Work Text:
Regina George had always craved perfection.
She needed it, the praise, the attention, it fuelled her. It was intoxicating, like a drug that she could never get enough of. Every year as she blew out her birthday candles, she had just one wish, "I wish I was perfect”. And hidden under it all was a greater desire, to be worthy of love, her dad’s love.
Even at 6 years old everything was centred around being the best she could possibly be. It was just a simple fact, Kevin wanted to be a teacher, Ella wanted to play basketball and Regina just wanted to be the best. And she was.
Regina was the best at spelling, the best at reading and math. She had perfect manners, she was quiet, tidy, adults adored her, and the other kids were jealous of her. She was smart, she was hard working.
And nothing else mattered
Until she met her.
Janis Imiike.
Janis was definitely not perfect. She was loud, messy, always covered in paint. She had horrible manners; she was terrible at spelling. But for once that didn’t matter to Regina because Janis may not have been perfect, but she was hers.
Regina had never been good at making friends and she hadn’t cared. The kids her age were loud and annoying. So, she was surprised when she realised how badly she wanted to be friends with Janis.
Usually, she just wanted to be the best in adults' eyes, didn’t care if kids hated her. It was different with Janis. She wanted Janis to think she was smart and pretty, not in the jealous way but out of admiration. She wanted Janis to think she was cool, she wanted to be worthy of Janis’ love.
Janis who was the best at art in the class and always had her work hung up by the board. Janis who had told Regina to back off when she had pushed Thomas into the dirt because he had got a higher grade on the math test then she did. Janis who smiled at regina sometimes, huge smiles with crooked teeth and dimples. Smiles that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside.
One day Janis had been confused with her math, she was sat in the table across from regina, chewing on her pencil. “Do you want me to help?” Regina had asked and Janis had nodded reluctantly. She taught her how to multiply numbers and Janis had taught her how to draw a really good cat. Regina stuck her drawing to her wall, until her dad had ripped it down.
And just like that Regina and Janis had become Regina and Janis. “Inseparable, joint at the hip”, said their teacher. “Too close, they need to make other friends”
They sat together in class and helped each other with their work. Janis got better at math and Regina’s drawings improved. Janis had even convinced Regina to put down her book and play tag with the rest of the kids one lunchtime.
Regina had never had a friend before let alone a best friend. “My best friend Janis”, It was thrilling to say.
She loved that when everyone else thought about Regina they thought about Janis as well. That everyone knew if they wanted to invite one of them to their birthday party, they had to invite the other. They were a package deal, and everyone knew.
When Regina won her awards at the end of the year, she had hardly cared about her dad yelling at her for not winning the French and reading, hadn’t even flinched when he slapped her across the cheek. Because who cared what he thought when Janis had sat in the front row smiling at her like that, with the gap between her front teeth? Janis who looked at her like she was the most amazing person on earth.
Regina hadn’t realised that not all dads were like hers until she met Janis’s. Janis’s dad was loud like hers but instead of yelling he told bad jokes and laughed. He smiled and called Janis “Pumpkin” and made them cookies with peanut butter. He loved Janis even though she wasn’t the best at school and her room was a mess. He loved her just because she was his daughter. He smiled and sung bad karaoke, he even dropped Regina home from school sometimes when her parents forgot about her. Janis never had to work for her dad’s love, not like Regina did.
At first, she was jealous. How come Janis got to have two perfect parents and she got a dad who yelled and a mom who was never home? Why did Janis get two parents who loved her, was it because she was better than Regina?
But It didn’t matter why, Regina knew that there was nothing she could do about it. What she could do was keep being the best, keep doing everything she could to get her dad to love her. Because nothing would ever feel as good as when her dad smiled and said, “well done”. When he had bragged to all his friends that she had won the top academic award at her elementary school graduation.
Sure, he had yelled at her after, for the horrific way she had presented herself when she had run up to hug Janis when she won her art award. But she had got a well done and that was enough.
Her dad didn’t like Janis very much, she wasn’t sure why. Regina felt sick to her stomach with anxiety at the thought of disappointing her dad, but she couldn’t just stop being friends with Janis. She was her best friend, her everything and so she ignored the pain of disappointing her dad because if anyone was worth it, it was Janis.
Middle school had brought them even closer together than before. Regina had weekly sleepovers at Janis’s house. They climbed the tree in her backyard, painted and watched old movies. Braided each other’s hair, made cookies and friendship bracelets. Stayed up all night giggling and talking, just talking about everything. Some nights they snuck out when it was dark and laid down in the garden, watching the stars for hours and hours.
Regina knew in her heart that no would ever be able to understand her the way Janis did. No one could know this much about her, care this much. Because Regina knew she wasn’t easy to love. She knew she was rude, judgemental, and terribly insecure. But Janis loved her anyway. Loved every bit of her even when she didn’t.
It was Janis who bought her lunch when her mum would only let her take salad, Janis who told her she was beautiful, that she didn’t need to lose any weight. It was Janis who stroked her hair as she cried about how hard she had to try to get her dad to love her. Janis who told her that it was his fault for not loving her, not her’s, never her’s. Janis who told her she was kind and pretty, that she was worth loving. She told her so much, Regina almost believed it, almost.
And so, Regina George craved perfection a little less. Because Janis didn’t need her to be perfect. Janis loved her even when she got a b on a math test, had a huge pimple on her forehead and laughed too loudly. For the first time in her life, she felt okay with just having fun, she worried less about what people thought about her and even made some friends.
She played football at lunch with Gretchen and Cassie and laughed with Kevin in class. She liked having friends more than she thought she would, liked having people to talk and laugh to. But no one could ever replace Janis.
Janis was special, Regina knew that. She was so kind, helped everyone. She stood up for what she believed in, didn’t back down. She was pretty and smart and sure she wasn’t the best at everything, but did that really matter? Regina didn’t think so anymore. She loved Janis despite her flaws, because of her flaws. She loved when she was loud and messy and rushed into things without thinking. She loved when she got paint all over her shirt, sung terrible karaoke and wrestled Lucy in the mud during a particularly violent game of volleyball. Because she loved Janis.
When Regina George was 13, she got a boyfriend. His name was Kyle, and all the girls thought he was the cutest, and Regina always had to have the best. So, she had Kyle although she wasn’t sure what for.
He was gross and sweaty and not very smart at all. He tried to kiss her, and she wouldn’t let him. But her dad liked him, her dad was happy she was dating him, because Kyle’s dad worked with Regina’s dad, and they were friends.
“Good job” He’d said, “You need to learn how to get these boys, for the future.”
For some reason this good job hadn’t filled her with the warm feeling she usually got when her dad was happy with her. No, it had made her feel sick and she hadn’t been able to get to sleep that night. But if her dad liked her dating boys then she would.
So yes, she had Kyle, but she didn’t love him. He was upset about that, had said to her, “You love Janis more than you love me.” Which was silly, of course she did. She’d never love anyone the way that she loved Janis.
Regina had always thought her love for Janis was normal, they were best friends of course they cuddled and stroked each other’s hair and sent love you texts every night. Of course, Janis spent hours on the phone to Regina calming her down every time she had a panic attack and Regina bought Janis something every time, she went shopping just to see the look on her face. Regina couldn’t imagine a life without Janis, when she thought about the future she imagined them, living together. She imagined coming home from work to see Janis painting in an art studio in their house.
When Regina George was 13, she realised that was not normal.
One dreadful afternoon Janis had given her a gift, a stuffed animal with a rainbow pin. “I’m gay, a lesbian” she had said and Reginas world collapsed. She heard her father’s voice in her head “Disgusting” he had said “this country’s gone to shit if they allow scum like that to get married.” It didn’t make sense Janis couldn’t be gay because Janis wasn’t disgusting.
“Oh!” she had said instead. “Okay um that’s cool.” she gulped. Janis face fell slightly.
“I thought you’d be okay with it.” She said shakily.
“I am.” Regina had lied and enveloped her in a hug, told her she loved her. She had a panic attack that night, this time she didn’t call Janis.
A week later at Kyle’s party the spin the bottle incident occurred. The feel of Janis’s lips against hers was a feeling she would never forget. She told herself it was Janis manipulating her, that the feeling in her stomach was her feeling anxious not butterflies.
She was lying.
“See I knew she would let me” She had said, her voice disconnected from her brain, saying something she really, really didn’t want to out of pure fear. “She’s like obsessed with me.”
Janis had run away in tears.
Regina had cried herself to sleep.
But that didn’t stop her, she had to keep going, prove to her dad that she was perfect, that she wasn’t like Janis. And so, she named the stuffed animal Sissy Lez and made everyone at school say hi to it. She ignored the pit in her stomach that got bigger every day. She stuffed every memory she had with Janis in a box in her head and burnt it. The real evidence was under her bed, she wasn’t strong enough to burn that.
And so, Regina ruined her relationship with Janis, the one person who had truly loved her, despite everything. And all the feelings she had were pushed away. She didn’t want to feel anything, not the guilt, the sadness, the longing, the self-hatred, she wanted it all gone. Because her dad loved her, he was happy and that was enough for her.
“I’m proud of you for getting rid of that girl, she was never good for you.” He had said “I was worried she would turn you into a Lesbian or some shit.” he laughed.
He was happy with her, he loved her, and everything was okay.
And so, Regina George craved perfection more than ever before. She stopped eating lunch, spent an hour on her hair every day and ran on her treadmill till she collapsed with exhaustion. She studied for hours every night and surrounded herself with people her dad liked and started dating Aaron. Aaron was on the football team and made everyone even more jealous of her. Her dad liked him. She didn’t need friends what she needed was to be the best.
She was Regina George, and she was perfect. It didn’t matter if everyone hated her as long as she was the best, as long as her dad was proud of her.
Regina would love to be able to say that once Janis was out of her life, she was gone. But that would be a lie, a huge lie. Regina never stopped thinking about Janis. She wished she could, really wished but Janis was like a brain tumour that wouldn’t go away. She thought about her constantly, the way she held her, stroked her hair when she cried, the way she’d made Regina feel safer than she had ever felt with anyone. The way she made her feel that maybe she was worthy of love, that she deserved it.
She saw her sometimes, around school after she’d returned from art therapy. She had a friend, his name was Damien, and he was nice, really nice. She knew that because she had made Karen talk to him in class once. She was glad secretly, Janis deserved nice in her life, not Regina. Regina could never be nice, and Regina did not deserve Janis, not matter how much she still wanted her.
She tried to pretend she hated her, called her Pyro Lez and laughed at her, but she could never truly hate Janis. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to, hating Janis was impossible, it went against her nature. But Janis hated her, she was sure of it. She saw the glares, heard the jokes between her and Damien. But that was okay Janis was allowed to hate her, Regina deserved that.
Regina hadn’t cared about the new girl at first. She was from Africa? Who cares? She was awkward and didn’t know how to dress.
Regina hadn’t cared until she saw Janis with her. Then she really really cared.
She had only wanted to talk to Cady, just once. But then she saw Janis’s eyes on her, and she knew she had to keep Cady. If she had Cady, Janis would look, and Regina would do anything to keep Janis’ eyes on her.
Cady betrayed her terribly.
She ruined everything Regina had worked for, destroyed her self-esteem, her popularity. Set her eating disorder recovery back years.
She was furious, her mum was upset about her weight and her dad was upset about Aaron. She had disappointed them. And Regina George refused to be a disappointment.
So, Regina did what she did best, destruction.
The burn book worked, sort of, everything was going to be okay.
Until she realised that Cady couldn’t have done this alone, no this wasn’t her work. It was Janis.
Janis had done this to her.
Regina was furious about Cady’s betrayal but when she found out about Janis, she felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.
She had deserved it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. The only thing she could think about was that Janis knew. Janis knew about her eating disorder, her paralysing fear of not being perfect, she knew about her dad. And she still did it. She took the things that Regina had told her in trust and used them against her.
But Regina had done the same, she’d used something said in trust, against Janis. She wasn’t any better, in fact she was worse.
Because Janis could be mean, but she was a good person to her core. Regina wasn’t like that.
One moment she was staring at Janis on the curb, trying not to cry, then the world went dark and all she could feel was pain.
Her last thought wasn’t about Janis.
No, it was about her, Regina.
Regina had destroyed everything good in her life on a pointless pursuit for perfection. She had given up the love she had for the love she had always wanted, the love she would never ever receive. Because she could try and try and try but she would never ever be perfect, and her dad would never love her like she wanted.
And suddenly Regina George didn’t wish for perfection, no she just wished she had been happy.
Regina woke up 3 days later, in a hospital bed. Her hair was greasy, and she had a massive pimple on her cheek, but she was alive.
Her dad never came.
There were so many flowers and cards by her bedside, she didn’t deserve them.
Karen was first, a teddy bear in her arms and a drawing in crayon of them holding hands titled “Rigena an Kerin.”
Regina cried.
She didn’t deserve Karen.
Gretchen was next, teary eyed and shaking, armed with all the schoolwork she’d missed and a new book to keep Regina busy.
She didn’t deserve Gretchen either.
To Gretchen and Karen, it seemed like the bus was a miracle. Almost instantly everything had changed, Regina was nice, she said sorry and hugged them tightly. She sent them goodnight texts, asked them how their days were and listened to them talk. She promised that she would treat them properly, love them like they deserved.
But it wasn’t a miracle, it was a second chance she never should have gotten, and she was determined to live her life the way she wanted, not the way she was supposed to. She was determined to be the person she wanted to, not what her dad wanted her to be.
She was going to stop dating boys just because he wanted her to.
She was going to love Karen and Gretchen, the way she should have from the start.
And she was going to go to therapy, she didn’t care if he thought it was for “hippies” and “freaks”. She was going to get the help she needed, and she was going to tell him to fuck off.
On her last night in the hospital Janis came to see her.
Regina thought she was dreaming at first, Janis with green streaks in her hair and paint splattered Doc Martins was standing in front of her hospital bed. Why would Janis come see her, after everything that she had done?
After some deliberation, Janis sat down on her bed, gave her a tight-lipped smile and said shakily, “Hey G.”
Regina missed those warm brown eyes, they used to look at her like she was the most incredible thing on earth.
“Jay” she had sobbed, actually sobbed.
“Hey don’t cry.” Janis reached out to hold her hand, “Why are you crying?”
“I missed you so much.” She gulped.
Janis looked surprised “I- I missed you too.”
“I’m so so sorry for everything.” Regina said in between violent sobs.
“Me too.”
“You shouldn’t be, I deserved it. You didn’t, you were always so good, the best thing in my life and I ruined it. I promise I’m going to better from now on.” Regina cried, Janis held her hand tighter.
“Hey, it’s okay G I forgive you.” Janis smiled, shuffling closer so her head was against Regina’s. She could hear Janis’s heart beating, feel her shaking slightly, could tell she was anxious. Which just made her sob harder.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I don’t deserve you”
Janis looked at her with those eyes again, like she saw her, like she knew everything about Regina, every fear and dream she’d ever had and said “Yes, you do.”