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INT. - FAR FAR AWAY PALACE. DINING ROOM.
[We cut Shrek to gulping at the dinner table. To his sides sits Fiona who was beside a depressed Spongebob and Queen Lillian, and across from him sits King Harold. Queen Lillian looks around nervously and King Harold glares at Shrek. Shrek, unsure of how to properly eat the food on his plate, plops it in his mouth and grins with the food still stuck in his teeth. Queen Lillian cringes. Fiona tries to sip her drink courteously but lets out a loud belch and covers her mouth]
Fiona: Excuse me.
[Shrek and Fiona laugh]
Shrek: Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona?
Shrek: That's good...
[They stop laughing after neither King Harold nor Queen Lillian join in while SpongeBob is sobbing]
Shrek: I guess not...
[We hear Donkey yelling in another room]
Donkey: What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am.
[Donkey and Patrick comes bursting in the room from the kitchen].
Donkey: Hey! What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place.
[Donkey pulls up a seat next to King Harold]
King Harold: No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
Fiona: No, no, no, Dad! It's all right! It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
Donkey: Yup, that's me. The noble steed. Hey, waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
SpongeBob: All right. Get it together, old boy. I know. I'll just stop thinking about it.[He stares at nothing]Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad.
[Patrick walks up and sits next to Spongebob.]Patrick: Hey, it's the new Krusty Krab 2 manager! [SpongeBob starts crying again]
Patrick: Wow, the pressure's already setting in.
Shrek: Oh, boy...
[Shrek loudly slurps from his bowl]
Fiona: Um, Shrek?
Shrek: Yeah?..Oh! Sorry! Great soup, Mrs. Q. Mmm!
Fiona: No, no. Darling.
[Fiona demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]
Shrek: Oh!
[The rest of the dinner table does the same except for SpongeBob again depressed]
SpongeBob: No, Pat, you don't understand. I didn't get the promotion.
.Patrick: What? Why?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs thinks I'm a... kid.
Patrick: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'm a kid!
[Looks down on his bowl.}
Patrick: Hey, I'm supposed to get a toy with this.[Shrek throws a hand puppet at his face]Thanks.
Queen Lillian: So, Fiona, tell us about where you live.
Fiona: Well…Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?
Shrek: Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and-
Donkey: What?! (laughing) I know you ain't talking about the swamp!
Shrek: (gritting his teeth) Donkey!
Patrick[slapping his forehead]What? That's insane!
King Harold: (sarcastically) An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.
[Donkey dunks his mouth into his bowl and starts drinking]
Queen Lillian: Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children...
[King Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both gag until Shrek spits his spoon out onto the table]
Shrek: (chuckling) It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
SpongeBob: I know...
King Harold: Indeed. I just started eating.
Queen Lillian: Harold!
Shrek: (offended) What's that supposed to mean?
Fiona: Dad. It's great, okay?
Patrick: Are you sure?
King Harold: Well, for his type, yes.
Shrek: My type?!
Donkey: Uhhh-I gotta go to the bathroom.
SpongeBob[sighs] I'm gonna head home, Pat. The celebration's off. I'm not in a Goober mood. [he starts to walk away]
Patrick: Okay, see you.
[The chef and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey, lobster, and a pig.]
Chef: Dinner is served!
Donkey: Never mind. I can hold it.
[The servers set the food on the table]
Chef: Bon appetit!
Donkey: Ooh, Mexican food! My favorite!
Waiter[hands Patrick a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise]And here's your Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, sir.
Patrick: Yum!
[SpongeBob starts to walk back to Patrick]
SpongeBob: A Triple Gooberberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those.
Queen Lillian: Well, let's not just sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in!
Donkey: Don't mind if I do, Lillian.
Patrick[pats SpongeBob on the back]Now, you're talking. Hey, waiter, we need another one over here.
Waiter[handing SpongeBob one]There you go.
Ooh![SpongeBob and Patrick gleefully eat rapidly and get ice cream on everybody while Shrek and King Harold glare at each other, both of them burping after they are done.]
King Harold: So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be
Shrek: Ogres, yes!
SpongeBob: Boy, Pat, that hit the spot. I'm feeling better already.
[King Harold pulls the lobster towards himself, Shrek does the same with the turkey]
Queen Lillian: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
Patrick: Yeah!
King Harold: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young!
[King Harold violently stabs the lobster with a knife]
Fiona: Dad!
Spongebob: Waiter, let's get another round over here.[then the waiter gives them two more. They eat them and get more ice cream on everyone]
Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower!
Both: Whoo![they eat the sundaes and get even more ice cream on everyone]
[Shrek rips off both drumsticks off the turkey and bites them]
Fiona: Shrek, please!
Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Waiter! Two more, please![then the waiter gives them two more]
King Harold: I only did that because I love her!
[King Harold pierces a piece from the lobster and shoves it into the boiler]
SpongeBob: Waiter.[then they eat two more. By this time, the waiter is covered in ice cream. We see Patrick finishing his ice cream]
Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?!
[Shrek rips out the wishbone from the turkey]
Spongebob: Oh, waiter.
King Harold: You wouldn't understand! You're not her father!
[Fiona sighs as Shrek and King Harold continue to rip apart their food, sending bits and pieces flying across the table]
Spongebob: [singsong]Waiter.
Queen Lillian: It's so nice to have the family together for dinner.
Spongebob: [slurring]Wait-or!
[Shrek and King Harold tug over the pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards]
Queen Lillian: Harold!
Fiona: Shrek!
Shrek: Fiona!
King Harold: Fiona!
Fiona: Mom!
Queen Lillian: Harold…
Donkey: Donkey!
SpongeBob: Waiter! [Yelling angrily and pounding on the table. The bowls are stacked sideways]
[The pig lands on the table with a thud at the same time Spongebob slams the table. Fiona looks at Shrek and King Harold and then runs out of the room that is covered in ice cream. The Waiter comes out of the kitchen with two sundaes.]
Waiter[puts a scoop of ice cream on a sundae]Why do I always get the nuts?