Chapter Text
"Did you fuck him?"
The question slammed into James and twisted his insides. It felt crude and vulgar and unbelievably diminutive of a description.
"Sirius don't-"
"Answer the question James, did you fuck my brother?" His tone was merciless. It's the tone he uses with sycophantic wannabes and his bastard family members. It made James want to shake him.
The silence surrounding them was jarring. The night air was thick with tension and something else he couldn't quite name. It felt cruel and ironic to have this conversation in the astronomy tower.
James could see he was losing him. The situation was getting away from him and fast. His mind was reeling. He planned every minute detail of this in his head. Every word, every action. None of it was going according to his plan.
"Sirius, listen-" he tried but cut himself off. Wrong, wrong, wrong. He couldn't think of anyway to fix this. He couldn't think of the right thing to say.
Sirius was visibly anguished, his breathing was erratic and nothing James said was working. He reached out to touch him. Sirius grabbed his hand in an iron grip and pushed him against the wall with so much force, James was still reeling from it when Sirius snarled, "Say it, fucking hell, just say it."
His heart was beating fast, the situation was going sideways, he needed to get it together.
Sirius wasn't fully here. He was stuck inside his head where reason couldn't reach him. Where James couldn't reach him. He wouldn't push Sirius to the point of no return. He needs to pull him back.
But for the first time since it all started, James was scared. Really scared. There was a very real possibility of losing his best friend. His other half. Maybe he was too arrogant in thinking that, however this conversation went, they'll come out of this with their friendship intact.
"NO," The word tore out of him. His mind refused to acknowledge that line of thinking. "Sirius please just listen to me, you're gonna regret doing whatever you're about to do, so please just calm down."
He knew he said the wrong thing. Sirius' face was twisting into something ugly, something he never wanted to see in his beautiful face. He immediately wanted to take it back, he thought helplessly and his hand pulled at his own hair.
Everything was happening so fast but in James' head, it was all happening in slow motion. Words horribly distorted, moonlight flickering like matchstick flame.
"You arrogant fucking asshole, you said you would never use that against me, you promised! I believed you! I fucking believed you!" He bellowed but the truth was, there wasn't any anger in his voice. There was just betrayal, colouring it like a splash of blood on concrete. It sent a sharp flash of pain through James' heart. His words were pushing Sirius further into his head. He needed to pull him back. He felt like there was an invisible clock ticking, the sound coming from the walls, deafening him.
"I'm not. That's not what I meant, I promise."
"STOP, JUST STOP IT. That's exactly what you meant. So just stop with your empty promises. You thought you can use it as a subconscious blackmail trick. You always had it in your back pocket and now you're cashing in," Sirius was yelling and James was trapped between him and the wall and all he wanted to do was run. Merlin, be was such an embarrassment.
All he could do was murmur his soft protests over and over again. "No, no, no! Sirius please-"
"You thought you can use it as an excuse and I'll fold-"
"That's not true-"
"I'll fold and you can fuck my brother with no consequences."
"Sirius stop it. It wasn't like that," he said. Useless. He was utterly useless. His useless protests just seem to incense Sirius more. Frustration was seeping into his bones, making him want to punch something.
He was suddenly grabbed by his collar and slammed back. His head spun. "So what was it like?" His voice was loud and indecipherable. His face was carefully blank.
He was giving him a chance. This was his chance to explain. He had to say the right thing. The entire outcome of their friendship was riding on this.
"It all happened so fast and I- I didn't know what I was doing until I was in too deep. I didn't set out to hurt you. I need you to believe that. I would never hurt you, Sirius. I was hurting," Merlin, it made him feel wretched. He could see the flimsy excuse, the pleading in his tone."I didn't- I didn't mean to fall in love-"
"Love?" James' rambling was abruptly cut off. Sirius' expression was thunderous. It made James falter. Anger was clouding his vision.
James could take it back. He could spare Sirius the pain. The details were for himself. His to guard. He could easily lie. He knew Sirius would accept it. He knew even if on some level Sirius knew it was a lie, he'd still want to believe it. He'll take it.
But he didn't want to. Least he could do was own up to it. He didn't want to disrespect the sanctity of his love. His love for the both of them was the only redeemable quality about him. It was who he was. He didn't want to give it up. He loved them both in both different and equally complicated ways. He wasn't ashamed of loving either one of them.
He took a deep breath. "I love him." That was all that came out.
Sirius stepped back like James dealt him a physical blow.
"I love him, Sirius. I tried not to. God, I fought myself so hard. I couldn't- I couldn't stop it. I ruined everything I had. I know that. But I still couldn't stop." His words were rushed and melting into each other, begging for him to understand.
He was supposed to be the one person that didn't hurt Sirius. He was Sirius' person. He was supposed to protect him.
"You're my everything, James."
Two voices. Two people he was supposed to protect. Two people he hurt ruthlessly. God, he was such a selfish bastard. He failed them both.
He closed his eyes tightly, just so he didn't gave to look at the pained expression on his best friend's face, he couldn't, knowing he put it there.
Coward.
"How long?"
It took a while for James to register the question. He forced himself to look at Sirius. His face was again carefully blank. James didn't know what to make of this eerily calm version of him. He would rather be yelled at, punched, anything.
"I don't know," he said, voice pleading.
"How can you not know?" Sirius gritted out, voice low and dangerous.
"I told you, I didn't know what was happening until we went too far and couldn't back out. Didn't want to." He added, not looking at his friend.
"Did it start before or after..." He let the sentence hang, anger draining from him. He wasn't acting irrationally. He was taking this better than he expected. This was good.
James closed his eyes, unwilling to answer. Sirius dropped all pretence and stalked up to him, hand grabbing his face in a death grip.
"Look at me, James. I need you to answer. Now."
James didn't want to. He still wanted to guard every detail and hold it close to his chest.
Such a fucking coward.
He tapped Sirius' hand in a silent request. To his surprise, he complied. He let his hands drop to his sides. James wanted to escape his scrutiny. He walked to the parapet, facing the grounds. He could see Sirius, shining bright in the sky, a ruthless reminder. He wasn't escaping. There was nowhere to go. Fate had a cruel sense of humour. He was beginning to wish they had this conversation anywhere else. Anywhere but here.
Sirius followed him, coming to stand next to him, eyes glued to him.
He swallowed around the lump in his throat, eyes burning. When he spoke, his voice was cracking from the effort, "I can't tell you, Sirius, because I don't even know myself. Look, the timeline doesn't matter. I did what I did knowing we'd end up here."
Sirius voice was vulnerable and soft, "It matters to me." He was letting James see it. He wasn't hiding either. James didn't dare turn to look at him, terrified of what he'd find there.
James closed his eyes, the grounds were blurring, a smudged sepia. Time was making fools of them. At the top of the tower, for just the two of them, time felt like a myth. It felt like they were standing there forever, kindred spirits, twin flames, an eternity already passed, leaving them weary and worn out. But the love in his heart still glowed. Burned bright. He wanted another eternity with Sirius, all animosity forgotten, just the two of them, standing right here, at the top of the tower.
"After, Sirius, it was after," he said softly, resigned.
Sirius nodded. "Why? Why him?" His voice was equally soft. Murmured. If the world around them wasn't that strikingly silent and sleep soft, he wouldn't have heard him.
James inhaled. He knew the question was coming. Thing is, he didn't know how to answer without cutting out his heart and laying it at Sirius' feet. Why him? Why? The question never made sense. He was asked this before. All he could muster up was confusion. Because of course it was him. Loving him was as easy as breathing. The why was a stupid question. Why did his heart beat? Why did it spell his name? It never felt wrong to James.
Regulus Black's love felt like coming home. He never felt the need to agonize over the why.
All he could give Sirius was a feeble "I don't know".
"James." His voice was pleading.
James finally turned to look at him, eyes begging wordlessly to drop it. Sirius' face, contorted in pain was shifted again, twisting in anger from James' reluctance.
"Sirius, please," James was rushing to go back, hoping he'd get back to the silent camaraderie (he hopes) from before.
Sirius was just staring at him, face screwed up, rendered speechless from the pure anger and all James could think about was how he never fully appreciated how similar the arch of his neck was to Regulus, the cut of his jaw, the sharp line of his nose. He could see the vestiges of Regulus in him and self-loathing filled him to the brim at the sight.
No, no, no.
His eyes. His eyes were different. So different from Regulus'. A different shade of blue.
Sirius' were ocean blue. Sure. Frozen icicles. Meant to cut. Cold enough to catch frostbite from his gaze.
Regulus' were a softer blue almost grey. Steel forged in fire. Solid and immovable. Meant to melt. Scalding enough to set his nerves on fire.
His sigh of relief was met with Sirius throwing himself at him, grabbing his collar and having him nearly bend backwards off the parapet. The position brought with it a memory. Painful and cruelly ironic. It punched cold laughter out of him. He could see it drive Sirius crazier.
"Sorry, sorry" he gasped out between laughter. God, was he crazy? At this point he was straight up goading Sirius.
"Are you trying to drive me crazy? Secrets after secrets after secrets. I don't even recognise you anymore James. I am so sick of waiting. I am done understanding. You need to stop hiding. You don't want to make me desperate James, I mean it." Unconsciously, Sirius had been pushing him, inch by inch over the parapet, a few inches shy of throwing him over, his words were venom, poisoned black.
Amusement slowly faded from James as his words sunk in. There was simply too much he was hiding from Sirius. He knew it was gonna explode in their faces. He knew he was kidding himself, trying to keep them forever. No one knew him like Sirius did. He tried desperately to change that. Now it was coming back to bite him in the ass. He needed to give him something.
"Alright, okay, Sirius, you can't know 'em if you throw me over, mate," he said a note of panic in his voice.
Sirius either didn't hear him or was pretending he didn't. Real panic was creeping into him. He could see Regulus standing at the very same place, like from a distant depraved dream, he could see himself wrapped around him, hearts beating faster and faster, he could see a hint of something in Sirius that he saw in Regulus, a recklessness, a violence, a thirst to be free, anything but commonplace, an urge to see, see what it would feel like to jump, a kind of madness that spelled danger in big, bold letters. The kind of madness that made James fall for Regulus in the first place, the raging fire in him that threatened to turn everything in its path into ash, the one James wanted to kindle over and over, to fuel, to see the world catch on fire, to see him become the master of flames, to feel the heat on his own flesh.
He feels himself being lifted another inch and crashes back into reality with a jolt.
Merlin, he needed to stop drawing comparisons between them. Once he started, he apparently couldn't stop.
"Sirius?"
Something comes over Sirius' face and he gently releases him like nothing happened, going as far as straightening his collar for him, hands tender, eyes unreadable. He stares at his face for a long moment, with James holding his breath, waiting for the verdict. Sirius raises his hand slowly, as though proving he meant no harm, brings it to James' face to wipe his tears. James wasn't even aware he was crying, whether from pain, panic or laughter, he couldn't tell. He lets Sirius' finger ghost over his face a long time after his face is dry, like both of them were stalling, refusing to let the moment end.
James decided to bite the bullet "Because he made me feel understood."
"Because he made you feel understood?" Sirius echoed, voice dripping with condescension.
"Because he made me feel wanted. Like I didn't even have to try, like I didn't have to prove myself. He told me I was worthy of love, just as I was."
Sirius was smirking, the condescension not leaving his face. It made him feel small, unimportant. But he knew with a burning fervour, that his love for Regulus wasn't unimportant, his love surmounted mountains. If his love leaked out of him, the earth wouldn't be able to contain it, his love was anything but small. The thought made him bury his heels instead of running away.
"Because I'm a selfish bastard."
This made Sirius snort derisively.
"And a million other reasons, Sirius. These questions are silly. They don't matter. What matters is that I love him and he loves me. And our love is hear to stay."
Sirius' face clouds over, expression thunderous, rage apparent.
"You know what you should know though? That he loves you. He never stopped. I don't know what made you think that. I don't-"
Sirius was yelling stop over and over again when James powered through it. Sirius cut him off by wrapping his hands around his throat and squeezing.
"I SAID STOP," he growled out. "You don't fucking know anything, just because you're fucking my brother, it doesn't mean you get any say in our relationship. Are you trying to ruin my life? YOU MADE ME LEAVE. YOU MADE ME. YOU WOULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT." At this point it was a wonder they weren't waking half the castle.
James who was choking and scowling under Sirius' hands, wrapped his own around it and pulled him off, overpowering him in seconds. It filled him with giddy satisfaction. Sirius was unbearably beautiful but his frame was slender. He was no match for James' sheer muscle power. He held Sirius' wrists down by his sides, making him squirm.
"If I did, then it's the best damn thing I ever did Sirius," he said, panting.
Sirius was fighting him with abandon, not caring if he tipped them over to a 40 metre fall. Soon, he used his entire body weight to slam into James, making him fall backwards. Sirius soon straddled him to incapacitate him. James bucked but Sirius held him down with sheer force of will, his face hard and unforgiving. James could see just how Black he was. It was all over his face. Thank Merlin, he couldn't read his thoughts.
Now holding James' wrists over his head, pressing him into the cold ground, Sirius sneered. "I DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU. CATERED TO YOUR EVERY WHIM. I LEFT MY FAMILY, MY BROTHER BECAUSE YOU SNAPPED YOUR FINGERS-"
"YOU WANTED TO LEAVE. I OFFERED- MY PARENTS OFFERED TO-"
"YOU KNEW HE WOULDN'T COME. YOU KNEW, YOU SELFISH BASTARD-"
"THEY WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU. STAYING WASN'T A REAL CHOICE, YOU KNOW THAT. ALL THIS TIME, YOU PUT IT ON ME TO ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR GUILT AND I LET YOU. BUT REGULUS WASN'T MY FAULT. IF YOU HAD JUST-"
"DON'T SAY HIS NAME, YOU FUCKING BASTARD."
James just smirked, eyes mischievous, as if to say, I've done worse. He just couldn't help himself. There was a resentment there and he didn't know the origin of it. All he knew was that he was screwing everything up and he couldn't stop. Never could stop. He told himself Sirius needed to get it out. To yell and stomp and throw things to finally be able to process it. But that wasn't why he was abandoning his carefully construed plans to goad Sirius. No. It occurred to him if he processed everything in a healthy way, stuff like this wouldn't pop up and ruin his oldest and most important friendship.
He was pulled out of his thoughts by a fist colliding with his jaw with enough force to make his head bounce off the floor.
It hurt like a motherfucker. Holy crap. He felt his head spin. He had to blink hard against the darkness. Thankfully, he didn't think he had a concussion. Well, he was pretty sure.
"Okay, guess I deserved that," he said voice arrogant and mischievous.
"Sirius, sweetheart," he started but was interrupted by a hand fisting his hair and pulling, another punch landing on his mouth, making him bite his own tongue, mouth filling with blood. But his head didn't hit the floor, cushioned by Sirius' hand in his hair taking the impact.
Okay, the sweetheart thing might have been a mistake. His vision was blacking out around the edges. The guy knew how to throw a punch despite his posh, wishy washy upbringing. He still couldn't stop the pride filling his chest despite being on the recieving end.
He tapped the hand in his hair to get the grip to loosen. He turned to his side to spit the blood out next to him.
"Guess I deserved that one too," he said laughing.
Still straddling him, Sirius murmured, "You treated me like a dog the whole year and then went and fucked my brother behind my back." Sirius was talking to himself.
James wasn't fazed by the physical violence. They had done worse to each other. But Sirius looked distant, like he was back where James fought to pull him away from. It was a constant struggle. A battle from their very first year. Sirius had always been a ticking time bomb. James had always been the one to let him explode where he could strictly control the environment. Bottling it up wasn't healthy, see.
"I was obsessively attentive to you Sirius. You hated it. You threw everything away and made me give you space. So I did. You've always been one of the most important people to me in the world. I didn't know how to help you without fussing over you all the time. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I made you feel neglected."
Sirius drew his fist back, but this time, James caught his wrist. Atleast he was paying attention.
"Neglected? God, I said dog as a metaphor James. You're such an arrogant, condescending-"
"Don't, Pads, stop. We don't do that-"
Sirius twisted his wrist held in James' hand and pressed down on the steadily blooming bruise on his jaw, making him yelp and jolt in pain.
"Fucking hell. It wasn't intentional. Merlin, Padfoot. Although I kind of like you like this-"
This made Sirius press harder which in turn made James cry out in pain.
Laughing, James grabbed his hand again, holding it away from his torso.
"Alright, alright. I'll stop. Down, boy."
Sirius let out a growl like his animagus counterpart and attempted to wrestle his wrist free, but James held on tight, laughing.
"No, siriusly," he laughed to himself again (fucking hell, shut up James) "the first time around I really didn't mean to offend. I just meant the whole lengthy naming calling thing mate? That's not us. We know each other better. That's for other people. We've never done that."
"We've also never betrayed each other. Never kept secrets. Never pushed each other away. YOU did this to us. Not me." His voice was quiet, wounded. It drove a knife in his heart. His precious Sirius. The haughty terror with the devil may care attitude. He sounded so broken. It felt like cold water was being poured over his head. It made him wish Sirius would throw another punch. And maybe a few more until he lost consciousness. Instead he hung his head, all quiet and defeated.
A voice in his said that sounded a whole lot like Remus said, "James Potter, meet consequences," dripping with sarcasm.
"I'm sorry Sirius. I'm so sorry. All year, I wished I could take it back. I wished I could somehow protect you from this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"You are?" He asked suspiciously quiet, not looking at him. James assumed he was trying to hide his tears. Sirius finally let up and got off him. He sat up and immediately winced from the pain in his face and the throbbing in his head.
Sirius turned away and gave him his back. It hurt more than the punches. While James was recently guilty of hiding things from him, he never did. Even if he attempted to, he usually gave in to James' constant prodding. So him hiding away was not good. Really not good.
"I am, Sirius. I am sorry."
"But you're still keeping secrets from me."
"I told you what you wanted to know. What else is there, Sirius?"
"You tell me. When did you become such a good liar, James?"
"It wasn't just my secret. He didn't want-"
"THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT, JAMES" he bellowed, turning around abruptly and letting him see, letting him see the rage, the betrayal and the hurt.
"He has a right to-"
"So what? You two were just sitting around, talking about stupid Sirius-"
"You know, you know that's not true."
"I don't know anything because you refuse to tell me, Jamie."
"Okay, okay what do you what to know?"
"Why did Narcissa write you? How many Blacks are you currently fucking?"
James laughed, surprised. He slowly got to his feet. Fine. He was fine. A little dizzy but otherwise fine. No concussion.
"Just the one," he said, amused.
Sirius' expression darkened.
"We're in love, Sirius. These things happen," he said exasperated. "Do I need to sit through an inquiry about my intentions?"
"Prick," he muttered darkly adding to his amusement.
"Look, it's nothing, alright? She just wanted to check on you," James said. "She feels guilty," he concluded with a roll of his eyes.
"Why you? Why now? How do you even know her?"
"Why does it even matter? She's pathetic. Just like the rest of your family."
"You're fucking my brother like-" he started enraged.
"He's nothing like them. Nothing."
"So you know, don't you? Did he tell you he was a sycophantic, dark magic worshipping little shit when you were spooning?"
"He's not like them." He said fiercely, eyes blazing. "You should get to know him. I'm sure he would-"
"STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO" he snarled. James backed away with his hands help up, making a whole show of it like the dickhead he is.
"And I didn't forget how you dodged my question."
James rolls his eyes.
"I told you everything Sirius. Look, I'll try to do better okay? I mean it. It's time I stepped up. That's why I told you. Now can we just talk this one out? I don't want to lose you Sirius. I never want to lose you." His voiced cracked right around the second 'lose you'. It was pathetic and downright disgusting.
Sirius' face softened as he stepped forward sucking his thumb and gently running his wet finger over the corner of James' mouth, wiping away the semi-dried blood there. He startles, the gesture unexpected. Sirius' eyes were locked on James' face. He slowly cleaned away the blood. James felt foreboding clinging to him like perspiration. Sirius was being hot and cold the entire conversation. But now, now he was silent. Lost in his head. And James was stuck standing there like an idiot.
He smoothed his fingers over James' jaw over the bruise, making him wince. Sirius brought his other hand to his other check, keeping him from pulling away. James wasn't trying to. "Shh it's okay. You're okay. Follow my fingers yeah?"
He moved his fingers in front of his face in a horizontal motion, checking for concussion. James obliged.
"No concussion. You're fine."
"Gee, thanks. Nice of you," James said with a half smile.
Sirius gave him a forlorn smile, not quite fitting the situation, eyes blank. It made James' heartbeat increase exponentially. He tried to step back but Sirius held fast, fingers now ghosting over his torn, bloody lip.
"Sirius?"
Sirius smiled at his pathetic tone, a different smile, all predatory, incisors gleaming.
"You're never gonna tell me everything James," his voice was sickly sweet and so unlike Sirius, his thumb was running soothingly over his jaw, his lips, his cheeks.
James tried to pull away and this time Sirius let him, stepping back.
"We should go. Let's talk in the morning, yeah? Come with me Padfoot."
"No."
"No?"
"I said not to make me desperate, James. You have made me very desperate. You're killing me you know that? Have been for the past two years atleast."
"I know. I know. I'm sorry. Just please-" he was genuinely scared now. The predatory gleam hasn't left Sirius' eyes even though his words were soft and sickly sweet.
"Shhh, it's okay, love. It's alright."
He was shaking. He knew it. He needed to get out of here without hurting Sirius. He was so lost in thought that he'd been blatantly eyeing the door. The door closed with a thud. James was shaken from his thoughts and his eyes drifted to Sirius' wand. He had spelled the door closed.
James immediately reached for his wand. He patted his pockets. They were empty. Fucking idiot.
"Looking for this?" Sirius pulled out James' wand from his pocket. The little shit must have nicked it during their struggle.
"Okay, fine. You win."
"Ah, ah, ah," he tutted "not yet."
"Sirius-"
"This has always been your problem, Jamie, you might hide things from me, but I know you. Always have. You're too damn trusting. It's gonna one day get you killed."
"So I'm good at hiding things but I'm also too trusting?" James questions.
Sirius lets out a mirthless laugh, chilling James' bones.
"James Potter, an enigma."
"You flatter me, Padfoot."
He chuckles and throws his wand behind him. James watches it with a pang in his heart, fear sliding into his veins.
On some level, James knew what he was about to do, because he's been there, desperate and at the end of his rope. He'd done his fair share of inexcusable things. Things that tore him up. He wanted to pull Sirius from the edge, not be the one to push him to it.
He needed to humanize himself. Appeal to his conscience.
Sirius slowly pointed his wand at him, looking like it pained him to do so.
James attempted a dry laugh, which came out more like a choking noise. "You gonna hurt me, Sirius?"
He looks apalled at the suggestion. "I would never hurt you Jamie, you know that. You're way too precious to me. You're the most important person in my life."
James wanted to break down and sob. He was barely holding it together. "Then why do you want to do this?"
"Because I want you to stop. Stop hiding from me. I want us to know each other again with no secrets between us."
"Fine. I'll tell you what you want to know. Just lower the fucking wand."
"You won't" Sirius was crying now. "It'll be quick and then I'll know. We'll go back to the way thing were."
"WE CAN'T GO BACK. WE CAN NEVER GO BACK" he tried yelling to shock him out of it. "I've been there. There's no going back."
"There you go talking in codes again. There's no codes between us. No secrets. Remember? I'm the one that always gets you."
"Yes you are. You are Sirius. I love you so damn much. But it's an invasion of my privacy. It's a violation."
"YOU FUCKED MY BROTHER," he yells. "You went behind my back for years and fell in love with him. Fooled me for years. My best friend. I called you my home, my everything. How do you think that feels?"
"I'm sorry". With a jolt, James realised, Sirius wasn't disassociating. He wasn't stuck in his head. This was a hundred percent rational decision.
"I don't want it to hurt," his voice was soft and pathetic and cracking around the edges. He himself didn't know how much of it he was faking. Because, god bless, he was shaking.
"It won't. I promise. It's easy. Just like dreaming."
"No. No. It'll hurt. I'm sorry. Okay? Let's talk."
"It's alright. It's okay. You can make it up to me."
"NOT LIKE THIS" with that he threw himself forward attempting to tackle Sirius. He stepped back like he was expecting it. And with an easy flick of his wand, he conjured ropes that tied him to the parapet on the topmost stair.
"I'm sorry." He was pacing back and forth, looking deranged, repeating the same thing.
"Sirius?"
"Legilimens."