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Jimin’s cleaning for the first time in ages when he finds it. It’s a classic brown-and-black Converse shoebox, and Jimin wonders vaguely if he bought a pair and forgot about them, until he notices the shoe size isn’t his.
His stomach drops. Yoongi must’ve left them when he moved out six months ago.
He gently pulls out the box, which isn’t as heavy as he thought it would be. He furrows his brow and opens the lid, then almost drops the box in shock.
Letters. The box is chock-full of them, filed vertically and chronologically. He swallows thickly and pulls out the earliest-dated one; it’s from four years ago, before he and Yoongi started dating, and is addressed to him.
December 12, 2012
Jimin,
Because I’m a wuss, I’ll forego saying this to your face and instead just leave it here: I like you. A whole lot.
I want to tell you but I don’t know how. I’ve tried before and then you just shoot me that goddamn stunning smile and I can’t make words anymore, I can’t even think. You have no idea what you do to me.
I honestly never thought this would get this far, and I was doing pretty well tricking myself into believing it hadn’t, but right now you’re on a date with that weird kid, Taehyung or whoever, and, okay, I might be having a nervous breakdown because what if you two are holding hands or some shit? What if he kisses you at the end? Even worse, what if you kiss him back? What if you’re kissing him right now?
And he’s stupidly handsome, much handsomer than me. There’s no way you don’t like him. So fuck my life, I guess.
Whatever. I’ll just have to get over it. Maybe avoid you a little bit until I can actually look at you without getting dizzy. If you ever find this, Jimin, I give you permission to punch me in the face for being the kind of asshole who can’t confront his feelings until it’s too late. Except you’re not ever going to see this so it doesn’t even matter.
Have a nice life with Taehyung.
—MYG
Jimin puts his hand to his mouth. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, because this was written maybe three months before he confessed to Yoongi and they started dating. The elder had never said anything about Taehyung, ever, so this is news to Jimin. Back then, he didn’t think Yoongi would even consider him. Sure, they had all of the same friends and hung out with the bigger group all the time, but Yoongi had never seemed too interested in talking to him.
He scans the letter once more, then pulls out the next letter. It’s much shorter:
December 15, 2012
Jimin,
So it turns out Taehyung isn’t your boyfriend after all and according to Hoseok you maybe kind of like ME instead, so.
I’m gonna fucking do it, I’m going to tell you I like you. Tomorrow. Get ready.
—MYG
Jimin can’t help but giggle into his hand. This Yoongi, the high school junior Yoongi, was so cute. He glances at the letter’s date and only laughs harder. It was two months before they got together. Yoongi definitely hadn’t confessed the day after he wrote this letter.
Jimin knows he probably shouldn’t delve further—it’ll only end up hurting him and his still-broken heart. But he has a lot of time and no self-control, so he grabs the next one.
December 17, 2012
Jimin,
Okay, so maybe I didn’t confess to you yesterday. Not my fault though. You were wearing a stupid fucking sweater with those stupid fucking sweater paws, so how was I supposed to talk to you without making an idiot of myself? This is all your fault. You have robbed yourself of a timely confession. I hope you’re happy.
—MYG
Jimin snorts into his hand. The next few letters seem to have been written over the next few days.
December 18, 2012
JIMIN, YOU FUCKER,
FUCK YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN SWEATER PAWS. I HATE YOU.
—MYG
December 19, 2012
Jimin,
I swear if you don’t stop wearing sweaters I am going to implode. This isn’t cool. Don’t you want me to confess? You’ve got to stop this.
—MYG
December 24, 2012
Jimin,
This sucks. I’m so pathetic. I’m too afraid to even say hi to you anymore since I froze up today at Seokjin’s dumb Christmas party and said the same fucking syllable like 15 times in a row. What’s wrong with me? You probably thought I was a total creep you’d never want to date. Shit. Fuck my life. I can’t do this.
—MYG
Jimin vaguely remembers that party—everyone had on their tackiest sweaters. Yoongi stopped him in front of the drinks table to say something but for some reason just opened and closed his mouth for a few seconds before clearing his throat and walking away. Hyung is so cute, he thought.
Jimin’s got a massive smile on his face, and if there was any stopping him from reading the letters before, there certainly isn’t now.
The next letter is from the day of Jimin’s confession. Yoongi offered to walk him home after their friend group spent the night at Hoseok’s house to celebrate his birthday. He agreed, of course; his crush on the elder was by that time so massive that nothing seemed interesting if it didn’t involve Yoongi.
It was a beautiful morning, and Jimin confessed totally on accident. Yoongi just stared, then shrugged and said, “I guess I like you too.”
Jimin beamed. “So do you want to be my boyfriend?” He was so excited that he could barely keep from jumping up and down.
“I was just about to ask you the same thing,” Yoongi replied, grinning.
They walked the rest of the way home hand in hand.
Back in the present, Jimin unfolds the letter.
February 19, 2013
Jimin,
You made me cry today, you asshole.
But it was from happiness, so I guess I forgive you.
—MYG
Jimin smiles, tears welling up as he goes through maybe thirty more letters of Yoongi recounting dates, confessing adoration, using the word love for the first time to describe their relationship, and describing how beautiful Jimin was no matter what he was doing.
He’s really crying, soon, because he fucking misses Yoongi and the letters are bringing back so many memories that used to be happy. Because Yoongi doesn’t love him like this anymore. He got tired of Jimin, so they broke it off and the elder moved out of their apartment and into Namjoon’s flat.
There are only three letters left, the oldest of which was written maybe three months after the one before that. It’s an unprecedented time gap, and Jimin almost dreads opening it. Even after half a year of separation, he still isn’t sure he’ll be able to handle the reality that Yoongi’s feelings faded.
He opens it anyway, with trembling hands.
March 22, 2016
Jimin,
I’m getting tired.
The first sentence hits him like a punch to the gut, but he forces himself read on.
I wish Kim Taehyung would stop third-wheeling on our dates. It’s annoying, honestly. Not to mention he touches you a lot. Which isn’t that big of a deal. I know he’s your best friend, and that’s fine.
It’s just, sometimes I wonder who you’d really rather spend time with. He’s romantic and loud and adventurous and gorgeous, and I’m, well, not. But I believe you love me. I do. I’m just having a hard time convincing myself that you don’t love him, too.
I wonder what you’d think of me if you knew how I felt about all of this. I don’t think you’d be angry, but I also don’t want you to think I’m turning into one of those overbearing, possessive boyfriends.
I don’t know. Maybe I am.
—MYG
Jimin gapes at the letter. Wait, what? He thought Yoongi liked spending time with Taehyung. They always seemed to get along; Jimin wouldn’t have invited his best friend as often if he’d thought otherwise.
He scans the paper again. The letter was dated just before their relationship started turning sour—when Yoongi started acting more and more distant and was less inclined to spend time with Jimin. And Jimin had always interpreted that as Yoongi’s resentment for and dissatisfaction with him, which at the time he considered a reasonable conclusion.
But Yoongi had never exactly said that he was tired of Jimin or that he didn’t like him anymore. He just… stopped holding Jimin’s hand and started sleeping on the edge of the bed and got too quiet too often. Really, though, was that not explanation enough? Surely it wasn’t strange for Jimin to have thought so.
The next letter is dated two days before they broke up and is markedly different from the rest. It’s not written on the usual generic postal paper but rather on blue-lined paper that had been messily ripped apart from a spiral notebook. The handwriting is sloppier than usual, and almost every line is rendered difficult to read by little circles of splotched ink.
Jimin’s heart seizes. He’d been drunk when he wrote this. And he’d been crying, too.
May 6, 2016
Jimin,
I can’t take this anymore
Fuck Taehyung
No this is all just fucking stupid it’s all in my head. We had a fight today for I don’t even remember what but you were mad at me for more than just whatever we were fighting about and I don’t know maybe you know I hate Taehyung and now you hate me because I get so fucking jealous all the damn time and yesterday when you weren’t there I told him to get the fuck off of you because you are MY BOYFRIEND and not HIS BOYFRIEND and he probably told you what a territorial piece of shit I am and now you probably think I suck which I do because at this point I can’t even watch you hug him without wanting to break his stupid perfect nose
I know you guys aren’t fucking or anything and I know you’d never cheat on me and I know I was being unfair to him because he’s a good person and so are you and neither of you are trying to do this to me, it’s just me being stupid and possessive and I fucking hate myself for it, probably even more than you hate me
I don’t think I deserve you Jimin
I love you but we aren’t working out and it’s all my fault and you keep getting sadder every day and I think maybe we should stop
You would be happier with Taehyung
I love you
I wish I could make you happy but all I ever do is fuck everything up and I don’t know how to fix it anymore
Yoongi
Jimin puts down the crumpled, tear-stained letter and bites his bottom lip as a new wave of tears hits him.
What an idiot. Why couldn’t Yoongi have just told him that he felt that way? Then maybe they wouldn’t have broken up. Maybe they’d still be together. Maybe he’d still be waking up with Yoongi’s arms around him every morning.
Jimin pulls his phone out of his pocket and texts Taehyung. Was Yoongi-hyung ever mean to you?
He sits nervously for a couple of minutes until Taehyung responds. Yeah, once. Something about me touching you? Idk.
Why didn’t you tell me?!??
I don’t know! He was pretty buzzed so I was like okay whatever dude. Plus I did kind of feel bad about hanging all over you even tho you had a bf. Why?
I can’t explain right now but I don’t know if breaking up with him was the right decision anymore
Wtf does that mean???
He ignores Taehyung’s text and grabs the final letter anxiously. It’s dated the day Yoongi moved out.
May 12, 2016
Jimin,
I move out today. Namjoon said he’d set up a room for me, so I’ll be okay. I’ll be miserable, but okay.
I’m going to miss you.
I love you.
—MYG
Before he knows it, Jimin is grabbing the shoebox, throwing his sweater on, and running out the door.
He’s at Namjoon’s place, panting with his hands on his knees, before he’s even fully registered what he’s doing. It’s only when he’s already rung the buzzer that he thinks twice about this.
What if Yoongi isn’t there? What if he found his own place? And on top of that, they haven’t seen each other since the breakup. What if Yoongi found someone else or decided he hates Jimin?
He fidgets as he waits for someone to answer the door, and he’s about to text Namjoon when the door suddenly opens.
“Namjoon, I swear if you forgot your goddamn k—”
The voice stops abruptly as soon as its owner sees Jimin.
It’s Yoongi. He looks like he just woke up, with his messy hair and sweatpants.
They stare at each other, stunned, before Yoongi hurriedly runs his fingers through his hair, clears his throat. “Hello.”
“Hi,” Jimin breathes.
“Are you, uh. Are you looking for Namjoon? Because he already left.”
Jimin shakes his head. “No, I was looking for you.”
Yoongi seems to shrink into himself, but his expression stays guarded. “Why?”
“We need to talk.”
“About what?”
Jimin holds up the box. “About this.”
The elder looks nonplussed for a second or two before his eyes go wide. “Where the hell did you find that?”
“You left a box of letters under our—under my bed.”
“Holy—holy shit. Oh my god. Did you read—all of them?”
Jimin nods. “Yeah.”
Yoongi puts a hand to his face. “This is fucking humiliating.” He glares at Jimin through his fingers. “I don’t see what we have to talk about, though, seeing as you have the whole damn story.”
“I do have the whole story,” Jimin agrees, heart pounding painfully. “But you don’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
Jimin looks over Yoongi’s shoulder. “Can I come in?”
The elder hesitates. “I guess. It’s pretty messy, though.” He opens the door farther and steps back.
“I don’t care, I haven’t cleaned in a long—” Jimin stops and goes red. He always kept things neat and clean before they broke up.
Yoongi sends him a wide-eyed look. “Oh,” he says, before turning away awkwardly and leading him into the apartment’s living room. He clears his throat. “So do you want to sit here or do you want to go to my room?”
“Here is fine,” Jimin says.
They sit down on the couch, stiffly facing each other. “So,” Yoongi says. “Why do we need to talk about my embarrassing letters?”
“Because,” Jimin replies, “they tell a different story than the one I remember.”
Yoongi gives him a skeptical look. “What’s that mean?”
“I mean—I thought we were breaking up for reasons that were different from the reasons you thought we were breaking up for. I had absolutely no idea you didn’t like Taehyung.”
Yoongi’s eyes are wide as saucers. “He didn’t tell you about… that one time?”
“No,” Jimin says, “not until I texted him half an hour ago and asked about it.”
“I’m sorry, Jimin,” Yoongi says. “I was acting like an infant.”
Jimin shrugs. “I forgive you.”
“I kno—” He stops, incredulous. “Wait, what? Just like that?”
“Yeah. It’s okay.” Jimin looks down at his hands. “I mean. I’m more upset that you didn’t tell me how you were feeling.”
Yoongi bites his lip. “I guess—I guess that would’ve been the more mature thing to do.” They sit in silence for a few seconds before he adds, “But why did you think we were breaking up?”
“Oh! Right.” Jimin blushes and averts his eyes. “I… I thought you… um… got tired of me.”
Yoongi stares. “No, Jimin, I never—I’d never get tired of you.”
Jimin smiles slightly. “And I wouldn’t ever hate you for getting a little jealous.”
“So then we broke up for no reason,” Yoongi mumbles.
“No, there was a reason.” Jimin bit his lip. “We didn’t communicate.”
And then they’re gazing wordlessly at each other like they used to, back when they would wake up in the mornings, still holding each other, and half a year falls away in an instant.
“I missed you,” Jimin says. “I still do.”
“I—I missed you too.”
“Do you still?”
“Of course I do.” He cups Jimin’s cheek with his hand and strokes it with his thumb. “Please tell me six months wasn’t enough time for you to find somebody new.”
Jimin puts his hand over Yoongi’s, his heart soaring. “It wasn't. It's still hard waking up to an empty bed.”
“Really? Even though I was acting like a goddamn eight-year-old?”
Jimin pouts and leans into Yoongi’s touch. “Stop it, hyung, you’re ruining the moment.”
Yoongi smiles, and it’s so bright and Jimin can’t look away. “You know you don’t have to call me that anymore.”
“Okay, then, stop it, Yoongi, you’re ruining the moment.”
They both laugh at that, and as soon as their laughter subsides, Yoongi leans in and presses his lips to Jimin’s. Warmth spreads through the younger like a hot drink on a chilly day, because their lips still fit together perfectly, and if there’s a feeling more euphoric than this one, Jimin’s never felt it.
“I still love you, Jimin,” Yoongi says when he pulls away. “I want you back. I want to wake up to your face every morning again.” He swallows. “What do you say?”
Jimin grins. “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”
Yoongi pulls him close. “You didn’t say you love me, though.”
Jimin shifts onto his lap. “I love you, Yoongi. I never stopped.” He wraps his arms around Yoongi’s waist and pulls him in for another kiss.
No, Jimin thinks, there’s no better feeling than this.
(Namjoon comes home, with Taehyung and a large box of fried chicken in tow, to find Park Jimin perched on Yoongi’s lap, giggling and littering the elder’s face with kisses.
Namjoon and Taehyung gawk at each other.
“Hi, guys,” Jimin calls, glancing up from Yoongi to smile brightly at the pair.
“When did this happen?” Namjoon says, pointing at them.
“Fuck off, Namjoon,” Yoongi grumbles, tightening his arms around Jimin’s waist.
Taehyung grabs Namjoon’s wrist, leading him into the kitchen. “You better tell me the whole story later, Jimin!” he calls.
“Don’t worry, I will,” Jimin assures him before turning his attention back to Yoongi. “Now where’d we leave off? Oh yeah. Sweater paws.”
Yoongi scowls. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Nope,” Jimin says. He grins. “Guess who’s going to wear sweaters a lot more often now? If the answer is Park Jimin, are you going to implode?”
“Oh my god,” Yoongi groans before burying his nose in Jimin’s neck. “If my dumb letters weren’t the reason we’re back together then I would burn them.”
“Don’t say that. They’re adorable.”
Yoongi looks up at him. “Not compared to you.”
It’s Jimin’s turn to groan.)