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Ed was standing in some line when he heard the first whisper.
“What’s with the armour?” “Doesn’t it get hot in there?” “What do they think they’re doing?”
“What a monster.” “A sin.” “Someone killed their brother to get this.”
The whispers were loud, and he spun around to find those who were whispering, only to see no one around. No one but his own baby brother, soulfire eyes the only difference between him and inanimate armour. But even they looked dead to him.
“You did this to me,” Al whispered harshly. “I should be dead. You killed me, but then you had to bring me back, worse than before!”
“I-I…” Try as he might, every word stuck in Ed’s throat, choking him from speaking, from defending himself, from reminding Al what they were trying to do, what they tried to do. “N-no…!”
“You did this!”
Ed fell off the bed with a strangled shout ripping his throat to shreds, and he struggled to figure out where he was, what happened, what was real and what was fake.
The object of his nightmare creaked his armour as he looked up from the little novel he was reading in too-big hands. Not real hands, the leather gauntlets that had been with the armour that trapped Al’s soul to the mortal realm. It was difficult to tell how he was feeling, armour made no facial expressions except the ones that were made onto it, and before he could even voice a question, Ed was hightailing it out of there, afraid of the nightmare being true.
He burst through the bedroom on unsteady legs. He was still getting used to the automail, but it wasn’t as horrible as it had been months ago when he had gotten them first attached. Still, he was wobbly and clunky on his automail leg, and he couldn’t stop when Winry poked out of her room at the commotion, slamming into her and the door.
“Ow! Ed! Careful, you idiot!” She cried, rubbing her leg where his automail had smacked into it.
“I’m… Fuck… Sorry,” Ed couldn’t stop hearing dream-Al’s voice accusing him, rightly so, for killing him and forcing him to be a puppet in a suit. “Dammit…”
He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt arms loop around him slowly. He felt his head rest against Winry’s shoulder as he tried to stop crying but only managed to spill more tears instead.
“Winry? Is Ed okay?” A hollow echo of his brother’s voice made him freeze, hiding his face further into Winry’s shoulder.
“Uhm… He’ll be okay. You go back to be- uh… Go back to bed,” Winry fumbled with her words, but she helped Ed up, keeping him facing away from his brother, thankfully. “We’re just going to get something to drink, is all. Don’t worry, Al.”
“Oh… Okay…” Al said softly, but it was still eerie to hear the echo that continued to plague his words. The creaks and squeaks of metal moving meant he was returning to their shared bedroom at Granny’s, and suddenly Ed could breathe a little bit.
Only to feel the tears come back.
He was helped downstairs to the kitchen. He barely saw or noticed anything until a glass of water was given to him and he held the cup like an alcoholic nursed a final shot of rum.
“Are you okay? What happened?” Winry asked in her softest voice ever, and something in Ed crumbled.
He blurted out how he had screwed over Alphonse. How he forced his little brother back but made it impossible for him to feel, sleep, do anything but live and think. It was all his fault, and he couldn’t do anything until he was better with walking and using his automail, until he took the State Alchemist test to become a Dog of the military, and everything was leaking out of his mouth. He was almost surprised he had managed to say everything without shouting like he felt like he should be doing. He destroyed his brother’s life, his future and it was all his fault. All because he was selfish and just wanted his mom back.
In the middle of his ranting, arms wrapped around him in the tightest hug Ed had ever had since before Mom died. Winry held him so closely, so tightly he couldn’t talk anymore, the words dying on his lips, until he could only cry again.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ed,” she almost sounded like she was pleading with him, begging him to believe her. He wasn’t sure he could at this point. “You did what you thought was best. He’s your baby brother.”
“But I made him into this!” Ed sobbed. “I was the one who wanted Mom back, and I… he didn’t stop me! He helped! I shouldn’t have ever had him help me, I should have been the one to…”
The hug tightened before Winry pulled away, grabbing Ed by his face hard, her eyes filling with tears even as she looked angry. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence, you hear me? It wasn’t your fault!”
Then why did it feel like it was his fault?