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One of the youngest leaders in K-Pop.
That sounded like such a compliment. A huge honor. An amazing achievement. A feat like no other.
And Jungwon did somehow agree with such ideas and would forever be thankful to have been entrusted with such a responsibility. He’s also always, always, always thankful to his members for trusting his leadership and supporting him, and for the fans who believe in him with all their hearts.
Along with the joys and honor of having such a title or position also comes the hardships. There’s the pressures of having to “represent” your group, shouldering burdens that may not be visible to the public, taking the blame from antis and haters, or simply having to fulfill both spoken and unspoken expectations.
It comes with pros and cons, Jungwon thinks, and the young male is somewhat glad that he has a strong personality and the mental toughness to power through despite the struggles.
But there are days when he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’d like to release that burden and be a bit transparent. Maybe openly express his exhaustion without having to feel guilty over showing a “weaker side” or disappointing him members and fans. To not be the strong one for a moment. That maybe he’s not ok and would like to take it easy.
And for once — with their insanely packed schedules, ever-growing popularity (which obviously comes with numerous attacks from haters), and non-stop practices — Jungwon actually feels the burn-out catching up to him in the form of weariness, exhaustion, and maybe a little anxiety.
What if he’s getting sloppy at being a leader? If he feels this worn-out, does that mean he’s not fulfilling his role as leader? What if he’s not doing such a good job anymore? What if I let them down?
He also sees the exhaustion with his members; the way they fall asleep at any location whenever they can, even for just a minute. The way they space out while having meals. The way they’re extremely silent on the car rides back to the dorm.
What if his exhaustion is influencing their mood and making them feel glum?
It’ll pass, I’ll be fine, Jungwon tells himself and tries to shrug off his predicament with forced smiles and well-trained professionalism.
And for a few days, it does work for him. He continues to power through their hectic schedules and even sees a lighter atmosphere with the members whenever they practice, as if the initial exhaustion wasn’t even there to begin with.
But you know what they say about toxic positivity, or “faking it” as a temporary fix — it is, at the end of the day, still temporary.
So when Jungwon is with Jay in one of the studio rooms and gets into a small argument about how a certain arrangement should be done, things snowball.
They both have great ideas and suggestions, but neither the older member or the young leader wants to give in. Jungwon is stubborn, Jay is stubborn. They both know what they want, but they also know when to balance things out.
Which is why Jungwon’s burned-out mind fails to understand why Jay won’t just surrender and let his idea win for this instance.
Jungwon knows that Jay is calmly and rationally explaining things once more, but the wave of exhaustion tickles his brain and tells him to do something irrational.
He snaps. He says some things that he surely didn’t mean. Not with a raised voice, but surely with that leader-look and cold eyes.
And Jay being Jay takes it with composure, pressing his lips in a tight line as he curtly nods and mumbles a low “ok, fine, let’s do that”. If he was hurt or offended by the younger’s outburst, he doesn’t show it so as to not worry the younger or make things more tense.
But Jungwon knows his hyung, and he sees the flicker of pain in the older male’s eyes before they hide somewhere to make way for the relaxed sparkle that masks Jay’s hurt.
They resume their practices and discussions for the rest of the day, and while Jay acts like nothing happened so that the other members don’t suspect anything, Jungwon can’t help but feel the tightening in his chest over what transpired. The guilt was eating him from within, and he knew he needed to fix things as soon as possible.
But as soon as they arrive at the dorm building, Jay makes a beeline for his dorm with Heeseung, Sunghoon, and Ni-ki. So Jungwon lets him be, knowing that his hyung probably needed his personal time to simmer down from their tiring day.
Thankfully, a light and pleasant dinner with Sunoo and Jake in their dorm manages to relieve Jungwon of some stress as he finds himself laughing over the two older members’ antics.
When they’ve each retreated to their rooms, Jungwon gets showered and changes into his Peach John pajamas — he really likes these and would definitely spend the whole day in bed, lazing around if he could.
Afterwards, he checks the clock and sees that it’s pretty late already, but still early enough for Jay to be up.
Hyung’s probably watching cooking videos right now, Jungwon thinks to himself before plopping onto his bed and unlocking his phone.
He boldly types a short message and hits the send button before his anxious mind tells him otherwise.
Jungwon: Hyung, are you busy?
Jay’s reply comes about 10 minutes later.
Jay: Nope, why?
Jungwon bites his lip, contemplating his next reply. Quite frankly, he wasn’t expecting Jay to respond especially if he was still upset about what happened earlier.
Jungwon: Can I come over?
Jungwon: I need to talk to youJay: Ok
Jay: 😊
And when Jungwon knocks on the other dorm’s door, it only takes a few seconds for Jay to open it. There, by the doorway, stands his beloved hyung in matching Peach John pajamas; the sight tugs a small smile on Jungwon’s lips, as it does with Jay’s as well.
“Stop copying me,” Jay lightly teases with an easy smile, “copycat.”
Jungwon breathlessly chuckles, and though he wants to joke back, he ends up looking at the floor shyly. So much for having the whole speech in your head, he thinks to himself.
Sensing his unease, Jay gestures for Jungwon to come inside before they head for the older male’s room. On the way there, Jungwon can see Heeseung hanging out in Ni-ki’s room to play video games while Sunghoon’s door is half-closed as he watches some shows on Netflix.
Once inside Jay’s room, the older male gestures for the leader to sit on the bed while he occupies the chair by his computer.
“So,” Jungwon starts once he’s seated on the bed, “about earlier today…”
Jay nods while humming, allowing Jungwon to continue his words.
“I’m really for what I said, hyung.” the leader says, “I didn’t mean any of that, I promise. I just…let the emotions get to me. Still, I know that’s not an excuse, so I’m really sorry if I offended you.”
Jay offers a small smile, “It’s fine, Jungwon. I mean, it did sting a bit, but you know me. It doesn’t get to me that much, and I know it was a ‘heat of the moment’ thing, so don’t be too hard on yourself, ok?”
Jungwon looks down at his hands clasped together, “Still, hyung. I feel horrible. You didn’t deserve to hear that.”
“Apology accepted,” the older male smiles a bit wider, “so don’t punish yourself over it anymore, hm?”
Jungwon once again wonders why Jay is so understanding and patient. He wonders why this man was just too nice for such a complicated and stressful world.
“Ok.” Jungwon says, and while he doesn’t intend it to be so, his voice comes out shaky.
If Jungwon knows his Jay hyung, the same can be said for the older member — he knows his Jungwon.
Jay leans forward on the chair, resting his elbows on his knees as he peers into the younger’s round eyes. “Is there anything else, Wonie?” he whispers softly, “Tell hyung.”
And that’s all it takes for the young leader to finally crumble, tears falling from his eyes and trailing down his cheeks. Jungwon tries to stop it but ends up sobbing instead, closing his eyes and pursing his lips as he tries to keep it together. The sight squeezes Jay’s heart, and he can’t help but furrow his brows in concern — he knows Jungwon’s probably one of the strongest members, but even he knows that his leader feels the fatigue and stress.
And to see the meltdown right before his own eyes? It pained him.
So he leaves his spot on the chair and takes a seat next to Jungwon on the bed, wrapping an arm around the leader’s shoulders. His other hand guides Jungwon’s head to rest on his chest, thumb brushing the tears away.
“What’s bothering you, baby?” Jay whispers once more, kissing the top of the younger male’s head.
“I’m really sorry.” Jungwon sniffs, fingers idly playing with the cat patterns on Jay’s pajama pants, “It’s been so stressful and tiring, and I took it all out on you. I don’t know. I just…it’s been so difficult lately and I feel like everything’s just overwhelming, but I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m trying to stay strong for everyone, but I just…I’m tired, hyung.”
Jungwon then slowly cranes his neck so that he could look up at Jay, “Hyung, I’m really tired but I don’t want to burden anyone with that.”
“And why is that?” Jay asks with kindness.
“Because…I’m your leader. I have to be strong so that I can support everyone. I feel like I’m letting you all down if I show that I’m not…you know, doing ok.”
“Jungwon, baby.” Jay wipes a few more stray tears away before continuing, “Just because you’re the leader, doesn’t mean you can’t feel these things. You have every right to be tired, weak, and burned out just as any of us do. You’re human, not a robot. You don’t always have to be strong.”
There’s a small pout on the young leader’s lips as he mumbles, “I just don’t want to let any of you down.”
“You’d never, Jungwon. Showing that you’re tired and stressed doesn’t make you any less of a leader, ok? It doesn’t make you any less of a person either. You’re the most passionate and hardworking person ever, so let yourself rest too. Take breaks, have some me-time, or even cry if you need to.”
“Mhmm.”
“And…” Jay taps the tip of Jungwon’s nose before chuckling, “don’t forget that I’m here for you, alright? You need to talk to someone, I’m here. You need someone to lean on, I’m here. You wanna rant or scream or cry, I’m here. You don’t feel like being strong, then be weak with me. It’s ok.”
Jungwon’s eyes get teary again, so he buries his face at the crook of Jay’s neck. “Hyung, stop it. You’re so cheesy.” he tries to joke, but Jay knows he’s just trying not to cry again.
He laughs, lightly massaging the younger’s nape and allowing him to breathe a little. After a minute or two, he pulls away just enough for them to see eye-to-eye.
“Promise you’ll come to me — or any of the members — instead of keeping it to yourself?” Jay whispers, pressing a loving kiss to the corner of Jungwon’s lips.
The leader nods, smiling warmly, “Promise, hyung.”
“Good.”
Jay then pecks his lips before pulling the younger male into his arms for a tighter hug. Jungwon circles his arms around Jay’s torso, breathing in the older male’s scent and basking in the comfort of his embrace. Jay soothingly rubs his back, so Jungwon gently nuzzles his face against the elder’s chest and breathes a sigh of relief. Jay’s hugs always felt like heaven; Jungwon feels all the exhaustion leave his body, heart finally free as he melts in his hyung’s arms.
After a few more minutes, Jungwon looks up at Jay and kisses his jaw before smiling, “Can I sleep here tonight? I’ll text Sunoo hyung and Jake hyung just so they know.”
“Of course, baby.”
And so Jay and Jungwon lay on the bed, limbs all over each other like tangled strings as they get comfortable under the sheets. Jungwon’s head is immediately nestled by the crook of Jay’s neck, and the older male’s arms make haste in securing Jungwon’s waist. Not a single molecule of air can invade the space between the two with how closely they’re pressed together at this point.
Jungwon likes it that way — it’s safe, comfortable, and familiar.
“And when I read those things, I got really annoyed.” Jungwon rants, animatedly recalling how appalled he was when he saw hate posts on Twitter and Weverse, “I try not to let it affect me, but I just don’t get how people can say such things. What’s the matter with them?”
Jay frowns, sympathizing, “Well, we can’t really get rid of haters. It’s upsetting, but they’re probably miserable and trying to feel better by dragging us down.”
Jungwon cutely pouts before scrunching his face into an expression of disapproval. Jay lightly chuckles before reaching over to brush a few strands of Jungwon’s bangs away from his face.
“Does it get to you? Do you believe what they say?” he asks, clearly concerned.
Jungwon hums, untangling his leg from Jay’s so he could throw it across the older male’s hips, like in a koala-clings-to-a-tree kind of way.
“I don’t. I know myself and I know our members.” the younger male explains, “Their claims are ridiculous, but there’s that bit that just gets to you. It doesn’t hurt, but it wears you down. You know what I mean?”
Jay rubs at the curve of Jungwon’s waist before squeezing gently. “Yeah, I get what you mean. It won’t stop us, but it still sucks seeing such words.”
“Well, they can keep hating. We’ll just prove them wrong.”
“Well said.”
A tranquil silence then surrounds the room, but before either male can doze off or anything, Jungwon shifts around until he’s carefully lying down on top of Jay. The older male’s response is instant, one arm lazily hanging across Jungwon’s waist to keep him in place.
Jungwon gently lifts himself just enough to look into Jay’s eyes, lightly patting the latter’s chest, “Hyung?”
“Hm?”
“About the arrangement…”
Jay chuckles; the argument they had earlier was long forgotten for him, and he honestly doesn’t mind if they went with Jungwon’s suggestion instead. “What about it?” he asks.
The young leader continues, “Let’s go through our ideas again tomorrow, then let’s see where we can compromise. Maybe we can take something from your ideas, some from mine, then combine them! We can get Heeseung hyung’s opinion too. What do you think?”
Ah, that’s my leader, Jay thinks to himself, a proud smile curling at his lips.
“I think…” Jay starts, pausing to kiss Jungwon’s chin before continuing, “that sounds good. If you think that’s what’s best, then we’ll go with that. I trust you.”
The grin on Jungwon’s face is instant. It’s dazzling and beautiful, and Jay feels an immense sense of pride knowing that he put that there. He adores Jungwon so much, after all.
“Ok, let’s do that.” Jungwon says with finality before laying his head on Jay’s chest.
Jungwon is still lying on top of him, so Jay gently rubs his back, movements calm and soothing. His hand then travels up and finds its spot at the back of Jungwon’s head. He tenderly caresses the younger’s hair and whispers, “Jungwon?”
“Hm?”
“You’re doing great.” Jay smiles lovingly, “You’re doing great as our leader and our member. You’re amazing as you are, ok?”
The younger male lifts his head from Jay’s chest to look at the latter with warm and thankful eyes, smile soft and fond. “Thank you, hyung.”
Jay then winks, lightly patting Jungwon’s butt once, “You see these cats on our pajamas? We’re like that, you and me — always there for each other.”
Jungwon grins fondly before he closes the gap and kisses Jay with all the love and warmth he can give. It’s tender and intimate. It’s home and safety in the form of a kiss. It’s probably the best feeling in the universe.
Jay pulls away briefly to smirk against Jungwon’s lips, finger tapping a spot on his pajama shirt, “I’ll be your rest when it gets too tiring, my beloved kitten.”
It takes a split-second for Jungwon to realize that “beloved kittens” was also written on their pajamas as part of the design.
He laughs brightly, round eyes sparkling before turning to crescents as they melt into Jay’s loving gaze.
Jungwon plants his hands on Jay’s chest, steadying himself while shifting just a bit closer to leave a peck on the elder’s lips, “I love you, hyung.”
“I love you too…”
Jungwon is about to kiss Jay again when the older male comically follows-up with a whisper.
“…my beloved kitten.”
Jungwon laughs again. Jay smirks proudly before leaning in to kiss the younger male. Jungwon kisses back, giddily smiling against the older male’s lips as he does so.
Jay definitely was Jungwon’s rest and solace. He’s definitely Jungwon’s comfort and safe space.
Oh, and he’s definitely Jungwon’s beloved kitten as well.