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His cold lips met his bruised hands with such tenderness . He always was tender , as if he feared hurting his paramour with a mere touch of his lips . He was strenght incarnate , from his fingertips to his imposing muscles , he was a beast of a man. It was normal he feared hurting the person he loved most . When he lifted his head , his hand still gently holding his lover’s , his face was still obscured by his mask. Something he never abandoned .
He was a corpse , he said . An unsightly error of nature , something that should have been gone long ago. Something , he said, that his eyes shouldn’t ever lay upon — lest he wished to forget all the love he held for him. But how could he ever do that, when his monstrous lover held his hand to his lips once again , kissing it , trying to make this moment last longer .
- Must you go ?» Zandik’s voice was tired, irritated. His red eyes looked at il Capitano, trying to see his face underneath his mask, to discover any clue about what he felt. He was worried, and he hated that feeling. He was supposed to always be in control, to always know what to do, and yet, for a thing as foolish as love, he relinquished that control . He wouldn’t stop his lover from going to Natlán — at least, physically. Emotionally ? Maybe he could do a bit of emotional manipulation but … it felt dirty. And he knew his lover would forever mourn what he could have done to repay his debt.
-I must, dearest.» his voice was always low and strong, as ancient as the earth itself . It made the scientist feel at rest, for once in his life . The first harbinger rose , and soon, he towered over his lover , and gazed upon his bare face . It was too early in the morning for anyone to be up, in this almost abandoned part of Zapolyarny Palace . The doctor’s wing. And it was probably why his lover had decided to not hide his hideous face .
Il Capitano loved him. He loved him with a passion so profound that came with such ease , an unexpected and unexplainable feeling he felt when he first saw the young Sumerian all of those years ago. His heart beat with ardor whenever he caught his eyes lingering on his sculpted arms, or whenever he made a quick smile at him when the Capitano gave him his favors in a meeting. He loved him. He loved him. But the sight of his bare face was always a shock to him.
No doubt Zandik would have been a beauty, had his flesh not decided to show the same monstrosity as the one he bore deep in his heart. His brown skin was mutilated almost everywhere : a profound gash separated his face cutting deep in his bent nose , and ended on his left side , hidden by a burn scar that left the skin bumpy and scaly. His lips were cut, and he couldn’t close them properly due to the lack of skin, leaving him always with a weird half-smile. Il Capitano studied once again his lover’s face . The countless scars he bore , the burns and the bruises , but also the wrinkles , the crow feet and the gray hair on his unshaven jaw. He was getting old . A perspective that terrified the immortal.
- Why must you be such a goodie two shoes ? The guy you owed one died a long time ago, anyways . It’s no use . This nation is practically a lost cause. You’re wasting energy, Captain.» behind those harsh words, worry . The Khaenrihan could read the doctor as if he were an open book. He could see the worry in his eyes when his face couldn’t show it. His gloved hand reached for his companion’s face , gently, as to not scare a wild animal. Zandik frowned , and considered taking a step back . But then, his gaze softened , and he rested his head against the older man’s hand .
There was no one around. They didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. Nobody knew about their relationship. It was better that way. It would only spell trouble for the both of them. Relationships of a romantic nature were not particularly well-seen amongst harbingers . While it was not outright forbidden, it led to … complications. Especially considering il Capitano was the first Harbinger. There could be doubt about the Doctor’s real potential , and while Zandik could still hold his own as second Harbinger … he was growing old. And his lover did not want him to over exert himself .
He also did not want to explain why , or how he could love that monster . Every Harbinger , outside from maybe Childe — a child soldier, forced against his will to join the Winter Army — , had done horrific acts that made them outcasts . Signora burnt countless innocents , Pulcinella waged terrible wars, and he , himself … had strayed , multiple times , during the Fall of Khaenriha . Zandik though … he seemed to find pleasure in the acts he committed. He did not necessarily love cruelty , but he enjoyed what he got from it. Murder, human experimentations, cannibalism, torture … on men, women and children . He was a monster through and through .
How could he love such a man ?
The answer laid against his hand, red eyes seemingly holding back tears . He wasn’t crying because he feared for his lover . But because he relinquished control. Once again, it wasn’t humanity he showed. He was a cruel, controlling and selfish man. And yet Capitano couldn’t see himself loving anyone else . Could he save him, one day ?
Time was running out. Everyday, that evidence sank deeper into his heart, whenever he saw a new gray hair on a face he loved so dearly.
- Practically. You said practically.» he gently teased . The Sumerian snorted. A faint smile formed on his lips, and il Capitano fell in love all over again .
His eyes looked at the scientist . He still was in his pajamas . After so many mechanical augmentations, he didn’t feel the cold . His body was scrawny, malnourished after spending so much time in the lab. But he was strong. He was a capable warrior, even wielding a great sword . He was a great mind, the most brilliant man he ever met in his long , too long life . He had something il Capitano lacked , and that was the cruel pragmatism one needed to become a warlord . Could he …
- My love, we don’t have to …» the scientist raised his eyes to meet his lover’s . Cold , uncaring red eyes . The Forbidden Knowledge.
- I am no hero. I don’t care for these nuisances. And I already studied the Abyss plenty, in my youth.» Il Capitano lowered his gaze, and his hand left Zandik’s face . For a moment, he thought he saw the blue haired look hurt , but then, he quickly gathered himself .
- That would be dumb. Imagine me, Il Dottore of the Fatui’s Harbingers , wanted criminal in 5 out of the 7 nations , the Shame of the Academy, helping people ? You think people would seek my help over anyone else’s ? Be realistic . Even if I wanted to — which I don’t — it would be foolish. People would assume you’re here to harm them instead of help them, if I were by your side . I’d be a nuisance. You’re better on your own. » there was a kind of sorrow in his voice, a sorrow il Capitano knew all too well.
Try as he might, he wasn’t the monstrous Il Dottore. This legacy was far too heavy for a man to bear . He lacked empathy , and he was a rotten , evil man. But even those kind of men still were innocent at some point. Evil is not born , it is created — that is a lesson the Khaenrihan learnt at the cost of too many lives . Once , Zandik was a child . Once , he had dreams and aspirations . Maybe he wanted to become a navigator ? Or , a sheep herder ? He fell and scrapped his knee on playgrounds , he seeked Aranaras and bought new shiny pens that he proudly showed off at recess . He once was a kid like every other, saved for his heritage .
Il Capitano wished he could have met that naive young man, with eyes greens like the forests his ancestor created . He wished he could have met Zandik before this world’s cruelty ate him whole and spat him out a rotten husk of a man.
But perhaps, in that husk, that young naive man was still hidden somewhere , his voice sorrowful at the thought that now no one would even consider him as an ally , let alone accept his help.
One last time, the knight took his lover’s hand, and kissed it with devotion. A promise left unspoken. His undying love and adoration.
- I will come back to you, once I have saved Natlán. Wait for me .» he rose again, and , he walked away from his lover . He did not expect anything more . They both spoke their mind .
But his heart fluttered when he heard his tired, still sleepy voice cry out :
- Wait !» slowly, the knight turned , and he saw the scientist approach him. His face still was as unexpressive as always, but, his lover was filled with resolve . He shuffled a bit in his pockets , and got out a silver device, almost looking like a vision. He gave it to his lover, and he said .
- It’s a type of Akasha I used with some of my clones, when we weren’t mentally linked . Since they’re all dead … this thing was just gathering dust. I think it’d be more useful if you were to have it. In the advent you’d ever need backup. I doubt you will. But just in case .» the doctor avoided the captain’s eyes — though he could not see them. If he could, he would see pride and love. There was some humanity in the doctor .
The captain’s hands gently took the device , and he put it inside one of his pockets — closest to his heart. He knew what the blue haired meant by this gift . A way to communicate, when the war would get too rough.
He told him about Khaenriha. He told him about the death toll that kept on rising and rising , and the horror of seeing people horrifically warp and transform into thoughtless monsters . He told him the screams that still plagued his nights, and the burden of not having “done enough” — not having died like every heroic knight had , even though he managed to save his platoon by doing so.
And , the doctor listened. The captain thought he did not. He always told him he had to lose this heart too soft for a warlord . He told him that he had to toughen up, that Khaenriha did go against the divine rules , and that because they were morons they died . He intentionally was harsh. Zandik always tried to push away people. Il Capitano was the only one who stayed .
- I shall call you whenever I can rest. Thank you, my love.» the scientist frowned.
- It’s only for if you need backup. Nothing else. Good luck on this foolish endeavor. » he tried to turn away, but, the knight gently put his hand around his waist. The doctor stopped, and sighed . For once, his gaze softened, and he looked at the obscured face of his lover . His gentle knight , too good for him. A lover he never expected nor deserved .
- Just … be careful. For me.» he asked . He tried not to worry . He really did . But he wanted to leash his lover, to force him to stay here , safe and loved . But it would be like caging a bird. His lover was a hero, he was a good man.
And good men did not run away from injustice — they fought it head on . They saved the meek , they tore down tyrannic empires , and they brought Justice and peace , like in those stories of old. Some part of him, buried after years of shame and self hatred, felt jealous of his lover’s noble heart. How kindness came naturally to him. How he seemed to always know what to do without controlling others . How he was loved and respected , not hated and feared . How he was everything Zandik wished he could have been .
They kissed, briefly. Bruised lips meeting cold, dead, ones . And they separated, hearts already heavy by knowing they wouldn’t see the others for months, at least. Off to save the widows and the orphans he went, and Zandik almost wished they had died already so he could come back to him.
Love was a terrible thing.