Work Text:
It was a sunny summer morning when Adam was browsing his Tumblr.
Of course, he couldn’t see the sunlight as his windows were blocked with tinfoil; much like the windows of his inspiration, Elvis Presley.
He also planned to die on the toilet as well.
He browsed to the bottom of the page, when he saw a hooded face appear on the screen.
He squinted at the screen.
“What the-?”
Suddenly, the hooded figure smashed the glass of the computer from the inside and kicked Adam in the chest.
The figure pulled his hood back to reveal the face of Tommy Joe Ratliff.
“What are you doing, Tommy?”
“I’m an assassin, Adam.”
Tommy then pulled out his hidden guitar shaped knives from under his hoodie sleeve and stabbed Adam in the stomach.
“Why?” Adam cried.
“Because I have to.”
“Ok.”
Adam then dies.
Sauli then burst into the room before Tommy leaves. Sauli is wearing a silver and red robe. He holds a stick with a red rock at the end. He glares at Tommy.
“I knew you were a necromancer.” Tommy says.
“I knew you were an assassin.” Sauli replies.
Sauli hits Tommy with the end of his stick and Tommy jumps back into the computer screen, fixing the glass.
Sauli curses and hits Adam’s face approximately twenty times with the red rock on the stick.
“Why are you hitting me with a stick and why are you wearing robes?” Adam asks.
“I just took a shower. And Tommy killed you, remember?” Sauli says.
“What? Oh yeah, I remember.”
“You need to tell his girlfriend that he’s an assassin.”
“Ok.”
In the afternoon, Adam walks into the mall. He sees Tommy’s girlfriend shopping at Tommy Hilfiger.
“Hi Tommy’s girlfriend.”
“Hi.”
“Your boyfriend is assassin.”
“Lol, I’m an assassin too.”
Tommy’s girlfriend then brings out a knife with pink flowers on it and stabs Adam.
“Ow, that hurts.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Adam dies again.
As Sauli jumps out of the till to hit Adam with the rock, Tommy’s girlfriend jumps into the till after Sauli hits her with the stick.
“Ow” she says.
Sauli hits Adam with the rock five times and he comes back to life.
“What the hell? Why is everyone an assassin?”
They go back home and have sex.
The next morning, the tinfoil was ripped from the windows.
“It’s too bright.” Adam complained.
A ninja then jumped in front of the window.
“You’re a shitty ninja,” Sauli exclaimed, “I can see you!”
“No you can’t, it’s an illusion. I am here but not here at the same time” The ninja says.
“Ok.” Sauli says.
“The thing is, Sauli is actually Tommy Joe and Tommy Joe is actually Sauli.”
Sauli curses yet again and a zip appears on his face.
“Stop swearing, Sauli.” Adam says
“Sorry” says a voice that sounds very much like Tommy’s.
He turned around and there was a naked Tommy, throwing on some clothes. The skin on the body that he unzipped was lying on the ground.
The computer screen suddenly broke again and another Tommy stepped out.
“Damn it, that’s becoming a daily occurrence.” Adam says
“Sorry” said a voice that sounded like Sauli.
The other Tommy unzipped his skin and there stood a naked Sauli, throwing on some clothes.
“So you’re saying that Sauli was the bassist all along and Tommy was my boyfriend?”
“Yes.” They both replied at the same time.
“Does that mean I had sex with Tommy last-“
“Yes.” They both said.
“What kind of black magic is this?” Adam cried.
Brian London then breaks through the roof and starts singing.
And they all lived happily ever after except for the ninja who got assassinated moments afterwards.
The end.