Chapter Text
The mirror reflects her face. Hanni’s eyes roam, taking in all of herself — the slope of her nose, the way her mouth curves downwards, the bags under her eyes, more prominent now than three days ago, the eyebrows she needs to fill to satisfy a primal urge to be pretty. Her chapped lips are in dire need of a balm she doesn’t have because the one she used had lasted a year and she never bothered to replace it once it ran out. She wets them with a lick. Two seconds later, they feel drier than before.
In her hand, trapped by slim fingers, a cold scissor weighs a thousand pounds, it feels like. Hanni rubs a thumb along the metal. Her tongue pokes her cheek from inside, the bump a new addition to the reflection. Looking down, she loses herself in the way her hand lies limp on her lap, holding the object a little tighter than necessary. The pressure adds some dents to her skin. She doesn’t hate it.
Eyes back up, Hanni captures herself again. Her hair has grown so much since she started high school. She stopped cutting it three years ago, only going to the salon to fix her bangs when needed, and she can feel the weight, each follicle pulling her body down to earth. Hanni thinks that one day the tips of her hair will reach the ground and she will slowly cease to move; they’ll start taking root, inch by inch, curling around her feet and then her legs. She will let them, and eventually she’ll be trapped wherever she is when they decide to swallow her whole. And then, she will die.
It's dramatic. But also, it’s all she needs to let go of the scissors and hold them properly. Hanni brings one arm up to grab a chunk of her hair, the length terrifyingly smooth against her palm. It sways a little, hypnotizing. Hanni follows the movement and brings the scissors up to her jaw.
She hesitates. Is this really what she needs? It had seemed like such an easy decision a few hours ago, her legs carrying her to the bathroom on a furious impulse after searching tutorials on how to not fuck this up. But now that she’s here, scissors opened and ready, Hanni’s hand stills. Her heart freezes and she thinks about this, ruminating the consequences of her actions. The people she will displease, the chances she will ruin, the unwarranted opinions she will have to hear if she goes through with it.
Hanni Pham overthinks. That will be the title of her obituary.
And that’s what got her to this point, isn’t it? All the times she backed out because she was afraid, afraid of the world and the pain she would have to endure, like taking a shot would kill her, like the end of all things wasn’t already happening all around her, like she could prevent the apocalypse by being a good girl. She had been so good, all her life.
And the world still ended.
“Fuck it,” Hanni breathes out and the scissors whisper in her ear. The first cut is clean, smoother than a knife through butter. It happens so quickly. The left side of her head is suddenly too light, and Hanni’s heart jumps out of her chest. She looks down, the white of her shirt covered in black, thick hair that had been attached to her body for three whole years. Now a lifeless, gruesome thing to look at. Hanni made a mess.
And then, she laughs. It’s automatic – instinctual even – the way laughter bubbles up from the pit of her stomach all the way up her throat and into the world. Her shoulders shake with pure, unadulterated joy and she looks in the mirror to find a girl of 18 smiling like she’s young and free.
Maybe the hair wasn’t dead and gone now that it found itself untethered to its mortal coil. Maybe now, it was simply free.
It’s this feeling Hanni chases when she cuts the rest.
--
The doorbell rings at the same time as Danielle’s bubblegum pops, and the coincidence is so funny that she widens her eyes and looks at Hyein by her side on the couch, pointing at herself like she needed the girl to praise her for what just happened.
Hyein, bless her heart, indulges her. “Oh, that was so cool.”
“Right! Oh my god, I’m a genius.” Danielle brings the gum back into her mouth with a nasty lick all over her lips and gets up, hopping across the living room and avoiding the bags messily scattered on the floor. “Coming!”
She doesn’t even bother asking who it is, opening the door with a smile and sparkly eyes.
“Hello—” The words die on her lips, and Danielle, who has always been as tactful as a bull in a china shop, blurts, “What the hell did you do to your hair?”
Hanni stands there. She blinks, tilting her head to the side in confusion. “I took it off to wash.”
“You’re insane.” Hand on the doorframe, Danielle eyes her best friend from head to toe with an incredulous look before deciding that the person in front of her is, indeed, Hanni Pham. “We’re gonna need to fix that.”
Hanni laughs when Danielle turns around. She follows her inside, taking off her shoes.
When her socks slide on the carpet of the living room, the smell of pine and jasmine hit her soul. Just like it’s always been since she was a kid living across the street, the Marsh household feels eternal, frozen in time and never-ending, with its beige walls and brown ceiling, plants all around and wide windows that never close because Danielle and her parents didn’t believe in darkness. The sun hits all the right places this early in the morning, and Hanni takes a deep breath.
She eyes the bags on the floor. Danielle’s and someone else’s.
It’s 8:00am and she’s jittery.
“Who is it?” Hyein’s voice travels across the room and soon the younger girl shows up. Much like Danielle, she was smiling, and then she wasn’t. “Oh my god? Unnie! Your hair!”
“What? What happened to my hair?” Hanni feigns shock.
“It’s gone!” Hyein runs towards her and gives her a hug. She pulls back and tugs on the short strands. “You cut it yourself, didn’t you?”
The way everyone can see how crooked it looks is a hit to Hanni’s pride. “Please be nice to me, I’m young and impressionable.”
“You’re a lunatic with no impulse control,” Danielle shows up again after a moment, a pair of scissors in hand. They look a lot more professional than Hanni’s were. “Come here, let me at least fix you before our trip.”
Hanni rolls her eyes but is secretly relieved. She drops her bag on the floor along with the others and doesn’t fight it when Danielle grabs her hand and pulls her upstairs, all the way to her bathroom. Hyein follows them, giddy all the while.
“Sit.” Danielle pushes Hanni down by the shoulders until her butt is pressed against a little plastic stool. “Hyein, grab my towel.”
She does it diligently. Hanni sees how her face lights up and can’t even pretend to be all that mad anymore. Their youngest has this effect on her and everyone else.
“Haerin isn’t here yet?” Hanni asks as Danielle wraps the towel around her. She closes her eyes when her best friend runs her fingers through her scalp to understand the situation. Nails rack against her nape and Hanni shivers. She feels so naked. “You’re going to put me to sleep doing that.”
“I’m assessing the damage, quiet.” Danielle sounds so serious that Hanni chuckles. “Haerin is on her way. Oh, you missed a nasty spot back here.”
“I followed a tutorial.”
“How many times did I tell you to come to me if you ever want to ruin your life?” Danielle mutters and starts cutting long strands of hair from the back. “Don’t… move… a muscle…”
“Do you know what you’re doing? Like, actually?” Hanni has to ask, because she loves her girl, but she’s also known her for more than half her life.
“Of course I do.” Giving Hyein a look, Danielle shakes her head and mouths I don’t, but Hanni’s eyes are closed so it doesn’t matter. “Would anyone who didn’t know what she was doing look as good as me?”
“Your Honor, I’ll refrain from answering.” Is all Hanni says as her closing statement.
It’s really not that bad. The relaxing sound of scissors cutting hair is only rivaled by Danielle and Hyein’s chatter in the back, echoing against tile walls as they fix Hanni’s mistakes. She thinks that she would like to live here, in this pocket of time, if she had a choice. Three girls wearing matching white shirts and black shorts. Hanni’s best friends for life, even if two of them are still missing. She smiles, eyes still closed.
In less than an hour they’ll be leaving for their summer vacation trip. Two weeks spent in a rented house by the beach, three hours away from the city, just the five of them. Their last trip as friends before the older girls leave for college and enter adulthood for good. Hanni is one of them.
Danielle rubs the shell of her ear accidentally and Hanni feels goosebumps all over. Everything is affecting her so much today. She feels like a deer in the headlights.
“Alright, done.” Danielle steps back and pokes Hanni’s shoulder. “Open your eyes, take a look.”
Hanni does and inevitably gapes. All the crooked angles look natural and soft now. She touches the back of her head and realizes that Danielle had removed all the weird little strands that made her nape itch. “Oh, okay. I see now.”
“You’re welcome.” But before she can say anything smug, the doorbell rings again. “It’s Haerin! Wait, come downstairs when I call you. Let’s scare her.”
“I’m not scary,” Hanni wants to pout but Danielle is already gone. She removes the towel, standing up. She looks at Hyein. “Am I scary?”
“You’re super cute, unnie.” Hyein says it with nothing but honesty and maybe a trickster glint to her eyes.
Hanni has to believe her because it’s too late for regrets. She had decided that she wouldn’t regret anything that happened on this trip the moment she picked up her scissors at home.
“Hyein is here,” Danielle’s voice booms from downstairs and she adds, louder, “And Hanni too! Hanni just arrived.”
“I think that’s your cue.” Hyein pushes her lower back forward and Hanni stumbles out of the bathroom. She looks at the stairs and sighs, thinking about a funny pose to greet Haerin with. Nothing interesting comes to mind, so she just descends slowly, head held high and a slow wave to her invisible crowd.
She avoids meeting Haerin’s eyes as much as she can before the silence becomes too much. The girl is staring at her with her usual nonchalant face, but Hanni notices the way her eyes widen infinitesimally. She’s always been good at reading Haerin, for some reason.
Danielle bounces on her heels by Haerin’s side, awaiting her reaction. It takes a moment, and Hanni feels like walking back up in reverse to do it all over again.
But then, Haerin finally gives her verdict, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Hanni’s shoulders slump. “At this point, anything.”
“You cut your hair.” Is all she gives them, and Danielle exchanges a sorrowful gaze with Hanni that says everything. Good, old Haerin.
“Did you like it?” Hanni finally meets them at the bottom of the stairs, hands tugging at the hem of her shirt. Just like them, Haerin is wearing a matching outfit. She looks good in black and white; soft and gentle, but with a sharp and knowing gaze that Hanni has always sook out in times of distress. She doesn’t know why Haerin liking her haircut is suddenly such a big deal.
“Yes,” Haerin’s answer is simple, like the soft smile that pains her features. “It suits you.”
“Oh. Yes, thank you.” Hanni nods, happier than expected.
“I fixed it, by the way.” Danielle interrupts her validating moment. “It was awful when she got here.”
“It wasn’t awful,” Hyein comes in for the rescue atop the stairs. She walks down slowly, step by careful step with a hand on the wooden rail. “It was just messy and amateurish.”
“I’ll stick with awful, I think.” Hanni decides.
“Well, whatever it was, it’s nice now.” Pragmatically, Haerin looks around the house. Her bag is slung across one shoulder. “Is Minji unnie the only one missing?”
A beat. The carpet under Hanni’s feet suddenly itch. She opens and closes her fists to stop the sweat on her palms from pooling there.
“Yeah, but she should be—” A car honk interrupts Danielle, and she jumps. “Here! It’s time, let’s go, let’s go.”
It’s suddenly a bit chaotic. Hanni was always impressed by her best friend’s demeanor when it came to trips and outdoor activities. Danielle’s energy spikes were a sight to behold, and her curly hair is all she can see when the girl dashes across the living room to get her bag from the floor, taking Hyein’s as well and tossing it to the younger girl like it weighs nothing. Hyein almost falls back at the sudden throw, and then Dani is doing the same with Hanni’s bag. Fortunately, Hanni’s reflexes help, and she manages to catch her duffle bag with an oof and no broken bones. Haerin just walks past her when Danielle and Hyein walk out of the house, shaking her head. She already looks tired.
Hanni just stands there for a moment. She scratches her bare neck, suddenly missing the familiar weight of her long hair. Her lips are still chapped. She knows that Danielle has an infinite stock of lip balms in the second drawer to the left in her bathroom and thinks about getting some. Her tongue darts out again, licking the skin and it does nothing to help. Holding her duffle bag in this angle is starting to hurt, so she shifts positions. One hand tugs at her short hair.
Excuses, all of this.
Hanni wonders what she would see if she looked at herself in the mirror now that Minji is outside.
“Unnie!” Danielle’s voice snaps her out of it, and Hanni moves her legs like a robot who already forgot that whole thing about regrets.
--
When Minji arrives at the Marsh house with her car, she looks cool. Her sunglasses are new as well as her black cap, but these are only things she’s allowed to have that don’t match the others. She still has to wear a white shirt and black shorts like everyone else, but she does it with style. At least, she likes to think so.
With one hand on the wheel and another leaning against the window, Minji greets her friends with a charming smile. “Get in, losers.”
Danielle stumbles her way over to the silver car and puts her hands out to stop herself from diving in through the window. Poking her head inside, the air con hits her curls and she closes her eyes, feeling the freshness on her cheeks. “Cars are so cool.”
Minji leans away from the girl sticking her nose right on her face. “Please, personal space. Didn’t we talk about this? I feel like we have.”
“I don’t recall,” Danielle mutters but leans back again. She smiles at her friend. “Your mom really let you borrow her car for the trip?”
Minji unbuckles her seatbelt and steps out, the sun making her skin scream for the air con again. “Yes, so please don’t break anything.”
Danielle just gives her a mischievous smirk before marching towards the open trunk. Minji can’t say anything else; she’s suddenly being crushed to death by Hyein’s tall frame and lovely hug.
“Trip, trip, trip,” Hyein says, punctuating each trip with a slight hop. Minji awkwardly hugs her back for a moment before pushing the overly excited kid away due to how sticky it feels to touch another human being in this heat.
“Alright, we’re all very excited about driving for three hours, whoo.” With a pat to Hyein’s shoulder, Minji pushes her towards Danielle. “Bags in the trunk, fellas.”
Haerin shows up then, stopping to admire the car. “It’s larger than I imagined it would be.”
“Why, thank you.” Minji feels a little proud. Somehow getting Haerin’s approval on things feels like a badge of honor. “You can ride shotgun if you want.”
Shaking her head, Haerin walks past her. “I sleep better in the backseat.”
“You’re already sleepy?” Minji asks with a soft laugh.
“I didn’t sleep very well yesterday.”
The girl adds nothing else, but Minji knows that this means she was actually looking forward to their vacation so much that she spent the night awake, all giddy with excitement. Haerin is cute like that. She wonders if the other girls realized it, but decides to say nothing, keeping this secret to herself.
With most bags secured and the sun starting to really hurt, Minji leans against the car with arms crossed, looking at the house’s entrance. “Someone’s missing.”
“Yeah? Who?” Danielle makes herself comfortable in the backseat without asking anyone for permission, sighing with glee. “Air con…”
“Is Hanni still at her house?” Turning her head to look back, Minji eyes the Pham residence across the street. The house is much like the others around the neighborhood, salmon-pink with a white roof. Hanni’s childhood swing and slide are rusty and old in the front yard, battered from being exposed to the elements for most of her life. The metal on the slide reflects the sun and feels hot from afar. “Should I go get her?”
“I’m here.” Hanni’s voice floats, and Minji chases it.
There is a flash of pure radio static inside Minji’s head in the moments that follow between seeing Hanni and actually processing Hanni. It’s bizarre, an eldritch experience of sorts – the disconnect between the familiar comfort she expected and the reality she is presented with tilts her so much that she doesn’t even react. Her sunglasses hide it, but Minji’s eyes pinball in her sockets as she tries to comprehend the world in its entirety and fails, because she has yet to figure out how to conquer impossible things.
She doesn’t know for how long she stands there staring, but by the time Minji catches herself, her back feels stuck to the car permanently.
She leans forward to get rid of it. Car, sun, noise, everything.
“Cool, let’s go.” Is all Minji says before opening her door again and getting comfortable in the driver’s seat.
She doesn’t look at Hanni when the girl stays frozen there for an awkward beat and says ‘oh, yeah, okay’ with a lame-ass jitter in her speech. Doesn’t look at her when Hanni circles around to throw her duffle bag in the trunk, or when the car shakes as the trunk closes, or when the door to the passenger seat opens and Hanni Pham sits next to her because, at some point, Hyein had claimed the last spot in the backseat without Minji even noticing. The chill in her spine as she realizes that time had ceased to exist for a minute after seeing Hanni makes Minji swallow dry. A star exploded, an entire civilization developed enough to start using rocks as tools, and Minji was simply oblivious to it all.
“So… shall we go?” Danielle’s voice breaks her stupor.
“Yeah. Yeah, let’s drive.” With a façade that took years to perfect, Minji puts both hands on the wheel and clears her throat. “Everyone ready for our summer vacation?”
A cheerful ‘yeah!’ energizes her, the car starts moving, and Minji shivers.
Looking back, Minji thinks that this is where everything began.
--
“It’s the third time you play this song.” Danielle whines. She’s a professional yapper when she wants to be, and the start of the trip clearly has her on her peak performance. “Please, I beg.”
“You can choose the playlist when you learn how to drive,” Minji says with a grin and immediately catches Hanni’s hand when the girl tries to press the skip button on the radio. “Quit it! Don’t stress the driver, we’re all gonna die.”
Hanni clicks her tongue and pulls back. “I tried.”
“It’s okay, I’ll distract her again.” Danielle’s whisper does nothing because she’s leaning forward inside a tiny car. “Unnie, how long until we get there?”
“Oh my god, it’s been thirty minutes.” Minji will throttle her.
“Do you think we can eat ramen by the beach?” Hyein pitches in, not wanting to be left out of the conversation. “I brought the camera! We can film ourselves eating ramen by the beach. I saw some friends from school doing it, once.”
“I’m sure there are restaurants.” Hanni replies with an easy smile. She can see the girls in the backseat through the rearview mirror. Haerin had already passed out. “Shouldn’t we try to be a little quieter?”
“I’m good.” To everyone’s surprise, Haerin speaks up.
Danielle jumps. “Jesus.”
That actually takes a laugh out of Haerin, but she doesn’t open her eyes.
“Why don’t you all follow her example and quiet the hell down,” Minji offers, eyes never leaving the road in front of her. “I’m not sure you’re aware, but I’ve never driven for more than forty minutes in my life, so if we could all just cooperate.”
“There’s not a single car near us, you’re fine.” Danielle counters, but does lean back. She pops her bubblegum again, head resting on Hyein’s shoulder. “How did you convince your mom to lend you the car? Talk me through it.”
A shrug. “I just asked. I was going to have to learn how to drive on the road at some point anyway, she figured if I died I could at least take my best friends with me.”
“Okay, no one is going to die,” Hanni turns to look at Minji with an exasperated laugh. “Can you stop catastrophizing? You’re scaring the baby.”
“I’m not scared.” Danielle says.
“I meant Hyein— No, you know what, I meant you, actually.”
“Shut up.” Danielle kicks Hanni’s seat with a snort.
“Hey! Not my car!” Minji warns her, and Hyein laughs, and then everyone is laughing along with her.
The chatter goes on for twenty more minutes. The part of the trip where they actually need to get to the place is as uneventful as it is nerve-wrecking for the resident driver, but the jokes and usual banter calm everyone’s hearts down. At some point Haerin really does seem to fall asleep despite the ruckus, and Hanni manages to skip some songs because Minji has never been good at denying her for too long. When Danielle’s energy supply finally runs out, the car quiets down considerably. Whatever indie band is playing makes for some chill beats and Hanni can’t help but look up at the blue sky and the vast road in front of them.
When the conversation dies down for over five minutes Hanni turns around to check on the girls in the back. Everyone had fallen asleep in their own way – Haerin and Hyein with their heads cushioned by their own arms against the left and right windows, and Danielle in the middle resting against Hyein’s shoulder. She would wake up with a hell of a neck pain.
Hanni wished she had Hyein’s camera to capture this moment. Her eyes keep the scene tucked safely in her heart.
She turns to the front again. And then she realizes that she’s essentially alone with Minji.
Hanni feels it in her stomach. They’ve never been awkward with each other, but Minji’s reaction – or lack thereof – over her haircut was weighing heavily on her chest. The way she had turned around without a single scathing comment didn’t sit well with her. She could blame it on Minji’s nerves, she supposed. No amount of jokes could mask how anxious Minji actually was over being on the road for the first time.
Still.
“You’re really not going to say anything about it?” Pushing through the lump in her throat, Hanni speaks up after a long, quiet moment.
Minji’s reply comes with a delay. “About what?”
Hanni breathes out a chuckle. “You’re so annoying.”
“I know.” The answer is soft. The weird obstacle blocking Minji’s raw honesty is still there, but it seems to dissipate slowly with each passing second. Hanni is patient.
(Somehow she always is, with her.)
Then, an actual reply. “Why did you cut it?”
They don’t look at each other when they speak, Minji too focused on the road and Hanni too focused on Minji’s voice. The silence reigns again. The song ends, the CD skips inside the radio, and a new tune begins.
“It’s summer.” Hanni’s answer contains a thousand unspoken confessions; things she can’t say and things she simply doesn’t know how to convey. And for as much as Kim Minji gets on her nerves and turns her world upside down most of the time, Hanni hopes that she can still read her like no one else in this world – like she always had, somehow, ever since they first met in a staring competition five years ago that Hanni lost because she finally, finally found someone as competitive as her by staring into her soul for two minutes and fourteen seconds.
Her hand goes up to her nape. Hanni has never felt this bare.
But Minji rises to the occasion like a star. For a single, wonderful second, she tears her eyes off the road and looks at Hanni.
She smiles when she says, “Summer looks good on you.”
Hanni meets her eyes and holds her there for as long as she can, which is not enough.
(It never would be.)
She punches Minji’s shoulder and their laughter sounds as free as the sky above them.
--
“Haerin unnie,” With a soft mutter, Hyein shakes the girl awake. “We’re here.”
“Hm?” It takes Haerin a moment. Her body wakes up in sections – first her hands and arms, then her chest as she takes a deep breath that ends in a yawn. She stretches like a cat, finally feeling her legs and feet. The sun hurts her eyes and she frowns when she notices that the car is still moving.
Something is also weighing on her waist.
Finally opening her heavy eyelids, Haerin finds Danielle wrapped around her, hugging her close like a teddy bear. This startles her, not because of Dani’s affectionate self, but because Haerin is a very light sleeper. She must’ve really been out of it to not realize someone had trapped her in her sleep.
“Where are we?” Haerin asks, voice still raspy.
“Looking for the house.” Minji answers, hunched over to check the street numbers. The car goes by slowly as she and Hanni try to find their home for the summer. “Did we pass it?”
“No, it’s 657, we’re at 125,” Hanni mutters, eyes sharp. “It’s on the right side.”
“Why are these numbers so small?” Minji grunts.
“Get better glasses.”
Minji removes her sunglasses for the first time since she started driving and immediately regrets it. “Fuck, it’s bright.”
Hanni laughs at her. “Put them back on, idiot, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
Minji obeys immediately.
Haerin watches their back and forth and smiles sleepily. Whatever had been going on with them seemed to have been fixed on the road, somehow. She lets them do their thing and looks down at Danielle, not really knowing how to proceed with her conundrum.
She could ask Hyein to help, she supposed, but this feels like something she needed to solve on her own.
“Unnie,” Haerin starts with a simple call. Somehow Danielle had squeezed herself underneath Haerin’s arms, so now she doesn’t really know how to position them without giving Danielle an impromptu hug. Haerin shakes her slightly, then. “Unnie, we’re here.”
This does make Danielle move, but she only nuzzles further into Haerin’s chest with a deep sigh. Haerin thinks it’s intentional. It has to be, because Danielle wouldn’t miss this chance to cuddle, but in the off-chance that she really is just dreaming about her teddy bear, Haerin doesn’t want to startle her awake.
The car is clearly moving through a cobblestone street from the way it rumbles, but the lull is soft, and Haerin is almost falling back asleep herself. When nothing seems to work on her older friend, she turns to Hyein finally.
“Can you help… Ah.” Haerin clams up when she sees that Hyein was out again.
Well, then.
She looks back down. It’s almost funny the way Danielle had spent her whole adrenaline reserve at the very beginning of their trip when nothing exciting had even begun to happen. The girl was sunshine and rainbows, a natural conversationalist, but lacked control and planning when it came to the simplest things. Haerin chuckles a little.
She brings one hand up to scratch at Danielle’s curls, and it feels nostalgic. Danielle had been trying to get her hair to curl naturally for months now, and the results were beautiful. The first time Haerin saw her like that she spent the day playing with her hair. Caressing her again like this brings back memories, and she knows it doesn’t really help to wake the girl up, but they still have some time before they actually park the car.
Closing her eyes, Haerin gets lost in the soft feeling and falls back asleep.
--
The house is fantastic.
The first thing that welcomes them is the large glass table in the living room with a note from the owners that says, “We hope you enjoy your stay!” in bright, red letters. The elderly couple are acquainted with Minji’s parents and didn’t mind renting the house to five teenagers after hearing how well-behaved Mrs. Kim’s daughter and her friends were. Minji feels a sense of responsibility in keeping the place tidy, but she can’t stop herself from gasping at the sheer height of the ceiling when they first walk in.
The second thing that catches their eye is the balcony across the living room, behind a sliding glass door. Danielle is the first one to remove her shoes and run towards it with her bag in hands and everything.
She slides the doors open and breathes in the fresh air. “It smells like the sea!”
No one has a smart retort to this, still hypnotized by the place. They walk in slowly after taking off their shoes and gently place their bags on the brown couch next to a fireplace. Hanni and Haerin crouch next to it like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen one in person.
“Can we roast marshmallows here?” Hanni asks, looking up at Minji who had walked up to them.
“No,” Is the first thing the oldest girl says, but then backtracks. “…If we’re careful.”
“We’ll be so careful.” Hanni blinks at her like a fawn.
“Guys!” Hyein interrupts with a yell from upstairs. “There are three floors in this house.”
“What?!” The four girls say in unison, scrambling to see it for themselves.
The second floor is where the bedrooms are located – three separate rooms with a single bed each for visitors, and a bathroom at the end of the hallway. The floor matches the one from the living room, sandy in color and smooth to the touch. Minji makes a mental note to scold anyone who dares to stain that beautiful thing.
“Dibs on the room closest to the bathroom!” Hyein raises her hand and Danielle whines loudly.
“No! I was going to say that…”
“Too late, it’s mine now.” And to prove her point, Hyein throws herself on the bed without a care in the world. The sheets were pristine and green.
Each room had different colors for the beds, but pretty much the exact layout – a wardrobe on the wall to the right, a desk and a chair in front of a window, and a ceiling fan to help everyone survive the summer. There were no carpets in the house, probably due to the brine from the sea that was so incredibly close they could almost hear the waves lapping against the sand, but each room had its own cute rug by the foot of the bed.
“What’s up there?” Hanni asks, already climbing the last set of stairs.
Haerin follows close and gasps when the attic comes into view.
It’s another bedroom, huge and clearly meant for the owners of the place when they came over in their youth. The wardrobes are double in size and there’s a private bathroom at the very back of the room, but these things barely register in Haerin’s eyes. She’s almost breathless upon laying eyes on the queen-sized bed that faces a huge ceiling window. Laying there sounded like heaven. There’s also a couch by the sky opening, perfect for reading with the natural sunlight.
“Stars,” Danielle’s voice is impossibly soft next to Haerin suddenly, and she turns to look at her with questioning eyes. Dani is staring at the window with awe. “I bet you can see the stars from here at night.”
“Oh,” Warmth blooms in Haerin’s chest like it usually does when she hears the way Danielle addresses nature with so much reverence and love. “That’s true.”
“We should come and check it out tonight,” Minji smiles too, and the five girls take this moment to bask in the sunlight bathing the entire room. It feels surreal to have this place all to themselves.
“Well!” With a clap, Danielle breaks the gentle atmosphere. “Rooms, later. Beach, now.”
And usually no one likes taking orders from Danielle Marsh, but the reminder that this is their summer vacation at the beach flips a switch in all of them at the exact same time, and suddenly five girls are exchanging gazes and dashing downstairs with giggles that turn into screams that turn into a competition to see who can get their feet wet first. They don’t change clothes, not yet, and Hyein only stops to open her bag and grab her camera. Hanni almost leaves home without shoes on, Minji barely remembers to lock the door because she’s being left behind, and Haerin laughs like a child trying to catch up to Danielle, who is already far ahead out on the street because she has not once failed to answer nature’s call.
Hyein starts filming as soon as she can, but they’re all running and the video captures absolutely nothing.
It's summer.
--
The house is two streets away from the ocean.
There is barely anyone lunging around on the beach this close to lunchtime at the very beginning of summer vacations, so when Danielle finally faces the emptiness of the open water, she has to stop. It’s too big and too beautiful. She stretches her arms wide, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. The salt immediately invades her lungs.
It reminds her of home before she moved and home became the suburbs and Hanni Pham.
It’s windy but warm, and Danielle wants to hug empty air. Her cheeks hurt from smiling so hard and suddenly a ringing sound catches her ears. She turns to look and sees a street vendor pushing his cart towards her, selling toys that blow bubbles.
She wastes no time, “Excuse me, sir! Can I get five of these?”
It’s Hanni who reaches her first, breathless and laughing her lungs out. It’s messy, and way too hot to be wearing shoes with socks, but her newfound advantage in the hair department counterbalances the temperature. She catches her best friend haggling with an old man in khakis and frowns at the scene. When Danielle is finally done, she turns around, holding an obnoxious amount of toys in hands.
“The hell is that?” Hanni asks, reaching for one.
“Youth. Memories. Nostalgia and joy.” Danielle answers. “How do these things work?”
“Girl, you bought them.” But Hanni fidgets with the object until it lights up. “Oh! I figured it out.”
The toys are shaped like colorful cartoon guns, and Hanni points hers to the sky and shoots. There’s a vibrating noise, and then bubbles fly into the air. Danielle yelps with excitement, jumping on the spot like a child.
“What’s this?” Hyein comes into view with her camera in hand, filming the two friends as they play. “That’s so cute!”
“I bought one for each one of us,” Danielle offers the younger girl a toy like the very picture of Mrs. Claus. Hyein takes hers and tries to film herself shooting bubbles from her point of view. The laugh that comes out of her chest is so honest that the camera shakes, carelessly.
Finally Minji and Haerin join, confused as they’re greeted by bubbles and laughter. Danielle gives them their toys and they exchange gazes, holding the plastic objects awkwardly in their hands. Danielle rolls her eyes and doesn’t believe she has to explain how to have fun.
“Just blow some bubbles, sillies.”
Haerin does and is immediately enchanted. Danielle laughs at the way she can almost see the girls’ pupils dilating with the new discovery. With Hanni and Hyein battling it out behind them, their spot is soon taken over by soap bubbles and joy. Danielle jumps right in the middle of their duel, twirling like a water fairy and taking the spotlight. Haerin joins them to shoot more bubbles at Danielle, who decides to start singing something from her early years at musical theater.
It’s a charming sight. Minji stays behind to watch all this with a fond glint in her eyes. She has yet to blow any bubbles.
It’s with a bit of a delay that she finds her eyes gravitating towards Hanni, and only realizes where she’s looking when the girl in question smiles back at her. She points her gun at Minji, shoots a few bubbles, and blows the plastic muzzle like a cowboy in a movie. Pretending to place the gun back in her belt, Hanni lifts one eyebrow as a challenge.
And, well, Minji was never one to back down from Hanni Pham’s challenges.
She gets in position, legs wide and arms even wider. Hanni’s smile grows and she mirrors Minji, their duel set to begin at midday in this old, wild west. None of them move, waiting for an opening. Minji feels sweat sliding down her neck but is too busy analyzing her opponent to care. She doesn’t take her eyes off Hanni for a moment; in situations like this, even the smallest details can save your life. The two girls don’t know what the sign is going to be, but they wait for it patiently.
And then, the street vendor rings his bell as he walks away.
Minji and Hanni waste no time, pulling their guns and shooting at the same time.
“Ugh!” It’s Hanni who grabs her chest dramatically, knees buckling as she falls on the concrete.
Minji simply twirls her gun coolly, blows the imaginary smoke away, and tucks it in her shorts.
The moment lasts one second before she laughs. She laughs so hard that she almost cries. There is something light in her happiness, like it belongs on Minji’s face. Hanni thinks she would lose a thousand times if it meant seeing it more often.
Catching her breath, Minji walks up to Hanni and offers a hand to help her up. “Not this time, partner.”
Hanni groans and dies a bit more before snorting an ugly laugh. She takes Minji’s hand. Both their palms are sweaty and gross.
“Don’t worry, I have plenty of time on this trip to get you.” Hanni says, getting up.
“Yeah?” Minji’s grin shows teeth and her eyes soften. “Maybe you were just born to lose to me.”
“Well, you see, the thing about fate,” Hanni explains. “Is that it’s meant to be challenged.”
And it’s so corny and lame that Minji just chuckles out a sure.
Danielle finishes singing her song. Haerin claps and Hyein cheers, having captured the whole show with her camera. Danielle just bows to her dear audience like the star she was meant to be. And then, without warning, she turns away from everyone and dashes across the sand, shoes and all.
“Ocean!” Is all Dani says, blowing out bubbles on her way.
The four girls follow her, yelling, and if Hanni and Minji are still holding hands throughout this whole ordeal, it’s just how things are.
--
The water is freezing when it hits Hanni’s ankles. She flinches, shoulders going up to her ears and toes curling, burying in the sand as the wave pulls back. She sinks a little more each time, the earth swallowing her little by little until nothing is left but a memory of a girl who existed for the four people who would remember her.
Losing herself in the sound of her girls a few meters behind her, Hanni enjoys the beach. Hyein narrates their adventures to the camera, telling the story of their matching uniforms – how it was her idea to pretend they were all in the same grade in their trip together, kind of like a friendship bracelet of sorts – and trying to capture all she could of this vacation with her lens. It would be a fun present to bring back home to their parents, and Hanni thinks Hyein had been trying to tinker a little more with video these days to pursue a career in entertainment. She’s still young, entering high school next year, but her commitment to her future is admirable. When Hanni hears the way Hyein exaggerates her stories, she smiles involuntarily.
Sudden wet steps by her side make Hanni perk up. Danielle doesn’t even cringe at the water, having gotten used to it a lot quicker than any of them. She’s holding her hair up as she approaches Hanni, and stops next to her to stare at the ocean with her best friend.
“The sea is a lot colder than I remember.” Danielle says, swinging side by side to unbury her feet with each lap of the waves.
“Every ocean is the same temperature.” Hanni speaks whatever comes to mind, looking at the bright horizon.
Danielle blinks, eyebrows knitted. “No, they’re not.”
“I think they are.”
“Aren’t you, like, going to college?” The question is valid and Danielle worries for a genuine moment. “Wasn’t geography on your entrance exam?”
All that comes out as a response is a noncommittal hum from Hanni. She looks down at her feet, ankles totally gone. She’s already short, and Dani feels even taller by her side now that quicksand is claiming her. Hanni grasps the hem of her white, sand-spotted shirt, and lets it go. She does it again a few more times until she can see it creasing, and feels some sort of twisted satisfaction in the way a few gestures can ruin something perfect.
“Maybe I won’t go to college, then.” Hanni finds herself saying in a low voice.
“Say that again?” Danielle responds.
Hanni shakes her head. “Nothing. Just…” She trails off with a sigh and blinks awake, finally unburying her feet. She moves her body, rotating joints and cracking fingers to really snap out of it. “Man, I’m getting hungry.”
“Hanni.”
And that tone gets her. It gets her good, because Danielle Marsh is her best friend and never talks to her like that unless she’s worried for her life, which she might as well be from the way she’s looking at Hanni now. Hanni could laugh. She knows Danielle so well it hurts, but that will also be her downfall one day, she thinks, because their friendship has always been a two-way street. So when Hanni happens – not Hanni unnie – the reaction is so instantaneous that it makes her dizzy.
Hanni has never, ever lied to Danielle in her whole life.
She doesn’t know how to begin now.
Throwing herself into Danielle’s arms would be so easy, and that’s why she doesn’t do it. Because a few hours ago she had cut her hair and left home without saying goodbye to her parents, and Hanni needs more time before she can spill her guts on Dani’s lap.
“It’s summer.” Hanni settles for that, the words familiar. “Can I at least have summer?”
Danielle stares at her until Hanni feels the tips of her ears burning from so much love being poured onto her.
“Just… give me some time.” Hanni adds as a last call for mercy.
With much, much effort, Danielle relents.
“Fine,” She says with no joy in her voice. “But if you don’t tell me what’s wrong after this, I’m going to hunt you down.”
Hanni’s muscles relax and she chuckles, “Fair enough.”
“Hey.”
Looking back up, Hanni sees Dani’s face contorting into something different – and a little scary, because it’s an expression she’s never seen on her.
“I’m your best friend, right?” Danielle asks.
There is no hesitation this time when Hanni answers, “Of course you are.”
It’s the only universal truth in this world.
It seems to be the right thing to say. Danielle becomes herself again, and then she’s grabbing Hanni’s hand and pulling her along the beach for an impromptu jog on the water. The giggles that follow feel and sound like home.
--
They hadn’t bought food to cook back at the house yet, so a restaurant is the only viable option for lunch. Minji is the one who picks it, taking into consideration what Hyein had mentioned about ramen by the beach back in the car. The place is small and cozy, filled with locals, which is always a good sign. When the five girls enter, a nice woman greets them and waits patiently until they pick their ramen of choice.
“I’ll have the… pork. No! Chicken. No! Pork.” A clumsy Hyein tries to read the menu with her camera in hand and doesn’t manage to do either very well. “Unnies, you go first.”
The order is placed, with Haerin being the only one who really orders something different, and Hyein just follows the older girls. Leaning back on her chair happily, she starts filming properly.
“So, guys,” She speaks to her audience, camera turned to herself. “We’re here at the beach, and guess what we’re going to eat on our very first day?”
“Aren’t we all eating ramen?” Danielle answers and gets an elbow to her ribs.
“She’s talking to the video, get a grip, Marsh.” Minji hushes her.
“Rude.” Danielle rubs the sore spot but tries not to ruin Hyein’s documentary.
“That’s right, ramen! We all ordered the same thing, except for…” Hyein turns the camera towards Haerin with a grin. “Haerin unnie! But I don’t think she did it on purpose.”
Unaccustomed to the spotlight, Haerin says nothing and tries to hide behind Danielle. She grabs a fistful of curly hair to cover herself, and Dani shields her from the terrible woes of fame.
“Please, ma’am, no filming. She’s an endangered species, we’re trying to protect it.”
The other girls snort, but Hyein follows the improv like a pro. “I thought we were allowed to film at the safari?”
“Oh, snap.” Minji mumbles, eyes on Danielle for her rebuttal.
“I mean, if you’re ready to accept the consequences of a wild cat attack…” Danielle doesn’t back down, and to everyone’s surprise, it’s Haerin who comes out of her hidden spot to end the gag.
“Rawr.”
It’s so unexpected that laughter sweeps the table, and Hyein has to struggle to keep the camera rolling.
The service is slow at the beach, so by the time their dishes finally arrive, the five girls are starving. They thank the nice waitress and dig in, wincing in unison when the hot broth hits their tongues. The silence is absolute among starving teenagers, only broken by wild slurping and satisfied groans of delight. Hyein only remembers to film herself eating when she’s halfway done.
“Oh, shit,” Minji speaks up suddenly, mouth full of ramen. “We forgot to call our parents when we arrived.”
Danielle shrugs, swallowing a huge slice of pork. “It’s fine, we can do it back at the house.”
“I told my dad I would probably not call him right away.” Haerin adds.
“My mom is cool with it, too.” Hyein agrees.
Hanni doesn’t say anything.
Minji lifts her eyes up from her bowl at the lack of response, but it’s like Hanni hasn’t even heard her. She shifts her gaze to Danielle then, because it’s what she does when Hanni feels off, but all she sees is Dani playing with her bamboo shoots for a moment with a neutral expression. These details give away nothing. Minji wonders if she’s just imagining things.
(A deep part of her that’s always attuned to Hanni screams otherwise, but it’s not her place to intrude.)
“Well, my mom is probably freaking out.” Minji resumes the conversation and drinks the rest of her broth with both hands. “So, eat faster.”
No one really quickens their pace, but Danielle looks at her and picks up her bowl to drink the rest of it up as well. “If I puke all over you, it’s your fault.”
“If you puke all over me, I’ll give you to Hanni Pham.” Minji replies.
Hanni looks up like a startled rabbit. “Ew! Why me?”
And Minji grins when she says, “Best friend perks.”
She doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to say, but Hanni looks a little brighter when she’s teased, and when Dani gets up to wrap her arms around her neck and pretend to vomit all over her new hair, Hanni yelps in disgust and everything feels right in the world.
--
They don’t, in fact, go home right away. Hanni reminds them that there’s no food in the house for dinner, so Minji stops on her tracks in the middle of the street and sighs dramatically, turning around on her heels. What follows is ten minutes of them searching for a convenience store, which is not far either because everything in this city seems to be perfectly located, and then they’re grabbing whatever frozen food looks less poisonous for their meal.
Danielle wants to fill a basket with vegetables, but it proves to be unviable considering they’ll have to drag all of it on foot due to their lack of planning, and thinking about carrying weight under the sun makes her change her mind pretty quickly. Hanni finds five frozen lasagnas and doesn’t think twice. Haerin comes back with juice boxes, Hyein meets them with a handful of snacks, and Minji just pretends to care about their health for two seconds before she’s agreeing with all of their choices.
Finally back at the house and with all the edible things in the fridge, Minji stumbles her way to the phone at the kitchen counter.
Everyone else is too tired to think, so they just throw themselves on the couch. The adrenaline of the trip was finally catching up to them, and the accidental cuddle pile in the living room is comfortable enough for all of them to take a nap on top of each other.
Hanni falls asleep first. She feels the breeze blowing from the balcony that Danielle forgot to close when they left, and it’s refreshing. The sea is far away but she can catch the sound of the waves without all the chatter, and it lulls her to sleep. She doesn’t wake up until a lot later.
When she does, she’s alone. The girls had moved upstairs from the sound of muffled conversation, and it’s dark out. Someone had turned on the cozy yellow lamp on a table near the fireplace, knowing that Hanni wouldn’t want to wake up in total darkness, and she sighs with a stretch. Sitting up, Hanni rubs her eyes and looks around, still a bit dizzy.
“What time is it…” She mumbles to herself taking a look at the clock in the kitchen.
She slept for five hours. No wonder her neck hurt.
Hanni leans back on the couch with a sigh, gathering her strength. The balcony was still wide open but the warmth never left. She hears a squeal from upstairs and recognizes Danielle’s voice. It’s nice to know she’s not truly alone.
Her mind wanders and she remembers the last thing she heard before falling asleep – Minji’s voice talking to her parents to let them know everyone had arrived safely. She really gave them a rundown of everything that had happened after getting to the beach, from the house to the bubbles to the ramen. Her relationship with her parents was enviable, and Hanni’s chest feels heavy at the thought. She wonders if the other girls had called their folks, too.
She wonders what her mom and dad were thinking since she hasn’t called.
Rationally, Danielle’s parents had already told them that Hanni was safe and sound, but she couldn’t know until she grabbed that phone and dialed. The thought makes her insides churn and she remembers the cold metal of the scissors biting into her skin that very morning. Unconsciously, Hanni scratches her nape. Her eyes drift to the phone on the counter. She had a choice to make.
(Her choice had been made for her three days ago. She remembers it and burns.)
Soft steps come downstairs and Hanni turns to look.
Minji stops when she realizes that Hanni is awake. “Oh, hey. Morning.”
“Morning,” Hanni replies with a raspy voice and a sleepy smile. “What are you guys doing?”
“Playing cards.” Minji replies, walking until she’s at the bottom of the stairs. She doesn’t close their distance more than that. “Did you just wake up?”
“Mhm.” Hanni nods. “I was just relaxing for a bit. I’ll join you soon.”
“Okay,” A pause. Minji doesn’t really move to leave. “We’ve been eating the snacks, so we’re not really hungry, but… if you are, we can come down and keep you company and stuff.”
Hanni shakes her head. “I’m okay. Thanks.”
“Alright.” With an awkward kick to her own foot, Minji still stays there. “Man, this house is pretty big.”
It sounds a bit off. Like she’s just making shit up to keep talking to Hanni. The thought makes her chuckle because it’s unlikely. “Are you tired of going up and downstairs?”
“There are no stairs in my house, so, maybe.” Minji leans against the rail, arms crossed. “Hyein has been filming like crazy. Her battery ran out and she almost cried.”
“Did she not bring a charger?” Hanni asks.
“She did, but it was still funny.” Minji smirks.
“Don’t make fun of her, she’s a kid.”
“I feel like we all are.” Minji responds, and immediately cringes at herself. “Okay, no, that was lame.”
Hanni laughs. “Yeah. You’re so lame.”
“Fuck you.”
They bask in each other, the silence amicable. Hanni is grateful for this magical moment that seems to put out the flames inside of her as the breeze runs through her locks and the moisture clings to her skin like a blanket. The yellow lamp hits all the right angles of Minji’s face and Hanni doesn’t really see a kid when she looks at her.
If she fixates too much on what she sees, she will tear her ribs out.
“Hey,” Minji speaks up again after a moment. “Is everything okay?”
It’s a little bit of a shock. Hanni could understand when Dani confronted her earlier because she truly had tripped and fallen right into a trap of her own making, but Minji realizing that something was wrong when she’d given her nothing makes Hanni’s heart climb up her throat.
“Ah— Yeah. I’m okay.” The answer doesn’t even sound convincing to herself. “Why, do I look sick?”
“No, I just…” Minji kicks the floor nonchalantly. “I don’t know, back at the restaurant, you kinda felt off for a bit there.”
It kills her, sometimes, how honest Minji is. How she’s not ashamed of admitting just how much she pays attention to Hanni, in ways that are so subtle that she doesn’t even realize, and Hanni thinks, just how many times did Minji look at me when I wasn’t here? Hanni could joke about that, but it makes her so genuinely happy that she doesn’t know how to hide a stupid grin.
“It’s nothing.” Hanni settles for that and hops off the couch before she melts into it. “Thanks for caring, though.”
“I don’t care,” Minji obviously replies. “Gross.”
“Okay.” And because Hanni will implode if she receives more kindness from anyone else, she walks up to Minji and jumps until she’s right on her face. It’s a sure proof way to make the girl back off.
Or it would be, if her relationship with Minji hadn’t been teetering on the edge of something in these last few, agonizing months.
Minji doesn’t move away. Her eyes simply roam, as if taking in all of Hanni in this rare chance she gets to truly look at her.
“Hanni,” She says, in a low voice. “You know you can talk to me, right?”
It ruins her.
Kim Minji is tall, and beautiful, and sometimes Hanni thinks she’s the air in her goddamn lungs, and not for the first time she needs to nail her feet on the ground, because it would take a single tiptoe to push her heart off the edge and claim something that she’s absolutely not equipped to deal with as a good girl.
Every nerve, muscle, hair, atom in her body scream when Hanni lets her eyes flicker downwards for a fraction of a second before she’s stepping back with her hands behind her back.
“Let’s go play cards.”
Whatever look Minji gives her as she climbs two steps at a time will be a mystery she will carry to her grave, together with the key she used to lock away her heart.