Chapter Text
“We can learn how to start again"
Late in the afternoon, Kuan Jui had proposed that he and Zhang Hao go out one last time to an Itaewon club, “for old times sake”, he had said; and there was no way he could decline.
Afterall, that was it, their last night of liberty. Right before he would enter Boys Planet.
It was the only night they had left before they would be thrusted into the public eye of idol-hood. And one thing was being a trainee, where you are at least protected by the “I won’t say I saw you in the Gay bar, because that would mean I was at the Gay bar”.
But another thing would be going to this type of establishment in the future in the (hopefully) peak of their career, with millions of fans watching and following his every move.
So, here Hao was: half-drunk, dancing with strangers in a crowded club, days away from stepping onto one of the most-watched idol reality shows in Korean TV history.
In a moment of retrospection he wondered what he was doing. He knew Yuehua wouldn't be particularly happy with his whereabouts...
Of course, dancing and singing in a room surrounded by hot sweaty men in tight outfits is only allowed if you’re a kpop idol, on stage, cheered on by a crowd of female fans… but definitely not in a gay club.
By now, men were clearly attempting to flirt with him. He knew he could kiss anyone there, he could take someone home, pretend to himself that he was in love, use them, and forget them.
He humored some of them, dancing closely and mouthing along to some romantic or flirty line of a song. It was his last night of freedom afterall and with a sip of alcohol, and low lights everything seems romantic and free.
But as the night continued and the crowd became tighter, Hao realized that liberty didn’t seem as enticing with the bittersweet prospects of the future.
The air felt suffocating. The alcohol tasted sour and the lights felt blinding.
Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Kuan Jui, who was animatedly chatting with a drag queen, likely complimenting her performance. Hao smiled; Jui always gave flowers to the queens, years of traditional dancing had made him value anyone that got proudly on stage.
"Hey, can I steal my friend for a minute? He has my lighter," Hao asked, pulling Jui toward the smoking area outside the bar
“Are you okay? You know I don’t carry a lighter," Jui said, amused.
"I know, I just needed an excuse to talk to you without being rude," Hao admitted, leaning against the wall.
Jui raised an eyebrow. "What’s up? Need me to wingman you? Or are you already leaving with someone? *cough* slut"
“No, no. I just wanted some fresh air. Everything's coming down. It’s like the illusion is fading. This life is over,” Hao explained.
“Well, don’t worry I can always kiss you goodnight if you miss it,” Jui jokes.
“I’m serious, everything is crashing down…”
“Hey, please tell me what's wrong? Jui softened, realizing his friend was serious.
“Well, every night we go out, kiss a stranger or two and for that night we pretend we're in love. Scream songs about love in each other's faces. Just for the next day to go home and forget their names. I'm tired of it," Hao sighed.
"Don't you think you deserve something more ?" asked Kuan Jui, tilting his head slightly as he looked back thoughtfully.
“We’re kpop idols, well at least that's what we want to be. I don’t think more is possible even if we were straight, let alone be in a stable relationship with a man,” he sighed. "Ever since I was young I've felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me. I've never seen anyone like me in a stable relationship. Let alone a couple being able to grow old together. This is the only thing I know."
"I get it." he muttered looking at the dark sky. "I really do".
“Back in Fujian, I had accepted it, you know. This ‘lifestyle’. I had my small community, my queer friend group. The male “friends” .. and then my female friends, which made everyone else jealous. If only they knew that they were the biggest lalas you’ve ever met.” Hao chuckled bitterly. "I was out, I was open, and now we’re going backwards."
Jui placed his hand on the other shoulder and sighed, “We’ve learnt to live like this before, we’ve dealt with the homophobia, the comments, the snares and maybe we can learn how to start again.”
“I won’t hide it, sure I won’t scream it from a rooftop, but I won’t go back,” Hao stated.
Jui smiled softly, extending his pinky. "And that’s a promise."
They sat in silence, even without any more words they understood each other perfectly. The silence was loud enough. They held each other's hand as the night went on.
If platonic soulmates existed, that would be them. Zhang Hao and Kuan Jui.
“Get Out of The Shadows”
Hanbin sat in his room. He had already diligently packed, he had said goodbye to his closest university friends.
He wondered if that would be his last day of normalcy. He wondered if when he came back it would be the room where a famous korean idol grew up in, or if it would remain a bedroom full of unfulfilled dreams.
There were only a few belongings left around his room.
And in the corner, peeking out of one of the last books he read was a note:
“Get out of the shadows. You are so subtle with the ways you show your love: waiting behind for a friend even though you have somewhere to be, driving someone home every night, spending your free time teaching them every move of a choreography, sharing your favorite ice cream flavor.
There is love and care put into every single action of yours. There's tenderness in every word you say. There is a comforting beauty about you that not many notice, but the one who notices it can never see anything else.
You don't say much, never make the first move and that's why you're always a moment too late.
You're a what if, and you deserve to be more.
You deserve to be someone's reality, but you won't be if you don't let yourself be seen.
Put yourself in the spotlight for once, it will pay off. You deserve to be noticed and loved, so give yourself that chance.
Because even in your own stories you are in the background. A backup dancer in someone else’s performance.
So get out of the shadows, because a real opportunity is about to begin. ”
It had written it after a particularly hurtful breakup - if he could even call it that.
It was less a breakup than a blurred friendship that turned into something more painful, a situationship at best.
Hanbin had never been in an official relationship, only fleeting moments - stolen kisses, late-night hookups, and the endless yearning that seemed to haunt his every interaction.
Trainee life didn’t allow for much more than that. Between the grueling hours of practice and the constant scrutiny, that was all he could allow himself to have.
He knew Idol Producer would be a new chapter. He knew the idol hood meant sacrificing part of himself. He’d gone through it before being a trainee, sanitizing his image. “Fix that waist there, change the pose, tone it down…”
He was ready to become the perfect idol - polished, flawless, with no distractions. And yet, as he stared at the note, the words urging him to “get out of the shadows” gnawed at his mind.
Was that even possible? He had spent so long hiding, blending into the background of his own life, playing the supporting role in other people’s stories.
Could he really step into the spotlight and allow himself to be seen - fully, vulnerably, as he was?
With Boys Planet ahead, all of his hard work and sacrifices were about to culminate. He could let his hard work go to waste, he was ready to become the perfect idol, no distractions.
He would erase the rough edges, to smooth over the cracks in his carefully constructed image. He would disappear behind the perfect mask.
Whatever dreams he had once allowed himself to entertain about being seen, being known, being loved - those were luxuries he could no longer afford.
“Learn To Live While Falling”
That night, as the dorms quieted and the lights dimmed, Taerae lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling.
The soft hum of other trainees murmuring in their rooms was a distant background noise to the pounding in his chest. He could feel the weight of the upcoming competition pressing down on him. Boys Planet. A show designed to make or break futures.
He never thought he’d end up here - surrounded by dancers and trainees fighting to become idols.
Taerae had always wanted a quiet life. A singer-songwriter, performing on a small stage with a guitar. Nothing like this. He’d never been the type to steal the spotlight, to demand attention.
Afterall, he had been a shy church boy, mostly singing there. But that felt like a lifetime ago.
Unable to sleep, he looked around his room. The only thing he could see was Hanbin scrolling through his phone, casting a faint blue light over his face.
Even in the chaos of packing and practicing, there were only two words going through his mind: Park Hanbin.
His heart ached.
For a long time, Taerae had tried to deny he had feelings for his best friend. He tried to suppress the way his heart raced when Hanbin walked into the room, how he found himself laughing just a little louder at his jokes, or how his eyes lingered on him just a little too long.
But it was impossible. The feelings kept bubbling to the surface, no matter how hard he tried to stop them.
Sometimes he wished he had stopped himself from falling in love. But by the time he realized what those feelings meant, it was already too late.
He didn’t want to be the boy who fell in love with his best friend, especially when that best friend was another man. Especially when that best friend was Hanbin; bright, talented, and impossibly kind Hanbin.
Taerae tried to sleep, he knew Boys planet would be hard and he needed the rest, but his mind would not fall silent. He tried to shut the feelings down, at least for the night.
Unable to calm his thoughts, and desperate to sleep, Taerae returned to old habits.
He knelt at the side of his bed. His knees pressed into the cold floor. Fingers digging into his temples as if he could press the thoughts away, as if he could force his heart to stop beating so loudly in his chest.
Across the room, Hanbin didn’t pay him any mind; after all, he was used to seeing Taerae pray before bed, especially under stress.
But tonight, as Taerae fell to his knees, he couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering back to Hanbin’s as the phone lighting surrounded his face angelically.
His heart was a battlefield, torn between devotion and desire, and in the midst of it all was Hanbin.
So he prayed. “God,” he whispered, “I don’t want to love him.”
The thought of Hanbin made his heart ache in a way that felt holy and sinful all at once. Taerae thought back to all the moments they had shared—the late-night conversations, the stolen glances, the way Hanbin’s hand had lingered on his shoulder just a moment too long. It felt like heaven, but also a quiet hell.
As he sat there, eyes squeezed shut, he remembered the sermons about sin, the warnings about temptation. He had been taught to believe that love between two men was wrong.
But how could something that felt so pure, so natural, be so wrong? If love was supposed to be divine, why did his love feel like something that would condemn him?
His chest tightened as he thought about the competition ahead; he felt like a cracked stained-glass window barely holding together under the weight of his feelings.
He thought “A dorm filled with over a hundred men. He would have to keep his distance, guard his heart, hide every part of himself that wanted to reach out to Hanbin.”
His fingers curled into the sheets as he whispered a final prayer into the dark.
“Lord, let this go away. Let me focus. Let me debut. Let me be the idol I’ve trained to be. But most of all, please… let me forget about him. About Hanbin.”
But even as the words left his lips, he knew they were a lie. He didn’t want to forget Hanbin. He didn’t want to forget the way he felt when they were together, the way his heart leapt when Hanbin smiled at him or told a joke. The truth was, he didn’t want to stop loving him.
He pressed his palms together, letting out a shaky breath, and for the first time in months, he stopped asking for the feelings to go away. Instead, he prayed for courage.
“God, if I can’t stop loving him… at least give me the strength to carry this love without breaking.”