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This sudden feeling hit Karamatsu really randomly, his day was going on fine until this feeling of emptiness set like venom eating his thoughts away. The day itself was pretty normal, he woke up, got dressed, fell of the roof while playing (or should I say trying to play) the guitar and just did nothing since his brothers apparently left to go somewhere without telling him; apparently they forgot and he believed them.
For those past few hours he didn't know what to do, so as a good second oldest brother he decided to clean. He cleaned for a few minutes and then he just became too bored to continue so he just sat in a room looking out of the window.
For some reason, he started to feel lonely and for another strange reason his heart started hurt. He didn't know why this was happening, he was totally sure he was happy! Was it because his brothers left him on his own? Not at all, those things happen all the time. It must be normal.
Things like this happened before, once he was kidnapped. Well not actually, in his eyes anyway. He was put through near death situations but it was okay because his brothers totally saved him...
Wait or didn't they? He couldn't remember for some reason he always tries to forget the incident.
Karamatsu just shrugged it off, if he himself tries to block away the memories of the incident then it must've been just a scary one. He remembers how he cried though, and the bandages he had on him, (probably he thought those were his caring brothers who put it on him). He laughed a little, man he was such a hustle for his brothers and they take such good care of him.
He was smiling but he still felt melancholy. Why? Nothing bad happened, well it didnu't matter he should probably try to think up of something good to cheer him up; memories of his brothers were definitely the happiest.
He tried to think up of the most recent good ones but he realised, he couldn't think up of any in 5 minutes.
That means nothing, right? Yes, that only means that he has so many good memories with them he just can't choose one! Memories of fishing with Totty and Osomatsu were great, especially the little jokes they shared like calling him "Painful" that joke was surely funny.
Oh the times with Jyushimatsu! Those are great, singing with him on the roof always made Karamatsu feel overwhelming happiness, though he did always fall of a roof, mainly of Ichimatsu's cats.
Suddenly his stomach turned a little. Not because he disliked Ichimatsu or anything, he just for some reason felt like running everytime he saw him, some people may even call it fear. However, he would never be afraid of his little brother, there was only one emotion he had for his brothers and it was genuine love.
Though, again, everytime he said something, for some reason Ichimatsu would punch him or call him "Shittymatsu" (at first Karamatsu didn't approve of the nickname but if that makes Ichimatsu happy, let him be called that) and sometimes he would break his possessions.
Those were only jokes, right?
Now he didn't feel any better, he started to feel worse and he could feel his eyes getting a bit blurry and starting to water.
Was he crying?
No, he wasn't! He told himself and just wiped away the tears really quickly and just sat there again focused now on not crying rather than thinking happily.
It was very hard though.
"Who am I kidding?..." He whispered and started to laugh an ugly and painful mixture of laughing and crying.
They hated him. That's all he thought in those times; they must have! He was more important than pears to him, those bruises on his arms are not only from falling of the roof, no, they're from his dear brothers who sometimes like to punch them.
Why? He just couldn't understand. At first he thought they hated him for being boring and ignored him and now he changed. He's more cool now but in their eyes he became more painful.
What do they want? He didn't know, he always blocked away the bad memories and smiled like an idiot just because he didn't want to make his brothers upset; he wants them to be happy and never hurt them in any way shape or form.
"So why?!" He wailed and kicked a chair, he winced in pain and grasped his leg to make the pain go away. He could still pretend to be an idiot, as long as it makes everyone happy but...
He was tired, he honestly was. All this acting and being beaten down is just too much, maybe he was weak but he didn't care.
All he actually cared about was the fact that he was tired and he wanted to be alone.
These few moments gave him time to think and they were practically agonising. When his brothers were around he would focus on just getting their attention but now that he's all alone and he can get all his thoughts together he realised a crucial point. He hates himself, his image, his whole stupid act.
Karamatsu girls? Who would love a loser like him?!
Karamatsu began to laugh again, realising another clear fact: his life was a joke. After his laughing and crying fit he just looked at the ceiling and he just thought wouldn't it be horrible if someone just found him laying there, all pathetic?
In truth though, he wanted them to see. He wanted everyone to see, and he wanted to be cheered up a cheesy joke and a line of "You're going to be okay" it would only take that to make him become happy again; genuinely happy.
But no one was there, he was alone. Deep breaths and sighs filled the room as Karamatsu stumbled towards the window and began to look out of it to calm himself. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep, but he also wanted to just never wake up again.
Would there even be a point to continue this charade? It's not like his brothers care, he wants to believe they do but...
He bit his lip and more tears came out. Stumbling and staggering he walked over to the door and decided to go for a walk and it just made him feel worse and worse until he ran.
He ran through streets filled with people, he ran somewhere he didn't know where to run to; in this moment, he had no one.
He stopped mid-way running and saw a tall building and a bolt of "what if?" passed his thoughts.
No, he couldn't! But at the same time, it's not like he fancied the idea of living and his brothers would probably only cry for a few days and just forget about him if he died.
He could end it all, his suffering, his brothers' suffering of being put through with him. He could end it all.
He took a deep breath, balled his hands in his fists and began to walk up the stairs of the building.
___
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---
"Hey Choromatsu!" Osomatsu called out "Can I have the macarons because I think that, I, as the oldest brother should get them all! Hey are you even listening" Osomatsu began to nag.
Choromatsu just sighed and started to move a little quicker "No, Osomatsu-niisan. These are for Karamatsu, we forgot to tell him we were going out so I think these might compensate"
Ichimatsu laughed in a sarcastic manner "Hah, Shittymatsu doesn't deserve 'em"
Choromatsu just rolled his eyes and continued to walk while the other 4 brothers were probably scheming on how to get the macarons.
Not a long time has passed as they arrived at their own house which in their surprise was really quiet. It would make sense since their parents were out but even the lights aren't on and 9pm wasn't primarily a bed time for Karamatsu. "Oi Shittymatsu wake up! We got you something" Ichimatsu said, entering the house; he didn't personally care if Karamatsu got their gift, but it would be a pain in the ass to have gotten him something when he wouldn't even receive it.
No response.
"Shittmatsu?" Ichimatsu called out again this time with a tone of confusion, Jyushimatsu noticed it and called for Karamatsu as well. Soon the other three brothers came from the lobby and sat down to watch TV while Choromatsu went upstairs to get the futon out.
Soon he returned and Jyushimatsu asked "Is Karamatsu-niisan upstairs?" this question received a confused look from Choromatsu and he just replied with a blunt no. But an abundance of curiosity was piqued at the same time and Choromatsu just asked "Why you're wondering Jyushi?" because when Jyushimatsu asked questions they were either because of some dumb or serious thing and there was never a way to tell the difference.
Jyushimatsu replied still with a grin on his face "We can't find him anywhere" by 'we' he meant Ichimatsu and him, Choromatsu thought. Choromatsu's face tensed up, it was true that the house was suspiciously quiet when they came in as if no one was there. Interested, Choromatsu decided to join in searches for Karamatsu in the house.
The shuffling and frantic footsteps got noticed both by Totty and Osomatsu but neither of them actually cared until to the point where started to annoy them.
"Can you three stop, you're big brother is trying to watch something he-" Osomatsu couldn't even finish his sentence when a frantic Choromatsu ran up to him with a huge look of worry spreading to his face.
"Osomatsu, Karamatsu isn't here" Osomatsu was confused for long three seconds (Totty was probably too) then the confusion quickly spread into laughter "Haha, you had me worried there Churro, I thought it was something important, he's probably just trying to find his 'Karamatsu pals' or whatever he calls 'em"
"First of all, it's Choromatsu and not churro" Choromatsu said huffing and then continued "and second of all, he left his sunglasses and leather jacket here, I mean it's the painful Karamatsu. He never leaves them. Heck, he left his own mirror."
Osomatsu still didn't find anything there to worry about it, it was Karamatsu after all. He can be painful without any other crap. But Totty soon said "That is weird, Nii-San I think we should look for him" he said addressing Osomatsu.
Osomatsu grumbled and groggily started to peel himself of the floor he was so comfortably sitting on "Fine, if we find him and nothing's wrong you all owe me a beer" he said and started to go put on his coat on followed by everyone else.
They turned their lights off, closed the door and went searching for Karamatsu.
Probably fifteen minutes passed where they couldn't find any thing and Osomatsu was slowly getting annoyed, really wanting to go home since he was getting really cold. Soon some of the younger brothers started to get cold and tired as well (primarily Todomatsu and Ichimatsu).
Another two or three minutes passed and now everyone was getting too cold and tired to even care anymore, they began to slowly walk back to their home until Todomatsu stopped dead in his tracks staring at something up in the sky, it was hard to tell at the moment what or who he was staring at. Choromatsu noticed that and asked "What's wrong Totty?" Through shaky breaths since the cold was really getting to everyone now.
Totty was practically in another state of mind at that moment but he soon snapped to reality and pointed to a figure on top of a building "Choromatsu-niisan is that...?" It was rather a rhetorical question and Choromatsu quickly looked to the direction of where Totty was pointed and he could make out a figure of a boy in his 20s, wearing a blue hoodie and-
Oh no.
The realisation hit Charamatsu like a metaphorical truck, he was not cold now. He could feel his heart beating quicker quicker quicker.
Beat
Beat
Beat.
Fear spreading through his whole body like an epidemic.
The other three brothers noticed Choromatsu and Totty looking pretty horrified and literally still and at this point no one was bothered. Osomatsu called out for them to follow him but not a single response or a movement was received from Todomatsu and Choromatsu. It was as if their spirit was somewhere else, as if they were frozen.
Osomatsu snapped his fingers infront of their faces getting even more annoyed now "Oi! You two, what are you doing?"
Like a broken doll Choromatsu began to speak with a cracking voice "I... Think we found him"
"Huh?" Was the only thing Osomatsu could say at this point and he followed the gaze of Choromatsu and Todomatsu; Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu did the same.
Soon he (Osomatsu) realised why the terror was riding on his brother's faces, it soon spread to Jyushimatsu and Ichimstsu too.
It has to be Karamatsu standing on the building right? Why would he be doing that? He was just standing there, everyone was so confused. But at the same time everyone was freaking cold and tired, in all honesty Osomatsu cared for all his brothers but in his situation he could care less why Karamatsu stood on that building; probably singing a love serenade to the stars or whatever painful thing he does.
"Heh, it's just Karamatsu doing his own thing you know another one of his painful things, let's just go home. I'm gonna freeze to death haha" Osomatsu said completely brushing off all the worry from his face. But no one else followed "Come on guys, it can't be that bad. Whatever you're thinking... It's Karamatsu-"
Choromatsu's hands started to ball into fists and expression became angrier "Nii-San...... His shoes are of" this shutter Osomatsu up like a switch.
Everyones expressions for quite empty for second, even Osomatsu's. No one knew what to do, or what to say.
He must be joking, Osomatsu thought. Yes it's just a stupid joke, he had to see it. Squinting he could see Karamatsu standing on the building ledge, his feet easily visible.
No.
No.
No.
It was like a chorus screaming in his head. His breathing probably stopped. Turning around he could see all his beothers' faces looking at him, that's right he was the oldest all responsibility was on him, he had to do something but he didn't know what.
The looks from his younger brothers didn't stop and he just started to run, he didn't care. All responsibility was on him so he ran to the building and ran and ran and ran. Everyone else followed.
For some reason his heart hurt; was it because he was worried for himself since all the responsibility was on him or was it because of Karamatsu? Hell he didn't know and there was no time to think.
He continued to run and his brothers continued to follow.
___
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---
It was scary, looking down. It was actually fucking horrifying, actually. Seeing everything to be so small, it all blurred into a single spectrum of colours and noise.
The fear was to the point of feeling as if Karamatsu was about to be sick with his heart literally being thrown up. All of his organs were turning and he just didn't know what to do, he stood there for probably an hour or maybe more. He didn't know.
He could see some of his skin going blue from the cold and his foot was covered in a deep purple bruise from when he kicked the chair. It didn't hurt that bad though, since he already was in pain nothing could hurt more.
Looking infront of him and not down was actually more relaxing and more heroic "looking into the eyes of macabre", he didn't feel as sick but he still felt afraid. As if fear was a wave and it was drowning him, with little air to breathe; he was such a joke not being able to do such a tiny thing such as "jumping" for his brothers sake.
Would they miss him? He wondered, was he doing this for his sake or their sake. He didn't know, and God was he so confused with what to do. He wants to run away but at the same time he still wants someone to see. He just wants to be loved again.
He was such a joke.
He had to stop this moping or sobbing, his brothers would probably be sick at how "uncool" he was right now, he certainly was.
Deep breath followed by another and he closed his eyes.
This was right.
This was okay.
His brothers would be happy.
He was.
He would finally would get a break.
Everyone would be happy.
When he made that singe step a collection of footsteps could be heard and crashing of a metal door followed. A hoard of agonised voices screamed one word: "Stop!"
And a splatter from the ground could be heard in the next second.