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“He’s gone!”
“What do you mean he’s gone?”
“Gone Naboo. You know what gone means don’t you? He’s left, departed, exited, vamoosed, vacated, taken off…”
“Alright you jerk off, I only asked.”
Naboo reaches for the kettle.
“What you doing?”
The switch is flicked.
“What does it look like I’m doing, I’m making a brew. You want one?”
Howard shakes his head in disbelief.
“Have you heard nothing I’ve said? Vince has gone. He’s actually packed a bag and left. Just one bag, that’s how upset he was. Naboo we gotta get after him. This is our fault, well mostly my fault but yours as well. I’ve gotta go find him before he gets too far away. Where’s your carpet? Where’s Bollo? Come on, we’re running out of time.”
“Bollo’s taken the carpet in for a steam clean. You sure you don’t want a cuppa? It might help calm you down a bit.”
Howard grits his teeth. His cheeks redden with annoyance.
“I DON’T WANT A CUP OF TEA! I WANT TO GO AFTER VINCE!”
Naboo stops squeezing his teabag against the side of his cup and looks straight at Howard. His dark brown eyes seem to hold so many secrets, so much wisdom, and Howard is mesmerized for a moment, a moment that is until the image of Vince’s anguished face comes barging back into his mind.
“Please Naboo. He needs us.”
Naboo nods, dumps the teabag into the sink and raises the cup to his lips. He takes one long refreshing sip before placing the teacup back onto the counter and leaving the kitchen towards his bedroom.
“I’ll get my turban.”
--x--
“He’s fucked off somewhere hasn’t he?”
“Well he, er, umm…”
“Mike just tell me.”
“I dunno Ju, he didn’t really say.”
“For christ sake, I cancelled a meeting with my agent to come over here.”
Mike shrugs and turns to flick the switch on the kettle.
“I’m making a tea. You want one?”
“No I don’t want one. What I do want is for your brother to keep his goddamn promises.”
“Sorry.”
Julian rubs his palms across his face and sighs. His expression softens.
“It’s alright Mike, it’s me who should apologise. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. It’s just Noel can be such an inconsiderate twat sometimes.”
Mike stops squeezing the tea bag against the side of his mug and looks up at his friend.
“I think you should talk to him Ju, you know, properly like. I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to piss you off. There’s a bit more too it than that.”
“What d’ya mean?”
Mike takes a long sip from his mug.
“He should be the one to tell you.”
“Please don’t do that whole secretive crap with me. What’s the matter with him?”
Mike takes another sip. Julian, worry lines now evident across his brow, puts his hand onto the smaller man’s shoulder.
“Seriously, is there something I should know about Noel?”
“Just go find him yeah.”
“Mike?!”
“I can’t tell you!”
The men look straight into each other’s eyes for a moment, both seeing as much compassion in the other as they do steely determination. Julian eventually takes a step backwards.
“Okay, but can you come with me?”
Mike sighs before swallowing the rest of his tea and putting the mug down onto the countertop. He edges past Julian and out of the kitchen.
“I’ll get my coat.”
--x--
Of course it had started to rain. What a cliche!
“Vince! Vince! Vince!...........................Vince! Vince!”
Howard runs backwards and forwards along the pavement, pausing sporadically to lean into shop doorways, lift lids on skips, yell into alleyways and dark corners. He’s soaked to the bone, wet kiss curls plastered against his forehead, a manic expression upon his face.
“VIIIINNCCCCE!!!”
“Howard shut-up won’t you, I can’t hear my crystal.”
Naboo has stopped near a postbox, a large emerald-coloured gemstone pressed against his ear. Howard rushes towards him.
“What are you on about hearing a crys….hang on a minute, how the hell are you not wet?”
Naboo is absolutely bone dry, not one droplet of rain about his person.
“Shhh Howard, I think I’ve got something.”
He gives the gemstone a shake.
“Bugger, it dropped out. We must be in a black-spot.”
Howard’s mouth is slightly agape.
“What the…?”
Naboo finally looks at him. He holds up the crystal.
“This? Oh this is just a kind of tracking thing. It makes different noises as it gets closer to other parts of itself.”
“Other parts?”
“Remember that glittery nail file I gave Vince for Christmas?”
“The greenish one, yeah I remember. He’s always got that with him….oh I see.”
“Exactly. Vince thinks he can handle himself but he’s too trusting sometimes. And Bollo worries about him if he’s out past midnight.”
“That’s brilliant Naboo! And I suppose you’ve woven a piece of gemstone into that flat cap you gave me last year?”
“What flat cap?”
“You know, the one with the brown and grey stripes.”
“The one I found in the gutter outside the shop? I thought you must have dropped it.”
“But you gave it to me on my birthday?”
“Did I? How coincidental.”
“So it wasn’t a gift.”
“No.”
“So what did you give me with a bit of the gemstone in it?”
“I haven’t. You don’t go anywhere.”
“I’ll have you know you shamanic nitwit that I go out every Tuesday to meet up with….”
Naboo shakes his hand in Howard’s face.
“Sssshh, ssshhh, it’s buzzing again. C’mon quick, I think he’s close.”
Naboo darts across the road, a nimble blur of purple parting the raindrops in his wake.
Howard scrambles to catch-up.
“Hey, you haven’t told me how you’re staying dry either.”
--x--
Mike is literally running to keep up with Julian’s enormous strides. The taller man seems oblivious though, his phone pressed hard against the side of his head.
“Fuck, it’s gone to voicemail again. ‘Noel. Noel are you there? Answer your phone goddammit. Noel pick up!’ Shit it dropped out.”
“I don’t think mobile phone voicemail works like that Ju. He can’t actually hear you leaving a message.”
Julian presses redial but the same result.
“Why the hell isn’t he answering his phone? Are we in a black-spot or something? He always answers his phone, he’s a phone fucking addict. Fuck.”
“Julian wait, I think I know where he is.”
“Fuck you Noel. Fuck this, fuck this whole thing. Fuck.”
“Julian!”
“Fuck.”
“Ju stop!”
Mike tugs on Julian’s arm spinning the taller man to a halt in front of him. He leads him into a shop doorway, removes a cigarette packet from his coat and offers one. Julian starts to reach but then declines.
“No, I’m not gonna start again because of this.”
“Just take a deep breath then yeah.”
Julian nods his head and gulps in a lungful of London air. He lets it out slowly.
“Feel better?”
Ju repeats the action and nods his head.
“This is really stressing me out Mike.”
“I can tell, but it’s alright, I know where he is now.”
“Really, where?”
“What’s Noel’s favourite animal?”
“What?”
“Animal Ju, what’s his favourite?”
“I dunno. Monkeys I s’pose.”
“Monkeys. Apes. Gibbons.”
“Yeah so?”
“Did you read in the paper about the new baby Gorilla at London Zoo?”
“I think I saw the headline.”
“Well Noel not only saw it he read the whole article aloud to me about three times, then he phoned Mum about it, and then he phoned Dave laughing about him being the Dad and such.”
“So you reckon he’s at the zoo? But you can’t be sure though can you?”
Mike smiles and taps his nose.
“Call it brotherly instinct.”
“Bugger off. How do you know really?”
Mike holds up his phone to show a picture of the back of a person in a red fluffy coat standing near a sign saying ‘Name the Baby Gorilla to win a year’s pass’.
“I know because five minutes ago someone on tumblr posted this with the caption ‘100 times you couldn’t see his face and still knew exactly who you were looking at’.”
“That’s him!”
“Yep.”
“Well what are we waiting for then?”
--x--
Howard and Naboo stand in front of a large metal gate which announces across its middle ‘ZOO’. The crystal in Naboo’s hand is not only buzzing it’s pulsating softly from lime to jade and back again.
“He’s in there alright.”
“Jesus, why here?”
“Happier simpler times. Plus he might have packed a bag but I doubt he has any money. There’s not many options when you’re skint.”
“Is it even safe in there? I thought after that final rabies scare the place was going to be demolished.”
“Council probably can’t be arsed. The land’s not worth enough yet.”
Howard wraps his fingers around the bars.
“This really brings back some memories.”
“Like your thing with Jack Cooper?”
“What? No! I never had a thing with Jack Cooper.”
“That’s not what I heard.”
“Well you heard wrong. We were just good friends.”
“Right.”
“Look Naboo are we going in there to find Vince or what?”
“Well you are.”
“You’re not coming?”
“You need to do this on your own. Besides I can’t go in unless I’m invited.”
“Isn’t that vampires?”
“Yeah, but there was a bit of a mix-up last Halloween.”
“You’re impossible you know that.”
“But at least I’m interesting.”
Naboo walks away.
--x--
Having ran all the way from Camden Town tube Julian and Mike are flat out of breath when they arrive at the entrance to London Zoo. There’s a small queue but nothing significant to hold up their progress, nothing significant apart from…
“Shit.”
“What?”
“My wallet, I didn’t bring it. I’ve only got a handful of coins and my oyster. What you got?”
Mike pulls out his travel card holder and from it a twenty pound note.
“I just got this and a bit of change. How much is it?”
“Twenty something. Damn!”
Mike hands over all his money.
“It’s okay Ju, you go. It’s more important that you see him than me.”
“I can try and talk them into letting us both through.”
“No way, that’s well embarrassing. I’ll just wait out here somewhere. Let me know when you’ve found him though right. And come get me when you’re ready.”
“Here, have a couple quid back so you can at least get a drink.”
Julian starts to hand over some coins but then suddenly pulls Mike into a big bear hug.
“Please tell me he’s not ill or something Mike. I don’t think I could bear that.”
Mike’s voice is muffled somewhat as it tries to force itself past Julian’s broad chest.
“No he’s not ill. Be kind though won’t you? I know he’s mucked you about today and that it’s not the first time, but he does have his reasons. Cut him a bit of slack. What he’s got to tell you, well it won’t be easy for him to do so.”
Mike breaks free of Julian’s arms and walks away.
--x--
Howard had thought for sure that Vince would be in the keeper’s hut, but on arriving there it was clear not to be the case. It was covered in weeds and mildew and funny little grey mushrooms, and even a desperate Vince wouldn’t want his outfit to connect with that amount of filth. Plus half the roof had caved in and even though the rain had stopped there was no way Vince could have found any shelter there beforehand.
Having then stopped by Naboo’s old kiosk and Fossil’s office, and found both in similar states of disrepair, Howard pauses now outside of the jungle room. Surely Vince wouldn’t have gone in there would he? What about the underground labs? He stands there deliberating his next move when his ears suddenly pick up the faintest of noises. It wasn’t much of a noise as noises go. In actual fact it was little more than a soft ‘mascrooch-schmuszzzz’, but to Howard that sound meant only one thing. It was the sound of an zookeeper sweeping a cage.
Howard tiptoes away from the jungle room and towards the sound. His heart picks up it’s pace as he creeps forward, both the excitement of seeing Vince safe and the anxiety of what to say to him building within his chest with each considered step.
He finally rounds the corner and there Vince is. He’s sweeping the floor of Bollo’s old cage, talking softly to himself and completely unaware of his solo observer. Howard’s heartbeat stumbles upon the sight of him. He’s wearing his old keeper’s jacket, zipped up tight against the weather, along with his favourite old white cowboy boys. Howard’s chest swells.
Not wanting to startle Vince, but unsure how to go about not, Howard decides to take a directly indirect approach.
“When you’re done in there the ocelots need feeding.”
Vince, his back to Howard, visibly jumps at Howard’s voice, but he keeps on with the broom. Howard moves closer.
“And the terrapins haven’t had their weekly bath yet. You know how they get when they’ve not been pampered.”
Vince stops sweeping but he doesn’t turn around. Howard presses.
“Of course we could just go and grab a cuppa instead.”
Vince remains still but Howard can see his knuckles have whitened where he’s gripping the broom handle. A pang of guilt strikes Howard right in his midriff.
“I’m sorry Vince, really and truly sorry.”
Howard has reached the cage door but hesitates, unsure of whether to proceed any further. Vince’s silence is more worrying than anything. If there’s one thing Vince never is it’s quiet.
“What can I do to make it up to you?”
Vince slowly leans the broom against the back wall, smooths down his jacket and turns around. Howard’s heart leaps as he finally makes eye contact with his friend. Vince has clearly been crying at some point, his irises are soft red, his eye-makeup smudged, and there are the faint tracks of tears across his cheeks. But it’s not so much this knowledge that near breaks Howard’s heart, it’s the look of total resignation in the younger man’s posture. Howard can’t help himself. He rushes forward and pulls Vince into his arms.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Vince doesn’t respond immediately, in fact he stiffens from surprise. Gradually though he allows himself to relax into the embrace, closing his eyes and pressing his cheek against the rain sodden front of Howard’s corduroy jacket. Howard rests his chin on top of his little man’s head and hugs him tighter.
“Well this is a first.”
“What?”
“You hugging me like this. Normally it’s all ‘don’t touch me’ and ‘there has to be boundaries Vince!’”
“Yeah well, sometimes needs must.”
“Am I a need or a must?”
“You’re both.”
Vince smiles against Howard’s chest.
“I mean it though Vince, I am sorry. I don’t really think you’re a stupid good-for-nothing waste of my time. I was just angry about the laundry thing.”
“I did make a mess.”
“Yeah you did, but I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.”
“I’m sorry I ruined your socks.”
“I know.”
“And your pants.”
“Yep.”
“And your favourite roll neck.”
“Yeah well maybe tie-die will look okay with my burnished copper trousers.”
“And I’m sorry I’m thick and don’t know how things work properly, and that the fire-brigade had to be called and that the firechief thought the whip was yours.”
“It’s okay Vince, it’s all done with now. And you’re not thick.”
“I am though Howard ain’t I? You’re right, you have to do everything for me. I don’t even know how to eat properly without you.”
“You’re skilled in other things is all. No-one can pull shapes like you can, and no-one can plan parties as good as yours. And look how popular you are down The Onion. Folks adore you Vince. You may not be able to read washing-machine instructions, but you’re great at reading people.”
“I do pull a crowd don’t I?”
“Sure you do. You’re good at your things and I’m good at mine.”
“It’s not just that though Howard, it’s this too.”
“What?”
Vince pulls out of the hug and points to the broom.
“I miss the zoo. I miss the feeding and the sweeping. I miss seeing loads of different faces every day. I miss sleeping in the hut and hanging out with you on our bench and taking the piss out of Fossil and Bainbridge. I miss watching you running about trying to impress Mrs Gideon, and the porpoise racing and the smell of sawdust and hay. I miss chatting with the animals and giving them haircuts. I miss the adventures we had here Howard. I miss who we were back then. I miss the zoo.”
Vince stops and puts his face into his hands. Howard puts his arm across the smaller man’s shoulders.
“I miss it too Vince. Being a zoo-keeper was the only thing I’ve ever been good at.”
Vince lifts his head.
“You were great at it Howard.”
“Thanks. And so were you little man.”
“Do you ever think we’ll be great at something again?”
Howard shrugs.
“Who’s to say.”
“I’m bored Howard. We don’t do anything different anymore. Nothing exciting happens to us. Every day it’s just the shop and every night it’s Peacock Dreams or The Velvet Onion or your daft jazz nights. When was the last time we even saw a monster or a demon or a mutant? When was the last time we crimped or made the cover of a magazine? Even Naboo hardly comes out of his room anymore and I haven’t seen any of the other Shaman in years. What’s happened to us Howard? All we are doing is aging.”
Howard nods.
“You’re right. I’m pretty bored too, but at least we’re safe nowadays. Nothing’s tried to kill us or eat us or mate with us in ages.”
“Well I wish something would. What’s the point of me owning this bone structure and this hair if no-one gets to see it every week?”
Howard chuckles.
“Well I for one appreciate it Vince.”
Vince's eyes blaze like frozen fire.
“Really Howard?”
“Of course. Imagine how extra boring my life would be without you in it. It doesn’t bear thinking about. You add the golden glitter to my beige.”
“I thought you like beige.”
“Only when it projects warmth.”
Vince stands on tiptoes and places a light kiss on Howard’s cheek.
“You might be the uncoolist person I’ve ever met Howard, but you’re by far the most adorable.”
--x--
Julian had already walked twice past the giraffe enclosure and seen the same little girl with a pink balloon three times. He smiled as he remembered filming the scene with pink balloons in the Boosh, as he remembered Noel and Rich creeping up on him and popping one behind his back when the shoot was done, remembered Noel drawing his face on one and saying, “There, just in case we need a body-double for you ever.” Ju‘s smile saddened slightly. He missed those days so much.
Finally he found himself a map and a big arrow upon it pointing out ‘Gorilla Kingdom.’ An extra laminated notice had been stapled next to it. ‘Come and meet the Zoo’s very own little man.’
Julian felt his heart warm. Talk about literally being given a sign.
He finds his way with ease to Gorilla Kingdom, rounds the final corner and there Noel is, sitting cross-legged on a bench, head bent over what looks like a notebook. Ju hesitates before walking forward and sitting himself down next to him. Noel noticeably freezes before looking sideways at Julian through his dark fringe.
“Are you angry with me?”
“No...yes...well I was but not now. Now I’m just confused by all this. What’s going on?”
Noel pulls his fringe lower across his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been pretty crap to you lately haven’t I?”
“I don’t get why you can’t talk to me about whatever it is. You’ve obviously talked to Mike, why not me?”
Noel’s eyes widen.
“What did Mike say? Did he tell you?”
Julian’s very concerned expression is back.
“Christ Noel, no of course Mike didn’t tell me. Look what the hell is this all about? I’m not going anywhere til you explain all this to me ‘cos quite frankly you’re scaring me here.”
Noel turns on the bench to face Julian properly. He’s not absolutely sure but Ju thinks at some stage Noel might have been crying. His eye-make-up seems a little too smudgy, his eyes a little pinkish. It makes his chest feel funny again.
“Ju, you do wanna write Boosh with me again don’t you?”
Julian pauses before answering.
“Yes of course.”
Noel stares into Julian for a moment as if trying to critique or find fault with this response. It makes Julian feel slightly uncomfortable until he realises that what he’s seeing in his friend’s face is in actual fact pure fear.
He edges closer along the bench and puts his hand on Noel’s knee.
“You don’t doubt that do you? You don’t doubt my wanting to work with you again?”
Noel looks down at the hand. He runs his own fingertips gently across Julian’s knuckles and down his long fingers before looking back up.
“You could do just about anything Ju. You could be on the stage every night, in more films, directing, writing film scores or theme tunes.”
“Well I’ve done some of that haven’t I. What are you trying to say?”
Noel doesn’t answer. Ju gives his knee a pat.
“Come on mate, tell me.”
“How much new stuff have we written so far?”
Ju tots it all up in his head.
“Well I’d say we’ve a pretty decent idea for a film, quite a lot of random dialogue that could be used anywhere, some more dialogue that would be great for radio, a couple of songs. Umm what else? Oh yeah, you’ve them sketches of new character ideas.”
“So we’re definitely doing this then?”
“Noel why are you questioning my commitment?”
Noel takes a deep breath.
“It’s not your commitment I’m questioning, it’s mine.”
“Oh.”
Julian removes his hand from Noel’s leg. Noel instantly misses the connection, the weight and the warmth of it. He looks away, embarrassed and guilty. He chews at his bottom lip.
“I’ve been offered a job.”
Julian frowns.
“Really? Doing what?”
“Acting.”
“A film?”
“TV”
“Okay. But that doesn’t have to stop us writing does it? It didn’t stop you doing IT Crowd. Or we’ll just put Boosh on hold for a few weeks until you’re done. What is it, a six part series? An eight?”
Noel swallows.
“Ju, it’s an American show.”
…
“Filmed in America.”
…
“A lead part in a sitcom thing.”
…
“They want me to play a kooky Englishman, a kind of Basil Fawlty meets Drop Dead Fred.”
…
“Sixteen episodes a season. Already commissioned for two series.”
…
“They want me to help write it too, although of course there’s already about twenty writers.”
…
“Big name writers as well.”
...
“I wasn’t in the pilot but they don’t care. Seems I’m a little more popular in the States than I realised.”
…
“I didn’t go after this Julian, they came to me.”
…
“And I haven’t said yes yet.”
…
“I don’t know what to do.”
…
…
“It’s one hell of an opportunity Noel.”
“I know.”
“What does Lliana say?”
“That she’ll support me whatever I decide to do.”
“Would she move there with you?”
“Don’t know yet. Maybe.”
“Where?”
“LA.”
Julian smiles.
“You’d miss London.”
“Yeah I know.”
Julian sighs deeply and moves further up the bench, wraps his huge arms around Noel and hugs him close, his fingers disappearing into the furry softness of Noel’s Elmo coat.
“You could have told me earlier. You didn’t need to bottle this up.”
Noel hugs Julian back with vigor, his face buried into Julian’s neck.
“I know, but I couldn’t find the words.”
“I don’t believe Noel Fielding is ever lost for words.”
Noel chuckles and gives Julian a quick kiss below his ear.
“I fucking love you Ju.”
“I know you do.”
They hug each other tighter.
“Noel look.”
“What?”
Inside the gorilla cage a large ape emerges from a doorway cradling in its arms a tiny infant. The ape stops and looks across at its human cousins cuddling on the bench, then holds the baby up as if to show them, as if to say ‘look, I’ve got something cute and furry to cuddle too’.
Both men laugh.
“Fuck me that’s adorable.”
“You should enter the baby naming competition.”
“Although I don’t think I could come up with anything but Bollo.”
“Haha yeah, or Chiko.”
“Chiko crazy.”
“He dangerous!”
Both men laugh again and let each other go.
“You know Noel if you do take the job we can still try writing together. We could fly back and forth a bit. And with computers it’s not as hard as it used to be. We could faceplant every night.”
“Faceplant?”
“Yeah, you know, on our phones.”
“You mean facetime.”
“Do I?”
“Yes Ju, god you’re hopeless.”
“Hey don’t pretend you’re all down with the kids. I’ve seen you shaking calculators trying to work out where the numbers live.”
“Hah!”
…
...
“I don’t know if I can write with you without actually being with you.”
“I don’t know either Noel.”
…
“When do you need to give them your answer by?”
“Couple of weeks.”
Julian stands up and put his hand out, wriggling his fingers for Noel to take it.
“Come on then you. Not only is your poor brother waiting outside somewhere to be retrieved, if we’ve only got a couple of weeks we better get a move on with this writing nonsense.”
“I still don’t know what I’m gonna tell them.”
Julian wiggles his fingers again and Noel interlaces his own digits between them as he rises from the bench.
“No pressure okay Noel. We’ve two weeks to see what happens. Two weeks where we make sure we have no distractions. Two weeks of undisturbed unadulterated Booshiness. And by the end of that two weeks I reckon we’ll know one way or the other whether we still got what it takes, and you’ll be able to decide about this job.”
Noel smiles and squeezes Ju’s hand.
“You’re incredible you know that.”
Ju smiles back.
“You damn well better believe it! And you’re not so bad yourself.”
“Cheers Ju.”
“But just you always remember who the real talent in this relationship is okay.”
“Shit off! I’m the one being headhunted.”
“Who’d want your head? It’s all pointy and weird.”
“How dare you. People covet my head. My head’s won awards.”
“What awards?”
“The National Nose of North London Award.”
“It never did.”
“Did too.”
...
..
.
--x--
“Promise me though Vince you’ll never leave me like this again.”
“I won’t Howard, but you gotta promise never to leave me either. I’m not much good on me own.”
“Deal.”
“Deal.”
Howard takes Vince’s smaller hand into his own.
“C’mon then, let’s go back to Nabootique. I know it might not seem like it now, but I reckon our future’s looking brighter already. Something tells me we’ve still an adventure or two to go on.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes, I really do. I believe that somewhere out there a couple of master craftsmen are still mapping out our story. I believe that given the right opportunities, the right motivation, heck the right amount of love and trust and mutual affection, that something truly wonderful is still destined to happen to us. You mark my words mister, this world has not yet seen the final antics of Vince Noir and Howard TJ Moon.”
(happy ENDings) xx