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It was four months after meeting Yuki that Momo realized he was in love. All things considered, he had probably been in love for a good while before that—Momo loved easily, and loved often—but he did not try to look back to figure out how long it had been, when it had started. That wouldn’t be fair to anybody, because for the past four months and even longer, Momo had also been in a physical relationship with Ban-san, and even though Ban-san didn’t really love Momo like that, Momo did love him dearly, and so it wouldn’t be fair to Yuki to continue messing around with Ban-san, especially since Ban-san could replace him in an instant. Anyone in the village would fool around with him if he asked, and anyone in the village would be a better pick than Momo, because the mayor would not disapprove so strongly of anyone else. He had made that quite clear to Momo the day that he’d been sent to kill Yuki: that his son did not, could not love Momo, that it had been a silly little fling and nothing else, and that Ban-san would learn better soon. So this was unfair to Ban-san too: Momo was just holding him back, and keeping him out of his father’s favor. And he had been selfish enough to think that it was fine before, because the village was doing better now thanks to Yuki’s power, because as long as people thought that Momo was trying to kill the demon in the woods he and Ruri had an easier time of it, because every morning when he returned from Yuki’s castle Ban-san would be waiting by the gate, would take him back to their tree in the woods, would fuss over him and clean and bandage his neck and hold him close and it would take everything in Momo to remember that Ban-san didn’t really love him, that it was all pretend, that he was just rebelling against his family and was kind enough to bring Momo along, that none of it meant anything at all, that Ban-san would do this for anyone, that Momo wasn’t special to him at all.
Well—Momo was a little special to him. They were friends. Ban-san was devoted to every person in the village, but he was only friends with Momo, because he liked Momo best—but he certainly didn’t love him. He would degrade himself to love Momo. He was degrading himself even now, pretending. Momo couldn’t let it go on—especially not now, when he had fallen in love with Yuki, and Yuki loved him in turn. It wasn’t fair of either of them to go on like this. Moreover, as long as he and Ban-san pretended to be in love with each other, Momo was obligated to try to kill Yuki. He wasn’t really trying, but that didn’t make much of a difference. He was still supposed to, but he didn’t want to. He could never hurt the one he loved, even in pretending, even in a lie—and to pretend to be trying to kill Yuki for the sake of marrying Ban-san even though neither of them wanted to be wed…that was too much. He couldn’t possibly go through with it. He could not keep up the lie.
So as the dawn rose on the day that Momo made this realization, he did not go to the village gate where he knew that Ban-san was awaiting his safe return. Instead, he went to their tree and sat amongst the roots and ran his fingers along the wounds in the tree and waited.
Someone had tried to kill Yuki here, long ago. Someone had succeeded in killing the other demon, the one whose corpse was hidden somewhere in the ruins of Yuki’s castle. Yuki had offered to let Momo see it, but he had declined. Everyone in the village wanted Yuki dead. Probably everyone in the world outside did, too. He was sure that if he saw the corpse, he would never get its image out of his head—but with Yuki’s face and features transposed onto it. He didn’t think he could handle that. Yuki, all alone and dead, imprisoned in the ruins of a once-grand castle for eternity…
A thousand years had softened the gashes on the trees so that you could run your hands over them without any fear of getting splinters, the wood a thousand times softer than the sanded and polished furniture in the mayor’s house. Sometimes Momo and Ban-san would leave messages for each other inside of them; often, Ban-san would leave small gifts for Momo there as well. There wasn’t anything there today, though. For the past four months, they hadn’t needed to sneak around to meet each other, and so some of their old habits had fallen into disuse.
It’s a relief, though, Momo thought to himself. I don’t know if I would have the strength to reject Ban-san’s kindnesses immediately after receiving a present from him…
And then both Ban-san and Yuki would have to suffer needlessly due to Momo’s weakness. He couldn’t allow that. He had to be strong. He had to…
Ban-san didn’t appear at their spot by the time morning turned to noon, and Momo found himself nodding off a few times, and so instead of waiting any longer he scrawled a quick note to Ban-san— Please meet me here at sunset, I need to tell you something— and returned to the village by the path that he’d always used to take, when he and Ban-san still had to sneak around to see each other.
I suppose I’ll go back to using this all the time soon, Momo thought. Ending his and Ban-san’s pretend courtship meant that they wouldn’t be able to spend time together openly anymore, and that would hurt terribly. He’d gotten used to the intoxicating rush of calling out to him in public, of walking around the village together, of just being able to exist in the same space as much as either of them wanted. Their romance was not real, it was true, Ban-san did not love Momo like Momo loved him, but their friendship was, and that friendship had been able to exist under its protective covering—and now that covering would be stripped away.
It’s better this way, Momo thought. I could never ask Yuki to be alright with my being with another person, especially someone I love, regardless of Ban-san’s lack of reciprocation. And the price for Ban-san and I to be friends openly is the displeasure of Ban-san’s father. I know how much Ban-san admires his father. I know how much it hurts him that they’re on bad terms right now. How could I ask him to keep suffering just so that I could have my cake and eat it too?
Luckily for Momo, Ruri was not in the little one-room house they’d built when he returned, so he was able to crawl directly into his blankets to catch up on some amount of sleep, at least. He wouldn’t sleep the whole day away. He couldn’t. There was too much to do…
But when he awoke, sunset had long since given way to dusk and faded into night. There was no time to meet with Ban-san—he had to go see Yuki—and so, after begging Ruri to give Ban-san his apologies for missing their meeting, he hurried into the forest, pledging to properly end things tomorrow.
But tomorrow Ban-san was called away to do work for his father; he left a message at the gate saying that some of the farmers were having a dispute, and that he was to mediate it; he promised to meet at their spot as soon as he got back, but he had not returned by the time the night had fallen, so it was two days before they were finally able to meet.
Sunset barely reached even this far into the forest, but what light did reach them stained the gashes in the trees a deep crimson. The same light covered Ban-san, who stood in front of them, making his skin look pale and bloodless, like a well-crafted imitation of a human being who belonged to the trees and their gashes, to the forest and its monsters—and then he hurried forward and took Momo by the arms, and he was Momo’s ordinary kind worried Ban-san once again.
“Momo-kun!” he said. “Are you alright? You’ve been working yourself so hard. I’m so sorry. Are you feeling alright? Have you sustained any new injuries? —You probably have. I’m sorry.”
“No—no, I’m alright, Ban-san!” Momo said. “Really. I am. You don’t need to worry. I’m sorry that I slept through our meeting time the other day, even though I was the one who asked you to come…”
“It’s alright,” said Ban-san. “You needed your rest. I’m just glad that you’re alive.”
Momo blinked. “Alive?” he echoed. “Why wouldn’t I be alive? A little bit of missed sleep isn’t going to kill me, Ban-san. I was just tired, so I took a shortcut home, that’s all. I wasn’t doing anything dangerous.”
“You spend every night hunting the demon in the woods,” said Ban-san. “It could easily kill you—not to mention the fact that the forest is full of beasts! If some of them cornered you, then…then you might die to that too! You risk your life every night, Momo-kun! Any night could end with your death…any day could be the day you never come back.”
“Ban-san…”
“That’s why…that’s why I…Momo-kun, you wrote that you had something you needed to tell me. I have something that I need to tell you too. I’ve been thinking it over for the past few months, but…two days ago, when you didn’t come back, and yesterday, when I was kept away from the village and couldn’t greet you…that’s when I knew. I know it’s selfish, I’m so sorry, but I can’t go on like this.”
“I agree,” said Momo, relief flooding through him. Ban-san agreed. They had to end this. He would probably be so happy to hear about Yuki, too…
“Momo-kun, please marry me,” said Ban-san. “I know the way out of this forest. I know how to get to the city. If we leave and marry, I could get a job as a bookkeeper there—I could support you, I promise. I know it won’t be easy. But you wouldn’t be in mortal danger every night, and—”
“I don’t love you, Ban-san. I never did,” said Momo, and that wasn’t how he had meant to say it, but Ban-san was talking about throwing his whole entire wonderful life away for Momo, and even if Momo’s position was as dangerous as Ban-san thought it was it still wouldn’t be worth it for Ban-san to throw everything away for him. He wasn’t worth that. “I could never marry you.”
Ban-san’s hands dropped from Momo’s arms. His face went slack and pale. He took a step back.
“...Why?” he said, his voice soft and only barely cracking. “You…you’d said…and everything with my father…”
Oh, Momo thought. I see. Ban-san’s misinterpreted things. He thought that after his father’s intervention, I forgot what this really was. He thinks I was fighting so hard to marry him, and so he’s planning on destroying his life to give me what I want. He’s kind. Too kind. I can’t let him do this. I can’t let Ban-san hurt himself for my sake!
“I love the demon in the woods,” said Momo. “His name is Yuki, and he’s actually a really good person. He’s been protecting our village for the past thousand years because of a vow he made to an old friend of his, and because of that he was starving to death. That’s why the beasts were acting up—not because he meant us harm, but because he wasn’t able to protect us anymore. But he can now. I’ve been taking care of things.”
“With the demon ?” said Ban-san. “The monster?!”
“He’s not a monster! He’s never hurt anybody, and he never would! The real monsters are the people who want him dead without knowing anything about him, like—”
The silence hung dead in the air between them. The sunset had ended, and in the dark, Momo could not see the expression on Ban-san’s face—but he could imagine it. Ban-san had never considered that the demon in the woods could be anything other than evil, could be anything like Yuki was at all. He was shocked, probably. Incredulous. Worried. But he would listen to what Momo had to say. He always did, after all.
“And that’s why I wanted to tell you that I want to end the…the thing we’ve been doing for the past several months,” said Momo. “I know it wasn’t real. It never was. I was happy to pretend, because it made you happy, but now that I’ve fallen in love with Yuki, I don’t want to fake this anymore. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”
“It’s a demon,” Ban-san said, and his voice was terrible, and none of it sounded at all like what Momo had expected to hear. “How do you know it hasn’t put an enchantment on you?”
“He would never!” said Momo. “I don’t think he’d ever even consider it. He loves me! And—and what reason would he have for enchanting me, anyway? He could have destroyed our village at any time. But he’s been protecting us—for a thousand years! If it was all an enchantment and a lie, his actions don’t make sense. Besides, you’ve noticed, haven’t you? We’ve been having more sunlight. Better weather. The beasts are avoiding our hunters. We’ve been able to reclaim more farmland from the forest. Those are all things that Yuki has done for us to make our lives better!”
“Why?!”
“Because he loves me!”
“How do you know that thing is capable of loving anyone?” said Ban-san, still in that terrible voice, and Momo snapped.
“Just because you don’t know what it’s like to love anyone doesn’t mean nobody else does!” he shouted. “Yuki is a good person—better than anyone else I’ve met—and he loves me. Why aren’t you happy for us?! I thought you would be—we’re friends, aren’t we?!”
“Friends,” Ban-san said bitterly. “Right.”
“You can’t seriously be upset I didn’t tell you about Yuki earlier when you’re reacting like this, Ban-san,” said Momo. “That’s not fair.”
“And God forbid we be unfair here, right?” said Ban-san, cold and harsh as the biting winter wind. “We wouldn’t want to hurt anybody, right? Make them think we loved them and run around with someone else behind their backs. Make them think they were special and then turn around and reveal none of it meant anything all this time. Right?”
“That’s why I’m telling you!” Momo shouted. “Because I didn’t want to hurt Yuki!”
Ban-san laughed like snapping wood, like the strings tightening on a puppet. “Right, right, of course,” he said. “Let me rephrase. You wouldn’t want to hurt anyone who actually mattered, right?”
Momo, who mattered only to three people who may have just become two people, flinched. “Yuki matters a lot,” he said, and his voice quavered, and tears burned hot in his eyes.
“Yeah,” said Ban-san. “Clearly.” His derision came through clear as a bell, but underneath it he sounded defeated, hollow. “…You really love him?”
“Yes.”
“And you never loved me.”
“Also yes.”
Though that wasn’t quite true: Momo did love Ban-san, he loved him dearly, he just knew that the love wasn’t reciprocated, that reciprocation was an impossibility. And he knew, too, that Ban-san was kind enough to fake that reciprocation and destroy himself in the process, something Momo could never in a million years allow happen.
“Everything…everything that you’ve done and said to me since I confessed my feelings to you has been a lie.”
“Not everything,” said Momo. “We’re still friends, aren’t we?”
“…I would like us to be,” said Ban-san. He took a deep breath, shaky and loud in the manner of someone about to sob so hard they threw up. “I don’t…okay. Okay. I don’t like the demon. I don’t trust the demon. I think it’s a monster, and that we’d probably all be better off if it was dead.”
“You’re wrong!”
“I don’t think I am. But—I do trust you, Momo-kun. Maybe I shouldn’t. You’ve definitely lied to me about a lot. But I do trust you, and I can see why it would fall in love with you. Anyone would. You’re incredibly easy to love. And—am I correct in assuming you’ve been using the charge to kill the demon to instead court it?”
“Him. But, yeah. It’s been really nice.”
“…Then why stop pretending?” said Ban-san.
“I don’t want to hurt him!”
“Well, explain the situation. Tell him that you were sent here initially to kill him to…to win some chump’s hand in marriage, and ask him if he’s okay with you continuing to pretend to be in that relationship so that the two of you can keep meeting safely. After all, it’s not like any of this meant anything to you, right? And if he really loves you, surely he shouldn’t mind you using this chump as a shield to get what you really want. Right?”
“But then your father will—”
“I won’t let him touch you.”
“But what if he touches you?!” said Momo. “What if he hurts you?! I know he’s been furious with you for the past few months—”
“I don’t care,” said Ban-san. “He wouldn’t hurt me, and if he would, it wouldn’t matter, because it’s not like he would kill me. And if he did, that would be fine. I’d welcome it, even. But he won’t. He’s invested too much into me to just allow me to die, or to disgrace him in any other way. You shouldn’t worry about that.”
“You’re my friend, Ban-san,” said Momo. “I would do anything for you. I don’t want to be the reason he hurts you—”
“You’re not,” said Ban-san. “He doesn’t hurt me.”
“Not physically, I know, but it hurts you that he’s upset with you, doesn’t it?”
Ban-san laughed again, this time with a bitter mirth. “No, Momo-kun. It doesn’t. It truly doesn’t. I haven’t cared about that in months. It hasn’t mattered to me what he’s felt, because I knew that he was wrong. I had more important things to worry about. So—if this is all fake—why not let it stay fake? And that fakeness can be the shield that allows you to see your real love.”
Momo thought about it. “Maybe,” he conceded. “I’ll ask. But it would be only if people were watching us or growing suspicious.”
“Of course,” said Ban-san. “It’s not like you have to fool anyone in private anymore.”
“Right,” said Momo. “I’m glad you understand, Ban-san. And I promise I’ll show you that Yuki really isn’t a monster! Later, though—it’s dark and I don’t want to make him wait.”
“Of course,” said Ban-san. “You really love him, after all.”
“Yeah!”
Though their fight was still sticky and uncomfortable in Momo’s chest, he sent the brightest smile in Ban-san’s direction that he could before running off into the forest to see his love, heedless of the beasts that would never harm him, and the howling wind that sounded like devastated sobs, and the darkness and curses all trapped within.