Chapter Text
Wei Wuxian is 15 and has just returned from the Cloud Recesses after that disastrous three months he spent studying there, when he first finds a text that describes the complicated, delicate and more than rare “condition” of a pregnancy by dual cultivation.
At first Wei Ying, in all his youthful immaturity, scoffs and laughs at it, even though he can not deny being strangely fascinated by the idea.
Then he scoffs again. How foolish! This must be one of the silly little leaflets the common folk sell, with their outlandish fantastical stories about cultivators.
But the closer he looks, the more he is convinced this might just be a respectable, albeit old, source from a real cultivation background.
Wei Wuxian is glad that he is alone in his room at Lotus Pier because for all his shamelessness and talk, he can actually feel his cheeks burn.
>> making a pregnancy achievable for anyone, woman and man alike, whose body is strong enough and houses enough spiritual energy to supply the child with the energy needed on its own end to grow <<
There is, of course, no instruction on just how to achieve this because this author seems to be a respectable cultivator of admirable background who would never write about such lascivious things in an intellectual work of big scientific relevance, but Wei Wuxian is not an idiot. He is 15, more than old enough to know what “dual cultivation” entails.
The author warns that a pregnancy achieved this way is dangerous for parent and babe, though, as both need a constant and stable supply of spiritual energy, and especially the birth itself needed to be exchanged for a dangerous surgery if the parent happened to be a man.
Wei Wuxian can feel himself getting sick and throws the scroll back on the pile just as the author goes into detail about a man being cut open while wide awake.
It is almost time for supper. Best not think about things like these, or he will finally find something explicit enough to ruin his appetite.
Considering Wei Wuxian has never heard of it, it must either be a lost art or nothing but a hypothesis on the author’s part anyway.
That’s right! Wei Wuxian never wants to think about it again!
↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊ-
Wei Wuxian does, in fact, think about it again.
He thinks about it every time he passes a pregnant woman on the street, or sees parents with their young children held firmly in their arms. He thinks about it during training and practice, whenever his instructors or seniors tell him that the following exercise will be good to strengthen his golden core.
He is young, so very young, but something in his heart aches when he sees one of his older peers for the first time months after her wedding, with her belly large and round. She smiles when she greets him, introduces him to her husband and begins to excitedly tell him about her baby, what names they have chosen, when the little one is expected to be born, and how happy the couple is to meet them soon.
Wei Wuxian thinks about it in the quiet darkness of the night, lying alone on his bed and listening to the soft movements in the water outside.
He withstands for three months before he gets up one night and pulls the text out from one of the shelves he stored it in, hidden between dozens of other, far less incriminating scrolls.
>> only achievable for the most high-powered individuals <<
>> demands a high level of strength, discipline in addition to the amount of spiritual power <<
>> decades of preparation and devotion <<
The words stare up at Wei Wuxian from the scroll, almost seeming to glow bright under the dim light of the candle he has lit. What if it is possible, after all? Wei Wuxian can feel something nagging at him, a persistent feeling of… well. Of what, exactly?
Certainly of something. Wei Wuxian just cannot place it.
He carefully places the scroll back on the shelf and for just a moment feels a pang of regret.
>> demands a high level of strength, discipline in addition to the amount of spiritual power <<
Maybe he should have taken his study sessions at the Cloud Recesses more seriously. Maybe-
No.
What am I thinking? Wei Wuxian huffs out an exasperated, quiet laugh and decides to go back to bed.
↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊ-
Wei Wuxian keeps on living. He trains as he always does, joins his fellow juniors on Night Hunts and expeditions, hunts in the woods and swims in the lakes. He laughs with Jiang Yanli and play-fights with Jiang Cheng. He eats soup and drinks alcohol, knowing full well that on the outside it seems like nothing has changed.
But inside, deep in his heart, something has.
And if, for all his jesting and cheekiness, he takes sword and meditation lessons just a tad bit more serious than before, that is for him alone to know.
A year passes like that and Wei Wuxian watches the leaves turn golden, the lotus blossoms pine away in the lakes surrounding Yunmeng. It is then, at the archery competition in Qishan, that Wei Wuxian meets Lan Wangji again
The boy is as icy and unapproachable as ever but that makes Wei Wuxian want to tease him even more. As expected his efforts are met with nothing but dismissive coldness. Somehow the indifference bothers him a bit.
Wen Ning is shy, a fantastic archer and not half as unfriendly as Lan Wangji so Wei Wuxian decides to befriend him instead. The stuttering boy seems happy if a bit awkward under Wei Wuxian’s attention and tells him about his older sister, Wen Qing, a talented healer and scientist whose name Wei Wuxian has heard of before. It is said she is brilliant, her essays and scriptures unheard of in their creativity and genius, and for some reason that makes Wei Wuxian think of the scroll, that one cursed scroll he has been hiding for a long time now.
“Hey, Wen Ning,” he starts carefully as he watches the other boy’s arrow hit bullseye once more.
“Yes, Wei-gongzi?” Wen Ning replies softly, never meeting his eyes fully even though there is a soft smile on his lips.
“They say Wen gu-niang is a trailblazer in experimental medicine.”
Wen Ning smiles at the praise, obviously full of pride. “She is. My sister is the most talented healer in our entire clan.”
“Do you think…” Wei Wuxian trails off, catching himself just in time. What is he supposed to say? He can not speak of that scroll! How shameful would that be? If it were ever revealed… He would lose face for sure, and Jiang Cheng and the others would make fun of him for the rest of their lives.
Wen Ning is still looking at him expectantly and Wei Wuxian can feel a nervous uneasiness enter him as he realises that he has no idea what to say. Luckily, at that moment Wen Ning’s eyes flicker away from him, catching sight of something over Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. The other boy swallows hard and shifts uncomfortably, so much that Wei Wuxian turns his head in curiosity to see what has made his companion so restless.
And really - Lan Wangji is standing on the other side of the clearing, staring at the pair with tight eyebrows and an ice-cold, furious expression. Wei Wuxian can’t help but laugh. “No worries, Wen Ning, that’s just Lan Zhan! He always looks that way!” Lifting the hand not currently clutching his stomach, Wei Wuxian waves at him. “Hey Lan Zhan,” he calls loudly and brightly. “Why don’t you join us?”
Lan Wangji’s face sours further and even at this distance Wei Wuxian can see him mumble something under his breath before turning away in a flurry of bellowing, white sleeves.
Thankfully Wen Ning is so preoccupied with the terrifying memory of Lan Wangji’s angry gaze on him that Wei Wuxian never has to answer him.
↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊ-
The atmosphere in the cultivation world grows heavy. By the time the next year comes around there is something in the air. Something dangerous floats over all their heads like a dark storm cloud threatening to unleash a terrible deluge over all of them. Wei Wuxian can feel it in the wind, in the ground he walks on, see it in the faces of the adults around him, sense it in the tension that seems to reach even the juniors. They are all forced to grow up.
War is coming.
The scroll’s importance and every secret wish Wei Wuxian has ever had pales in comparison to the horrors to come.
↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊ-
It is only in the cave of the Xuanwu of slaughter, trapped in the deep, cold, wet earth with nothing but a small fire and his burning fever to keep him warm that Wei Wuxian can finally admit something.
I think… I think I would really like to have a baby.
It is a silly, embarrassing thought too shameless to say even for him and if it weren’t for his delirious, feverish state, he never even would have dared to think it.
But considering he will most likely die in this godsforsaken hole with no one to keep him company but Lan Zhan, who hates him, it can’t do any harm to finally admit it, right?
In his wild, confusing dreams he, for some reason, thinks of his parents.
Wei Changze.
Cangse Sanren.
A-die and A-niang.
Mama and baba.
He never even had memorial tablets for them.
He barely knows anything about them to begin with. Madam Yu had forbidden any mention of the pair and Jiang Fengmian knew better than to ignite her fury any more than Wei Wuxian’s presence alone already did.
But Wei Wuxian remembers anyway. Not much, only small bits and pieces. Confusing flashes that disturb his restless sleep.
He is sure he must have mumbled their names in his sleep.
“Mama,” he calls weakly, pathetically and he is glad no one but Lan Zhan is here to hear it. The boy is too proper and uptight to make fun of him anyway.
A cool hand brushes over his sweat-glazed forehead and Wei Wuxian sighs, distantly remembering the feeling of someone else touching his forehead like that. It must have been an eternity since then. He remembers nothing but that feeling, and being safe, cradled in someone’s arms like he is something precious.
When he wakes up he is at Lotus Pier, the hand is gone and Lan Zhan has left. Wei Wuxian feels strangely empty despite being surrounded by his siblings and warmed by shijie’s soup.
But the thought he allowed himself to have in the cave has not left him. Rather, it has burned itself into Wei Wuxian’s heart and mind, glowing softly, yet so persistently that he can no longer ignore it.
What that scroll described… Maybe I do want it. I want to hold something in my arms that is mine, and protect and love it and raise it so it knows it is protected and loved.
I want a baby.