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A few weeks after the Gullet battle ends, Baela had returned to Dragonstone. Back after spending some time in solitude. Back after burying whatever left of Jacaerys, someone she loved, in the deep sea. Like a true Velaryon just like his brother Lucerys was.
Ever since that very day, Baela has been feeling heavy. Her heart feels heavy and hurt. For everything she does now felt strange. Her heart felt empty and she no longer looked forward to tomorrow. For all her excitement has gone. Jacaerys has gone with her whole future and Baela could do nothing about it. Other than missing him with all her heart. Longing for him everytime she could.
And then there she was. In the same place where she always spent time with Jacaerys during their time at Dragonstone. The place where it has always been theirs. For she never sit alone but with Jacaerys right by her side.
But now, she sits there alone.
Sitting by herself, watching the vast ocean. At the same place, the same sea, the same sights and scenery, the same scent, the same winds. All is the same. But this time, without Jacaerys.
What I’m saying right now
Doesn’t mean that
We’re starting up again
I’m just bringing back
The remaining
Memories of you
Baela then looked again to her side, for countless times she did today. To the place that should have been filled by Jacaerys. The one who always gave her his best smile despite everything that has going through between them. The one who filled her day with joy. The one who always sits beside her.
But her side is now empty and uninhabited. Without Jacaerys.
In the past, Jacaerys would always babble about everything. From his frustation to the lords of the realm to his frustration with his Muña whenever she chooses something that doesn't click with him. And he would take it all out on Baela. For Baela has always been his safest place. Her shoulder is the place where he would leaned on. And her arms would be the place he would rather be when the day is hard. Baela was as much his resting place as he was to her. And now, she needs his shoulder to leaned on and his arms to hold her after all her bad days.
But she can't. Jacaerys is now only remained in her memory.
Without missing a single day
You told me that you love me
Before I went to bed
As soon as I opened my eyes
You told me
I remember so I’m just saying
Baela now remembering how Jacaerys always took the time to declare his heart to her. How he always find the strangest and cleverest way to do that. And how shy he is for their few months after being betrothed.
I adore you, Baela.
That what Jacaerys would said that during their first few months. Always polite and shy at first. It was going on and on like that for a while before changing the statement to be something clearer and deeper. Only to make Baela know and to declare his heart without even wanting a reply from Baela.
I think I love you, Baela.
Jacaerys would said that every day until his last day. In every way that is possible. During their war council, their every training sessions, their suppers, and their secret meeting before sleeping everyday. Those memories now only Baela's treasure. That she would replay in mind everyday just to keep her going for her day.
But frankly, those memories is so vivid that it almost only hurting her heart everytime she remembered them.
You were beautiful
Your eyes that looked at me
Your voice that called out to me
Everything, everything
To me, everything about you
Baela also remembered how Jacaerys used to stare at her. How he stole a sneak peak in front of everyone and their council. How Jacaerys's proud look every time Baela helped him or doing something awesome at the Black Council. And also how Jacaerys's loving look whenever they were alone together. The look that only happened to be for Baela, and she knew it. The same look that Baela would always miss. Forever and always.
You were beautiful
The feeling of not wanting anything more
Moments that only you gave
Everything, everything
With Jacaerys, Baela always felt the safest and complete. The man with the iconic brown curls and brown eyes that she loves. The same man with the distinguished smile that had filled her days and her heart in every way he could. In every way that is possible. Until Baela once thought that she needed nothing more than Jacaerys. That indeed for her, he is the only one that she wants for her long lifetime.
Everything has passed
But you were so beautiful
And she lost him. Jacaerys is no longer in Baela's life.
That is the harsh reality that Baela has to face every day. That Baela has to live with all her memories. All her beautiful memories. Beautiful yet poignant. Beautiful yet now painful. But, Baela appreciates it all. She loves her Jacaerys as much as she missed him. And she missed him as much as the whole seven kingdoms and it's content combined.
Memories of me
Have probably become
A thing of the past for you too
Whatever I saw to you
It will all be something
In the past
Baela knew that now, after his death, she was already the past for Jacaerys. Just as Jacaerys is now the past to her. A past that Baela would gladly trade and relive for anything in the world if she could.
Their story is over.
It cannot continue and cannot be resume. But their story will always be one part of Baela's life that she will always replay in her mind. No matter how painful it is. As long as Jacaerys is in there.
Without missing a single moment
You always thought of me first
Even when it wasn’t a big deal
You said, I’m sorry, thank you
I remember so I’m just saying
Her sweet Jacaerys, always her protector. Baela remembered all too well how Jacaerys used to defend her in front of everyone. In front of Aegon who abused her verbally, Helaena who unintentionally stiffly and provoked Aegon, Aemond who bullied her, The Black Council who doubted her, and even in front of her Muña if The Queen ever lacked confidence in Baela's abilities. How Jacaerys appreciates her actions. Let it be the smallest things nor the big things. And she remembered it all.
I still think of you sometimes
Should I try call your name?
There were a lot of times I thought that but
Baby I know it’s already over
Baela knew all too well that what she had lost with Balerion could never return. Same as Jacaerys who was swallowed by the sea and taken with Balerion afterwards.
Yet, part of her still doesn't believe it. And still hoping this was all a bad dream.
Ever since the Gullet, Baela always and only hopes for one thing. That she would wake up tomorrow and when she screams Jacaerys's name loudly as loud as she could, so that maybe whole Dragonstone could hear, he would rush himself to her. Just like he used to do whenever she needed him.
Baela wanted to dream like that so badly but once reality hit, Baela could not do anything. For Jacaerys is nowhere to be found.
No matter how much I want you
You are now just a movie of the past
That has already ended
I know
No matter how much Baela longs for him and tries to calls his name with all her lungs, she knew one thing. Jacaerys will not return. A harsh truth that she will need to swallowed from now one.
No matter how far Baela searches across the ocean, no matter how deep she dives into the cold depths of the sea, and no matter how loudly she screams his name until her voice runs out, Jacaerys will not return to her.
Because her love is far gone. Further than east of Essos or even the end of the world. Far enough to never return to her.
For the last time
Your eyes that looked at me
Your voice that said, take care
Everything, everything
Even that, to me
Baela then remembered the morning before the Gullet, where Jacaerys reminded her while looking at him. Her favourite pair of brown eyes. The pair of eyes she once spent hours to look at silently to appreciate it's beauty. The same eyes that now she won't be able to look at anymore for another hundreds of years.
That day, Jacaerys asked Baela to be careful many times. For Baela to take care of herself. Even when all she does was only to stay at Dragonstone waiting for him to comeback. But Jacaerys did warn her all too much that day.
As if the man could no longer do it.
Now, Baela knows that was also Jacaerys's farewell to her. Yet, Baela smiles at the memories of her love once. How a gentleman he was. How sweet her love was. How he puts herself before his own self, always worried about Baela even until their last moment. All of that makes a painful aches in her heart now. But all of that also makes Baela love him ever more.
You were beautiful
Even the tears you showed me
Moments I had with you
Everything, everything
Everything about Jacaerys is a sweet memory for Baela. Even his cries that he only showed in front of Baela. The cries he lets out when things aren't going well or when his days is on a bad path. All of it while Baela holds him tights. For as she once his safest place as he is for her.
All their little moments.
All their sweet moments.
All their everyday lives.
Stealing glances, holding hands below the courteyes, defending and protecting each other, their intense training and valyrian lessons, their dragonriding sessions with Vermax and Moondancer, their shared grief, the longing whenever they were apart, their cheek pecking, their hugges, and their sweet innocent kisses. All of that is now Baela's treasured lifetime memories.
Everything has passed
But you were so beautiful
Everything is over. Jacaerys is gone.
Swallowed by the vast, cold blue sea. The battle of gullet took Baela's love away from her. Took a part from Baela heart that could never be replaced. And ripped a huge hole in her heart. And ever since, nothing could fill the hole left. Not even the seven kingdoms and all it's contents could fill it.
So she sat there for hours, crying silently because she couldn't do anything else other than that. Baela Targaryen that always appeared brave, strong, and a dignified lady now cried. The Baela we always know now cried about her situation. Until she feels better and can gradually start her day again. Until she could get back to her knees again for another day.
Baela knew that she had to move on with her life. She knows Jacaerys wants her to do that. And she would do that. For her and for Jacaerys.
So, Baela will continue to miss and cry for him in the midst of her life. And she won't rushed herself. Until one day, maybe far in the future, when her tears finally dries and she will only smile when she remembers Jacaerys. And maybe, there will come one day that she could meet him again once she joined him in the afterlife. But for whatever happens next, Baela knows one thing.
Jacaerys and his memories are always beautiful for Baela. Now and forever more.