Chapter Text
He woke up with a start. His eyelids flew open, he felt his body shaking uncontrollably as he sat up on his mattress, panicked, lost. Tears finally formed in the corners of his eyes, and he wiped them away as usual. This had become his daily routine.
Trying to sleep.
Waking up with a start.
Waiting for sleep.
Reading.
Staring at the clock in his vast bedroom.
Staring at his Slytherin posters on the wall.
Staring at the pictures of his friends on his bedside table, their silhouettes moving.
Then going downstairs and having breakfast.
Which he could barely swallow anymore.
His mother argues with him.
Going back to his room.
Have a shower.
And most importantly, not looking at the deep, black mark on that forearm.
Then think about James.
Think about how his lips brushed against his.
Then think about the past.
Think about how Sirius' hair looked in the fresh snow where they used to play.
Then think about him.
Just think about him.
Are you okay ? Do you eat? Are you happy ? Do you laugh often ?
So many things he needed to ask.
Do you miss me?
Then cry a bit.
Then.
then
then
then
Then
Then
Then
Then
Then
Then....
He ran his hands through his hair, clutching at his dark curls as if his life depended on it. As if everything was going to be better, that he was going to find him again, that he was going to find himself again.
His sheets were soaked with sweat, he felt like he was going to throw up, his head was spinning a little. His destiny was catching up with him. He could run. He could hide behind his memories, hide behind his friends, hide behind his parents, or just run. He couldn't escape his destiny.
He had to go down into that cave, put that locket in, then leave and destroy the horcrux.
What's the point? What was the point of coming back? What for? To bite his nails until they bled because Voldemort was going to look for him, to hide even more, to watch James and Lily start their beautiful little family, to watch Sirius laugh and smile while Remus hugs him and plays with his hair?
Why did he have to come back? For his mother to remind him of what he had to do. Keep your head up. Keep your fear deep inside. Move forward, be sure of yourself. Make us shine. And if you don't do that. You get out of this house. But if you listen to us, then you'll meet a beautiful young woman and have children with her. The Black line is important, Regulus. You'll have lots of kids, you'll spend the rest of your days growing old, watching your kids grow up, watching your kids be afraid of you because you'll do the exact same thing we did to you.
And then regret.
To regret not having followed him. To regret not having tasted freedom, like a snowflake melting on a child's tongue.
To dream of this man with black, curly, messy hair. To his lips twisted into a mischievous smile, to watch his eyes light up with clever ideas, to count each birthmarks that covered his body.
Feeling his fingers caress his skin, warm, soft, delicate.
No, Regulus didn't want this torture. This mission might have meant everything. Maybe he should go to this cave, and never come back. He will then entrust the burden of destroying the horcrux to Kreacher, or to Pandora.
Regulus got up slowly and sat down at his desk. With trembling hands, he picked up a quill and a pot of ink, then a parchment.
He had to get all this out before he left.
He had to put down on paper everything he hadn't been able to say.
Regulus didn't want to die without telling them.
After that, he'll sleep in peace. Forever.
15th, July, 1979
Dear Sirius,
You know why I'm writing to you. Or maybe you don't. Yes, I know it's been a long time since I last spoke to you. But better late than never, right?
I wanted to tell you that I love you. I've loved you since I was born, Sirius, it's true.You know it. The second I laid my baby eyes on you, when I did everything I could to have you hold my hand, to feel you, to have your approval.
Do you remember the snow? When we were about 8. Mom didn't want to let us go out, but you took my hand and we ran so fast. We ended up falling right into a pile of snow, near a fountain. I remember, there were Christmas trees already decorated and you told me that later, we would go back there.
That's what we did. Then we went to Hogwarts, and we moved away.
And I'm so sorry, Sirius really. I'm telling you on paper, you know I'm the weaker one. You always knew that. From when you were the one who challenged Mum over trivial things, to the one who stormed out of the house without even turning around.
I'm sorry I'm not like you.
I'm sorry I didn't live up to it.
I'm sorry to be the coward. But you had to be the hero.
You are the hero who flies and helps everyone and I look at you.
And so I had to tell you.
That I love you and I never stopped, even when I was insulting you before going to sleep because this situation wasn't fair. This whole thing was fucking unfair.
I'm going to die, in a few hours. I'm going to die, but for a good cause. I want you to read this letter and think that I'm brave, not a coward.
Let me become you, for the end of my life. You told me one day that everything had an end, when we saw each other again after you left. I told you that it didn't have to end like this. And you told me that sometimes, it did. So I believe you today.
I believe you with my whole body, my whole heart, my whole lungs.
Remus will take care of you. I know you found the right person, that he will love you with such hardness that you will be afraid but you know, it's normal. I know how much you are afraid to love. Afraid to break everything. Like you think you broke me.
I broke myself, and know that I don't blame you.
I wish I had more time. I wish we had more time but everything has an end.
I love you.
Please love yourself too. And think of me when you see the mere mention of Leo, of the stars, of the snow, of the clandestine breakfasts, of the laughter, of the bedtime stories, of the tears, of this letter.
I love you.
And I'll be right above your head. You know what constellation to look at.
Your brother, because I'm sorry,
Reggie