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“Let's goooo, Kei-chan! I'm sure you'll love it! There's delicious cupcakes, and cakes, and…” Rokuta was listing with bright lights in his eyes everything that could be found at the newly opened candy shop he had discovered recently while out with Shiki from TCW.
Everything inside was twisted with mixed feelings. TCW are fools, blinded by the illusions of diabolical metal, allowing a fellow survivor of hell on earth to continue destroying his body and mind. As well as their own. And the fact that Mino...no, that Rokuta had bonded and befriended one of them left a bitter, vile taste in his mouth. But who would he be if he said 'stop it'? What right did he have to forbid anything, especially when after every encounter he had with Shiki, Rokuta was so happy...?
“Out of budget again…” Kei shook his head slightly regretfully, already expecting another 'You're spoiling him too much' from Itsuki tonight. “Tell me more about it.”
“Oh, it's so bright, and there's tons of stuff in the windows, and there's a dog on the sign! And it's called…” Rokuta froze, with his eyes wide and staring ahead in confusion. “...called... What's it called?...”
A lump formed in Kei's throat that was impossible to spit out or swallow. His brother turned in an instant from a shining sun into a confused, lost puppy who couldn't find his way.
“Man, what an absent-minded fool I am.”
But of course he was too strong a person not to be able to bring himself out of this condition. It took a second for Rokuta to smile warmly, and that smile made everything inside Kei clear and filled with a gentle warmth. He wished he could throw it out, wish he could swallow his brother up with it...
“I think I've forgotten where it is....”
“I see…”
It wasn't something that could be called an ordinary absent-mindedness. But bringing up uncomfortable topics at a time like this would be foolish at the very least — after all, this was a rare opportunity for them to be somewhere alone together, and he should thank Itsuki again for it later.
“It's okay, no need to worry…” Kei tried to give the most reassuring and affectionate smile in return, and squeezed his brother's palm. It was bigger than his own, hot and slightly rough, with hardened skin that no amount of cream could help. It always felt so good to touch it, Miyama couldn't pass up the chance to hold hands with Rokuta. “Anyway, we have the sign as a lead. So we… could just ask around.”
“But, Kei-chan... Are you gonna be alright...?” With his empty hand, Rokuta carelessly tucked a strand of hair behind Kei's ear.
“Of course. I have earbuds and earplugs with me. Don't worry about me.”
Rokuta pressed his lips together, causing his face to take on an adorable, childish, whimsical expression:
“You're always saying 'don't worry about me,' even though you're worrying about everything and everyone. Kei-chan is a dummy.”
With that, Rokuta poked Kei's forehead with his fingers. Kei himself only sighed softly. He had no excuse for that accusation.
“Touché,” he smiled weakly. “But I'm really fine now. Let's go and ask…”
“Kei?”
Hearing the familiar voice, Miyama flinched and shrugged slightly. Noticing his reaction, Rokuta, who had just calmed down, tensed up again and looked at him worriedly. Kei felt like he should pull himself together, and quickly. Running his thumb along the outside of his brother's palm in a calming gesture, he finally turned at the voice, giving his face a dispassionate restrained expression. At least trying to do so.
“Shogo, Kantaro,” he said wistfully, nodding slightly. “What an unexpected meeting.”
“Indeed.”
Shogo froze with a confused expression on his face, Kantaro with suppressed irritation. He wasn't one to allow himself to wipe the cheerfulness off his face on the street, but Kei wasn't fooled by his smile — being in some ways mentally the most fragile member of the team he took his leaving the worst.
“Whoa! You're VISTY! I never thought I'd run into more rappers on the street like this! First Ryu and Shiki, now you! I'm so lucky, aren't I, Kei-chan? Aren't I?”
Kei blinked confusedly, and then gave a warm, affectionate smile — Rokuta was like a big, affectionate dog who'd brought a wand and was eager to have it thrown to him again. Even if Kei lived under the same roof with Rokuta for the rest of his life, he could hardly find the limits of his brother's joy and tenderness.
“Definitely,” he nodded with a totally confident expression, then turned his gaze to his former groupmates.
They both seemed to be disarmed. Kei chuckled silently. There was a line between wearing the masks of the idols and the real, purest, untainted joy that only Rokuta was capable of.
“Wow, you're a real ball of energy even offstage,” Shogo, as befitted a leader, was the first to pull himself together and smile in a friendly manner. “I'm glad to meet you. My name is Shogo.”
When he held out his hand, he clearly hadn't expected all the enthusiasm Rokuta could shake it with. Squeezing the other man's palm in his own, he shook it vigorously.
“Rokuta!” Kei raised his voice slightly, noticing how Yamato's eyes widened in surprise, and how he wrinkled his nose slightly. “What did we say about strength control?” His voice was soft, but insistent. Sometimes Rokuta gets a little too excited...
“Oh, goodness!” He let go of the other man's hand and scratched the back of his head guiltily. “I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry! I'm just really, really strong, but sometimes I forget that…”
“No need to apologize,” Shogo smiled, and Kei felt somewhere deep inside him that he was fascinated by that smile. “I’m fine.”
“You're sure you're alright?” Kantaro dropped his mask of cheerfulness and frowned, examining the leader's hand meticulously. “It's red!”
“I can move it, don't worry.”
“Hmm... Okey-dokey, if you say so,” the young man nodded and turned around, his smile tightening as if he hadn't just frowned. “Why are you here?”
“Oh, I wanted to show Kei-chan the pastry shop I went to the other day, but I've forgotten everything about it except the menu and the sign with the dog!”
“You don't even remember the name?” Kantaro tilted his head, and his panama tipped slightly to the side.
“Nope!”
“Wow, don't you have trouble memorizing lyrics and melodies?” Misuji's eyes widened.
“Of course not! Kei-chan's songs are too cool to forget!”
Kei could imagine Kantaro cringing in his mind at that moment, but out loud the boy only grinned:
“Aww, you really love him a lot....”
“Of course I do! Kei-chan is very kind and caring! And talented!”
“That's true,” Shogo smiled. “By the way, I think I know which pastry shop you're talking about. Kantaro and I were headed there ourselves, so we could go there together if you'd like.”
It was a very bad idea and promised to be something as awkward and uncomfortable as possible for them all. What was Shogo trying to accomplish with his suggestion...?
“I'm in!” Rokuta exclaimed happily, raising his hand to squeeze the hand of the astonished Kantaro, with whom he clearly intended to become friends. Such a kid... “And we could buy you something... Well... To compensate for your arm…” his smile became embarrassed.
“No need, I'm not even hurt…”
“Pleeeease!”
Oh, no, puppy eyes. Something Kei couldn't resist at all. And judging by the confused way Shogo's eyes raced (no, Shogo, don't even look that way. Kei is the last person who can help you in this situation), and the sweat dripping down his face, he was too.
“… Okay, you can be convincing,” Shogo's blue eyes flashed with the warmth that was so familiar to Kei from his time in the group.
Shogo was a natural leader — kind, sensitive, and caring to every member. He always had a kind word for Kantaro, who was frustrated by the hater's posts, and for Toma, who was too worried about his looks, and Aoi, who was agitated by the burden of his role as the “perfect prince”.
Kei didn't need warm words-or that's what he thought. But Shogo had them for him, too. Miyama never shared his worries, but with the leader it was nice to talk about everything and nothing at the same time; it was nice to see the gentle warmth of the sky-blue eyes turned toward him, as if it took some of the weight off his shoulders, even without knowing what that weight was; it was nice to feel the embrace they shared when they were alone. More than anything in the world, Shogo hated being in the shadows, and yet his soul was so large that it was capable of accepting someone who inevitably, against his own will, cast that shadow. Kei wasn't looking for warm words or love, but it was beyond him to reject Shogo's open heart held out in the palm of his hand.
“It seems we'll have zero yen left for tomorrow's budget,” Kei smiled softly.
“Ah? What are you talking about?” Shogo looked at him curiously and started walking slowly in the direction he wanted to go, deciding to act as a guide.
“Oh, it's Itsuki-nii! He's in charge of the money,” Rokuta's voice came from a little further back. “If we spend more in a day than he has determined, the excess is taken from the next day.”
“Wow, that's strict!”
“So why didn't you insist?..”
“Because Kei-chan is very, very kind!” Rokuta chuckled. “Itsuki-nii always grumbles that Kei-chan spoils me too much!”
“Wow, it's like Kei's your big brother!” Kantaro laughed after him. “Shogo acts like a brother to us and can spoil us too!”
Everything froze inside Kei. Kantaro hardly realized how accurate his words were. How close to the truth he was now....
“Oh, well, actually…”
“Rokuta.” Is that really his voice? Is that him speaking in that cold tone right now...? “Don't say another word.”
“ I-I'm sorry…”
Things were... out of control. It wasn't some terrible secret - at least TCW knew the truth - but for some reason the thought of his former mates finding out about it... tightened his throat with a strangling loop. He could handle the resentment, the disappointment, the anger, but... He couldn't handle the pity.
“Kantaro, Rokuta,” Shogo's voice sounded like a blur. “Why don't you go ahead and let Kei and I catch up?”
“Ah, but... Kei-chan?”
Miyama exhaled noisily:
“Go. I can see you're already hungry.”
Kantaro, no matter how he acted, was a surprisingly perceptive boy. Realizing without further ado, he grabbed Rokuta's hand and pulled him along, immediately engaging him in some conversation and pulling out his phone, clearly intending to take some pictures together along the way. His brother looked away for a while, but still, as Kei could tell, he was engrossed in the chat with his peer.
“Kei,” Shogo's soft voice brought him out of his stupor. “Rokuta, is he…”
“Don't... don't go any further,” he answered too quickly, and his voice shook so nastily now, creating unnecessary disharmony and dissonance that immediately echoed in his temples.
“You're keeping it all to yourself as usual,” Shogo's warm hands gently wrapped around his shoulders. And then he spoke, as if even quieter than before. “Please, let me understand you. I beg you.”
This “I beg you” sounded like only Yamato Shogo could. That gentle blue palette of his echoes, despite the coldness of the hues turned out to be so warm, as if meant to complement a summer sunny landscape.
Kei looked up at him. Shogo seemed nervous, and he made no secret of it. The crinkle of his charcoal eyebrows, the worry in his sky-blue eyes, his lips slightly open and quivering... Was he still worried about him even now? Even after all the misery that had befallen him because of his, Kei's, leaving?
“I can't tell you everything.”
“Then at least tell me what you can. Is Rokuta your brother?”
Kei averted his gaze, as if trying to hide from the stranger's involvement. But he pulled himself up, barely parting his lips, and exhaled softly:
“Yes,” he added after a short pause. “He doesn't remember it. He lost his memory during the time we were apart,” his palms clenched with his own helplessness. Itsuki said his music could heal. So... how long will it have to be before his brother remembers him? And how long would it take before he could feel like his brother?
“That's how... I…”
“Spare me your pity,” Kei cuts off, finally looking into the other man's eyes. Is this really what Natsume Ryu felt back then...?
Under his gaze, Shogo flapped his eyes confusedly, then smiled. Once again with that strange tenderness that shouldn't have been turned toward the traitor who had nearly ruined his career.
“All right, I won't. But you can't stop me from sympathizing with you.”
“I see someone's gotten better at negotiating,” Kei smiled weakly.
“Don't even talk about it,” Shogo chuckled softly. “I feel like I'm walking through a minefield.”
“I'm sorry.”
“You better apologize for leaving without explaining anything to any of us.”
“I had to.”
“Had to leave?” Shogo furrowed his eyebrows slightly. “Maybe. But leaving like you did wasn't necessary. At least if you'd given us a hint, we wouldn't have felt like the genius had abandoned us for a better option.”
Kei covered his eyes. They were still standing there like two idiots, and Shogo was still holding his shoulders like he was some kind of fragile preciousness.
The beautiful flower in the flask.
“I've never thought of you that way-” His voice sounded so quiet. It rustled like a leaf caught in a breeze. “You're all extremely talented and hardworking people. And I loved working with you. I liked rehearsing, performing, participating in streams, talking to you…”
What was the point of saying it now, when what he had done had already been done, and his words would not change the pain he had already caused? And he keeps on causing pain again, like he was doing now with Rokuta with his cold tone....
The grip on his shoulders tightened slightly, forcing him to look up. Shogo was looking at him with his eyes wide open, and a confused, so uncharacteristically timid smile was shining on his lips.
“Shogo...?”
“Kei, it suits you to be sincere,” he said softly, and leaned his forehead against Kei's, covering his eyes. “If only you weren't afraid to open your soul to others.”
“I have my own circumstances,” he answered quietly, as if afraid to ruin the charm of the moment. His hands came to rest on the other man's waist, lightly squeezing the fabric of his T-shirt. “But one day... I'll tell you everything.”
“Is that a promise?”
Shogo's warm face was so close now. It was just like when they'd been alone together, doing little things they shouldn't have done in public. Nothing too explicit - lying in bed cuddled together, innocent touches of lips furtively, and yet it was already so much to Kei.
“It's a promise.”
“I'll remember that,” Shogo smiled faintly, and his grip around her shoulders turned into a full-fledged hug. Still infinitely tender and ephemeral, yet enveloping him from head to toe.
“Shogo,” Kei said quietly. “They're waiting for us.”
“... Damn. You're right,” he chuckled softly, grudgingly unclasping both hands and holding out his palm.
Kei needed no words of love and affection other than those of his 1Nm8 comrades - or so it seemed to him until today's reunion. And yet it was beyond him to refuse the open, wounded heart he had been given.
Only now he dared to take a risk he had never known before - he gathered up his own shattered heart and timidly and tentatively held it out in his palm in return.
Shogo brightened and intertwined his fingers affectionately. And somehow, against all odds, Kei felt that he had done the right thing now.