Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

14:12

Intergalactic and Heavenly Bodies Divorce Trial House

Honor Judge Uril Presiding Over Case

[Judge Uril]: We are proceeding with the divorce hearing for Queen V. vs Gilgamesh. Are the Plaintiffs and Defendant’s legal counsel prepared?

[Plaintiffs]: Yes your honor

[Defense]: Yes your honor

[Judge Uril]: Alright then we can proceed, does the Plaintiffs legal counsel have any opening statements?

[Plaintiffs]: Yes your honor, may I approach the jury?

[Judge Uril]: You may

[Plaintiffs]: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here to convince you today that Gilgamesh has been a horrible husband. You will see how awful of a person Gilgamesh is. We humbly ask for full custody of the children and 80% of the income. Please, if you believe in justice, award her the dues she is owed

[Judge Uril]: You may take a seat now Mr. Holobuster

[Judge Uril]: Does the Defense have any opening statements?

[Defense]: Why hell yeah I do your honor

[Judge Uril]: Please do not use inappropriate language in the court, you may proceed

[Defense]: May I approach the jury?

[Judge Uril]: Yes you may

[Defense]: I’m all sure you are aware of who I am. I’m Johnnie Cochran. The guy who got OJ Simpson off. Today I’ll be convincing y’all of the innocence of this great hunk of a man. Have you ever considered that Queen V. is a big fat liar? Look at her eyes, they reek of evil. Queen V. may tell her various reasons for her adultery but I’ll tell you the real reason, she is a cougar. She is going on 15 centuries old but yet she is married to this young 23 year old man? Is that not preda–

[Plaintiffs]: Objection your honor speculation

[Judge Uril]: Sustained, Mr. Cochran do not call the Plaintiff a predator, you may resume

[Defense]: Ahem, I hope to prove Gilgamesh as faithfully deserving of his fair share. We hope for full custody and 99% of the shared income

[Judge Uril]: Alright let us proceed with the trial, do the Plaintiffs have a motion they would like to enact?

[Plaintiffs]: Yes your honor, we would like to call Miss Hatsune Miku to the stand

[Judge Uril] Miss Hatsune Miku, would you please stand?

[Judge Uril] Please escort her to the stand Mr. Bahamut. 

[Bailiff]: Put your hand on the bible and repeat after me Miss Miku

[Bailiff]: I solemnly affirm

[Miku]: I solemnly affirm

[Bailiff]: that the evidence given by me shall be the truth

[Miku}: that the evidence given by me shall be the truth

[Bailiff]: the whole truth and nothing but the truth

[Miku]: the whole truth and nothing but the truth

[Bailiff]: Alright

[Judge Uril]: You may begin Mr. Holobuster

[Plaintiffs]: Miss Miku, your birthday was yesterday correct?

[Miku]: Yes it was amazing I ate so much cake and I lit off a massive firework kaboom it was a leek cake and-

[Judge Uril]: Please Miss Miku just answer the question, Mr. Holobuster continue

[Plaintiffs]: Did you have a birthday party?

[Miku]: Yes it was so fun we went to chuck e cheese and I ate so much pizza there was a game where you had to jump a bunch of times and I won a lot of tickets and I fed the tickets to the machine that eats them it was like chomp chomp it made such a funny sound I imitated the sound just then munch munch munch and the chuck e cheese place had a karaoke for some reason and I sang the freddy fazbear song that goes har har har har har har har oooooo then someone screamed but I think it was because I was singing so amazingly but then-

[Judge Uril]: Miss Miku please do not go off topic, continue Mr. Holobuster

[Plaintiffs]: And who was present at this party?

[Miku]: I was, a couple crocodiles I found in the Amazon, this black cat guy, Queen V, this guy with gills he looked so stupid like he was swimming in the ground, and this big girl with a plug tail thing I don’t know what that was

[Plaintiffs]: What is the nature of your relationship with Queen V?

[Miku]: She's like my work mommy she always helps me write my songs one time she wrote a song for me with a ukulele but I said ukuleles are soooooo 2016 and she got really mad and threw it at me I was like what a bitch but then I remembered she is like 1500 years old so she probably is senile

[Plaintiffs]: Erm, what is a work mommy?

[Miku]: oooooo it’s like your mother but at work so when you are feeling lonely at work you can go into your mother’s arms but it’s not your actual mother it is your work mother’s arms

[Plaintiffs]: Alright, now I see you have a cast on your arms, where did those come from?

[Miku]: me and that plug tail bitch got into a big fight she beat my ass-

[Judge Uril]: Please do not use inappropriate language in my courtroom Miss Miku, I am seriously getting frustrated with you. 

[Miku]: um sorry your honor I guess? Well me and that plug tail girl were throwing punches and pulling each other hair then she pulled out a laser gun and shot my arms, I guess she doesn’t know I’m made of lasers myself but it still broke my arms and I had to go to the hospital

[Plaintiffs]: So to be extra clear, Queen V did not break your arm?

[Miku]: Me and Queen V are close but not that close, no

[Plaintiffs]: So do you think Queen V cheated on Gilgamesh with you?

[Miku]: She’s married? What? Ooooo eeee oooo um I guess not since I did not know she was married

[Plaintiffs]: That will be all questions, you may return to your seat

[Judge Uril]: Hold on, does the Defense have any questions they wish to ask? 

[Defense]: Yes sit your bottom there Miku

[Laughter from the jury]

[Defense]: God damn ok Miku, I ain’t gonna beat around the bush. Did you have sexual intercourse with Queen V?

[Miku]: {Redacted}

[Judge Uril]: Strike that from the record, Miss Miku you do not need to go into details, Mr. Cochran ask the question again

[Defense]: Did you have sexual intercourse with Queen V?

[Miku]: {Redacted}

[Judge Uril]: I am up to here in your infractions, Miss Miku answer yes or no if you add any further details I am issuing a fine, repeat the question Mr. Cochran

[Defense]: Hold on can I just say that’s nasty as fuck girl what? Like that is just gross. 

[Judge Uril]: I am not even going to admonish you for that

[Defense]: Ok read my lips and answer yes or no, did you have sexual intercourse with Queen V?

[Miku]: Yes

[Defense]: Was this after Gilgamesh and Queen V had been married?

[Miku]: I didn't even know they were married!

[Defense]: Ah well they were married on June 21st 2022, did you have intercourse since then?

[Miku]: Me and Queen V fucked yesterday

[Defense]: Alright then, so would that not be considered cheating Miss Miku?

[Miku]: Umm well I don’t think it is I mean it was just sex

[Defense]: That’s cheating no?

[Plaintiffs]: Objection your honor argumentative

[Judge Uril]: Overruled, continue Mr. Cochran

[Defense]: Well Miss Miku, typically having extramarital intercourse is considered cheating

[Miku]: ooooo wow! I did not know

[Defense]: ok then, what is your age Miss Miku?

[Miku]: I am 17 years old

[Defense]: And how old is Queen V?

[Miku]: 1499 years old sir!

[Defense]: Is that not a big age gap Miku?

[Miku]: I don’t know I can’t do math

[Defense]; Mhm no further questions

[Judge Uril]: You may return to your seat Miku

[Judge Uril]: Both counsels may deliberate

[Defense]: Jury, what the everliving flippers is that age gap? Do you not think that is ridiculous? I mean do you think Queen V can be trusted with custody after that? I’ll tell you, I do not think so. She is literally Drake

[Judge Uril]: Please no personal attacks Mr. Cochran

[Defense]: Sorry your honor, but this is ridiculous. I think it is not only open and shut who deserves custody but what trial is coming to this courthouse next. This inbred royal pig probably defecates purple shit for all I know

[Judge Uril]: Mr. Cochran for the last time, no personal attacks, sit down

[Plaintiffs]: Your Honor, may I speak?

[Judge Uril]: Go ahead Mr. Holobuster

[Plaintiffs]: Can I address the jury directly?

[Judge Uril]: Go ahead

[Plaintiffs]: Men and women of this jury, while this does look bad for Queen V. this was a consensua-

[Defense]: With a 17 year old?

[Judge Uril]: Mr. Cochran sit down right now that is an infraction do not interrupt, proceed

[Plaintiffs]: May I present a video to the court?

[Judge Uril]: You may

[Plaintiffs]: Ok this is exhibit A, “We need to talk.” published by Queen V on Youtube on July 11th 2024. Here she apologizes and disputes the allegations made and hopefully you will see that she does not, errr, let me just begin the video

[Exhibit A plays]

[Plaintiffs]: So as you can see she has cried so that has got to mean something

[Defense]: Your honor may I respond?

[Judge Uril]: You may

[Defense]: Those tears are crocodile tears. They are fake. You can even see her pull out an eye dropper. 

[Plaintiffs]: Mr. Cochran please she made this video with all her heart

[Judge Uril]: Order Order, both of you sit down. I will not have this disrespect in my court. Let us proceed. Do the plaintiffs have any other witnesses they would wish to call? 

[Plaintiffs]: Yes, we would like to call up Killer Cat to the stand

[Judge Uril]: Alright Killer Cat please stand

[Judge Uril]: Bahamut can you bring Killer Cat to the stand

[Bailiff]: Ok put your hand on the bible and repeat after me

[Killer Cat]: I don’t believe in God

[Bailiff]: Just swear after me then

[Bailiff]: I solemnly swear

[Killer Cat]: I solemnly swear

[Bailiff]: that the evidence given by me shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

[Killer Cat]: that the evidence given by me shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

[Judge Uril]: You may begin questions Mr. Holobuster

[Plaintiffs]: So Killer Cat are you the franchisee of the Chuck E Cheese on 3228 North Meow Street?

[Killer Cat]: I killed 5 children and stuffed their corpses into the animatronics

[Defense]: Objection relevance

[Judge Uril]: Sustained, Mr. Killer Cat answer the question

[Killer Cat]: Yes I do own

[Plaintiffs]: Errrrrrrrrr, so you did see Miku and Queen V have any intimate relations at Miku’s birthday party?

[Killer Cat]: My son had his frontal lobe bitten off by Pasqually

[Plaintiffs]: Please just answer the question

[Defense]: Objection argumentative

[Judge Uril]: Overruled that was irrelevance 

[Killer Cat]: I meant no I did not

[Plaintiffs]: Did they appear to be in any relationship at all

[Killer Cat]: I always come back

[Judge Uril]: Killer Cat this is ridiculous, answer the question

[Killer Cat]: No, they did not

[Plaintiffs]: That will be all

[Judge Uril]: Does the defense have any questions?

[Defense]: Why yes I do

[Defense]: May I present a photo to the court?

[Judge Uril]: You may

[Defense]: What is this photo?

{Defense shows exhibit B]

[Killer Cat]: It looks like security footage

[Defense]: Where was this security footage taken?

[Killer Cat]: I don’t know

[Defense]: Well it is security footage from your own franchisee

[Killer Cat]: That’s impossible I took them all down

[Defense]: Well do you even know what is going on in your restaurant then?

[Killer Cat]: I suppose not

[Defense]: That will be all

[Killer Cat]: Thank the devil I hope the legal institute burns to the ground

[Judge Uril]: Please no extra comments, you may return to your seat

[Judge Uril]: The two opposing counsel shall deliberate

[Defense]: I just wanted to say, Killer Cat cannot be trusted, he could not figure out if there were children haunting his establishment than he could wipe his own ass.

[Plaintiffs]: He clearly stated he did not see them kissing

[Defense]: But can he be trusted? I ask you the jury, this man is delusional

[Plaintiffs]: Look you must understand, he may be crazy but he was clear. That photo was clearly fabricated

[Defense]: Saying my evidence is fake? What evidence is more reliable than photo evidence. 

[Plaintiffs]: Witnesses

[Defense]: I would not be so inclined

[Judge Uril]: Are the two opposing counsel finished?

[Plaintiffs]: I believe so

[Defense]: Yes

[Judge Uril]: Let’s proceed with the trial, are there any witnesses the plaintiffs would like to bring to the stand?

[Plaintiffs]: Yes we would like to roll in Windy

[Judge Uril]: Ok Bahamut please bring in Windy

[Windy is rolled in restrained]

[Judge Uril] Proceed with questioning

[Plaintiffs]: Can her arm and mouth be unrestrained?

[Judge Uril]: Yes go ahead Bahamut

[Plaintiffs]: Oh fuck ohh sshiiiii eyy teeth she fuuing ocked out my eeth 

[Judge Uril] Order order aahhh crap calling back up Bailiff is down Bahamut was just launched across the room and one of my lawyers has been hit

[Plaintiffs]: oooouggghhhhhhh eye eeth

[Judge Uril]: Call an ambulance there's blood everywhere

[Queen V]: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Judge Uril]: There there restrain her the harnesses are still there just tie her down

[Judge Uril]: ok let's end the trial stop typing when is the ambule