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It was strange when Luka had stopped squirming. Funny even, because he always used to. He’d pant, squirm, and scream like a lamb who refused the butcher’s knife. Patience was not a currency the segyein could afford to spend on a weak child. They had the small mercy of starting with small doses, but Luka never stopped struggling. They couldn’t help but use a stronger drug.
It numbed Luka for more than a while. The pain felt dimmer, yet he didn’t feel any freer in the straps.
He knew they had drugged him. He was almost thankful for it. The physical pain was gone, but the weight of his brain felt heavy in those hours of being tested.
It was loneliness, he finally concluded as his blood was taken.
Luka knew Hyuna and Hyun-woo got tested together. They also came out seemingly fine. Hyuna still had the energy to play after being tested, while Luka couldn’t barely keep his eyes open.
Perhaps if he wasn’t so alone, it would be better. Hyun-woo and Hyuna seemed so happy with each other. He knew they were "siblings,” or so they said.
They apparently had the same DNA, but did that really cause all that happiness? Luka would watch with droopy eyes how close those two were.
Hyuna had some decency to try to include Luka in. He found it pitiful, and at times, he despised it. She’d ignore Hyun-woo for him sometimes, which was strange to Luka.
They were siblings. She was an older sister. She should always be with Hyun-woo, yet her pity led her to Luka.
At moments, it felt nice to be the center of her attention, but it was only temporary. Luka knew where she belonged.
That exulted look in her eyes that he yearned to shake away.
Luka knew he was pitiful. He knew his body was weak and fragile. He saw everyone’s looks. The pitiful faces the “kind” ones made and the insensitive jokes the immature ones made. Luka ignored them, but sometimes he’d roll his eyes or glance elsewhere.
Apparently, that was considered “rude.” Luka didn't understand that concept either, but being rude meant you were going to be hit.
But no one hit Luka.
Last moment, they'd always step back because Luka was, as they said, the “weak one.” They’d then walk away, calling Luka spoiled.
Luka didn't know if he was spoiled. Ha did know Herperu would smooch his mouth against Luka’s. But Luka hated it. He always did. He never liked those touches or those inhuman eyes on him. He thought about those moments when anyone mentioned the concept of “spoiled.”
They would say it in a negative way, but it was aimed at him, not his owner.
He never dared tell anyone about those moments. They would just assume it was another pitiful thing on his long list. Those abject moments always made him “moody” afterwards, according to an ignorant Hyuna.
Hyuna would poke his cheek and grin. He never understood her constant cheerfulness. She’d even call him cute and try to cuddle him when all he wanted was silence. Feeling too tired, he’d let her.
Then there was Hyun-woo. Besides having Hyuna’s DNA, he was more like the other kids. Often confused and weirded out by Luka, he’d say insensitive things and try to pull Hyuna away from him. He was also bad-tempered.
Hyun-woo was the only one stupid enough to get into fights with Luka. Hyun-woo barely ever thought, unlike Hyuna, who was always clever, mature, but also optimistic. It was easy to bait him into fights. To Luka’s disappointment, Hyuna would always separate them. She would defend Luka and scold Hyun-woo about how they “needed” to take care of him.
It would leave Luka to watch her scoldings as if he wasn’t right there. He would watch, longing to be blamed as well instead of being called fragile.
After thinking, he eventually came to the conclusion that Hyuna liked this life. Perhaps she liked what an owner would do. Perhaps what Luka’s owner would do was normal, and it was Luka who wasn't normal. Perhaps he was not normal for not liking his owner.
Luka didn't like being referred to as property. He didn't like being touched or stared at. He didn't like being forced to sing. But perhaps Hyuna did? She was so delighted when talking about her owner.
Luka found it a difficult concept to comprehend, but he wished to test it.
He tried calling Hyuna his for the first time. She chuckled and tackled him with a hug. Next, Luka tried sucking her like Heperu sometimes did. Hyuna was fine with that too.
A bit startled but accepting.
He conducted the last test and pinned her down, tugging her shirt. They were alone under the shadow of a tree. Her eyes at last widened as Luka’s gaze hovered over her.
Her skin trembled, but she was frozen. That was okay. Luka would freeze when Heperu would kiss him too. This was okay.
Luka leaned down until he could breathe in her breath. Hyuna was so weak for once, so afraid. No unexpected comments or rash actions. Just quiet. It was almost lovely.
It didn't matter physically. They were both property. Her feelings and body didn't matter anymore than Luka’s. They were both still all just property. It was comforting. Hyuna being as weak and pitiful as him was comforting.
His eyes never caught hers. Her sharp eyes wide and stuck to him. That was enough. The moment Luka got off her, Hyuna bolted.
Hyun-woo would approach Luka later. His brows lowered, and he was screaming like an idiot. Luka stared blankly as Hyun-woo yelled and mentioned Hyuna’s name.
“I didn’t hurt her.” Luka went back to his Rubix cube, focusing on the color patterns, trying to avoid Hyun-woo’s aggravating voice. It hurt his ears to bear it any longer. “It’s normal.” Luka whispered to himself before glancing up. “If she didn’t want it, she would have pushed me away. She’s able to, isn’t she? I’m so fragile after all." Luka didn’t know why he was smiling when all inside him was bitterness.
He smiled again when Hyun-woo’s body tackled him. It didn’t hurt. Luka could not cry. Hyun-woo’s face became a blur as punches were thrown. When Hyun-woo’s spit splattered on Luka, Luka pushed the younger boy off him in disgust.
Crack.
The lack of pain didn’t absolve his panting. Inbetween trying to catch his breath, he looked up at the sound.
Hyun-woo’s head had landed on a rock. Mutters echoed between the watching children. Hyun-woo wasn’t moving.
Hyuna was watching.
She couldn’t scold Hyun-woo when the boy was not moving. Her expression was even more panicked than earlier. Her fists trembling, but her back straight. Frozen again. For him.
She couldn’t pity him when Hyun-woo was the loser. Luka’s heart throbbed as he clenched on to his shirt. A euphoria emerged from a place Luka didn’t know existed.
There was nothing more exciting than someone not just hurt but dead because of him. Hyun-woo was just gone. The annoying boy was gone. Luka didn’t even know his nose was bleeding in the moment. Not when this rush enclasped him. His lips curved up with flushed cheeks.
The cheerful girl disappeared, and Luka was glad. He didn’t even think of apologizing, but his eyes always followed her. She pushed away everyone and reacted terribly to their instructors.
Luka studied her like a specimen that was constantly changing. He didn’t have the shame to glance away when their gazes met. She would sometimes freeze when his eyes peered through her.
Her fists would clench, but she would still never fight or scream at him. Hyuna was still too kind to ever hurt him.
The first word he received after the incident was “goodbye.” After years of no words, she finally talked to him. She snuck into his room just to say that.
Not feeling startled or surprised, he nodded back. He had trouble sleeping at night so the unexpected guest didn't bother him.
Luka didn’t understand her actions, and neither tried to. He just stared, watching her as if cementing her into his mind.
“Goodbye.” He tested the words on his tongue when she turned her back. They felt strange and ill-fitting, but perhaps she needed him to say it too. So he did.
That was the night she left.
Life made sense only on the stage. It became his only freedom. It wasn’t just the singing. It was the game.
The rapid beating of his competitor and his own heart. That euphoria only came when Luka stepped on others. It wasn’t just watching them get shot.
It was playing with them, feeling their fear, embracing their fear.
No matter how strong and fit the other competitor was, they would fall gracefully when shot. They could not pity or look down on him in a death game.
His discomfort with the blood on his face didn’t matter either. His discomfort with the strange hands that grabbed him. His discomfort when waving to his “fans.” His discomfort when welcoming the stares didn’t matter.
His competitors’s comfort didn’t matter. Neither did this peony haired girl’s.
It was only when she grabbed his neck that he felt shock, but it evaporated quickly. Fear and pain were the hardest to hold on to, these days. Seeing the girl in such a deep rage was beautiful.
A love that deep was beautiful. Not feeling pain, he thought of the girl’s love.
Her beloved was dead, but she was loved even now. Loved not as an object but as a person.
No one would scream and rampage if he died. He was property after all. Perhaps some tutted sighs of his owner would be given.
Luka’s face wasn’t his. It was a product to be sold and rented out. But in those moments where his face blossomed into violets, he felt free.
His owner must be so disappointed and distraught that his product’s face was ruined.
Luka smiled.
He’ll be stitched up no matter what the damage was, and he’ll be all pretty again for those hands.
Luka didn't move an inch when they grabbed Mizi away. He prayed for a second that she frees herself and ends his life.
If he died, he yearned to die with liberty. Die a horrible person rather than die a pet who failed the game. Die at the hands of human irrationality rather than die by a low-ranking alien. But alas, Mizi could not break free. She could not kill him. When smoke arose, Luka knew he'd see her.
Hyuna met his eyes for what felt like the millionth time. She had practiced her stone face well in the years apart. Good for her, he thought, his lips parted as he admired her existence.
She knew he wouldn't snitch or scream for the guards. Luka let her leave like he had done many times.
He knew he owned a place in her heart that she could not take back. No matter how much she could glare or act stiffly.
Perhaps in another life, he could own all of her.
But for now, her confused hate and love were enough. Anything a weak, fragile object like him could gain from her was enough. To have an effect on her life was enough.
Luka has always felt weak and fragile, but effecting others’s lives changed that. Whether it was being the cause of Hyun-woo's death or causing Mizi to rampage.
There was power in changing people.
Being loved was never enough. He wished for the power Heperu and anyone who ever touched him had.
He was selfish. He knew it. So he’ll let her escape and watch from afar.
If fate led her back to him, he’d be thankful. Until then, he’ll watch like the reserved boy who only indulged when allowed.