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There were three of us–me, Tatsuya; my friend, Kazuki, and Akira. Kazuki and I had only been here for a little over a month, here being a local inpatient facility. Akira, the older gentleman in our group, had been here for approximately one year, and tomorrow was his one year anniversary of being admitted here. It also happened to be his birthday.
I tried to suggest some simple ways to celebrate given our limited resources.
“How would you like to celebrate? Cake? Mm, no. Ice cream? No. Let's throw a small party! No, but thank you for the offer.”
“You won't do anything for your birthday?”
Akira turned and looked at me, looked at me with his good side, a look I could never pin down.
“We'll do something later tonight, all of us,” he answered, a weary smile playing on his tired lips. “I think you'll enjoy it.”
So, I waited. Eight hours to kill until we met for our weekly group time. I paced tirelessly through sterile hallways, I cleaned, I cooked, I even managed to squeeze in a nap.
“Everything alright?” Kazuki asked, his tiny head peeking into my bedroom. “You look upset. He didn't say anything to you, did he? I know he can be abrasive at times.”
“No, it's not that. I'm just… waiting for tonight. We're all supposed to be doing something for his birthday. Do you know what he's planning?”
Kazuki’s face lit up at the birthday mention.
“Yes, he mentioned he wanted to do this thing where we write a bunch of fun facts about ourselves and share it. It's going to be so much fun!”
“No, it doesn't. You're just saying that because you think he's hot.”
Kazuki pouted and stomped out of my room, storming back down the hall into the common room. I'm not sure why he's upset; I'm right after all. All Kazuki talks about besides obscure horror films and sharks is Akira, Akira, Akira! He knows I'm right.
I retreat back to my bed, a pitiful foam rectangle tucked into a dank corner, and count the stars in the window. I hadn't seen an actual star until now. There's so many of them. There's someone at the door.
“You're not asleep, are you?” Kazuki asks, his voice quieter than before. “Akira is looking for you.”
We walk down the hallway, hand-in-hand, until we're back in the common room. The unforgiving fluorescent lights have been replaced with LED candles placed randomly around the room. Akira is in his usual spot looking noticeably different. Perfectly coiffed bangs and face framing layers have replaced his standard messy ponytail, and the outfit of the night is a crisp, eggplant blouse and gray suit pants. No shoes inside, of course. Slippers only. A whiff of his cologne catches in my nose: bergamot and star anise and something else, something spicy. I calmly resist the urge to bury my face in his neck. I can't let him know I crave him more than Kazuki. Be calm, now; compliment him.
“Who are you getting all dressed up for?” I asked, beaming my brightest smile at him.
“Myself, obviously,” he said, “And you and your little friend here.”
My little friend, Kazuki, was perched right across from Akira, sitting on the edge of his seat, mindlessly flipping through a tattered journal and twirling an errant strand of hair around his lithe finger. I shot him a nasty glare that seemingly snapped him out of his daze.
“Well thank you, sir,” I replied. “You're looking quite handsome tonight.”
“You look handsome all the time.”
“Kazuki,” I whispered. “Behave.”
Akira placed his hand atop mine, a small act of reassurance.
“Hey, man, chill out,” he said, “I don't mind, especially not today.”
I pursed my lips, hesitantly complying with his request, and pulled my notebook out. It was brand new, a thick leather journal still in its plastic wrap, a Christmas gift from my older sister.
I think you might need this– Hanaya
I gently tore off the plastic film and balled it up, tucking it into the drawer of the nightstand next to me. Akira watched me crack the spine open, the smell of fresh paper was almost as intoxicating as him.
“So, what's this activity you wanted us to do?”
Those tired eyes of his lingered on me for a moment, taking me on, all of me.
“How old are you?” he asked.
“30?” I answered, baffled. “I just turned 30.”
“And your friend, he's the same age as you. Correct?”
Kazuki shook his head. “No, I'll be 28 next week.”
Akira nodded, turning his attention back to his journal. He already had a good amount of pages filled up. They appeared to be numbered entries, ranging from brief sentences to fleshed out paragraphs.
“28, 30… You're still young. You've got plenty of time,” he started. “I'm 56. Can you tell?”
Honestly, no. Apart from an unexplained scar covering the right side of his face, he didn't look that old. He looked to be in his mid-30s, at best.
“I couldn't tell at all.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere, Ta-chan,” Akira scoffed, smiling mischievously. “I know I don't look as good as I used to… Anywho, I'm sure Kazuki already told you what I planned for this evening. We write a list of ‘fun’ facts about ourselves, and once we're done, we swap journals and read what we've written. Simple enough?”
Kazuki raised his hand.
“How many facts are we writing? 10? 20?”
“That'll be 28 for you,” Akira told Kazuki, “and 30 for you.”
“So it's according to our age?”
“Precisely,” was all Akira said, jotting down more notes in his journal. Kazuki began listing facts at a feverish pace.
30 facts about myself… I can't possibly come up with that much information. Not on the spot There's not that much to know about me, and certainly nothing interesting. I'm from Tsurumi Ward. Purple is my favorite color. I'm allergic to cats and pollen and shellfish. I'm a Virgo, I've never had s–
“Talking to yourself again?” Akira inquired, looking at me, chin in hand. Embarrassed, I apologized profusely, and began writing, putting down absolutely anything that came to mind, significance be damned.
An hour had passed. Akira finished sometime before us, quietly observing us as we scoured our young brains for information. Kazuki finally finished, slamming his glitter pen down with a triumphant flair. I finished shortly after, flipping through pages to make sure I didn't skip any numbers.
“Ready to swap?”
“Y-yes, we're ready.”
With that, we swapped journals. I slid mine over to Kazuki, Kazuki slid his to Akira, and Akira's journal landed in my trembling hands. His facts added up to roughly six pages, double-sided. Single sentences were tucked in between lengthy paragraphs. This was going to be a daunting read.
- Baseball is my favorite sport.
- I've been smoking since I was 12. Nasty habit, I know, but it's the only thing I know will take the edge off.
- I love rain.
- Ramen is my favorite food. I'd have it everyday if I could.
- I like my coffee hot and my steak rare.
- I've been told I have an amazing singing voice.
- I'm not a big fan of kids.
- I can't stand liars.
- I've got a short temper.
- Hospitals freak me out.
- I have terrible trust issues that make me keep people at arm's length.
- I'm a hopeless romantic.
- I have moments where I can't sleep for days
- I'm deeply insecure about my looks.
- I'm more of a cat person than a dog person.
- Large crowds make me paranoid.
- I don't have many friends left, and I think the ones I do have secretly hate me.
- When I do manage to get some sleep, I almost always have nightmares.
- I'm very jealous.
- I don't know who I am.
- I cry a lot in private, especially before bed.
- I'm tired. Everything is so fucking tiring. Breathing is exhausting. Every morning I wake up and think “maybe this time it'll all work out…” and it NEVER does.
- I could have been a better brother to Yuko. I didn't do as much as I should have.
- I haven't been physically intimate with anyone in years.
- I care about Kiryu more than I would like to admit. My ego won't allow me to ever tell him this.
- Dying doesn't sound so bad.
- I can't believe I'm confessing all of this to a stranger… You won't think differently of me once this is over, will you? I hope not.
- I'm a terrible cook.
- I'm an avid gym-goer.
- I love reading; well, I used to. I don't have as much time to read as I used to, so my bookshelf is collecting dust. The guilt gnaws at me, but there's not much I can do.
- I regret goofing off when I was in high school. I had decent grades. I could've gotten into a great university and had a shot at a normal, civilian life.
- My favorite color is blue!
- I'm lonely. It may not look like it, but I'm incredibly lonely. And shy.
- Late night drives calm me down. I usually drive up and down the highway after work to wind down.
- I'm a horrible person.
- Elaborating on the previous fact, I dated this older woman for a while and I didn't treat her well at all. Maybe it was because I was young and dumb, but if she was still alive I'd reach out to her for another chance. I don't deserve it, but I'd still try nonetheless. I really did love her.
- I feel trapped.
- I'm in love with my best friend, and I have no idea if I'll ever have the confidence to tell him. Not like I'll ever see him again.
- I bite my nails when I'm stressed.
- My hair is my security blanket. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I had to cut it off.
- I've self harmed in the past. This was decades ago. Most of the scars have faded.
- I was born in Osaka. I'd like to move back there eventually.
- I think about my mother every day.
- I've never had a healthy relationship with anyone.
- I'm a deeply anxious person.
- I miss the old me, before the world got its claws into me.
- I care way too much about other people's opinion of me.
- I need someone to tell me everything will be ok.
- I feel as though I've failed everyone.
- I've attempted suicide at least five times.
- I lack self-confidence.
- When I was younger, I engaged in an embarrassing amount of casual sex as a sort of… coping mechanism? You know what, I'm not going to talk about that. Nevermind.
- I'm a coward.
- I don't like being touched.
- I hate to say it, but I ended up just like my father.
- I miss Kiryu.
Taken aback, I set the journal down to process everything I just read. Akira's eyes are boring into me, waiting for any sort of commentary.
“What do you think?” Akira asks me, chuckling quietly. “Crazy, huh? I don't open up to people often.” His eyes are glossy now. I can spot something wet prickling on his lash line.
“You need a hug. Can I hug you?”
Akira's eyebrows knit in confusion at my sudden request.
“A hug… You can hug me. I think that would be good for me right now.”
With his permission, I rose out of my chair and made my way towards him, embracing him in the tightest hug I could manage. My face is nuzzled in his hair, sakura scented strands tickle my face. Warm tear drops prick my hands. Kazuki’s eyes widened at the somber scene in front of him. He pardons himself, disappearing into the white hallway, retiring to his room.
“It's just us now. Everything is going to be okay,” I tell him. “I promise everything is going to be okay.”
“You mean it?”
“I mean it.” I mean every word.