Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Evan stood in front of the library printer bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited for his letter to print out. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him but he really didn’t care, he just needed his letter. He could feel the itch on his skin as the slow printer started to spit out his item. He just needed to get out, he really needed to feel the pinch of a needle on his skin. It was still funny to him that someone who once wrote “smoking drugs” would be a junkie now, but life was funny that way or maybe it was karma, Evan wasn’t really sure anymore. 

“Got it?” His sponsor, Ethel asked as he slipped into her car. 

“Yeah.” Evan waved his folder as they drove off towards the old church that was holding their weekly narcotics anonymous meeting was being held. Evan usually didn’t mind getting there early to help set up but after last night he really just wanted to curl up on Ethel’s couch and dissociate. He was probably still a little high and he also knew that if Ethel let him out of her sight he would go back and get more coke and have everything just stop. 

“Evan.” Ethel laid a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. She knew how hard it was to keep clean, she herself had relapsed nine times before she had been able to fully quit 7 years ago. Now at 52, she looked at the young man in his early 30s suffering as she had but she had no idea how to comfort him, no idea what had pushed him back. He had been doing so good, sure he lived on her couch but it was better than her at 30. “Do you want to talk tonight?” 

“Yeah I think I need to.” Evan said as he moved the chairs into their usual circle. He could see the black hoodie out of the corner of his eyes and could feel the skin over his heart burning. He really didn’t need this right now, he thought as he flung himself into a chair and hunched down as more people started to file into the room. He bounced his leg and hugged himself as he waited for his turn to speak. 

“Hi, I’m Evan and I relapsed last night.” He started off trying to stare at the figure seated opposite him, the hoodie, the hair, it was too much. It was easier to keep his eyes on the floor. “I didn’t mean to but I got a Dear Evan Hansen letter yesterday and it was too much.” He didn’t know how to go on, he could feel the words locking up in his throat. 

“Would you like to go more?” Ethel asked as she watched Evan’s breath start to speed up. 

“Sorry.” He apologized scratching at the fresh track marks on his arm. “Yeah, when I was in high school, I was a pathological liar with severe social anxiety so basically anytime anyone asked me about anything I would lie to get the best response so they wouldn’t hate me.” This was something he had been open about before and Ethel didn’t care that he was now brutally honest so he wouldn’t revert back to old habits. Evan liked that about her that she understood him, that she knew and still liked him. His own mother could barely look at him the last time she saw him, she was the reason he still had a facebook page to make sure he was still alive and that was the extent of his contact with Heidi Hansen. 

 “I’ve never really talked about the real reason I started using, not that what I’ve talked about before with me hating myself and wanting to feel anything wasn’t true because it is. I did hate myself and kind of still do at times. But when I was a senior in highschool, I went to therapy and one assignment from the doctor, who was shit by the way, was to write myself letters; “Dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be a good day and here’s why.” Which for highschool me sucked as no day was a good day and I hated writing them but my first day back, I wrote a note that was misconstrued as a suicide note. You see, I had written it during a free period at school and another student, Connor.” He sucked in a breath as he said the other’s name. “Took it and read it, it mentioned his sister, I had a crush on her before I realized I was gay, and got super angry. I tried to get it back but back then confrontation was not something I did. He ended up killing himself that night with the letter still on him.” Evan paused to take a deep breath before continuing.

“His parents found the letter and thought that it was his note to me so they came to school to talk to me about it and me being the pathological liar that I was, I ended up pretending that I had been his friend.” He looked up at the boy sitting across from him before ducking his head once more. “It all culminated in me and another student starting the Connor Project. I was so overwhelmed with all my lies and it all crashing down on me, I showed the letter to the other leader of the group, who ended up publishing it online, no one of us knew the true ramifications of it. Everything ended up crashing for me a few months later with my lies being revealed to the family of Connor. But I didn’t discover the real damage I had caused until six months later when I received my first Dear Even Hansen letter from Carly Page, a sixteen year old who thought she had no one else to write to before she downed enough pills to kill an elephant. I’ve received 15 letters in as so many years, the last one was yesterday, I looked him up, he was a 17 year old boy.” Evan finally looked up far enough to meet Connor’s eyes as the other stared at him from across the circle. “I shouldn’t have read it but I also feel like if they had to write to me because they had no one else, then I have to read it so that they won’t be forgotten. That even though they felt alone in life, they won't in death.” He shrugged. “I had hoped that maybe I was strong enough but I guess it was just too much.” 

Ethel drove Evan back to her house after the meeting, keeping an eye on the other as she drove. She had known the other had hated himself when they met the first time, she just didn’t realize how much he had never said about why. She knew that his lying was one of the reasons but not all the lies it took to push him over the edge. “You good?” She asked as they pulled into her driveway. 

“Yeah.” He nodded, he knew what he had to do. Connor had been goading him non stop about it since last night and he just wanted the other to stop. He knew he was such a fuck up and didn’t need the other to remind him about it. Though it had been nice to see the other again. He never knew if he was getting high to see Connor or to chase away his ghost once and for all. “It helped you know, telling everyone how much of a colossal fuck up I am.”  He toed off his shoes as they walked into the living room and dropped onto the couch. He knew Ethel would stay up with him, but he also knew that she would probably lose consciousness around 3am which would give him enough time to do what he needed. With just one final letter everything would be over. He had one baggie left in his folder that Ethel never checked when she turned over the living room looking for his supply. It would be enough. 

“So you’re finally gonna do it?” Connor asked as Evan slipped out the front door, lighter, needle and the baggie in his jeans pocket. 

“You’re gonna stay till the end right?” Evan asked as he walked towards the park, his letter on the coffee table by the door. 

“I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I left.” Connor fell into step with the other as the short walk felt particularly long that night. “Saw your letter, Dear Connor Murphy.”

“Shut up Connor.” Evan cut him off. “Felt like it was poetic, your fake suicide note adressed to me and my real one to you.”

“You know if I never read that letter, I’d probably still be alive today.” Connor kicked a rock as they made their way into the park.

“I know.” Evan nodded as they walked towards the small bank of oak trees. “I will never be able to apologize enough.” He grabbed the lowest branch as he hauled his body up the tree. 

“I think this is apology enough as long as you don’t fuck it up.” Connor said following the other up. “Again.” 

“I won't.” Evan said as he made his way up to the top most branch he felt could hold his weight. He pulled out his drugs before looking over at Connor sitting next to him. “I never meant for this all to get so complicated.” He flicked his lighter in his hand. 

“I know Evan, you just can’t stop lying.” Connor swung his legs back and forth looking down at the ground so many feet below them. 

“Not anymore.” Evan grinned as he pushed the needle into his arm and pushed the small plunger. He could feel the sweet relief start to over take him. ”No more lies.” He took a deep breath. “I just wish we could have been actual friends. That I could have met the real you.”

“I would have hated you.” Connor said offering a hand to the other. 

“Get in line.” Evan laughed as he stood up on the branch before looking down. They had to be at least 50 feet up, more than the last time at least. “Gonna jump with me?” He looked over at Connor, still so young. 

“No, I'll leave that to you, tree boy.” Connor put a hand on the other’s shoulder. 

“See you on the other side?” Evan asked, taking one foot off the branch.

“Sure Evan, I’ll see you on the other side.” Connor grinned as he pushed the other forward and Evan closed his eyes. 

Chapter Text

Evan groaned as he hit the ground, the sun bearing down on his face with an uncomfortable heat. “Fuck.” He swore, opening his eyes to see it was daytime and he was surrounded by trees. He looked down at his left arm to see bone peeking out from his skin but no track marks. This must be hell then, he deserved it though why his marks would be gone but the broken arm back he wasn’t sure. He slowly pushed himself into a sitting position, his high fading fast. 

He wasn’t really sure what to do now. He never really believed in an afterlife but he thought maybe there would be someone there to show him the ropes or be there to like start with the torture but maybe being alone was the torture. He pushed himself to his feet, trying to cling to the last little bit of his high as he walked to where he wasn’t sure just yet. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone with a huge crack in the screen. Funny it was the same phone he had back during highschool, though pressing the power button was met with little success. His arm was numb and how Evan wished that it was his whole body that was numb instead. 

He broke through the tree line to see a parking lot, he didn’t know where his keys were, not that he thought the cars would start just like how his phone wasn’t working. Though he was finally greeted with a sign to where he was. “Welcome to Ellison State Park.” was proudly displayed. Funny, Evan wondered why he was here and not his highschool. He once thought the worst day of his life was at this park but it had actually been in the principal's office as he sat across from the Murphy’s and lied right to their faces. Maybe he was supposed to walk there, really beat in the fact that this was the bad place. Well he had nothing else to do. 

Evan scratched at his left arm, where his track marks used to be despite them not being there they were still itchy, not noticing his fingers coming away red coated in blood that had started to run down his arm and drip onto the ground. He started walking on the path towards the main road. There was nobody around. Evan slowly made his way back to town with nobody giving him a second glance truly hammering the fact home to Evan that being alone was part of his fucked up afterlife. He kept his eyes downward as he made it to the edge of the football field. 

Looking up, he saw a familiar figure in a hoodie sitting at one of the picnic tables outside, smoke curling around his hand as he raised a joint to his mouth. “You know I didn't think there would be weed in hell but you know devil’s lettuce, funny.” Evan laughed, grabbing the joint from the other before sitting across from Connor. He took a long drag before meeting the other’s surprised face.

Connor Murphy had not been having a good day. First Larry had woken him up at 8am yelling about him wasting his summer in bed and sleeping all day and then since Cynthia had started them all on a new gluten free vegan diet, in an attempt to fix him and don't even get him started on Zoe. He knew that realistically he was the reason that everything sucked at him. That his anger fucked up everything but he couldn’t help it. He just got so angry at everyone and couldn’t hold it in and when he did try, the scars on his wrist were proof of that. It was just never enough, he was just never enough. 

So with Larry yelling at him, Connor just needed to get out before he exploded. The problem was that he didn’t have anywhere to go, his keys had been taken earlier in the week so he couldn’t just escape this town. The mall was a no go, way too many people that would just piss him off. Honestly the only place that Connor could think of that there wouldn’t be people would be school and wasn’t that a trip. Connor hated school and how everyone looked at him and now he wanted to go there to get away from the looks of his family. 

Connor dug out his small baggie of weed from where it was taped to the slats under his bed. He quickly threw on a hoodie, it was probably clean enough and thundered down the stairs. 

“Where are you going?” Cynthia asked from the kitchen as Connor stalked through the entrance hall. 

“Out.” He slammed the door behind him and let his eyes close in relief. There was something soothing about slamming the door and creating a barrier between him and his family. They never understood him and never really seemed like they wanted to anyways. Pulling out his earbuds, Connor jammed them into his ears and put on his angriest music. No one was going to approach him anyway but this was an extra layer of fuck off energy. It didn’t take him long to jump the fence and make his way to the picnic benches outside. It was kind of weird seeing the school so empty and Connor wished that he had grabbed his sketchbook before storming out of the house but there was no way he was going back so soon. 

Lighting his joint, Connor stared out at the empty football field not really taking anything in just letting his mind wander. He honestly didn’t know long he had been staring at nothing. He raised his hand to take another drag but before he was able to do so someone took it from him. What the fuck? Connor turned to face the other and the first thing he could see was red, the other’s arm was covered in blood. “... devil’s lettuce, funny” He caught the end of what the other was saying as his eyes trailed up from the other’s arm to his face. 

“What..” Was the only word that Connor could think to say as he watched the other take a drag of his joint before blowing rings and grinning at him. 

“I mean it makes sense or it’s like poetic or some shit.” Evan waved the joint in the air and grinned at the other. He was probably delirious from blood loss at this point, not that Evan had really noticed that he was bleeding. His broken arm was a distant memory to him, had drugs fried his brain? maybe, but it was more he hated thinking back to senior year. Everything that he had ruined, the people he had destroyed and all the lies. 

“Right.” Connor could only gape at the other as smoked. He was pretty sure that this was the kid that always hung around that idiot Kleinman but there was no way. That kid was a stuttering mess. “You know your arm is really fucked up.” He didn’t know what else to say and he was pretty sure there was bone literally poking out of the other’s skin. It was kind of gross actually.

“Hmm?” Evan hummed looking down at his arm finally noticing the blood on his skin. He didn’t remember it being that bad the first time around. Though at this point he had already been in the hospital. “I guess so.” He set the joint down to poke at his arm, it was still numb. “Not that it really matters anyways.” Evan was pretty sure that you couldn’t die twice but what did he know?

“Okay.” Well Cynthia was always harping on about harping on maybe if he helped someone else it could help him or some shit like that. This would be his one good deed for like the year. “Where’s your car, you need the hospital.” 

“Probably still at Ellison.” Evan shrugged. Ellison was like 6 miles away, had he really walked that far without anyone taking notice of the blood running down his arm.

“Great.” Connor really didn’t want to walk to the hospital but he also didn’t really want to leave this kid alone. As honestly he wasn’t sure the other would go without someone taking him. Though in the end it wasn’t actually that hard to get the other to walk to the hospital. It was like the guy would do anything he asked. Connor wasn’t sure if it was because he was high or delirious but it was helpful as Connor half carried him into the emergency room. He watched as a doctor escorted the other back before leaving. Connor knew that once the other wasn’t so out of his mind they wouldn’t want him around. No one did.

Chapter Text

Evan didn’t know why Connor was taking him to the hospital but Evan would follow the other anywhere. He owed everything to Connor after all. After everyone finally got sick of him, Connor was still there. “You’re gonna stay right?” Evan asked as the doctor escorted him through the doors of the ER, looking back at Connor. 

“What happened?” The Doctor asked, helping the young teen up onto the bed. 

“I was in a tree then on the ground.” Evan didn’t remember the fall but he supposed that was normal. 

“You’re going to need surgery.” The doctor commented as he used a damp piece of clean gauze to wipe the blood off Evan's arm to get a better look at the wound before helping the teen into a wheelchair to take him to the surgical center. 

“Okay.” Evan nodded, pain finally erupting from his arm and he knew what he had to do. This had to be some fucked up hell test. “No narcotics or opiates. If I start I’m not going to stop.” He confessed knowing it was the truth. One day maybe he could but not today. 

“I’ll make note of it.” Evan could see how the doctor’s expression changed, how everyone’s did when they realized what he was. Evan opened his mouth to speak more but was distracted by his reflection as he was wheeled through the hallways. He looked so young, so healthy. He hadn’t looked like that since highschool. Evan didn’t have much time to contemplate it before he was put under for surgery. 

Waking up in a hospital wasn’t a new thing for Evan though it hadn’t been recently. Seven good months until he fucked it up again. Couldn’t even kill himself right. Ethel would finally give up on him. “Mr. Hansen.” A nurse came into the room from the sound of his heart monitor starting to speed up with his anxiety. Noticing the panicked look on the boy’s face, she stepped closer. “Shh let me give you some pain meds.” Thinking that was why the boy was so out of sorts. 

“No.” Evan snapped, anger rising and his anxiety washing away. “I’m gonna stay clean.” He looked around the room not sure if he wanted to see the familiar black hoodie. 

“Okay.” And there was the look again, Evan hated that look. He wanted to scream but that wouldn’t do anything. 

“Can I leave?”

“Once the attending doctor clears you.” The nurse said, eyeing the teenager before backing out of the room. Yeah there was no way Evan was sticking around for that. Seeing his clothing in a bag on the side table, Evan heaved himself out of the bed. He did his best to dress without taking off the heart monitor. Whatever he looked exactly like what he was, no clothing would hide it. He bit his lip pulling out the saline drip trying not to think of the better pinch of a needle in his arm. 

Finally unclipping the heart monitor, Evan hightailed it out of the hospital. It took him a second to recognize that he was in Syracuse. Had his mother transferred him there in some last ditch effort to save her son? Stalking down the familiar streets, Evan’s eyes wandered down to the familiar cast, all it was missing was one signature.

Evan flipped the bird at a car that slowed down as they drove past him before turning up the sidewalk to the Hansen house. It was dark. “Real helpful mother.” He grumbled going around to the back with hope that the sticky window hadn’t been fixed. It wasn’t and Evan slipped into the house. Making his way up to what had been his room, Evan ignored the photos on the wall not wanting to reminisce or see that his mother had taken all of the ones with him down. 

“Shrine much?” His room looked just like it used to before he had trashed it looking for drug money. He made his way over to his mirror to check the damage before freezing in place. This couldn’t be him. All his tattoos and track marks were gone, his skin wasn’t pale nor was he rail thin. He looked so young. He raised a hand and watched himself poke himself in the face. Seeing the reflection of his laptop behind him, he threw himself onto the bed and unlocked it. “What the fuck.” He repeated as he pulled up google and shakily typed in: “What’s the date today?” July 17th 2016. “Not possible.” He shook his head then opened bing to discover the same answer. 

He jumped as he heard the front door open. He grabbed a shirt before thundering down the stairs to see his mother looking so young. 

“Oh my god Evan what happened?” Hiedi’s voice raised in volume as she saw her son. 

“Broke my arm.” He narrowed his eyes, still not sure that this wasn’t a trick. 

“Where?” He could hear worry fill her voice where it hadn’t in years and see took a step closer to get a better look at her son’s arm. 

“Work.” He hugged himself, he hated when people stared at him. 

“Why didn’t you call?” She fretted, cupping his face with her head to see if there were anymore injuries. 

“Phone broke.” He pulled out the smashed phone to show her. 

“Who took you to the hospital?” She asked stepping away but keeping her eyes trained on her son. 

“Connor Murphy.” This was the ultimate test and it wasn’t a lie. Evan had a vague recollection of Connor helping him walk to the hospital but was it real?

“Well I need to thank him.” Hiedi wrung her hands together. Evan was acting off but maybe it was just the shock of his arm. Oh god her poor baby had broken his arm. “We should make brownies for him.” It would let her keep an eye on him tonight. 

“Sure.” Evan shrugged as breath caught in his throat as his mom didn’t react to Connor’s name. She had screamed at him last time. If he really was in the past then he needed to see Connor alive and Evan would keep it that way. It had to be the reason why he was back. He wouldn’t let things go the same way again. He was going to save him. 

It took them way too long to complete the brownies but it was nice. Evan hadn’t had a civil conversation with his mother in years at this point. She had given up on him like everyone else, not that he could blame her. Trashing the house before hightailing it out to get high and only calling when he needed her to bail him out of jail or get him off some drug charges. Her law degree that she had worked so hard for used to help her junkie son. 

“We’ll go tomorrow.” Hiedi said, hugging her son out his bedroom door. “I love you.”  Evan really hoped that she couldn’t feel him tense up during the hug. He wasn’t used to touching anymore, he barely tolerated it. He hated skin on skin contact. The only one who had ever touched him with care anymore was Ethel and he barely let her do it but if he really was in the past then he would have to get used to it. 

After leaving the boy at the hospital, Connor still didn’t want to go home. Didn’t want to play happy family where Larry would inevitably find something wrong with him. Connor was never good enough so why even try? Zoe was perfect and he was a waste of space. Connor finally stomped into his house at around 8pm. 

“Conner, is that you honey?” His mother asked from the kitchen. 

“Yeah.” He toed off his shoes in the doorway. 

“Where were you?” Larry’s voice echoed in from the living room.

“Out.” Connor narrowed his eyes at the question. 

“Where, Connor.” He could hear the temper rising in Larry’s voice but that just made Connor not want to answer even more. 

“Out, you told me to get out so I did.” He said through his teeth, trying so very hard not to yell, not to lose his cool. 

“Probably buying more drugs.” The quiet voice of Zoe barely reaching him in the doorway like she was just saying it for Larry to hear. To get him in trouble. 

“I wasn’t buying drugs.” Connor knew his voice was raising in volume but the patience he had with his family mere seconds ago was already fading. Why was he never allowed to just be? Zoe was able to go without telling anyone where she had been but the second he does it, it’s just the worst thing in the world. It was never fair. 

“Connor, sweetie, are you hungry?” His mom asked, trying to break up the tension in the house. 

“No.” The truth was that he was hungry but he would rather starve than stay downstairs with his family any longer. So he stomped up the stairs wishing that Larry hadn’t taken his door so he could slam it shut. You try to off yourself one time and now he gets no privacy. Throwing his phone onto his bed, Connor flopped face down hoping for everyone else to just ignore him for the rest of the night. 

Chapter Text

Evan couldn’t remember the last time he had such a good sleep, where he slept in an actual bed. He had been sleeping on Ethel’s couch for the past year which was just on the wrong side of comfortable. Good enough to sleep on but uncomfortable enough to contemplate your life choices. He was pretty sure that was the purpose as well. Make you want to get a job and get your own place. The worst part of his sleep was his mother knocking on his door to wake him up way too early. 

“Wake up sweetie, I have a shift tonight so we need to deliver the brownies.” Which caused Evan to scramble out of bed. He was possibly seeing Connor today but the smile left his face at the thought of seeing the other Murphys. 

“Coming.” He called, opening his closet before frowning at the clothes there. He knew that the clothes were bought to look as nondescript as possible but had he really used to to wear a polo and khakis everyday? Rummaging to the back to find some jeans and probably a shirt Jared had left, Evan quickly pulled them on. This was closer to his style, not that he really had one. He didn’t have enough clothes, the same 3 pairs of jeans and 5 worn out t-shirts did not give one a sense of style. 

“You look nice.” Heidi commented trying not to spook her son, he never wore something like this, she wasn’t even sure that that was his shirt. There was something up with her son and she was going to be so supportive that he would come to her about it. 

“Easier to get over my cast.” He shrugged, crossing his arms over his stomach. 

“Do you know where he lives?”

“Yeah.” Evan nodded as he toed on his shoes as Heidi put the brownies onto a plate and covered it with cellophane. 

The car ride to the Murphys was simultaneously too long and too short. Either the delusion he could be having would break and Connor really was dead or by some miracle he really was in the past. Evan stood behind his mother as she rung the Murphy’s doorbell and tried desperately not to turn tail and run.  Soon enough the door was answered by Cynthia Murphy, her strawberry blonde hair pulled back. 

“Hello.” Heidi smiled at the other woman. “I’m Heidi Hansen, are you Connor’s mom?”

“What did he do?” Though Cynthia kept the friendly smile on her face it still flickered for a moment at the thought of Connor doing something to someone else’s son. 

“I just wanted to thank him for helping my son yesterday.”

“Connor helped your son?” And Evan couldn’t stand the disbelief in her voice at the thought that Connor would help someone. 

“He took me to the hospital.” Evan waved his casted arm before once again crossing his arms over his stomach and curling in on himself. 

“Please come in.” Cynthia ushered them inside and into the living room before going over to the stairs to yell up it; “Connor!”

“What?” And the breath caught in Evan’s throat as he once again heard the voice that had been haunting him for the past 15 years. 

“Can you come down please.” Evan kept his eyes on the floor as he heard movement on the stairs. Was he really ready to do this? Could he look Connor in their eyes?

“What?” Connor asked again once he got to the bottom of the stairs, his eyes darting between the two adults in the room. 

“I just wanted to thank you for helping Evan yesterday.” Heidi grinned at the young man that had come into the room. 

“Right.” Connor looked at who he now knew was Evan. The boy was curled in on himself, eyes firmly planted on the carpet. 

“I’m just so happy that Evan had someone around.” Heidi continued on thrusting the plate of brownies into his hands. “I’ve just been so worried about Evan having no friends.” Connor watched as Evan cringed and slowly raised his eyes to meet Connor’s. He was immediately struck with how pretty his blue eyes were. 

“You didn’t tell me you had a friend, sweetie.” Cynthia said happiness filling her voice. 

“Why would I tell you?” Connor tore his eyes away from Evan to glare at his mom. Was it so unbelievable that he could have friends?

“Actually.” Evan started to speak. 

“We are friends.” Connor cut the other off. 

“Wonderful.” Cynthia grinned. “Why don’t you and Evan hang out here today. If that’s okay?” She looked over at Heidi, seeing mirrored happiness in the other’s eyes. 

“I think that sounds wonderful as well.” Heidi turned to look at Evan. “I”ll see you tonight honey. It was nice meeting you Mrs Murphy, Connor.” 

“Let me walk you out.” And Connor and Evan were left alone. 

“Hi.” Evan whispered his eyes still on Connor’s face. “I can go if you want.” The voice of Connor saying; “I would have hated you.” echoing in his head. 

“I don’t think my mom would let you.” An awkward silence fell over the duo. Evan didn’t want to open his mouth and say something weird or insane and Connor didn’t want to freak out the already stressed looking boy. “Let’s just hang out in my room.” He jerked his head to signal the other to follow him out the stairs. 

Evan followed Connor and tried to make himself as small as possible as he walked through the familiar house. He really shouldn’t be here. He stopped in the doorway of Connor’s room and looked around at the familiar walls. He could feel his breathing start to pick up as he fought back a panic attack. 

“You can come in, you know.” Connor said, setting the brownies on his desk before taking one off the plate. 

“Sorry.” Evan apologized before stepping over the threshold of the room and turning his head to take everything in. 

“You owe me a joint, by the way.” Connor grinned as he took a bite of the brownie and flopped onto his bed. 

“I uh quit.” Evan stood stock still in the doorway not sure where the other would want him to be. 

“Yeah could really tell that.” Connor rolled his eyes before patting the bed next to him. “Stop looming around, you’ll give a guy a complex.” 

“It’s true.” Evan said, inching towards the bed. “I’m staying clean this time.” He sat down before wrapping his good arm around his knees to make himself as small as possible. 

“This time?” Connor was surprised to hear that, there was no way this guy did any drugs. He was slowly starting to recognize him once he learned Evan’s name. He was that quiet kid that hung around that asshole Kleinman. 

“Uh yeah, I uh..” Evan wasn’t sure how to explain it. Keeping it a secret wouldn’t be worth it, even if he was in the past that didn’t stop the fact that he would probably get cravings even if this body hadn’t yet done them. Though that was interesting to think about, his brain chemistry hadn’t yet been altered by all the drugs so would he have cravings or maybe it would just all be psychosomatic because he remembered doing them. Would it be cheating to get clean because he technically wasn’t addicted yet? “I have a problem with opiates. It's why I can’t take any pain meds, which actually kind of sucks right now.”

“How’d you break your arm anyways?” Connor asked as he finished off the brownie. He was learning so much about what he had thought was a quiet kid who had never done anything bad. 

“Was in a tree and then I wasn’t.” Evan wasn’t ready to confess that he had tried to kill himself twice now. He knew Connor would understand but he just wanted to not be that fucked up guy who failed at suicide twice. He wanted to be Connor’s friend and he was scared that if he confessed then Connor wouldn’t want anything to do with him. 

“That is just, the saddest fucking thing, I have ever heard. Oh my god.” Connor let out a small laugh. Evan gave him a tiny smile, resting his head on his knees and remembering this conversation from the first time. There was no note this time so hopefully it went better. There was nothing for Connor to freak out about. 

“Do you, uh, wanna sign it?” He offered his arm gingerly to the other. He hadn’t been lying when he said it sucked that he couldn’t take any pain meds. 

“Yeah let me grab a sharpie.” Connor stood up and walked over his desk before rummaging in the first drawer to find one. Once he had located the sharpie, he went back to Evan and started to write his name on the cast. “Shit I did not mean for it to be that big.” His name nearly took up one whole side of the cast. 

“Wanna add your last name to the other side, really make sure it’s all filled in?” Evan asked, grinning down at the signature and turning his arm to show the empty side. His cast hadn’t looked right without it. 

“I..uh.. What if someone else wants to sign it?” Connor could feel his face heating up as said those words. 

“I don’t really have anyone who will.” Evan shrugged not that he really wanted anyone else to sign it anyways. 

“What about that asshole, Kleinman.” Connor asked. “He’s your friend right?”

“Family friend, it’s different according to him.” Evan could feel the hurt coming back when he thought about Jared. He thought he was over this but he guess being back here brought back all his feelings about it as well. His inadequacies. “He only hangs out with me so that his mom pays his car insurance.” 

“Then why do you hang out with him?” Connor fidgeted with the sharpie in his hands.

“I guess family friends is better than no friends.” Evan shrugged.

“We could be friends.” Connor took a big breath and held it in as he stared at the other. Was it really so unbelievable that he could have friends?

“Sure.” Evan gasped out shocked at what the other had said. There was no way Connor actually wanted to be his friend, the guy who had driven him to suicide. “I’d like that.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.” They both fell into a slightly awkward silence as neither of them knew what to say. Had it really been so long for both of them since they had had a friend?

Chapter Text

They both jumped as they heard the front door slam from downstairs. “I’m home.” Zoe Murphy called as she stepped into the house. It was quiet with just the sound of her mother in the kitchen. Connor wasn’t blasting his music so he most likely wasn’t home which Zoe was more than okay with. Adjusting her shopping bags, she trudged up the stairs to her room not sparing a glance at Connor’s doorless room. If she had, she would have noticed that there were two people in there instead of the usual one and that Connor was talking to someone without yelling. 

“You know my mom’s going to ask you to stay for dinner.” Connor said as he ate another brownie. He hadn’t had sweets at home since Cynthia started her gluten-free vegan diet that they all needed to follow. 

“Don’t worry, I’m good at getting out of stuff.” Evan took the last bit of brownie from Connor’s hand and popped it into his mouth before laughing at Connor’s expression. 

Connor couldn’t help but gape at the other. People just didn’t grab things from him, they were just too scared to get close to him. Not that he could blame them, he was liable to fly off the handle without a moment’s notice. No one ever touched Connor. “Am I going to have to keep a list of things you grab?” He asked, trying desperately to cover up any hope that he would actually have to. That Evan would stick around. 

“Probably.” Evan shrugged, “Things taste better when they’re not yours.” He relaxes and let his legs hang off the side of the bed. Actually everything had tasted great since he had been back, he hadn’t been this hungry in years. If Evan was actually ready to face the rest of the Murphys he would stay for dinner. He could feel his face heat up as Connor grinned at his answer and let out a small laugh. No one had smiled at Evan in happiness in a long time. 

They fell back into a conversation with Evan only stuttering a few times. He wouldn’t lie but he was excellent at dodging topics. They had both lost track of time and oh the small fraction of the real Connor that Evan just met was infinitely better than the full fake one he had created. Evan opened his mouth to ask Connor a question but jumped when the front door slammed and watched as Connor stiffened before slightly curling in on himself. Larry Murphy was home.  “Do you want me to stay for dinner?”  Evan offered, he didn’t like what had just happened to Connor and Evan would do anything to make sure that the other wasn’t hurt and if that included protecting him from his family. Well it would be easy to take all the attention. Even if he wasn’t ready, Connor was more important. 

“No.” Connor shook his head. He wanted to keep Evan as far away as possible from Larry. Evan wouldn’t want to hang around once he realized how fucked up the Murphy family is. 

“Alright.” Evan grabbed the sharpie that had been abandoned on the bed before he leaned over Connor to grab the post it notes on the bed side table. He quickly wrote down his address and pressed the note to Connor’s chest. “My mom works all day tomorrow, come over.” 

“Zoe, Connor. Dinner!” Cynthia’s voice echoed up the stairs but Evan’s gaze didn’t leave Connor’s. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the other not until he got an answer. 

“Yeah.” Connor mumbled, turning his head to look at anything else, his face turning red. 

“Good.” Evan grinned before getting off the bed to go over to the stairs. Connor slowly followed him. 

“Ah Evan.” Cynthia grinned at the two boys coming down the stairs. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

“I would.” Evan darted his eyes over to Connor. “But I really don’t want to. See you tomorrow.” He waved behind him as he sped walked to the door.

 And Connor just lost it, laughing harder than he had in years. “Yeah.” He braced himself against the wall at the look on his mom’s face. “Tomorrow.” 

“What’s wrong with him?” Zoe asked, coming down the stairs behind Connor. “Are you high?”

“No.” Connor bit out all the humor leaving his body. This was why he didn’t want Evan staying for dinner. 

“Is Connor high?” Larry asked from the dining room. 

“No.” Connor could feel his anger rise as red filled his vision. “I’m not high.”

“Then why were you laughing?” Zoe asked. 

“None of your business”

“He’s high.” Zoe called back to Larry answering the question. 

“Fuck you.” Connor spat pushing harshly past Zoe, a small grin on his face as he heard her nearly fall, and back up the stairs.  He slammed the door to the bathroom before going over and grabbing the razor he had taped to the back of the toilet tank. He shed his jacket before shucking off all the bracelets he wore. The sting of the first cut was calming and Connor could feel his anger starting to fade as he let the razor drag across his wrist once again. It probably shouldn’t be but Connor didn’t have any other way that seemed to work. Once he was angry it was so hard to focus and the sting of the razor against his skin was a stark reminder that he existed beyond the red in his vision. A few more cuts and Connor felt calm once more. 

After everything was cleaned and returned to its proper place, Connor sat on his bed and just stared at the wall. Today had been a good day until then. He never thought Evan Hansen would be interesting or interested in being friends with him. 

“Sweetie.” He felt someone sit next to him on the bed. He had no idea how long he had been sitting and staring at the wall. He didn’t answer. 

“Connor.” Cynthia Murphy repeated looking at her son’s vacant expression. “There’s a plate of food in the fridge for you.” It seemed like nothing she did ever seemed to help and she had been so happy today when she learned about Connor’s friend. She hadn’t seen Connor laugh in years and she had been so sad when the spell seemed to have been broken so easily. “I love you.” She whispered as Connor ignored her and continued to stare at the wall. Cynthia sat for another five minutes hoping to talk to her son but if she hadn’t heard his breathing she would have thought he was dead. “Good night.” She stood up and flicked the lights off. 

Chapter Text

Evan woke up with a groan and his phone beeping. Turns out it wasn’t broken, just smashed to hell. Ugh he felt awful but Connor was coming today and Evan wasn’t missing that. He gingerly pushed himself out of his bed and blindly grabbed clothes. Checking himself in the mirror, he winced at how bad he looked; skin ashen and a pained grimace on his face. Fuck, Connor would not want to hangout with him. Evan could feel the bile rise in his throat and he rushed into the bathroom just in time to vomit in the toilet. He rested his head against the cool porcelain and he sank to the floor and tried not to gag again. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Damn it, he couldn’t concentrate with his hands shaking so much. 

This was just like his last withdrawal and fuck fuck fuck the Ativan that he had been prescribed. He hadn’t taken any since coming back. Sure his first overdose had been on his ativan, never stopped lying that it was working, but that had been freshman year in college. He didn’t realize that he was already dependent on it. 

Hearing the doorbell ring, Evan pushed himself up and slowly made his way towards the door. “Hi Connor.” He grinned though it was probably more of a grimace. God he was so sweaty and Connor was staring at him and he was so sweaty. He must think Evan was so gross. 

“You okay?” Connor asked though he could clearly see he wasn’t. 

“Will be.” Evan said before putting both hands on Connor’s waist and moving him to the side so he could barf in the bushes. “Sorry.” 

“Uhh.” Connor felt his skin start to heat up as Evan touched him once more. 

“Sorry withdrawal.” Evan wiped his mouth before backing up to let Connor inside. “Might not be the best company, but I do want to hang out.” His eyes darted around and he tried not to react as he saw smoke coming from the couch. No no no no, this could not be happening, Connor was alive. 

“I’m never good company.” Connor shrugged, stepping into the house. It was nice, small but homey unlike his which felt so fake just like how Cynthia and Larry wanted to play happy fucking family. 

“Doesn’t sound right.” Evan grinned at the other and bounced on his toes. It had been so long since he had hung out with someone his age. What should they do? “Wanna watch tv?”

“Okay.” Connor nodded just as unsure. He was never invited to anyone’s house. No one wanted him around. 

Evan sat on the couch giving a wide berth to the Connor already on it. Connor didn’t care his thigh phasing through the other’s and that was a trip. If Evan wasn’t currently going through withdrawal he would think he was high. 

Evan looked at the remote then Connor. “I honestly have no idea what’s on tv.” What shows were on 15 years ago or well now?

“Me either.” Connor grabbed the remote and started flicking through the pitiful amount of channels, Evan forgot they didn’t have cable. They landed on some soap opera and sat in silence. Neither of them knowing how to start a conversation or if they did what to talk about. Evan could feel his shaking get worse as the smoke next to him continued to fill his vision. He couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t need the other to be here today. 

“Can you stop?” He growled out before realizing what he said. “Shit sorry sorry not you.” He felt a pang of regret as he watched hurt fill Connor’s expression. He had hurt the other and he hated it. The grin on his Connor’s face like a vice grip crushing his heart. 

“Already fucking this up.” He laughed moving to sit on top of the tv. “God Evan you suck.” 

“Ativan withdrawal makes me so annoyed.” Evan turned to fully look at Connor. “Like so annoyed that even my own breathing can set me off, which it did.” Well technically it was Connor but he was in his head so technically he did set himself off. 

“Your breathing.” Connor asked, feeling himself relax as Evan said it wasn’t his fault. It usually was. 

“Yeah just get into my head that it sounds weird and it spiral s from there.” Evan explained and hoped that that had made sense. 

“So where’d you get the Ativan?” There was no way Evan had a dealer, they would instantly think he was a narc. 

“My therapist, they’re supposed to help me with my anxiety but don’t exactly work.” Evan was sure it was obvious that his anxiety was never under control. 

“And your therapist lets you keep taking it?” Connor turned to fully look at the other. 

“Haven’t exactly told him.” Evan confessed and he wasn’t looking forward to going back to therapy. Dr Sherman was never a good fit for him, not that he ever told anyone.

 And Connor understood, he wouldn’t give up free drugs either. Honestly he hadn’t really believed the other yesterday when he said he was a drug addict but this was very convincing. 

“Oh what’s your phone number?” Evan asked. “I have work tomorrow and we could like text or something.” He knew he was probably being clingy but what if Connor wasn’t there tomorrow. Connor hadn’t left a note last time and if he didn’t have Evan’s would anyone let him know or would he be left in the dark just wondering what had happened. Everyone moving forward while Evan was left behind waiting for answers. He could hear his breath starting to speed up as his brain started to overanalyze everything. Why would they even tell Evan? He was nothing. Not Connor’s friend, not anyone’s friend. Why would anyone want to be his friend? He was a mess, a junkie, a liar. Connor didn’t deserve someone like him as a friend. “Connor.” He gasped out as someone tangled their hand with his. 

“Evan, can you follow my breathing?” Connor wasn’t sure what had caused Evan to panic but he always wanted someone to help with his own panic attacks so maybe he could be that for Evan. “In for seven.” He counted. “And out for four.” Connor continued until he felt Evan’s breathing start to slow down and get under control/ 

“Sorry.” Evan apologized after he had fully calmed down. “Didn’t mean to ruin things.” Fuck, now Connor would really thing he was insane. 

“You didn’t” Connor said, leaning back. “So where do you work?” He tried to change the subject, he never wanted to talk about his panic attacks and he doubted that Evan did either. 

“Ellison State Park. I really like….um…tres.” Evan blushed, still feeling that his likes were a little weird. He had been an environmental science major before he had flunked out of college. 

“Trees?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah, they're easier than people.” It had been easier to hyperfixate on trees than try to speak to people. But Evan had discovered that he actually really liked trees. “Not that you’re hard or, oh god, that sounds so bad. “ 

“I get it.” Connor gave the other a small smile. 

“ Do you wanna order food?” Evan asked his face aflame as he tried to change the subject before he could embarrass himself again. 

“Sure, anything so I don’t have to eat at home.” Connor had finally dragged himself out of his room and downstairs at around 2am. The gluten-free vegan burger had been horrible and he could barely choke it down but he had been starving and as much as he didn’t act like it but he never wanted to disappoint his mom. It was just when he tried to express it, it all came out wrong. 

“Cool, pizza or, I will literally eat anything so.” Evan offered, after everything he had been through, he never had the chance to be picky anymore and would eat anything when he was actually hungry. It was so much to just drown the feeling in the coke instead of worrying where he would get the money for his next meal instead of his next fix. 

“Pizzas good, do you want me to call?” Connor offered. 

“Yes please.” Evan could not make a phone call right now plus he had to think of topics to talk about. Maybe the first part of this day had sucked but he could turn it around. He could be Connor’s friend.

Chapter Text

“So you know I like trees but what do you like?” Evan asked Connor after he had ordered the pizza. 

“Drugs.” Connor grinned, his usual answer coming out easily. No one cared if it was a lie or the truth. No one stuck around long enough to know the truth. 

“Me too.” Evan rolled his eyes. “But really what do you like? Can’t be more embarrassing than me.” Fake Connor only had a vague sense of interests and Evan was desperate for the truth. The tremor in his hands intensified with want. He quickly sat on them. 

“Art.” Connor admitted and braced himself for the usual laughter or the usual brush off. 

“Favorite medium?” Evan’s breath caught as happiness filled Connor’s eyes. They were really so expressive. “That’s the right word, right?”

“Colored pencils.” Connor picked at the frayed knees of his jeans. Drawing helped calm down, having to hold the pencils without snapping them and the rhythmic scratch against the paper was enough to get him out of his head. Though it didn’t always work, his wrists proof of that. 

“I couldn’t draw a picture to save my life.” Evan offered. “Stick figures only.”

“Stick figures are…”

“Lame, you don’t have to spare my feelings.” Evan had a possibly bad idea but he needed any excuse to keep Connor around. “Maybe you could teach me?” He kept his eyes downward afraid of what he would see if he looked up. That Connor would laugh, that he wouldn’t help a loser like him. 

Connor picked at his jeans harder as he waited for the other shoe to drop. For Evan to laugh and kick him out, why would he want Connor to teach him? “I’m not sure I’d be a good teacher.” Connor said, giving the other a chance to back out. 

“And I don’t think my hands haven’t shook in years.” They weren’t the full tremors he had before or in the future but anxiety was hell on staying still. “But I’d still like to learn.”

“Sure.” Connor shrugged. “Maybe you could teach me about trees?” This is what friends do, right? They share interests. 

“Sounds good.” They grinned at each other, only jumping apart when the doorbell rang. 

Evan grabbed a slice of pizza and scratched at his arm. He was still a little nauseous but not eating wasn’t worth it. He’d get a migraine otherwise.  “You never answered my question, can I have your number? The panic attack had distracted them. He pulled out his phone and pushed it towards the other. “Friends text, right?” He honestly had no idea. 

“I guess.” Connor pulled out his own to give Evan, who greedily grabbed it and put in his number before labeling his contact: Evan 💉 🌲 (Syringe Emoji, Evergreen Emoji). 

“Seriously, my job is boring.” He really loved it. “Text me anytime.” But nothing was more important than Connor. They went back to idly watching the tv still playing some soap opera. 

“Do you know what’s going on?” Connor asked idly as the actress on screen slapped a man before storming off. Maybe it could be compelling if he had seen the show before. 

“No idea.” Evan leaned back and tried to fight off the urge to vomit again. “Fuck, am I not the poster child for why you shouldn’t do drugs.” He groaned and pushed himself up and staggered towards the bathroom. “Sorry for ruining today.” He called out before vomiting once more. 

“Wow Evan, you know I’m probably leaving right now. Couldn’t keep it together for one day.” Connor stooped down next to him before blowing some smoke over his face. “You’re ruining this friendship.” Evan closed his eyes knowing it was true. 

Connor bit his lip as he watched Evan stagger to the bathroom and begin retching. He remembered his last overdose and the withdrawal but he had been in the hospital and even then it was horrible and Evan was here all alone. No he was here and he would be here. He chewed his lip before taking a deep breath and standing up. He didn’t want the first people who wanted to be his friend to be alone. While his family knew his issues, he doubted that Evan’s did. He wouldn’t be prescribed ativan if they did. 

He stepped into the unfamiliar kitchen and looked through some cabinets before finding some saltines. “Evan.” He knocked on the bathroom door. “Can I come in?” He heard Evan let out an affirmative groan so he slowly pushed the door open and took in the sight of Evan slumped over the toilet. “I..um…have crackers.” How did you take care of a sick person?

“Thanks,” Evan could feel the tears well in his eyes. No one ever wanted to take care of him. “You didn’t have to stay, I know this sucks.”

“It does but you’re not the only one with drug problems.” Connor sat on the floor and opened the box of crackers. He handed one to Evan before popping one into his own mouth. Connor didn’t know why he stayed or more accurately didn’t want to admit it. Admit that he was so lonely. Admit that just wanted one friend that actually liked him. That understood. He handed Evan another cracker before taking one for himself. He raised it to his mouth before letting out a small squawk as it was taking out of his hands. He narrowed his eyes and watched Evan grinned before eating his, his! cracker. “One saltine cracker.” 

“What?” Evan asked.

“Adding it to the list of things you owe me.”

“I mean technically my house, my crackers.” Evan joked, moving to sit next to Connor leaning his back against the tub. 

“Doesn’t work like that.” Connor said with a small smile. 

“I think it does.” Evan shrugged. 

“Nope.”

“Mmm pretty sure it does.” Evan laughed, nudging the other’s shoulder with his own. 

“Really doesn’t.” But Connor couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Fine, one saltine cracker.” Evan dug his good hand into the box and pulled one out. “Here.” He offered it to Connor and froze when the other ate it from his hand. He felt the other stiffened as Connor realized what he did. Evan felt his face heat up as he averted his and bunched his hands into his shirt, not realizing that Connor was mirroring his actions. 

“Thanks for staying.” Evan fidgeted with his shirt. 

“You’re welcome.” Connor said quietly. They sat in silence for a long while until Connor dug into the box and offered a cracker to Evan.

Chapter Text

Evan was not looking forward to walking the six miles to work today but his mom had been working even more during the summer so that she could pay for her night classes and have a little extra for just in case. Honestly it was probably lucky that she was a nurse and her insurance was really good for hospital visits otherwise Evan’s attempt probably could have bankrupted them, which first time around Evan thought about constantly. Now it wasn’t as big of a deal that it used to be. But walking because he had left his car when he had thought that he was in hell. The car that ended up breaking down right before senior year that he couldn’t afford to repair. 

So Evan woke up extra early, wincing at the twinge of pain in his arm and got dressed for work. He left a note for his mom, before making sure he had his phone, keys, and wallet. Evan didn’t really mind walking places as his anxiety was killer for driving too much and then he didn’t have a car so he could only really walk. Well he could ride the bus but he hated that, hated the people that could be judging him. Hated that they would make sure they put their bag next to them just so he couldn’t sit there. 

It took him about 2 hours to get to work and he went to the main ranger station to see his boss. It was going to be awkward to talk about his arm since this time he hadn’t gone to his boss to get him to drive him to the hospital. “Hi.” He gave his boss a small smile and knew the next conversation was going to be extremely awkward, it was. However since he had a broken arm, he had been assigned garbage cleanup on the paths for the day which he was fine with. It meant that it was unlikely he would be bothered and if Connor texted then he could answer.  

He grabbed the garbage picker and some bags and headed up, checking his phone as he walked. No text from Connor. Though why would Connor text him, sure he said that yesterday hadn’t been ruined but that could him just him being nice with Evan being there and once he got home realizing the whole day was horrible and Evan was a bad person to be friends with. He had to stop thinking about it though, Evan really didn’t want to have a panic attack at work, especially one in public. 

Connor woke up at noon feeling happy for once. He had avoided seeing Larry last night after leaving Evan’s and it had been a good day at Evan’s. Sure it had sucked that the other had been so sick but it had been a good day. He hadn’t been invited to anyone’s house in years not since his anger issues had become a problem. He never knew when he was going to fly off the handle. Sure, Larry and his family pushed his buttons but sometimes there was no reason, he was just angry like he had to explode and his whole body was a live wire. 

It didn’t help that Connor knew there was something wrong with him but Larry refused to believe it. That everything he did was to act out, not that sometimes he just couldn’t help but scream or yell or want to tear something to shreds. Or that sometimes that tiny little voice in his head told him that it would be easier for everyone if he was just gone. At least Larry was working today so there was a good chance that Connor didn’t have to see him. 

He slowly got dressed for the day before checking his phone, no texts. Evan hadn’t texted despite asking for his number and obviously there was no way Connor could text him first. That was a no go, he didn’t want to bother him and even though Evan said his job was boring, Connor wasn’t going to get him in trouble.  However Connor couldn’t help but check his phone like every 10 minutes hoping there would be a text even deciding to draw couldn’t stop him. Sure now it was only maybe every 20 minutes but finally he couldn’t take it anymore. 

Flopping back down onto his bed, Connor pulled up the message app; Hi, he shakily typed out before dropping the phone next to him and covering his face up with his hands. His phone buzzed 30 seconds later. Scrambling to grab his phone, Connor thumbed open the message; 

Evan: 

Hey

Shit, what did Connor say back, he had never texted anyone but his dealer and that wasn’t for friendly conversation. His phone vibrated again

Evan : 

What’s up?

Connor:  

Hows work?

Evan: 

I’m picking up trash so…

And Connor had no idea what to text back. God this was so awkward.

Connor: 

So the best?

Evan:  

Kinda 

What are you doing?

Connor: 

Nothing

“Connor?” Cynthia Murphy called up the stairs as she walked up to the second floor of the house. She knocked on the doorway before sticking her head in and smiling at her son. “I’m going grocery shopping. It’d be nice if you came.” She ran her eyes around the room before taking in what the other was doing, which was to her nothing. 

“Okay.” Connor sat up on the bed, at least if Larry started asking if he went outside today he could say yes and since it was with Cynthia it couldn’t be that he went out to get high. 

“Be ready in 10.” Cynthia tried to hide her surprise at Connor saying yes, he never wanted to go anywhere with the family. She quickly rushed off to get ready not wanting to give Connor time to change his mind. It would be a good shopping trip, she was going to see to it. 

The ride of the grocery store was quiet and Cynthia didn’t want to break the peace. It was like walking on eggshells around Connor, she never knew what would set the sullen teen off and she didn’t want to set him off right now. “So I know Evan couldn’t stay for dinner the other day but your father and I would really like it if he came before school started again.” She glanced at Connor from the corner of her eye, he was on his phone. 

“Fine.” Connor rolled his eyes as he texted back and forth with Evan. It was still slightly awkward but he liked talking with the other. He never thought that Evan would be as interesting as he was, sure liking trees was kind of lame but Connor had no right to complain, he was pretty boring himself. 

“Are you texting him now? Ask when he’s free.” Cynthia said as they pulled into the grocery parking lot. “And ask if he’d like anything specific.”

“Ugh.” Connor groaned but did what was asked. “He says eggplant lasagna would be good.” More that Evan said he could probably eat an entire pan of it and would if need be which caused Connor to try to stifle his laughter from his mom. 

“That sounds lovely.” Cynthia smiled to herself, she was totally nailing this mom thing. 

Connor would never admit it but it was actually kind of nice shopping with his mom. They never really got to do things together without there being either an ulterior motive or Connor being angry. Connor’s anger ruined a lot of things and he knew it, he just couldn’t help it. 

Evan honestly didn’t mind picking up trash and texting with Connor made his day even better. Even though they were both awkward and Evan knew that he was worse, he just didn’t know what to say to not appear as desperate and weird the other out. He also really didn’t want to go to dinner at the Murphy’s but he would since Connor had asked. He was just worried that they would be able to look at him and just know what a liar he was and not let Connor hang out with him again. 

“Hi sweetie.” Heidi greeted her son as he came into the house. “I made dinner.” She hadn’t seen her son lately and she knew it was mostly her fault, having to pick up so many extra shifts meant that she had close to no free time. 

“Sounds good.” Evan said coming into the kitchen. This was probably going to be more awkward than texting with Connor. He just didn’t know how to talk to his mother anymore. She had given up on him a long time ago, not that he really gave her any hope. The last time he had seen her in person, she had been arguing down his possession with intent to deal charge to just  possession because why sell when you could use? Sure he had kept the facebook page so she could see that he was still alive but that had been the only contact he had had with Heidi. 

“Don’t forget you have your appointment with Dr. Sherman tomorrow.” Heidi reminded as she plated the spaghetti and set one down in front of Evan. “You’ve been doing your letter right?” And Evan could feel his breath start to speed up as the letters were mentioned. He was never going to write another Dear Evan Hansen letter again in his life if he could.

“No.” He shook his head and started to pick at his cuticles to distract himself from having another panic attack. 

“Evan.” Heidi cried. “They’re going to help you, you just have to try.” 

“They don’t. It's just…” He cut off, unable to verbalize how much damage those letters have done. How they ruined more than just his life. How could he write another one when he knew the damage that they could do. 

“Okay sweetie, why don’t we write one together.” She walked around the table to embrace Evana and rub her hand soothingly over his back. “Come on, it’ll be easy. I’ll start. Dear Evan Hansen, Today’s going to be a good day because…” She paused to let Evan finish her sentence. 

“I got to text with Connor.” He mumbled not wanting to disappoint his mom or get into an argument with her. He really didn’t want to be grounded as he finally had someone that he wanted to get out of the house for. “And he invited me over for dinner.”

“That’s wonderful.” Heidi smiled at Evan. She was so happy that her son finally had made another friend, since Jared had camp this summer she had been so worried that he would be alone the entire time. “I’m so happy for you Evan.”

“Me too.” He smiled softly looking down at his phone.

Chapter Text

Evan really didn’t want to have to go to therapy today and it wasn’t just because he didn’t think it would work. He knew therapy could work just not with Dr. Sherman. The first time around it had been because as much as Dr. Sherman said it was confidential he couldn’t help but worry the worry the other would tell his mom. Dr. Sherman worked at the same hospital that his mother did as an emergency therapist and he could never shake the feeling that if he told him something too personal it would somehow make it back to his mom. 

Of course after the Connor Project, he was too fucked up to really care about therapy with Dr. Sherman or anyone else and he really didn’t want to get better. He had seen the damage him trying to better had caused. Why did he deserve to get better when Connor couldn’t. Now though, Connor could get better but Evan had no idea what he could even say in therapy. He would be committed to a psych ward if he explained that he had time traveled back into the past. 

He would lie, he couldn’t go back to lying. He was an expert at dodging conversations but if Dr. Sherman pushed he had no idea what he was going to do. This was going to be a disaster, he would skip it if he could but that would just make the next session even worse and he knew that his mom would not just let him stop therapy. Plus he more than likely actually needed therapy just not this therapy. 

After work, he drove slowly to Dr. Sherman’s office, wanting to put it off as long as he could. Though he knew Dr. Sherman would think something was off if he was too late, he had always been 15 minutes early before too anxious to be late.  “Hello Evan.” The receptionist greeted him with a smile. “You’re just on time, you can just go back.” Evan took a deep breath before walking down the familiar hallway, he really couldn’t believe he was back here. He knocked on Dr. Sherman’s door and bounced once his feet as he waited. Well here goes nothing. 

“Come in.” Evan shuffled through the door and closed it behind him. He sat on the small loveseat that he used to and kept his eyes on his hands. He knew he needed to look at the other but he just needed a moment. “Hello, Evan. It’s nice to see you. How have you been?” Dr. Sherman asked. 

“Fine.” Evan shrugged, the less he said the better. 

“That’s good. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“Not really.” 

“Alright, then for today let’s start with what happened to your arm.” Dr. Sherman eyed the other’s cast with a name of someone that Evan had never talked about with him before. 

“I was climbing a tree.” He picked at his nails trying to figure out how to phrase it so that he wouldn’t get safety checked. “And you know what they say, what goes up must come down. I just took a more direct route. No big deal.”

“Evan, it sounds like a big deal.” Dr. Sherman said, folding his hands in his lap. 

“It really wasn’t. Just kinda sucks.”

“And why does it suck?”

“I mean I’m stuck on trash duty at work which is fine but I liked the ecology part more.” Evan felt himself frown as he talked and realized it was something that he actually missed. It had been years since he had had this job, just another thing he had messed up. 

“Sounds tough.”

“Yeah but I still really like my job.”

“That’s good. Speaking of things you like, did you bring a letter?” 

“Yeah.” He pulled out a crumbled piece of paper where he had messily scribbled what he and his mother had talked about. “Here.” He offered it to the other. 

“Can I read it?” Dr. Sherman looked at the crumbled paper, so different from Evan’s usual carefully printed notes. At Evan’s nod, the man quickly read the note. “So who is Connor?”

“A new friend.” Evan didn’t want to share with the doctor. The same doctor whose assignment had basically gotten Connor to commit suicide. 

“That’s great Evan.” Dr. Sherman smiled at the other. “What’s he like?”

“Nice he has great…” Evan racked his brain trying to pick a neutral subject to talk about. “Hair. I mean he could stand to like wash it more and like brush it. It could be like really soft if he tried.” He continued on for probably way too long before he forced himself to stop rambling. That had been way more than he planned on saying. Though most of it probably made little sense. 

“I had hoped to talk more about his personality but he sounds great.” Dr. Sherman said as he jotted down a few notes. 

“He is.” Evan relaxed slightly. He still really didn’t want to be here but he didn’t want to actively book it anymore. 

“That’s good. I think we should work on a plan for school. Do you think last year’s plan about your panic attacks is still going to work for you?” Though Dr. Sherman hoped that the other wouldn’t be having as many attacks as last year. 

“It should, I’ll bring the paperwork once school starts.” Evan could actually probably use the 504 plan again. Evan was liable to freak out again if the last week had been proof enough and he would rather not do it in class. He couldn’t believe he was going to have to repeat senior year all over again. God, he hadn’t even thought about that, he’d be repeating high school. Fuck this was a nightmare.

“Good and for our next session, I’d like for you to bring another letter.” Dr. Sherman started to explain what he would like Evan to think about for the next session, not that Evan was really listening, it was probably the same as before. “Evan, is there anything you’d like to talk about before we end today’s session?”

“I’m okay.” Evan said getting up from the loveseat. There was so much he wanted to talk about just not here.  

Taking his keys out, Evan hopped into his car and drove the usual route to Ellison State Park. He walked a familiar path before cutting off the trail to a tree or the tree to be more specific.  He looked up and took a deep breath before he hauled himself up it. He bit back a scream at the pain in his arm but he carried on with his task. He stopped at twenty free and looked out before opening his mouth. “What am I supposed to do? How am I going to save Connor?” He wrapped his arms around himself. 

“Yeah how are you going to help Connor?” A mocking voice asked from next to him.

“Connor.” Evan breathed out. 

“You really think you’re that important?”

“What?” Evan looked over seeing a curtain of brown hair covering the other’s face. 

“You’re not that important.” Connor wouldn’t even look at him. 

“Oh.” Evan looked back at the trees. “I know, I’m not important, you are.” Evan just didn’t know how he would prove that to the other. How could he make Connor realize how important he was, that his life mattered. He closed his eyes and tried to think about what he should do. His thoughts strayed back to his senior year and how alone he had felt until the Connor Project, and how alone Connor must have been. How happy he had been, all because of a lie. Though all the happiness hasn’t been a lie and it had helped him stay alive. Maybe he could make Connor happy. He just had no clue how. Their perfect day was a lie and Evan didn’t think that he could ever go back to the orchard. His happiness had come from belonging but he daunted that Connor’s would and he had no idea where to even start figuring it out. 

Picking at his khakis, Evan hated them so much, he decided that he needed to change. Maybe then he could figure out a plan. Evan dropped from the tree and walked back to his car to drive to the usual thrift shop that he shopped at. 

Evan rifled through a rack of graphic tees looking for something decent. Band he didn’t know, no, science pun, no, Eminem, Hell no, hmmm, maybe, he pulled out the shirt and set it to the side before going back to his search. Star Wars, sure he liked the movies enough. He picked out a few more shirts before looking over his haul. Some skinny jeans that might be women’s not that he cared about that. Some tee-shirts and a really nice cashmere cable knit sweater that he couldn’t believe he found. Finally he could stop wearing the khakis. 

He drove home, through everything into the machine. He wondered how long it would take his mom to notice his style change. He never really resented his mom for never being home, he understood that she was doing her best, it just never truly quieted the voice in his head that said she was trying to get away from him. That there was just something fundamentally wrong with him that he drove both parents away. 

He grabbed his phone to shoot off a text to Connor to get his mind off of things. 

Evan:

Still on Friday?

Connor:

Unfortunately 

Evan:
Good, I want my food.

Connor:  

Is this going on the list?

Evan: 

Yes, watch out.

Chapter Text

Friday came with little fanfare and both boys were stressed for the same reason: dinner with the Murphy’s. “Don’t forget we’re having a guest for dinner.” Cynthia reminded her husband and daughter in the morning before they left for the day. Connor finally had a friend to invite over, a real friend. She bustled around the kitchen smiling as she heard Connor moving around upstairs. She only had to wait a few minutes for the other to come down. 

“Mom? Is it okay if Evan comes early?” He asked and Cynthia breathed out a quick yes before turning away. Connor hadn’t called her mom in years not since he had gotten back from the Hanover inpatient facility. Whatever Evan was doing he was bringing Connor bad and Cynthia was trying very hard not to let any tears escape. 

“Evan’s here.” Connor called emerging from the living room to answer the front door. Connor grinned at his friend seeing he was back to wearing jeans. 

“Do you think your mom would appreciate wine? I hate to come empty handed.” Evan asked as he took off his shoes. “I know a place that doesn’t card.”

“Nah it’s fine but you’ve been holding out.” Connor smiled leading the other upstairs to his room. 

“When I said I’m clean, I meant everything. Full straight edge.” Evan reminded the other. 

“Sucks for you.” Connor grabbed a bottle of nail polish before flopping down onto his bed and patting the spot next to him. 

“Nah let’s me focus on what’s important.” Evan shrugged, staring at Connor’s hands as he repainted his nails. 

“And what’s important?” Connor glanced over at the other. 

Evan bit his lip to stop himself from blurting out; “you” before smirking at the other when he got a different idea. “Right now, eating all the lasagna.” 

“Don’t think I haven’t figured out your moves, Hansen.” Connor pointed a freshly painted finger at him. 

“Oh you have?” Evan asked a teasing lilt in his voice. 

“Yep, I memorized all your moves.” Connor laughed.

“Oh my young padawan, you need a lot more practice to even imitate a fraction of my power.” He itched to push the other over, like a friend. 

“A fraction?” Connor put a hand to his heart in mock hurt. 

“A fraction.” Evan nodded, lifting his hand so the other could see the small space between his thumb and pointer finger. 

“Oh it’s on.” Connor turned and faced the other, kneeling on the bed. 

“Like donkey kong.” Evan also kneeled to fully face the other. His eyes tracing over the other’s face down to Connor’s lips. Neither of them realizing that they were leaning into each other. 

“Boys.” Cynthia called up the stairs. 

Jumping back from the other, Connor felt his face heat up. “We should…uh..go eat.” He stuttered, stumbling off the bed. 

“Time to test your skill.” Evan knocked his shoulder into Connor’s as they made their way back down the stairs to the dining room.  “Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Murphy.” Evan said as he sat down at the table. 

“It’s no problem.” Cynthia said her eyes straying towards the front door, Larry and Zoe were supposed to be home by now. She was 100% positive that she had told them that they were having someone over for dinner and to be home.

“Larry running late?” Connor asked, resting his head on his hand. Honestly Connor hoped Larry wouldn’t come home, dinner would be so much easier without him but he also knew that if he didn’t show up then the argument tonight would be the worst. 

“Must be.” Cynthia said as she checked her phone. 

“I’m sure they’re almost here.” Evan fiddled with the silverware. Honestly, he hoped they weren’t coming. It would be so much easier with just Connor and Cynthia. She at least tried even though her methods were naive and and shortsighted. Connor needed help, not a vegan diet and Evan was going to try. 

“Or not.” Connor mumbled under his breath. It would be so much easier if they didn’t. No fighting in front of Evan, nothing to chase him away. But he also wanted to prove to Larry that he had a real friend. He glanced over at Evan before ducking his head as the other smiled at him 

The three of them sat in silence for about ten minutes before Cynthia clapped her hands. A false perkiness to her voice: “Well we can’t let it get cold, let’s just eat.”

“It looks amazing.” Evan complimented as a serving was placed on his plate. He hadn’t been lying when he said he would eat the entire thing. “So good.”

“Than you Evan. So how did you and Connor meet?” Cynthia asked with a smile.. 

“Well I’ve seen him around school.” Connor stated in between bites. “I thought he was really cool.” He looked over at Connor to finish the story. He wouldn’t lie even for this, he just wouldn’t correct Connor if he did.

“Evan works at Ellison State Park. I hang out there.” Connor shrugged.

“Oh how do you like that?” Cynthia asked. 

“Love it, I really like trees.” Evan said as he finished his serving. He smirked and glanced at Connor’s plate. “I mean right now I’m stuck on garbage duty.” He twirled his fork before stabbing into Connor’s lasagna and pulling a small piece off. 

“Hey!” Connor narrowed his eyes at the other. 

“A fraction.” He popped his prize into his mouth. 

“A fluke.”

“We’ll see.” 

“Would you like another piece?” Cynthia didn’t want to interrupt them, she hadn’t seen Connor so happy in a long time but she also knew her son and his short fuse. 

“Yes please.” Evan smiled, his fork inching towards Connor again. Though this time the other was ready and Evan’s fork was hit away with Connor’s own. “I would eat the entire thing if I could. So good.” 

“Well if the others don’t get here soon, I might let you.” Cynthia tried to hide her shock. No one had complimented her cooking in a long time. She cut another piece of the lasagna slightly bigger than what she normally would. “So Evan, what else do you like?” Cynthia asked and let out a small laugh when he said in a deadpan; “Drugs.”

“That’s why you think I hang out with Connor.” He continued his eyes trained on Cynthia. 

“Of course not.” That thought had crossed her mind but looking at Evan had soothed that worry. He just didn’t seem like that kind of person. 

“Musical Theater.” Evan interrupted her thoughts. “That’s what I like.”

“Oh I love musicals.” Cynthia smiled her train of thoughts now focused on musicals. “What’s your favorite show?”

“It’s..uh..” Evan paused, shit was it even out yet? It came out what freshman or sophomore year of college. Second favorite, shit wasn’t out yet either. “The Addams family.” He was 90% sure that one was out. 

“I haven’t seen that one yet but I’ve heard it had great reviews.” Phew, safe. They began a discussion of different shows with Evan even being able to pull Connor into the conversation. Cynthia fell out of the conversation as she let the boys continue. Connor hadn’t talked to anyone this much in years and she swore that she wasn’t going to cry. She stood up as she heard the front door open and cloth. Making her way to the entryway, she frowned at her husband. “Where have you been?” She hissed trying to keep her voice low. “I told you we had a guest for dinner tonight.” Larry opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by laughter from the dining room. Larry froze as he heard his son laugh in happiness. “Why don’t you go meet our son’s friend while I call our daughter.”

Chapter Text

As soon as Cynthia left the room, Connor’s eyes narrowed and he whacked at Evan’s shoulder. “Drugs.” He hissed. “You like drugs.” Was the other trying to make his family hate him and then they wouldn’t be able to hang out anymore, Larry would make sure of that. 

“No one’s gonna believe me.” Evan shrugged. No one had ever believed that he was a junkie until the track marks started showing up on his arms and he started tweaking out. There was no way anyone would believe 17 year old Evan Hansen did drugs. “They never do.” Even when he had stopped lying no one believed he was telling the truth. Though after The Connor Project he didn’t really blame them either. 

“Just not in front of Larry.” Connor took a deep breath, Evan was right that people wouldn’t believe him. Connor hadn’t believed him and he probably still wouldn’t if he hadn’t seen the other so sick claiming it was withdrawal and Connor had believed him when he said that. He remembered Evan from school, the quiet kid who never did anything to draw attention to himself, there was no way the other had been lying. 

“Never.” Evan agreed with a nod. He was going to change things this time around and he wasn’t going to get kicked out of the Murphy household until he did. “I’m not that dumb.” He slowly inched his fork back towards Connor’s plate. He had his own serving on his plate, but it was just so much funnier to take some off Connor’s. Free food was always tastier and he liked how Connor acted when he tried. It was cute or something. 

“Stop.” Connor pushed at the other’s fork with a small laugh. “You have your own.” 

“Yeah but yours is better.”

“It’s not.” 

“Yeah it is.” Evan leaned closer to try to stab a piece of Connor’s lasagna not really paying attention to how close he was actually getting to the other. He didn’t realize how he was practically leaning against Connor as he pushed the plate farther away from the approaching fork. 

“Stop.” Connor whined pushing his plate away from the other while leaning in to engage in a battle of their forks. 

Evan wasn’t sure who caused it but the next thing he knew Connor’s chair was falling backwards as Evan fell forward onto the other’s chest on the ground. “Shit.” He wheezed looking up at Connor. He couldn’t identify the emotion in the other’s eyes but before they knew it both of them were laughing. Evan rested his head on the other’s chest, he didn’t know why this situation was so funny. However Connor’s laughter came to an abrupt stop as the sound of footsteps came to a stop in the doorway. 

Connor wasn’t sure why he was laughing, the air getting knocked out of him wasn’t funny but he couldn’t help it. “I win.” He gasped out, still laughing. Hearing footsteps in the doorway, Connor looked up and froze; Larry was staring in the open door. Connor could feel himself tense up getting ready for an argument. 

“Connor.” Larry said stiffly. “Whose your friend?”

Connor kept his lips closed as he narrowed his eyes at the man. He was ready for the fight that he knew was coming soon. There was always a fight. 

“I”m Evan.” Evan said as he rolled off of Connor to look at the older man. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife and Evan wanted to break it. Sure he still wasn’t one hundred percent ready to deal with Larry Murphy but better him than Connor. “Sorry.” He got to his feet to offer his unbroken arm for a handshake. “Not sure how we fell.” He turned back to help Connor up only to find the other standing ramrod straight, his fist clenched at his side.  Once he gave Larry a firm handshake, Evan but his lip unsure what to talk about but he needed to keep the attention on him. “It’s…ah..nice to meet you. Thanks for the invite.” Even though they both knew this was all Cynthia.

“Oh what happened?” Cynthia came back into the room and saw the other turned chair on the ground and Connor looking ready to fight and Evan looking like he’d rather be anywhere else but here. So different from the boys not even 5 minutes ago. 

“Nothing.” Connot bit out as he bent down to set his chair upright once more. 

“Just an accident.” Evan shrugged, not liking how both of Connor’s parents looked to him like they didn’t believe their own son. That the pathological liar was more trustworthy than Connor. Taking a deep breath, Evan tried to keep the anger he felt off his face. As he retook his seat, he shot a strainted grinned at Larry before stuffing his mouth with another piece of lasagna. A tense silence fell over the table as Cynthia served her husband, the easy conversation that flowed earlier gone and Evan didn’t want to try to tease Connor again. Not afraid of Connor’s reaction but worried. The first time around Evan never learned Connor’s true diagnoses or if he ever had one but Evan knew from the few true stories he knew was that Connor was unpredictable around Larry. Sure he wasn’t going to dump Connor as a friend after his first meltdown but he wasn’t sure that Larry wouldn’t kick him out. Hide there’s something wrong, pretend to be the perfect family, rather than actually get Connor the help he needed and unbeknownst to Evan actually desperately wanted. 

“So Evan, thinking about college?” Larry asked to break the silence. 

“Oh yeah.” Evan curled in on himself a little bit. “Probably something with environmental science.” This time he wouldn’t flunk out chasing that next high instead of caring about anything else. Evan stuffed another piece of Lasagna in his mouth as the tense silence once again fell over the table. 

Cynthia bit her lip as she looked over the three men sitting at the table all with different uncomfortable expressions on their faces. 

“So how did you meet?” Larry tried again. 

“You’d know if you were on time.” Connor bit out his silverware clinking loudly against his plate. “If Evan was Zoe’s friend, you would be earlier.” Connor stood suddenly, his hands clenched into fists at his side. 

Larry opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Connor; “Fuck you Larry.” And Connor stormed out of the room. 

Evan bit his lip as he looked between the empty doorway and the table. He had the chance to do something really funny and he never missed those chances and hopefully just maybe it might make Connor laugh. The other had a really nice laugh and Evan wanted to hear it more. “I’d say it’s been nice but I don’t lie.” Evan said, standing up. “Bye.” He leaned over the table and grabbed the lasagna pan before turning and very purposefully walking back into the house up to Connor’s room. He hoped the other was there.

Chapter Text

Connor stomped up the stairs as he tried to calm down, he didn’t want Evan to witness one of his freak outs, there was no way the other would want to hang around him once he did. He really just wanted to break something, to throw something, anything to get the anger out of him. Connor grabbed a water bottle from his desk and threw it against the wall. It was plastic so it didn’t make the satisfying shattering sound that he so craved in moments like these. It just bounded off the wall and he was just tempted to punch the wall as well but he knew that if he damaged the fight with Larry would get worse and he wasn’t so consumed by his anger to where that seemed like a good idea. He sat on his head and banged his head against the wall as he took more deep breaths. He could feel some of the anger start to fade out but it was still simmering underneath the surface. 

“Hey.” A male voice said from the doorway, Connor snapped his head up ready to yell at Larry again but it was Evan. Evan, who hadn’t left. Evan, who was his friend. Evan, who had the tray of lasagna? What? Connor was pretty sure he was gaping at the other. 

“I think I win.” Evan joked, setting the tray on the desk before sitting backwards on the chair. They fell into a comfortable silence as Evan waited for the other to speak, he didn’t want to push. Didn’t want to shatter their fragile friendship before it truly could come to be. Evan was sure the other barely liked him and he wouldn’t ruin this, not yet. Not until he made sure Connor lived. 

Connor chewed on his lip as he stared at Evan. His anger had disappeared with the other boy’s appearance but he didn’t know how to explain to the other what had just happened without sounding like a freak. That he just got so angry sometimes and he couldn’t contain it. That if he tried it would just get worse and worse. Connor really didn’t know how to start a conversation, should he apologize or just pretend that it hadn’t happened. However his gaze kept drawing back to the tray on his desk, and an emotion that he couldn’t identify welling up inside of him. What was Evan doing to him? Was this what having a friend was like?

“But I’d be up for a rematch.” Evan finally broke the silence. He really couldn’t take it anymore, he hoped this wouldn’t ruin this. He figured that this was a safe enough topic not that he wanted to talk about Larry Murphy anymore than Connor did. Not that he had no idea how to start that conversation. Sorry you dad sucks? Mine does too. Hmmm file that away for later. 

“Yeah you’re on.” Connor said quietly sure his anger was gone but so was his good mood. Now he just kind of felt numb like everything around him was just a touch out of sync. “Sorry this sucked.” He had so many other words to describe what just happened but sucked just seemed to be the most fitting. 

“Maybe dinner at my house.” Evan offered. Sure the food wouldn’t be as good but there would be no parents around. That would have bothered him the first time around but it was something of a blessing this time. 

“But with my food?” Connor asked with a grin. 

“Maybe.” Evan spun his chair around to use the fork he had also stolen to eat a small piece of the stolen food. “Though I think this proves it's my food.” 

“As if.” Connor scoffed getting up to walk over to the desk and swiped at the fork in Evan’s hand. However Evan was able to jerk his hand away fast enough to keep the item. 

“Good try but not good enough.” Evan grinned at Connor, spinning the fork between his fingers. 

Connor narrowed his eyes at the other before zeroing in on the fork. Evan must have practiced that skill as it was way too smooth. Connor was kind of jealous. The more he stared he noticed how bitten down the other’s nails were like his used to be before he started painting his nails. 

“Can I paint your nails?” Slipped out of his mouth before he could think of what he was asking. It was weird right? Guys didn’t ask that. 

Evan looked down at his bitten nails, he had never gotten into painting them. His tremors made it impossible for it to look any way decent. But it might be nice if Connor did them and Evan would probably agree to anything that the other asked. “Sure.” 

“Cool.” Connor pulled open his desk drawer to grab his nail polish before frowning black was not Evan’s color. “One sec.” He stalked out his room before going over to Zoe’s room. While she was allowed a door there was no lock. There were no locked in the house anymore there used to be until Connor fucked it up and Larry got annoyed at having to deal with him. Zoe had her collection displayed on her desk, running his eyes over the different bottles he selected a nice blue color. He didn’t want to think how it matched the other’s eyes. He quickly went back into his room and was greeted by the sight of Evan eating. “Hey.” Connor narrowed his eyes at the other. “So added to the list.” 

“What I’m hungry.” Evan grinned at the other. Sure he was hungry but it was also to get a reaction out of Connor as well. He liked seeing the other so alive. “That’s a nice color.” He complimented. He would probably look weird with any color so his favorite was a nice choice. “Where do you want me?”

 “Uh the bed’s probably the easiest.” Connor looked around his room. The bed really was the best choice as he only had the one chair. They settled on the bed facing each other. Looking down, Connor caught sight of his name on Evan’s cast and he felt himself flush. He really hadn’t meant to write his name so big. Evan offered his hand and Connor froze. Oh god he really hadn’t thought this through. He kept his face down as she started to paint Evan’s nails. However if he looked up, he would have noticed that Evan’s face was also ruby red. 

“You’re really good at this.” Evan stuttered out as Connor finished his first hand. 

“Thanks.” Connor was really glad his hair was long enough to block his face from Evan’s gaze. “Don’t touch anything.” Connor focused back on painting Evan’s nails, neither of them paying attention to what was happening outside their little bubble. So neither of them heard the footsteps coming up the stairs. 

“Connor!” A voice yelled from the room across the hall. It seemed that Cynthia’s phone call to Zoe worked and now the other was home. Evan was not ready for this, he didn’t know why he thought this was going to be a good dinner. Okay he knew why, Connor. Evan would do anything to make the other stay alive. If he could save the other, it would all be worth it. 

Zoe Murphy appeared in the doorway and Evan froze even though he had been trying to brace himself for this. But there was the girl whose life he basically ruined. He hadn’t seen her in years but he knew as much as The Connor Project had defined his life it paled in comparison to how much it defined hers. What his letter had done, he had seen her once about ten years ago and the shadow of his lies still hung over her life. The guilt that Evan felt probably wouldn’t ever go away. The way he had manipulated her and it was manipulation he could see that now. Evan kind of wished that he had realized he was gay earlier in life so he could have spared her feelings. Sure he still would have broken her with his lies but not as much as he did if he had just never dated her. 

“Stay out of my room.” Zoe continued on not noticing that there was someone else in the room with her brother. 

“Go away, Zoe.” Connor tried to keep his temper under control. He didn’t want to explode in front of Evan twice in the same day. 

“No! You need to stay out of my room.” Zoe said angrily, taking a step into Connor’s room before freezing as she finally noticed that second boy in the room. “Who are you?” She demanded crossing her arms over her chest as she narrowed her eyes at the unfamiliar boy. 

“Evan.” Evan said a little way on how the ensuing conversation was going to go. 

“Does dad know you have one of your druggie friends up here?” Evan winced at the true description of himself even though he was clean and was going to stay that way. 

“Shut up Zoe.” Connor’s voice raised in volume as he tore his hands away to fist them into his sheets. 

“No! You’re not supposed to do this.” And Evan could see beyond the anger and hatred that Zoe was worried about her brother. That she didn’t want to have to do this but it was her responsibility. 

“Shut up Zoe.” Connor hissed out between his clenched teeth. He really didn’t want to do this right now. Why did everything always have to be ruined by his family? Evan was going to see how much of a fucked up family they were and decide it was better for him to stay far away. 

“Dad!” Zoe screamed out. 

“Fuck you.” Connor hissed out clenching his fists even tighter until he realized that he still had the nail polish bottle in his hand. The next thing he knew was he was hurling the bottle at the wall in Zoe’s direction. He didn’t want to hurt her, just scare her enough to just get out. 

“Fuck you Connor.” Zoe hissed out wincing as the bottle hit the wall behind her. “Whatever.” She turned on her heel as the sound of footsteps rushing up the stairs was heard.