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“How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?
It's just something that I want to do
I'll be taking my time, spending my life
Falling deeper in love with you”
-“How Would You Feel” Ed Sheeran
When Sam had said that single statement to her, Caitrìona had felt her breathing stop. Almost die in her throat. Her heart had slowed down and she had gone pale.
Had she really heard correctly?
Sam looked directly into her eyes, without fear. The hint of kindness, always present in the gaze of the man she loved, was now gone and had been replaced by concern.
Wait.
She swallowed, trying to catch a breath. She continued doing what she was doing before Sam said that, which was putting moisturizer on her legs and arms. This also allowed her to lower her gaze and escape the cobalt blue eyes of the Scotsman.
-Cait…-.
A weight on the mattress. Sam sat on the edge of the double bed, a few inches away from her.
He was expecting an answer.
-Is that a question or…?- she asked. She had to make sure before she freaked out. She and Sam had only been dating for five months, since her ex Tony McGill walked out on her after their last fight.
Sam moved in with her the next day. And she had never been happier since. They had adjusted quickly to each other. Not that they had needed to. She and Sam had been partners on the set of “Outlander” for three years. They had become best friends. They knew each other’s routines, could share everything and coexist in a small space.
And so the woman's apartment had gradually become Sam's, too.
The king-size bed no longer seemed so empty, as two-thirds of it was now occupied by the impressive figure of a six-foot-three Scotsman.
Two dresser drawers and half of the walk-in closet had been filled with Sam’s clothes. Books about Scotland and fitness now stacked next to English literature classics.
Aftershave and cologne sat on the hot tub, next to her perfumes and skin lotions.
They had established a sort of routine during those months. He would wake up around five-thirty, go for a run around the neighborhood, then come home and make breakfast for them both.
Avocado toast for her. Eggs and spinach for him. Black coffee for both.
If it was a work day, the couple went to the set to shoot episodes or to various shows for promotional events. If, instead, it was their day off, they spent time in bed making love and woke up slowly, at their own pace. Sam, sometimes, had managed to scratch the woman's laziness and had involved Caitrìona in a hike. She had recommended him various books to read. In the evening, they went to eat somewhere and then collapsed on the sofa in front of the television, Eddie curled up between them.
They had been in their little bubble of happiness.
And now it wasn’t enough for him anymore. After just five months? How was that possible? The woman replayed the last few weeks together in her mind, looking for a clue. For an apparent reason that had pushed her boyfriend to make that unusual statement.
Nothing.
-It's a request- he replied, not taking his eyes off the woman.
Caitrìona closed her eyes.
The words her companion had just spoken were ringing in her head incessantly, preventing her from thinking clearly.
Let's have a baby.
-How long?-
-Since what?-.
The woman raised her eyebrows inquiringly.
-Sam, I know you better than anyone. You never wanted children-.
The man stepped back a few inches.
It was true. He didn't need to lie to her.
He had never considered himself the perfect man of the house. Although he had never hidden from her the fact that he adored children. But adoring something does not necessarily imply wanting it for yourself. Somehow Cait deserved an explanation. He owed her one.
-But you do-.
It had thrown her off balance.
“That’s not a good enough reason.” Cait took his hands, making him look up. -Babe, I love you and you love me. We’re fine. I don’t want to force you to do something you never wanted just to satisfy a wish of mine-.
Sam's heart fluttered.
It wasn't a silly wish.
He and Caitrìona had returned two days ago from Ireland where they had spent the Christmas holidays with the Balfe family. Sam had been there before, first simply as a friend; then Cait had introduced him to her family as an official boyfriend about four months ago. Spending the holidays with the parents and siblings of the woman he loved had been magical for him.
An epiphany.
James and Anne Balfe had been wonderful to him. They had been in love for fifty years and loved each other as much as they had on the first day. They had seven wonderful children and a host of grandchildren. Four of Caitrìona 's siblings were married with children and Sam had found himself surrounded by the Balfe grandchildren.
He liked children, but he had always thought of himself as just an uncle. The kind of man who entertains his nieces and nephews and then happily returns them to their parents for a full night's sleep.
It had been thst way with his only nephew, Finnegan, the son of his brother Cirdan.
But his girlfriend, on the other hand, didn't think like him.
Cait loved being surrounded by her niblings. At every meal, a few children would take turns sitting on Auntie Cait's lap, and she was happy to cuddle them. She would read stories aloud to them, shower them with gifts, and play with them, getting down to their level.
She light up. She was radiant when she held a small human in her arms.
And Sam had noticed this more than ever during that week at the Balfe house. And, surprisingly, he had realized that he, too, enjoyed being with children. The Balfe nephews and nieces were extremely well-behaved, to be sure; but they had a special attraction for “Uncle Samwise,” as they liked to call him. Sam had found himself repeatedly hostage to their wild games in those days: he had carried each of the children on his shoulders countless times and had played wrestling with them on the living room rug.
The look Caitrìona had given him when Sam had been attacked by three ferocious little boys who had literally knocked him out was fixed in his memory in an indelible way.
The truth was that Sam Heughan had always been terrified of the idea of being a father. He had never had a father. Except for that brief week of knowing each other in Canada, when he was a young man in his twentys. From that trip he had brought with him the anxiety of resembling, willingly or not, the man who had conceived him: they had the same physicality, the same colors, the same gait. And his old Scottish tartan that David had left him as an inheritance.
Nothing more, nothing less.
And after that meeting David Heughan died of leukemia.
Coming to terms with the loss of his father had been a never-ending journey. But this very search for the figure of his father had allowed him to know his value. Sam was aware that if he was who he was today, he owed it, for better or for worse, also to that unknown father.
He had not wanted to repeat that pattern. That's why he had never had lasting relationships nor any desire to take on such an enormous responsibility as bringing a child into the world and raising it in the best possible way.
Cirdan had been braver than him, having married early and having Finn.
He was not that brave.
Until that moment. Until he met the woman who had become the perfect woman in his eyes.
Caitrìona was born to be a mother. He could understand it just by looking at her with her family. She had a special look in her eyes, full of love and devotion.
Who was he to deny her that happiness?
With her, Sam felt he could overcome anything, even the grief of an absent father.
He wanted to give her a child. A child who would be an indelible testimony of their love.
Blood of his blood. Bones of his bones. They would live forever, their love would be eternal. All thanks to their future child.
And that child would have a present father and a loving mother. It would have grown up surrounded by aunts and uncles who would have adored its. A Scottish grandmother and two Irish grandparents who prayed for dozens of little Heughan-Balfes.
-Cait- the man squeezed the woman's hands -I saw you with your niblings. You have a special light in your eyes when you are surrounded by children. I love you. Do you love me?-
Caitrìona nodded, unable to move.
-So? With you I will face anything, Mo ghràdh. You would be a fantastic mother and I will do my best-.
The woman opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again immediately.
She was surprised. Sam had never talked to her about children before, even though the man was great with them. Immensely patient.
Was it really as he had told her? Had Sam really changed his mind because of his family? Caitrìona had never had any doubt that her partner could be a good father. He was a kind, devoted soul. He always tried to accommodate her every wish.
But she didn't want to make decisions too hastily, she didn't want to involve him in something he had previously feared and then find themselves divorced and angry with each other after just a couple of years.
-But…- she tried to understand more. She really wanted to be sure.
-But I never said I didn’t want to have children with you- Sam said with a proud look on his face. The man emphasized the last word forcefully, making it stand out. The Scotsman’s large hand rested on the woman’s cheek and Cait closed her eyes.
She felt safe and secure next to him. Why did she have any concerns then? Wasn't that enough proof of love? Wanting to create a life together, because all the love they felt for each other was no longer enough.
Sam saw a sparkle in Caitrìona 's eyes. They were wet with tears.
-I love you so much!- she threw her arms around his neck, but Sam’s grip was firm on her. He let her sit on his lap, their foreheads touching. Her eyes closed.
Sam inhaled the woman's scent.
The image of a child inside her that was half him made all his blood flow down. He kissed her, holding her close, an involuntary movement of his hips telling her his intentions.
-I love you too- he whispered, between kisses. -And I will love the child you give me and we will be happy together. And I will never leave you.- Sam opened his eyes, as if seeking confirmation in those promises.
Cait kissed him on the forehead. Her delicate hands fiddling with the waistband of the man's jeans.
-I know what kind of man you are, Samwise- she whispered, nibbling at his right earlobe. -And I know you’d never turn your back on us. You’re a man of honor, just like Jamie Fraser.-
Sam smiled against her and stood up just enough to allow the woman to completely undo his pants. His jeans and boxers were now on the floor.
It was easy to pull her back against him and sit her up, allowing their privates parts to connect.
They both moaned with pleasure.
Sam waited for her permission and when Caitrìona nodded, the man began to move inside her.
A baby. He would give her a baby.
Making love to her now felt like heaven to him. They were truly trying to create a new life with their love. And when Cait called his name, Sam felt like he could touch the sky with a finger.
It was still her, only her, always her.
Now and forever.
It hadn't even been necessary to seriously try for a baby.
Caitrìona was almost certain that the journey to conceiving a child would be somewhat difficult for her and Sam.
She was no longer a young twenty-five year old, after all. Her gynecologist had found no particular problems, but at thirty-six she was aware that she was no longer in her fertile time. Sam was ready for her every little hint, and in the days that followed, they rarely left each other's arms. They had not set a deadline, both terrified of falling back into the cliché of those couples who only talk about fertility, sperm counts and menstrual cycles. They would have made love freely, as always; but Caitrìona had stopped taking the birth control pill. And they had both stopped drinking alcohol.
Fitting together around their professional commitments was tricky enough, but they both tried their best. Breaks during filming of the third season of “Outlander” were now being spent in other ways than usual. Sam’s workout at the gym and Caitrìona ’s readings had been temporarily replaced by quickies in each other’s trailers.
Their sex life had always been anything but monotonous.
That was the thought shared by both of them.
Sam began imitating Jamie Fraser and timing his partner's menstrual cycle. They didn't reveal their true intentions to anyone. The cast and crew just assumed the couple was still going through the honeymoon phase of their relationship, as they couldn't keep their hands to themselves.
Back then, Sam's birthday fell on a free Saturday.
And Cait was determined to surprise him. Sam had been nothing less than wonderful during those three months, supporting her through everything. He had even stopped drinking his beloved whiskey because the gynecologist had recommended cutting back on alcohol, as it lowered their chances of conceiving a child.
So the woman dressed up in a sexy outfit while he was out for his usual morning run. Then she surprised him in the shower.
When Sam noticed her presence, his eyes widened and he licked his lips.
-Well, happy birthday to me- he smiled, causing the woman he loved to laugh.
God, he was so damn lucky to call her his. She belonged to him.
His role was, always, to support her, sustain her and take care of her.
Her and the baby who would soon come among them.
Sam spread his arms and Caitrìona obliged, kissing him on the lips. The jet of cold water immediately made her skin crawl, giving her goosebumps.
-Oh, sorry- the man had to summon all his willpower to detach himself from her and adjust the water flow so it was warm. -Are you feeling better now, darling?-.
In response, she grabbed both his hands and placed them on her breasts. Sam sighed and very delicately removed her bra, tossing it carelessly on the shower floor.
-God, I love you Cait- he sucked gently on one breast and massaged another as a moan escaped the woman’s mouth. -This is the best birthday present ever-.
Their bodies close, the water falling on them, the woman's eyes fixed on his. They kissed passionately, his hands in her curly hair. One of Cait's hands on the back of the man's neck, the other stimulating him, well aware of the Scotsman's arousal. Before Sam could even take her, she bent down and, despite his protests, took his cock into her mouth.
Sam cursed and pressed himself against the shower wall. His eyes closed, overwhelmed by pleasure.
Yet, a small part of him knew that he couldn't finish out if he truly wanted to achieve the intent of those months of practice.
-No…wait…wait Mo nighean donn – he made her look up. Cait was looking at him slightly annoyed. Her breathing heavy and her body hot.
-I have to come inside you- Sam looked down meaningfully.
Her heart skipped a beat. She understood. Sam Heughan was truly selfless. Even in a moment like this, he was thinking about making the wishes of the people he loved come true; putting the needs of others before his own.
-You never miss a chance, do you, Samwise?- she laughed and let his muscular arms carry her to the bed.
Sam grinned. His heart full of love, his body more then ready to workship her.
-Never with you-.
At the first bout of nausea had hit her, Caitrìona had showed up to her sister Lorraine, the only one of her siblings who also lived in Scotland. Normally in thorny situations the woman always turned to Anne-Marie, her older sister and main confidant since childhood. But Anne-Marie was not married with children. Francis and Deirdre were married with children, but they lived in Dublin. So her younger sister Lori was almost annoyed when she found her in front of her.
-I could be pregnant…- she had confessed to her in one breath, while they were locked in the bathroom of his sister's house.
Sam had an interview for his charity and would be away all afternoon, as the TV station hosting him was in Edinburgh. He had also told her that he would be late that evening because he was stopping to say hello to his mother, Chrissie. Mother's Day had been last week and the Scotsman had yet to treat his wonderful mother to dinner.
So Cait had taken advantage of her boyfriend's absence to seek refuge with her favorite sister, who was also her partner in crime.
-Could you? What do you mean could you?-.
Caitrìona continued to pace the small bathroom space. Her sister watched her sitting on the edge of the tub.
-Cait, you're digging a hole. I just cleaned the whole house-.
Lorraine stood up and stopped her older sister from wandering, putting both her arms around her shoulders.
-Was it unexpected? Or unwanted?- she asked.
As far as she remembered, Caitrìona had told her about her desire to become a mother, even before she met Sam. She had always wanted to be a mother. And she and Sam had seemed extremely happy, both during the winter holidays and during the last family reunion that had been just ten days before, on Mother's Day.
-No! I mean, Sam and I had decided to try it out, I just didn’t think it would actually happen!- Cait croaked, vaguely hyperventilating.
Her words sounded even more stupid spoken out loud.
-Cait…-
-I know, I'm a walking disaster! A scamp!-
-Those are Dad's words! And no, you're not. You're just…-
-A mess?-
-Oh come on! If you and Sam were trying, then it means you wanted this moment to come!-
Her sister's words calmed her down. It was as if she had just received a slap in the face.
It was true. She was fretting over nothing. She and Sam wanted that baby, they had trying for it and desired it. But in her mind that moment had come too soon. After only three months of trying.
-Does Sam know?-
-No-.
Again the woman felt her stomach twist. She felt really stupid actually.
Lorraine picked up the pregnancy test. When her older sister showed up at her house all out of breath with a bag containing three pregnancy tests, the woman thought she was crazy.
And when, one after another, those plastic sticks revealed that her sister was indeed pregnant, Lori joined Caitrìona in tears.
She had had the same reaction years before. She had rushed to Caitrìona 's house and screamed with joy when she discovered she was expecting Connor.
Well, now the tables had turned.
Only then did a memory flash through the woman's mind. Sam and Caitrìona had refused any kind of alcohol during the last family lunches.
-Oh, he’s at his mother’s house- Cait explained -and he won’t be back until this evening-.
-Okay, so you want to stay here with us?-.
Caitrìona looked into her eyes. As always, her sisters had offered her protection.
A note of affection welled up inside her.
She had a blessed family. Her baby was already incredibly lucky and didn't even know it.
-Really?-
-The meat pie is in the oven, the vegetables too. Paul will be here in twenty minutes and Josh and Connor will be glued to their video games, they won't bother us-.
Cait bit her lower lip. Her eyes were filled with tears. She hugged her sister tightly. And smiled when the woman's arms wrapped around her, kissing her forehead.
-Don't worry my little sister-.
Caitrìona sobbed.
-Actually Lory, you’re my little sister-.
Lorraine laughed.
-Oh, are they tears of joy or of regret?- she smiled at her, slyly. She had been through this before, years before. And seeing her sister happy and fulfilled, with a man who loved her with all his heart at her side, made her even more serene. She knew their parents would be ecstatic at the news of having another grandchild.
-Stop it!- the curly-haired woman slapped Lorraine’s shoulder gently and smiled, wiping the tears from her face.
-I am, I'm happy. It's… I didn't expect it to happen so soon and, most of all, I wanted Sam to be there but… but it's okay-.
Now that the adrenaline had left her body, the woman felt an irresistible tingling sensation in her chest. Her child would be born into an extraordinary family. That was for sure.
-How long have you suspected that?- Lori made room for her so her sister could rinse her mouth. Cait’s mouth tasted sour with bile, she’d been so anxious for the past hour.
-About a week. I was supposed to have my period five days ago, and you know I'm always a clock. And then last Sunday, at Mom and Dad's house, I ran to the bathroom. Do you remember?-
-Yes. I thought it was because everyone has the flu this time of year-
-Well, I thought so too before my period was late-.
Her sister smiled. Her eyes were shining.
-I'm going to be an aunt again!- she cooed.
Caitrìona 's heart felt like it would burst with joy.
-Wait until Mom and Dad find out. They'll go crazy-.
Caitrìona smiled.
-Wait until Sam finds out!-.
The woman's hand rested delicately on her own belly, still flat. She uncovered herself slightly, mirroring herself.
“There’s nothing to see yet,” she muttered. No one could have suspected anything. Not the media, not the fans.
-Cait?- Lori stroked her hair, reassuring her. -Sam will be happy. He loves you and you will be happy together. You just have to tell him.-
When Sam returned home that evening he found the lights off in the apartment.
There was no background noise: not the hum of the television nor the clatter of pans in the kitchen.
It wasn't that strange, Caitrìona loved going to bed early. She was probably tired and had taken advantage of his absence to catch up on a few hours of sleep.
Sam knew the apartment like the back of his hand by now, so he simply put his workbag on the floor, took off his leather jacket and threw it carelessly on the couch, and took off his shoes. He would take care of tidying up tomorrow. Now he just wanted to take a nice shower and relax with his partner in his arms.
Eddie trotted over to him and nuzzled into his legs.
-Hey, fat cat- Sam patted her above the ear -How was your day without daddy? Did you eat too much or did you follow the diet the vet gave you?-
But if Eddie was up, then that meant Cait wasn't in bed either. Right? Sam had learned the hard way that the damn cat was as attached to her owner as peanut butter to jelly.
More than once Eddie had looked dissapointed at him when he had tried to got her out of the king size bed.
-Cait?-.
His question went unanswered so the man headed for the kitchen.
The sight of what was in front of him made him smile.
His woman, standing in front of the fridge, holding a bowl of vanilla ice cream and dancing to the tunes of Blondie. Around her only the light of the fridge: it gave her an almost angelic aura.
Caitrìona was wearing only her pajamas, her hair was tousled, and her eyes were closed. She was dancing, spoon in mouth, moving her arms in time with the music. The melody of “Heart of Glass” spread throughout the apartment.
Sam slid up behind her and placed both hands on her shoulders; making her flinch.
-Uh- the Irishwoman opened her eyes. The spoon was still in her mouth. The bowl of ice cream had almost slipped from her hand.
Sam's lips were on her neck. His hot breath moved her hair slightly.
-Are you having fun, Mo chridhe?- the man's hands immediately slipped under the woman's shirt, making her shiver.
-Actually yes-.
Sam rested his chin on the woman's hair and smiled against her, before turning her into his arms.
Faces close together. Foreheads leaning against each other.
Cait lifted the spoon and Sam opened his mouth, savoring the vanilla ice cream.
The way he licked the contents off was all too sensual.
He kissed her on the lips.
-You taste good- he told her and saw Caitrìona ’s gaze light up and shine in the dim light of the room.
-As much as I love seeing you lick everything,- he hissed, between kisses, -I really want you to put this damn bowl in the sink, Cait. So I can show to you how much I missed you during this whole long day.-.
The brunette stared at him with an expression full of love.
She had missed him too. They were so used to spending every minute of the day and night together that when they had to be apart even for a few hours, she felt incomplete.
Tony had never made her feel that way. Only Sam broke down her barriers and made her feel completely safe and protected. And there, in his arms, Caitrìona felt she had nothing to fear anymore.
She had to tell him, without any worries.
Sam was wonderful and would be wonderful to his child too.
She stood on tiptoe to kiss him and did as he told her. Her hands were free now and she pulled Sam close, placing both hands behind his neck. Her man's strong arms lifted her up. Cait wrapped her legs around his waist and heard him grunt. Every rational part of her brain was slowly disappearing.
She felt Sam gently place her on the kitchen table, and a moment later his lips were on her still flat abdomen. Cait let out a laugh.
He didn't know. Not yet.
She lifted her shirt to allow Sam to kiss every inch of her skin, from her exposed breasts to her navel. Her back arched as his fingers fumbled with the waistband of her pajama pants.
Cait's hands were in Sam's hair. It was only when she felt a finger from her partner inside her that Cait stopped him.
-Wait-.
Sam raised his head. His blue eyes were narrowed, his breath was shallow. An involuntary movement of his hips made them moan again.
-I have a gift for you, darling-.
An expression of disbelief immediately appeared on the man's face.
-A gift?- he asked, surprised. -Now?-
Caitrìona gasped as Sam stopped the movements of his expert fingers.
She nodded. If she didn’t tell him now, she’d never be able to do it again. And she didn’t want to let too much time pass. He deserved to know, to share that joy with her.
Sam reluctantly released his grip on the woman and tried to compose himself.
He adjusted his jeans, trying to keep his erection under control. A hand in his hair made it even more messy.
-Cait, my birthday was two weeks ago - he pointed out.
His girlfriend stared at him in disbelief, her face was serious. Her makeup smudged, her clothes crumpled, her chest rising and falling at a faster than normal pace, her legs dangling as she sat on the large mahogany table.
Even so, she was breathtakingly beautiful. Without ever trying.
-I know- Caitrìona shrugged.
-You already gave me those frosted glasses for my whiskey and…- the man's gaze lingered on his erection -And that divine shower- he concluded, blushing at the memory. His pants became even tighter.
That had undoubtedly been the gift he had appreciated the most.
-Is it forbidden to give you any more gifts, Heughan?-
The woman was on the defensive.
-Certainly not- he admitted cautiously.
Now he was a little worried. Had he forgotten something? A birthday or an anniversary? Had he neglected her in some way? Had he irritated her?
The void in the mind.
Meanwhile Caitrìona had slipped away and taken a small red package from the living room cabinet. It was not very carefully wrapped, as if the sender had had the idea at the last second. However, Sam was a simple man and certainly did not stop at such small pleasantries.
He picked it up. It was small and rectangular in shape. He glanced quickly at his woman's face.
Cait was leaning against the kitchen doorframe, watching him with her arms crossed over her chest and an unreadable expression on her face. He had never seen that look before. Sam squinted, trying to decipher it: she didn't look angry, but she didn't look happy either.
Had he really done something wrong?
-Cait, are you angry by any chance? Did I do something wrong?- he asked.
He really wanted to have an honest and sincere conversation with her. His mother had taught him that honesty was the key to any healthy relationship.
Caitrìona shook her head impatiently.
-Just open it-.
Sam shrugged and gave Cait one last unconvinced look.
His fingers trembled slightly as he unwrapped the rectangular package.
Why had they suddenly become so nervous?
In his hand now was a box, thin and narrow. The kind you find in a jewelry store. But he and Caitrìona weren’t married. Not yet, anyway. They both wore matching rings, but nothing more. Sam suddenly wondered if all this mystery was a proposal.
Maybe Cait wanted to make him understand something. Maybe his woman, feminist and enterprising as she was, had taken matters into her own hands and proposed to him. Beating him on time.
He loved Caitrìona 's resourcefulness and strength of spirit, but in this area Sam wanted to follow tradition and propose to her himself.
Evidently he had arrived too late.
He sighed and looked at Caitrìona askance.
Jumping into wedding preparations in the middle of filming was crazy, but if that's what his woman wanted, he was sure to oblige.
He opened the little box.
The gift was certainly not a jewel. Nor an engagement ring.
Inside there was only one object: a plastic stick. The Scotsman picked it up.
No. It wasn't just a simple plastic stick.
Sam had never held one in his hand, but he knew what object it was that he now held in his fingers.
The man's hands shook as he read the words “Pregnant +4.”
The box fell from his hand, but no one present heard the sound of the crash.
Caitrìona had literally thrown herself into his arms and he could do nothing but hug her with one hand, while the other still held the pregnancy test tightly. Sam leaned against the table, otherwise they would both have ended up on the floor.
-But you are…- Sam's blue eyes searched Caitrìona 's gaze for confirmation.
The woman nodded slowly, her eyes already watering.
Sam threw the pregnancy test on the floor and hugged her. Tight.
Unable to let her go even for a moment.
“Oh God! Thank you! Thank you!” he whispered, brushing her hair away from her face.
Salty tears soaked his shirt and soon he was sobbing too.
-Are you happy?- she asked, their noses bumping. -I was,- they kissed, -I was almost afraid to tell you.-
-Oh Cait!- Sam cupped her face with his hands, kissing her even deeper. Their bodies almost fused together, despite their clothes -Dinna fas. I thought… I thought-.
Sam shook his head.
What did it matter now?
-Nothing- he sighed. -I… you’re pregnant- he repeated.
It was almost like that three words were the only ones he can pronunce now. Or even think about something else.
A baby. A freaking baby.
Caitrìona kissed him again.
She smiled, incapable of doing otherwise.
-I…- Sam tried again, but it was as if his brain refused to form a meaningful sentence. -Of course I am happy, my love. Tha mo chridhe gu bhi air a chlaoidh le h-aoibhneas!-.
-You… Sam Heughan are irresistible! - Cait wrinkled her nose and let him pick her up.
-The bedroom is too far away- she whispered.
And so she and Sam found themselves making love on the living room rug, in front of the fireplace.
Sam had been extremely gentle the whole time. He had stopped several times, asking her if everything was okay. And then, when they had both reached the point of pleasure, he had refused to let her lie down with her back on the carpet; but he had insisted that she sleep on top of him. He had slipped out of her and placed her on his body. He was tall enough for Caitrìona to lie comfortably on top of him.
And then he kissed her, stroking her hair and cradling her in his arms until she fell asleep.
He, on the other hand, was awake and alert.
How could he go back to sleep after such news? His brain was racing.
A ring.
He needed a ring.
He couldn't wait any longer. There was no point. He wanted to do things right, he wanted to ask for the hand of the woman he loved.
He had never thought he would find himself in a situation like this. But now that he was in it, he knew he could swim and that he would be okay.
Cait shivered against him and Sam pulled her even closer to his body.
She was almost shaking. Her hair was disheveled and covered part of her face. She was snoring softly. Sam loved to tease her about that trait because, according to Caitrìona , he was the one who snored.
He gently brushed her hair away from her face and heard her moan in her sleep.
She was adorable.
He loved her with every fiber of his body. With every part of his soul.
How could he have even thought of being just her friend? It wasn't rationally possible. He had fallen in love with her from the first moment he saw her, during their chemistry test.
And she never left his mind, even though Sam had filled his early fame years by dating one teased blonde after another.
Funny how he didn't even remember their names, but he remembered every detail of Caitrìona 's body and every nuance of her personality.
Every moment of the previous evening was etched in the man's mind. Frozen in time. Like a photograph.
The light in the eyes of the woman he loved when she told him he would become a father.
God, Sam was sure this was heaven itself. His heart burned inside his chest.
Love at first sight had now become a life toegether. Bonded together thank to their precious little miracle baby.
She was everything to him. He hadn't fallen in love with anyone since way back in 2013. He had never been as nervous as he was with her, when they started dating about eight months ago. He would die to give up her and their bond.
In his iPhone his Cat was already saved as “The Wife”.
Why couldn't she really become the wife in real life?
The fact that his child was now inside the woman's belly was just a detail. The baby was not the reason that had driven him to formulate the thought of marriage.
It had been the living flame that had shaken him.
He was ready to take the next step.
Now or never, he told himself. Hell, it was crazy to think that just a few years ago, he and Caitrìona Balfe were strangers. That they didn’t know each other and never would.
Sometimes it's just luck. Sometimes the stars align perfectly.
It really was like that.
Sam Heughan and Caitrìona Balfe had gone from strangers to friends, to best friends, and then lovers.
Fiancés.
Soon?
Husband and wife.
Dad and Mom.
The thought alone made his soul crumble. A dad. He smiled.
His mind had yet to rationally process the event.
He, Sam, would really become a father. And this after just eight months of relationship.
God, the world would have gone nuts. The press would have gone nuts. And even the cast and crew of “Outlander” would have gone nuts.
Sam sighed.
They had to take it one step at a time. All he wanted to do now was make sure his partner and baby were safe and healthy.
-Cait- he whispered- kissing her temple. A hand in her hair. -Sweetheart, I have to get up- he whispered to her.
The woman's sapphire blue eyes opened, fighting against the sunlight.
Sam immediately saw goosebumps appear on the woman's body and a shiver of cold shocks ran through them both.
-Stay still- he warned her. -I’ll take you to bed, now, mo chridhe-.
He rose delicately and stood up, picking her up in his arms and placing her, just as delicately, into the double bed.
Eddie moved away slightly as her owner lay down next to her, and meowed in approval.
-You and the bairn need to rest- Sam urged. His gaze was so full of love and devotion that he thought he couldn’t feel so much happiness all at once.
Cait reached out and kissed him, pulling him close.
-Are you in a hurry? Stay a little longer with us in the warmth…- she covered herself with the blanket and sighed at the sight of Sam retrieving her clothes from the floor.
-I have to run some errands Cait- he justified himself, looking at her with a truly sorry expression. -Do you want me to get you something for dinner?-.
The woman smiled at him.
Why on earth had she doubted him? Sam had only known about her pregnancy for six hours and was already in protective mode. Always there, always available.
Never annoyed. Never complaining.
She loved him for that. For he being relentlessly drunk in love for her. For showing her every day how a real man should love a woman.
In those months with Sam, Cait had never once doubted the honesty of the Scotsman's feelings.
With Tony, however, it had been a succession of doubts. When her ex had proposed to her, Caitrìona had felt happy. She had kissed him, put the ring on her finger and showed the diamond to her friends.
For one glorious moment she thought she had it all. A man who loved her and the chance to actually build a family with him. Then the problems and constant arguments began.
She would come home from work exhausted and Tony would be waiting for her in the living room with his arms crossed, a perpetually worried expression on his face. A wedding to plan was a huge stressor for the couple. They argued over every insignificant detail. They argued because Tony wanted Caitrìona to be with him more, at home instead of always running around between work and charity. Everything could wait for him, except himself.
It was too much for both of them. When the woman found herself in tears on the landing of Sam's house, after yet another fight with Tony, she knew she had to start over again.
Living with Sam and letting him love her had been remarkably easy. Certainly easier than telling her family and friends that Tony McGill was out of her life.
Sam pulled on his beloved leather jacket and gave her one last look. There was a hint of apprehension in the man's eyes. It was clear that he didn't want to worry her more than necessary, but simply to show her that he wanted to take care of her and the baby as best he could.
Despite growing up without a father, Sam really wanted to be ready for fatherhood.
-No- replied the woman, snuggling under the covers -but I inform you mister that tomorrow I have an appointment with my gynecologist-.
-Everything ok?-.
The man's heart stopped for a second.
-Yes, I just have to do some tests to actually confirm the pregnancy Sam. I did three tests and all were positive, so I'm pregnant. But I have to make sure our little one is okay-.
Sam nodded. It was an unknown world to him, but he trusted his partner blindy.
-At what time?-
-Five o'clock-
-Then I'm canceling the interview with “Splash UK”-
-Sam, you don't have to do this. It's just a test-
-No, Cait. I want to do this. I really do. You can't be that stubborn-.
The woman grimaced. She had struggled to prove to her family and the world that she was a strong, independent woman. She could easily handle a gynecological visit alone.
The redhead took her hands.
- Remember? I'll always be there, at your every step Mo ghràdh. At five on the dot I'll be waiting for you in front of the doctor's office-.
He kissed her on the forehead. He had said it so sweetly that the woman did not have the good heart to reply.
She simply rolled over on the other side of the bed and closed her eyes. Eddie nestled against her chest.
Sam had no idea what trouble he had gotten himself into.
So, what was the difference between rubies and sapphires? Rough diamonds or not?
For a moment he had considered seeking advice from his brother Cirdan, one of his few close friends who had actually gotten married and raised a child. But he couldn't stand the jokes his brother would make. Especially if Cirdan knew his true intentions and the reasons behind his decision to ask Cait to marry him. Cirdan would surely tell his wife, who would tell htheir mother, and in a few days the entire city of Glasgow would know.
No. His priority was privacy. It always had been that way.
So he had to do it alone this time. His brother couldn't always be her shadow.
His mother Chrissie lived in Edinburgh, and although Sam was tempted to call her for advice, he decided it was best to let it go. As far back as he could remember, Sam had never seen his mother wear a wedding ring, not even before her divorce from his father was finalized. Chrissie had been in a relationship with a good man named Owen Scott for a few years, but they had never married. And she had instilled in both of her sons a sense of duty: a marriage was a serious business, and you had to be sure you were getting into it with the right person.
Cat was his soulmate. As Claire was for Jamie they belong together. He was damn sure about it. And he was so proud of it.
Sam didn't have a family ring, although he was sure Caitrìona would love the idea.
The only easy choice for him was the location: Rox Jewellers Glasgow, one of the city's top jewellery shops.
He wasn't for the glamour, and neither was Cait. But the man wanted to spoil her a little: Caitrìona deserved that wedding ring. The last year had been hard on her and the few months they had spent together had been the happiest of their lives.
Plus he had to compete with the looming presence of Jamie Fraser: the king of men, the perfect husband. Jamie had given his wife Claire not one, but two gorgeous wedding rings.
It was ridiculous, Sam thought as he entered the shop’s armored door. He had to compete with his own character. Sam and Jamie shared many character traits: they were both witty, kind, generous. But Jamie was certainly much more romantic than he was. In fact, Sam had stolen Jamie Fraser’s lines several times. And Caitrìona had always noticed.
But now there was no Jamie Fraser to advise him.
The store was extremely luxurious, the kind of jewelry that only celebrities and the wealthy of Scotland could afford. Neon lights illuminated the large open space. The garish white walls and floor made the jewels sparkle, carefully protected by burglar-proof glass cases.
The saleswoman welcomed him with open arms.
Of course. The cheapest piece of jewellery in there would probably have cost around two thousand pounds.
-It's a pleasure to have you here, Mr. Heughan! - The saleswoman's very white teeth almost blinded him. She was an extremely well-groomed middle-aged woman: straight, platinum blonde hair, nail polish, impeccable makeup. -How can we help you? -
By now Sam was so used to being recognized without introducing himself that he didn't even notice it anymore. He shook the woman's hand and gave her a friendly smile.
What was he supposed to say to her? It was clear why he was there! What other reason would a man have if not to buy a ring?
However, the saleswoman stared at him in silence, waiting for an answer.
-I would like to buy an engagement ring -he replied.
The woman's eyes shone.
-Did you already have something in mind sir?-.
Sam shook his head.
The woman showed him several rings, all extremely expensive. Most were diamond or gold. Sam didn't understand much. He didn't know if Caitrìona had given importance to the shape of the ring and the quality of the precious stone. What was the difference in a ring with a round opal? Or a square diamond?
He was terribly indecisive and, honestly, he didn't want to buy a random ring. He wanted to give meaning to the proposal, including the ring he chose.
-Mr. Heughan- the clerk said after a good twenty minutes. -You really should tell me something about this woman.-
Sam sighed. He and Caitrìona had been public about four months into their relationship. For the first three months, they had tried to hide the obvious. Then they had given up. Maril herself had advised them to tell the world, so as to dilute all the media attention.
So it was.
He and Cait had shared the same selfie on social media, a shot of the two of them kissing on her birthday at her parents' house.
The man felt a pleasant tingling sensation in his chest at the memory. He would do anything for the woman he loved. He had told her that on more than one occasion.
Anything. And now that there weren't just two of them, Sam felt he had to do even more.
The image of that day came back to him. Cait held close to him, in his parents' garden. The frost on the grass, their breaths forming clouds of steam. Her cold hands seeking warmth against his body.
It was just a touch between them. Electricity throughout the body.
She was the only one.
And suddenly he understood.
Tydavnet. Ireland.
-I would like to see a Claddagh ring- he said.
It wasn't a request.
The saleswoman raised both eyebrows.
She understood everything about the special woman, but had the discretion not to say anything. With a small key in her hand she led Sam to a display case on the right side of the shop and took out the various rings.
-According to tradition, the Claddagh Ring is shaped like two hands embracing a heart topped by a crown. The hands are a symbol of friendship, the heart of love and the crown of loyalty- the woman explained. -So the luck is Irish-.
She smiled at him and Sam smiled back.
-If your significant other is so proud of her Irish heritage, then I would recommend this to her-.
She showed him a Claddagh ring set with green emeralds. The color of Ireland.
That’s it. It was the one. Cait would have loved it.
-Ay- Sam picked it up and looked at it. It was white gold, and next to the emeralds, the heart in the center was set with a small diamond. -I think this one will do the trick.-
He didn’t even notice the price. Fifteen hundred pounds. His love for Caitrìona Balfe was unquantifiable, and money was no problem to him at the moment.
He had always been thrifty, not a possessor of luxuries. Financial stability had given both him and the woman at his side the security of being able to own more than one home.
And at the beggining of the fame’rise Sam had bought himself two motorbikes as a treat for his hard work.
But he never stopped watching how much money he spent. It was a legacy of his difficult childhood.
His Cat, however, was the only exception.
The light in his eyes matched the ring.
-But you should have an inscription engraved on it- he recommended.
Caitrìona shivered with cold as Dr. Chandler put the gel on her abdomen.
Usually, an ultrasound at that stage of pregnancy wasn't scheduled, but she and Sam had insisted.
They had to make sure everything was okay.
The pregnancy had already been confirmed by the tests that Dr. Chandler had had her do in those two days. One must not be taken in by alarmists of any kind, the doctor had reassured her.
But they had insisted. Caitrìona was thirty-six. She wasn’t old, but she wasn’t young either. Her health was her priority, especially since she would have to continue working and her lifestyle was quite hectic.
-Okay,- Dr. Chandler smiled at them both. -Now don’t be alarmed if you can’t see much. At this stage of pregnancy, that’s normal.-
Sam, sitting next to her, gripped her left hand tightly. His eyes fixed on the monitor.
A small dot appeared, tiny but definitely visible.
-There it is. This little one measures a full 5 millimeters, - the doctor explained cheerfully, pushing his glasses up his nose. -And…-.
He moved the probe and the sound of a light drum spread throughout the room.
Sam's grip tightened even more. Cait glanced at him and noticed that Sam's eyes were filled with tears.
-And this is his or her heart- concluded Dr. Chandler.
Their bairn.
It was there. It was no longer a product of their imagination. It was real and, mostly important, it was healthy.
The man sighed in relief and leaned down to kiss Cait, whispering a soft, “I love you,” and smiling against her lips.
He and she were now inextricably bonded. There was their baby. And it would always be the three of them from that day forward.
That was it. He could see forever in Caitrìona 's sapphire blue eyes.
The man's chest swelled with pride.
Their tiny little bairn. Half him and half Cait. Like he always wanted.
He can’t stopped himself and kissed her again. Cait was obviously on cloud nine. Tears in her eyes, a smile on her face.
This baby was a dream come true. How long she has been waited to this moment?
The doctor’s voice was almost a whisper in the background.
-Well, I'd say we continue with the vitamins and folic acid. And I'll see you again for the twelfth week ultrasound. Is that okay?-.
That evening Sam insisted on cooking.
Cait had googled various foods that could help with nausea during pregnancy, so the menu included risotto with courgettes and parmesan.
A great step forward for a guy who didn't even know how to heat up a plate of spaghetti.
Caitrìona had been forced, by an overly vigilant Sam, to sit at the table and wait for dinner to be ready.
Eddie purred on her mistress' knees, happy to sleep for a few hours next to Cait who tickled her ears.
The black and white photos scan of their little one were now hung on the fridge, with great pride.
-You know, I can still cook perfectly well. You know Heughan?- the woman was slightly amused by the situation.
Sam certainly had a kind heart, but there were certain things the Scotsman was unable to do, and cooking was one of them. But the fact that he was actually trying it touched her.
It was one of the many reasons why she loved him and why Sam had immediately won her over.
Her gentle giant has for sure the biggest pure heart. Suddenly she hoped that her baby will get his or her father’s kindness.
Sam was meticulously checking that the risotto absorbed all the broth. That's what they said in the video tutorial he had seen. Even though his risotto seemed too sticky compared to the Italian lady's in the video.
He was nervous, but certainly not about dinner.
Inside the back pocket of his jeans the man had a little box that could take his relationship with the mother of his child to another level.
The chosen ring was inside that little box. Sam had picked it up that very morning. And he couldn't wait to take it out. He had thought of everything.
-I want to spoil you while I have time to do so- he justified himself, plating the risotto and sitting at the table with her.
Not such a bad first attempt, the man thought. His risotto was a little sticky, but it didn't taste terrible. Cait was eating it, too.
He smiled at her, enjoying the sight of her.
Thank God. Deo gratia.
The woman she loved was giving her a bairn. Caitrìona 's left hand, where Tony's engagement ring had briefly been, was now empty.
Only then did Sam think that maybe all of this was too much for Cait at the moment.
A child and a new marriage proposal in less than a year.
Should he have asked Jim Balfe's permission first?
No, Cait wouldn't let him.
She was a strong and independent woman. She was definitely not anchored to that old cultural heritage.
Or not?
He had trouble following the conversation the woman was carrying on.
Something about her charity, South Africa, and the ugly new dress her sister Francis had bought that she thought was ugly but hadn't had the courage to tell her.
Once they were finished they cleared the table together, but Sam offered to load the dishwasher.
Cait rolled her eyes.
It would have been a very long nine months.
Despite her protests and good intentions to prove to herself and her partner that she was still a capable and stoic woman, Caitrìona Balfe had to surrender to the inevitable.
It had been an emotional day. After dinner, she and Sam had watched some random TV show, snuggled together with Eddie snoring between them. It was just an excuse to be together.
But after her sixth yawn in ten minutes, Sam urged her to go to bed, even though it was only ten o'clock at night.
And Caitrìona , despite herself, had obliged.
She was still in a state of half-sleep when the woman saw the door to the master bedroom open.
Sam smiled at her and touched her feet, still cold.
-Cait… are you still awake?-.
The woman opened her eyes.
The Scotsman was sitting on the edge of the bed with his struggling cat in his arms, ready to go and wake up her owner.
-What time is it?- Caitrìona moaned. Her eyes were swollen with sleep, her voice hoarse.
-Almost midnight. I didn't have time to stop her, I'm sorry- he apologized, leaving Eddie free to rush towards her mistress.
-Hey baby girl, come to mummy-.
The cat scampered over to the bed and jumped on it, rubbing itself against the woman's arms.
-Eddie, what's that around your neck? Have you changed your collar?-
Around the cat's neck was now a bright red collar.
-Sam?-.
-I changed it. I thought since Eddie is going to be a big sister, well, she should be spoiled in some way-.
The woman's heart melted.
Not only did Sam think of her every moment, he was also accommodating to her cat.
-Oh, that's a top-notch collar Eddie!- Cait tickled her under the chin.
The woman focused on the collar. From the red collar there was a ribbon, also red. And from the ribbon there was a ring.
The woman's heart stopped for a moment.
She knew what kind of ring it was.
-Sam, my God-.
She looked up and met the man's cobalt blue eyes.
Sam was looking at her so intently that she thought he might consume her.
He had a determined look.
-I know it's all at once and you're probably feeling overwhelmed- the man slipped the ring from Eddie's collar and then intertwined his hands with Caitrìona 's. -But believe me, I've also waited too long for this moment. And when we found out about the baby- a hand rested on the woman's belly -God, Sassenach you gave me everything. Everything I would never have had the privilege of even dreaming of…-
Caitrìona 's lips didn't even let him finish and in an instant they were on him.
“Yes,” she replied between kisses, while Sam held her close.
Now he was breathing again.
He could hear his heartbeat in his ears and all the tension that had built up evaporated.
-You don't know how much I love you Cat- he sighed against her.
-I said yes- she repeated.
-But I had a speech in my head-.
They both laughed, bumping their noses.
Caitrìona placed her hands on the Scotsman's face.
-Why didn't you ask me before?-.
Sam's fingers grazed her cheek.
He put the ring on her finger.
It fit perfectly.
The green of the emeralds made the woman's blue eyes stand out.
Sam shrugged.
-I was afraid you’d say no,- he quickly lowered his gaze, but Caitrìona ’s fingers quickly made him lift his chin.
She looked at him with a proud expression on her face.
-Sam, I could never say no to you. Not now, not ever-.
They kissed again and the laughter was soon replaced by tears of joy.
Sam gave in first and let Caitrìona hold him close, letting his head rest on her belly.
The man closed his eyes, simply enjoying the piece of the moment. The two of them, close together. The silence around them.
Cait's hands roamed through the Scotsman's hair. Her eyes lingered on the ring, now on his left ring finger.
It was perfect.
-The baby will have curly hair and blue eyes- she whispered, -and he will be perfect-.
Sam looked up and leaned closer to the woman's face, letting their lips meet once more.
-He? I wanna a lass with your hair… but yes, she will be perfect- he reassured her, wrinkling his nose.
His heart was beating so hard that he thought it would eventually pop out of his chest.
He was estatic.
-You're going to be an amazing mother Cat, I know that already- the man's fingers grazed her face -and I love you so much for that-.
Another kiss.
-Do you really like it?- he pointed to the ring and the woman smiled.
She took it off and turned it over in her fingers, taking a closer look.
It must have cost a fortune.
-'Cause I should…- Sam coughed, trying to hide the emotion still palpable in his voice -I should have asked your father's permission first. Maybe…-.
The woman shook her head forcefully.
-No. My father adores you, you know. You know that-.
Sam was sure that Caitrìona ’s father liked him, not that he adored him. Still, it was comforting to know that his future wife didn’t think asking her father’s permission was all that necessary, either.
-It's an Irish ring- the man explained -I wanted there to actually be something from your land Mo ghràdh. You know after all we live in Scotland and you are now Scottish by adoption-.
Cait laughed. Her eyes shone.
Her index finger touched the jewel's circle.
There was an engraving.
Give me a thousand kisses.
The same engraving on Claire Fraser's wedding ring.
-Sam…- she held the ring up to the light as a tear rolled down her cheek.
-You deserve it.- The man’s fingers closed around the jewel.
Indelible testimony of the promises for Cait.
He wanted to spend the rest of his life with that woman.
Fall deeply in love with her.
And he would savor every moment of it. Every instant.
He felt young every moment he spent with her.
Cat was his one and only.
And he knew it. With a ring on her finger he had real, concrete proof of it.
He couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with her. And with their bairn.