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The nocturnal landscape is filled with sounds that can’t be found in Linkon. The grasshoppers sing as they jump swiftly along the grass blades that grow without any worries as far as the gaze can reach. Even the silence carries with itself a different cadence than the one that can be found in the big city.
The breeze that whispers softly is fresh, full of sweet scents that are as strange as they are novel. As novel as the bedding that now is underneath my body, that even though is completely unfamiliar to me, makes me feel comfortable.
Although I must be honest: I don’t know if I feel that way because of the coziness that radiates from the bed... or because the person that now lays beside me makes me feel a peace I have been yearning of for a long, long time. Truth is, I can’t even remember when was the last time I allowed myself to just breathe.
Since I lost my family, it seems that life keeps throwing at me challenges that get harder to conquer every time. But even though I would love to allow myself to fall, scream and cry until my voice can only come out in whispers and my throat gets thorn to shreds after I let out all the pain that keeps threatening to consume myself... starting from the place that where only my heart is supposed to be. But I can’t. Not when there’s still so many mysteries surrounding the loss of those who loved me the most, not when there’s still so many innocent civilians that require me to protect them for the things they can’t... Not when I’m only allowed to survive.
- What are you thinking about, Sweetie? - The use of that nickname would make me frown and roll my eyes had it come from anyone else in the world. However, the voice that pronounces it belongs to him, who is now looking at me with his eyes full of tenderness while he rubs his face against a hand (my hand) that is caressing softly his cheek.
Tenderness that, people would think, isn’t suitable for a criminal leader.
In an attempt to evade giving my answer, I move my hand higher, so I can start ruffling his hair with my fingers. It’s soft to the touch, and I could stay hours repeating these motions, specially after watching Sylus close his eyes whilst enjoying that little display of affection.
I know I promised to be more honest, bolder, but I’m still afraid of imposing my emotions and making everything I touch sick with my sadness. I don’t want to ruin this precious moment sharing the thoughts that have been running around my head since a few hours ago, when I allowed myself to picture a simple life in this land that we arrived like it was magic.
A life without the existence of the Aether Core, the Wanderers attacks... and specially, without the constant danger that Sylus exposes himself into, being the leader of Onychinus. At a rational level, I can understand that it’s virtually impossible for something to happen to him. But, do tell, who can have absolute control over the thoughts that are born from our unconscious minds? I know I can’t. So my heart never stops being worried about him.
The silence between us keeps getting longer and longer, only broken by the characteristic symphonies that belong to the nature that surrounds us. I can feel him waiting for my answer to his question, but he also knows when no to put pressure on me to speak.
After a few seconds pass, I decide to finally open my mouth to speak, without stoppinf my caresses on his hair, fixing my gaze in it so I can avoid his eyes. - Nothing in particular. - It’s a lie, and we both know I’m lying. Terribly so, even. But I’m terrified of abruptly ending with these few seconds of serenity that have been gifted to us... where I’m not a Hunter, and he is not a Criminal Leader.
Where we are just “Him” and “I”.
I want to memorize every part of his face, which has the ability to make me feel that I’m chasing something (someone?) that I knew in another life everytime I see him. I want to protect him, hold him in my arms so I can keep him away from all the things that have robbed him from needing sleep.
I want to see him enjoying the simple pleasures that life has to offer, like eating roasted chestnuts from a street vendor.
I decide to start moving my fingertips across the skin at my reach, stopping for an extra second once I arrive to the place I scratched when we first met. Even if there’s no scar that proves what happened, the guilt that weighs heavy in my soul doesn’t disappear as easily.
But he never holds over me my mistakes. He just closes his eyes and smiles warmly at me. And this, together with the change in our usual surroundings, makes me feel like everything that has become a burden in my soul is just a bad dream.
Without a doubt, life is easier here where the grass grows beyond the horizon. And for a second, I allow myself to think about never returning to Linkon. He is ready to stay with me at any place I dare to choose, even if it were at the edge of the world, and I can’t keep but picture him as a shepherd. The visual image makes me giggle softly, and this change in my attitude makes Sylus drop the weigh he was carrying on his shoulders after watching me immersed in my thoughts. He then reaches with one of his hands my face, mimicking the caresses I’ve been giving him.
- It’s one of my favorite sounds, you know? Your laugh. I’d rather have it resounding in my ears than having you drowning in worries without asking me for help. - Playfully, he flicks my forehead to emphasize his words and how much he dislikes when I’m not sincere about the things that matter the most.
How I long to be different. Genuinely, it’s one of the things I want the most. Everytime I’m on patrol duty at the city, sometimes I can’t help but feel twitches of envy when I see the couples that openly walk around holding hands, sharing sweet kisses even if they are in the middle of the day, basking in the golden light of the sun. Meeting after work exchanging laughs and hugs. Living the “normal” things that I feel are so out of my reach.
I wish I didn’t have to fear the day I slip out and the Association discovers that I’ve become tangled with someone that, most certainly, leads the most prominent “Wanted” lists around the world.
However, at this moment, we are hundreds, if not thousands, of kilometers away from the place that demands we use multiple masks just to comply with the roles we have been assigned to perform. Maybe, just at this moment, in this place, I can allow myself to be fully honest with him. Here where no one knows us and our past doesn’t exist. Where stars shine and in doing so, remind me of its existence.
Despite the voices that can be heard outside of the place that has been arranged so we can use as temporary housing, inside these walls is like only the two of us existed in this world. What wouldn’t I give to make this sensation last a bit longer. I wish my Evol were Chronos Class. Maybe that way, I could trap these seconds, so they never had to end. Then I wouldn’t be so afraid to let myself be lulled to sleep by the warmth that radiates from Sylus’s body, because when I had to open my eyes again, I could make sure that this little piece of perfection could go on for as long as I commanded.
At this moment, while he so carefully displays me sweetness and devotion using soft gestures and caresses, the only thing I can think about is how much I wish his presence never fades from my life. How much I never want to lose him. How much I desire a peaceful life by his side. Would it be selfish of me to say that I don’t want to lose anyone else ever again? I don’t know if I would be strong enough to keep going against the tide if he also were to vanish from my side.
I still have trouble to find the words to express out loud the worries and wishes that live in my heart. But as I hide my face on his chest, removing what little distance existed between us until that second, letting my ears be filled with the sweet melody of his heartbeats and breathing, I hope he can at least understand that there’s no other place I’d rather be.
I wish we could be eternal.
His arms close softly against me as I feel the tiredness accumulated through the day washing over my eyelids, forcing them to close whilst uncontrollable yawns start to escape from my lips.
- Sleep, Shavanika. - Ah, there it is, that word again, I thought as I started to lose the grip on my consciousness, my body melting on the peace that being with Sylus can bring to me. Long has been since my own heartbeats stopped being on a frenzy, and now it feels like his and mine are playing one same melody that mixes beautifully with nature’s symphony, only for us to hear. His hands start to gently stroke my back, giving my body even more warmth.
How quickly he can master other languages... I also should try to learn. - Shavanika – I barely manage to repeat, my pronunciation less than stellar as I start slurring my words due to the sleep that keeps growing. For a second, I believe I feel Sylus’s breathing has stopped, as if my words had taken him aback, but soon I feel his embrace getting tigher as a soft sigh leaves his lips.
- You don’t have to focus on anything else tonight. - I can feel a soft kiss on my forehead as I drift away to dreamland, fluttering like if a butterfly had given it to me. - Just on living .
To live... how wonderful that sounds. To live.
I want to live.
Am I allowed to live?