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“I don’t know, sweetie. I mean, I like them, but they are expensive… and we’re already over budget.”
“… yeah, I know, but these are the only ones I really like.”
“Well, what about the Ritva? They’re light filtering curtains, and they’re only $35.”
“Eeeehhhh, I would really rather have blinds than curtains. Curtains have that annoying gap.”
“True. The Ringblomma is only $35 as well but I don’t really like the look of that one. Oh… and it’s the wrong size. Ugh!”
“Oh… what about the Fridans? That looks nice!”
“Um… Fridans is a blackout curtain. I don’t think we’d want a blackout curtain in our living room.”
“Oh, yeah. Darn. Ugh… but I don’t see anything else that I like right now! And I’m… I’m just done for the day. I’m sick of shopping and my brain just doesn’t want to make any more decisions today.”
“I hear you. I’m starting to get a headache. Tell you what… we have most of what we need for our new living room. Let’s just keep the old curtains for now, we’ll keep looking in other stores or online, and if we don’t find something we like, we’ll just wait and save up some money to buy the Praktlysing.”
“You’re a genius. I could kiss you. I’m gonna do it. *Mwah* Oh no! My syrup!”
“… aaaannnnddd this is why I wanted to pick up the syrup after we did the furniture shopping!”
“It’s smashed!”
“Cleanup in aisle… what aisle are we in? I always get lost in here!”
“My poor Ligonberry syrup.”
“Looks like someone got murdered here.”
“Yeah… hey, it’s weird how it splattered. Looks like an evil goat head…”
“Okay, we’ll go find someone to clean this up, but before we get even more distracted, let me just read what we’ve written down to make sure it’s right…”
“Alright. Shoot. What have we picked out so far?”
“Full disclaimer: I am not going to be pronouncing these correctly.”
“That’s why I’m not reading the list.”
“Idanäs, Idanäs, Hektogram, Remsta, Fridhult, Remsta, Kustfly, Sanela, Idanäs, Brönden.”
“What?!” The young couple jumped out of their skins at the sound of an unfamiliar, and very peevish, voice. The taller one, who happened to be a police officer, spun around and faced the stranger, putting themself between their partner and potential danger. The officer stared into a pair of dark sunglasses and then swiftly sized up the man who’d seemed to materialize out of thin air.
Was this guy sneaking up on us as we were talking? What the hell does he want? Years of observational training kicked in as the police officer’s eyes flicked over the lean figure. Black clothes. About 6 feet, slender build, age… late 40s early 50s. Red hair… is that a natural colour? Wish I could tell what his eye colour was…
The stranger spread his hands and splayed out his fingers in a helpless gesture. “What. Do. You. Want. And why did you bring me…” he looked around, stepping in a small circle to take in his surroundings. “Are we in a store?”
The smaller of the pair finally spoke up in smooth and calming voice. “Yes, sir, we’re in a store. Sir… are you okay? Do you need some sort of assistance?”
“Assistance?” the stranger scoffed. “Look, what are you playing at? You called me!”
The couple looked at each other in confusion.
“With that!” the odd man clarified, gesturing sharply towards the spilled syrup as if it would explain everything. “I mean, cheers for being creative and not using blood. Most people don’t understand that Hell doesn’t really require blood… it’s more the colour of the thing that matters. What is that, anyways.”
“Um… it’s Ligonberry syrup,” the smaller person replied meekly. “We… we accidentally dropped the bottle, and it spilled. I’m sorry if it bothers you. We were just going to find someone to clean it up.”
“Ligonberry… ah, are you kidding… are we in a bloody Ikea?!” the stranger growled in a tone that caused the police officer to stiffen and widen their stance. “Were you trying to summon me or were you just reading your shopping list?!”
“Summon? We weren’t trying to summon anyone…”
The police officer decided to step in. “Look, sir, we’re just shopping here. We don’t want trouble, so if we can’t help you then we’ll just be on our way.”
“Don’t want trouble… you have no idea how lucky you are that I’m the one who happened to be on call today. Yeah. Fine. No trouble. Have fun Ikea-ing. Bye.” The man spun on his heel and snapped his fingers sharply before walking away.
Well, not walking really so much as… swaggering? Sashaying? Sauntering? Whatever it was, the mysterious man didn’t walk. The couple glanced at each other uncertainly as the man muttered to himself, his voice getting fainter as he moved away from them. “Wow… imagine if Ligur or Hastur had been on call today. That bastard Hastur would have probably burned the store to the ground… bloody drama queen…”
“Well… that was weird. I was worried there. I wonder if that guy’s okay.”
“Who knows. Maybe he was just messing with us. But he’s gone now, so let’s go find someone to clean up the syrup I spilled and then we’ll…”
“Sweetie? The syrup spill… it’s not there anymore.”
“Huh. Maybe… maybe someone came by and cleaned it up quickly while that guy was ranting at us.”
“Maybe… but… well, that’s kind of scary, too. Some weird guy totally snuck up behind us, and then while we’re trying to talk him down, somebody else snuck up beside us and mopped up this mess without us even noticing! Like… is something wrong with us that we’re not noticing these things or is Ikea full of ninjas today?”
“Mop ninja… sounds like a fancy, high-tech device. Like a Roomba, except silent and deadly. And the other guy was a… wait, he said something about summoning him. Do you think he was a demon?”
“Or maybe being in Ikea is just driving people crazy. You’re certainly sounding crazy. Let’s… let’s just go get our things and pay for them.”
“No, wait, I want to try something. Hand me that list… I’m going to read it again. Okay, I know that face. It’s your ‘I’m tired and stressed and please let’s just go or so help me’ face. Okay. We’ll go.”
“I am destroying this list after we’ve bought what we need.”
“But we can’t forget the Praktlysing!”
“The Praktlysing isn’t on this list. I am taking a new sheet of paper and writing Praktlysing on it and destroying this list!”
“I won’t argue or point out how you’re being paranoid because I love you.”
“Mmm… I love you, too. But, you know, saying ‘I won’t point out your paranoia’ just defeats the purpose.”
“Just focus on the ‘I love you’ part of what I said. Now let’s get the Hell out of here before Satan shows up!”
“That’s not funny!”
This bit of pure crack is inspired by this picture:
