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The last few months had been rough. Erik had just gotten full custody of his eight-year-old twins after the death of their mother, Magda, who he had been married to for five years before divorcing when the children were four.
Nothing with the kids had been easy. He loved them more than he loved anything in the world, but losing a parent was never easy, Erik knew that from experience. And eight-year-olds, well, it wasn’t like they could fully grasp the concept of death. Though Erik knew they understood more than what most people were giving them credit for.
They had talked about it, right after it happened. The three of them sat on the couch, his babies on either side of him as he explained to them that their mama was gone and wouldn’t be coming back. She was with the twins' grandparents now and it would just be him and the two of them. He spent a while assuring them both that their mama loved them both and would always be with them, just in a different way, and that Magda never wanted to leave either of them.
But no matter how much they talked about it, that wasn’t going to make it any easier. Erik was realizing just how much he had loved Magda—someone he had been friends with since before he could remember, including after their divorce—and how much he relied on her as a co-parent. He hadn’t spent so much time with his children since they were three and he was learning so much more about them now.
“Dad, I’m hungry,” Erik heard and turned to look at Peter who was looking sad and heartbroken. It was something he was seeing all too often and it hurt him every time. He sat the beer he was holding down on the table next to his seat and stood up.
“What do you want, Pete?” He asked, holding his hand out for the boy but he ignored it and walked on into the kitchen. Erik sighed and tried not to feel hurt as he followed behind him. “We have Mac and cheese, maybe a sandwich? Pizza, leftovers from last night?” He listed off, trying to think of what his son liked and would eat.
“Do we have any Twinkies?” Peter asked and Erik tried to keep from sighing again. He always seemed to want junk food and nothing else. Erik wondered if that was something they should get checked out or if he should say something about it. Magda, she would’ve known what to do.
“We do,” Erik replied, knowing that he did stock up on them the last time he went shopping, “but I would appreciate you eating something else first. That stuff, it isn’t good for you. You can have it as dessert.”
Peter just stared at his dad as though he didn’t care what he was saying and Erik moved around the kitchen, getting out a plate of leftovers and heating them up. “You can have the Twinkies after you eat this,” He said and placed the plate down in front of the boy.
“Mom would’ve let me have the box,” He stated before turning around and walking out of the room without touching the food.
Erik watched him go, feeling like he was out of his depth, unsure of what he should do. Would it be best to just give in and let his son have whatever he wanted? Or should he stand firm on what he was saying?
Erik was uselessly flipping through the TV channels. The kids had insisted on some streaming thing that he could use but, if he was honest, he was just looking to kill some time and didn’t really want to watch anything. Nothing was interesting to him at all and so, he had turned on the TV, but even then nothing was catching his attention.
At least, not until he saw The Little Mermaid was on, “Schätzchen, that movie you like so much is on, want to come watch it?” He asked, looking around for the little girl who appeared at the door to the living room a moment later.
“Interested? We can make some popcorn and watch it together,” He offered, thinking it could be nice. He felt like he still wasn’t spending enough time with his kids, like he couldn’t get enough and they were both just determined to stay away and keep to their own rooms.
There were plenty of things he could think of to do with the kids, things he wanted to do, things he thought they may enjoy. But anytime he brought them up both Wanda and Peter seemed to pull away from him a little bit more. It felt like they were slipping between his fingers and he didn’t know what to do about it.
“No, I don’t like that movie anymore,” Wanda replied, looking at the screen with something like disgust on her face and Erik realized that maybe it had been a while since she last watched the movie. Or it had been a while since he saw her watch it. He wondered what kind of thing she was into these days.
“Oh,” He said softly, thinking about how to recover the moment but he couldn’t think of much to say. But as he watched his daughter turn to walk out of the room, Erik felt himself grasping at things to say. Anything to make his daughter stay. “What do you like then? If there’s a movie you want to watch, I’m sure I can find it,” He offered, almost all in a rush, so much that he worried Wanda wouldn’t understand what he was saying.
“Nothing, Dad,” She replied, “I don’t want to watch anything. I just want to be left alone.” And, with that, he heard the door to her bedroom slam shut.
A breath left him as he fell back into his chair. He was out of his depth and didn’t know what he was supposed to be saying or doing. He knew all of this would be hard with the kids, but he thought the three of them would be in it all together. It never entered his mind that his kids would be pulling away from him and distancing themselves as much as possible.
His mind kept going back to when he was younger. What would it have been like if he had lost his mama but still had his papa? He was sure he would’ve been glued to his side. After all, once his papa had died, he was right by his mama’s side every second he could’ve been. They were both missing his papa after all, it just made sense at the time to share that feeling and not be alone but whatever his mama had done to keep the two of them together, he seemed incapable of providing that for his own babies.
He needed help, there was no other way around it. Somehow, he needed to find something to do that would help keep his family together and hopefully help Wanda and Peter too.
Erik was out in the yard with David and Charles. It was something they did once a week, meet up at one of their houses for a while. The goal had been originally to give the kids—who were all friends—time to play and Charles and Erik some time for adult conversation but it didn’t always work out that way.
Case in point, Charles and Erik were out in the backyard next to each other. Erik was throwing a ball to David who was catching it and throwing it back. As the game of catch persisted, Erik found himself talking to Charles.
“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” He admitted, “I keep trying to find things they like but everything I knew about they’ve outgrown them. Anytime I try to…I don’t know, be a parent they tell me Magda would’ve done things differently. I know she would have, we never really agreed on parenting styles, but I don’t want to switch over to what she was doing.”
“What kind of things are you talking about?” Charles asked, watching Erik, “I mean what are they telling you she did differently? David used to do that on occasion after Gabby…” He sighed softly, “It took some work, some breakdowns from both of us and it wasn’t always pretty but we got there.”
Erik shrugged, tossing the ball to the boy again. “Peter wants to eat nothing but junk. I’ll tell him he can have it after eating a meal but he gets…quiet and leaves. I’m not even saying to wait until dinner. I’ll make him something to eat at any time, I just want him to eat more than processed sugar every five minutes. Apparently, Magda would just let him eat them. Though I kind of wonder if maybe she didn’t know about it and I’m more strict with the cakes and candy we have lying around.”
“It’s a big change for them both, darling,” Charles said softly, “And you as well. They’ve just moved into a new house, and lost a parent. They still have you, but they don’t have their Mother anymore. I can’t imagine that’s easy for them. Children process things differently, you just have to keep trying.”
There wasn’t much Erik could say to that, after all, Charles was right. As much as it pained Erik to admit. Charles was normally right, even down to Erik’s feelings about him which he just had to bring up almost a year prior. Their relationship still didn’t have much of a name. Bad luck seemed to surround them, at first it was Gabby and now Magda, it just never was the right time to discuss how things were going and what they were but it was something and they both knew that.
“At least David doesn’t hate me,” Erik said, smiling across at the boy as he ran to grab the baseball when it slipped out of his glove and started rolling across the yard.
“No, he doesn’t. I think he rather enjoys playing catch with you. This was the sort of thing I was never very good at. Not even before this,” He patted his hand against his wheelchair.
“I know, you’ve always been such an old man,” Erik replied, leaning down to press a kiss to Charles’s hairline before standing back up. The last thing he wanted was to take his eyes off David for too long and get hit in the head by a baseball. That was a mistake to only be made once.
Charles rolled his eyes at Erik but there was a small smile on his face, “Thank you for that,” He said. “But really, have you tried something like this with Peter? Maybe catch or football? Something to get him outside and running around.”
“Well, I’ve offered to try playing video games with him and he declined. I’ve offered to watch movies with both of the twins, separately and together, and got two more no’s. I asked Wanda if she was still interested in The Little Mermaid, she was not. They’re both too old to be told a story. Neither wanted to go out to the stores for new supplies for their room since they’ve outgrown everything in there decoration-wise and their clothes. I’m just lucky if I can get them both to school every day. It’s been four months. I-“ Erik paused and sighed.
“Thought things would be better now?” Charles asked, filling in where Erik left off, “I don’t think it’s going to work like that and I think you know it. But maybe it’s time you start thinking about other options. Therapy maybe, or at least a school counselor. Maybe try talking to them yourself. It sounds like you’re offering a lot of things for you to all do but sometimes I think your kids are a little like you, love.”
“I don’t know if I should be offended by that or pleased,” Erik admitted as he watched David drop the glove he was wearing and take off around the yard running.
“A little of both, I think,” Charles replied with a small smile, his eyes on his boy, “It’s good to know your kids are like you but they always have a way of picking up on the things that hurt the most, things you wish you could protect them from. Just try it and see how things go.”
Erik nodded as he considered what Charles was saying. There were some memories with Magda that he had been running from but maybe it was best to confront them, a little memorial of sorts. He and the kids could do that. And maybe he would find out what was really bothering them in the process, if there was more to it than just missing their mother, that was.
“Are you and David staying for dinner?” Erik asked, looking down at Charles, coming out of his thoughts as he remembered where he was and what they were doing.
The other man smiled and nodded, “If you’ll have us. Maybe we can get the kids all together for a while tonight at least. I’ll help you cook and see if that forces them to interact.”
“I’m telling you, the twins just have been so far from their normal selves and nothing seems to help,” Erik said with a sigh as they started making their way into the house with Charles calling for David to come along.
Erik waited until the weekend, a time that they didn’t have to worry about school, getting up early getting the twins dressed and breakfast and everything. What he had in mind could take a while, after all, and he was more than a little worried that it would take him out for the rest of the day.
There were some old photo albums he had from his time with Magda, some that she’d had as well that he got after she died. There were a few other things he’d ended up with, things that the goal had been to pass on to the children as they got older but maybe it was best to go on and handle that now rather than later.
Wanda was the first one up and getting breakfast but Peter wasn’t far behind. Erik waited until they’d both had their pancakes eaten to get started.
“Can you two come sit with me for a minute?” He asked, “I want to talk to you both and I have some things that I think maybe we should do, if you’re up for it.” He was almost afraid they’d both say no and walk away but they looked at each other and then went to join him on the couch. Maybe it was the way he was acting or how his voice sounded that encouraged them to do just that.
With one of the twins on each side of him, Erik reached for one of the photo albums, “I thought we could look through some of these, if you’re interested? Pictures of you mama, of the four of us when you two were younger,” He looked at Wanda and then Peter, gauging their reactions. “It’s just that I know you both miss her and I do too. I thought looking and seeing her face again might help. I know it’s what I do a lot when I miss my parents and it’s not the same as actually seeing them or them still being here, but it’s better than nothing.”
It wasn’t easy, talking about his own feelings and emotions. But Charles had suggested it to him and Erik knew he had a point. It wasn’t doing any good for the kids if Erik was keeping everything to himself as well. The thought was they might share if he did and there was plenty he could talk about.
“Do you miss her?” Wanda asked, looking at Erik, “Because sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. You were divorced. You’re already in another relationship. Don’t lie to us.” Erik couldn’t tell if it was anger or sadness that she was mostly feeling but he wanted to take all of that away from her. Not that he could, he knew that much. And if Charles was right, then it was sadness she was feeling, masked as anger.
“I do, Schätzchen. Your mama and I divorced four years ago and, yes, I am with Charles now, I have been for about a year. I was still friends with your mama, I still love her, just not in the right way for a marriage. We always saw each other as more friends than in a dating sort of way and we thought that was enough but both agreed that it wasn’t. She knew about Charles, she loved Charles and you two did before too.
“I know things are hard now, everything is different. But yes, I do miss your mama, I can’t think about anything else and even if I could I’m not sure I’d want to. I want to do right by both of you and by Magda. Neither of you has to be alone right now, the three of us, we have each other and I love you both so much. That’s not going to change. Anything either of you needs, I’d be more than happy to do.” He reached out, one hand brushing a tear from Wanda’s face as his other arm wrapped around Peter and held him close to his side.
“Now, do you two want to look through these books and see pictures of your mama?” He asked softly, “If not I do have a couple of things I want to give you anyway.”
From his pocket, he pulled out a little box. Inside was a locket on a silver chain. That, he held out for Wanda, carefully placing it in her hand. He wasn’t sure how she felt about it now but when she was little she wanted to play with it all the time and would ask to wear it when they had the reason to dress up. Inside was a little picture of Magda, Erik, and the twins on the day they were born. It had been the same since Erik had given her the locket. The picture was almost too small to see but the two of them had known what it was and that was the important thing.
Erik watched the look on his daughter's face as she inspected the necklace and then smiled a little, opening it up and looking at the picture. Erik leaned down, pressing a kiss to her hair and she smiled a little more and leaned against him. It was the best reaction he had gotten from her yet.
“Pete,” He said, shifting and standing up, “Give me a minute to get yours.” With that, he walked into his room and came out holding a leather jacket. If he was honest, it was one that had been his once, years and years ago. Magda had stolen it almost as soon as they started dating and Erik had happily let her. Since then it hadn’t been his but she had loved it.
Their son had felt the same about it, Erik was sure. More than once he had seen a little three or four-year-old pulling the jacket on, the bottom of it against the floor as he ran around the house. Now it smelled like Magda and Erik couldn’t see it without thinking of her. He was sure their boy would feel the same about it.
“I’m sure your mama would want you to have this,” He said, sitting back down and handing it to the boy. “And I know it’ll be too big for you still, but you’ll grow into it eventually.”
“It was always too big on Mom too,” Peter said, his hand gently touching it before he picked it up and held it in his arms as though he was trying to hug his mother. Erik reached out to pull the boy into his arms once again, kissing his head the same as he’d done his daughter's.
“It was,” Erik agreed, “I think she preferred it that way though. It was part of the charm of her in that jacket.” The boy nodded a little in agreement and soon, the three of them were all cuddled together and Erik was opening up the photo album so they could start on them.
There were a couple of other things too but they would wait. A couple of notebooks Magda had kept, inside them were letters for the children and ages the kids should get them. A couple of family heirlooms she had managed to keep up with through the years that were to go to the kids as marriage gifts or when they reached a certain age. Things that would be for grandchildren. Erik wondered if she thought things through a little too well. Had the situation been reversed, he was sure he wouldn’t have thought about half of what she had.
For now, though, things weren’t better and Erik didn’t expect them to be. But sharing with them both, talking about what the kids missed about their mother, showing them pictures of the four of them together. It was all a step in the right direction.
There was nothing that was going to magically fix all of the pain, hurt, and the struggle between the three of them, and the empty space Magda had left. But Erik was ready and willing to make it work and do whatever he could for his children. And just maybe they were ready and willing to let him into their lives so he could be there for them.