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It has, Spock thinks reluctantly, bitterly, been - to borrow a human phrase Nyota often uses - a long day. He hears laughter as he sits at an empty table in the officer’s mess and recognizes Nyota’s amongst the other two female voices. He thinks back to yesterday, overhearing words not meant to be heard by anyone other than those sat close together around the communication officer. Spock’s hearing is far more acute than any human’s so he cannot stop from hearing Nyota when she laughs, albeit awkwardly, with Nurse Chapel.
“It was for the best, though, really. We weren’t as compatible as I’d hoped.”
“No? How so?”
“I don’t know. Little things, I guess and...”
“And?”
“And, well, in bed. Things were just...not.”
“That’s hardly a little thing, Nyota.”
Spock leaves before he can hear more, shame - that all too familiar emotion - making his movements jerky, too fast, as he retreats to his quarters.
Nyota is not one to intentionally hurt another’s feelings, with the possible exception of the Captain, that is. Had she known Spock was entering the mess hall, she never would have said a thing. They had, after all, parted amicably for the exact reason specified. They were, are, not compatible. Not emotionally, mentally. Certainly not physically.
It does not ease the ache he should feel. Not yesterday. Not now as he watches Nyota smile and converse with friends as if nothing had happened between them. Spock goes to sit at an empty table in the far corner of the room feeling oddly hollow. It is a sensation not unlike that which he felt shortly after his mother’s death and the demise of his planet. It is shocking that, even knowing Nyota and he would never be suitable as bondmates, he misses her companionship.
The realization robs Spock of any hunger he once possessed. Yet again he leaves the mess unnoticed, even in his noisy haste, to retreat behind the closed doors of his quarters.
--
Every evening, after his work as First and Chief Science Officer is completed, Spock spends approximately fifteen minutes tending to some personal affairs. Mainly sorting through transmissions he has received and replying as needed. Spock does not take much time as he corresponds with so few outside the crew on Enterprise. Even then, the number of crew he would actively seek nonprofessional conversations with is low. He mainly hears from his father, rarely from his counterpart. If his mother were still alive, no doubt he would hear from her every day.
Most of those fifteen minutes is dedicated to sorting through the “junk mail” as the Captain calls it. Spock does not like to simply delete it all on sight, on the off chance there is something of importance there.
A missive with the subject: INTRODUCING MYSHIPSPACE, THE NEW INTER-SHIP SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE!
Against his better judgement, Spock opens the letter and reads on about MyShipSpace. As it turns out, this social networking site has been put in place by Starfleet as a way to boost the quality of the relationships between crew members, especially those on deep space missions with little to no contact outside their ship.
Spock can “read between the lines” (again, another one of the Captain’s favorite idioms) that MyShipSpace is a thinly veiled dating site; the guise of friendship to get around fraternization rules.
Still.
BE AS PRIVATE OR OPEN AS YOU’D LIKE. MYSHIPSPACE IS CUSTOMIZABLE TO YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES.
Spock taps the link.
--
He chooses for anonymity to keep himself from scrutiny. His screen name, Science01, is both logical in its simplicity and fulfills the need to use both Standard alpha and numerical symbols. But filling out the rest of his profile proves challenging. The site asks for his hobbies. Spock does not have many outside his duties onboard. So “pursuit of knowledge” is what he types there. After several minutes spent pondering, so does “chess.” There is a category labeled “Interested In” and Spock chooses female purely out of habit. But because it is supposed to be a site for friendship he also chooses male.
Once Spock submits all of his information there is a moment of doubt. He should not be participating in such a superfluous site, not as a senior officer. But Spock is so lonely. He does not wish to be alone anymore.
--
The next day, Spock does not spare more than a passing thought for his profile or the site at all. He is too occupied with keeping the Captain safe as Kirk wanders from the landing party and ends up captured by the race of all females that inhabit the planet.
When Spock finds him, the Captain is tied to a bed; mostly naked and bruises littering his body but with a grin on his face.
“Is it possible to die from pleasure?”
Krik is incorrigible. Spock thinks about leaving him, only for .43 seconds, before picking up the sacrificial dagger on the altar by the bed Jim is currently occupying.
"No. But it is possible to die from this." He holds it up to Kirk’s widening eyes. "They intend to offer your body as a sacrifice to their Goddess. The ceremony begins by removing the genitalia."
Kirk’s body jerks against the ropes in what Spock presume an aborted attempt to cup his hands protectively in front of him.
"Shit, Spock! Get me out of here!"
Spock nods, "yes Sir."
--
By the time the landing party returns to the ship and is cleared by Doctor McCoy, Spock has barely enough energy to meditate, let alone check his transmissions, before falling asleep.
--
Spock wakes up still fatigued. He attributes it to the stress of his separation from Nyota. They took part in the occasional shallow meld. While it wasn’t frequent enough for Spock’s liking it had been better than none at all. And now Spock is left with no mind to share, to soothe. Meditation only does so much.
Ultimately it is his loneliness, both physically and mentally, that draws Spock back to the social networking site.
He is not surprised to discover no one has taken an interest in his profile. Spock did not supply much information. What he did is not in keeping with the “norm.” He peruses the other members, sees pictures, lists of favorites - music, books, holos. There is not much in Spock’s profile to intrigue others.
Spock chooses to seek someone out himself. It proves a difficult task. He far outranks the majority of the crew. The disparity in power would undoubtedly lead to conflict should he choose to pursue any type of relationship outside of the site. Those who are of a more elevated position hold no interest to him. It is discouraging.
Until Spock notices a profile, conspicuous in its lack of pictures and flood of information. The name blu3y3blnd leaves him wary. But Spock notices “chess” and “engineering” under hobbies and finds himself interested despite himself.
Spock has never been adept in social situations, especially “ice breakers.” It is fortuitous there is an option to merely hail the other individual.
He experiences a moment of hesitation. Spock locks it away. This may be the best option for Spock. Safe, behind his anonymous identity, Spock can keep himself as far apart from the situation as needs be, and still work on building a mentally fulfilling relationship with another. If their interactions are kept strictly confined to the ‘nets, the possibility of rejection, especially of the physical nature, is severely diminished.
His finger taps “hail” before he can reason himself out of it. Spock wonders how long he will have to wait for a response, if any.
--
The majority of Spock’s time the next day is spent in the Science Labs. There are several experiments he is overseeing and since he is not expected on the Bridge today, Spock plans on being productive here. He is aware of the time, almost in an abstract way; in that he knows the hour but is not focused enough to know he has missed his daily meal with the Captain until he hears a knock and throat clearing signaling Kirk’s arrival.
“Captain,” Spock says without looking up from his work.
“Hey Spock.” The Captain sounds slightly surprised, no doubt wondering how Spock knew it was he at the door.
“Did you need something, Sir?”
Spock does not mean to be rude but he is finding it increasingly difficult to be patient when his entire psyche is hurting.
“You missed dinner.” Spock says nothing so Kirk continues. “I thought I’d come make sure everything was okay. I mean, even Uhura had no idea what you were up to that had you missing dinner. Which, I’m not trying to judge or anything but, that seems weird for a girlfriend to not know about.”
Spock wonders how best to respond. He settles for the truth.
“Nyota and I are no longer involved romantically.”
“What?” It is a near shout. “Since when? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Kirk is now standing next to Spock, close enough to reach out and place an unwelcome hand on Spock’s shoulder. Jim is and always has been too loose with physical gestures of comfort and affection. It leaves Spock feeling out of place.
“I did not believe it was any of your concern.”
The pressure of Jim’s grip on Spock’s shoulder tightness. “Of course it does, Spock. Yours and Uhura’s relationship concerns me a great deal.”
“Because you wish to enter into a relationship with her?”
That gets Jim to let go.
“No.” He steps back. The loss of body heat incongruously worsens Spock’s feeling of discomfort.
“Because we’re friends. Or at least, getting there, right?”
Spock thinks to the first encounter with his counterpart. He had spoken fondly of friendship and is that not what Spock is seeking?
“I suppose you are correct.”
Though Spock knows what he needs is more than friendship. The problem is who he can trust to have that with.
--
He sits down in front of his personal terminal, activating it and startling at a new and unexpected notification alert. It is a message on MyShipSpace from blu3y3blnd.
Dear Science01,
Hi! I was somewhat surprised to find I had a hail (not from you, just in general) because it seems like no one’s interested in someone not willing to post embarrassing and/or incriminating photos of themselves. I see you’re lacking in photos too and can only assume you’re the only other intelligent person on this ship. As if anyone needs potential blackmail material floating out there.
Anyway. I digress. My name is, well, a secret...but you can call me J. As you could probably tell based on my screen name, I’m a blue eyed, blonde hair bombshell (okay so the bombshell part wasn’t exactly obvious. But it’s true. I mean, I’ve got a butt that turns even the straightest of men’s gaze. Though that’s neither here nor there). I’m not just another pretty face though. i am a genius too (not trying to toot my own horn but toot toot!).
I see you like chess. I also like chess (duh) and it’s been so long since I’ve played anyone worth my time...remember, genius...and was wondering if you’d like to start up a match.
So, what do you say? Up to the challenge?
-J
Aside from J’s abuse of parentheses and ellipses, Spock finds himself drawn in. He tries to mentally recall the blue eyed and blond hair females on board but is unable to. He knows some; Nurse Chapel and Yeoman rand are just two in a list of many. But eye and hair color are so subjective, especially to Terrans. It could be anyone.
Spock also wonders why J insists on keeping her identity private when so many choose not to. Like she mentioned, many crew post questionable content to their profiles unbecoming of their status. She clearly thinks herself attractive enough, if her bombshell comment is to believed (Spock does wonder briefly at the mention of straight men but does not dwell). It pleases Spock that she is professional in keeping her personal life private.
He wants to know more about J. And all from a simple, rather tangential message.
“J, I would be -”
Spock pauses in his reply. He knows his speech patterns are far more formal, and therefore recognizable, than most others. He must choose his words carefully lest he give himself away.
“-up for a game of chess.”
He is grateful to his human mother and years spent living amongst Terrans. He may not speak like them but that does not mean he does not know how to, when in Rome, do as the Romans.
--
Spock is in the process of shutting down his terminal when he hears the MyShipSpace notification.
blu3y3blnd: you up for one right now?
Spock brings up the game on his padd as he turns down the covers on his bed. He is fatigued, but the prospect of a challenging chess match has him alert in his bed. Spock chooses black, hoping giving J the advantage will prolong play.
blu3y3blnd: you want me to play white?
Spock pauses for less than a second to parse his thoughts, to make sure he speaks as succinctly as possible without sounding too rigid.
Science01: I believe the saying goes, “ladies first.”
blu3y3blnd: ouch, Science. ouch.”
Spock does not understand that so he chooses not to respond, instead studying the board as J makes her move.
blu3y3blnd: so what do i call you?
Science01: Science works.
blu3y3blnd: for now, i guess.
J makes a play Spock cannot understand. She stated being a genius and enjoying chess, yet to Spock her manner of tactics does not prove those to be true.
blu3y3blnd: where are you from?
Spock thinks on that. He cannot tell J he is from Vulcan. He does not wish to lie, though.
Science01: I am from San Francisco.
It is not technically a lie in that prior to embarking he resided in the city. he knows it skirts the fine line of truth, as J had been asking of Spock’s origins. But it would not bode well to share that information.
blu3y3blnd: convenient for you. did you grow up seeing all the cadets around town, hoping you’d someday get to be one of them?
Science01: No.
Spock is trying to concentrate on his next movie. It is difficult when J continues to communicate with him.
blu3y3blnd: oh. so what did you want to be then, when you were little?
Science01: A scientist.
J moves and Spock is left wondering at the tactics she employs.
blu3y3blnd: really? a scientist?
Science01: Is there something wrong with that?
blu3y3blnd: no. it’s just that most people want to be, like, princesses and superheroes when they’re little.
Science01: Is that what you wanted to be?
There is a pause in their conversation. Spock would think it’s a result of J’s concentration on their match. Only J moves and still stays quiet.
Finally J replies.
blu3y3blnd: yeah i guess something like that.
--
blu3y3blnd: checkmate
Spock is stunned, staring at the virtual board in wonder. he has not lost in over fifteen years. he does not know how J did it.
blu3y3blnd: regret giving me white, then?
He hesitates before answering.
Science01: Yes. I can’t believe I lost to a girl.
blu3y3blnd: ok man, that’s enough with the girl thing.
Confused, Spock replies with
Science01: I apologize if I offended you.
Even though he cannot fathom why being called a girl should offend J.
blu3y3blnd: it’s alright. you’re a sore loser. i get it. i’d be too if i lost.
He cannot tell if J is sincere. Communicating this way is so imprecise and impractical.
blu3y3blnd: you want to play again?
Spock is relieved.
--
blu3y3blnd: besides chess, what else do you like to do, Science?
Spock is sitting at an empty table, as per the new norm, eating his lunch and contemplating how best to respond to J’s query.
“Hey Spock, mind if I join you?” Kirk places his tray down on the table before Spock can answer.
“I suppose not.”
Once Kirk is seated and eating, Spock turns back to his padd and stares at the message from J.He has no answer for her. Outside of work and the necessary meditation he partakes in daily, there is not much Spock indulges in besides chess.
“What do you do in your free time?” The question is out of his mouth before he can think through the repercussions.
“Me?” Kirk is pointing at himself, mouth wide open. The question has caught him off guard.
Spock nods.
“I don’t know, I don’t have much of that at the moment but...I like to read.”
“Is that it?”
Now Jim is giving Spock a very speculative look. “No. Um, running. I like to run. Better when it’s outdoors instead of on a treadmill against a holo of whatever environmental landscape you chose...I guess I like doing all sorts of stuff outdoors. Camping, star gazing, that kind of thing.”
“You enjoy astronomy?”
Jim laughs as he takes a bite of his sandwich. “Not just astronomy. I’m kind of an engineering physics nerd. If I hadn’t gone the command route, I’d be wearing a pretty blue shirt just like you.”
Spock is not aware he is gaping until Jim asks, equal parts humor and annoyance, “what? I did get into Starfleeet Academy, same as you. It wasn’t just because of my dashing good looks.”
Kirk wipes at his mouth with a napkin, sets his sandwich down and that seems to be some kind of sign to Spock. One he is not understanding.
“What about you?”
“I do not know.”
--
Science01: I like the outdoors. Physical activities like running and-
Spock thinks of the many lessons of Suss Mahn he attended as a child.
Science01: Martial arts. Reading too. What about you?
blu3y3blnd: i like a lot of those same things. when i’m not busy with work i love sitting down with a good book.
Science01: Which kinds of books do you like?
blu3y3blnd: anything. really. from comics to the latest scientific journal entry on quantum physics. i’m all over the place.
Science01: You enjoy quantum physics?
blu3y3blnd: who doesn’t? am i right?
blu3y3blnd: anyway
blu3y3blnd: besides all that, i love a good movie. there’s nothing nicer than curling up with someone you care about and watching a movie. not that i get to do that anymore, though.
Science01: That does sound nice.
blu3y3blnd: yeah.
--
blu3y3blnd: i’ve been meaning to ask.
blu3y3blnd: you know what i look like, well, kind of anyway. but i don’t know what you look like.
Science01: Is there a question in there, J?
blu3y3blnd: ugh, god science, no need to be so literal.
blu3y3blnd: what do you look like?
blu3y3blnd: not that it matters of course. because i really enjoy our conversations and chess nights but i was just curious.
Spock contemplates the question.
blu3y3blnd: you know what? it doesn’t matter. forget i asked.
--
Spock seeks Nyota out after their shift. She is in her quarters, alone and surprised to see him.
“Spock? What’s up?”
“I apologize, Nyota, I do not mean to bother you.”
“You’re never a bother, Spock.”
Except in bed, Spock thinks. Because he never liked being as physically intimate as Nyota. Not just in a sexual manner. He could never be close to her. No cuddling, hand holding and other casual, yet important, gestures involved in many Terran relationships.
“I wondered if I could ask you a somewhat personal question.”At her nod, Spock continues. “Do you, or did you, find me physically attractive?”
The look on Nyota’s face is complex and not one Spock can place. “God, Spock, of course I did. Still do. I’m sorry if anything I said made you think otherwise, or any less of yourself.”
“That is not why I asked, do not be concerned.’
“Then why?”
At her question, Spock takes a deep, calming breath. he should not be embarrassed. Should not, but is.
“I have recently created a profile on MySpaceShip.”
“Oh my God.”
“I have made the acquaintance of a crew member and she asked what I look like. I do not know what to tell her.”
Nyota is smiling by the time he is done. “Good for you, Spock.”
--
Science01: I’ve been told I’m tall, dark and handsome.
blu3y3blnd: what?
Science01: In answer to your previous question of what I look like. I’m tall, dark, and handsome.
blu3y3blnd: oh yeah? that’s just my type ;)
Science01: It is?
blu3y3blnd: yup.
blu3y3blnd: what about you? do you have a type? like, for instance, blondes with blue eyes?
Spock thinks of the few women he has dated. They run the gamut in physical attributes.
Science01: To me, looks aren’t as important as personality.
blu3y3blnd: mhm, that’s what they all say.
Spock wonders who “they” are. It does not matter. What matters is that -
Science01: Well i mean it.
blu3y3blnd: yeah? what kind of personality do you like, then?
Science01: Yours.
blu3y3blnd: oh
Spock worries he has been too honest, too soon. That maybe J does not feel the same. Because J is not responding.
Science01: I guess I’ll talk to you later.
blu3y3blnd: wait! please don’t go yet, i
blu3y3blnd: you
blu3y3blnd: caught me off guard.
Science01: Okay.
blu3y3blnd: shit. what i meant to say is
blu3y3blnd: i like you too.
Science01: You do?
blu3y3blnd: yeah
Science01: Why did you not simply say so?
blu3y3blnd: i’m sorry. i was...am nervous
blu3y3blnd: i guess a little
blu3y3blnd: scared
Science01: Of what?
blu3y3blnd: believe it or not, i’m kind of shy.
Science01: I don’t believe it.
blu3y3blnd: my best friend doesn’t believe me either. i come across loud and in your face but the truth is
A reply from J takes so long Spock thinks perhaps she has logged off. Finally, just as Spock is giving up hope on J explaining further, the next message comes up.
blu3y3blnd: it’s a cover. i hide behind this stupid mask all the time. because i don’t know how to do relationships, really, of any kind. i never had any that worthwhile. and i’m scared of messing this up. i don’t have many opportunities for this kind of thing, Science. because of my position on the ship i can’t just go up to people and even if i could they’d only see what they want, what they think i am.
Spock thinks of the majority of the crew. They give him a wide berth. None, other than Nyota - and, inexplicably, Kirk - have made the attempt to befriend him. Whether the rest maintain a somewhat xenophobic view of Vulcans or simply do not know how to interact with him, Spock does not know. But it has left him with little desire to attempt any type of meaningful relationship. Perhaps this is why Spock remains apart, aloof and unapproachable.
Science01: I understand.
blu3y3blnd: do you?
Science01: Completely. I just got out of a relationship not too long ago.
blu3y3blnd: oh. i’m sorry
Science01: It’s alright. It was as friendly a breakup as possible. But she was my only real friend aboard the ship.
blu3y3blnd: she? as in, girlfriend? you had a girlfriend?
Science01: Yes?
blu3y3blnd: oh. that’s cool. i like women too.
Spock honestly does not know what to say to that. He knows many lifeforms are bisexual, pansexual as well, but for some reason he had not anticipated J would be physically attracted to women. It is not a negative. Not at all. Just a surprise.
Science01: I see.
blu3y3blnd: sorry for interrupting. keep going. you were saying about your girlfriend?
Science01: Right. She was really the only person on board I could relate to and now that we aren’t together I am lonely. I don’t know how to talk to people, what to say so that they’ll like me. I’m too different from them.
blu3y3blnd: really? you think so? because i think you’re doing just fine right now.
He cannot explain why, but Spock is agitated. Of course J would think Spock can converse easily with her, their communication is done through the safety of the ‘nets. It is easier for Spock to maintain composure, not to mention pretend to be something he is not, when he does not have to come face to face with another being.
Science01: Yes, but this isn’t real.
blu3y3blnd: you don’t consider this real?
Science01: No. J, you misunderstand me.
blu3y3blnd: right. i see. well this has been fun and all but i’ve gotta go and do anything other than sit here at my computer like a fool thinking this is more than it is.
blu3y3blnd has signed off
Spock is flabbergasted. What happened? What did he say to make J leave so abruptly? He reads through their conversation and realizes his mistake. He feels the sharp pang of anger at himself for believing he could do better at finding a compatible partner, even through an illogical networking site.
And yet, his evenings spent chatting with J have been the highlights of tedious days warping between planets. He does not want to go back to the way things were before. Before J. He finds the idea frightens him.
Dear J, he begins.
You must forgive my poor choice of words. I did not mean to give you any doubt on the sincerity of our budding relationship. Our conversations have been all I can think of recently. You intrigue me like none other. The way your mind works as you play chess, I wish I could witness that face to face.
In his agitation, Spock cannot bring himself to make the effort to alter his words enough to sound less Vulcan. He does not care. H needs to send this message before J decides to write him off completely.
What I meant by “not real” was that I am afraid in person I will not be the man you think I am; too rigid, too timid, too alien to the lifestyle to which you are accustomed. because such is the case with the others I have tried to form close bonds with. If that were to happen to us, I would be devastated.
Please. Forgive me. Give me a second chance.
Science01
Spock reads through his missive several times. It is too desperate, he is sure, sounds too much like himself, and yet he cannot think of a clearer way to address the problem. And he wants to address it quickly, before it is too late.
He hits send and waits.
--
By morning there is still no response from J. Spock is beside himself in disappointment. His actions must reflect his mood because Kirk pulls him aside at the end of their shift.
“Spock, what’s up with you today?”
His emotional control is so weak currently. That is the only reason he can think of for actually answering Kirk.
“I have upset someone. I do not know how to make amends.”
“Was it Uhura?”
At Spock’s head shake, kirk motions to be followed. He leads Spock off the bridge and to the lift, the two of them alone. Spock is grateful for the privacy. He feels an illogical desire to talk to Kirk about his problem with J. Kirk is more knowledgeable in this subject. Nyota always told him how Kirk was a lady’s man. Perhaps he can help Spock.
“I have made a friend,” Spock says as they enter the lift.
Kirk stumbles on the way in and Spock has to reach out a hand to keep the Captain from falling.
“Oh? That’s great.” Though he does not look as if he actually thinks so. “Who is it?”
“I...do not know.” At Kirk’s puzzled look, Spock continues. “We met through MyShipSpace. Please do not say anything.
Which, Kirk would not be able to do anyway because he sounds as if he is choking. On what, Spock has no clue.
“Are you well, Captain?”
They reach the deck to their quarters before Kirk regains the ability to speak.
“I’m okay. Sorry. Sorry, I just...wasn’t expecting to hear you say that. MyShipSpace, huh?”
“Please do not make light of the situation, Captain.”
“Believe me, I’m not,” Kirk mutters quietly. Spock wonders if Kirk meant for him to hear. “So what happened?”
“The details are irrelevant,” he says because he does not wish to explain how he is deficient in this area of social interaction, “I believe I have offended this person, on accident, and do not know how to fix the problem.”
“Did you apologize?”
“I did.”
“And what did your friend say?”
“Nothing yet. I fear it may be too late.”
Kirk places his hand on Spock’s shoulder and squeezes firmly. “It’s never too late, Spock. Maybe your friend just needs time to cool off.”
“I hope you are right.”
“Of course I am.”
The reach their quarters. Spock moves to enter his when Kirk stops him; this time his hand on Spock’s elbow, a gentle touch.
“Hey Spock, I was wondering if you’d like to play a game of chess with me tonight. Maybe after we get some dinner?”
The way Kirk is looking at him, expectantly, confuses Spock. “Thank you, Captain, but I must decline.”
Chess is what J and he do together, their bonding time. With J angry at him, Spock finds he has no desire to play with anyone else.
“Why? Don’t you like chess?”
“No. Vulcans do not like anything,” he lies. He does not know why.
He also does not know why Kirk looks so hurt or why that should hurt Spock just as equally.
--
MyShipSpace is up on his terminal as Spock attends to other work. He is attempting distraction though it seems a pointless endeavor as he continues to look at the screen in hopes a message from J will appear.
It is late. Spock needs to meditate. Since beginning his online friendship with J, Spock noticed the ache in his mind ease and therefore the need for constant meditative cycles decreased. But with J angry at him, and only one standard day of silence, Spock feels frayed.
He is going to sign off. He should delete the profile. He should accept the fact he will be alone in body and mind for the remainder of his five years. At least.
blu3y3blnd: hey
The chat box on his screen nearly makes him start in surprise.
blu3y3blnd: before you say anything, i’m sorry.
Science01: Why are you apologizing to me?
blu3y3blnd: i overreacted. i should’ve listened to your explanation. i’m sorry.
Science01: It’s me who should be apologizing. I didn’t mean to make you mad.
blu3y3blnd: i’m not mad. not anymore.
Something inside Spock seems to loosen in a way he is not familiar with.
Science01: That’s good. I’m glad. i didn’t want you to stop talking to me.
blu3y3blnd: no, of course i wouldn’t. i couldn’t. i just needed some time to cool off.”
Science01: Funny, a friend of mine said the same thing.
blu3y3blnd: oh?
Science01: I may have asked for advice on how to make amends. He suggested giving you time.”
blu3y3blnd: sounds like a smart guy.
Science01: He is extremely intelligent, yes.
There is an unusually long pause between J’s response. Spock begins typing up a question about chess when J finally sends
blu3y3blnd: be carefully, i may start getting jealous of this guy
Puzzling.
Science01: Why? It’s you I’m interested in.
blu3y3blnd: that’s...good.
blu3y3blnd: great
blu3y3blnd: yeah
--
blu3y3blnd: will you tell me about her? you’re girlfriend, i mean. about what happened between you two.
blu3y3blnd: you don’t have to if you don’t want
Spock has never wanted to share this part of himself. But with J he feels safe. That she will not think less of him for his failings.
Science01: It was hard.
Science01: Being close with her.
blu3y3blnd: close how?
Science01: Physically. I did not always enjoy it when we were...intimate.
Even as he types he can hardly believe he is sharing this much.
blu3y3blnd: did she? enjoy it?
Science01: Yes. She said I was, uh, hung like a horse?
blu3y3blnd: oh shit.
Science01: But afterwards she could always tell I wasn’t as into it and got upset. We fought about it often.
blu3y3blnd: i’m sorry. god. really sorry.
Science01: It’s not your fault.
blu3y3blnd: no. but that doesn’t mean i can’t sympathize. i can only imagine what that’s done to you.
In all their arguments, Nyota had never once thought of how their intimacy affected Spock. Only how it hurt her.
blu3y3blnd: does it make you wary of getting that close to someone again?
Science01: Yes.
Neither say anything for some time. Spock regrets telling J. But only a little. Because if they are to be...something to each other...J has the right to know.
Science01: I’m sorry. You probably want nothing to do with me now.
blu3y3blnd: what? no! are you crazy? your ex-girlfriend’s hangups are her own. I don’t mind if you can’t or don’t always like being physical. that’s not what’s most important in a relationship.
Science01: Thank you.
blu3y3blnd: but for the record, the fact that you’re hung like a horse is, um, wow. crazy hot. and even if you don’t want sex a lot i could totally rub one out to that thought alone.
blu3y3blnd: oh my god. i can’t believe i just said that.
blu3y3blnd: i’m gonna go.
blu3y3blnd: bye.
blu3y3blnd has signed off
--
“Captain.” J’s comment has been on his mind since last night. He cannot parse the meaning.
“What’s up, Mr. Spock?” Kirk looks up from the padd he’s currently using.
“I had a question I was hoping you could answer.”
He sees Sulu and Chekov lean back to hear. Spock bends closer to Kirk’s ear, asks, “what does it mean to rub one out?”
“Spock!” Kirk starts coughing, turns bright red as his eyes water and he tries to catch his breath.
“Captain?”
“You shouldn’t...that’s not really appropriate on-duty conversation, don’t you think?” Kirk speaks so loudly all heads turn towards them.
Spock is embarrassed.
“I apologize, Captain. I was not aware. I did not realize it was inappropriate. Someone said it to me and I wished to learn its meaning.”
The crew is still staring.
Spock goes to return to his station. Kirk’s hand on his forearm stills him.
“Someone? Like who?”
Why is the Captain staring at him so intently?
“I do not believe that is any of your business.
--
Kirk is sitting with Sulu and Scott when Spock enters the mess. Kirk waves him over.
“Hello there, Mr. Spock,” Scott calls out as Spock sits next to Kirk.
“Good evening.”
“Are ye getting excited for the holidays?”
Spock has not given them much thought, to be honest.
“I have not given them much thought.”
“Well you better start thinking, Sir or you’ll run out of time!”
“For what?”
“For what, he says. I cannot believe my ears. For presents, of course!”
Spock turns to look at Sulu and Kirk, both of whom are trying to cover up smiles.
“Scotty here gets really excited about Christmas.” Sulu wraps an arm around the man and pats his shoulder companionably.
“Of course I do. What’s not to love?”
“Here we go,” Kirk says with an eye roll.
“Come off it, Scrooge. Just because you don’t have someone special to shower with gifts this year doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t.”
Spock is about to ask who Scott’s “someone special” is when Kirk speaks up.
“Maybe I do.”
Sulu whistles. “You’ve been keeping secrets, Jim. Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Other than our Silver Lady,” Scotty winks at Kirk.
“Naturally,” Kirk concedes. “And who says it’s a girl?”
Kirk looks at Spock, perhaps to make sure Spock is not offended by the Captain’s proclivities.
“Ooh, exciting!” Scotty is finished eating at this point but makes no moves to leave.
“Well?” Sulu asks. “Who’s the lucky person to catch our dear Captain’s heart?”
“Aye, give us a name. We can keep a secret.”
“That’s complete bullshit,” Kirk laughs, though it does not sound sincere. “The whole ship would know by tomorrow morning. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a ship to run.
Kirk clears his tray and leaves.
“What about you, Mr. Spock?”
He does have “someone special” this year. The thought of gift giving has not once occurred to him. J has never mentioned Christmas or a desire to exchange gifts - if such a thing is even possible in their situation. It’s not as if he even knows J’s real name. How could he leave her a gift without that knowledge?
“Excuse me, gentlemen. I believe I shall follow the Captain’s example and get back to work.”
“There’s something you don’t hear every day,” he hears Scott mumble.
--
Science01: Will you ever tell me your name, J?
blu3y3blnd: that depends. will you?
Spock thinks about revealing his true self. He feels the fear of rejection so strongly he cannot fathom telling J.
Science01: Maybe not just yet.
blu3y3blnd: Whenever you’re ready, so am I.
--
Spock’s in Kirk’s quarters, a table and chess board between them. He had not intended on joining the Captain - Spock was planning on engaging in a game with J - but after today’s events, the Captain needed some company.
On a routine scouting mission Jackson, one of the newest numbers of the security force, had gotten separated from the rest of the group. Alone, one of the indigenous lifeforms attacked and killed him.
The Captain, of course, blames himself.
No matter what the others have been telling him to the contrary, Kirk is beside himself with guilt. It would not do well to leave him alone with his thoughts at a time like this.
Kirk is his friend. Spock, for all he says otherwise, does not like seeing him like this; so different from the loud, energetic, happy human Spock has come to 9admire.
Even as Kirk sets up the chessboard, he remains morose.
“I assume you will be playing white.” He hopes provoking Kirk will break him of his bad mood.
“Why would you assume that?” Irritation sounds better on Kirk than sadness.
“You are human. I am Vulcan. Must I continue?”
A hint of a smirk lifts Kirk’s mouth. “Oh I am going to enjoy making you eat your words.”
Kirk makes his move, an unusual opening gambit that seems oddly familiar.
“Quite a daring play.”
“You have no idea.” kirk is smiling now. It pleases Spock.
Before Spock can make his move, Kirk’s comm goes off.
“Dammit. Really? Now?” He slams down the button. “Kirk here.”
“Captain, you have an incoming message from Admiral Pike.”
Kirk rolls his eyes. “Worst. Timing. Ever. I guess we’ll have to raincheck, Spock.”
“Of course, Captain.” Spock nods and sees himself out.
“Kirk here -” The door closes before Spock hears more.
Spock is disappointed at the interruption. He was looking forward to testing Kirk’s skills. But he is happy he can now play with J.
Only, J never comes online.
Spock spends the rest of the evening meditating.
--
blu3y3blnd: so i’ve been thinking
Science01: A dangerous pastime.
blu3y3blnd: ha ha. anyway, i’ve been thinking. we should meet.
Impossibly, it feels as if Spock’s heart skips a beat.
Science01: We already have.
blu3y3blnd: you’re on fire tonight.
blu3y3blnd: you know what i mean. you and me. we should meet up. in person.
blu3y3blnd: hello?
blu3y3blnd: science?
Science01: I apologize. Your suggestion caught me off guard.
blu3y3blnd: is that a good thing or a bad thing
Science01: I’m not sure.
blu3y3blnd: look. i get that you may be a bit apprehensive about meeting up. so am i. but i really like you, science. and you like me too, right?
Science01: Correct.
blu3y3blnd: so don’t you want to see if we can have something more?
More. The idea excites Spock. It terrifies him as well.
Science01: Yes I do.
blu3y3blnd: then it’s only logical for us to meet.
Science01: When?
blu3y3blnd: Christmas Eve? At midnight.
Science01: Where?
blu3y3blnd: on observation deck 3. southeast corner. under the mistletoe
Spock feels the sudden urge to swallow his nerves away.
Science01: Okay.
blu3y3blnd: great. it’s a date.
--
Spock cannot help but fidget as he mentally counts down the time. What if J does not find Spock aesthetically pleasing? What if, when she discovers he is Vulcan, J realizes he is not the man he presented himself to be?
All through his shift and auxiliary duties, Spock is distracted. He is not the only one, though. Kirk looks as nervous as Spock feels. He absentmindedly adds sugar to his potatoes, salt to his coffee. Spock wonders what is preoccupying his mind. Kirk, despite what Spock previously thought, is actually very calm and level headed. Especially so when he is on duty.
“I wonder what is bothering the Captain,” Chekov whispers to Spock. “I have not seen him this way since we first left Space Dock.”
--
Fifteen minutes until midnight but Spock can wait no longer. There is no harm in arriving early. So with ten minutes to spare, Spock enters Observation Deck 3, heading straight for the southeast corner where the mistletoe J said would be there. He finds the mistletoe without problem. But the only person he sees under it is...
“Surprise,” Kirk steps forward.
“Captain? What are you doing here?”
Kirk rubs at the back of his neck. “Meeting someone.” He stared pointedly at Spock. “Someone special.”
Spock is left gaping at his Captain. “You...are J?”
“In the flesh.” Kirk smiles at him.
Spock feels something inside him harden, turn as if nauseated. Because Kirk is simply standing there like this is nothing, like this is some type of -
“Joke.”
“What?”
“This is a joke. A prank. You are “messing with me”.”
He is angry at what Kirk has done. He thought they were friends. He had told J so many private, personal parts of his life. Things he is too ashamed to share with others. But Kirk has been masquerading as a female to have fun at Spock’s expense. Was it to use the information against Spock? He did not think Kirk so cruel. “But why?”
“Oh my God, Spock. No! How can you even think that?”
It is then that Spock takes in the way Kirk is standing; right leg shaking, hands clasped tightly but still trembling, slight sheen of perspiration at Kirk’s temples.
“You are nervous.”
“Of course I’m nervous, Spock, shit!” Kirk unclenches his hands to wipe at his face.
“Why?”
“Because! Because I really like you, Spock and I’m worried that now you know I’m J, you won’t like me anymore.”
Spock does not voice that he feared the same.
“I thought J was a woman.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I stated i was interested in females.”
“You also had males under that category. Otherwise I’d never have hailed you!”
So many aspects of their past conversations makes sense now.
“But this is not right. This is wrong.”
“Wrong?”
Kirk’s entire body seems to shudder, his face closing off. Spock is amazed at the transformation.
“I see.”
He turns from Spock and walks away. Spock should say something, but what? He does not know. He is not well versed in communicating emotions. He is not sure he can even identify what he is feeling right now.
Kirk is at the door when he turns angry blue eyes at Spock. “You know. You told me looks didn’t matter. That personality was more important to you. And that you liked mine.”
Spock is struck dumb at Kirk’s intensity.
“I never took you for a liar, Spock.”
The door opens and Kirk leaves Spock. Alone.
--
Days pass for Spock in agony. He has never been so alone in his own mind before; a mind that is searching for something. Someone. He knows who the someone is but Spock has ruined what little he had with Kirk...J...Jim.
At first, he was numb to the loss of his two closest friends. Because after his conversation with Jim, Spock had still not been able to fully comprehend the fact J was Jim.
How had he been so blind?
After merging the two in his mind, however; Spock is left with nothing. Because he has neither J nor Jim to fill his time and thoughts.
He misses his chess games with J. Or the way he could talk without fear of censure.
He misses Jim and his frequent smiles, the way he alone offered friendly touches even when Spock thought he did not want them. He misses daily meals with Jim as he talks to SPock as a friend, includes him with the rest of the crew as if he is no different.
The profile for blu3y3blnd is gone, deleted. Jim will not talk to Spock unless it is work related. On the bridge he retains a somewhat friendly demeanor. Enough so the rest of the crew does not ask questions about their Captain’s sudden coldness towards their First. But off the bridge, J has no problem being curt with Spock in a way that makes the Vulcan shudder.
He has completely ruined something that never had a chance to start.
--
Jim has deemed it mandatory for all senior crew members to attend the New Year’s Eve party And yet, Jim is not present. Spock knows because he has been searching for him since the start of the party.
“He ain’t here.” McCoy says as he stands next to Spock.
“To whom are you referring?”
“Jim. He’s hiding in his rooms. I don’t know what’s been going on with him lately, but I’d bet my best bottle of Romulan Ale it has to do with you.”
“Doctor?”
“I don’t get enough credit, I swear to God.” McCoy takes a long drink from his glass. “It hasn’t escaped my notice how he avoids you like a bad case of Andorian Shingles.”
“The Captain -”
“You can save the bullshit, Spock. You ain’t foolin’ me. Now why don’t you go fix what happened so you and Jim can kiss and make-up?”
“How-”
“Gon on. Git.”
--
Despite McCoy’s claim that Kirk is hiding, his doors open when Spock seeks entrance.
“Not now Bones, can’t you see I’m sulking?”
“Why are you sulking?”
If the occasion had been different Spock would have found the way Jim literally jumped out of his chair comical.
“Jesus, Spock you scared the shit out of me.” Kirk’s hand is on his chest, over his heart. Spock imagines how it must be racing.
“Apologies, Captain.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I am sorry.”
Kirk rolls his eyes. “It’s fine, I know you didn’t mean to scare me.”
“It was I who was wrong,” he continues as if Jim had not spoken. “Not you.”
“Spock?”
“I do not have much experience, Jim. I had not once even considered males as an option for me. Not because I hold no attraction. Because it is difficult to think of me with anyone. I had long given up the hope of finding my thyla.”
“Your what?”
Spock wonders how best to explain the meaning behind such a sacred word. He settles for, “my you.”
“Spock.”
His name is whispered but it has never sounded more powerful.
“I did not mean what I said. You must forgive me. I did not know how to respond. I do not know how to do this.” He sounds desperate by the end.
Kirk is up and at Spock’s side in seconds.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Spock.”
He reaches for Spock’s hands. The flinch is automatic. How will he explain to Jim when he can’t respond in the appropriate way?
When Kirk’s fingers move against his, just the barest, softest of touches, Spock feels only an easing within him.
Spock thinks of what losing this simple feeling would be like. His fingers tighten around Jim’s He cannot lose this.
“Jim, you must forgive me. I did not know.”
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I already have. I knew I was taking a chance when I arranged our meet up. I mean, I’ve known it was you for awhile, had time to get used to the fact I’m in love with my Vulcan First Officer. I can’t imagine if the roles were reversed>”
There are several questions Spock has in response to Jim’s words. He starts with the easiest.
“You knew it was me? How?”
“Well, at first i just suspected. I mean, your name was Science01, Spock. Talk about obvious. Then there were the little things. Like your profile on MyShipSpace. People usually use it as a way of talking themselves up. Yours was a list of facts. Nothing superfluous. Very you.”
He hopes that is a positive.
“Your style of chess is a giveaway too. Very logical. And against anyone with one iota of sense it works, I’m sure. But against me, well. I’m not very sensible, am I?”
“Your tactics are quite ingenious. I found myself thoroughly engaged while playing you.”
“Thanks, Spock.” Jim squeezes his hands briefly. “You have no idea how much I’d been wanting to play you as myself, not J. That night, Spock, I had every intention of telling you. But then freaking Pike had to interrupt and...” Jim stops with a shake of his head.
“I thought at first you’d guessed it was me, too. But when you asked me about,” Jim’s cheeks flush pink. “Well, you know, on the bridge? I realized you had no idea. I thought the mistletoe thing would be this grand, romantic gesture. Like, we’d be so happy to finally meet in person we’d kiss under the mistletoe and. God, I’m such a pathetic sap. I’m sorry, Spock.” Jim lets go of Spock’s hand.
He does not like how cold his palms grow without the heat of Jim. He wonders if touching the rstof Jim will be as enjoyable. For the first time Spock wants. Spock reaches out and touches two fingers to Jim’s cheeks. Blue eyes stare up at him.
“Jim. You said you loved me. Is that true?”
There is more heat under Spock’s fingertips along with the warmth of Jim’s mind calling out to Spock. If he were to stretch his fingers just slightly he could meld them. He has never wanted anything more in his life. This new feeling of desire is so overwhelming Spock almost misses Jim’s answer.
“Maybe we should pretend I didn’t say that.”
“I do not wish to.” He strokes his fingers along soft skin down to rough stubble.
Jim’s eyes flutter closed as he leans into the touch.
“Yes,” Jim says softly. As if afraid. Maybe he is. As J, he had admitted to being just as inexperienced with relationships. Spock only thought he knew Jim’s expertise. It was all a mask.
“This is a good thing.”
He leans closer to Jim. With Jim’s eyes closed Spock is not afraid to stare at the handsome face. He wants to share the feeling between the two of them, Vulcan emotional control be damned. “Because I also love you. I am sorry it took me so long to realize it.”
Jim’s eyes fly open just in time for Spock to lean in and brush a kiss against Jim’s surprised lips.
It is a soft kiss, sweet with just lips and the hint of tongue. Before with Nyota and the others he dated, kissing had been tedious. He did not necessarily dislike it. But neither did he like it. With Jim he discovers how pleasant kissing can feel. He wants more, the longer they kiss, wants to press his mouth harder against Jim’s
Jim eases back. Spock wonders if he did something wrong, if perhaps his lack of skill has made it not enjoyable for Jim.
“That was, wow. Spock. I want to do so much to you. With you. But maybe we should take this slow?”
Spock, although he wants more, agrees. He does not want to rush, to possibly disappoint if he cannot reciprocate the way J wants and needs.
“Maybe, just, can we lay down together?”
Jim leads Spock to his bed. He gets in willingly. Before he has a chance to worry, to over think it, Jim is beside him; arms and legs tangled up in a way that is new to Spock. But it feels right to be with Jim like this. His body lets go of its fear, eases against Kirk’s warmth. His mind sighs out relief at their proximity. It recognizes Jim as his.
“Happy New Year, Spock.”
Jim kisses Spock, long and slow. Spock cannot hold back a smile when Jim pulls back, even as he rests his head on Jim’s chest to feel the steady beat of his human heart. When Jim’s hand goes to Spock’s side, he knows Jim is seeking his heartbeat too.
Jim is happy, Spock thinks, revels in their closeness. Spock is happy too.