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Ida knew that he was flying too close to the sun.
Between classes, labs, club activities, and daily chores at home, he had been stretched too thin. At the beginning, he was confident that he could do it all – after all, he had chores and classes and club activities back in high school too, right?
Wrong. It only took a couple weeks for Ida to understand that he had severely underestimated the mental load of being a university student who lived alone. Even though he had anticipated the extra effort that being on his own would entail, imagining it was really different from actually living it. And after a few months of trying to balance it all, Ida finally crashed.
If you don’t take a rest, your body will make you rest, sometimes by force . His mom used to say it to his dad all the time, especially when his dad was too caught up in his adventures. When he was younger, Ida used to laugh at the statement and his dad’s crestfallen face whenever he got scolded. Now, as he struggled to even open his eyes, he finally understood the truth behind his mom’s words.
“So this is what resting by force feels like.” Ida muttered to himself after trying, and failing, to get himself dressed for the fifth time. The ache behind his eyes was unrelenting, and even without a thermometer, he knew that his whole body was burning with fever. His eyesight was starting to blur badly as well. Not wanting to risk it more than he already did, Ida hastily got himself back into bed, sighing loudly and listlessly.
“No classes or club activities for me today… gotta tell Sakamoto at least.” He murmured as he reached around for his phone, finally finding it tangled among his blankets. Sakamoto was his classmate and a fellow member of the volleyball club, and Ida decided that informing him of his absence would be the most efficient – despite all the typos his text message probably contained.
After confirming that Sakamoto got his message, Ida dropped his phone onto the pillow, ready to fall back asleep – but just before sleep completely overtook him, Ida’s eyes flew open.
He made a promise with Aoki to have dinner together. Their last two dates had to be canceled, once because Aoki’s group work ran late, and once because Ida’s lab schedule suddenly changed. It was supposed to be their first date in a while. But looking at his own state, Ida knew that going on a date would be impossible. What if he collapsed on the way to their meeting spot? What if he was too incoherent to talk to anyone? What if he ended up troubling Aoki because of it? Knowing how prone Aoki was to panicking, it was definitely not the best option. Also – as childish as it sounds – Ida really didn’t want this weak side of himself to be seen. Not by someone he likes.
Ida grabbed his phone back and fiddled with it for a moment, trying to come up with an excuse that made sense. He could’ve just told the other the truth, but he wasn’t sure how Aoki would react to the news. Would he be worried? Possibly. Would he panic? Still possible, though Ida would very much like to avoid that. Aoki was busy with his own stuff. Adding to his worries was not something Ida wanted to do.
Souta, Im sosorry, looks like I have to cancel tonighttt. We have replacment clases and groip work until prettylate. I’ll make it up t you as soon as Ican.
Again, Ida watched the screen until the message was sent. Aoki didn’t reply – he was probably in class. Or doing chores. Or doing something else. That’s just the reality of being university students – things were so different from when they were still classmates in high school, seeing each other everyday and knowing almost exactly what goes on in each other’s lives.
He didn’t realize how much he missed Aoki until he fell asleep with the thoughts of him in mind.
–
When Ida woke up again, he wasn’t sure how many hours had passed. His headache had subsided slightly, but the fever hadn’t gone down. His whole body felt sluggish and his skin uncomfortably sticky. Forcing himself to sit up on the bed, Ida let out a loud sigh, feeling somewhat relieved to wake up in the solitude of his own room.
Falling asleep when sick always gave him nightmares. It was even worse when he was a child, when he would often wake up screaming and alarming his parents. Those dreams didn’t even make sense when he thought of it again fully awake, but in the middle of it, the dread always felt so real.
Like now. Ida couldn’t fully recall what the dream was about, but he saw Aoki in that dream, crying. Not the dramatic wail that Ida recalled from high school days. This was a whole new type of crying – the one that pained him even just by looking. The Aoki in his dream was silent, not saying a single thing, wordlessly staring at him with tears streaming down his delicate face.
Aoki. Ida rubbed his face harshly, trying to get rid of the images and get himself back to real life. He remembered texting Aoki before falling asleep, but not seeing the reply. Did Aoki respond to his text? Was he angry because Ida had to cancel?
Reaching around in bed, Ida found his phone – only to see that it was dead.
Of course. It must have been running low on battery since morning, and Ida didn’t have the mental capacity to even realize it, let alone take care of it. In the end, he tossed back his phone where he found it, sighing despondently.
As the sensations in his body gradually returned, Ida realized that besides the splitting headache, he could also feel his stomach rumbling. From the moment he woke up earlier in the day, he was too beat up with fever and hadn’t eaten a single thing. To make matters worse, Ida knew that he didn’t have anything to eat at home. With him spending most of his days outside attending classes and doing club activities, he basically had been surviving on convenience store food for weeks. There was just no time to buy groceries, knowing that he would be far too tired to cook them anyways.
It was at times like this that Ida sometimes wished he was still living at home. Even though his parents were both busy doing their own things – his dad with his crazy adventures and his mom with her ladies group – at home, he could be certain that he was being taken care of. Ida liked to think of himself as mostly independent, having gotten used to spending time alone since he was a child, but being all alone when sick was a new experience, even to him. Being all alone in his rented room, he knew that if he didn’t take care of himself, no one would.
Sighing, he slowly dragged himself towards the edge of the bed, determined to make his way to the kitchen and eat whatever’s available. There’s got to be at least a pack of instant noodles or something. At worst, he would have to make a convenience store run. Ida only hoped for two things – that he had enough cash to make the payment, and that he could make it to the convenience store and back without passing out somewhere.
Just as he made his way towards the kitchen, supporting himself on walls and furniture, he stopped. There were noises in the kitchen, and it didn’t sound anything like the regular humming of refrigerators or stuff. It was, unmistakably, the sounds of someone moving about. Ida continued his slow walk towards the kitchen, steps halting when he recognized someone’s back.
“Souta…?”
The person in his kitchen bristled, dropping the utensils in his hands as he spun around quickly. “My God! You scared me!”
Ida blinked, staring with bleary eyes at the person who just turned around. It was Aoki – Aoki with a surprised and slightly scared look. Ida’s sight moved downwards, noticing the utensils Aoki just dropped, and to the things he had on the kitchen counter. There was a bowl with steam rising on top of it and a plate of what looked like side dishes. The takeaway plastic bag next to the bowl looked like there were still a few things left in it.
Aoki’s expression morphed into a frown as he took a good look at Ida’s face. “You look horrible.”
Ida completely disregarded Aoki's statement as he gaped, still unsure if the latter was real. “Why– why are you here? How?”
“After that weird text? Of course I knew something was wrong!” Aoki bent down to pick the utensils back up, turning around to wash them in the sink while scolding Ida with a sharp tone. “I know you’re terrible with technology, but that text was just too weird. Then I tried calling, but your phone was dead. You should have told me that you were sick! I thought you got kidnapped or something!”
Aoki stopped rambling when he noticed that Ida wasn’t responding. Setting the utensils aside, he approached Ida in a hurry, placing his hands on Ida’s forehead and cheek.
“You’re burning up.” He commented, a look of concern evident on his face. “Want me to help you back to bed?”
Hearing no response from Ida, Aoki shook him gently, patting everywhere he could touch. “Ida, are you listening? Oh, no. Hey, Ida??”
“Yes.” Ida finally answered, sighing softly and closing his eyes as he leaned forward into Aoki’s embrace. “Yes, I’m listening… I’m sorry.”
“Seriously, stop scaring me.” Aoki groaned. “I thought you were about to pass out!”
Ida murmured another apology, burying himself deeper into Aoki’s neck. His mind was still fuzzy, half from his fever, half from sleep. Aoki’s familiar scent comforted him.
“I think you should sit down.” Aoki gently coaxed him, trying to push Ida slightly away to make him sit somewhere. But Ida refused to let go, instead hugging Aoki even tighter.
“Can I stay like this?”
“Okay…?” Aoki sounded confused, but he didn’t reject the hug, only shifting slightly to better support Ida’s weight.
He didn’t speak after that, and Aoki didn't hear anything else from Ida until the latter murmured, very softly. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For canceling the date.”
“Hey, you’re sick. It's not your fault.” Aoki’s voice was gentle as he pulled back to look at Ida properly. “Okay, maybe some of it is your fault. Ida, you're too busy caring about other people sometimes. You need to think of yourself a bit more.”
“Still.” Ida was looking at the floor, avoiding Aoki’s eyes as guilt settled in. “You have things on your plate too. And now on top of that, you have to take care of me. I’m sorry for troubling you, Souta.”
“Now that is kind of rude.” Aoki finally pushed him away completely, and his fingers went up to fix Ida’s dark locks. “You’re saying this as if I’m forced to take care of you, like I don’t want to.”
“I just mean – you shouldn’t have to.”
“And that’s stupid.” Aoki placed both hands on his hips, sending Ida a sharp but well-meaning glare. “I’m doing this because I want to, okay. There’s nothing wrong with helping each other.”
Aoki finally succeeded in making Ida sit down by the dining table, and he turned his attention back to the forgotten dishes. Ida just sat there silently, watching him warm up the dishes, until he heard Aoki muttering something.
“We’re both far away from our families now, remember? When we’re here… we’re each other’s family.”
Family.
Ida took the words in, absorbed them, and let them play over and over again in his mind as he continued watching Aoki’s movements. Aoki didn’t say it directly to him, but Ida knew what he was trying to say.
You’re not alone. You have me.
“I would really love to create a family with you, Souta.”
The words escaped before he even knew what he was saying. Aoki, for the second time that day, dropped the utensils as he spun around to face Ida, sputtering in disbelief.
“What was that?? You sounded like you just proposed to me!”
Ida smiled, headache and fever nearly forgotten as he watched Aoki’s cheeks and ears turning pink.
“Maybe I did.”
“Ugh, if you’re healthy enough to tease me, then I definitely don’t need to worry about you anymore.” Aoki grumbled, quickly turning around to hide his blush. Ida responded with a chuckle, loving every bit of Aoki’s reactions.
At the back of his mind, Ida finally realized that this is what it felt like to be with someone he loved. To be with someone that would allow him to show vulnerability – someone who would take care of him without judging.
Aoki might have thought that he was joking when Ida said that he would love to become a family – but for Ida, the words came out of his heart. It was definitely much too soon for them to start thinking about things like that, but it was an imagination that Ida truly enjoyed having. There were way too many details he didn’t know about, and Ida didn’t want to burden himself with worrying about them at the moment. All he knew was that he definitely was looking forward to more days with Aoki by his side.
Someday, I really would love to create a family with you.
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