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Engaging into a relationship you know is doomed is like standing on the edge of the cliff and looking into the void in front of you.
The void is empty, cold, black and threatening. The void reeks of death and you can almost feel an invisible hand of the market reaching to grab you by the ankles and drag you deep down. You can feel the weight of the death‘s grip on your wrists pulling you, seducing you to make the one last final step.
The void is nothing and everything. The void is the darkness of the deep waters with a million fishes. The void is the cold hearted emptiness you only witness in death. It is an empty shadow that is left in your life once a close someone passes. You cannot reach into this shadow, you cannot pull that someone back and never will you get to touch or look or feel them again. The void is the feeling of loss you get when your heart is broken.
The void is nothing, it is like black part of the pupil letting the light pass only one way.
The void is like everything and nothing staring deep into your soul, the void is like a million eyes opening and closing, blinking in unison. Overwhelming you shall you dare to count them. The void is like a million things happening around you so fast you cannot grip a single one of them, cannot catch a glimpse of anything familiar, while everything happening around seems and is indeed familiar.
The void is so many things and colours happening all at the same time that in the end it all mixes into one overarching blinding burning sizzling white. The kind of white you only feel and see looking at the midday horror images. The kind of white hot iron turns.
The void feels dead silent and at the same time it is as if all the music in the world was tuned to maximum turning into the overarching deafening mess. Turning into the high pitched sound only bats would recognise.
The void is when you feel cold and hot all at the same time, the feeling you only get when you are scared to death.
In short the void is the feeling Anthony gets every time his brain inevitably goes back to understanding what they got themselves into. Every time he reminds himself that his mortal 80, maybe 90 years are not but a blink of an eagle’s eye in Loki’s immortal life. The love so strong and so meant to be is not even going to account for 10 percent of Laufeyson’s immortal existence. That is the feeling of a literal heart break.
Engaging in a relationship you know is doomed from the start and still trying to find a way to undoom it every day knowing full well you will fail with 99.99% chance is like hitting the brick wall at a maximum speed of a modern sports car. Over and over. Again and again.
It’s like being bitten by a hungry wild animal, yet consistently every day returning to it expecting a different outcome.
It’s like trying to assemble a jigsaw knowing you lost several pieces somewhere under the table years ago.
It’s like trying to knit a sweater without the scheme. And without any knitting experience. And without the yarn. And without the needles.
It feels pointless and it destroys you day by day. Every time you’d hope to found the key to undoomness and every time you’d realise you yet again failed.
It destroys you on some kind of fundamental level, leaving you with nothing but eternal tiredness day by day.
It’s self destructive yet it feels illegal, impossible, unimaginable to stop trying to undoom it.
It’s a vicious circle with no end in sight repeating day by day and going in circles as the time curves up in existence.
It hurts and it stings, it takes a bit of your light every time. But it still feels a thousand times better than the best feeling you ever had before. Because no matter how many times you hit the wall, you have a damn good reason to keep hitting it. You have a reason to hope to finally break a hole in the wall with this hit you are about to make, you hope to find a secret passage helping the love to bloom without the scare of human mortality.
That is the feeling Loki feels every time he fails again to find a solution to Tony’s mortality. He has been spending a good bit of his waking hours searching for a solution, trying to persuade, trying to reason, to steal, to trick, to win in a fight, to beg, to cry, to take by force, to sacrifice, to blackmail, to trade, to buy, to reach the impossible and break the circle, and turn it all around. Ever since he met Stark he knew what the Norns meant when they foretold him to meet who shall be the greatest love of his live, and who’s meant to be, yet who’s not to keep. Loki’s out of options each day and each day he comes up with a million more. Existing outside of human perception of time, he tries for all of them all at once, yet he wants to spend every waking second next to Tony trying to get as much of their time limited together as possible.
Loki does not know himself if he believes in the success of his ideas but giving up is just not an option. He’s not to let Tony down like this.
Loki does not know if he is a gift or a lifetime curse for Anthony who’s entire existence suddenly became wrapped around trying to become what humans are just not designed to be. Loki knows he’s a lot and he’s too much for any human to bear, he must try to limit himself, yet Anthony never seemed to ask for it. But Loki’s plain existence should simply be way too much for a human to cope with.
Would it be wiser and kinder to just abandon and unexist back from Anthony‘s life? To go back to just three seconds before they met for the first time and just not show up for the occasion? Would this be the right thing to do? Yet was „the right thing“ ever in Loki‘s nature? And thus would „the right thing“ be truly right in his specific case?
Does any of this actually have to do with Stark? Or is it all some kind of an elaborate punishment for all the acts se trickster has done and yet to do in his life time? Would Universe even create a trickster only to punish him for his nature?
All of these questions constantly go around in circles in Loki‘s head hitting of the walls of his skull and rejoining back into the mad dance of the unanswered. Yet finally only one question full of pain and fear prevails among all.
Am I the void? ????
One day Tony finally gets to feel what Loki meant when he said he exists outside of the concept of time. The entire universe is at the tips of Stark’s fingers. He feels heavier and stronger yet lighter and freer outside of existing as human.
Loki succeeded.