Work Text:
Kanade had a problem.
Besides the obvious failling to take care of herself problems, there was something else bugging her mind, not allowing her to get her work done. Something she had to keep a secret for a long time.
And now that a certain someone lives with her under the same roof, it's been increasingly difficult to hide and cope with the pain, both physically and emotionally. Sure, she's been dealing with it on her own since the incident. Although she had the company of Ms. Mochizuki, who gave her the strength to keep going, nobody was truly aware of the depth of her self-harm addiction.
And why would she inform anyone about it? Why would she waste anyone's time with her nonsense? She needed to get the job done, she needed to keep composing for the sake of the band and for her burning passion to help others with her songs. Surely, she wouldn't want to burden anyone even more with her own difficulies.
She truly cares for her bandmates, Ena and Mizuki. However, she knows that each of them is dealing with their own pain and troubles, and she doesn't want to add to their burdens or make things even more difficult for them.
But it becomes more and more challenging for Kanade to conceal her secret each day, as her dear friend Yuki remains unaware. Since leaving her home because of her overbearing mother, it seems like no matter what Kanade does to lift Mafuyu's spirits, nothing really works. Sure, there are moments of fleeting smiles, brief hand touches, but it doesn't fully satisfy Kanade. She deeply longs for a deeper emotional connection, something that goes beyond small gestures.
Some might argue that Kanade's feelings towards Mafuyu are love-induced. They could be, after all, Kanade's heart is dedicated on adding at least a little hint of light in those cold eyes that belong to her dear lyricist.
But tonight, at this very moment, she can't think. She can't focus. She needs it, craves it even. The forever fleeting sensation of small stinging needles piercing at her skin. The aching feeling in her heart that goes away once she sees the red pouring out. The forever cold soothing of silent words that reassure her of her safety, regardless of the present.
She's managed to stay clean since the day Mafuyu moved in with her, determined not to let any questions or reminders of her destructive and insanely crazy actions of violence she portrays on herself creep in. Kanade couldn't bear the thought of her favorite person being repulsed or frightened by her. All she longed for was peace and tranquility.
She couldn't deny that Asahina had provided her with those two things, but deep inside, she yearned for a moment of relapse, a brief reprieve from the battle within.
"Alright, I should be done here." Mizuki's voice could be heard from Kanade's headphones, breaking her train of thought.
"Send it to us already!" Ena said, curiosity tugging at her voice but also impatience since its almost time for the four of them to stop working and rest.
"Jeez, here you go..."
You could hear clicking from Mizuki’s end as they send the file, Kanade and Ena openning it short after, looking over it a few times.
"I think this time it really fits with the chorus, right Enanan?" Amia spoke with confidence.
"It really does. And that only took you two tries..." she sighs as Mizuki scoffs.
"K, what do you have in mind?"
"I like this part better, but I'll let you decide on your idea." Kanade mutterd while turning to Yuki, or where she's supposed to be in the room, but she's nowhere to be seen.
Has she left without Kanade noticing? Perhaps she was too focused on her thoughts to miss her presence. Her half written sheets of paper are laying neatly on the desk, the handwriting all too familiar.
"How are Yuki's lyrics coming along?" Ena's voice startled Kanade's worrying thoughts.
"It's going steady, but Yuki just left to go to bed."
"So maybe we should wrap this up for tonight and follow in her footsteps?" Mizuki questioned with a yawn.
"I agree. I’m gonna sign off too since I’m tired and my hands hurt a little." Ena sighed after her sentence. "Don't stay up too late, K."
"Goodnight Enanan, Amia." Kanade signed off and blushed from the sudden worry she got from Ena.
After the tragic experiences they had endured, the group had grown more open and caring towards one another, becoming more guarded and sensitive to each other's feelings. Thus, witnessing Ena's display of affection still managed to catch Kanade off guard.
She slowly learned how important sleeping patterns are so she's not overworking herself with composing late at night.
Now, Kanade finds herself alone in her room—more specifically, her father's room that she has taken over as her own music composing sanctuary. She allowed Mafuyu to settle in her old room so as not to burden her with the discomfort of sleeping on the couch. After all, sharing the same bed seemed like an invasion of their personal space, especially considering they are not girlfriends.
Kanade is a bit grateful to not share a room with Asahina, as it allows her the freedom to wear whatever clothing she desires.
With that thought in mind, she unzips her blue hoodie and settles into bed in a loose white t-shirt. Here in the privacy of her own room, the one place where she feels most secure, she doesn't worry about concealing her scars, and simply relaxes in the comfort of her surroundings.
Though getting into bed doesn't actually mean falling asleep as Kanade's mind is being preoccupied with more thoughts and feelings. Before she knows it though, a faint knock at the door disturbes the dead quiet of the night, Kanade jumping startled and almost hitting her head in the bed frame.
"Kanade, are you awake?" A voice on the other side of the door asks.
"Oh! Yes, what's wrong?"
Mafuyu's voice breaks the eerie silence, her words echoing softly in the quiet hallway as she speaks.
"I can't seem to fall asleep. Can I come in?"
Before she can think about it, the white haired girl invites Asahina in the pitch dark room, scooching over to make some room for her on the soft mattress. Kanade struggles to see Mafuyu's face clearly.
"Mafuyu. Is everything alright?" she asks but she probably knows the answer by now.
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm worried. About mom."
Kanade is thankful that Mafuyu learned to express herself and her thoughts more clearly now, since she can understand her better. It made Kanade happy, to say the least. That Mafuyu was getting more comfortable with her.
"Is this why you left the call early?" Kanade asks and Yuki just humms a small apology.
"I'm sure she misses you, Mafuyu. But the things she's done to you..." she trails off, not really knowing what else to say. She silently wished that finding the right words to express herself felt as natural and effortless as crafting music with its melodic notes.
Kanade stayed silent, her eyes looking down as she fidgeted with her hands, her thoughts in turmoil. Should she offer Mafuyu some comforting words or respect her space? All Kanade longed for in the depths of her own torment was a glimpse of her beloved Mafuyu, for her presence alone was enough to anchor her in the chaos.
However, Kanade recognized that Mafuyu's needs might differ from her own. And how selfish she is for wishing of a small touch from the girl who's trying to pour her heart out right here, in her room, with her friend. Just a friend.
After a few moments of needed silence between the two, the purple haired spoke, "Thank you. For letting me stay here."
They can't seem to make out each other's face, but the sheer comfort that they both share the presence of each other and exhaustion from countless of unrested nights lures them to lay down and fall asleep. After all, there are no more words needed.
Kanade's chest is filled with a warm feeling, a kind of feeling that only Yuki could bring her. She wanted her to fix things with her mother, but she couldn't help but want to keep her all for herself.
Before any other racing thoughts fill the white haired girl's mind, she faces Mafuyu's back and can't help but offer her dear friend a big hug from behind. A hug that the both of them truly need. Though, before any consolation could be spoken aloud, Kanade's skin tingled as she felt the gentle touch of Mafuyu's fingers tracing along her forearms, her attention drawn to the scars that marked her skin, scars that she had inflicted upon herself.
Kanade had become so immersed in her own thoughts that she had forgotten about her exposed arms, now on full display for Mafuyu to see. She had tried to keep her secret of self-harm discreetly hidden, but now, the person she had hoped to shield from this knowledge was silently and tenderly touching the scars that marked her arms, her awareness of them crystal clear.
Through her scared and ragged breaths, Kanade could only muster small apologies, silently trying to pull away from Mafuyu's touch. The tender feeling in her chest is now replaced with anxiety, and she can't help but wonder how should she get away from Asahina's afraid face that she can only imagine.
But, in front of her, Mafuyu's calm and elaborated breaths show Kanade she has no ill intention of abandoning the troublesome girl. Asahina takes Kanade's hand and traces her fingers alongside her own smooth but bumby skin. It's not long after Kanade realizes, even with no words spoken, that her dear friend is struggling with the same problem as she is.
"Mafuyu..."
"..."
The purple haired girl turned around and looked into Kanade's hardly visible eyes, hugging the white haired girl tightly as she stayed silent. K hugged her back softly, resting her head on Mafuyu's chest as they embraced quietly.
And for that brief moment, Kanade's thoughts were finally quiet.