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Despair was all consuming. The gnawing feeling of emptiness, of hopelessness, of misery, permeating every inch of her down to the soul, an ever-expanding black hole of pure unfettered suffering.
There wasn’t any way to return.
There was nothing to return for.
Guilt, anger, loneliness, fear, all mixed together into the worst concoction that only felt like an endless stretching void.
The world doesn’t exist beyond here. There is only now.
There is only regret.
Mizuki stretched her arms out, laying flat on her back against the lake’s edge. How much time had passed here? She wasn’t sure. Time didn’t exist in the wasteland of this Sekai. It could’ve been an hour. It could’ve been a week. Who really cared. The Sekai took care of her needs, she didn’t feel especially hungry or even need to use the bathroom. Maybe time just worked differently here. Maybe the world itself was consuming her.
It didn’t matter. She just wanted to lie down.
It wasn’t easy, knowing her life had been ruined. The ache in her heart burned stronger than ever, the feelings muddled in her mind. She wanted to talk to her friends, but she couldn’t. She wanted to allow their acceptance, but she couldn’t.
Any revelation of the truth would be mired in pitying glances and a fake sympathy to make her feel better. No one would ever be able to be honest with her again, or at least she’d never be able to fully trust them. Not with how it was revealed. She’d always be a monster, someone who could tell strangers but not her friends, someone untrustworthy and cold.
Mizuki wanted to talk to them. But she could never see them again.
She was tired.
At least she could sleep here. The world was still, and Mizuki was too.
“…Mizuki. Mizuki.”
A voice spoke from above her. Annoying. She wanted to be alone. Without even looking up she gave a response.
“Go away.”
“Mizuki, here.”
She huffed, opening her eyes to see Miku standing over her, white hair falling over her eyes as she leaned down towards Mizuki. Ah. Guilt stung as she saw her sad, stilted expression. Miku only ever wanted what was best for her.
Mizuki softened as she sat up properly. Miku held something like a book in her hands, outstretched towards her.
“What’s that?”
“It’s for Mizuki. Here.”
Miku thrust the object into her hands. On closer inspection it was a tablet, and a pretty old looking one at that. The screen had a small crack in the side though it seemed to turn on just fine.
“Ah… thanks. Hey, where did you get this?”
“…You don’t remember? Mizuki gave it to us. As a present.”
“Oh… that’s right.” Mizuki vaguely remembered that. A while ago she’d thought maybe the Virtual Singers of this world would want to see how they were in real life, so she’d brought over a second-hand device to let them scroll the internet. It was too old to access social media, and it was pretty limited in what it’d show, so it seemed safe enough at the time.
“Well, thanks. But why are you giving it to me…?”
“Mizuki… must be bored. We get bored when no one comes to play with us. So Mizuki can have this. We can share.” Miku smiled, a tiny flicker of pride against her smooth, doll-like face.
Tears welled up in Mizuki’s eyes.
“Oh Miku… thank you. Thanks. I’ll, um, I’ll make sure I use it.”
“Good. That makes me happy.”,
With that, Miku walked off, as silently as she’d arrived. She must have been going to tell everyone else they managed to talk. This was bound to cause its own problems later… but at least she got to make someone smile. Causing something other than misery must be a step forward.
She turned the tablet over in her hands. It really was dated, and the screen was greasy with fingerprints. This must be a pretty popular thing, at least with some of them. Hopefully it hadn’t caused any major issues online.
Well, that was something else to worry about.
Strangely the battery didn’t seem to drain, stuck forever at the same percentage. Maybe because this world was digital, it didn’t need to charge? The physics of Sekai never made sense to her anyway, and it was true her cellphone never seemed to die. The internet signal was better than anything she’d seen in the real world, though that wasn’t too surprising seeing how this basically was the internet.
If no one could find her, and it was free to use anyway, what was the point in saying no? Even if just to keep Miku and the others from fussing around her when she wanted to be left alone.
“…Guess I’ll open it then.”
She pulled up a video streaming site. Without much functionality, watching videos seemed like the easiest way to pass the time, plus they’re pretty good distractions. Mizuki absentmindedly scrolled through the recommended page. A new Vocaloid song release, a challenge video, some kind of clickbait expose, everything you’d expect.
Until her eye caught something unexpected.
“More More Jump! Special: Minori’s Feel-Good Livestream…?”
It was streaming, right now. Mizuki couldn’t help but sate her curiosity, and opened to the waiting screen before the stream began. After a few moments of silence, a voice rang through the tablet’s tinny speakers.
“Ah, ah. Test! Can everyone hear me? Is the stream okay?”
The comments flooded in.
mikko: I can hear you!
yumemen: hiiii
kohamero: we cant see you
hitoP: There’s voice but…
“Eh? Ah! The loading image! Hold on hold on let me just-“ A brief clicking sound comes from the speakers before the image of a training room appears. Hanasato Minori runs to the centre of the screen looking sheepish. “Okay! Did that do it?”
kohamero: youre there lol
AD_0: that’s so minori
yuyu16: Everything looks great!
yumemen: lmao great job
“Wh- okay it’s working!” Minori smiled. Her smile always shines through the screen, brighter than any of the lights in the background. Man, idols really were something else.
“Ahem! It’s not a regular streaming day for More More Jump but I felt like doing something a little special! Everyone watching, have you heard of the May blues? It’s when people get all depressed, like, school’s back on and the holidays have finished and it’s right before the rainy season… it’s a hard time for a lot of people.”
maimai73: sooooo true
azu: My older sister has been really down
Mima: studying for midterms really….
“Ah! Right?! Midterms are really getting to me… second year material is so hard anyway, and having to ask for notes is even harder when you’re trying to study!” Minori pulled an exaggerated face of despair. …It’s cute. Even if the world is falling apart, it’s hard not to notice your oshi looking adorable.
“So, like, instead of getting down about it, I thought I’d do a special livestream! We can all talk about what’s bugging us, and I’ll sing people’s requests! It’ll give us more and more and more energy to get through the tough period! It’ll help us all get through midterms… I mean the May blues!”
“You should just study properly…” Mizuki spoke aloud to the screen without thinking.
aya_aya: no you really should just study instead
hitoP: That’s a wonderful idea!
mikko: Do your best!
kohamero: minori you have to do the work too lol
AD_0: is being harukas junior one of your fantasies? lmao
Minori looked flustered. “I’m doing it! I’m studying as much as I can mostly kind of! This stream is for everyone else, don’t worry about me!” Her voice shook with frustration, cutely wavering as she tried to get things back on track.
Mizuki smiled. A real smile. It felt like the smallest twitch of her lips, but seeing the comments echo exactly what she’d been thinking made something within her want to smile. Just a little bit. Just once. No matter how stupid the reason was.
“So! Does anyone have worries? Problems? Something to get off their chest? I’m gonna try and cheer up as many people as possible!” Minori flashed a peace sign. “Giving everyone something to hope for by solving their problems special livestream- go!”
The comments poured in with all kinds of responses. Some were stressed about not fitting in at school, some were worried about midterms, some were even struggling with deadlines at jobs. Friends, relationships, family, all sorts of petty worries filled the screen.
It was stupid. They were all such tiny concerns.
She kept thinking about closing the stream and going back to sleep, but she just couldn’t bring herself to close the window while seeing Minori’s thoughtful responses. Minori answered as many as she could, calling out specific comments and grouping similar ones together. She always read them carefully, being sure to say something kind to the listener. It never felt forced. Maybe this was an idols power, but it felt like she really cared. She really cared. She wanted to listen.
She wanted to help.
She wanted to give people something to hope for.
Mizuki’s fingers were typing before she could even process what she was doing.
“Ah a new one-! Let’s see… Amia said ‘I got into a fight with my friends. I kept secrets from them for a really long time, and someone told them behind my back. I’m sure they hate me now. How can I go back? And how can I explain without them treating me differently?’ Oh, hm.” Minori hesitated. Her face crumpled in concentration, clearly turning the comment over in her head.
Mizuki felt like punching herself in the face. Why would she ever do something so stupid? Why would she say that? Why did she send it? This was the worst thing she’d ever done. She needed to disappear somewhere even more remote than the Sekai. She couldn’t go back alive from pure embarrassment.
After a few moments, Minori spoke again.
“That sounds really difficult, Amia. Obviously, it’s not good to keep secrets but sometimes you have to, right? In case someone gets hurt. But… but even so, is change really so bad?”
Minori shook her head.
“I mean, a while ago I kept something really small a secret. I was practicing a lot, too much, to try and keep up with everyone else. I couldn’t accept that we were on the same level. But when the other members found out, they got really mad and scolded me. Because I was hurting myself for them, and if I carried on things would’ve only gotten worse. I was doing it for their sake, but if I hadn’t stopped I might’ve gotten super injured!”
hitoP: That’s so Minori
kohamero: that’s our minori
aya_aya: please put the same effort into your studies
She blushed. “Guys I’m being serious! But, really, if you’ve kept a secret to stop people getting hurt that happens. And, um, your friends might get mad if they found out. And they might treat you a little differently… I know Airi stopped putting as much pressure on me when she found out I was working too hard, to let me catch up naturally. But that wasn’t a bad thing! It needed to happen! Imagine if I’d done too much and could never dance again…!
“So dramatic…” Mizuki murmured
“Ahaha, was that too much?” Apparently the comments agreed. “But, that doesn’t matter! The point is, even though I hurt myself and even though things changed a little bit, no one hated me. And no one looked down on me. They only wanted to help, and that’s how I managed to get where I am now!”
Minori looked directly into the camera, a serious and determined expression set across her face. “I don’t know what your secret was, Amia, and I don’t know how hard this is. But… but you’ll only ever get better if you believe in your friends. Sometimes you have to trust someone else so you can move forwards. And if you can’t believe in your friends, then you can believe in me! I’m always making mistakes and making people mad, but I’ll keep trying more and more to get better! So, um, even if no one else believes in you, you can always come here and I’ll keep pushing you forward as Hanasato Minori, super idol! I’ll be there for you, even if it’s just the two of us against the world!”
Her face flushed red. “Ahhhhh, that was so embarrassing! Oh well, I’ve said it now. I shouldn’t try to be cool, Haruka-chan is so much better at it…”
yumemen: kyaaaa minori!!!!! >w<
kohamero: you did your best
“I meant it though! I’m being serious! Look, Amia, you should talk to your friends, I think. If you don’t, how will they ever know what they actually feel? Maybe they’ll try and understand you. You never know. You can always pick yourself back up no matter how many times you fall!”
Her bright, dazzling idols smile filled the screen. “I believe in you. I’ll always believe in you. And I’ll deliver all the hope you need, right here! No matter how bad today might be, tomorrow can always be better. You just have to try!”
You just have to try.
You just have to try.
The stream continued pretty normally from then on. More random concerns, a few song requests from the comments. An anime opening came up, though Minori barely knew the words. It was funny. Mizuki almost felt like smiling.
Those words pounded in her head. An endless loop going round and round and round without an end in sight. Dizzying. Breathtaking. Something digging into her even deeper than the hatred, the despair, the agony.
You just have to try.
You just have to try.
“It’s already this late?! Okay, let’s end the stream here! I hope everyone had fun watching a special Minori livestream! Um, the next unit stream is—”
The closing comments scrolled up the screen. How much time was that? It only felt like a few moments, but also an eternity.
As the stream ended for good and the last few comments drifted away, Mizuki closed the tablet. She stretched from where she lay beside the lake.
And she stood up.
“Okay. I’ll try.”
_________
hitoP: Have a lovely evening!
yumemen: byeeeee
kohamero: see ya minori good stream
Amia: Thank you.