Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Inco

“All right Guts.... Goodbye." The last words I shared with the little guy before walking away from the hospital.

I refused to look back as that would only serve to exacerbate my currently fragile mental state. My legs, sore from the impromptu waiting chair mattress, carried me away from the building.

During my departure I got to thinking about this school year, the best one in my experience, and only had 1 question in mind.

Was it too much to ask? Too much to ask for a normal girlfriend?

I loved Olivia and my time with her would always hold a special place in my heart, but it seems her issues caught up to us in the end.

I thought back to my initial arrival into Volcadera, another fresh start and opportunity to make it in with the popular crowd. That feeling of importance surrounding me as I was assaulted by an onslaught of colors, only to have it suddenly torn from me as the bell rang and left me near alone in the halls…. Well, at least I got a compliment on my jacket.

After the crowd dispersed I was soon met by Ben, who offered to give me a tour of the school. The tour led to a very special memory, the moment I would first lay eyes upon the girl I thought would be with me forever . A green and purple blur in the middle of a crowded hallway that had almost run me down in her rush. Those beautiful eyes, looking right at me for only a moment before looking back to the hallway ahead as I lose sight of her.

After that hallway encounter I was off to my first class where a double feature of head trauma, along with a busted set of 300$ Ray Bans, got me a speech from Coach Solly and an express trip back home on the first day of school.

The memory used to bring a smile to my face as it was where I’d met my first real friend, Damien. Now? All I could think upon retrospection was a signature THUNK, as well as a right hook that left both physical and mental scars. Especially when I recall his venom filled words from that night at the formal.

“How could you do this to her man?! You brought her out of her shell, only to shove her back in!”

My anger flared and eye throbbed at the words.

He couldn't be further from the truth!

Every chance I had was used to support her! So many different scenarios I took the lead and tried to get her to follow.

At the Summer’s End BBQ, I convinced her to get out and enjoy time with her family. She was throwing away time spent with people who actually cared about her. Jealousy mingled in this memory, knowing at least she had the opportunity presented.

When Mia and crew decided to harass her in the hallway? I stepped up and tried to stop it. Despite my efforts she still seemed upset, her tail slap and attitude sprung to mind for whatever reason.

Our moment under my umbrella in the rain…

Her reason for swapping our submissions due to my apparent craving for attention, no matter the source, and affirmation her disability wasn’t the only reason for her art winning.

The comment on my need for attention had felt reductive at the time, almost a caricature of my first day in school. At the time? Sure, attention was my ultimate goal upon arriving in Volcadera. However, after spending time with Olivia and the Paynes, I felt any truth in the statement had died.

Despite feeling betrayed at the time though, I couldn’t bring myself to hate her. I’d considered asking her why go through all this effort, but her heartfelt speech and clear regret had been enough to stop me from pushing any further. My choice to forgive her still left me with a burning question though, why?

Soon after Damien had managed to convince Liz to take us all to the arcade. We played a few games but what really stuck was Olivia’s challenging of Buster. Their fight had seemed normal at first, until I noticed a change in Buster’s playstyle.

He had slowed himself down. I brought it to Damien’s attention and decided to keep my mouth shut on the matter. All that mattered was Olivia having a good time, she never had to know and we finished off the trip with Damien hitting a jackpot of tickets and Olivia calling his exact actions.

That strange creature she chose with Damien’s winnings was still deserving of a very convoluted and fatal end.

I stumbled into my usual seat in the metro car as the memory of a certain ptero came to mind. A dino who, despite his short time in my life, left a profound impact on me and gave Olivia the initial push to trust someone else.

Trent Iadakan, a born mentor who seemed to always look for the best in his pupils and could always tell when someone was truly passionate.

His assignment of his friend’s wedding party as “extra credit” for myself and Ben held a piece of advice from the groom. It boiled down to a simple explanation of love at first sight, but something about it helped me push past my downer attitude and actually try to capture some good photos instead of worrying about my current relationship with Olivia.

It had taken a while to hit my stride, but once I had I was keeping pace with Ben on the amount of pictures taken. At the end of it all I captured the magnum opus, a simple picture showing the bride and groom in a moment of pure joy. The groom was carrying his wife piggyback and they had the biggest smiles on their faces. Upon review the groom requested that the photo be printed so he could keep it forever in his wallet.

As I sat in my chair I couldn’t help but smile at the memory, it truly showed how strong the couple loved each other.

That lovey dovey feeling, familiar drone of the car and overall exhaustion of the current events finally took their toll. My vision slowly going dark as my body was intent on making up for lost time.


Reed

I caught myself driving around Skin Row, why? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe I was looking for trouble? Perhaps a little carfe madness? Eh who’s to say, as dangerous as it is here, I just needed to get out. My drive lead me familiar complex, one that served as a grave for 2 very different types of loss.

The loss of a very dear friend and a heartbreak I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain of.

After Fang’s declaration of taking a break from the band, I knew there was nothing I could do to change their mind. Trish had just about broken down completely upon hearing the news, and tried getting a hold of Fang multiple times to talk it out and change their mind. I figured it best to give them space, and wait for them to come to their own conclusion.

Finally, prom reared its head and Trish hoped to see Fang there. To her shock, Fang wasn’t present, nor was Anon. This had Trish worrying about where they were until prom had finally begun to round off and we got the call.

Fang had called Trish and I in hysterics, ugly crying into the phone about “THAT BALD RETARD” and “TRISH WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIM”. When we finally calmed them down they told us the whole situation. Anon and them had taken a nice trip to the beach to cap off the year with a bit of drinking.

That was when things went wrong.

Apparently, Anon was a lightweight when it came to drinking, so much so that when he had downed only 2 beers he was already long gone. Something very well known when drinking is that when you get past a certain point, your true thoughts are laid bare with no filter.

Fang began crying over the phone again as they recalled the most painful part of the situation. Anon drunken ramblings going on how he thought they were “ONLY DOING IT FOR ATTENTION” and how Fang was “NOT EVEN A PASSABLE FAGGOT”. The venom he spat was too much and Fang ended up kicking his ass into the water and left him alone on that beach.

Things only got worse about a week later. Fang seemed to have calmed down and wondered what had held back Anon from saying those things sober. If those were his true unfiltered thoughts, why even try to hide them if Fang truly meant nothing to him?

Fang attempted to reach out to Anon by texting and calling at first, thinking maybe he was ashamed and figured that they would never want to see him again. After 2-3 more days of the same calling and texting routine Fang asked if Trish and I could come with her to Anon’s apartment and check in on him. Fearing the worst I agreed but Trish seemed excited, if a little nervous.

In fact, the whole trip she seemed to be almost buzzing in the mix of nervousness and excitement. Even with her best friend having gone through such a traumatic experience recently, how could she be feeling this way? I was upset at this realization but kept my mouth shut. Keeping any more stress from Fang’s mind was more important than my thoughts at the time.

Upon reaching Anon’s apartment something felt off. Multiple knocks and calls got no response. Fang, fearing the worst, began to panic and nearly kicked the door off its hinges. We were met with an empty apartment.

Well not entirely empty, upon the night stand laid a still charging phone. We quickly realized it was Anon’s by the screen showing a wall of notifications, the oldest one being dated 5 days ago. A detail I caught was it had been left unlocked, maybe we could find something in it? I was going to say something but was stopped by choked sobs and sniffles from Fang.

Their world had come crashing down, someone they were willing to hear out and explain why they would hide such vile feelings about them had just up and left. The worst part?

Trish was overjoyed, jumping around the apartment and fist pumping at the realization he was gone. The words on her tongue leave a sour taste in my mouth even now.

“I WAS RIGHT, THAT GOOD FOR NOTHING SKINNIE BROKE AND LEFT YOU BEHIND! WHEN I SAID HE WAS GOOD FOR NOTHING I WAS RIGHT!”.

The joy in Trish’s voice startled both Fang and myself. Why was she so happy? Our childhood friend finds out the one person who was willing to talk to them, never (openly) judge their choices, always tried to understand why those choices were made and…..

Clearly felt the same way about Fang as they did about him. That person had left with little trace, and she was excited?

Now, I’m not one to cause a scene. I prefer to stay lowkey and chill with everyone, the best fights are ones avoided after all. However, this situation irked me in a way I hadn’t felt in a VERY long time, if at all. Trish’s joy at her “friends” loss only seemed, in her eyes, to prove Fang still needed her. An excuse to further enforce her will.

I really got to thinking back to our past and it finally struck me. Any decision made led back to Trish in some way, the most obvious ones being Fang’s decision to go non-binary and anything involving Anon.

Choosing to have the band use 2 basses instead of a more mainstream guitar and bass felt like something novel at the time. The band needed a “gimmick” to make it big in Trish’s eyes. Fang and I just went along with it since it was easier than arguing and seemed fun.

That was until Anon came into the picture and gave Fang a reason to try and convince a change in the status quo. Why not try and convince us to let Fang use a guitar instead of bass? This simple request, shot down by myself and Trish, was only another choice in a long string of pacification attempts.

Anon’s secret being exposed in the auditorium was next. Trish somehow got a hold of the photos that led to his initial transfer. I could’ve prevented it, less than 5 minutes to check the drive and the situation could’ve been avoided. But, I trusted my friends. Trish had tried to escape in the chaos but had been caught by Spears and dragged to the office. I could only stand in shame as I watched Fang escort Anon out of the auditorium, shielding him from the looks and jeers with their wings.

Upon meeting everyone at Spear’s office I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment when Anon refused to talk with Trish and left for home with Fang close behind. Before they both left however, Fang announced they would be taking a break from the band. I knew this Trish wouldn't like it but I respected Fang and said I’d handle it.

Well, they didn’t get far until shit hit the fan and the unthinkable nearly happened. A quick insult and thrown can of soda later, Anon took a dive down the concrete stairs in the front of the school and only stopped upon hitting a metal bollard. I recoiled at this not only for the pain he must’ve endured but for the fact that the accident could’ve been fatal….

And Fang would’ve had a front row seat to the aftermath.

Even ignoring all the choices made up to this point, Anon’s fall was the one that truly set me off. I thought back and Trish never seemed to have shown a twinge of regret, no reaction even when I told her what happened to Anon that day.

A growl, unheard by anyone ever, escaped my throat.

Fang took notice of this, my teeth instinctively bared and body vibrating in rage. They took a few steps back, well aware things were gonna get ugly. This part of me had never been seen by anyone, a side long thought dormant and only used to hunt.

Had Trish noticed this? Of course not, so absorbed in her own little world the feelings of anyone else around her didn’t matter in the slightest.

I inhaled and let loose a hail of fury only thought of as myth.

“YOU HAVE CROSSED A LINE THIS TIME TRISH!”

The outburst quickly pulled her attention to me and I took note of the fear that showed in her eyes. Good.

“OF ALL THE TIMES IN THIS WORLD TO CELEBRATE,  YOU DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR “BEST FRIENDS”. WE TRUSTED YOU TRISH, EVERY DECISION AND CHOICE MADE BY YOU, WE DUTIFULLY FOLLOWED CAUSE WE WERE “FRIENDS”.”

She could only try and stutter a response, but I wasn’t letting her get a word in. Not this time.

“THIS SITUATION ISN’T THE ONLY REASON FOR MY ANGER TRISH, IT’S A CRESCENDO EFFECT WITH YOU AS THE CAUSE. YEARS OF DECISIONS MADE AT YOUR DISCRETION, YEARS OF MANIPULATION”

My anger was reaching a fever pitch and the fear in Trish’s eyes only served as a fuel to this long dormant fire.

“FANG QUIT THE BAND BECAUSE WE NEVER GAVE THEM A CHANCE TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS!”.

Our “democratic” system now left a sour taste in my mouth as I realized how often that “democracy” meant appeasing Trish. The realization tempered my anger and I continued.

“The worst thing, Trish? The worst thing was what you did to Anon in the auditorium. That exposure of his reason for leaving Rock Bottom could’ve led to his death. That flight of stairs is concrete and he only stopped due to a metal pole. Had he died that day how would you feel, Trish? How would you feel had Anon not gotten back up…. Knowing that FANG WOULD’VE SEEN HIM-.”

I was more than ready to let Trish have it, but a cry stopped me. Not a simple request to a friend, or even a demand, more a plea to a wild animal mid attack.

“REED PLEASE, STOP!”

The noise caught my attention and I turned to it, seeing Fang with a tremble and pain in their eyes. It seemed they hadn’t considered the possibility of Anon’s fate as deeply and that realization got to them.

Fang’s tears and the intensity of their cry left me deflated. All of the rage I felt left my body and was replaced with an exhaustion usually reserved for multiple day benders.

Trish had stuck herself into a corner with her hands covering her face, still so scared she had yet to notice I wasn’t yelling anymore.

Fang waited for Trish to calm enough so they could look each other in the eyes. With the grim determination they were known for, Fang told Trish their exact thoughts on this whole situation, with new realizations in mind. Their words came as no surprise.

“I can’t trust you anymore, I have been friends with you for so long that I was blind to what was right in front of me”.

Her voice cracking from the raw emotion, earlier crying and outburst to snap me out of my rage.

“All these years, since before you convinced me that I was NB I trusted you. I put my full faith in a friend I believed would be able to help me through this difficult time. This whole time I pushed everyone away because they didn’t understand me, when in reality I just never understood myself. Hell, I still don’t know who or what I am. The only thing I really know is you're not better than Naomi, you’re worse. Her manipulation had some kind of meaning behind it, as stupid as it seems. What was the reason behind yours, Trish? Huh?”

Fang’s words hung in the air for what felt like hours, when it was likely just a few seconds.

Trish finally got to comprehending what was said about her, but she had no recourse. Nothing to say, since at her core, she didn’t know why either. She seemed to believe she knew best, that her schemes would never backfire. Now that they had in such a spectacular fashion, her 2 oldest friends could only look upon her cowering form in disdain.

Fang and I turned to leave the apartment but I remembered Anon’s phone and went back for it. Trish cowering away as I unplugged it and left with Fang.

Upon dropping them off, I handed them the phone stating he’d left it unlocked. They nearly snatched my arm out of its socket before thanking me and running off to their room.

My daydream is cut off as I notice a familiar chrome dome ahead of me. Something strikes me as odd upon getting closer though, when did he trade his usual fit for a blue jacket and shades?

Inco

My dream seemed a continuation of my thoughts from the walk as I felt a looming presence behind me and instinctively felt the urge to run.

A familiar hallway quickly formed around me as a quick peek behind saw Solly chasing me.

Wait… SOLLY?  What was he doing here? That should be Mia behind me, yet a 2nd look confirms my eyes are not deceiving me. Duringcone confirmation, I also took notice that Olivia was nowhere to be seen.

When I actually noticed who it was, I also began to hear something being said. Looking back at the looming simian ancestor he seemed to be whispering something. The full content was lost on me due to his pounding footfalls obscuring most noise.

I strained to hear whatever I could.

“You….
 
Focus….

Real thing….”.

I really had no clue what he was saying in full but it sounded familiar. I had no time to dwell on the content of his words as I felt a weight in my jacket pocket, digging in I found Olivia’s elevator key. I scanned the left wall for the elevator that should free me from this nightmare.


I finally find it and quickly duck inside. I insert the key and breath a sigh of relief. I was expecting to start descending, but instead was met with a rising feeling. Where was happening and what was Solly saying back there?

My focus is pulled away from the questions as the doors slide open and reveal a very familiar high rise restaurant.

The location of a failed double date between myself, Olivia, Damien and Liz. Damien having been out sick during this occasion. My eyes caught sight of 2 familiar silhouettes on opposite sides of the restaurant. Liz and Olivia. I make my move towards Olivia in an attempt to retrace my steps. As I approach the bar Olivia’s silhouette starts to fade. I make an attempt to reach for her but managed to lose my balance and fall instead.

Standing up I'm suddenly in Scaler’s office. This time however, Mr. Ferris’ speech is playing over the intercom but seemingly muffled.

I walk out and notice Ben, frozen mid passionate speech to no one. Olivia is missing from this scenario as well. I decided to walk to the area where the most important event in my life had occurred, the fountain.

My walk there was full of a mess of different thoughts. Why was I dreaming in such a way? I’m aware it’s a dream but can't control it, unlike those “lucid” dreams I’d seen some documentaries on.

I reach the fountain stairs and look up.

I’d found Olivia.

At the top of the stairs, facing me with a look of disdain I couldn't fathom understanding.

She began to tip over as I ran to catch her, only to slip and almost hit the concrete.

I awoke in a cold sweat as the intercom finished its announcement, “End of the line, please exit the car in an orderly fashion”. The announcement came as a shock to me, was I really so tired I’d slept through multiple announcements along with the hustle and bustle of the metro? I guess it didn’t matter at this point.

I stepped out of the car and onto a platform with graffiti covering every surface, mostly slurs and the like.

I had a bad feeling about this place and debated calling the Paynes to help me out. I ended up deciding against it, they had too much on their plate with Olivia and I didn’t want to intrude.

I called my parents on the slim chance they’d be home, my effort was foiled when I only got sent to voicemail, of course.

With nothing else to do I began to walk, passing many dark alleyways and seedy looking individuals.

I was completely lost and my phone’s GPS was not properly connecting in this area, so I was on my own. I began to wander in the general direction of where my house was, using the metro tracks as a kind of guide.

I was ready to hand everything I had over to someone had they even asked nicely, but I got lucky and wasn't approached by anyone.

The walk and general lost feeling led my mind to wander again, this time to mine and Olivia’s first date at the mall.

The one where I attempted to show her MY interests for once. Of course that went horribly wrong when the star of the show showed up drunk off his ass and caused a scene. Olivia enjoyed watching that at least, but I was looking for ways to salvage the situation.

After some thought I decided to ask Olivia if she wanted to do anything. I was shrugged off and decided a shopping trip was in order. As an apology I offered to buy her anything she wanted and so we started exploring.

After different recommendations and refusals, of many perfect gifts imo, she settled on some fossil of a console that seemed to fit better in a museum than her hoodie pocket. Whatever I guess.

I decided this was the perfect opportunity to ask her to the Winter Formal. She shrugged me off at first, but I knew Iadakan would've wanted us to at least try. I had to bring him up to convince her. This set her off and got some unwanted attention our way, but at least we had something planned.

I’m pulled from my thoughts by a beat up old van pulling up next to me. A pink raptor in a tank top sat in the driver’s seat looking at me, confused and upset? I prepared myself to run, or even hand my stuff over then run, but his calling of a familiar name stops me.

“Anon?”! Anon?

He called, clearly confusing myself for  “Anon”. I was thinking about why it was familiar when the raptor asked the question that put the puzzle together. “Where have you been man! Why the change in threads? Green looked a lot better…..”

“You haven’t been trying to avoid us have you?”

His mention of green brought a memory to the surface, an old family gathering and an isolated boy in the back. A green coat over his shoulders and GameSaur in hand, attempting to fade into the background. His head and my own share the standout feature of shimmering in the light.

Last I’d heard his parents allowed him to transfer on some ultimatum I was unfamiliar with.

The raptor called “Anon” again and asked where I’d been, why I changed to a blue coat and decided shades were suddenly my style. His tone while asking these questions seemed a little agitated, with confusion being more prevalent.

I had to carefully explain that I was not Anon, but instead his younger cousin. He didn’t seem to believe me at first, but when the mention of a “Fang” elicited no reaction from me his belief in my story seemed to grow.

He asked what brought me out to this side of town, I told my story of falling asleep on the metro, not having time to catch another one and having no choice but to start walking.

After the story we introduced ourselves, a bit out of order sure but these things happen sometimes.

He looked me up and down and with a wave of finger guns said, “Well, nice to meet ya here Incmeister, any friend of Anon’s is a friend of mine, so how about I get you a lift home.”

I really had to think about his offer, this “Reed” claimed to know my estranged cousin and was offering me a ride home, no strings attached? I debated rejecting the offer but something in his demeanor told me he was more trustworthy than any of the folk I’d walked past on my journey.

I decided to bite the bullet and accept his offer, he opened his passenger door and I was hit with a very strong and unfamiliar scent. I soldiered on and sat down, telling the dino my address while shutting the door and rolling down the window.

We drove toward my house making small talk here and there until he asked if I’d heard anything about Anon lately. I answered truthfully and brought up the ultimatum if things went wrong after his transfer.

This fact seemed to spark a realization in his eyes that I didn’t have the context to. I wanted to ask but we pulled up outside my house before I got the chance to ask what he just noticed.

“We have arrived Amigo, thank you for flying with Air Reed today! Be sure to leave a 5 star review on our website!” Finger guns pointed at me following this statement as he told me to stay out of Skin Row since more unsavory folk live out there.

I put that fact in the back of my head and offered him to stay and eat or even take gas money. People don’t usually just help each other out like this.

To my shock, he refused and said he just didn’t want to see someone get hurt when he could've done something to prevent it. We exchanged our phones and input our own contacts.

We said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch, something telling me I could trust him to remember that.

As he peeled away I entered my house, empty as always. I was hungry but realized all I had left was those frozen breakfast burritos from the beginning of the school year, and a bottle of leftover lemon lime soda from when I made “purple drank” as Olivia called it.

I didn’t want to take the gamble so just ordered some McDinos online to get something in my stomach and showered as I waited. My body more ready for a proper bed than anything else.

I finished eating and prepared for bed, a full stomach and long day working better than any medication could. I laid my head on the pillow as a single phrase from earlier in the day struck me as odd, Damien saying to me “It’s not your fault:”.

Something about it being said to me felt strange, like an inside joke I was on the outside of. Whatever, sleep was calling my name and I refused to hide from it any longer. My eyes shut and like a 2nd dodgeball, right hook included, I was out.

Chapter Text

—Fang—

My thoughts were a jumbled mess, the past few months replaying in my head leading to that fateful day at the beach. The day I managed to lose one of the closest people in my life due to unresolved traumas.

I thought back to the beginning of the year and when I first saw him. A tacky green jacket, simple jeans and bald head. Upon first inspection he really hadn’t seemed too far out of the ordinary, save for the fact he was the only human student at Volcano High.

Remembering my first sight of him only served to remind me of what I had lost. His words on the beach come to mind and clear abandonment of his apartment, even opting to leave his phone behind. 

I twirl it between my hands, having yet to even open it in fear of what I would find. The events at the apartment rush to mind, my telling off of Trish promising another breakdown.

God, I felt like such a moron for letting her take the agency from my life. Sure Reed was an enabler, but I didn’t put nearly as much blame on him. We both knew just how “passionate” Trish was about anything, but things had really taken a turn since the beginning of High School. 

A time when I truly felt lost with who, or what I was. With Naser’s accident causing me to only further isolate myself from my family, that purple shitstain took the opportunity to “convince” me that maybe I wouldn’t find who I was sticking to the normal path. 

Non-Binary, a concept described to me by her as a 3rd option. A tag that promised to allow freedom from these preconceived boxes that identified you as boy or girl. I didn’t want to be a girl anymore, I didn't want to be Lucy , the girl who almost killed her own younger brother. The worst part? He didn’t hate me, couldn’t find it in his heart to do it. So instead of that, he looked to repair our relationship by actually trying. 

So much time had passed since the accident and he only wanted to help. How did I repay this? By getting angry, I’d hoped it’d have been enough to push him away so that he didn’t want to help anymore. My rationale being that he’d get so fed up that helping would no longer appeal to him and I’d rot.

Like I deserve. 

I kept this story to myself, never even telling Reed or HER as the hurt was too much to bear and I refused to live through it again. I got very close to revealing it to a certain bald-head retard on the rooftop of the school, but he interrupted and just held me tight until I felt better. So close to sharing that burden with someone who meant so much to me. 

Where had it gone so wrong.

Words slurred in a drunken stupor by the lightweight idiot, his true thoughts, clearly kept suppressed for my sake. He’d never understood why I’d chosen to identify the way I did, and didn’t even try to understand. Not that I’d ever really given him a reason to. Still, the clear misunderstanding and the vitriol behind the words was enough to set me off. I ended up kicking him into the water and stormed off, already having a feeling I was going to regret it.

But I’d always been like this, pushing people away had always been easier. Sitting down and discussing my problems? How could I even begin to ask for help when the problem wasn’t obvious even to myself . Passing these burdens onto anyone close to me was something I refused to do.

My fumbling with Anon’s phone led to me losing grip on it, causing it to come down hard on my snoot.

“FUCK”, I cry in pain as the device bounces onto my bed. I turn to look at it, conflicted as to what I should do. On one hand he clearly left it behind for a reason, never knowing who would have found it. 

On the other hand, my anger flared thinking about him. His words on the beach are repeating themselves in my head. I wasn’t sure if he deserved another chance.

After a long internal debate I decided, at worst, if the device held nothing, getting rid of it would be no feathers off my wings.

My fingers slightly trembling in anticipation, I swipe up on the lock screen, and the first thing I noticed was that the notes app was left open. I looked at the little collection of notes, ranging from anime choices and even songs I’d recommended to him in the past.

The most recent note caught my eye. It mentioned bringing the phone, or at least the message, to the police station? Why risk anyone in Skin Row actually going there, much less to leave a message? My question was answered when I saw the bottom portion of the note mentioned my name.

Wait, my name? No, surely he wasn’t this idiotic. There’s no way he would risk the phone never being seen again, if the message was that important….

Right?

—Anon—

I’d done it again. A problem showed up in my life and I did what I always did. 

I ran. 

The one person who’d taken the time to try and understand me, actually made me feel like someone, I left behind with no explanation or clue as to where I was going.

Why keep lying to myself? There was an explanation, I’m a coward. A spineless nobody who has no place in this world. Certainly not next to such a shining star as Fang, their passion for music and radiant personality is a combination not meant for a waste of space as myself.

My cruel words at the beach throb in my ears, I couldn’t keep one good thing in my life. Fang had stuck by my side the entire year and I couldn’t be bothered to ask myself why. It was simple really, Fang made me feel like I was worth something. That was their mistake.

I had never grown up, I was still a kid. A kid too focused on himself and never seeing the light right in front of me. Fang had trusted me with all they were, and I shattered that trust with hate after only 2 beers.

That has to be a record somewhere.

As I traverse down memory lane Fang’s beautiful amber eyes take center stage, their color and glow would make any jewelry stand out. Fang’s passion and talent in all things musical would carry them far beyond anywhere a nobody like me would ever go. Finally, Fang had the determination in spades to carry them wherever they wanted. With these qualities, it’s only natural Fang will forget about me and reach heights I can only imagine.

I smile imagining Fang at a sold out stadium rocking their heart out.

I still couldn’t help myself though, even in my rush I’d left a piece of myself behind. My phone, long used as an escape from reality and holding many dear memories, contained a message meant only for Fang’s eyes.

So of course I left it to chance on if that message would ever reach them.

Leaving the phone behind also served another purpose. I didn’t deserve those happy moments immortalized and easily accessed. I didn’t deserve anything relating to Fang. Leaving it behind was the only way I could achieve this goal. Unfortunately, I was haunted by those same moments and began to tear up. A sudden “Shut. Up.” startles me and I’m snapped back to reality.

Right. I was in boot camp. No longer alone to let my thoughts mumble out unheard. I really needed to get that in check sooner rather than later.

I sniffle my tears away and wonder if Fang would ever see the message, or if some Skin Row crackhead would get a hold of it first. What I wrote had burned itself into my memory, a burden I would carry for the rest of my miserable existence. It was an admittance of how I truly felt, but would never be able to say out loud. The words come back as I begin to mumble them quietly.

Dear Fang,

That night on the beach was a true show of my character. A boy who never looked for anything in life. Everything, both good and bad, just seemed to fall into my lap. From my humiliation in Rock Bottom and at the auditorium, to meeting you. 

Naomi’s plan was to get us together after all, I was supposed to “fix” you and make things all better for her. Well, it’s too bad she never accounted for me being a complete retarded loser that could never see 5 ft in front of him. 

You are my everything Fang, you almost got me to change and better myself. All that ended up happening was you being unable to shine because of me. I held you back and kept you from truly shining. I’m so sorry for that night on the beach, everything I said came from a misunderstanding and lack of trying to understand.

I was never very good at that, understanding people meant trying to get close to them in the first place. My own parents provided for me for sure but beyond that I don’t think they even knew what they were doing. My childhood was also a lonely one due to how much I just hid myself away, the 2D women didn’t help much either.

My fiasco in Rock Bottom hadn’t been the only occasion of bullying. I was the subject of that abuse constantly and learned fading into the background was the easiest option. This of course created a negative feedback loop and created the boy you met. The one who broke you and couldn’t even be assed to apologize in person.

I don’t ask for forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve any. I only ask that you live, Fang. Live well and shine bright like your eyes in the moonlight. Forget about me, I’m a shitty high school fling that never wasn’t even meant to happen. You’ve got a support system in Reed, Naser, your parents, Stella, Rosa and even the purple cunt Trish. All of these people have had your back since long before I came into the picture to ruin it. 

You can push on Fang, I will gladly stay here in the past where you can forget about me. It’s all I deserve anyway. 

-Anon

My sniffles return and the tears start flowing remembering how much soul I really put into that note. I didn’t have much of one in the first place but I hoped Fang would take that message and truly forget me. I was just one of the weeds of this earth. Doomed to a life of loneliness and isolation. 

So long as Fang was happy though, I’d stick to it.

—Fang—

I’m left breathless. I want so badly to wail out and let these emotions free of my chest. 

I can’t let them though, getting my family's attention was the last thing I wanted right now. 

Anon’s message had struck a chord with me I was not ready to handle. Why was he building me up so much? I was the failure, the one who couldn’t sit back and listen to whatever he had to say. Yeah he messed up at the beach, but it takes 2 people to destroy a relationship.

Maybe he had been right about this NB thing. My earlier outburst at Trish reminded me that this may not have been what I actually wanted. Everything she did seemed to be for her benefit, or “the bands”. The 2 bass horseshit had only been the start.

When we needed a venue for our first real show? She couldn’t be assed to look until Anon and I had to do it ourselves. The strange puppet handed man making Anon purchase that little toy that led us to Dino Moes and our first show, successful at that.

The more I thought back to everything that happened this year, the more I was losing myself. So much of it was spent with Anon. So many of these memories hurt as I knew the one I’d made them with would likely never cross paths with myself again. Knowing that led to an empty feeling inside. I blamed myself.

It was my fault he left. My fault no one was there to hear his own issues out. My fault his feelings had been left to fester and find their way out in an explosion.

It was my fault he felt he hadn’t changed.

My emotions threatened to break free and let the whole neighborhood know how I felt.

Until a familiar and soothing voice emanated from downstairs.

“Lucy, Naser! Dinner is ready! Come and get it before it’s all gone!”

Mom had called Naser and I downstairs for dinner. I was so close to bursting at the seams but hearing mom’s voice gave me the will to steady and ground myself. I was still exhausted from my emotions but my stomach was growling at me as well. Now wasn’t the time to starve myself. 

As we sat down Dad and Naser seemed quite agitated, likely furious after my telling of the state I had found Anon’s apartment in. They really only knew Anon at the surface level, his situation totally unknown and his sudden departure seemingly for no reason. I debated letting them read Anon’s message but decided now wasn’t the time, they were far too upset to even consider anything related to Anon.

Mom had an unreadable expression on her face, she’d always had a knack for sniffing out secrets.

Dinner started as it normally did, albeit quieter than usual. The anger between the men strangling any attempts to start a conversation. That suited me just fine, I just wanted dinner to end so I could go to bed and try to sort the whirlwind of thoughts threatening to escape my chest.

After dinner was finished and the dishes had been put away, I began to head upstairs with a quiet “goodnight” to everyone at the table but a booming voice stopped me. 

“ Hold it right there young lady ”. 

Despite my current hang-ups on being NB his use of young lady reminded me how little he actually supported me.

“ Lucy Aaron, you have done nothing but sit in your room all day moping about that boy I continuously warned you about. He was nothing but bad news, but you just had to know better than your own father and look where it got you. A broken heart and a pain you will likely carry for the rest of your life seeing how he saw it fit to take off at the first sign of trouble ”.

His words hurt, more than I thought they would. This tirade wasn’t a simple scolding, it was something deeper. 

A confirmation in his eyes that I was never right, that no matter what choices I made for myself he wouldn’t approve. 

I think back on how he talked about Anon when they first met, his reduction of my identity crisis to a simple “phase” that he was only going along with it for a chance at some action.

I’d had it, I was done. All this time I was having a war in my own head that time and time again dad would attribute to a phase. Mom didn’t understand it either, but she also never pushed the issue. She didn’t understand but supported me, dad on the other hand had done neither this whole time. I thought about getting into another screaming match with him, like the many others we had, but it wouldn’t get through to him.

After this whole situation with him being “right” on Anon’s character he’d never take me seriously again. Any choice I made would face severe scrutiny and I’d never feel free from his angry judgment. So, I just walked away from the conversation. I didn’t have the fight in me anymore.

I expected to hear a booming voice calling me back, to listen to him rant about how he had been right this whole time and how I hadn’t gotten through this “phase” by now. I’m caught off guard when mom speaks up in my defense, her tone not needing volume to put her foot down.

“Lucy, you go off to bed, I’ll handle your father’s idea of parenting here soon.”

Dad sputtered and I could tell he wanted to say something, but it was clear mom’s tone was plenty to keep him quiet for the time being. He managed to squeak out a “you’re grounded” as I climbed the stairs though, a whole lot of good that one would do dad. I was planning on staying in my room for the foreseeable future anyway so suck it old man.

I shut my door and throw myself onto my bed with a sigh of exhaustion. I had so much on my mind but the most important thing is in my hands. Anon’s phone and the message he left. Why did he put me on such a pedestal? He couldn’t tell that he was the only reason I’d actually begun to improve? He was right about one thing though, he was a coward, instead of facing his issues head-on he chose to run away.

Maybe we really had been meant for each other.

—Inco—

My internal clock seems to still be ticking along as it should, waking me up at the optimal time to get ready for school. Unfortunately winter break started the day after the formal, I had about 2 weeks to kill on my own. I thought about just laying in bed all day since I had no plans, but getting out of the house seemed the best idea to avoid stagnation.

After getting ready and walking to the kitchen, another sticky note on the fridge greets me. 

“Sorry Inco, but your mother and I won't be back in time for Christmas. Actually, contact will be impossible due where we’ll be. Feel free to buy yourself whatever you want son! Have a Merry Christmas, Love you!”. 

I sigh, guess they'd made an appearance sometime in the night. It irritated me but in the end there wasn’t much I could do about it.

I took my phone off silent, where I noticed a series of missed calls and texts from Damien. He really must’ve been unable to sleep, no surprise given the current state of affairs. I debated calling him back to set up a hangout, but decided against it for the same reason I hadn’t called the Paynes when I’d gotten lost. 

My meeting of Reed returned to mind and checking my contacts revealed a new name, “King Rex”. His contact photo was that of a T-Rex mascot with smoke billowing out of its snout. How had he managed to get that on my phone?

The how didn’t stick with me too long as suddenly it began to ring. Well speaking of parasaurus lucifer, King Rex himself was calling. I answered and was met with a familiar voice. 

“How are you doing this fine morning, Incmeister?”, the clear wakefulness in his voice pointed to him having been awake for a while. How did he manage to get up so early and be so full of energy? I had little time to dwell on this as his next sentence caught me off guard.

“You got any plans for today man? I noticed there was no car in the driveway and it struck me as odd when you hadn’t called your parents to pick you up last night.”.

 The reminder of my parent’s absence stung but I shook it off and answered him honestly.

“Got nothing planned Reed, my parents are out on a business trip so I’ve got the place to myself.”

My confirmation of being alone seemed to put a bit of excitement in his voice and we settled on him stopping by in about an hour. I’d heard him mention picking up a friend or 2 before he hung up.

I settled on the couch and thought about watching some anime Olivia had recommended in the past. Something felt strange about watching it without her though so I just put on my usual documentaries and waited. My thoughts drifted and I wondered what my fast friend had planned for today. 

—Damien—

I barely slept last night. My thoughts hellbent on as to why Olivia was stuck in a hospital bed. I wanted to find out why. What reasons could she have had to lead her down such a dark place in her mind?

I think back to the beginning of the school year. When I first met Inco, a good friend, hell,  my brother. When he entered the picture,  my adoptive sister began to break out of her shell and truly shine once again. From simply getting her to attend the Summer's end BBQ with us, her having a genuine good time at the arcade, and other examples I couldn’t even remember right now. 

I had told him to not blame himself after we left the hospital yesterday. The words seemed to be the obvious ones to say. After all, he had tried to stop Olivia's fateful decision….  

It was only due to my slowing him down that he hadn't made it in time. Why couldn't I just let it go? This whole time he seemed to be the only one actually making an effort, and I couldn't accept the fact that neither myself nor my parents had.

The thoughts burned in my mind but I had to stay positive, or at least look it. Everyone else was suffering and there had to be at least one person trying to keep spirits high.

I would’ve made a trip to his house but I’d never learned where he lived. Olivia had gone to see him once or twice, but I could never pry that information out of her. Her reasoning? I never would’ve left the poor guy alone. 

She was absolutely right about that.

With a sigh I look around the living room, in the middle of being decorated for Christmas. The spirit just wasn’t the same this year as the decorations hung limp and didn’t seem to shine as bright as they usually did. Even Vinny wasn’t his usual energy filled self, choosing to simply sit and watch ice hockey. It hurt seeing him like that, he had the least understanding of the situation and likely received the worst treatment from Olivia before it all happened. 

I hoped he didn’t blame himself.

Mom and Dad weren’t doing much better themselves. Clearly Olivia’s condition and Markus' downward spiral were weighing on them heavily. Just the other day after we left the hospital, he had gone off on his own and dad got a call to go and pick him up from some pizza place over in Skin Row.

It was pretty obvious he was drinking heavily to try and cope with this situation. He probably blamed himself, so caught up in work that he was unable to be there for her when she’d needed him most. We all knew nothing would be enough to stop him from putting the blame on himself.

I sigh and rub my eyes to fight off encroaching tiredness, my arm still sore from when Mr. Ferris had to stop me from killing Inco that night. I was just so mad at him, at the time it was so easy to pin the blame all on him. After all, things were fine before he entered the picture… right? 

I couldn’t believe the lie. She was reaching that point long before he showed up. 

I called Liz and tried to arrange something to do, I needed to get out. Markus was at the hospital still and would update if anything changed, I figured it best to give him space. Liz said she would love to but her student council duties weren’t over just cause winter break began. Especially given the events at the formal.

I hang up the phone in defeat and lay back on the sofa just thinking. So much is going on and all of my messages to Inco go unread and calls to voicemail. Beforehand we were always in contact and just shooting the shit killing time. Now? Nothing I sent was getting through to him and I couldn’t help but wonder if he blamed me for the situation.

I wanted to find fault in this possible reasoning, but none came to mind. The whole time he was with Olivia she was so happy and we just rode the coattails of that happiness. When things started going downhill, we all figured he could do it again. 

Thinking about how lazy and selfish we were this whole time almost brought me to tears. This new kid comes to school, I make friends with him, he somehow manages to break Olivia’s shell and when things start going wrong I get angry? Mad at his attempts to salvage a situation we all had front row seats to? Instead of buckling down and helping Inco out, my whole family had elected to sit back and hope he’d somehow work his magic again.

The day they came back from the mall and Olivia yelled at Vinny? We’d elected to let Inco go home on his own and leave Olivia alone. We hadn’t even made an attempt to cheer her up, putting all this weight on him and-

My thoughts are interrupted by Mom and Dad calling from the kitchen. The hospital had called, I was about to ask why but the look in their eyes told me it wasn’t happy news.

Whatever it was, I had a feeling things were about to take a turn.