Archive of Our Own

Felix put on Chan’s latest birthday live without really thinking about it.

He was getting dressed for a little get together him, Seungmin, Jeongin, and Jisung were having in their apartment. A maknae party as Jisung had dubbed it. They had just gotten back home from the Australia leg of their tour and had a few days of downtime before heading out to Taiwan and Japan; not that it was much of a break since they were busy with a million other side projects.

Coming back after a tour was always a challenge, but coming back to Korea after being back home for a week was especially hard. Seoul had become as much of a home as Sydney had over the years, but he missed his family and the sights and tastes of his childhood something fierce.

It was one of the reasons why Felix pulled up the video of Chan’s live to play as he got ready. The familiar accent was exactly what he needed at the moment and even though playing a video of one of his bandmates talking for hours was a little embarrassing, it was much less embarrassing than the thought of having to call Chan up and explain that he just wanted to hear his voice.

Felix almost zoned out as the video played on. He had heard it before when it first came out, so there wasn’t a need to pay close attention. Just having it on was comforting enough. He pulled his hair up into a bun at the top of his head and tried not to notice the damaged ends. He was contemplating when he would have time to visit a salon to touch up his roots between their next shows when a certain part of Chan’s live caught his attention.

“Since Red Lights won, release Red Lights 2, please”

“Red Lights 2? There is a Red Lights 2. We have it, but since we have plans, we don’t know when it will be released”

Felix’s hands fell from the top of his head as he grabbed his phone to rewind that part and listen to it again.

Red Lights 2.

Felix felt that familiar sinking feeling in his stomach. The same one he got whenever he listened to the original Red Lights or Drive. That feeling that Chan somehow wanted to make a sexy song with Minho. Wanted to make a sexy song with Hyunjin so much that he made two of them. That he had sought out two members of danceracha to sing those kind of songs with and even filmed music videos with them. That in Chan’s head Minho and Hyunjin were sexy and could sing sexy songs.

And Felix was just there. Little, cute sunshine Felix. Unfuckable Felix.

It was enough to make him want to throw up.

Felix knew that he had a crush on Chan. Well, it had started as a crush 7 years ago when they had first met—when Chan was still the curly, blonde haired 19 year old who Felix thought was the hottest person he had ever seen. His 16 year old little Australian heart hadn’t been able to handle suddenly being surrounded by all sorts of model looking celebrities, and Bang Chan was the most model looking of them all in his eyes. The fact that he was also so nice to him and took him under his wing when no one else did didn’t help with that puppy crush.

That crush had only grown into something larger and more rabid as the years went by. Sometimes Felix felt faint just looking at Chan. He felt sick with how much he wanted the older boy….and how that boy just saw him as a little kid.

Felix huffed and looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t looking his all time best; his hair was a little frizzy and his eyebags were a bit concerning. But he didn’t think he looked bad. In fact, a lot of people always said he looked pretty good. Their staff always told him about the relatives who asked to set them up with him; so that meant that there were at least a few people out there that wanted to date him.

So why didn’t Chan?

He shook his head, mind dark with thoughts as he walked out of his room and into the living room. Jeongin was already there and he was sitting on the sofa, setting up the playstation. Seungmin was bringing in bowls to fill up with snacks. It had been a while since they had a proper hangout and all of them had been looking forward to it. Felix had even baked again, a tray of brownies cooling on their kitchen counter.

He looked at Seungmin and Jeongin and frowned.

“Do you guys think I’m sexy?”

Jeongin dropped the playstation remote onto the sofa and looked at Felix with his mouth wide open. “What did Seungmin tell you??”

“What?”

“Uh, nothing” Jeongin said, turning a deep shade of red. “Why are you asking, hyung?”

“Did someone say something to you?” Seungmin questioned, looking a little upset. “Our managers told us to stop reading twitter comments"

“No, I was just thinking that maybe some people don’t find me attractive?”

“Are those people blind?” Jeongin asked

“…no?”

“They might be blind if they’re saying you’re ugly”

“No one is saying I’m ugly!” Felix said quickly “It’s just…some people might not find me as attractive or as, I don’t know…dateable?”

“No way, hyung!” Jeongin said, quickly ignoring the smirk that Seungmin was sending his way “I mean, I’m sure plenty of people would love to date you. If you asked on your bubble, you’d probably never stop getting requests”

“But I’m not as dateable as Hyunjin and Minho hyung” Felix sulked.

“Hyunjin and Minho hyung?” Seungmin asked, confused. “Why those two?”

Before Felix had a chance to answer, the keypad sounded and a few seconds later, Jisung slammed the door open. He was carrying a family size bag of chips in one hand and a portable speaker playing some weird, synth-heavy EDM beat in the other.

“Maknae party! Maknae party!” He chanted as he came inside, bobbing his head to the beat. He looked up and saw Jeongin and Seungmin looking at Felix with worried expressions. He immediately dropped the bag of chips and ran over, eyes wide.

“Okay, what happened? Who do I need to beat up?”

“Are you actually capable of beating up anyone?” Seungmin asked, eyebrows raised.

“Okay, who do I need to mentally beat up while I physically cry in front of them so much that it makes them uncomfortable and they go away?”

“No one, Hannie” Felix said with a little laugh.

“Yongbok hyung was just telling us that some people don’t find him dateable” Jeongin added in.

“Felix, you have to be joking” Jisung said, aghast “You…you’re Felix…everybody loves you”

Felix stared at the ground intensely “No they don’t”

“Of course they do! You go viral for doing literally anything. I saw a video of you walking with four million views. And it’s not just random people who like you. Even with the members, you’re…I mean, you’re you. All of know about Innie’s embarrassingly huge crush on you…”

“What the hell, hyung!”

“And you’re Seungmin’s best friend” Jisung continued as though the maknae wasn’t currently trying to kill him “Changbin hyung thinks everything you do is adorable, you’re literally Minho hyung’s kitten, you’re the only person Hyunjin or I call an angel and Chan hyung…”

Felix looked up with wide eyes.

“Well we all know what he’s like” Jisung said, flippantly. Felix’s stomach sank. What did that mean? Could Jisung not even think of one thing that Chan liked about him? Chan had always talked to Felix about his problems before anyone else, but that had lessened over the years. Plus, Jisung and Changbin were the ones who spent the most time with Chan. Maybe the leader had confided in them that Felix annoyed him or was a baby or…

“Yeah, Yongbok” Seungmin said, pulling Felix out of his spiraling thoughts “you don’t have to be jealous of anyone”

“I’m not jealous” Felix said with a sigh “I just wish…I mean, I know you guys love me and all, but you don’t think I’m sexy, do you?”

“Do I really need to be here for this conversation?” Jeongin asked, sounding like he was in pain.

“You’re like the best looking person I have ever seen” Jisung laughed.

“Okay, but would you consider me to be sexy?” Felix pressed. He turned to Seungmin, the one person he knew would alway be completely honest with him “Like do you ever see me and think ‘wow, he’s a sexy guy’?”

“Not really” Seungmin said with a frown “You’re more like a fairy or an elf or something…you know, fairytale pretty”

“I don’t want to be pretty!” Felix huffed. Pretty was nice, but it wasn’t enough. Pretty things were meant to be put on a shelf and admired from afar. Pretty wasn’t taken seriously. No one wanted to have sex with pretty. “I look at Minho hyung and Hyujin and they’re sexy and I’m just…I’m not like that”

“Is that what this is about?” Jisung asked “Are you worried that people want danceracha to be sexy?”

Felix could roll with that. “Yeah! I mean, people expect a dance line to be sexy, right? Who wants to see a fairy hip thrusting?”

“Which of our song choreographies have hip thrusts?” Jeongin asked.

“Taste has a few” Seungmin answered.

“Felix, you don’t have to be sexy!” Jisung said, patting his twin’s shoulders “The cool thing about you guys is that all three of you have different styles of dancing. Hyunjin and Minho might be more the hip thrust style, but none of them have footwork like yours. Or are able to do those really cool spinning kicks”

Felix appreciated the sentiment, but it still killed him a little inside. He didn’t want to be known as the guy with the good footwork or cool kicks. Those were both fine things, but neither of them would make Chan want to push him up against a wall and kiss him. They wouldn’t make Chan look at him like someone he could date.

“Plus, it’s better to look like a fantasy character than to be sexy” Jisung continued “I mean, you look like you came out of an anime. How much cooler can that be?”

“Thanks” Felix said with a laugh. He really did appreciate his friends trying to lift up his spirits but he also wanted to drop the conversation. He had already gotten his answer. It hadn’t been the one he wanted, but it was exactly what he expected.

He wasn’t sexy. If none of his other bandmates thought so, there was no way that someone like Chan—so effortlessly cool and hot—would.

So he just pushed all his thoughts to the back of his mind and put on his usual sunshine smile and went through the maknae party pretending everything was okay. He beat everyone in a few rounds of tekken and ignored all the LOL jokes that Jisung threw his way. He fed them homemade brownies and laughed and acted like it was all fine.

It was only when everything wound down and Jisung and Jeongin had left to go back to their own apartments did Seungmin confront Felix. 

Seungmin turned to his roommate with a frown. “Okay, so what was that really about?”

“What?” Felix asked, a bowl of chips in his hand—halfway to the kitchen.

“That conversation about you being sexy. I know that had to come from somewhere and don’t give me the excuse that you want to be more sexy for our choreos, that’s not going to work on me”

Felix huffed. “What’s wrong with wanting to dance sexier?”

“For who?” Seungmin demanded “You literally pretended to be a kitten over Bubble, so I know you don’t care if STAYs think you’re more cute than sexy. And you never seemed to care with us, either. So who else are you trying to impress?”

Felix put the bowl down on a side table and sighed. “Why do you think I’m trying to impress someone in particular”

“Because you’re my best friend, Yongbok” Seungmin said “And I know when something is bothering you. Is there….a person that you’re worried doesn’t think you’re sexy?”

“No one does!” Felix pouted “Everyone thinks I’m just a cute little elf fairy kitten thing and they don’t think I can have sex or date or see me like a romantic prospect. They just see me like a little brother who can only write songs about nature and Marvel movies and won’t even do a duet or film a music video with me!”

“Okay woah” Seungmin said. He walked over and grabbed Felix’s shoulder before leading them both back to the sofa. “There is a lot in there that we need to unpack”

“We don’t need to unpack anything” Felix moaned “You and Han said it. I’m undateable and unsexy!”

“I don’t think either of us said any of those words” Seungmin interjected. His eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was pulled into a frown.

“You didn’t need to”

“You were talking about writing songs and filming MVs” Seungmin said, pausing a little. He looked at Felix with a contemplative look. “Is it…”

"Is it?"

"The person you want to be sexy for. It is..."

Felix shook his head and got off the sofa. He knew Seungmin knew but he didn't want to sit around and listen to him say it out loud. To verbalize the fact that Felix had an abvious crush on their leader and that their leader didn't see him like that at all.  “I really don’t want to talk about it now, Minnie”

“You should” Seungmin said “Or else it’s just going to keep bothering you and you’ll drive yourself insane. Just like you did when Red Lights came out”

Felix shuddered, wanting to forget what he had been like back then. Seungmin had witnessed it all first hand.

“I’ll get over it” Felix said. He turned to walk back to his room. He would get over it. He had gotten over it back then and he would get over it again. He just had to accept the fact that he wasn’t sexy and make his peace with it.

But that was easier said than done…

By the time practice had rolled around the next day, Felix was sleep deprived and, like Seungmin had predicted, half insane. He had been up all night thinking about it. It seemed like years of repressing his feelings had come to a head now and his body just wasn’t able to keep to together anymore. It wanted answers.

Felix didn’t really need to know how the first Red Lights came to be. He had seen Chan and Hyunjin’s Howl in Harmony episodes too many times to be sane about it; so much so that after his 20th or 30th rewatch, Seungmin had subtly passed him an empty diary and just said ‘It seems like you have a lot on your mind these days, might be good to write things down’

Seungmin liked writing in diaries. As it turned out, Felix didn’t really like writing in diaries. Because that strangely strawberry scented My Melody diary with the little pink lock remained empty besides one page where Felix, in a state of mania, had written in big block letters:

WAS THERE ACTUALLY A CENTIPEDE ON CHRIS’ BACK OR DID HYUNJIN JUST WANT TO TOUCH HIM????

A couple of months later, he came across that page and added a shameful “LOL” to the end of that insane thought out of embarrassment.

So he really didn’t need, or want, to revisit the creation of Red Lights. He could talk to Minho about the creation of Drive, but he was a little intimidated to. He knew Minho had a soft spot for him and would indulge all of his questions, but Minho was also extremely perceptive. It wouldn’t take much for him to realize where the line of questioning was going and he would personally march up to Chan himself and demand he make a sexy song with Felix.

Which was nice, but also something that would make Felix want to jump off of the JYP building.

So Hyunjin it would be. Hyunjin was the perfect mix of indulgent and clueless. The perfect target.

They had just finished up dance practice and Hyunjin was practicing the last steps again in the corner. Felix draped his towel over his neck and started to walk over.

“You staying longer, Lix?” Chan asked as he passed by. Felix tried not to look at how the sweat had collected in the divot of his neck.

“Yeah, got some details to work on. I was going to ask Hyunjin to go over them with me”

Chan frowned “Okay, but don’t do too much. Your back has been acting up lately, yeah?”

Felix nodded. It felt good to know Chan cared but at the same time he wondered if the leader saw him as a child. He never reminded the others to take care of their bodies or drink water or take a break, even when they were more injured than Felix. Did he think Felix needed to be babied?

He had dressed up a little today. It wasn’t anything crazy—all of them had been naked in front of each other at some point or another due to backstage outfit changes and living together with only two bathrooms for years, so there wasn’t much left to be seen. But he had put on a pair of shorts that clung a little too tightly and a shirt that rode up any time he lifted his arms, giving a peak of the abs he had been working hard to get for the past few months. He had even put on some eyeliner and took a bath with the body scrub that he knew Chan loved the smell of.

All of that and all Chan cared about was his back.

Maybe it really was hopeless.

“Do you want to go to your PT instead, Yongboks?” Minho asked as he sauntered up to them. “It might be better than staying to practice more”

“I’m not going to stay that much longer, hyung” Felix pouted. Just what he needed…another member to treat him like a child in front of Chan.

“Fine” Minho drawled “But, if you ask me, you don’t need more practice. You hit all your counts perfectly today”

“Yah, were you watching me practice?” Felix joked, not really expecting Minho to say yes. They were past the point where they needed to monitor each other. They had done so many concerts, these practices were just to make sure they had the timing and setlist order down.

“Yes” Minho said seriously “You did really well today, Yongbok-ah”

“Uh…thanks?” Felix said. Minho wasn’t a harsh observer, but he also wasn’t exactly overflowing with praise either—especially when it wasn’t earned. This had just been an average run of the mill concert practice, Felix didn’t think he had really done anything exceptionally well or even differently than normal.

“Han told me” Minho continued “He came back worried after the maknae party. He said you were crying”

“You were crying!?” Chan gasped.

“I wasn’t crying. Han is a liar!” Felix seethed. Sure he had been mopey but he hadn’t cried! This was already a conversation he really didn’t want to be having in front of Chan, he didn’t need to add any more blows to his ego on top of it. He needed Chan to see him as an attractive sexy guy, not the usually crybaby Felix.

“Jeongin didn’t tell me you were crying” Chan muttered to himself, ignoring Felix sputtering next to him. His brows were furrowed and he looked like he was two seconds from marching out of the practice room and scolding the maknae.

“Han said that you were worried about your dancing” Minho pressed “because you danced differently than Hyunjin and me. I just wanted to make sure you knew that your style of dancing was more than good enough”

“I wasn’t that worried” Felix mumbled “it was just something I think about sometimes. That my dancing isn’t se…isn’t uh, as good looking as both of yours”

“What?” Chan breathed out “Lix! Do you really worry about that? Why?”

Because obviously my dancing isn’t sexy or else you’d ask me to write a sexy song with you like you did with the rest of danceracha “Uh, I just saw some comments online” Felix improvised quickly. He saw Chan’s face twist up in disgust.

“Don’t ever listen to those comments online, Lix. You know they’re all jobless people just saying shit for no reason”

“Let’s not talk about our fans that way” Minho laughed.

“They’re not our fans if they’re saying lies about Felix!”

“They’re not lies, hyung” Felix pouted.

“Of course they are! No way that anybody with a brain could look at you dancing and say that it doesn’t look good. That’s like somebody saying you have a bad voice or aren’t the best looking member or have the best personality in Stray Kids. Dumb things like that” Chan ranted “You can listen to me, Lix. I don’t lie to you, you’re one of the best dancers in JYP!”

A little balloon of hope started to swell in Felix’s chest. Chan had said some…interesting things in that rant. Best looking? Best personality?? That had to mean something, right?

“Ah, this is my cue to leave” Minho said, ducking away “Hyung is going on his weird Felix tangent again. Just don’t stay and practice for too long, okay, Yongbok-ah? You really don’t need it”

“Okay, hyung” Felix answered, still feeling a bit breathless.

As Minho walked away, Chan glanced at Felix with a worried expression. “He’s right, Lix. You really don’t need the extra practice. Your dancing is more than good enough.”

“I’m just going to go over a few steps with Hyunjin. It’s really nothing big. But thank you for caring about me, hyung”

“Of course. I always got to look out for my Aussie bro”

And there it went. That hopeful balloon popped before it had even blown up fully. Aussie bro. Of fucking course. He just gave Chan a weak smile as he walked to Hyunjin. He wondered if there was even a point in asking him anything. Even though he has said some pretty nice things about him, Chan was so obviously not into him the way he wanted him to be and it would only embarrass him more to have another member know about his unrequited crush.

But the nagging part of him just needed to know. Even if it would just make him feel worse in the end, he needed to know what Chan saw in Hyunjin that he couldn’t see in Felix.

Sure, Hyunjin was gorgeous. Felix looked at him dancing and saw nothing but elegance in his lines. He wasn’t much older than Felix, but he also did look more mature. Felix compared both of their faces in the mirror and wanted to sigh. Hyunjin was beautiful in a dangerous, siren-like way. And Felix just felt like a kid next to him.

Hyunjin caught his eye in the mirror and turned to him with a smile.

“Yongboks!” He cried happily “You aren’t headed home yet?”

“Wanted to get some extra practice in”

“With what?” Hyunjin asked “You nailed all your parts during practice! Is there something in particular you wanted to go over again? I’ll do it with you”

And that was the worst part of it all. Hyunjin wasn't just sexy, he was so nice on top of it. Felix wanted to be jealous of him, but he couldn’t. He saw in the mirror that the rest of the boys had already left the practice room.

Sighing, Felix looked down at his feet.

“Actually, can I talk to you about something, Hyunjin-ah?”

Hyunjin immediately nodded and turned the music off without any hesitation. He came up to Felix and held onto his hands, looking at him with a frown.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to ask you something”

Hyunjin nodded again, encouraging Felix to continue on.

“I heard Channie hyung talking in his last birthday live” Felix said, hesitating a little “He mentioned that you guys had written Red Lights 2 already”

“I guess?” Hyunjin said, frowning as he thought back “We sort of recorded a guide that was a bit like Red Lights. Not the same topic, but kind of the same vibe, you know? That slow, sexy feel. But that was a while ago, when we still lived in the same dorm”

“How did you get him to make a song like that with you?”

“What?” Hyunjin asked.

“A song like Red Lights. I…uh…I like songs with that kind of feel” Felix said, improvising off the top of his head. “I wanted to make one like that too but I just…I don’t know. How did you and Chan hyung do it?”

Hyunjin shrugged “Well, you know how the first one went. We got paired up for the Song Camp and hyung had the music for it already so we just came up with the lyrics and shot the video. I mean, I don’t think either of us went into it thinking it was going to be that sexy but the director just sort of went crazy with it”

“And the second one?” Felix pressed.

“I heard another beat on Chan’s laptop that I thought was really cool and sexy so I wrote some lyrics for it and showed hyung and he really liked them so we wrote the rest of it together” Hyunjin answered without any hesitation.

Felix frowned. It was that easy? Hyunjin just came up to him with a sexy song idea and Chan immediately went with it? Felix had gone up to Chan once before with some lyrics. They hadn’t even been all that sexy, more just about the thrill of getting into a relationship. He had called the song Endless Love and he had actually been pretty proud of it. Chan had looked at it, turned bright red, and told Felix that he would work on it more and get back to him. He never had…

“But why are you wanting to do a song like Red Lights anyways, Yongbok-ah?” Hyunjin asked sunnily “It doesn’t fit you at all!”

Felix felt his stomach sink more. “Ah, really?”

“Yeah, you’re the angel of the group and you always have such deep thoughts. I think you’re perfect for the more emotional songs. Our Yongboks doesn’t do sexy songs like that. Even though I know Channie hyung thinks your voice would suit it”

That perked Felix up. “He does?”

“Yeah. I mean, you should have seen him lose his mind listening to the raw vocals for Charmer and the eight member Red Lights. Whenever your part came up he was always like ‘wahhhhh’ and ‘ohhhh Feeeeelix’” Hyunjin imitated.

Felix blushed a little “Maybe Red Lights wouldn't suit me, but he never seems to want to write more romantic songs with me either. I’ve been wanting to make one for awhile, but Channie hyung doesn’t really seem interested in it. Maybe he thinks I’m more suited for other things”

“I don’t know” Hyunjin mused “He did mention he wanted to write a love song with you before, right? When we shot that 2 Kids Song show.”

Felix’s eyes grew wide. That was true! Chan had asked him if had wanted to do a love song. But Felix had been younger and less used to hiding his feelings and just being in the same room alone as Chan had already been too much for his frazzled 19 year old nerves. Chan had kept complimenting him and it had made his mind turn to mush. No way would he had survived doing a love song with Chan then.

“Maybe he thinks you’re not interested in doing those type of songs because of that” Hyunjin assessed. “You know you have to be pretty straightforward with hyung to get him to notice anything”

“Yeah, you’re right” Felix said. That could be it! Maybe Chan never asked him to do a song like that because Felix had rejected the idea years ago.

“You should talk to hyung about it” Hyunjin encouraged “If our Yongbok wants to write a romantic song, then of course you should be able to do it! Channie hyung will let you do whatever you want as long as you tell him. He always does”

“I don’t know…”

“Trust me” Hyunjin said with an indulgent smile “Channie hyung will do anything for you. All you need to do is go and talk to him.”

And, looking at the taller dancer smiling down at him, Felix felt like maybe he was right...

...Which is how he found himself standing in front of 3racha’s studio in the JYP building an hour later. He had showered and changed clothes after practice, taking time to blow dry and style his hair a little. He had to at least look semi-good if he was going to confront Chan with questions about why he didn’t think he was sexy or ask him to make a Red Lights song with him.

Felix cracked the door open and peaked inside. All of 3racha were sitting in the studio. Changbin was tinkering with something on Cubase while Chan was pointing his finger angrily at Jisung for some reason.

Felix frowned. He had really hoped that Chan would have been by himself. He didn’t exactly want to have this conversation in front of Jisung and Changbin, but he knew that if he walked away now he would never be able to bring himself to talking about it again.

“Hyung, you don’t care when any of us are crying” Jisung whined. “Plus he wasn’t actually crying. He was just upset”

Felix froze. Were they talking about him?

“Why didn’t you tell me he was upset then?!”

“You want me to tell you when any of us is upset? I’d be texting you every time I watch Grave of Fireflies then!”

“Not everybody! You know he doesn’t get upset that often and I need to know when he is. Was he just sad all night by himself? Without me knowing?”

“He wasn’t alone, Seungmin was with him!”

“It’s not the same!”

“Hannie, drop it. You know you’re not going to convince him of anything when it comes to Yongbok-ah” Changbin interjected with a sigh “And Channie hyung, I need you to look at this. I think the system is down again”

Chan frowned at Jisung “This isn’t over, Han” he said as he turned to grab the mouse from Changbin and tinker with something on the screen in front of them.

Han grumbled and huffed fa little before turning to the midi keyboard and starting to tap something on it. The tense atmosphere of the studio disappeared after a few seconds.

Felix had heard about the infamous 3racha fights, the ones that burned with intensity and then just fizzled away after a few seconds. He just never thought he would witness one that seemed to be about him. After seeing what he just did, he felt almost stupid thinking about walking into the studio to confront Chan, but he knew he needed to. This nagging feeling had been driving him crazy and he couldn't afford another sleepless night. Whatever the answer would be, he still needed to hear it. 

So he just inhaled deeply, threw a prayer out into the universe, and opened the studio door wide open, stepping inside noisily to alert the three members that he was there.

All of them looked up in surprise to see him come in.

“Yongbok!” Changbin cried happily “You came to the studio!”

“Chris” Felix said as he walked in, ignoring Changbin’s greeting. Changbin looked almost offended. Felix never ignored him.

“Lix?

“Chris, do you think I’m not sexy?”

“What??”

Changbin and Jisung gasped at the sudden question and Chan looked like his mind was currently about to explode out his head.

“Felix, what are you doing here?” Chan asked, ears a bright red that was slowly spreading down his neck.

“You didn’t answer my question” Felix pressed.

Jisung looked between Felix and Chan, an expression of understanding spreading on his face. “Oh my god! This is what yesterday was about? I actually thought you were upset about your dancing”

Felt frowned and kicked out at the chair Jisung was sitting in. Changbin looked on in confusion. Luckily Chan seemed to be so lost in his own embarrassment and woe that he wasn’t paying attention to anything going on in front of him. He was just staring down at his lap as he became progressively more and more red.

“Where is this coming from, Lix?” the leader asked. 

“Do you think I’m a child?”

“No!” Chan said quickly at the same time as Changbin said “I really hope not”

“Then why won’t you write a song with me?” Felix asked. He knew he sounded ridiculous, but he felt like he was about to cry.

“I’ve written loads of songs with you!” Chan said, confused. “We just had Runners on the last album”

“I mean a sexy song. Or a romantic song” Felix pressed. “You did Drive with Minho hyung and you’ve done two Red Lights with Hyunjin. That’s two members of danceracha, but you’ve never…asked me…”

Chan’s face was pinched. He looked like he had just been asked to do the Icky challenge butt naked and upload it onto his perfectly curated instagram. Jisung looked on like it was the greatest day of his life. Felix already knew that Minho would be getting the best gossip in the world tonight.

“And I thought maybe it was because I was younger, but Hyunjin is only a few months older than me so that can’t be it. And then I thought it was because I wasn’t that good at composing, but Minho hyung doesn’t compose much at all so that isn’t it either”

"You're great at composing!" Chan croaked out, still so protective over Felix's feelings even when it looked like it was painful for him to talk. 

“You thought a lot about this, huh, Yongbok-ah?” Changbin said, sounding choked.

Felix ignored them both and continued on. 

“So is it because you think I can’t be sexy?” Felix asked, voice tentative and afraid. Chan looked like he wanted to be doing anything besides having this conversation.

It was stupid—he was the one that came in here demanding answers but at the same time, he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want confirmation that Chan would never see him as anything but his little Aussie bro. Maybe it would be better to just walk out and not hear the answer; but that would just make him look more insane. Him barging in to ask questions and then leaving before Chan could answer.

“Felix…” Chan started and then stopped, voice sounding strangled.

Felix felt like he wanted to cry. Why did he let Hyunjin talk him into this?

“It’s okay, hyung, I get it” he said softly. “Hyunjin reminded me that you did ask to do a romantic song with me before…during 2 kids song and I didn’t do it. So maybe you just thought I wasn’t a good person to do those type of songs with. I guess that’s why you never worked on Endless Love, huh?”

“Wait, what?” Jisung said, cutting into the conversation. Felix had almost forgotten the other two 3racha members were there “Endless Love is your song?”

Felix looked at him in confusion “How do you know about Endless Love?”

Felix had given Chan those lyrics to work on ages ago and he had never about it again. He had figured Chan had read over them once, cringed, and then tossed it to the side to forget about forever. How could Jisung know what it was?

“Oh my god, that makes so much sense” Changbin whispered, turning to Jisung. Chan looked between the two of them, terrified.

“I can’t believe Endless Love is Yongbok’s song” Jisung squealed, delighted. “Yongbok…Channie hyung is like in love with that song. He recorded it years ago and listens to it alllll the time. It drives all of us insane. Versachoi hyung told him to please stop playing it and just put it on an album already but hyung said that it was too personal to be on an album”

“What…” Felix breathed out.

“He has a whole folder of just remixes he’s made of it!” Changbin cried out, delighted. He grabbed the mouse from Chan’s hand and scrolled through the computer screen.

Chan looked as though he was about to die “Please…don’t…”

Changbin opened a folder up and laughed. “Here it is! Endless Love acoustic remix, sad boi remix, dupsetp remix, jazz club remix, universe of stars remix, didgeridoo remix”

“Didgeridoo remix?” Felix echoed. He felt like he was having an out of body experience. Chan was folded up in his chair like a bright red origami.

“All this time we thought hyung had written it and just got depressed over it like he does with most of his love songs. But it was actually yours” Jisung giggled.

Felix looked at Chan, who was doing everything in his power to not look back at him. This was something. This was something big.

“Jisung, Changbin hyung…can you guys get out of here?”

“Wow, our Yongbok is kicking us out of our own studio” Changbin huffed, but he looked way too delighted to actually sound upset about it. Him and Jisung easily got up and started to collect their stuff. It seemed like they had been waiting for this conversation to happen. 

“Maknae party tomorrow night” Jisung said as he gathered his notebooks and keyboard “I need to hear all about this”

Felix didn’t answer as the two of them left the studio. Changbin patted him on the shoulder while Jisung mouthed an encouraging ‘hwaiting!’ to him. As soon as the door closed he turned to look at Chan. The older boy was still rooted to his chair, looking at the ground as though he hoped it would open up and swallow him whole.

“I didn’t know you had actually made a track for Endless Love” Felix said finally.

Chan made a strangled sound in the back of his throat.

“I thought you didn’t like it”

That finally got Chan to look up. He stared at Felix with wide eyes. His face was still the brightest red Felix had ever seen it, but he seemed more shocked than anything “Why would you think I didn’t like it??”

“Because you never mentioned it to me after I sent it to you!” Felix said “I just assumed that you thought it was bad and didn’t want to hurt my feelings or something”

“No, I…” Chan said, looking away again “It’s my fault that I never talked to you about it. I just…I liked it too much”

“Then why didn’t you ask me to make more songs like that with you?”

“I…it wouldn’t make sense” Chan said. Felix furrowed his brows. 

“Us making songs together doesn’t make sense?”

“Us making songs about love together doesn’t make sense. I mean…you’re a model, Lix. You walked on a runway, you have the biggest designer in the world making clothes just for you! And everyone says you’re a game character. I…you literally look like Cloud Strife come to life”

Chan had said he had a crush on Cloud before. Stays had sent Felix that clip countless times over the years. He felt his heart rate go up.

“I have friends ask about you constantly, people from back home and the other idols I know”

“Like, to set them up with me?” Felix asked, eyes wide. That was news to him. Chan never mentioned setting him up with anybody before.

“Yeah. All the time. But I can’t. There’s a lot of things that I can’t do when it comes to you, you know? I can’t set you up with people, I can’t see you date, I can’t write those kind of songs with you” Chan said, eyes shut so tight.

“Why not?”

“Because if I let myself think of you like that, then I’d get my hopes up for things that aren’t possible. You’re like…unattainable” Chan muttered. He was staring at his hands, ears so red that they stood out from his curls like a siren. “It’s safer, you know, to just see you like this shining star in the sky. No one can own a star”

You can! Felix yelled mentally. But he felt like Chan was on the verge of confessing something very important so he just stayed quiet and let the leader continue to rant.

“You’ve become bigger than I could have ever imagined. You shine more than anybody else around us. And I’m happy for you, you know? Don’t get me wrong. It’s amazing and I love seeing you become this…incredible superstar but then it’s like….you’re a gorgeous runway model who everybody wants and I’m just…me”

Felix gasped “What are you talking about, Chris?”

Chan chucked in that self depreciating way he had and rubbed his hand on the back of his neck “Come on, Lix. You know what I mean. You’re like an elf and I’m just an average dude who spends too much time working and doesn’t have any hobbies besides exercising and Genshin.”

“Average??” Felix cried out “What do you mean??”

“Aww, don’t make me repeat it again, Lix” Chan frowned.

“Chris you are the….least average person I know” Felix said, almost hyperventilating.

Chan looked as though he was trying to figure out whether or not that was a good thing. Felix could see the wheels turning in his head, eyes getting all scrunchy and one eyebrow going way up the way it did whenever Chan was confused about something. It was adorable. Felix was so sickeningly in love.

“You’re the hottest person I’ve ever seen before” Felix said. Chan’s eyes became huge and he started to shake his head. Felix continued on.

“And you’re not just hot, you’re good at everything you do. I’ve never met someone who is good at literally everything. It isn’t fair and if it was anybody else, I’d get pissed but I’m not pissed because it’s you and you’re perfect. And I know you say that you’re not, but you always try your hardest to be perfect and to me, that’s what perfect is. You’re so perfect that I’ve been driving myself crazy for years thinking you don’t like me because you won’t write a stupid, sexy song with me”

Now it was Chan’s turn to be stunned. “Huh?”

“I convinced myself, you know. Because you never came to me like you did to Minho hyung or Hyunjin…I thought that you didn’t ever see me like that. Like someone desirable or just…someone you could like”

“But I’ve liked you forever” Chan said in a rush. He stopped for a moment as though he was shocked that the words came out of his mouth. He stared at Felix for a second before just continuing on “I’ve liked you from before I should have…before we even debuted, if I’m being honest. But I didn’t think it would lead to anything. Like why would someone like you like someone like me….and the bigger you became, the more I lost hope about it”

Felix felt faint. “You like me?”

“Lix, I’m obsessed with you” Chan breathed out. His eyes were wet. Felix laughed. He could feel his eyes getting wet too but he didn’t care. He was so happy that nothing could make him care about anything besides the fact that Chan liked him the way he had always dreamed he would.

“Chris…I’m obsessed with you too”

Chan laughed, the sound wet and giddy. “Really?”

“Really” Felix answered “And you really like me too? Like in the…Red Lights and Drive and Endless Love type of way?”

“Yeah, of course. How could I not, Lix? And I know I’ve never done a song like Drive or Red Lights with you because I would have actually combusted if I had tried, but I’ve written sooo many songs about you. It’s embarrassing”

“Yeah?”

“You should have seen how much Jisung and Changbin made fun of me after I showed them Youtiful.” Chan confessed, blushing all over again.

“Youtiful?” Felix gasped “But wasn’t that about Stay?”

“Lix, who else have I ever described as having the universe in their eyes?” Chan muttered, embarrassed “I thought Changbin was going to brain aneurism because he was rolling his eyes so hard when he heard that line”

Felix smiled so widely he could feel his cheeks hurting. He had always loved Youtiful. Something about it had resonated with him from the first time he heard it. Now he understood why.

“What other songs have you written about me?” He demanded.

“Too many” Chan groaned “Almost all of my solo songs…even Red Lights and Drive were inspired by you”

And now Felix felt dumb. Because here he was moaning about how Chan didn’t want to sing a sexy song with him, when the songs he was so jealous about were about him all along.

“Changbin has been trying to get me to confess to you for forever” Chan continued. “That’s why he looked so happy when you came in the studio today. He realized pretty early on who all those songs were about and he’s been telling me that you felt the same way but I didn’t believe it”

“You should listen to him more often” Felix said.

“I should”

Felix looked at Chan, who was looking back at him with all the love he could ever hope for shining in his eyes. He was looking at Felix like he was something beautiful. And Felix had never felt more bold that he did then. He walked over to Chan and plopped himself down in his lap. Chan looked as though he was about to combust.

“And you should also write a sexy song with me for real now”

“I still don’t think I can” Chan sniffed, “They’d be way too unhinged. And there’s no way I can film a video like Red Lights with you without popping a boner and I don’t want JYP to fire both of us”

“Okay, but a love song?” Felix asked. From this close up, he could see the tears sparkle in Chan’s eyes. Chan had always said that Felix’s eyes looked like stars but his did too. He remembered that 2 kids song, when Chan had first asked him to about doing a love song. How stupidly love sick he had been, how afraid he had felt. But it was different now. And now he was the one asking. “I want to write all the love songs in the world with you”

“Yeah” Chan said, smile soft and so filled with love. “Yeah, I think we can make that work”