Work Text:
Based off of Yojfull’s “Lucid” fic
NICK: 8
Late one night a small, eight year-old Nicholas Nelson knelt at the top of stairs, his heart racing and his throat tight as he listened to his parents argue for what seemed like the third time this month. His father, Stéphane, had come home a day late from his work trip and was currently informing Nick’s mother, Sarah, that he would be leaving again in a few days.
“Stéphane, Nicky has been working very hard and is excited for you to watch his first rugby match.” Sarah sighed, disappointment dripping off of every word. “Can’t you take a later train? Surely you can leave in the afternoon and not miss any meetings.”
“This Paris deal is incredibly vital for the success of the business, Sarah,” Stéphane defended, sounding exhausted. “You act as though I’m going to the pubs and throwing back beers.”
“I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m simply asking you to express some interest in your son! You’re the one who wanted him to join the team, and now you can’t be bothered to attend his first game?”
Nick hadn’t heard his mother sound so defeated and hurt before, as if she were on the verge of tears. He wanted to go down there and stop the yelling, but his body remained frozen at the top of the stairs.
“I’m sure Nicholas will understand,” Stéphane replied. “As a man, I have to do my best to provide for him. If it matters so much, I can get him a nice gift from Paris to make it up to him.”
“At the expense of seeing him make you proud?” Sarah asked over Stéphane’s last sentence. She scoffed and continued when she heard the offer of a gift. “You can’t buy your son’s happiness, Stéphane! It didn’t work with Davey and it won’t work with Nicky.”
Nick couldn’t take anymore, his ears rang and his chest tightened into a painful knot. Covering his ears, he ran back to his room and closed the door with a thud behind him. He leapt into bed and hid underneath his covers, squeezing his eyes shut and silently pleading for sleep to take him away from the shouting.
💤🌙
Once he drifted to sleep, Nick’s mind came online, wanting to be somewhere that could bring him joy. Suddenly, instead of being at home in bed, he sat on a red, cushioned chair, one of many in several rows underneath a large dome screen. Projected on the screen was a vast array of stars with dazzling, shifting colours against a black void. He recognized this place as the astral observatory at his favourite museum.
Coming here as a family meant the Nelsons would have a day of exploration and peace. There wasn’t any room for petty squabbles or arguments. David and Stéphane would run off and look at the dinosaur fossils while Sarah took Nick to the more hands-on exhibits like the large Tesla coils and the walk-in rainforest trails.
Despite knowing this was a dream, Nick settled comfortably in the dome theatre and leaned back, enjoying the moving galaxy and loud, ethereal music that always accompanied this showing. It wasn’t long before the memory of his parents fighting started to creep in, the knot of fear and sadness threatening to wipe away any happiness.
“Where are we?” A small, timid voice asked, causing Nick to jump and whip his head to the left.
Sitting in the chair next to Nick was a thin boy with the messiest mop of black curls he had ever seen. His blue eyes shone in the light of the digital starscape, making the cosmos even more enchanting. After swallowing and recovering from his minor heart attack, Nick smiled at the boy and shot his hand out.
“I’m Nick and we’re at the science museum – in the dome theatre! I love it here,” Nick said, still holding his hand out. “What’s your name?”
Hesitantly, the boy shook his hand with a gentle grip while ducking his head, letting the curls hide the top half of his face. “I’m Charles Francis Spring.”
He’s so formal!
“Forgive my rudeness, Prince Charles,” Nick giggled before standing and bowing dramatically. “I’m just a peasant.”
Charles made a quiet, strangled squeak before flailing his arms out and forcing a laughing Nick back into his seat. “Stop being silly! Everyone always says stuff like that!”
“Sorry,” Nick said between giggles, not sounding sorry in the slightest. “Anyway, have you been to this museum before?”
Charles shook his head, his bouncing curls momentarily distracting Nick.
“It’s awesome! Trust me, you’ll love it. Can I show you around? Please?”
“Ok!”
For some reason Nick couldn’t explain, he grabbed Charles’ hand and together they spent hours walking through the museum and its many exhibits. From the aquarium to the space rocket models, Nick rattled off the few facts he knew in hopes of impressing Charles.
Charles even told him things that Nick hadn’t known and a small part of him wondered how his own brain could come up with those facts. Perhaps Nick subconsciously remembered more than he thought. He must’ve, if this dream boy was able to say things like this. Charles told him one last fact just as they reached the dinosaur exhibit.
“Did you know that stars are sometimes really far away? Sometimes they’re so far away that we can’t see their light yet,” Charles said matter of factly before he frowned and rubbed his arm. “That always made me a little sad.”
“Why?” Nick frowned. “I think that’s a cool fact!”
Charles was quiet for a moment, shuffling his weight from foot to foot with a strange look on his face. “Some stars are already dead and we don’t know because their light is still shining.”
”Oh. That is sad,” Nick nodded. “It’s still cool though. You’re cool.”
Wanting to return to a lighter mood, Nick led them past the dinosaur exhibit and Charles, thankfully, didn’t say anything about it.
🌅
Nick’s eyes shot open, the morning light filled his room, signalling the start of a new day. His stomach flipped, disappointment washing over him like a wave. The hours he spent with Charles were indeed a dream, then. Nick couldn’t believe how real it had felt to hold Charles’ hand and show him around the museum.
Beside Nick, Sarah sat on the edge of the bed, her hand on his shoulder, squeezing once.
“I made breakfast, Nicky,” Sarah smiled tiredly. “Go and brush your teeth and come downstairs.”
He nodded blearily, rubbing his eyes and sluggishly started his weekend morning routine. As he brushed his teeth, thoughts of a giggling boy with curly, black hair sat solidly in his mind, making him miss Charles already.
Would Nick see him again? Could they be friends despite Charles not being real? Maybe Charles was real and out there, waiting to be Nick’s best friend?
Nick really hoped so…
NICK: 8. Christmas
The months after Nick first began to dream of Charles were turbulent and filled with more arguments and a new development – that being David’s outright hostility and lashing out at Sarah and Nick. Stéphane, of course, never received any of that from David. In David’s eyes, their father could do no wrong and was simply a victim of their mother’s unreasonable demands.
Nick wasn’t ignorant of what this all meant for his family. He could feel the tension winding tighter and tighter, suffocating him under the dread of knowing that it was going to snap, leaving them in shambles. Despite Nick’s best efforts, he couldn’t keep their family together. No matter how much he tried to make Stéphane proud, his father still left for France more weekends than not. The only thing that seemed to help anyone was being on his best behaviour for his mum. Every day, he tried to blend in, not cause a scene or bring undue attention to himself.
So, it was a massive surprise when Christmas Day came and Sarah had Nick wait at the top of the stairs while she “made sure the surprise was ready.”
He had been groggy from waking up, but excitement and curiosity replaced all of that. When Sarah called his name, he bolted down the stairs and slid into the sitting room. Sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree was a massive green and red box with Nick’s name on it, signed by both of his parents.
Nick ran up to the present, stopping when his mum held her hand out. “Be gentle with it. It’s fragile.”
Carefully as he could manage, Nick lifted the top of the lid and peered inside. He was immediately met with the most adorable pair of chocolate brown eyes he’d ever seen. A white and brown furball pressed against the side of the box in an attempt to sniff at him, yipping and whining.
Nick gingerly picked up the puppy and held her to his chest, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. He sat down on the floor and stroked behind her ear, her tiny body wiggling as she attempted to lick his face. “A puppy? For us to keep?”
“Oh, baby! Don’t cry,” Sarah cooed, holding up the camera to snap a photo of the puppy resting her head on Nick’s chest and beginning to doze off, her eyes drooping.
“Bu- but she’s so cute!” Nick sniffled out, tears sliding down his cheeks as he cuddled the puppy.
The Nelsons spent the rest of the day opening gifts and playing with the new puppy, bouncing names back and forth but never quite settling on one. Even David, who had been a nightmare lately, was civil and played with the puppy. Stéphane, mostly glued to his phone, gave them each a Wii and a host of video games.
While Nick knew this wouldn’t fix anything about their crumbling household, he let himself enjoy one day of happiness. He couldn’t wait to tell Charlie – the name his dream friend preferred to go by since Nick couldn’t help making royalty jokes – all about his new puppy. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to wait long. That very night, after begging Sarah to let the puppy stay in his bed just this one night, Nick fell asleep cuddling the warm bundle of furry affection.
💤🌙
Nick found himself sitting against a tree on a warm, sunny day in a park he didn’t recognize. The nearby signs displayed nonsensical symbols and numbers, confirming that he was indeed in a dream. According to Charlie, people were unable to read in their dreams.
Charlie had only been in a handful of dreams but he was already one of Nick’s favourite people. This time, however, he spotted Charlie sitting in the grass with his head between his knees. Charlie only ever sat like that when he was scared or sad. Needing to do something to help cheer his friend up, Nick rose to his feet, beginning to call out for Charlie when an idea sprang into his head.
I wish the new puppy was here. She could cheer anyone up.
As if he willed her into being, the puppy ran from behind Nick toward Charlie, yipping and barking as she reached her destination – Charlie’s lap.
“A puppy?!” Charlie cried in confused joy, his voice croaky from sadness. “And who are you, cutie?”
The dog settled into Charlie’s lap and snuggled close to him, licking at his face. “You’re just what I needed today! You remind me of someone, you know that? He’s pretty hyper as well.”
“That ‘someone’ must be pretty awesome if she reminds you of them,” Nick said cheekily as he sat down next to Charlie and bumped their shoulders. “I still don’t have a name for the new Nelson.”
Charlie jumped at Nick’s entrance but recovered quickly, flashing his dimples. Nick’s stomach swooped and tingled at Charlie’s smile, as it always seemed to when he made Charlie happy. “Wanna help me name her?”
Charlie nodded eagerly, delicately scratching the puppy’s chin. He studied her chocolate brown eyes closely, taking in her kind and loving energy. “A new Nelson, huh? Hm…alliteration would match yours nicely. How about… Nellie Nelson?”
“Nellie… yeah. Yeah, I like that! What’s ‘alliteration’?” Nick asked, confusion halting his thought process. “I’ve never heard that word before.”
“It’s when more than one word starts with the same letter in a row,” Charlie explained. “Your name has alliteration because both your first and last name starts with an N.”
“Oh. Ok. What do you think, Nellie?” Nick asked the puppy. “Want to be Nellie Nelson?”
The dog’s excited yip was all the confirmation they needed. Nick would tell Sarah about the name in the morning.
Nick’s thoughts about home must’ve affected the dream because the next thing he knew, the three of them were sitting in the Nelson sitting room. Charlie looked around in confusion and seemed to retreat inward. Nick couldn’t have that one bit. No way was his best friend going to be unsure in his house.
“Want to play with Nellie? Sorry about not asking first but her toys weren’t at that park, so we had to come here.” Nick smiled at Charlie, offering him one of Nellie’s ropes. “This is my house.”
“It’s very lovely,” Charlie whispered shyly, accepting the rope and beginning to play with Nellie. “Are you sure it’s ok to have me over like this? Your mum won’t be mad?”
Nick giggled and shook his head. “Mum wouldn’t mind but this is a dream, silly! We can do whatever we want!”
Something strange passed over Charlie’s face before he schooled it back to a normal expression and turned to Nellie, who was whining and pawing at his knee for attention. He lifted her up and pressed a kiss to her head, whispering something Nick couldn’t quite hear.
“Sharing secrets already?” Nick teased, smiling fondly at his two best friends. They turned to look at him simultaneously with wide eyes and Nick felt his chest warm at the sight.
🌅
The next morning, Nick told Sarah about Nellie's name and when she asked how he decided on it, he simply said it came to him in a dream, unsure how to explain he and Charlie’s friendship. Luckily, his mum didn’t pry and accepted “Nellie” happily.
Over the next few months, Nellie herself seemed to take to the name gracefully and even appeared in more of Nick’s dreams, especially around holidays. Charlie always seemed to need her cuddles the most around those times. One day, Nick would force himself to ask what made Charlie so sad. He wanted to help his friend, but he had the sneaking suspicion that Charlie wouldn’t open up until he was ready. Based on what Charlie said, their time together was always a bright spot and, no matter what, Nick didn’t want to ruin that.
When he thought about it, this complication had to mean that Charlie was real, right? Would Nick’s brain really cook up a scenario like this? Not wanting to think about it too much, he decided to not worry about it for the time being, preferring to have this part of life remain uncomplicated.
CHARLIE: 8
“Charles, please sit up straight and eat your food,” Jane Spring hissed under her breath while shooting him a death glare. “We have guests and it’s rude to behave in such a way.”
“Yes, mother. Sorry,” Charlie muttered, straightening up and apologising to his abuela and abuelo, his father’s parents. “How was the trip here, Abuelo?”
Charlie’s grandparents launched into a rant about the flight being delayed and nearly losing their luggage. As the story went on, Charlie slumped in his chair, boredom and restlessness settling in. He should be at the bowling alley with his new friend Tao, but he hadn’t been allowed to go due to his grandparents coming to visit, Jane refusing to allow him even a few hours of fun while Julio’s parents were here. Instead, he found himself stuck listening to their story while poking uselessly at his food, his appetite ruined.
If all that weren’t enough, Jane’s pregnant state didn’t allow her the same amount of energy for her usual responsibilities, leaving the rest of the Springs to help around the household and grit their teeth through her irritable moods. Charlie felt himself wilt a little more each time she sighed passive aggressively.
Charlie supposed he shouldn’t have been too upset. After all, he loved his abuelo and abuela, they always brought him souvenirs and some of his favourite books in Spanish. Compared to Jane’s parents and their cold, strict attitudes, Julio’s parents may as well have been saints. As for the arrival of a new sibling, Charlie was also beyond excited. What wasn’t exciting was his mum’s increasingly tense moods as the months passed.
Charlie simply wanted to hangout with his new friend. It wasn’t often someone didn’t think Charlie was too quiet or weird, so when the lanky boy with a beanie told off some bullies and sat down next to him during lunch, Charlie was pleasantly surprised. Tao stayed there the entirety of lunch and bad-mouthed the bullies, saying that their brains must be too small to comprehend people who weren’t like them.
Jane’s refusal meant Charlie had to decline Tao’s offer of an afternoon of fun, but the other boy didn’t seem to take it personally, simply saying they’d go another time. So, Charlie sat patiently at the dinner table trying to not incite any more judgemental glances from his mum. The last thing he wanted was another scolding.
Once his grandparents finished their food, they rose to their feet and began to wish the Springs a good evening, citing a show they couldn’t be late for. While Charlie and Tori were confused, their parents acted as if Julio’s parents leaving after being there for only an hour was a part of the plan all along. Tori and Charlie were under the impression that they’d be here most of the afternoon. When Abuela began to speak, Charlie’s grasp of Spanish told him enough to understand that Jane and Julio did know about their plans.
“Like I said over the phone, mija,” Abuela casually said, “I couldn’t be more excited for this play! Shame you and the kids couldn’t come along.”
Tori met Charlie’s gaze, her brow slightly furrowed in indignation. They exchanged a silent conversation in the way only two siblings could, and Tori – bless her – waited until their grandparents were out the door before confronting their parents, always the one who stood up for them.
“If they were only going to be here an hour, why can’t we go hang out with our friends now? I still have plenty of time to meet Becky at the festival.” Tori may have been tiny but she inherited Jane’s coldness and merged it with her own brand of bluntness. “And surely Charlie can still go see his new friend. It’s only four.”
Julio looked as if he was about to agree, but Jane tutted and shook her head, gesturing at the dinner table while rubbing her pregnant belly with the other. “We still have to clean up our mess and I haven’t even met this child’s parents. I’m not sure it’s appropriate for you to spend time with him until then.”
“Then come meet them! His mother is nice and his dad is a fireman, I think!” Charlie burst out, looking at his father pleadingly, hoping his puppy eyes would be enough. “Please!”
“Jane… I don’t see anything wrong with him spending a few hours with a new friend,” Julio softly muttered to his wife, his hand on her elbow. “I can drive him there and back. I know it’s not what you planned for today, but surely they shouldn’t miss out on new opportunities. You just sit here and rest. I’ll take care of everything. If you feel anything, I’m only a call away.”
Jane’s face, previously set in a hard line during Julio’s words, cracked slightly at her husband’s gentle tone. “Well… I suppose it’ll be alright for a few hours…”
“Yes!” Charlie cried, throwing a joyous hand in the air. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
After hastily calling Tao’s landline and updating him, he and Tori piled into Julio’s car and set off to enjoy their day.
💤🌙
After a long day of bowling, pizza and various competitive arcade games, Charlie fell asleep only a few minutes after laying down, hoping to see his “first” friend in his dreams.
When his mind came online, Charlie found himself standing in a familiar room, Formula 1 and superhero posters on dark green walls. The bed sat under the window, a rumpled, fluffy comforter rested on top. On top of the duvet was a sleeping Nellie, his favourite possibly made-up dog.
Nick’s room, Charlie’s brain confirmed. He knew this wasn’t his real body but he felt his shoulders relax as he sat on Nick’s bed, waking the dog in the process.
“Sorry, Nellie-belly,” Charlie cooed while scratching underneath the border collie’s chin, the dog yawning as her tail wagged. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. Where’s Nick?”
Like he was being summoned, Nick’s door opened and the boy himself stepped inside, head hanging low as he closed the door behind him. Without looking up, Nick sniffled and plopped onto the bed, knocking Charlie in the process, who squealed in a very manly way as the air left his lungs.
“I missed you too,” Charlie groaned from underneath Nick. “Usually it’s Nellie who tackles me but I guess it’s your turn.”
“Charlie,” Nick croaked in surprise, a shaky smile stretching across his face as he perked up slightly. “You’re here!”
Charlie wrinkled his nose and hummed in confusion. “Well, duh! This is a dream. Where else would I be?”
Nick’s face fell, his shoulders slumping once more. “Yeah, right…”
The knowledge of this being a dream bolstered Charlie’s confidence enough to pull Nick into a sitting position before giving him a tight hug. “Why are you sad? Your parents are fighting again?” Charlie wasn’t sure why his subconscious made up the sad scenario for this sweet boy but he had to make sure Nick felt better before this dream ended.
Chin resting on Charlie’s shoulder, Nick sniffled once more and whined pitifully, wordlessly confirming Charlie’s guess.
“I’m sorry they’re fighting. Did you want to talk about it?”
Nick, remaining quiet and clinging to the embrace, shook his head. “Tell me about your day? I don’t want to think about…”
Leaning against the headboard with Nellie snuggled between them, Charlie regaled Nick with every last detail of his day, excitedly revealing that he’d made a new friend. Nick asked questions about the pizza and who won certain games, saying that he wished he could be there with Charlie and his friend.
“Me too! Tao is cool and nice to me but I really wish I could have you there with me!” Charlie turned to Nick and poked the boy’s shoulder. “I bet I could kick your butt in those racing games!”
Nick let out an indignant guffaw, clutching his pearls and frowning at Charlie. “Care to prove that, you bully?”
“How would we do that?” Charlie asked before looking over to the foot of the bed and seeing Nick’s TV with the Wii turned on, Mario Kart Double Dash loaded up and ready to go. “Oh you’re so on!”
After what felt like hours of absolutely trouncing Nick, Charlie crossed the finish line once more as Princess Peach and Toad and sat back, slightly smug and satisfied with his handiwork. Nick, however, was understandably frustrated and dramatically flopped back on the bed with a loud groan.
“How are you so good at this?!” Nick whined good-naturedly, pouting at Charlie, unknowingly making Charlie’s heart flutter.
“I get to be good at video games,” Charlie laid back so he was level with Nick’s face. “And you get to be good at real sports, mister captain of the rugby team!”
“It’s just a junior league. We all take turns being the captain.” Nick waved off the compliment. “Besides, you’re good at everything you do.”
“Am not!” Charlie scoffed.
“Are too!” Nick rebutted.
They stuck their tongues out at each other before giggling together at their own antics, their chuckles turning into outright hysterics as Nellie took their mood to mean it was time to play, and hopped back on the bed, smothering them in cuddles. Once Nellie was sufficiently satisfied with the level of affection she’d received, she wandered out of the room, the door magically opening for her of its own accord. Charlie assumed it was another perk of dreaming and wondered what else could be possible here.
Charlie’s train of thought was interrupted by Nick taking Charlie’s hand in his, squeezing gently. Nick appeared deep in thought, frowning and cutely worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
Charlie’s face heated, his stomach swooping. Charlie knew what these feelings meant, his attraction to boys wasn’t a secret to anyone in the Spring household, let alone himself. He’d yet to tell Nick since he assumed Nick already knew. Another part of Charlie worried that, despite being conjured up by Charlie’s brain, Nick still might see him differently, as someone gross or less deserving – like the bullies at school did. Nick had never brought up religion or disdain for gay people but Charlie was beginning to understand that one never truly knew what kind of hateful thoughts people could have.
“Charlie? Can you promise me something?” Nick asked with a shaky tone, his hand clinging to Charlie’s tightly. He waited for Charlie’s nod to continue. “Can you promise me not to forget about me? I’m very happy you met a new friend and maybe I could meet him someday but… please don’t abandon me?”
Charlie’s heart sank, aching for the sweet boy who’d clearly had more than just a bad day. He suspected something important had happened, but he hadn’t wanted to push if Nick wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“I promise I won’t ever abandon you.” Charlie pulled Nick into his arms and hugged him close. “No matter what, you’re my best friend. You’re stuck with me. Why would you ask me that?”
Nick began to tremble, hiding his face against Charlie’s shoulder before letting the dam break, small sobs and whimpers pouring out ceaselessly between incoherent words and half uttered apologies.
“I’m- I’m sorry,” Nick choked out. “I’m being such a—” he hiccuped and sniffled. “I’m being such a baby.”
“You’re not!” Charlie corrected, emphasising his point with a tight squeeze. “Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. It just means you’re feeling a lot and need to let it out before it hurts you. That’s what my dad says.”
Nick didn’t reply, opting instead to continue clinging to Charlie until his tears stopped flowing. When he finally pulled back and looked at Charlie, his eyes were red and his cheeks were tearstained.
“My parents are getting a divorce,” Nick croaked in a despondent voice. “They said Dad won’t be around as much anymore. He’s moving to France.”
Charlie, not knowing what to say, grabbed Nick’s hand and held it between his own. Nodding slowly, Charlie urged Nick to continue, knowing that there was more to say. How he knew that, Charlie didn’t know. He just did. Maybe it was one of those weird dream things.
“David got really upset,” Nick pushed on, sounding so tired and smaller than Charlie had ever heard him. “He started yelling and throwing things. Called me names. Said Dad was leaving ‘cause of me.”
“David is stupid, you know that,” Charlie tried to reassure Nick. “There is no way someone as awesome as you is responsible for this!”
“I don’t know…” Nick dropped his gaze, moving up to slump against the headboard. “I’m needy and cry too much. Dad probably got tired of dealing with me.”
“No one smart would ever get tired of you! You’re the best person I know! Well,” Charlie paused and eyed Nick’s door warily. “Aside from Tori, of course. She’s my sister and ‘it’s illegal to say she’s not amazing’.”
A small smile appeared on Nick’s red face. “You won’t leave?”
“Never,” Charlie raised their joined hands and hooked his pinky around Nick’s. “I pinky promise I won’t abandon you. Ever.”
They’d spent the past year getting closer and closer but that night felt special to Charlie – it felt like the beginning of something far greater.
Nick: 13
As the years passed, Nick made some friends and began to spend time with them. The friend group was large, consisting of many sporty boys and some of the more popular girls from Higgs. The people that Nick hung out with the most were Sai, Otis, Christian, Harry, Kieran, (who were all members of the rugby team) Ben, and Imogen.
The rugby teammates were fun, constantly taking the piss out of each other and spending weekends at Harry’s or going to the movies. While they could be a bit rude to others or get too rowdy, Nick appreciated how they were bonded on the field as well as off. Their status and laddish nature even earned David’s seal of approval. Because of this, his spiteful taunts diminished, and Nick felt safer in his home. Nick soon fell into a routine, his life becoming much more “normal.”
There was, however, a downside to this new normal for Nick. Charlie‘s appearances in his dreams lessened as time went on, only showing up once a month, if at all. Nick hated this, feeling Charlie’s absence like a heavy weight on his heart. With Charlie, he could be silly, dorky and affectionate in ways he couldn’t during his waking hours. Deep down, even if he wouldn’t acknowledge it, part of Nick knew that if he clung onto any of his friends the way he did with Charlie, he’d be teased for being too gay or soft.
The fear of being seen as soft, especially by David, stifled that tactile preference, and soon, it suppressed other parts of Nick, allowing him to enter a fugue state when he was awake. Charlie’s rare appearances were the only times Nick felt like he could truly be himself.
This stark contrast between his friends and Charlie was never more apparent than the night of a disco that took place at Truham. There, Nick would have his first kiss with one Tara Jones. He was incredibly nervous, giddy that this pretty girl accepted his offer to dance. Their time together had been short, only lasting a few songs, but it ended with a gentle peck and shy smiles. When he returned to his mates, they jeered and hollered at his success.
“There ya go, mate,” Harry clapped him on the back. “Tara is pretty! Glad you finally bagged someone. Cheers to that. Was starting to worry you might be a poof or something.”
“Yeah,” Kieran chuckled. “Can you imagine having a bender on the team? Would be a nightmare.”
For a reason unknown to Nick, his stomach fell, bile threatening to come up. His heart hammered against his chest and he felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He clenched his teeth and shook it off, not wanting to deal with any confusing negative feelings after kissing the girl he’d spent the last week crushing on. Tonight was going to be a good night only, if he had any say in it. He danced with his friends, enjoyed some delicious punch and let himself be happy. For those few hours, he didn’t think about his father, David, or worry about anyone but himself.
When Nick returned home, still buzzing with excitement despite the later hour, he told his mum about the disco.
“That’s lovely, Nicky.” Sarah smiled sweetly at him, ruffling his hair before sighing wistfully. “Oh, my baby! Your first kiss! Growing up so fast! Pretty soon you won’t need me anymore, I’d imagine.”
“Mum,” Nick whined, embarrassed at her display.
“What’s this I’m hearing about a kiss?” David asked with a full mouth. He had rounded the corner from the sitting room, munching on a sandwich. “You finally got a bird to sing for you or something?”
“David,” Sarah admonished gently. “Don’t speak like that.”
After swallowing the obscene amount of food in his mouth, David shrugged and began to walk away. “I’m just glad he isn’t gay. Dad would’ve lost it.”
As if a cold wave had crashed over him, Nick felt all excitement vanish. Distantly, he heard Sarah chide David once more. He smiled at Sarah before excusing himself to his room, needing to be away from David in order to process his thoughts. Once laying down on his bed and shutting his eyes, his mind whirred anxiously. He wanted to talk openly about how he was feeling. If only there was someone he could be truly open with…
Charlie…
It had been over a month since he’d last seen the boy. Perhaps he’d show up tonight, if Nick’s brain was kind to him. Now more than ever, Nick needed to see him, to tell him about everything that happened today. Despite believing that Charlie was a dream, Nick found solace in his company. When Olly was born shortly after their promise, Charlie raved about the cute bundle of joy and how excited he was to be a big brother. Now, Nick had news he wanted to share with Charlie.
Soon, Nick felt his eyes grow heavy, the day’s events catching up to him. Before he knew it, he was pulled under, sleep embracing him peacefully.
🛌💤
Nick found himself sitting against a large tree on a hill. This time, however, it didn’t look like the one in Spain where he showed Nellie to Charlie for the first time. The overcast sky and bench by the path at the bottom of the hill were recognizable to Nick as the dog park by his house. He’d taken Nellie there countless times by now, and it seemed Nellie was there too, bounding down the hill and barking with excitement.
“Hello, precious girl,” cooed Nick’s favourite voice. “I’m happy to see you too! Where’s Nick?”
Charlie looked up and smiled tiredly when he saw Nick, still against the tree and waving at him. Charlie’s eyes appeared pained and unhappy. This simply wouldn’t do and must be corrected this instant. Thank goodness Nick had happy news.
“Hi, Char!” Nick grinned at his friend, hoping to infect him with his positive mood from today. He patted the space beside him. “Come sit! I have news!”
Charlie slid into the spot next to Nick and stared at him in confusion, his thick eyebrows furrowed. “Char? Am I cool enough to earn a little nickname like that?”
“Oh—oh,” Nick sputtered, his cheeks warming as he giggled and shook his head. “That just sort of slipped out! Sorry!”
“Don’t be! I like it!” Charlie rested his head on his hand, covering his mouth bashfully. “It’s cute.”
“Now I’m never going to call you it again.” Nick resolutely shook his head, busying himself with Nellie, who’d followed Charlie up the hill and laid down between them. Sometimes he felt like dream-Nellie liked Charlie more than him. “Though, I like the idea of me giving people special ‘Nick’names.”
Charlie snorted and scratched behind Nellie’s ear, the dog happily eating up all the attention. “You’re so cringe.”
“Can’t be too cringe if you keep letting me see you,” Nick smirked, leaning on Charlie’s shoulder. “Or if I managed to have my first kiss!”
Charlie whipped his head around and gaped at Nick with a shocked expression. “What?”
“I know!” Nick exclaimed, oozing with joy. “It happened so fast but she’s really pretty and sweet!”
Charlie’s expression shifted a lot, as if he wasn’t sure how to control it. He remained quiet for a few moments before a smile crept up his face. “That’s awesome. I’m happy for you!”
“Thanks,” Nick giggled, crossing his legs and turning his body to properly look at his friends, one hand still carding through Nellie’s fur. “I had an awesome day. Remember Sai?”
Charlie nodded, seemingly busy with Nellie as she rose to lick at his face and cuddle into him. “Yeah, I do. He seemed nice based on what you said.”
“He is nice! He’s probably my second closest friend, after you.” Nick poked Charlie’s cheek, smiling at him. “Sai said his family is going on vacation and invited a lot of us on the team, so I’m going to join him.”
They fell into an easy conversation about where and when, Nick excitedly expressing his giddiness to someone who wasn’t his mum. After filling Charlie in on all the details, they began to talk about Nick’s other family and friends.
“Mum is doing good, she’s still awesome and far too lenient on David. He’s been such an arsehole lately,” Nick complained, now lying down with his head on Charlie’s lap, a position that wasn’t unusual for them. “He couldn’t even be happy that I kissed someone. Just said that he was glad I wasn’t gay.”
Above him, Charlie kept quiet and fidgeted with his unruly hair, his shoulders tense and his gaze turned toward something off in the distance. Finally, he asked a question in a noticeably nervous voice. “Do you think being gay is a bad thing?”
Nick reached out and grabbed Charlie’s hand, squeezing it once. “No. Not even a little. I hate that he says that stuff. Same with some of my teammates. I… it makes me feel bad when they say stuff like that. I don’t know where they get it from, but they’re wrong.”
Charlie’s shoulders relaxed but he still frowned and wouldn’t meet Nick’s eye. “I know some boys like that too. Some big guys on the sports team. They’re… not very nice.”
“I wouldn’t ever think that way,” Nick emphatically swore and wrapped his pinkie around Charlie’s, hoping Charlie would remember how he helped Nick all those years ago. “I pinky promise that I don’t think the way they do. I don’t think anyone is gross! Well, except David.”
“David is gross. You don’t think I’m gross, do you?” Charlie snorted, shaking his head at him while Nick pressed on.
“I wouldn’t ever think you were gross or anything bad! Hell, I’m surprised someone as cool as you wastes your time on me.”
Charlie blushed a deep pink and bit his lip, failing to restrain a smile. “I’m not cool!”
“You are!” Nick insisted, keeping their hands interlocked. “You’re so smart and well spoken! I know some grownups who aren’t as brainy as you.”
Charlie shook his head indignantly, those curls once again distracting Nick. He had the oddest urge to reach out and play with them. He was so jealous of Charlie’s hair. It was so good looking and soft and…
Springy! Ha!
“What are you chuckling at?” Charlie asked, hovering over Nick’s face with a frown. “Something funny about my hair?”
“It’s springy,” Nick said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. When Charlie’s expression remained unchanged, Nick emphasised his point further by pulling on a lock of Charlie’s hair with one hand and pointing at Charlie with his other. “Spring!”
Charlie rolled his eyes and bellowed out a laugh, leaning back against the tree. “That was dumb.”
“You’re dumb!” Nick stuck out his tongue playfully. “You laughed, so ha! I win!”
“You’re a dork,” Charlie sighed, smiling down at him. He looked up at the sky and settled in against the tree, his expression wistful and contemplative. “I want to tell you something but I’m scared. Can we just sit here for a bit first?”
“Yeah,” Nick nodded and decided to join in on the cloud watching, trying to find shapes in the endless sea of sky cotton. “Take as long as you need. You can tell me anything.”
They remained that way for quite some time, comfortably quiet and peaceful. Nellie crawled up closer on her stomach, resting her head on Nick’s chest and staring up at the boys. They both cooed at her and gave her head pats and ear scratches. Nick found moments like these to be his favourite. There weren’t any expectations or demands about what he should do or want. It was just… his two closest friends.
Nick wanted Charlie to be real so desperately, his heart physically ached. He wished Charlie could come over and meet Sarah and Nellie for real; he knew they would love Charlie, especially Sarah. His mum would welcome Charlie like the brother Nick never had (screw you, David) and Nellie might end up liking Charlie more than him, if Dream Nellie was anything to go by.
“I’m pretty sure I’m gay,” Charlie spoke, words cutting the silence and bringing Nick back to the present. “I think maybe… I’ve always suspected I am.”
Nick swallowed around the lump in his throat, his heart rate skyrocketing at the admission. His stomach tingled and he couldn’t force the right words out. He knew he had to say something – hell, anything at this point! He may not have understood what Charlie was feeling but he knew this was a big moment for his friend. He had to show support here.
Come on! Don’t screw this up!
“Thank you for telling me.” Nick grabbed Charlie’s hand and squeezed it between both of his own. He paused for a few moments, wanting to choose his words carefully, willing his erratic brain to catch up and focus for once. “This doesn’t change anything between us. You’re still my best friend, no matter what. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Charlie bit at his lower lip, his hand shaking in Nick’s. “I just—I really don’t want you to hate me like those other boys do. They say horrible things and—”
Nick extracted Nellie from on top of him and rose to his knees. Wrapping his arms around Charlie, he squeezed him tightly, burying his face into Charlie’s shoulder, tears threatening to spill onto Charlie’s shirt. Somehow, he gathered the strength to speak. If there was ever a time to pour his heart out, it’s now. Fuck David. Fuck Harry. Fuck Stéphane. The things they were saying were wrong and if dreaming up Charlie being gay was the only way for him to rebel, Nick was going to take the opportunity.
“I wish I could stop them. They’re arseholes who don’t get how cool you are. I promise you I don’t think less of you. One day, you’re going to make some guy really happy, if that’s what you want. Anyone would be the biggest idiot if they missed out on the chance to be with you,” Nick sniffled and did the only thing that felt right in the moment. He pressed a chaste kiss to Charlie’s cheek, his heart fluttering at the softness of Charlie’s skin. “I’m proud to be your friend.”
Charlie looked stunned into silence, his wide eyes brimming with tears. His speech kept faltering, as if the words kept catching in his throat. “Nick—I don’t—that’s so—”
Charlie, apparently deciding words weren’t enough, fell into Nick’s chest, sobbing and whimpering his appreciation. Most of it was lost to Nick, but one phrase stood out amongst the others.
“I wish I had someone like you for real,” Charlie said.
Before Nick could properly question Charlie, an alarm loudly blared, jolting Nick out of his dream.
Charlie: 12
“I wish I had someone like you for real,” Charlie wept into Nick’s shirt.
“Charlie!” Jane called from behind his door. “Time for school!”
Charlie snapped his eyes open and looked around in confusion. When he realised where he was, he groaned in despair and wiped away the remnants of tears. His eyes swept over his room, willing Nick to appear and save him from what was sure to be a shit day – to sweetly bundle Charlie up and hold him like he just was in the dream.
Shambling like a zombie, Charlie mindlessly readied himself, slipping on his uniform and walking to the bus with Tori after a light breakfast.
Tori tried to strike up a conversation about last night’s tasteless “roast” that their father made, but Charlie didn’t have the energy for it, only supplying brief, one-worded answers. When she gave up, they sat quietly, neither knowing how to say what they really wanted to. Guilt ate away at him, twisting his insides into a mess of regret and frustration.
As the bus rumbled its way to Truham Grammar School for boys, Charlie’s mind ran in circles. He knew it couldn’t be healthy to be so reliant on a fictional person in this way. Nick was literally his dream boy. He didn’t exist. No one could be that perfect. At the same time, Charlie couldn’t find it in him to let Nick go, even if doing so would be the logical choice. He spent the rest of the ride flip-flopping between the two, unsure of how to do either.
Something had to give; Charlie had to come to a decision. As things stood, Nick was the greatest comfort of his life, outside of Tori. Nick always managed to do and say the right thing. Charlie trusted him. Last night was a prime example of how good he was.
But he’s not real, you little weirdo, said a mean voice in his mind. Stop being so needy!
By the time Charlie stepped off the bus and was facing the school doors, he was resolute in his decision. He had to let go of Nick. The voice in his head was mean, but it wasn’t wrong. Clinging to something like Nick was only going to make things worse for him in the long run. From their shared laughter to Nick’s unwavering support, last night was perfect in every way… but it wasn’t real. No matter how badly Charlie yearned for it to be. If someone like Nick existed, they surely wouldn’t be so kind, so understanding and so handsome. Definitely not.
As Charlie walked the halls of Truham, he imagined what everyone around him would say if they knew how lonely and desperate he was. They’d surely point and laugh at the poor, lonely gay boy who needed to invent someone to care about him.
“Charlie! Over here!” Tao waved him over from where he was standing with two other students from the film club. “Dylan here has a good movie recommendation for you.”
I suppose it’s not all bad, Charlie smiled as he walked over to the group. I have people who care, even though Nick isn’t real. Tao and Tori. Maybe today is the day things get better for me.
Charlie: 13
Year 9 started off pretty well for Charlie. Over the past year, he’d grown into his sexuality more and more. He’d even grown comfortable enough to officially come out to Tori and, a few months later, Tao and their new friends Isaac, who had been dropping subtle hints that he was queer friendly given the small rainbow badges and book selection, and Elle, an artsy and creative girl who had been kind to Charlie from the moment they met in Mr. Ajayi’s art room during lunch. Their little group was a haven of acceptance and support, so coming out to them was a given. They hugged him and reassured him that it changed nothing for them, that they would always be his friend and even took the piss out of him for being nervous to tell them. All in all, coming out to his loved ones had been a freeing and emotional experience.
Hell began the week after, in the form of pointed looks and speculative whispers. The morning it fell upon him, Charlie walked by the outdoor picnic tables to some mostly harmless teasing from some of the Year 12s; that much wasn’t new, but it still sucked to be called a cocksucker at 8AM. Over the next few weeks, the harassment escalated, moving to the hallways and progressing to shoving, mostly against lockers and walls. If this had been the end of the bullying, maybe Charlie could bear it with gritted teeth.
Unfortunately, it didn’t end there.
What cracked the ground open and unleashed Charlie’s demons was a large, brutish-looking Year 12 lad who followed Charlie inside the school and pushed him inside the locker room as he happened to walk by the door. Charlie only had enough time to be shocked before the… person began their assault.
Truthfully, Charlie didn’t remember the first time all that well. After the blossom of pain from the initial punch to his stomach, his mind turned off. It was similar to watching a show, as if the person being attacked wasn’t him. The rest of the event was carefully placed bruises, hateful words and a promise for more should Charlie tell anyone what happened.
Charlie missed his first lesson that day.
🕰️🕰️🕰️
Charlie stumbled through the rest of the month, ignoring all the pain and pretending nothing happened. He couldn’t bear the thought of really analysing his experience with the nameless bully. He couldn’t even think of the word “assault” in relation to that day; his brain refused to accept it. He felt that if he did use that word, he would be a victim, that he would cause yet another problem for his family and friends. He could not be even more of a burden.
People already hate you enough as it is, the cruel voice sneered. Making yourself small is the least you could do.
And so, that’s what Charlie did. He ensured that he took up as little space in every way he could. Physically, socially, and even emotionally. The hope was that if he did this, nobody would bother with attacking him again. Miraculously, this worked for the vast majority of the year. Aside from some verbal harassment, he was left alone.
Until the end of the year, that is.
When Charlie was walking to his locker after staying late after school for an art project, he found himself being pushed inside the locker room once more, ruthless strikes and vile rhetoric being spat in his face. This time, when the first blow to his stomach came, Charlie’s mind stayed present, refusing to let him escape this. His heart rate spiked and his stomach tied into a knot. As the beating continued, all he could do was close his eyes and pray for it to be over soon.
The worst part of it all wasn’t the pain. No, the worst part was that when the pain reached its climax, Charlie became weak enough to start openly crying and pleading for Nick to help him, to make all of this stop. As the broken words poured from his mouth, he felt bile rise, threatening to spill out, shame rolled over him in waves. He’d done his best to not think about Nick and he failed.
“Please make it stop, Nick,” Charlie beseeched between sobs. “Please save me.”
“Who’s Nick? Is that your little boyfriend?” The bully shook Charlie roughly, making his vision blur. “Guess what? He’s not coming!”
And he never will, hissed the cruel voice in Charlie’s mind. Now shut up and take what you deserve.
🕰️🕰️🕰️
The throbbing pains made sleep difficult to achieve, but with enough time, Charlie finally slipped under around 2AM, his exhausted body and vulnerable mental state unable to keep the dreams of Nick away. For the first time in a long while, Charlie let himself succumb to the desire of seeing Nick, needing his sunshine smile and Nellie’s unconditional love.
🛌💤
The sky was clear and the sun hung low, casting the park in the warm pinkish glow of dawn. Charlie’s body felt light and floaty, as if he wasn’t touching the ground. Taking stock of himself, his eyes widened and he audibly gasped, the sound reverberating across the landscape.
His body appeared incorporeal, transparent with a strange blue glow. If he wasn’t acutely aware that this was a dream, he would’ve thought he was a spectre. Flying through the air like Peter Pan, he searched the park for his and Nick’s tree, knowing Nick would be there. Finally spotting it, he saw two figures underneath. Charlie observed forlornly while slowly moving closer. When he was directly beside Nick, he lowered himself down, leaning out to touch his shoulder.
Charlie’s transparent fingers slipped through Nick, the phantom touch not alerting Nick to Charlie’s presence at all. Charlie waved his hands in front of Nick’s face and called his name. Nellie seemed unaware of Charlie as well as she sat next to Nick. She licked at Nick’s cheek and whined.
“I know, girl,” Nick said sympathetically, taking her face in his hands and scratching her cheeks. His eyes glistened in the sunrise that crept steadily higher. “I don’t know where he is. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen him, huh? I miss him too.”
Nellie laid down and rested her head on Nick’s knees, her ears pulled back. “We’ll see him soon, Nellie. I bet he misses you as much as you miss him.”
Charlie rose to his feet and shouted that he did miss them; of course he did. No matter how hard he tried, his proclamations went unanswered. Sinking to the ground, his throat closed up. Rubbing his stinging eyes, he brought his knees up and rested his forehead on them, unable to look at their sad faces. Leave it to his brain to self-destruct in this way as well.
I guess I do deserve this, Charlie thought as the sun rose, bringing an end to the dream in a bright, white light.
🕰️🕰️🕰️
Summer thankfully brought Charlie some reprieve from school and the hellish torment it brought. His mother was slightly less strict during the holidays, allowing movie nights with Tao, Elle, and Isaac, trips into town, and even an amusement park with Ollie once.
Once Year 10 started, Charlie avoided the hallway containing the locker room as much as he could. Even if his detour took him the long way around, the very sight of the large, heavy door made him sick. He’d even asked his friends to walk the long way, citing that some bullies loitered near there. Being no stranger to harassment themselves, they took his words as the whole truth. It technically wasn’t a lie, Charlie reasoned. He was simply keeping some details to himself.
On particularly bad days, Charlie would hide away in the art room for lunch or spend his free period pounding out his emotions on the drums in the music block. Drumming was a habit he’d picked up in the last few years, and it provided a serene sense of catharsis that almost nothing else could help him achieve. When he was lost in a beat, all the self-hatred melted away, leaving only the pleasant burn in his arms and satisfaction of being good at something. Perhaps it was foolish but Charlie did have a small amount of pride for his drumming skill.
One day, a month before the winter break, this fugue state was the reason Charlie didn’t notice someone entering the music room. What brought him out was the soft clearing of a throat and a gentle hand on his shoulder. Whipping around, Charlie nearly dropped his drumsticks. For a moment, he feared the Year 12 bully from last year had found him, and his heart raced.
When he realised it wasn’t the bully, he took in the boy’s appearance. His soft, brown hair was quaffed perfectly and his school uniform hugged his lean, tall body nicely. He was handsome, with tan skin and hazel eyes. He smiled softly at Charlie and waved. He didn’t look like any of the other bullies, so Charlie relaxed minutely.
“I’m sorry to startle you,” the boy chuckled. “I just wanted to say that you’re really good. It’s Charlie, right?”
He knows my name? How? Why? I don’t know him.
“I’m Ben, by the way.” His voice was gentle, barely above a whisper despite the quiet. He gestured at the seat beside Charlie. “May I sit?”
“Sure,” Charlie nodded slowly, wary but not opposed to the other boy’s presence. “I’m Charlie, yes.”
“I heard about you coming out last term. That was really cool of you to do,” Ben started after a short pause. “Not everyone can pull that off.”
“Well… it wasn’t exactly my choice,” Charlie ruefully muttered, lightly tapping the drumsticks on the skin of a drum while brief flashes of being pushed into lockers and judgmental looks played in his mind.
“Still,” Ben persisted, nudging his knee against Charlie’s and looking into his eyes unabashedly. “You’re very brave for putting up with it all.”
Charlie eyed where their legs touched and felt his cheeks warm. “Thank you.”
Nick: 16
It was the first day back from the winter break and despite the chill in the air, Nick and the rest of the rugby team were horsing around, passing the ball and running to made-up goalposts before being tackled. Lots of students hung around before the first bell rang and they were used to having a little audience that cheered or watched passively as they conversed with each other. Nick knew some of the other players (Otis and Christian included) liked the attention from the girls from Higgs, the all-girls school next to Truham.
Not that Nick minded the attention himself. On the contrary, he liked the ego stroke from time to time; he was only human after all. However, the past year had left Nick feeling…strange. On the surface, everything was good but despite hanging out with his friends frequently and things at home being relatively calm since David was at Uni, he couldn’t shake this sense of distant discomfort. It was nearly intangible, phantasmal in its form, and Nick couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but there was definitely something off.
This inability to even know what was wrong prevented Nick from voicing his concerns to anyone aloud. There was a time he would have told his dream friend, Charlie, but he hadn’t heard from him in years. Nick hadn’t had a lucid dream since the year prior and even then, it only included him and Nellie playing and waiting for someone who never showed up. Now, Nick couldn’t think of anyone who could understand. Maybe his mum would help, but he didn’t want to burden her. She already went through so much with Stéphane and David; the last thing Nick wanted to do was add to her plate.
Most of the lads weren’t really an option. Christian was the most socially thick person he’d ever met, Nick thought affectionately. He hadn’t hung out with Otis enough to know his true thoughts on certain topics. Harry was a hard “no” for so many reasons. Sai was…
Actually, Nick thought. Sai might work. I’ve known him the longest and he’s always pointedly not laughing when the rest of the lads get mean or too rowdy. Maybe…
The starting bell put an end to the roughhousing, and the rush of students began their herd-like movements to their lockers and lessons. As Nick moved through the halls, the school-wide intercom came on, Principal Barnes’s voice beginning the daily reminder for any news or updates on activities and events.
“As a reminder, due to ongoing concerns regarding our proposed mixing of years for Form, we’ve decided to postpone said plan for the time being. Head to your usually assigned houses.
“Additionally, prefects and faculty are encouraged to listen to any students seeking guidance or help, especially in regards to bullying. We take harassment and violence very seriously here at Truham, so this year we are cracking down on wrongdoings. You might notice an increase in security presence and surveillance. We took every measure to ensure your classes and extracurricular activities aren’t disrupted or intruded on. We aim for this school to be one of safety and comfort for everyone. Now, let’s start the school year off correctly, boys! Have a good rest of your day.” Click
Confusion rolled through the crowd, students whispering in contemplation. Nick, Sai and Christian all looked at each other with raised brows as they slowly walked through the halls.
“Something had to have happened, yeah?” Sai asked Nick, his expression growing worried. “I know some of the guys can be a bit… knobish, but do you actually think someone got violent? Can’t be anyone on the team. We would’ve known.”
“I don’t know,” Christian shrugged, apparently unaffected by the ominous message. “Kieran can be a right hothead. Wouldn’t surprise me if he slugged someone who said the wrong thing.”
“Definitely not someone on our team,” Nick shook his head. “Maybe the coach knows something?”
🏉🏉🏉
Hard as Nick tried, Coach Singh refused to disclose any details about a possible event, simply saying that Nick was a good kid for looking out.
“It’s not your job, Nick,” Singh shook her head but clapped him on the shoulder. “You’re one of the good ones. Don’t ever lose that. If you see someone who needs help, support them and tell me right away. Bullying of any kind is not to be tolerated. I take this stuff very seriously.”
“Yes, Coach. I will,” Nick nodded and began to exit her office, catching sight of a photo on her desk as he turned around. In the photo, Coach Singh had her arms around a pretty, smiling woman, their heads leant against one another. The frame had multi-coloured heart stickers on it. “Coach?”
“Yes?” Singh looked up from a note she’d been reading.
“You and your wife look really happy,” Nick choked out, his palms sweating. “I’ll do my best to keep a lookout. No one should feel unsafe. I… I really want to start doing better. I think—I think I’ve been letting some stuff slide with the lads and I shouldn’t. Not then and not now. ”
“That’s really good to hear, son. Keep that mindset. We need more of that on this team. And, thank you,” Singh looked smitten as she adjusted the angle of the photo on her desk. “Met her playing rugby, actually. She was my biggest fan… after she tore apart my technique that first time.”
Something about the anecdote made Nick laugh, startling even himself with its volume and authenticity. He wanted someone like that, a little sassy but sweet and kind. Bonus if they had dark hair and a cute giggle… “Didn’t know you were on a team like that. She sounds lovely.”
Singh folded her hands and looked him up and down, her eyes peering into him, perhaps seeing something even Nick wasn’t aware of yet. “She is. Nick, I’m here if you need to talk about anything. You can trust me.”
Nick felt anxiety crawl through him, his skin itching with the urge to run. He forced a smile on his face, nodding stiffly.
“Well, off to your lessons! Can’t be late this early in the term.”
Charlie: 14
Ben: Meet me in 20 when you finish playing? I miss you
Charlie: I’m busy, sorry.
Ben: Come on, Charlie! Stop being like this. I already said I was sorry for pretending not to know you in the hallway. You know I’m not out yet. I can’t have anyone finding out.
Charlie: What you said really hurt. Anyway, I can’t talk to you anymore. Stop messaging me.
Ben: You’re just scared we’re going to get caught! I know you want this. Can we please talk?
Charlie clenched his jaw in frustration, something angry and bold blossoming in his chest. This wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation or even one similar to it. The “relationship” between him and Ben started off as sweet and even a little hot with all the sneaking around and kisses in the library. Over the winter holidays, it soured, culminating in an incident where Ben walked past him in the hall.
Charlie really hadn’t been thinking anything of it when he greeted Ben. It was a basic, casual “hey.” Ben must’ve seen it as the equivalent of Charlie waving a huge pride flag around and declaring his big, GAY love for him because Ben scoffed and asked why Charlie was talking to him.
“I was just saying hello.” Charlie shrunk back, his feet frozen on the spot in front of his locker. “I didn—”
“I don’t know you. Don’t talk to me,” Ben interrupted, holding a hand up. He turned to his friend, a tall boy with glasses that Charlie vaguely recognized as someone from the rugby team. “You know this guy, Sai?”
Sai shook his head but looked a little uncomfortable to be put on the spot. When only silence hung in the air, Ben tugged Sai’s elbow. “Let’s just go, mate. Don’t have to hang around the queers.”
Without a second glance, the two boys proceeded down the hallway, leaving Charlie with a twisting stomach.
While this encounter had been bad, it wasn’t why Charlie had been putting distance between them lately. Yesterday, three weeks after returning from the break, Charlie had been walking out of the school toward the bus stop when he caught sight of Ben talking to a girl.
Ben’s fingers were playing with her hair, their bodies leaning together. He wore a sweet smile, one that Charlie had assumed was only for him. The girl giggled at something he said, and Charlie couldn’t take it anymore. He turned away and walked down the road to Higgs, hoping to find Tori.
Now, as Charlie sat in front of the drum kit and read their text thread, that anger boiled up in him. His mind warred with itself, caught between trying to defend Ben and righteous indignation.
Maybe there is some kind of explanation. Maybe she’s just a friend. I shouldn’t assume the worst of Ben. He says he likes me…
No, wait. Where the hell does he get off thinking he can string me along? He has a girlfriend and he’s been sneaking around with me! What an arsehole!
Ben: Don’t ignore me, Charlie!
Heading home early so as to not run into Ben, Charlie sunk into a seat on the bus and leaned against the window, grateful for the momentary solitude. It was Friday, so he still had a few minutes before there would be a small rush of students, and he needed it after the surge of anger Ben’s text had caused.
Charlie must’ve let his guard down because when someone plopped down next to him, he jumped, eyes already seeking an exit.
“Woah! Sorry for sneaking up on you.” The boy raised his hands in a placating manner, scooting to the edge of the seat. When Charlie nodded and visibly relaxed, he continued. “It’s me, Sai. From the hallway with Ben. I wanted to apologise.”
Charlie eyed Sai up and down, levelling a sceptical scowl. “For what?”
“For letting Ben be weird when you said hi,” Sai said, shrugging sheepishly. “I don’t know what his problem was, but it was awkward as hell.”
“That’s…alright. It’s no problem.” Charlie relaxed his face and folded his hands in his lap. “I really had no business talking to him. Just felt like being nice.”
“Yeah,” Sai sighed, drawing out the last syllable. “He’s always been really douchey, but he was extra knobby with you. No clue what crawled up his arse.”
Charlie snorted in surprise, unable to contain his laugh. “It’s really not an issue. No hard feelings against you. It’s not as though you did anything bad.”
“That’s the thing though, I did. I was just talking to a mate of mine over lunch recently and we’re both tired of letting people get away with stuff,” Sai admitted, leaning back and frowning as he stared ahead. “Taking the piss is one thing. I get that part, but have you seen the new security stuff? That’s not done over name calling. Something bad happened, and I don’t know what, but it was bad enough to cause the school to act. We’re tired of arseholes, so we’re gonna help stop that shit when we can.”
Charlie swallowed and nodded stiffly, praying that Sai wouldn’t inquire about the incident. Last thing he wanted was to explain how that happened. Still, if Sai wasn’t pretending or tricking him, this was a potential sign of change. “You’re serious?”
Sai nodded solemnly, holding his hand out in an offering to shake, smiling when Charlie took it. “Very much so. I’m sorry for not standing up for you better. I know how dealing with ignorant bellends can be. The amount of curry jokes even guys on the team make can be annoying, much less online.”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with that. As if the colour of your skin matters.” Charlie shook his head, disappointed in humanity.
“Or who you stick your dick in,” Sai nudged Charlie with a knowing smirk. “Oh! Fall in love with. Too much lad time. Sorry.”
“Eloquently put,” Charlie chuckled. “Yeah, Truham hasn’t been the most welcoming place.”
“Has Ben been bothering you at all? I can talk to him, if you want,” Sai offered. “I’ll be as subtle as I can.”
“No— no. No, it’s ok,” Charlie stumbled out. “Thank you for inquiring and I hope you keep up the change. It’s very noble of you.”
“Just doing the right thing,” Sai assured, rising to his feet and offering Charlie a fistbump. “Message on Insta if you need any help? Should be easy to find me through Ben’s.”
Charlie meekly accepted the fistbump before giving Sai a thumbs-up. When Sai departed, Charlie sighed in relief.
While he was confused about where this all came from, he still felt a small spark of change.
🕰️🕰️🕰️
That afternoon, when Charlie was lying in bed and staring at Ben’s Insta profile, he bit the bullet and tapped the block button, throwing his phone to the side and heaving a heavy breath after. He couldn’t believe he’d done it. He’d actually cut off Ben. It wasn’t an easy choice, not by a long shot. It’d taken him nearly an hour of anxious pacing in his room but he did it.
Holy shit.
The sheer relief that Charlie felt was liberating. He’d spent months dealing Ben’s hot and cold demeanour, and now that it was over, he was amazed at how light he felt. Charlie clutched at his chest and laughed heartily, not caring if he sounded crazy.
“Got rid of the knob then? Or is this a reconciliation celebration?” Tori asked, appearing at his bedside with no noise.
He felt too happy to even care about the minor heart attack her fright gave him. He sat up and she slid onto the bed next to him without a word, her eyes piercing through him. “Olly is downstairs asking if you’ve gone mental.”
“Got rid of him,” Charlie revealed, a proud smirk stretching across his face. “Realised he was a pest, and I was done with him bullying me into forgiveness. He’s not even that great at kissing.”
“Well done, then.” Tori wore the echo of a smile as she wrapped an arm around him. “You deserve better than him. Now to get you someone who you can have a laugh with.”
“And tall,” Charlie added, counting on his fingers. “And kind. Maybe freckles. Lopsided smile. Strong body.”
“You have someone in mind?” Tori asked sagely, clearly believing she already knew the answer. She likely did, if Charlie was honest.
“Maybe.” Charlie bit his lip and thought of the park and a tree on a hill. “All I know is that I have someone I need to apologise to. Made him a promise and I need to fix it before anything else.”
After a few moments of silence, Tori ushered him off the bed. “Let’s order a pizza and go watch terrible horror movies. You’ll worry about that another day.”
“Order it! I just need to take a walk. Get some fresh air,” Charlie told her as they descended the stairs, grabbing his jacket and heading out the door. “Get the cheesy chips! Olly said he liked them like last time!”
Arriving at the park, Charlie wandered aimlessly, not knowing what he was expecting out of this spur of the moment trip. Something in his bones pulled him here, calling to him. It wasn’t until he found himself atop a hill staring at a familiar tree that he knew he’d found the right place.
He’d sat here with Nick countless times in his dreams. He’d begun to refer to it as their spot by the time he was 10. This was as good a location as any to say sorry. To let go.
Planting himself down and leaning against the tree, Charlie let out a slew of words. Every thought and feeling he’d been keeping inside came pouring out. From his resentment toward his parents, to yelling about Ben, and ending with the hardest part.
“…and to you, Nick, I say I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break our promise. I’m a shitty friend who doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. And maybe I’m fucking insane for talking out loud to myself, but I don’t care because it feels so cathartic to finally talk about you.” Charlie sniffed, near tears. “You’re probably just a way for my brain to cope. You exist as a therapeutic outlet. I know that. That doesn’t give me an excuse. You were there when I needed a friend, and when I was lost in my head, convincing myself that I didn’t matter and deserved whatever I was dealt, I abandoned you. I shut you out. I’m so sorry…”
He sat there in silence, curled up and letting himself feel everything, regardless of how it may look to others. In the distance dogs barked, children laughed and the wind rustled the sea of leaves.
Only a few more minutes, Charlie thought, feeling better than he had in a long time. When he sat there, he felt closer to Nick than he had in years. He wasn’t ready to go yet. I just need to sit here a little while. Then I can let go of you…
Quick and light footsteps crunched the leaves, coming closer and closer. All Charlie had time to do was look up and yelp.
Nick: 16
For the rest of the month after speaking with Singh, things at Truham progressed much the same as they usually did, outside of a security guard hanging around every so often. The lads were still rowdy, the halls were still hectic and, unfortunately, Nick still felt that same sense of disquiet. It was like an itch on his soul that demanded attention. As much as Nick was trying to ignore it, he knew part of why he was unsettled.
I miss Charlie, he mentally moped. It’s fucking stupid but I can’t help it. I want to talk to him, have him tell me what’s been wrong with me. I wonder if he’s ok. I thought… he promised he wouldn’t abandon me. Am I really this awful? Do I drive everyone away?
Weary and growing antsy in his room with Nellie one Friday after school, Nick decided to take a walk to calm down; some fresh air would do him some good. Maybe go to the movies, hang out with Sai and talk more about how they could help prevent bullying.
As he put his shoes on, Nellie barked and wiggled in excitement, standing next to the end table where her leash was kept beside the door. Her big, brown eyes implored him, beseeching him to include her in this coveted activity. “Oh, alright, Nells. Walkies!”
“Bork!”
💙🍂💛
The trip to the park was a struggle, to say the least. Nellie, normally well-behaved and patient, made it her mission to tug Nick to their destination, no matter how many times he was liable to stumble.
“Nellie!” Nick sighed amusedly, keeping a tight grip on her leash. “Are you trying to kill me? What’s the rush? The park will be there if we walk!”
“Bork!”
“Right. Guess that settles that.”
Once they reached the park, (in record time) Nellie sniffed around the paths, searching for…whatever dogs searched for. Nick never quite figured that part out. She wasn’t much of a hunter. Then again, Nick recalled something about her breed being used for herding…
Fast as lightning, Nellie bolted down the path and up the hill toward a large tree, her lead slipping from Nick’s grasp and nearly causing him to faceplant on the ground. When he regained his senses, Nick looked up towards the tree and realised it was the very same one from his dream, where he’d often met Charlie. As he rose to his feet, he heard a series of barks and yelps. Hoping Nellie didn’t disturb some poor picnicers, Nick ran to follow the sound.
When he crested the hill, heart pounding and lungs burning from the sudden full sprint, he stopped dead in his tracks.
“Oh my god,” a voice from beneath an excited Nellie cried happily. “You’re such a pretty girl! You know, you remind me of someone.”
Nick’s mind spun, grappling with the impossibility of it all. His vision grew blurry at the edges. The trees rustled in the breeze as distant urban noise faded out, leaving only the three of them on the hill. Memory upon memory flooded him. Laughter. Tears. Comfortable silence. Companionship.
I know that voice.
Nellie let the boy rise to a sitting position, still licking his face like she was reunited with an old friend.
“Now where did you come from? Is your owner nearby…” the boy’s words faded out as his wide, mesmerising, blue eyes made contact with Nick’s.
The cosmos could never compare.
“Hi,” Nick whispered breathlessly, not knowing what else to say.
“Hi,” Charlie returned, sounding every bit as breathless.
🍂🍂🍂