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“I've had enough! How come I'm always the only one who gets angry?!”
A thud echoed through the room. A loud and painful sound.
It only lasted for a brief moment, but his hand was still throbbing. He could feel it getting redder and redder, but he didn't feel any pain. At least, not from this.
Everything was still in place, as if nothing had happened. The table, the glasses, the plates. Everything in perfect order; intact and indifferent. It seemed they were mocking him, as if nothing had happened.
“That bastard…”
Ready to strike again, he raised his arm. That cutlery was taunting him, reminding him that just a few seconds ago everything was perfect.
The reminder that nothing had changed when everything had changed.
How was it possible that everything was still the same? He wanted it to go away. That pain inside him. To get out of him any way he could. Break the table, the dishes, everything.
If he was strong enough, maybe he could turn back time to a few moments. And if not, it would at least it would lessen the pain, for sure.
He really wanted to kick the table. But he knew he couldn't. He clenched his fist and brought his arm up even higher.
But then, he felt the opening of his hand and running their fingers through it.
One thumb inspected every nook and cranny of his palm, making sure there were no wounds or swelling. Slowly but surely, it ran over every part of his hand: the phalanx of her fingers, the back, the knuckles, the wrist, the lines of his palm that had his future written on them.
After a few seconds called eternities, he noticed how his hand was gently taken by the owner of that brush that had drawn that invisible path but which had melted into his skin.
Tatsuya looked deeply into Hiroto's eyes, sketching a warm smile.
Without a word leaving those lips, he had succeeded in making the anger that had overflowed his chest subside and his heart return to a calmer, quieter rhythm.
Hiroto wanted to lose himself in that gaze, in those eyes that shone like emeralds and made him forget everyone and everything. To hold his hand tighter, to embrace him until he felt how he melted into him, not letting him go for days, months or even years.
But no, he couldn't fall into that trap. Not after what he had told him.
“Tatsuya, are you really gonna accept?”
Another a shiver ran through his body. Until a few minutes ago, everything had seemed like a wonderful night. They were still sitting at the table. Hiroto had prepared his signature dish ‘rice with tomato and chicken’. And this time, everything looked edible and nothing had been burned, even though Tatsuya had scoffed that he didn't have enough ‘usami’ or whatever.
To think that just a few months ago he was still living in that gigantic mansion where he had all the servants in the world to prepare every meal. This small apartment in the suburbs and his attempt at food was better than that dining room full of quirky paintings and dishes prepared by Michelin-starred chefs, no matter how much the red-haired man complained about whether it had ‘usani’ or not.
When he received Tatsuya's message telling him to have dinner together, he was overjoyed. After weeks of working on his final project, he had managed to get a night off to visit him. Finally.
“I hope you won't say a word about it. Tonight is a special night. I've waited too long.”
He still wasn’t really keen on the fact that he was studying something or other about economics or management or whatever. He knew very well what his real passion was: science and astronomy. How he knew every detail of every star and constellation. He could spend hours telling the story of Deneb, Altair and Vega; finding them instantly as Hiroto listened to him on those summer nights.
“ It's the best way to find work later on. Just looking at the stars won't earn me a living. Besides, I can always study it on my own later. ”
Cheap excuses, trying to convince himself more than Hiroto himself.
He knew perfectly well the reason for not only that but all the sacrifices Tatsuya had made throughout his life. And it was the same someone who was back again to fuck his life all over again.
“Well, to fath... to Mr. Kir…”
“I don't care. Damn, you have your life, live it!”
Tatsuya fell silent again. He thought enough time had passed for Hiroto to have calmed down, but, out of nervousness he had used the forbidden word.
Father.
“They're finally going to get the old man out of there! You should have warned me earlier, this calls for a toast! I would have bought champagne or something to celebrate.”
It had been a long time since Hiroto had called Mr. Kira “dad” or “father”. He was just “old man”, “that man” and similar derogatory terms.
Tatsuya knew how much Hiroto hated his father. They had talked about it years ago. He understood the suffering and pain Kira had caused his biological son.
However, Tatsuya was sure that Kira Seijiro had done it because he really loved him. He had worked so hard to have enough money to give a good life not only to his children, but also to the children of the orphanage he cared for and loved so much.
It was because of him that he had lived the full life that he had now. A place to go, a place to belong. And that he would never forget.
He still considered him his one true father, whether or not they shared family or blood. But he knew he could never call him that in front of Hiroto.
It was truly a tragedy that seemed irreparable. As much as it weighed on him and as much as he had tried, Tatsuya understood that Hiroto could never forgive his father for leaving him alone for so many years. No matter how well-intentioned he might have been or how much affection he had for his son, it would not heal the deepest wounds.
He wanted to forget him and get away from him. He had renounced his family’s inheritance and left home as soon as he had the chance. Now he was living in an apartment that no average wage-earner salary could afford in 10 or 20 years’ time.
He had even found a good job, which allowed him to be independent of his family's fortune; although they knew very well that the surname ‘Kira’ was to blame for that.
"Finally, some benefit from having the old man's blood. At least in business this family name is good for something. Long live nepotism!”
Hiroto had remarked with laughter a few months ago, while they first sat down at that table. Things were still up to their sleeves after the big party with which he had celebrated his big move.
If it hadn't been for his ‘very charming’ neighbour, they would still have been there, but apparently ‘It wasn't the time to make that kind of fuss; let alone have a football match’. The words ‘I told you so’ were written all over Tatsuya's face as they sent off the 50 or so guests he had invited.
The parties, the late-night chats, Hiroto's strange culinary experiments. The place where there used to be so much happiness and laughter. Tatsuya just prayed that tonight wouldn't destroy all that joy.
“I hope he doesn’t drop by now that he has some free time. Are there any golf courses nearby? Maybe I should get him a bat for Christmas or something.”
He could have sworn he heard a quiet chuckle and a kind of sigh of relief? Could it be that Hiroto...?
He took a deep breath. Maybe that way, it was easier. Maybe not.
Either way, he had to finish what he'd started. There was no going back.
He had to be direct, before his assurance faded .
“Not yet”. He tried to use a serious voice, as he had when he was the captain and gave the orders, so many years ago. “Mr. Kira is only a few years away from retirement. So they want someone they can trust to get ready to take over the position soon, and they want me to be the one to do it.”
The bombshell.
Tatsuya hadn't even finished the sentence when he heard a fork fall onto the plate. All this time he hadn't had the courage to look Hiroto in the eye. He knew that his courage would vanish if he saw him for just a moment. He wouldn't have been able to articulate a word.
But that sound made him instinctively raise his eyes to find out what had happened.
Big mistake.
The curly eyes that a few seconds ago were full of brightness and happiness had become dark and without light. They were now empty eye sockets that stared at him with shock. It broke his soul as soon as he saw it.
He had put off telling him for so long not because of the anger or the rage he knew it would provoke in the gray-haired boy, but because of. That expression.
The expression of feeling the utter betrayal of the person you love the most.
A pain that he himself had provoked and the consequence of which felt as if an evil amulet had captured his soul and shattered it into a thousand pieces.
Hiroto's eyes closed. The millisecond where their gazes had met had been too much for both of them.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
One.
Two.
Three ticks of the clock plunged the room into absolute silence.
Say something, Hiroto, please .
Four.
Five.
Six.
Anything.
Seven.
Eight.
BOOM!
They stayed like that for a few moments. Sitting. At that table. United by silence and by their clasped hands.
Neither of them wanted to break this illusion.
They wanted to stay in that limbo where time did not pass. They knew that the first one to speak would end this fantasy. One word and the house of cards would collapse.
Maybe if they kept it up, the last few minutes would disappear. Maybe they could keep laughing, giggling about how the rice was too salty or how, no matter how much hair gel he used,his hair still had the characteristic waves instead of the professional straightness he was after.
Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come.
And he knew that he was the one who would tell that tragedy.
“Hiroto…”
“Since when?”
Tatsuya swallowed.
“Two weeks ago. Kira-san proposed the idea to me, and we've been testing the waters and talking to some investors. I still have to gain everyone’s trust and nothing is clear yet but-”.
“All…”.
Hiroto didn't finish the sentence, but Tatsuya knew exactly how it continued.
‘All this time and you haven't told me anything.’
He tightened his grip tighter.
“'It's just a possibility for now. It's not definite, and anyway, I was going to work at Kira Corporation anyway.”
“Because you're a father's ass-kisser.”
Breaking their bond, another slap moved the table, but this time from the redhead.
“It's what I want, Hiroto.”
“What do you want!? You are always sacrificing yourself for that old man who uses you at his pleasure.”
“You know that’s not true. Mr. Kira has never forced me to do anything.”
“And did he have to? You live your life as if you owe him everything and have to pay him just to exist. Even Hitomiko had to intervene to get you to play soccer again!”
“That wasn't the only reason, and you know it.”
Back to the stony silence.
Tatsuya looked down at his now free hands. He couldn't bear to have nothing, so he picked up the fork that was still on his plate.
He wanted to take Hiroto's hands again, to tell him that everything would be fine, that he was worried over a silly thing.
But he knew it was a lie, one he couldn’t tell to his face.
That what he had done was a point of no return.
The Kira Corporation had to go on. Without him, the Sun Garden orphanage could not continue to operate. These children also needed a future, a home.
Father had provided that without asking for anything in return. It was impossible for Hiroto to understand that, but Tatsuya did. Every sacrifice, every good deed he had done to provide that paradise for those he had stripped of their humanity.
Their welfare, their happiness, that's what really mattered.
He heard a jingling sound. The fork he had been fiddling with while he was absorbed in his thoughts had fallen to the floor.
He bent over to see where it had fallen. He didn't know how, but he had almost reached the other end of the table.
Well, at least it was a good excuse to get out of this dreary environment.
As he bent down to get under the table to reach the fork, he heard something unintelligible coming from Hiroto's mouth. Perhaps he was cursing inwardly?
He sighed. Hiroto was a very smart guy and, although he didn't want to admit it, he knew quite a lot about how the Japanese business world worked.
Surely he already knew everything, surely he already knew?
That's when he saw it. That glow. That drawing he knew by heart. That light that was the second most important thing in his life.
The summer triangle.
“... se, resing.”
I knew it, that little black box...
“Tatsuya, please. Resign.”
Looking up, he saw Hiroto there, in front of him under the table.
His eyes looked like they were about to burst into tears, as if tears were about to flow. Since when did everything look so blurry?
“...I can't, Hiroto.”
Not anymore. It was too late.
“They could look for someone else, anyone!”
Hiroto had grabbed him by the shirt and looked him in the eyes, pleading.
Tatsuya looked away and closed his eyes, wishing that this torture would end soon.
“This is the 21st century, why can't she be my sister? She's still the oldest!”
I'm sorry, Hiroto.
“Any of Don Sol's boys would be thrilled! Midorikawa or Saginuma or anyone! They'd have an enviable salary, I'm sure they'd accept in a heartbeat!”
Forgive me for being so selfish, Hiroto.
“Or any rich kid! If there are hundreds, thousands! We can convince the shareholders of anything, you'll see!”
Hiroto dropped down onto Tatsuya's chest while his hands still gripping the collar of his shirt tightly.
“ I-I'll do it! I'll be back! I'll be Dad's puppet!”
Forgive me for hurting you so much.
“Just... Don't be you....”
He felt his shirt being wrinkled and soaked by Hiroto's tears. He wanted so much to caress his head and tell him with a smile “It'll be alright, there's nothing stopping us” as they had done so many times before. And yet, now he could only feel salty rivers running down his cheeks.
“Why does it always have to be you, why always Kiyama Tatsuya?”
Sorry.
For leaving you alone again.
“...ra ...ya.”
Two words. It was impossible that he had heard them and yet Hiroto had.
Rather, they were the words he had dreaded hearing the most in those moments.
His blood had run cold.
“T-Tatsuya…”
Those two words he had longed to hear for so long.
Now, they were the greatest poison one could imagine.
Each letter of those two words was inserted into his body like a needle with different kinds of poisons.
The letter K seemed to carry fire and burned everywhere it went, leaving his body in ashes.
The letter I froze his body and formed ice crystals that broke into pieces, cutting every inch of his organs.
The letter R had paralysed all his cells with an electric ray, charring every trace of life.
He clung tightly to Tatsuya.
He couldn't lose him. Not him.
Please.
But then, he felt hands grab his shoulders and pull him away.
He looked up at him.
Those kind eyes. He loved them so much and now he hated them so much.
And he always would. He would always love him.
Always.
.
.
Tatsuya knew that he had to say it again.
He knew full well that Hiroto had understood. He wasn't wrong about him, he was one of the most impressive people he had ever met. Tatsuya knew it from the moment he saw him for the first time, a fleeting moment that seemed like an illusion. He wished he could close his eyes and go back to those carefree days of big dreams.
He always knew Hiroto was special. The way he looked at the world, the way he laughed, the way he got angry, the way he strutted. Everything was so beautiful, so brilliant, so spectacular.
Someone like him, who dreamed of living to the fullest, who encourage him to unexplored words for the two of them. He could never take away that from him. He couldn't bear to strip away his happiness, his liberty.
Even those eyes that looked up at him desperately and full of tears were more precious than any aurora borealis or starry sky in the universe. If one looked closely, they could even catch a glimpse of stars in his pupils. An entire cosmos that he could never explore again.
He approached him and gave him a light kiss on the lips. It lasted barely a second, but if a goodbye kiss lasted longer, it would only break the lovers' hearts more.
Now, it was time to repeat the phrase and proclaim the painful truth of this tragedy.
To bring their story to an end.
The last straw.
“Kira Tatsuya. Heir of the Kira Corporation. That’s my name from now on.”