Chapter Text
"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist yo—"
"Irratino?"
"Oh, hello Detective! It's absolutely grand to hear from you again!"
"Yeah, same… same to you. Say, why was I sent to 171 Chapel Street again? My captain said it was a specific request…"
"Ah, yes! Well, you see, Ms. Bridges who lives in that house went to her shed yesterday because her lights went out, and she got so freaked out by some loud chittering and flapping of wings that—"
"You and I both know it's just bats, Irratino."
"Yes, that's exactly what I told her! But she insisted, no, it has to be something else! So I told her I'd send someone over in the morning. That's the only way I could pacify her, unfortunately for both of us. She wouldn't get off the line otherwise, that old— oh, sorry, bad joke I was about to make there!"
"So… why the police? Why not pest control?"
"I also sent pest control. Aureolin should be there any minute now, she's teaching a new field recruit this week."
"…God bless you, Irratino."
"Why, thank you! I see you've been practicing your positive self-talk, Logico! How's it been going for you?"
"It's going well, thank you. Eh, alright… I'll go talk to Ms. Bridges, but Aureolin and her trainee better be here soon."
"Thank you, darling! Talk to you later!"
"Home safety hotline, this is—"
"This must be some sort of joke, Irratino. A raccoon? Really?"
"So I don't get a 'hello, how are you' anymore?"
"…"
"…Alright, that's fair. Where are you currently, back at Ms. Bridges'? She had another intruder complaint pretty recently, Aureolin said—"
"Sheridan High. They heard some noises after last night's game and called us first thing, they dispatched Copper but she didn't find anything. Now I'm here at the ass-crack of dawn, I haven't even had my coffee yet, and there's a family of raccoons sleeping in the commentator's cabin."
"…seriously? In the commentator's cabin?!"
"That's exactly what I asked Copper when we found them. Now what am I supposed to do?"
"We'll send over pest control as soon as possible, okay honey?"
"I… okay, thank you, but also… I know you're soft for those critters, Tino."
"Yeah… but it's not up to either me or you what pest control do with them, you know?"
"…I'll see if I can convince them to rehome them to a rehab shelter."
"Thank you so much! This is so sweet of you!"
"Of course. Maybe Bella could use a few siblings."
"I don't know if it's a smart idea… I think they'll try to eat her. But thank you for thinking about me!"
"Of course, as I said."
"I'll see you on Saturday for lunch? The hot pot place with the good dumplings is open again."
"See you then. You're… sending pest control, right?"
"Oh! Oh yeah! Aureolin will be on her way to you in the next five minutes, or the hot pot's on me!"
"It's always on you."
"You know what I mean, you sarcastic—"
"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"
"I tried to catch you on your cellphone, I didn't think—"
"Oh, hi Logico! How are you today?"
"I just found a giant wasps' nest under the roof outside my window."
"Oh shit—"
"You're telling me? First cockroaches, then the whole bed bug debacle, now this… I don't even know what to do anymore."
"Hmm… well, you could move out. Stay with me until you find another place, you know?"
"I don't get paid enough in this job to afford a new place, Tino. You know this."
"Then how about, hmm… well, we don't really have wasp removal services as part of pest control, silly as it is… are the cockroaches still there?"
"Not… as many as two months ago, but I think we reached an agreement? I don't even know anymore."
"I can send Cloud to you for case assessment if you don't mind? But really, Logico, I think it's best if you moved out and stayed with me for a while until either we got your house pest problem under control or you find a new place."
"Okay… I'll think about it."
"Thank you, darling!"
"But if I stay over, where will I sleep? I'm not taking over Bella's room."
"Of course you're not. You're staying with me! In the fullest sense of the word. My bedroom, no arguments."
"That's very kind of you, but— OH FUCK! ONE OF THEM'S IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"Gotcha! Go kill the evil wasp, Logico! I'll send Cloud to you!"
"FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE—"
"…Hey, Cloud? Yeah, it's Tino. We got a major pest problem at 26 Hillcrest, apartment number seven… yeah, it's the detective. Yeah, the roaches are back. I know you're not with pest control, but do you mind…"
"Home safety hotline, this is—"
"We're gonna need the fire department over here ASAP, Tino."
"Logico?"
"We got a call from Ms. Bridges at Chapel Street that her neighbors from across the street are screaming, got a house fire going on apparently."
"That blind old bat… okay, getting the fire department dispatched for you right now, darling."
"Thank you. We'll talk—"
"Did you manage to move all the boxes safely? Was Charcoal helpful?"
"Now's really not the time for this, Tino!"
"Okay, okay! We'll talk later, got it!"
"…Hello?"
"Hi, this is Irratino from Home Safety Hotline, I wanted to see if your house move went alright."
"Hey, baby… it did. Charcoal was very helpful with the stuff I couldn't carry."
"I'm glad to hear it. And the house fire on Chapel?"
"Turns out it was Charcoal's house that burned. Blame his husband for trying to make toast with a toaster held together by electrical tape and a prayer."
"He did what now?"
"It's all… it's alright now. They're going to have to pay for extensive repairs for the house, but at least they have somewhere to go."
"Got it… so, what color is your underwear today?"
"I'm gonna get back to unpacking my boxes and I'll see you tonight for dinner!"
"Aw, you're no fun!"
"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"
"Please tell me there's some actually dangerous reason why I was called to check the community garden and it's not something completely harmless again?"
"Logico, you're going to have to be more specific than that."
"So Charcoal and I get sent to the community garden because people with patches have been getting sick, alright?"
"Okay…"
"So our suspicion is that either there are poisonous doppelgangers around the garden that people just don't know how to identify or there's something malicious at play."
"Fair suspicions all around, go on."
"So we get there and we see… nothing. Holes all over the place, dirt everywhere, but I looked through the book you gave me and there's nothing here that anyone could identify incorrectly."
"Holes all over the place… okay, got it. Could be moles, could be gophers, could be… is the grass around those patches high or low?"
"It's… it's the community garden, Tino. You come here every weekend."
"Right! Right. So let's rule ticks out for a moment, hmm… can you tell me which vegetable patches seem the most… taken from?"
"What?"
"Just tell me which ones, if you know of course."
"Alright, umm… the tomatoes are in season right now so I assume those, the peppers too, there's someone who's been growing beets, but aren't those a winter vegetable?"
"…Beets? I… yeah, they are…"
"So tomatoes, peppers, beets and the leafy greens patch seems pretty well-loved, but I assume that's your doing specifically."
"What can I say? But you said… dirt everywhere? Also the tomatoes and peppers… yeah, it's probably ticks. They hide in tall grass usually, you—"
"I know. Goddamnit…"
"But we can't rule out gophers! I can send someone over to check right now if it's gophers or moles."
"You really don't have to, it's not… you know what? Please send someone, thank you."
"With pleasure! Cloud's on his way to you right now, Logico! I'll see you for dinner!"
"See you, baby."
"Beets, huh…"