Work Text:
Lucy couldn’t tell the exact moment her relationship with Tim shifted from lovers to friends.
Then from roommates to strangers.
Perhaps it was in the middle of the night when their youngest of two daughters woke up with an ear infection. Lucy was weeping with her little 4 year old, wondering when Tim’s shift would end so he could come back to take over.
Or perhaps it was when she cheered on her oldest daughter who, after a solid hit of the baseball, was running to third base. In that moment, Lucy’s hand reached out to her right where Tim would have been a year or two ago, but was empty space now.
Or perhaps it was when she started setting the table with plates for theee instead of four, knowing he wouldn’t make it to dinner like most nights. She stopped making his favourite meal months ago, and the girls knew better than to ask for pancakes in the morning.
Tim always wanted to be there, but texting them with apologies and being sorry he couldn’t make it was still an absence. One she felt deeply.
So here she was, in the therapist’s room, making sense of how she was contemplating leaving the man she has loved more than anyone or anything in her life.
“Okay Lucy, like last time, look at the empty chair across from you….imagine Tim there. What do you want to tell him.” The therapist waited in silence as Lucy wiped her face. “ If these tears had words…” the therapist prompted.
“I am…just so so lonely. I miss you. So much. I miss how we used to be…every day I feel like I’m fighting for you to notice that I’m not okay anymore…but you don’t have a clue because you’re never there.” This wasn’t the first time Lucy said these words to an imagined version of Tim, but this time the sadness had a hint of something explosive waiting to surface.
Sensing this, the therapist nudged her along, “I’m angry with you for …”
“For making me believe that you’re going to be here with me, you might not have left but you’re certainly gone!! It’s like there is a hallow space inside and no amount of apologies can fill me up.”
“Hmmm…Lucy, let’s shift, and you go ahead and sit on the other chair.”
Lucy nodded and stood up, then crossed the short distance to the empty chair where she was now supposed to take on Tim’s perspective.
Her body language softened almost immediately. She knew in her soul that it would gut Tim to see her this way and to hear the words she said. She almost felt her body shutting down, as if feeling how she thought Tim would react - with abundance of shame that he had hurt her.
And here she was, stuck in this place.
Lucy transferred back to her own chair.
In the past, she would end the session and resolve to look at the bright side: Tim loved them so much. He was under a lot of stress as the new Chief Of Police. He did his best when he was home.
But she couldn’t continue pretending that she was okay. As much as she loved Tim, she now loved herself too.
This time, Lucy breathed through the excuses and stayed with the pain until she convinced herself that Tim could handle her truth. He had to. So they could fix this distance between them. She didn’t want to lose him.
For the first time since starting therapy, Lucy said, “Okay Dr Shanti, I’m ready to talk to my husband. I’m going to tell him how I feel, even if I know it’ll hurt him. We’re worth fighting for.”
Author’s note. Thanks for reading!