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They are standing in the headquarters of the LAPD swat as Derek is informing them about the new developments on their case when he notices Tan and Streets focus shifting to something that is behind him and Hicks face of recognition when he turns around and sees Spencer standing there behind him.
“Spence” Surprised Derek lays the tablet away and walks towards his husband. He hasn't seen him in weeks, him being busy with SWAT, Spencer being back with the BAU. “What are you doing here?”
A bit confused by the situation the team eyes them, not knowing who Spencer is but being able to tell that Derek’s entire stance and face changed when he spotted him with them.
“We need to talk, I can't do it anymore” Spencer whispers as Derek comes closer, tears peaking in his eyes, avoiding Derek’s eyes just like he always does after a longer time apart,
“What are you talking about?”
“I cant’t- you are here, I am- I just- please” A tear runs down Spencer’s face as he tries to explain why he showed up here. Tries to explain the pain that has been creeping inside of him for the last few weeks. If he can even pinpoint it to the last weeks, maybe even months.
“Okay, take a deep breath-
“I don't want to take a deep breath, I want you to talk to me- I- I-”
“We will, just- not here” With a hand on Spencer’s back he guides him away from the eyes of the others, trying to find a quiet corner where he can find out what is going on with Spencer.
“What was that all about?” Street questions the moment they are out of hearing range.
“Seemed personal so lets not pry” Hicks speaks up, wanting to sush the group before more questions arise. He had met Spencer once and talked to him on one other occasion when he was worried about Derek so he knows what their relationship is but he also knows Derek has not been exactly showing off his relationship status. If anything, he has been hiding it. Ignoring it. Picking up on more than one occasion a guest for the night when they went out together. As far as Hicks is concerned it's their business, he is not about to get involved and he sure doesn't need the drama of the team getting involved in Derek's love life because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
“We can talk in here, love” Derek muttered as he guides Spencer into a quiet room that is usually used to speak to family members of the victims or witnesses. He waits till the door behind him is closed before he takes Spencer into his arms, “Now what is going on? What are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t-” Spencer presses his face against Derek’s shoulder, “I couldn’t- its to much”
“What is too much?” Derek asks him calmly, not holding him back as Spencer tries to get out of the hug.
“The distance, you being here, me being back home, you not calling me, not texting the whole day- I can't do that anymore”
“Spencer we agreed-” Derek tries to reason as the tears start running down his face.
“We didn't agree on anything!” He yells, “On nothing. You packed your things, you moved here, you asked me if I want to come along, I- I struggled for a moment and you left! You just left”
“That's not how it went down, Spence-”
“This is how it went down for me!”
“Okay, please-” Comforting Derek places his hands on Spencer’s arm, knowing full well Spencer is using every strength right now to ball his hands into fists hard enough to press his nails into his palms, “I know this hasn’t been easy on you”
“Do you?”
“Of course I do”
“Why did you have to leave-”
“I didn't leave you, I left-”
“The situation, yeah I know” Spencer bites back, “But I am part of exactly that situation”
“I gave you the choice-”
“With what time to decide”
“Spencer, what is your goal here?” Derek yells back, “We have been doing finde like this for the last two years”
“You have! You have your life, your job, your new friends. I am the one who is being torn in half between my home and you.”
“You decided that as well-”
“You act like you gave me a choice!”
“I gave you a choice” Agitated Derek lets go of Spencer who immediately starts scratching his neck, while Derek takes a step back.
“I had- I had no way to decide- no time- I- I- everything I have is back there!”
“Well except for me” Derek yells, “You decided against me as well, don't pin that on me”
“Okay maybe I did, but this is not the way I can keep going. I didn't marry someone to then live hours apart and see each other when after a hundred days I have the luck to have my sanity questioned enough to have a mandatory break in which you do what? Not take one day off? Leave me in your house alone like I am some unwelcomed houseguest?”
“Well I didn't marry someone who would choose a job over his husband” Derek gives back.
“I didn't, you did” Spencer gives back and hurries out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
What Derek learned in the last two years that they have been more apart than together is that he at least can let go of Spencer enough to now let him run off until they are both cooled off. So he sits down on one of the chairs in the room. He knew this would come eventually, when they after a week of yelling and tears and suddenly no words at all agreed, that Derek would move to Los Angeles alone while Spencer stays back with the BAU, he had waited for the day this became too much for Spencer. When they lived together, when they were what both of them imagined in their marriage, Spencer was inseparable from Derek. Derek would wake up with Spencer cuddled to his chest, he would always pick the closest seat to Derek no matter where they were, he knew Spencer would not be able to lose that. And as selfish as it sounds, Derek was sure Spencer would just come around, would join him in LA a few months later but after the first few months with daily phone calls and hardly three visits from him, Spencer seemed to be doing alright. At least that was what he was telling Derek. He came to visit him a couple of times, using the days Emily implanted as the time he could spend with Derek and while they always fell back into place again, being inseparable in their home, as Derek sees it, in Derek’s home as Spencer sees it, when Jessica rang at that door when Spencer was there, Derek knew Spencer was not gonna let him forbid him not seeking the same physical comfort in others. And Derek is sure he did, maybe with Luke, maybe someone else, he never asked. And maybe he even did him wrong.
The team watches Spencer storm out of the precinct, catching a glimpse of the badge on his belt and figuring it must be related to an older case or maybe even to the BAU. It was Deac who eventually walked into the room where Spencer had come out of. “You okay?”
“Not really” Derek speaks up, looking back down on the floor,
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I am not sure you are the right guy for this” Derek tells him with a chuckle, “Believe me”
“Well try me” Deacon closes the door after them, “I am here to help, he seemed pretty upset as he ran out, was he an old friend? Did you work together”
“We did”
“Here in LA?”
“Nah with the FBI”
“So what is he doing here? Was it about an old case?” Deacon keeps pushing, “Can we help you?”
“This is something I have to figure out alone with him”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes” Slowly Derek gets up, feeling the nervous pit in his stomach when he thinks about the fact that he doesn't know where Spencer is. When he is back home he knows the team has always an eye on him, here the team thinks that about him. If they even know that he is here, “Sorry, I need to go. I need to check on him”
“I will tell Hicks” Deacon promises, accepting his fate that he is not going to know what this is about for the moment, “Anything else?”
“Nah, I am gonna have to find him, I will call you if you need any help”
“Don’t hesitate”
“As long as you don’t” Derek mutters under his breath and Deacon pretends that he has not heard it.
*
“Spencer, call me back if you get this, I am worried, let's talk at home, we can work this out” Derek speaks onto Spencer’s mailbox while leaving the headquarters, as Hicks catches up with him.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah just need to straighten a few things up, sorry about that”
“You are on duty”
“This is more important” Derek tells him, “I need to find him, I didn't even listen to him before I became defensive”
“Is he okay?”
“To be honest, I don't know, we have barely talked for all I know he could be in every mental state there is and I wouldn't have known” Derek starts ranting, “And he comes here and I don't even listen to him”
“He surprised you-”
“Well I will be glad if that's the only surprise” Derek mutters and tries calling Spencer again, no one picking up the phone, “If this man would use his goddamn phone”
“We can track it if you want” For a moment Derek hesitates but all the doubts if that's the right way vanish the moment he thinks about how agitated Spencer was, “You do that and I start looking for him”
“Should I involve your team?”
“Let's wait with that”
To Derek's surprise Emily is the one who calls him before Spencer does about an hour after Spencer had left the precinct, “I shouldn't be telling you this but Spencer just called Rossi in tears, talking about how your marriage is not to be safed crying bitterly, please tell me you know where he is”
“I don't, I am looking for him, he isn't at my house, not at the bookstore he goes to, I don't know. “ Panicked Derek gets back into his car, “And our marriage is not over-”
“I know that”
“We just need, we can't go on like this, we are not supposed to be married like this, this is not how we work-”
“Derek I am maybe biased because I see Spencer every day but you are the one that needs to close this gap between you two. No one else can do that. We have been on your team long after you left but even we cant excuse you anymore”
“I am not the only one in this marriage”
“You are the one that has been one foot out ever since you moved. And I love you but that's not gonna stop me from calling you an asshole.” Emily tells him as Derek starts the car again, “Now Rossi is in contact with Spencer, he is fine but not thinking straight, he is not melting down but a binge away from panicking, Garcia has his phone tracked and I will send you the location. And if you don’t crawl there on your knees and listen to that man I will come down there personally and pick that kid up and make him sign the divorce paper. Am I being clear?”
“Yes Ma’am”
“Good”
Emily was there when they got married, standing there with the biggest smile on her lips, cheering them on as they kissed and Spencer cheeks lit up in bright red as Derek kissed him again just like on their first date. He had loved doing that to him, kissing him casually and when he ignored him or passed it off planting an extra long kiss on his cheek, wanting him to embarrassingly slightly push him away as he grows red. He had loved showing Spencer off in every new precinct they went to, loved how the officers shut up when Spencer talks about the facts he has in his brain and if not making the officers shut up. He had loved having their wedding pictures on the wall and loved watching the video entirely filmed out of Henry's perspective with a camcorder that shows a bit more of JJ than the actual couple. And now, he hasn't worn his ring to a shift here ones, the wedding pictures are still packed in one of the moving boxes and the last time he has kissed Spencer before today was three months ago at breakfast before he hurried to work and was to scared to drive Spencer to the airport in case anybody sees them.
Garcia comes through with the location, probably because she has his location anyways, something Morgan used to have as well before Spencer got a new phone and he forgot to install it again. “Spencer!” He calls as he sees him walking down a street, “Spencer stop” A bit relieved Spencer looks at him, “What are you doing here, you had me worried sick?”
“I- i- don't know- i left and tried to get to your house and- its all- I don't know”
“Love, you don't make any sense right now, let's just get you in the car and then home okay?” With a firm grip he leads Spencer over the street, guiding him into the passenger seat before buckling him up, “I am so sorry love” He whispers before kissing him on the forehead and getting into the car himself.
“We will drive home and then we can talk okay?”
“I- I don't want to talk anymore- I need things to change” Spencer speaks up, “I love you but I cant hold onto this anymore”
“I know”
“Do you? Because you have done nothing to fix it”
“I- I don't know it was this bad-”
“Didnt you feel it too?” Spencer gets agitated again, “You are supposed to miss me too, you are supposed to love me-”
“Can we please just get home first?”
“No, I need an answer now” Spencer insists, “Can we fix this?”
“We always can”
“You need to want it too?”
“I don't know what you want me to say” There is a long moment of silence in which Spencer cries quietly before wiping the tears of his face with his hands, “Spencer-”
“Alright”
“Alright what?”
“Alright”
“Spence-”
“Just tell me”
“Tell you what?”
“What- how many were there? Do the others know? What- What is there you do because I don't believe you don't hurt as much as I do”
“I do hurt but you are right there were others” Derek confesses and turns the engine back off, “The others dont know. I came here and pretended everything was different. They don't know who you are, they don't know why I left, they don't know anything, there were a few woman and man I have slept with and one woman i slept with more than once but that's it”
“Thats it” Spencer mutters,
“You asked” He shrugs at that, “Don't tell me you haven't been sleeping around back home”
“I havent”
“Right” Derek scoffs, “At least I am honest with you”
“We are not going to work this out are we?”
“I dont think so” For the first time since Derek has met Spencer he looks at him and does not want to kiss that face at least a hundred times, wrap him into his arms, never let him go. For the first time he looks at him and he feels nothing apart from a breathtaking pain in his chest, “You at least feel this stupid pain too?”
“Have been for weeks” Quietly Spencer plays with the wedding ring on his finger, “I can't take it off”
“I know, you never have”
“Would it be weird if I leave it on?”
“No”
“Where is yours?”
“Don't do that to yourself kid” He smiles at that,
“Guess now you can call me that again” Spencer jokes,
“Not a chance in hell, it was a slip up, you will always be my love i am not gonna change it”
*
“You okay?” Deacon questions when Derek arrives at work the next day, looking like he feels.
“Not at all”
“We are here for you” He repeats,
“Well I was an asshole and now I’ve gotta deal with it” Derek tells him, “Have you ever thought about leaving Annie?”
“Not a second” The answer came without missing a beat. “Why?”
“I told you I am not sure you are the one who wants to hear about this” Derek reminds him and continues walking towards the locker room.
“And again, I am here for you” He insists,
“The man that showed up here yesterday was my husband” Derek confesses, “Well soon to be ex-husband” For a moment Deacon looks at him in shook, “We have been together for 9 years, its over, it was long overdue”
“Overdue?”
“Yes” Derek tells him “Now I don't want to talk about this any more, I will be fine”
*
“Oh Spence” JJ picks him up at the airport as he comes back, “I am so sorry”
“I knew this would happen”
“Doesn’t make it any easier”
“He seemed so fine”
“He always does, you know he is hurting just as much.”
*
They don't reach out for the next week, and the week after that and even the third week gets left behind without a word until Spencer is standing in the conference room with the others, discussing the new case when Emily starts looking past him, her eyes lighting up “Derek!” She exclaims and Spencer immediately feels a relief coming through his body. That they didn’t talk, Rossi told him, does also mean they are both not ready to get onto the final steps of handing in the papers. Of really saying goodbye to each other. And he had been right. After the first anger at Derek's inability to understand where Spencer was coming from Spencer had spent the days thinking about ways to fix the situation again.
“Well is this a sight I miss” Derek tells them looking around the conference room he had been sitting in way to many years, “Hey” He speaks more quietly as he approaches Spencer, “We need to talk” Comforting placing a hand on his back, “Again”
“Let me finish this up and then I will be with you”
“Alright pretty boy” With a smile he walks to an empty chair, “Mind if I sit in on this one?”
“If you can handle it” Rossi jokes and Spencer gets back to talking over the case, his hands visibly shaking, eventually so much that he has to put the papers down in order to continue because he couldn't read anything on them this way anyway. “Let us finish this, you two get out of here”
“Wheels up in 20, you two better make it quick”
“We will” Derek promises them and leaves the room after Spencer, walking the hallways down to his old office that is currently unused. “Feels strange being back”
“Especially here” Quickly Spencer glances over to the couch where they spend more than a handful of times relieving from a case, “You can't go through with it either”
“No chance”
“But we can also not go on this way”
“I know”
“You are not going to move back either”
“No” Derek admits, “Even being here makes me think I forgot how to breathe, I can't- this is not something I can handle in my life anymore.”
“And I am?” Spencer whispers.
“What are you talking about?”
“Well me, me and my- my habits and just me- you didn't just flee from a job and a home you also fled fled from me”
“I know but it was not because of you, I promise.” Derek insists, reaching out to hold Spencer’s hand. “I know our marriage isnt what it used to be and I fucked up but I think we deserve a second chance. Not here-”
“But in LA”
“We will find a house, you can take lighter work at a university, consulting on our cases, we spend days with a routine not flying away to different cities and being ripped out of our regular lives. We deserve to spend the evening on the couch arguing about what movie we watch and who is going to pick up groceries on their way home” Spencer smiles at that.
“Well you already have a house-” He whispers, “It just needs a few more books in them”