Work Text:
I don't know why I romanticize everything. I don't know why I feel the safest with those who have hurt me and will do it again, why I look for solace with those who strive to ruin me. When I sit and think here for hours about why I miss them. from the boys I knew in middle school to the guys who held me while watching my destruction. It's so stupid and sounds like a bad show, I always sit here waiting for those who've moved on to bigger and better things. The boys who will only want to experience me before they settle down. Maybe I'm easy but I don't like the hard life. I just want to continuously feel the high of being with those who will turn my heart to ruin over and over again because I'll never say no. I'll never have it in me to not let you back in time after time again when they tear me apart while I love and appreciate all of them and their souls.
I fall for pretty words and small laughs. I fall for the comfort of knowing they will never see to the end with me. Those who don't want to learn my soul and body. Just those who want to feel like they're someone's everything because I'll forever put those ahead of me instead of caring for myself. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Always waiting. Always here. Always listening. Always trying not to forget. What else am I if not a collection of those I've met? Who am I if I don't take everyone and carry a part of their existence within me? Who am I? I don't know and I don't want to learn. I'm comfortable in the hole I've created for myself.
I don't want to pick and choose I'll accept them with open arms because I'll always find the soft spot and goodness in everyone but myself. I know I'm soft, I have no hard bone in my body but it makes me, me. I think I'm forever going to feel this way. I don't think I'll ever find someone because the thought of telling someone the darkest and locked-up parts of me makes me feel like I'm unraveling. I don't want to come loose. I want to stay this way forever…at least I think so. What I do know at least is that I'll never leave them to wallow by themself. No matter what it costs me I'll be there, I'll be their ground holding them down, I'll be their comfort and their remedy.
They would never approve of me. Maybe it's who I attract because they could never be the one for me. All the arguments and all the late nights wishing I was born different won't amount to anything but a shorter night of sleep and a stronger coffee in the morning. Knowing I'm destined to be this forever I find it easy to fix and repair those who will tend to someone else after. Knowing that they only hold me for a moment before they go, knowing all the kisses are superficial to them, knowing I'm just a placeholder.
My friends call me a love cannon at best, for I have no one to show me the same but I'll forever be full of it for the world and those who live in it. I think I'll be this way forever, bandages and all.