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“Too many goddamn mugs in this apartment,” is what Althea said as Wade sleepily shuffled into the kitchen. She was standing off to the side to avoid the broken glass on the floor. Wade ended up kicking a shard under the fridge by mistake with his fluffy slippers as he noticed them. An odd, but familiar feeling dawned upon him as he tried to pick up a shard. His left arm was missing. To anyone else this would be alarming to say the least–world shattering was more like it–but to Wade this was just an inconvenience equivalent to getting his car towed. Sure, he would get it back but it was the waiting that was the problem.
“All clean, Althea.” He mumbled as he dumped the small pile into the trash. She turned toward the couch, mug in hand, without another word.
Wade reached to the highest shelf to pull down his Hello Kitty mug and filled it to the brim with his preferred ratio of sugar cookie creamer and a dash of coffee. As he was finishing up the pot of joe, he heard Al say “Scoot over” to Mary Puppins (he assumed). However, there was a gruff noise that made him become wide awake. Wade stomped over to the front of the couch with a mug in hand and robe on, like an angry mother.
“Good morning to you too, sunshine.” He said in a prickly voice. Logan sat in front of him on the couch with his phone a mere few inches away from his face. He had no response. Wade shrugged his shoulder out of the robe and leaned over so far that he nearly spilled coffee into Logan’s lap in order to attempt to smack (more like pat) his miniscule hand across Logan’s cheek.
“What the fuck was that?!” Logan said, looking up at Wade with horror that melted into disgust when he saw the tiny hand that just barely budged out of a stump.
“What do you mean ‘ that’ ? Whatever do you mean? Oh this? My baby hand ?! That’s from YOU and whatever the fuck happened yesterday!”
“Oh get over yourself-” Logan said while rolling his eyes.
“Get over what? That you have a problem?!”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Wilson?” Wade scoffed at Logan’s annoyed expression.
“Oho, dumb doesn’t look cute on you, sugar.”
“You sure you’re not healing from brain damage either?” Logan cocked an eyebrow as he peered at the hysterical, scarred man in Squishmallow slippers.
“You wanna talk about brain damage sunshine? How about you talk about how you have been sitting your voluptuous ass on our couch since who knows when playing your fucking FARMVILLE GAME.” Wade’s genuine anger hung in the air for a second as they both (Althea had gone already, she recognized a lovers’ quarrel) processed Wade’s claim. “Okay, you know what, when I say it like that…” Wade attempted to pinch his nose with his small hand before he sighed in frustration. Logan watched this all unfold while being fairly unphased and still tapping away on his smartphone; at this point, he was learning to ignore Wade in order to “not give that conversation his energy” as Colossus suggested wisely. Granted, he only managed to ignore him every now and again, but he tried.
“Think about yesterday. Can’t remember much? Oh that’s probably because the great and mighty Wolverine, who is a handsome old fuck might I add, and emphasis on ‘old’, has turned into an iPad baby.”
“I genuinely have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” Logan grumbled.
“Oh really? Well let’s close our eyes, hold hands, click our heels, and have a flashback.”
***
The two most “qualified heroes,” and emphasis on the quotations, had a job to do. They were not the best at what they did, which wasn’t very nice, but hey, what can you do when you have a problem that’s too morally ambiguous to call Captain America? You call the ketchup and mustard duo. Before Wade was down a limb and Logan was up by three digital horses, they were hired to teach a kingpin a lesson. But before that, Logan got a smartphone.
Wade had become sick of not being able to find Logan, as he had a habit of disappearing without a word and then coming back days later. So one evening, Wade shoved a phone in Logan’s big hands and forced him to sit down as he told him how to use it…
“I know how to use a phone, dumbass.”
“But do you gramps?”
“Yeah, Jubes had a whole day-long lesson, alright? I’m a fast learner unlike you.”
“Okay then, dash us some Chinese food from that place we like.”
Logan growled and smacked the phone into Wade’s open palm.
“Yeah that’s what I thought, babe.” And so Wade showed Logan how to use emojis, do a voice-to-text message, and how to use a Google calendar. “See? Now our dates are on the same calendar and they’re color coded.” Wade pressed the home button for Logan and handed it back to him.
“What’s this?” Logan said, pointing to one of the square images on the homescreen that had a bushel of wheat on it.
“Oh that’s a farm game. It’s kinda only for sad, old people with gambling addictions, so you’d fit right in, honey. Let’s sign you up!”
The app launched and Logan winced at the loud Moooo! that came blasting out of the phone speaker.
And that was that for the rest of the night. Wade left Logan to it while he attempted to cook a frozen lasagna. Wade didn’t pay much mind to how Logan was practically glued to his phone for the rest of the night, he figured he would eventually get bored.
The next morning, Logan asked for Wade’s username.
“I’m too lit to be on farmville.”
“The fact that you said ‘lit’ says otherwise, chulo.” Laura quipped from the dining table where she sat with Althea eating her eggs; it was tradition for her to stop by for a Tuesday brunch, and this week was no different.
“Yeah, well, one day you’re gonna be a hundred years old like your old man and… oh who am I kidding. You’ll still be cool, fuck!”
Laura smirked at Wade’s defeat.
“Okay maybe I had a farm at one point. Give the phone here, sugarbear.” Wade gestured toward Logan and he put the phone into his palm.
“‘WadeTheeStallion?’” Logan asked, cocking an eyebrow, when he got the phone back. Wade simply bent over in an overly sexualized fashion and gestured toward his ass. Logan scoffed at this in disgust and Laura rolled her eyes.
“Wade, this is a piece of shit.”
“Okay, the fact that you’re thinking that my lack of progress in an outdated farm game is what tells you if I’m a worthy human being says a lot more about you than me. Trust, you’ll get bored of this soon.”
***
Newsflash: Wade was wrong. They had a mission to complete and Logan was still distracted. Normally, Logan was the one that was ready first, the one reminding Wade to grab his ammo bag, but instead he was sitting on the couch dressed in his yellow and blue.
“It’s one thing to be fashionably late, pumpkin, but c’mon you big fucking pile of muscle-” Logan growled as Wade tried to drag him off the couch. He obliged but his phone was still glued to his eyes. As they rode in the taxi, masked and mysterious, Wade became more and more irritated as Wolverine was quiet. Normally he was quiet, but his lack of reaction to Wade’s comment is what drove him mad. Jokes that would get Wade incinerated on the spot if he stepped foot in a church were uttered without so much as a glance in the rearview mirror from Logan. Wade sighed in relief when Logan tucked the phone into his yellow spandex.
“Is that a phone in your pocket or are you just rock hard for me?” Wade asked, adjusting his mask back over in his mouth.
“Shut up.” Logan stared up at the numbers that ticked by in the elevator.
“Sounds like something someone with a painful boner would say. That growl! Sexy!”
“Wilson.” Logan said gruffly.
Wade squealed to himself as the elevator dinged and the doors opened. The top floor of the business office was suspiciously sterile. At first glance, everything appeared normal, but if you looked for too long you could tell that no one actually worked there. Logan held up his hand as his ears picked up on the muffled laughter and conversation of a closed off room to the right of the elevator. He wordlessly pointed in that direction and signaled to the “mouth” in red beside him to be quiet, even though he knew it was a request that would not be met. Logan led Wade toward where the noise was coming from. As they got closer, Wade began to be able to hear the same muffled conversation; Logan was able to pick up the thud of a table being stabbed repeatedly as they grew closer to the conference room door. Wade silently drew his guns from the holsters on his hips and waited for the signal: the sknit! of adamantium claws. He heard it and fired at the door handle, sending it slamming open.
“Hope we’re at the right bachelorette party, because I think this bride-to-be ordered some grade-A strippers!”
“Where’s your daddy?” One of the men spat.
“Oo, you know what? First of all, I think you and I would really get along. Second, Wolvie can smell jealousy. And third, he’s short sometimes, so that’s why you missed him but today he’s 6’3 and- the fuck?” Wade swung his head around to see the sack of muscle and metal missing from his side. And Logan was about to go in behind Wade when a rooster crow from inside his suit made him pause and check it. Wade screamed bloody murder as a sword the length of his leg thumbtacked his arm to the wall with a sickening sound.
“ MOTHERFUCKING FARMVILLE! ”
He made a promise to himself to smash Logan’s phone and he thought this is how parents must feel when they find their 11 year old doing tik tok dances – a specific kind of disappointment and anger at a monster he created.
“WOOOLVIE! IT'S NOW OR NEVER YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
“Oh shit.” Logan mumbled as he shoved his phone back into his suit and ran into the room, claws swinging.
***
“Aaaand scene! God , that was a long flashback.” Wade groaned. “Remember where we are? About to have an intervention for your crippling iPad baby syndrome? And even though it’s technically my fault for giving you that phone, I still reaped the consequences?”
“I think it’s ‘reaping the benefits’, dumbass.”
“I’ve never received any benefit in my life, babe, not all of us can be so privileged. ” Logan rolled his eyes at this comment; he knew he would win against Wade if they had a trauma competition but he stayed quiet.
“Listen, Laura is going to be here for brunch in… fifteen minutes.” Wade glanced at the cuckoo clock on the wall. “You’re not dressed, you’ve barely moved, and how long have you been awake?”
“What makes you think you can order me around, huh?” Logan stood up and Wade tried not to grin when Logan’s shadow towered over him.
“Because that’s all you do to me! ‘Wade pick up your underwear,’ ‘Wade, don’t have sex in the living room,’ ‘Wade, don’t do cocaine when my daughter comes over,’ ‘Cinderella, Cinderella!’” Wade mocked.
“God damn are you two not done yet?!” The two swung their heads to see Althea standing in the kitchen, clearly impatient.
“Readers are saying the same thing.” Wade mumbled as he walked around Logan in a huff. “This is not over!” he swore as he walked into the bathroom.
By the time Laura was knocking on the door, Logan and Wade had changed out of their pajamas and the smell of bacon filled the apartment. Laura, who was about as talkative as Logan, surprised Wade when she asked him a question.
“So, did you join this game he's playing?” Laura asked.
“OH MY GOD-!” Laura shot Wade a look that brought his voice down to a whisper. “He asked you too?! C’mon this is a new low Wolvie.”
“What’re you saying?”
“I’m saying that making you join him in this is a bit too much. Like me? Yeah, he bothers me with the lowly shit, but you? Lead by example!”
“First of all, he’s not making me do shit and second of all I think it’s kinda… I don’t know. It’s nice to see him have a stupid hobby. He takes everything so fucking serious all the time.”
“Yeah, but he's addicted! You see what happens? The dangers of mobile games?” Wade waved his baby arm in her face and immediately regretted it when she bared her teeth just a little bit.
“He's better off than how mine was, cabrón; or when you met him, remember?” Laura bringing up that she knew a different Logan always made Wade's gut twist in guilt. Besides feeling bad for the desecration of a corpse, Wade always felt sorry that she had him taken away from her.
“Listen, set a screen limit or something, I don't know. I don't think the bastard has had a moment of free time in his damn life, yeah? Jesus, set some boundaries.”
Wade sighed dramatically–he knew she was probably right.
***
In the late evening, the two sat together on the couch and Logan, begrudgingly, showed Wade his digital livestock.
“They have names?” Wade asked as he noticed one being named “Cinnamon.”
“Some of ‘em, you have to name them.”
“Do you really? ‘Cause I don’t remember-” Wade stopped himself when he noticed an auburn horse come galloping into the screen who had a name tag that read “Jean.” “Oh Logan that’s not…” Wade winced and tried his absolute hardest to not rag on Logan for this pathetic move.
“It came like that.” He said, his face growing red. “Tell anyone, Wilson, and I’ll kill you.”
“ God , I hope I get put out to pasture with Jean the horse -” Logan’s claws pushed the tip of Wade’s scarred nose upwards. “Okay, okay! Jesus.” Wade held his hands up in surrender. He watched Logan tap away for a few more minutes before he broke the silence with a deep sigh and a sugary sweet tone.
“Lo’, I don’t mind you being addicted to a game for 4chan users but all I ask is that you don’t let my head get chopped off when we work… And maybe look at me from time to time, that’s really all I ask.” Logan gave Wade a side eye. He sighed and turned the phone off with a small click.
“Yeah, alright… Shouldn’t have let myself get distracted the other day.”
“That’s what my mom said when she left me in a grocery store-”
“Shut up.” Logan held up a finger and Wade closed his mouth. “Jus’ don’t think I’ve ever had any free time at all before so this is new for me.”
“Ooo! You can join Al and me in our crochet club!” Logan groaned at the idea and leaned his head back on the couch. “No no no, baby, you’ll like these ladies I swear! They’re total bitches! One only refers to me as ‘deformed motherfucker,’ you’ll love ‘em and they’ll love you!” Logan sighed. “C’mon pleeeease?”
“... okay.”
“YEESS! I’m gonna get you all ready for the next meeting, do not worry.” Wade sprung up from the couch and skipped towards the bedroom.
“Oh, please don’t send me a request for wheat tonight at 2 A.M again, the notification wakes me up and you can literally roll over and ask me.” Wade yelled from another room.
“That’s not me.” Logan replied.
“Really? Your username isn’t ‘LoganHo?’”
“... Nope.”