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Help. Help. Help us. Hawke. Hawke. Help us, Hawke.
Screams. Shrill screams. Terrorized screams. All repressed by the smoke. But Hawke was standing still, petrified, watching emotionlessly the shadows fighting for their life between the flames as the shack fell into ashes.
Hawke. Hawke. Wake up, Hawke.
Hawke suddenly opened his eyes as he stood up. Breathing heavily, he realized it was only a nightmare. He was home, in his bed. Safe. He did not dream of this for so long, but he was not surprised. It would always come out when he least expected it.
“Are you alright?” Fenris asked by his sides.
Hawke dismissed his concern as his eyes got lost on his right, on the fireplace. He could hear all these screams again. Under Fenris’ confused stare, Hawke stood up to stand by the fire. With a little magic, he extinguished it. No more screaming, no more nightmares.
“What is going on, Hawke?” Fenris said standing up to get to his sides. “What was your nightmare about?”
Hawke frustrated, sighed as he avoided his eyes. He grabbed Fenris under the thighs and threw both of them on the mattress.
“I just feel like warming up differently,” he murmured with a seductive smile as he started to kiss his partner’s neck.
Fenris put his hands on his naked back, closing his eyes as he let him explore his skin. Hawke was hungrily kissing him. One could have thought he was starving for touch but all he wanted was to keep his past from resurfacing.
Fenris’ shy moans sounded like music to Hawke’s ears as he made his way on his abdomen. Fenris tenderly grabbed his hair, following his moves. With one hand, Hawke started to open his pants which were getting too tight.
“You can talk to me, you know?” Fenris suddenly whispered.
Hawke froze. He could not pretend he did not hear him but he did not want to talk about it.
“Yeah,” Hawke answered, facing him. “I know, don’t worry,” he continued before going down on him again. “I just really want to have sex with you right now.”
“Talk to me first,’ Fenris insisted, gently backing away.
"Fine,” Hawke sighed as he put his pants back.
He lighted up the fireplace and sat on the edge of the bed, facing the door. Fenris hesitantly sat behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist, his chin resting on his left shoulder.
How could Hawke open up? He spent years earning Fenris' trust and respect, more years to even earn his love. He was scared by magic, scared by mages. He had every right to. Hawke showed him he was different, that mages could be different than the ones he knew. And Fenris trusted him, believed in him, every single day. Maybe it was time for Hawke to do the same.
“I had that dream,” Hawke started, playing with his fingers. “I’m five, four, I don’t know. And there’s a shack in flames.”
Fenris was listening carefully, stroking his stomach with his thumb.
“There’re kids in the shack. They’re burning, crying for help. And I do nothing.”
“Were you the one who started the fire?” Fenris asked.
Hawke’s silence spoke for him as Fenris softly kissed his shoulder.
“That’s just a bad dream,” he tried to comfort him.
“It is not,” Hawke said staring at some invisible point in front of him.
“Hawke, you’re not five and you control your powers now. It’s not a premonition or anything,” Fenris said.
Hawke turned to face him and nervously laughed: “You don’t understand Fenris. It’s not a dream, it’s a memory.”
Fenris opened his lips but no word came out. He let go of Hawke to put his hands on his knees. There. There it was. Fear. Hawke caught a glimpse of fear in his eyes.
“Was it,” Fenris tried to say. “Was it an accident?”
“No,” Hawke honestly replied.
The truth was a bit more complicated than that. Instinctive was the closest word to describe it. It was the first time his abilities ever showed up. He just suddenly knew he could start a fire if he wanted to. And that was what he did.
“Why?” Fenris murmured as he hesitantly reached for Hawke’s hand.
Hawke forced himself to remember. Another ambush from the neighborhood’s teenagers. They would regularly mock him for being different, for being weird, calling him queer or other names. He was just a little boy, a shy one who talked to plants instead of humans. Hawke explained it to Fenris. Not to gain his pity but because it was the truth. Perhaps he was blinded by love or maybe he was just too scared to admit the truth but Fenris tried to find excuses for him.
“Fenris,” Hawke sighed. “Don’t you understand? I wanted them dead.”
Fenris slowly let go of his hand as he listened to Hawke.
“I almost start to extinguish the fire then I thought ‘Why would I?’” he explained as he was reliving his memory. “‘They deserved it. Let them beg,’ I told myself as I watched them burn. And I was so happy to have them all gone.”
Fenris cut him and asked: “You don’t regret it, don’t you?”
Hawke looked into his eyes with a sad smile as he admitted: “I never did.”
The only reason that memory was still hunting him out of guilt toward Fenris. They deserved it. Hawke was still convinced of it.
“Right,” Fenris mumbled as he got up.
“Fenris, please, wait,” Hawke begged trying to stop him from leaving.
“Six years, Hawke,” he said, getting his clothes from the desk. “You had six years to confide in me.”
“See your reaction? That’s why I didn’t.”
“Oh no, don’t try to blame me, Hawke,” Fenris bitterly laughed. “First Isabela, then this? I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with you.”
Fenris quickly put his clothes on and furiously left the room.
“Fuck,” Hawked mumbled, grabbing the first shirt he saw as he run after him.
“Fenris! Fenris, wait!” He shouted standing before the main door.
“I thought you were different than other mages,” Fenris spat. “But you lied. You lied to me.”
“I wanted to be different for you!” Hawke replied. “I didn’t want you to see me as a monster.”
“But that’s exactly what you are,” Fenris replied.
Hawke, shaken and hurt, stared at his beloved one. He did not one to believe he just said that but he knew he had. Speechless, Hawke stepped back. In seconds, Fenris was gone and he was left all alone. Fenris thought he was a monster. All these years of earning his trust were cast away in a single night. Good job, Hawke, he thought.
Hawke headed back to his room, ignoring his dog on his way. Maybe Fenris was right, maybe he was a monster after all. He betrayed Isabela when he let the Arishok take her with them. But she did betray him first. She left when he already told her he would let her get the relic. She deserved it just as they deserved it. They harassed him for years, making him feel like he didn’t belong. Why would he be the monster?
Hawke sat in front of the fireplace. He was not a monster; he had every right to feel resentful. He never hurt anyone out of sadism, he always had a good reason to. He never used blood magic but when he fought Corypheus. He was different from tevintide mages.
Hours passed and Hawke did not move. Still thinking, persuaded he was right. At some point, he heard a few knocks on his door. He did not answer, thinking it was Bodhan. The person opened the door. By the sound of their footstep, Hawke recognized Fenris. His partner kneeled behind him in silence. Hawke kept staring at the fire. He was not mad at him but he had no idea what to say. Eventually, Fenris put his hand on his shoulder.
“I didn’t mean it,” he murmured to him. “I’m sorry, I went too far.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it sooner,” Hawke said. “I was scared.”
“I know,” Fenris whispered kissing the back of his neck. “You’re not a monster, Hawke.”
Fenris wrapped his arms around his shoulders as he put his cheek on the top of his head. Hawke sighed in relief as he grabbed one of his wrists to stroke it with his thumb.
“What am I then?” Hawke asked, almost to himself.
Fenris backed away as Hawke turned to face him. Fenris grabbed both his cheeks, looking deeply into his eyes. There was no more fear in his look, only tenderness.
“All I have,” Fenris whispered as he got closer. “And all I want.”
The two men kissed, tenderly. There was no haste. Hawke feared of losing Fenris that night. He wanted to take his time to show Fenris how he loved him from the bottom of my soul.