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Sleeping in the same bed had become routine for them by this point. Despite the frequency, Ramuda found that he never quite adjusted to the vulnerability of it. Every time, his heart and his thoughts would race, and it wasn't a bad feeling, but he would probably never get used to it. Adjusting to emotions had always been difficult for him. Especially particularly complicated ones such as these. He hadn’t ever been so close to someone else. By letting himself fall asleep in their arms, he placed more trust in Dice and Gentaro than either of them knew. It had taken far too long for the importance of their bond to dawn on him. When it did, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He had almost run away again. He wasn't made to process things like that, after all.
Ramuda wasn't supposed to fall in love. He wasn't supposed to feel at all. Though, he was an imperfect copy. He'd always felt some things, but he was unfamiliar with love. He'd never had to care about anyone other than himself before. Perhaps he should have cared about more people, but he never really did.
Now, not only did he care, he was in love. With two people who were far too good for him. They were willing to do anything to rewrite his future, to keep him alive, because they loved him. He couldn't say he wouldn't do the same for either of them. And it was terrifying to be such a stranger to such a strong feeling. Everything about it was new, unplanned, unpredictable. But, at the same time, it was comforting to be loved. They didn't care where he came from or what he had done. They were just happy to have him. He knew they were keeping secrets that could hurt him, but, despite all the time he had spent worrying, he found he didn't care about that anymore. They made him feel… real. That fluttery butterfly feeling in his heart, and the way it ached when one of them was upset, as though he was the one who had been hurt, that was special.
He used to scoff at the idea of someone being that important to him. He'd only ever seen love as a weakness that could be exploited. But he understood now. It could be a source of strength. Something that gave him the ability to stand when he couldn't by himself. It could be everything. And that made the thought of losing it all the more scary. He wasn't sure he'd ever been so afraid of losing something.
In the back of his mind, some form of guilt that he had severed these ties between others tried to make itself known. He buried it.
His thoughts returned to the present. The room was frigid, but he was warm. Gentaro's arm was resting over his waist, his torso pressed against Ramuda's back. Ramuda was laying with his head and arm on Dice's chest, subtly rising and falling with his breath. The steady sound of his heartbeat would have helped lull Ramuda to sleep on any other night, but right now he was having trouble silencing his mind. The other two had both fallen asleep already. At the end of the arm around his waist, Gentaro's fingers were intertwined with Dice’s. Holding hands while they slept. It was precious, Ramuda thought, that they loved each other as much as they loved him. They had all been lonely before they had each other. Dice had only one friend, whom he met with rarely. Ramuda was never allowed to keep the few real bonds he did make, either forced to break them or choosing to do it himself out of fear of betrayal. Gentaro made connections rather than friendships. Not people he could lean on, but people he could use. They had all been miserable. Until it was the three of them together.
Ramuda hadn't believed in soulmates at first, especially for himself, considering that he never really associated with anyone he wasn't required to. But, if they were anything, they were soulmates. Bound tightly together by some thread of fate until none of them could imagine a life without each other. If one of the three were to vanish, the other two would be incomplete. If that came to pass… More realistically, when that came to pass… His grip on Dice's shirt tightened. He tried not to think about what would happen then.
Ramuda wasn't supposed to fall in love, but he had fallen. Hard. And if he were to lose them, the safety net that had caught him before he fell to the ground, he was sure he would shatter. But for now, tonight, he was safe. So, he closed his eyes, breathed them in, and let their heartbeats be his lullaby.