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How much pain is it possible to endure? How many lies can one take without breaking?
I watch you sleep peacefully next to me on the soft mattress of my bed. Your perfect body being embraced by the silky sheets, the soft locks of your hair hiding your beautiful face. I watch your chest rise and fall as you breath quietly and your eyelashes fondling your cheeks as you dream. My hand slowly reaches out from underneath the covers to move some of the lonely strands away from your face. I want to see you, all of you. You look so delicate right now with the pale moonlight playing on your features. I cup your cheek, feeling you stir slightly under my touch, yet you do not wake up. I am grateful for that. For I don’t want this moment, this surreality, to shatter. I want to keep you close to me like this forever.
Yet I know, sadly I know, that this will not last.
When the first beams of sunlight reach the bed, you will wake up. You will quietly get up and leave. You always do. You never stay long enough for me to wake from my slumber. Or so you think. You don’t know that I’m always conscious during those moments, watching you as you pick up your clothes and get dressed. Watching you walk to the door without making any kind of sound that would disturb my sleep. You always give me a one last glance before opening the door and whispering “I’m sorry”. I don’t know why you say you’re sorry. Why do you do this if you feel the need to apologize every time it happens? And more so, why do I let myself be fooled everytime?
Because I love you. That is the reason. Because I love you with my whole being. And you know. You know I do because I whisper it to you every single time you make love to me. I hear you saying the words back to me, but I know you don’t mean them. They are all lies. You only want to please me to get what you need. You want my body, yet you do not want me. It is so clear. And it hurts. It hurts to know the person you love doesn’t love you back. It hurts how weak I am when I can’t fight the temptation, when I just surrender to your will without hesitation. Since I want to be close to you. Even for one night.
I feel so pathetic. I loathe myself for my weakness. Yet I know I cannot stop. I’m addicted to your touch, the tingling sensation your fingers bring when they caress my naked skin. I’m longing for you when we’re apart; missing you, wanting you.
I slide my hand from your cheek down to your chest and on your steadily beating heart. Oh, how I wish this heart would beat for me. Just like mine beats for you, only for you. A heavy sigh leaves my trembling lips as I close my eyes, trying to prevent the tears yet failing. I feel them falling from the corners of my eyes, leaving behind a salty trail before dripping on the pillow under my head.
You shift in your sleep and I quickly pull my hand away. I look over to the window and notice that the moment I feared has come;
It is dawn.
I turn to lie on my other side, back facing you as I swiftly wipe the tears from my eyes. I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want you to know how vulnerable you make me.
I count the seconds till I hear you yawn lazily. The mattress dips lightly as you support on your hands when you get up. The bed feels so cold again. Yet this time I refuse to watch as you prepare to leave. I cannot deal with the pain right now. I hear you walking towards the door. Waiting for the last sentence from you, I clench my eyes shut and bite on my lower lip, fighting back the tears once again. You would probably laugh at how weak I am.
But I do not hear the words. I don’t hear anything. There is a thick silence in the room and it scares me for I don’t know what is going to happen. Eventually I hear you shift your weight and let out a small sigh. Soft footsteps come closer. I can sense your presence on the other side of the bed. The silence fills the room once more, your calm breathing the only thing I hear.
My eyes snap open as I feel the mattress sink under your body weight as you climb back to the bed. You pull the covers over your now dressed figure as you come closer to me. I can feel your arm wrap around my waist as your body presses against my back. My whole body tenses at the action. You take my hand into yours, squeezing it lightly. I clutch onto my pillow, almost ripping the pillow-case with my nails when you leave a soft kiss on my temple. A quiet moan leaves my lips before I’m able to stop it.
“Ruki…”, your deep voice calls for me.
So you noticed I’m awake. I remain silent, not knowing what to say. You gently take a hold of my chin, turning my head and forcing me to look into your eyes. The look in them is soft yet I can’t help being afraid.
“Ruki..”, you breath out my name once more as you stare into my frightened eyes.
I open my mouth, trying to say something yet no words come out. This makes you smile. You lean closer to me and press your lips on mine, kissing me lovingly. A small whimper escapes my mouth as you pull away. Please, do not tell me this is a dream. For it would be too cruel to wake up only to notice you gone.
I tremble in your embrace and the burning sensation in my eyes is back. You notice this, your thumb wiping away the lonely tear that escapes my eye.
“You don’t have to be afraid…”, you whisper to my ear. “I’m not going to leave.”
Not being able to hold it back anymore, I turn around and bury my face to your chest, sobbing silently. Your hand moves over my back soothingly, drawing patterns on my naked skin. I grasp your shirt with my hands, and your arms find their way around me, just holding me. Being there in your embrace slowly calms me down and gradually my crying quiets down. You lean over, leaving a soft kiss on the crook of my neck before burying your face to it.
“I love you”, you mumble and leave another kiss on my pale skin. And there is no lie in your voice, I can tell. No humor, no sarcasm. Nothing but the truth. I can’t help but smile. I move even closer to the warmth of your body and I feel you tighten your hold on me. And for the first time in my life… I feel safe.