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Karamatsu walked into his room, the one he shared with his brothers, seeing them all lined up and sleeping. He couldn’t help but laugh silently at the great life he had with his siblings. Ever since they were kids—well, actually since they were born—they had always been together, and he was proud of his brothers for that.
He had just gotten back from playing his guitar and singing down by the river, as he didn’t want to wake his siblings. They never did like his songs or take him up on his offers of his lullabies, but that was alright. It was in brothers’ natures to detest each other’s qualities and habits.
As quietly as possible, he snuck in between the covers pulling them up to his chin—only to be met with Ichimatsu’s knee in his gut, making him let out a loud grunt.
“What was that?” Osomatsu groaned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “Ugh, Karamatsu, you need to be more quiet!”
“What?! That’s not—”
“Karamatsu…” Choromatsu gave him an exasperated look. “Why do you insist on bothering everyone? You woke everyone up except Jyushimatsu…”
“Yeah, Painful,” Todomatsu chimed in. “If you’re going to play your stupid guitar, just don’t come back until morning.”
“Or at all.” Ichimatsu added.
Osomatsu sighed. “Just let us get back to sleep…”
Gritting his teeth and holding his stomach, Karamatsu looked beside him at Ichimatsu, who was clearly satisfied as he turned his back to him. “Shittymatsu.”
Karamatsu sat, his brow furrowed as he stared through the dark at his hands in his lap while his brothers dozed off. He had only gone to prevent waking them up, and yet again his concern for others had backfired on him. Somehow, in the timespan from the time they had been children to now, he had become “shitty” and “painful” to his brothers. That was the last thing he wanted…. Karamatsu only looked to be supportive, maybe even worked have them look up to him.
Heh. he thought to himself confidently, grinning. If he just continued to keep them in consideration, it would happen; they were his brothers and he loved them, so how could it not if he just tried? With that, he laid his head down and shut his eyes, all mindfulness plucked from him as he fell to sleep.
Opening his eyes, Karamatsu looked around tiredly, seeing that it was early morning. However, everyone was already up, all gone somewhere without him.
Then he remembered…they didn’t live there at their parents’ house…and neither did he. A heaviness sat upon him as reality settled in. Unlike the rest of his life, they were no longer together…despite his attempts to stop their separation. That dream had submerged him in the splendor of their old ways of life, because he realized that even back then he had been lonely. But at least they had been together.
When the first of his siblings left, Karamatsu had felt a small panic, seeing that things wouldn’t stay the same, and because subconsciously he knew that his brothers were constantly pushing him away, so he wouldn’t be able to be a part of his brothers’ lives forever like he planned. All he could do was try to gain their favor while they still lived together, hope that they would want him in their lives even when they did move out. For that one purpose, he stayed home, up until the last sibling faded out of view. It seemed like it was just the next day before he woke up to find another brother’s spot on the futon void, then the next, until one day his own warmth was the only underneath the blanket. That day, Karamatsu felt an emptiness that he had been ignoring for a very long while, having been denying his awareness of the space it dug away in his heart over time.
Unfortunately it was still being excavated.
Karamatsu looked at his phone, wondering if there were any messages or missed calls to wish him a happy birthday, but there were none. There was a small twinge, which he ignored, as he walked outside to enjoy his weekend. The weather was wonderful, perfect for spending the day celebrating with someone. Taking his fishing pole, he made his way to the river, where he had spent a good amount of his time with one brother or another, hoping for his beloved fish to take his love note. Maybe today would be the day that fish or his brothers would accept him, tell him that their life would be better with him in it.
Attaching the letter once again, Karamatsu stared down into the water, reminiscing of the day exactly one year ago…
It was the last birthday he would spend living with his parents, and the first he spent living without a single brother to accompany him…. None of them had picked up the phone when he called eagerly to wish them a happy birthday and hopefully celebrate together. There he had sat in his room, which they had once shared, waiting.
Back in the present, Karamatsu thought the same thing he did then. Will you call, since it’s our day today? Even though it’s ours to share, I have nothing…. I shouldn’t wait, because it makes me so sad, but I will. I’ll wait for you.
Of course, there had been no luck fishing by the time afternoon had come around. With one last look around, just to make sure none of his siblings perhaps were in sight, Karamatsu left. He made his way in town, stopping at the café that Todomatsu had once worked at—and had thrown a menu into his head, despite being the only one of his brothers to actually try and order something. Indeed, he was treated differently by his siblings, but it was a memory of them together all the same.
On the other hand, a coffee drink seemed rather odd for a grown man to be having for his birthday as opposed to an alcoholic one, but that was a staple he didn’t want to associate with that day anymore.
After waiting all day with no calls, he decided to go out to treat himself to a drink or two. It wasn’t much of a birthday, but they all had their own lives now, and lives tend to get busy. That was something Karamatsu couldn’t help, no matter how much he wanted to spend some time with his brothers like he once had. However, an unintentional smile crept upon his face at hearing the familiar, disapproving yell of his straight-laced brother. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to spend their birthday completely alone, even if he was only to spend a few drinks with Choromatsu. With a spring in his step, Karamatsu hurried to the bar it seemed to be emitting from, and sure enough, there he was. However, it wasn’t as Karamatsu wished to see him.
Choromatsu stood, yelling across the table—which was fine and usual, but he happened to be yelling at Osomatsu, Ichimatsu, Jyushimatsu, and Todomatsu. Karamatsu blinked in the doorway, watching them laugh and drink. A jolt ran through him at seeing them all together, clearly something that doesn’t happen by coincidence. His brows unknitted, turning up as he didn’t understand, but he didn’t want to. There was no way he could confront such a thing. Quickly he turned on his heel and left before noticed, a tight feeling in his chest. All he could do was wonder…why?
That moment still haunted Karamatsu, and despite the sweet coffee he was drinking, the same bitter taste of that night came through. One by one he had let them go, although he still held on to each one of them. He wondered if they remembered the time they still held him—or when exactly that last time was. Thinking back, Karamatsu knew he shouldn’t have stayed in that house, watching each one leave him, because he was so lonely without them…. It had just prolonged the pain and lie he was living.
Even as the day became evening, Karamatsu received no calls. He stood on the bridge, silently, wishing that maybe Osomatsu would come to scare him like he did once so long ago. Although he hadn’t appreciated falling into the river because of his brother, he would give anything to have just one more moment like it. He wished, but he couldn’t hope, as there was none. Maybe there had been last year, but no more.
After that incident at the bar, Karamatsu was left confused, feeling as if he were confined in a dark, dank place—no, not confined, but left to roam aimlessly in hopes of finally finding something, when in that darkness there was actually nothing to be found. He eventually found himself at Chibita’s, the same who had consoled him once before when he had been forgotten. There weren’t many words spoken—hardly any needed to be said for him to understand. For once, despite Chibita’s offer of giving it to him for free, Karamatsu actually paid for the untouched food he ordered, feeling he had nothing more to lose anyways.
It hadn’t helped much, but at least Karamatsu had been able to get it off his chest. He sat on a bench across the street from Chibita’s, looking up at the moon, pondering but chasing off any thoughts so as to escape his situation. And then it was there again, their voices, and he turned again to see his siblings…laughing, joking, having fun, and taking a seat at Chibita’s just as they once had when Karamatsu had been there to join them.
Chibita looked at them oddly, but quickly recovered himself. “Where’s the other one?”
“What?”
“Your other brother!”
They looked at each other. “No…I’m pretty sure we’re all here…”
“You’re SEXTUPLETS, that means there are six of you!”
“Six…? Oh! That’s right, I forgot about Karamatsu!” Osomatsu chuckled. They all laughed, for a reason unbeknownst to Karamatsu, as he couldn’t think of anything less funny at that moment.
“Karamatsu?” Jyushimatsu said, looking down the line of them, seeming confused.
“’Forgot’, Osomatsu?” Choromatsu questioned wryly. “I know it was intentional, just like the rest of us!”
“Yeah, I want this night to be fun, not painful!” Todomatsu joked.
“You mean shitty,” Ichimatsu spoke up, making everyone laugh again. Chibita looked across the way, only able to see Karamatsu’s silhouette because he knew he was there, and gave him a sincerely apologetic look as Karamatsu watched their cheerful faces.
Karamatsu looked down down at the water and saw his reflection, which was suddenly broken by small ripples, and he realized that they were from few woeful tears falling through air from his own eyes. It was alright; he didn’t need his own reflection to remember his brothers’ smiles: They were all different, despite having the same face…because they were born that way. Karamatsu thought for a moment, wondering if it would have been better if his brothers had just been quintuplets, never a sixth to make them sextuplets; he felt so miserable without them that he questioned his existence.
Feeling a pressure on his chest, he at least knew there were at least two people who would celebrate his birthday with him, and Karamatsu walked down the moonlit street to his parents’ house. He wasn’t sure the small amount of closure it would give him was worth the pain of remembering everything that had ever happened in that house. In fact, it was impossible to remember everything, as it was his entire life, the entire life he had spent with Osomatsu, Choromatsu, Ichimatsu, Jyushimatsu, and Todomatsu.
As he approached the lit house and made his way up to the door, Karamatsu paused before knocking. There was laughter, a chorus he had heard many times in his past, and with taking a step back he looked through the window to see each of them sitting in the room.
There was tense pang in his chest, and a sick feeling came over him, his stomach tumbling as he swirled down into the depths of despair.
That was the future he had been looking forward to—the future of no plans, just him and his brothers together. They had all moved on, but now they kept the door of the past closed from him, his brothers able to relive it while he—who yearned for it the most—was locked out.
My brothers don’t fear the future, Karamatsu thought, squeezing his eyes shut in pain, nor the present, or live in the past…
He wasn’t like they were—he wasn’t part of them anymore. Karamatsu was breathless, his mind trailing off as he became unable to think.
Can I be like they are?
It hurt too much, an excruciating pain that Karamatsu had never felt before, slowly bringing him down to his knees while his breath was forced through his grinding teeth. He was no longer in his own head, and it was as if everything he thought were the words of someone else.
Forget the future.
Seeing them together, in their old house, it was heartbreaking, but just like his dream that morning had reminded him: Their warmth was no longer there, it was only him under the covers, left behind.
Let go of the present.
Even as his heart broke, he made sure to keep his brothers within it, as he would never let go of his siblings. Karamatsu clutched his chest as it ached, trying to keep his heart shut. He couldn’t let his love for them escape him.
Keep only the past…
Osomatsu and the others sat on their knees, lined up.
“Happy birthday, Karamatsu,” they said, his picture set before them. It wasn’t their first birthday without him…but now it was the first without the chance to be with him. “We’re sorry…”
It was that exact day the year before that they would never be able to speak to him again, right after they had finished celebrating their birthday at their old house, and as they walked out they found Karamatsu on the front doorstep…
Osomatsu bit his lip to keep it from trembling, Todomatsu blinking back tears from remembering.
“Is that…Karamatsu?”
“Ugh, he’s probably drunk…”
Choromatsu swallowed back the lump in his throat as he clenched his fists on his knees. Jyushimatsu sobbed openly as he dried his eyes with his hanging sleeves, which didn’t help Ichimatsu, as even he was having a difficult time holding back tears.
“Hey! Get up!”
“Get up, Shittymatsu.”
“Don’t kick him! Ugh, he’s pretty pale. We should probably get him inside…”
But that wasn’t something that would remedy what had happened. It didn’t take long for them to figure out that Karamatsu wasn’t breathing. While that was enough to make their hearts stop for a moment, finding that Karamatsu’s would never be beating again was far worse, let alone the reason.
“It seems he died of a heart attack,” the doctor told them as they all stood with their parents in the room as a thin white sheet was pulled over Karamatsu. “But his heart seemed to be completely healthy before this. It could have been Takotsubo cardiomyopathy—better known as Broken Heart Syndrome.”
“We’re sorry, Karamatsu,” Osomatsu repeated back in the present, trying to keep his voice from breaking. He was the oldest brother, and he had always taken it upon himself to keep the family together, but he had intentionally excluded his brother. Deep in his heart, Osomatsu knew he could never live it down, but he hoped that Karamatsu would forgive him.
“If we were there for you, we could’ve gotten you to the hospital in time…” Todomatsu whimpered. He wasn’t one for being around his brothers, and exclusively outcast Karamatsu like his other siblings, but the “pain” Karamatsu had caused was something incomparable to now.
“Karamatsu…” Jyushimatsu said, voice trembling as he gathered himself enough to look at his brother’s picture. It was hard to believe that since a year ago he would never see him again, and that he would never get the chance again to sing with Karamatsu on top of the roof.
“I’m sorry for not spending time with you when you asked!” Choromatsu said desperately, gritting his teeth and pressing his forehead to the floor in the deepest bow possible. Choromatsu had always cared about Karamatsu in an obligatory way, but it was never something he gave any thought to. He had only ever seen Karamatsu as a hindrance, something to blame for encumbering his life’s progression, when in reality it was not so. However, it was too late for Choromatsu to change his outlook now.
“I’m…I’m sorry for not speaking to you these past years,” Ichimatsu finally said lowly, eyes boring into the floor, watching the tatami mat soak up the few teardrops. Even he had to admit that he had good memories with Karamatsu, from the time they were born until he moved out of the house, and he indeed did love his brother even if he did dislike him…it had just taken some time for him to realize that you don’t have to like someone to love them.
“You won’t lose to pears this time,” Osomatsu said, pushing forward a bowl of freshly chopped pears, just like the ones they had once chosen over saving Karamatsu. It was extremely different now that he was actually gone, whisked away from their lives without a chance of making things right…especially after realizing they had made things so wrong over time.
“Happy birthday, Karamatsu.”
Will you call, since it’s our day today?
Even though it’s ours to share, I have nothing…
I shouldn’t wait, because I’m so sad without you
One by one I let you go, although I still hold you
Do you remember the time you still held me?
I shouldn’t have stayed, because I’m so lonely without you
I’ll never forget your smiles
Although we have the same face, they are all different
I shouldn’t have been born, because I’m so miserable without you
I still keep you in my heart, even if it’s not beating
I never let my love escape, though you forgot about me
I shouldn’t have been heartbroken, because I’m so happy to have lived with you
You never feared the future
Nor the present, or lived in the past
Can I be like you are?
I’ll forget the future
I’ll let go of the present
I’ll keep only the past