Chapter Text
Ever since escaping the mountain, nothing feels real to Chris anymore. Days pass slowly and blur into weeks, months. His mind never lets the opportunity pass to remind him of what he's seen, what they’ve all seen. What no human being should ever see. His parents have been supportive and encouraging him to attend his therapy sessions, but Chris just can't stop thinking about what the detectives told him that day. We haven’t recovered his body..
“I’m so fucking stupid. So. Fucking. Stupid.” he mumbles to himself as he sprawls his body over his bed, hands covering his face.
Chris hates himself for leaving Josh there. He hates himself for being scared of his best friend at that time, hates that he hated him for the prank he pulled. Of course, who could’ve known that Wendigos were real? But he’s known Josh since third grade. How come Josh couldn’t confide in Chris after what happened to Beth and Hannah? He has so many questions. Chris can’t help but feel that he’s failed Josh and now he can’t ever make it up to him. He feels tears well up in his eyes for the tenth-something time today.
His phone vibrates, and he steals a glance at the message. It’s Ashley again.
12:01 AM
Chris, how are u doing? Answer pls
Even though he hasn’t seen or talked to anyone in the group for a while, Ashley and Sam text him every so often asking how he is. He appreciates it, he really does. Despite his unresponsiveness, he hopes they’re doing okay, for what it’s worth. Chris lets out a heavy sigh and decides he should respond this time or else they might think he’s dead.
12:02 AM
I’m doing ok, Ash. Chris lies. How are you?
He gets a response almost immediately. I’m better now that u replied to me:). I miss u. everyone misses u. Will u come see us soon?
Ugh. He debates if he should reply back. It’s not like he doesn’t want to see them, but when your thoughts consist of eighty percent Josh and the other twenty percent is self-loathing, it’s hard to put up a front. He doesn’t want his friends to see him like this. Chris wishes he was better. It’s not healthy, he knows – but he can’t help it.
12:05 AM
Yeah maybe. Sorry. I’ll think about it.
His phone buzzes again.
12:06 AM
Ok. don’t suffer by yourself. please. we’re here for you.
It hurts too much.
It’s been almost one year since they were rescued from the mountain. Chris isn’t exactly himself yet, but he can run errands without feeling like his feet are stuck in the mud and his mind on another planet. He’s thinking about going back to school. The nightmares are lingering, but not as vivid. He hung out with his friends again for the first time again the other week. Every looks better. They were laughing and joking around, but for some reason, all conversations led up to something related to the mountain and it would get quiet for a minute. Just like him, a piece of their soul never left the mountain that night.
But he still misses Josh. He remembers the look on Josh’s face when he and Mike left him tied up. He wasn’t mentally sound, but there was this pang of hurt in his eyes; his quivering, sad crooked smile as he looked up at Chris, spouting nonsense. It hurts him so bad it feels like he’s going to have a heart attack.
Chris forgets he’s at the grocery store and almost bumps into a stranger who curses him under their breath. He pulls to the side and shakily grabs his phone from his pocket. He opens his photo gallery and taps on an unnamed album: it’s pictures of Josh before the incident. Pictures of drunk Josh, smiling Josh, dumbass Josh. Every time his mind darkly wanders to his last memory of Josh, he finds some relief in looking back at good memories. Chris isn’t sure if this is a good coping mechanism but hey, whatever works, right?
He wishes he had taken more pictures of sexy Josh. Although he’s always sexy , Chris chuckles to himself as he clicks on an image of Josh half-naked, Calvin Klein boxers peeking through his unzipped pants, passed out on his couch drunk and drooling like the sexy idiot he is. Chris remembers that night. They had decided to do a drinking contest because Josh’s pride couldn’t accept that he was more lightweight than Chris. He used to use this picture against him as proof that he was a better drinker. Josh denied it every time he brought it up.
Chris isn’t sure when he started feeling this way about Josh. Josh was always a good-looking guy and he wasn’t afraid to remind Josh of it (way to boost his already big ego, Chris). Growing up, Josh had his girlfriends and so did Chris, although he was less of a playboy than Josh. The closest Chris ever thought he felt ‘love’ was Ashley. He did love Ashley, but it wasn’t in the same way he loved Josh. His smile, his laugh, the way he carries himself, his dumb weird humour and Josh’s way of comforting him when he felt sad. All the things that made Josh, Josh. He wishes he didn’t realize so late. He wishes he could’ve saved him. He wishes–
Maybe in another lifetime.
He feels himself getting choked up. Chris pushes his emotions down. He doesn’t want to cry at the damn grocery store.
Chris is going about his weekly errands again because routine was the only way he could keep his mind occupied, and frankly, he enjoys going out by himself too. He narrows his eyes and pushes up his glasses as he searches the aisles for this specific brand of oat milk that his mother likes, but for some reason is usually out of stock and way too hard to find. His eyes stray to the side to see if there’s a worker nearby.
Wait. What the fuck? He does a double take at a familiar-looking man on the other end of the aisle. His short chocolate-brown hair is styled in a way he recognizes, except messier, a slightly oversized blue-grey plaid jacket that Chris once gave to his best friend for his birthday, those wide open green eyes that catch Chris’ stare and Chris swears the world’s stopped turning for at least five seconds. What the fuck.
That looks like Josh? Is that Josh? No fucking way. It’s a fucking doppelganger. What the fuck what the fuck
“Josh-” he blurts out.
He can barely make out his name when the man does a one-eighty and starts speed walking out of his sight. Chris wants to chase him but he’s stun locked and can’t fucking move. He’s not sure what just happened or if he even saw right; maybe it really is a doppelganger and Chris looked deranged holding eye contact for so long that he ran away, but his gut was telling him it was Josh.
But how could it be Josh? He used to call the detectives every day for half a year hoping they would have an update for him, but there never was anything. He still kept his eye on the news hoping they would discover something from the mountain–dead or alive–so maybe he could stop hoping and longing that one day Josh would miraculously come back. That if he was alive he would show up at his doorstep, as if nothing happened, with a goofy smile and say as he always does, ‘what’s up, Cochise?’.
Chris can’t breathe; endless possibilities flying through his brain and he’s trying to think of what he had just seen and if it even made sense. Nothing is making sense. Get a hold of yourself, man. Chris tries to tell himself. Finally, after a minute he can feel his legs again and he takes a couple of slow steps before he’s full-on sprinting out the aisle and out of the store. He frantically looks both ways, trying to look for the man who looks a little too much like his best friend. He can’t see him. He runs back into the store and searches every aisle. Nothing. Fuck.
**
Chris is back home, and he can’t even properly articulate to his parents why he came home empty-handed and why he looks so frazzled. He’s not sure if he’s going crazy and hallucinating his best friend. He heads to his room, closes the door and slumps down on the ground, head in between his knees.
He’s been thinking about calling the Washingtons but he’s not sure if it’s a good idea. Josh’s parents have made it clear the day they came back from the mountains, how apologetic they were (even though Chris was the one feeling full of regret) and if he ever needed something they would be there for him. But if that wasn’t Josh that he saw, they would surely think Chris is losing it.
“Fuck it.” Chris wants answers. No, he needs them. He can’t go on thinking about a man that may or may not be Josh. Chris picks up his phone and scrolls down his contact list until he finds Mrs. Washington . He presses the call button. His heart is beating out of his chest, and it only increases when the phone stops ringing.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mrs. Washington. It’s Chris. Am I interrupting something?”
“Chris, long time no talk. You’re fine, Bob and I just finished lunch. How are you feeling?” Her voice is soft and low, just like how he remembers it.
“I’m.. I’m going to sound crazy right now,” Chris stutters. “But I swear I saw Josh. At the grocery store.”
There’s silence that goes on for a little too long, and Chris can hear and feel his heartbeat pounding in his ear against the phone.
Chris continues before she could say something. “And I really, really need to know, was that him? Is he back? Or was I dreaming?”
There’s another pause but she finally speaks. “I don’t want to lie to you, Chris.” She says gently. “He was found almost a year ago, a couple of days after they rescued everyone. He didn’t want anyone to know. I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you when he was rescued. He wasn’t in a good state and he was scared. He’s gotten a lot of help since then, but he’s still scared.”
A year ago? The emotions that have been building inside of him for the past year take over his body. Chris can’t describe the emotion he’s feeling. It’s a clusterfuck of sadness, happiness, anger, and it all comes crashing out. He’s happy that he’s been found. So fucking happy. But he’s filled with sadness and anger that the Washingtons didn’t tell him, or anyone for that matter – he’s been his best friend since third grade for Christ’s sake! Of course Chris understood why Josh would be scared, even though he didn’t want to admit it to himself right now. Chris wants to be selfish. Why didn’t you come see me, Josh? Did I hurt you that badly? I’m so sorry. Aren’t we friends? Why did you leave me in the dark for a year? Josh–
“Was he injured? Is he okay?” Chris asks. That’s all he can manage to say right now, despite all the thoughts swirling in his mind right now.
“... Joshua wasn’t too badly injured when they found him, physically, at least.” she sharply inhales. “He’s improved a lot since he was discharged from the hospital a couple of months ago. He’s able to go out by himself, as you’ve seen him. He blames himself for what happened with everyone, and he’s still trying to work through what he saw down there.. and with Hannah and Beth..” she trails off. Chris feels the pain behind her words. She continues again after a few seconds. “He’s trying.”
“I… I’m glad to hear that he’s doing okay. None of us blame him for what happened.” he whispers. “I’m just glad he’s okay. Um, do you..” Chris is scared to ask. “Do you think I can see him?”
“Thank you, Chris. And.. I’m not sure if he’s ready. I can tell him you called if you want. I know he misses everyone, especially you– he’s just terrified. I hope you can understand.”
“Yes of course I do. Please, please tell him I called.”
“I will. I’m sorry you had to find out like this, Chris. But I’m glad to hear your voice. Take care of yourself and call me whenever you need to.”
“Thank you.” Chris stifles a sob until he hears her end the call. He puts the phone down on the floor and lowers his head, staring blankly at the wooden floor he’s sitting on. Tears begin to fall.
02:30 AM
Hey cochise
It’s been two weeks since Chris talked to Mrs. Washington. Two weeks of pretending like nothing has changed while simultaneously hoping he’ll bump into his best friend again, hoping he would finally reach out. He hasn’t told his parents nor his friends yet about his discovery– he’s not sure if its his place to.
Every night when Chris drifts off to sleep, he dreams of Josh. Instead of dreaming about Josh in the mountains, alone and scared, like he used to; he dreams of all the different ways and possibilities of meeting Josh again. So when he woke up this morning, to a text from an unknown number calling him a name all to familiar, Chris thinks he must be half asleep. He rubs his eyes hard, grabs his glasses from his nightstand and looks at his phone again. Hey cochise. It’s real. Chris is speechless. He’s breathing hard, excitement and anxiety fills him all at once.
10:01 AM
Is this a prank? Who is this?
Thirty minutes pass and Chris has his eyes glued to his phone. This is fucking killing me . Chris refuses to get out of bed without a reply. He would stay here all day if he has to.
10:35 AM
Cmon cochise, you forgot abt me already? That’s fucked up dude
10:35 AM
Stop. Is this really Josh?
10:36 AM
Yessir, the one and only
Chris doesn’t know what to say. All this time, he’s been thinking and dreaming about what he would say to Josh if he ever saw him again. And when Josh Washington is finally texting him, he can’t find the words to communicate his feelings. He wants to get mad at him, he wants to cry and thank God that he’s alive and okay. He wants to write a five-paragraph text message about how he never stopped thinking about him and how he’s sorry for leaving him on the mountain, if he could change things he would.
10:40 AM
Chris I’m sorry it took me so long
Chris didn’t want to talk to him over text like this. It didn’t feel right.
10:41 AM
Can we meet today?
10:44 AM
Okay
**
Chris’ parents were out of town for a couple of days, so Chris decided to invite Josh to his house. His parents would drop him off, and he would be there in an hour.
One fucking hour. He never thought one hour could feel so long yet short at the same time. In one hour, he would see his best friend again. The same dumb kid he grew up and spent all his time with; the same guy that took them all up to the mountain and tied him and his friends up, the same guy he left to die…
Chris smacks himself in the forehead multiple times, leaving a bright red mark. There’s no point in ruminating right now, Chris. He heads to the washroom, turns the sink wide open and splashes his face with cold water. He debates getting in the shower, but decides against it in case Josh comes early. Looking in the mirror, Chris thinks about how he looked before they went to the mountain and wonders if Josh would notice any changes. He lost about ten pounds, cheeks appearing slightly more hollow and jaw chiselled sharper. The bags under his eyes aren’t as bad as before, still pronounced. He was planning on getting a haircut, his blonde hair reaching just above his eyebrows without any styling. His friends unanimously agree it looks better than how he used to style it, but Emily thinks its ugly and insists on letting her try to style it instead. Chris decides to leave his hair the way it is today.
He goes back to his room and looks through his wardrobe so he can get out of his pyjamas. It’s just Josh, Chris tries to tell himself. It’s not like it’s a date. But it feels more important than a date, and Chris is more nervous than he’s been in a long time. He’s still thinking about what to wear when the doorbell rings and he hears a couple of knocks. Oh shit, already? Chris panics, pulls out his favourite trusty plain white t-shirt, and slips on a pair of black gym shorts. It’s just Josh. Just josh.
His legs feel heavy as he trudges towards the front door. He’s not sure what to expect or what to do when he opens the door. Does he hug him? Do they fistbump like they always do? What should he say first? Everything feels too awkward yet familiar at the same time. Chris feels butterflies in his stomach rising up into his chest, heart beating fast as he twists the doorknob. Chris holds his breath.
Josh.
He’s standing there, a couple of steps away from the door. He looks just like he did two weeks ago. The same flannel (which Chris is now sure it’s the one he got for Josh), skinny jeans, but he’s wearing a baseball cap today. Chris can see his face better now; his familiar green eyes that appeared so tired, eyebrows raised as he makes eye contact with Chris, his mouth slightly gaped and curved upwards in a playful way like he remembers. He’s skinnier, too. Chris feels his heart clench as he thinks about what Josh has gone through this past year.
Josh speaks first. “You look like shit.”
Chris is taken aback by his comment, but at the same time, his body subconsciously reacts to Josh before he can even think about it. “Dude, have you looked in a mirror?”
Josh grins, grins a little too wide and all Chris can think about is how much he’s missed his stupid smile. “Yeah, I look better than you.”
Chris can’t help but roll his eyes and gestures for Josh to come in. He hesitates for a second, but Josh steps into the living room and Chris closes the door. “Nothing’s changed,” Josh says quietly, looking around the place.
He lets Josh inspect the living room for a few moments, before awkwardly breaking the silence with a voice crack, “So, you want something to drink?”
Chris thinks Josh would make a puberty joke like he always does, and he prepares a counter-response in his head but all he says is, “Nah I’m good. Thanks bro.” Josh sits on the couch, takes off his hat and stares out the window. It’s winter again. Leaves fallen from the tree, sky covered with grey clouds as it prepares for the cold and snow that still hasn’t come this year. “How have you been?” Josh says, without taking his eyes off the scenery.
“...Better, I guess,” Chris says, leaning against the wall. “everyone is doing better.” Chris thinks Josh would have some relief in hearing that. “What about you?”
“I don’t know.” Josh admits with a shaky laugh. “Some days are good, some days are bad, you know? I just wish I could forget about it all.” Chris wishes he could see Josh’s face. He could tell his shoulders are tense, hands folded in between his legs as they bounce up and down. “I didn't know if you wanted to see me again, after everything. M’sorry for the dumb shit I pulled. I was hurting a lot. And I wanted you guys to feel what my sisters felt…” Josh put a hand over his mouth. “But I know I was wrong. It was a stupid idea and everyone got hurt because of me.”
Chris has so many things he wants to say, words that have been trapped inside of him for the past year. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I let you down.” Chris starts. “I didn’t want to leave you tied up… We wouldn’t have left you if we knew what was out there. We tried to come back for you. But you were already gone. I thought I would never see you again. Shit…” Chris feels the tears coming, and he desperately tries to wipe them away. At least Josh wasn’t looking. “Fuck man, I don’t know. I wish you told me you were struggling. Aren’t we best friends?”
After Hannah and Beth’s disappearance, Chris told himself he would always be there for Josh. He would sleepover every day, listen to Josh talk about his sisters. He thought Josh was getting better and was glad his best friend could confide in him. He hated Josh for not telling him and he hated himself for not realizing Josh wasn’t okay.
“I wasn’t taking my medications and I wanted to forget everything so badly. I was losing it. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t okay. And when I got the idea for the prank, I thought I was a damn genius. We all know I’m far from that, now. So.. it wasn’t you, Cochise. Don’t get so down about it. Everything was my fault.” Josh finally turns his head and looks at Chris. The playful grin that was displayed on his face earlier became a light smile, eyes filled with sadness and regret. He looks so damn tired.
All Chris can think about is giving Josh a hug. He doesn’t remember the last time they shared a hug, but he doesn’t care. He thought he would never see Josh again, and he’s not going to give him a fucking hug?
Chris walks over to where Josh is sitting and bends down in front of him. He doesn’t say anything, neither does Josh, and pulls him into a tight hug, arms wrapped around Josh, squeezing him tight. Chris feels Josh tense up for a second, but quickly relaxes and he hears a small sigh escape from Josh’s mouth.
Chris thinks about the past year, of all the time he’s pleaded the universe to bring Josh back so he can tell him all the things he never got to say. He wants to tell him that everything will be okay. That he’s okay, I’m okay, we’re okay– Chris isn’t going to let Josh deal with shit alone ever again. And if he wracks up the courage, he would tell Josh about his feelings because he knows if Josh ever knew that he liked someone he would call him a pussy for not confessing.
Josh holds him back, tighter than Chris is holding him.
“Josh, I–”
“Shut up, Cochise,” Josh mumbles into Chris’ shoulder. “I need this right now.”
Chris obeys quietly, a smile appearing on his face. He closes his eyes and takes in Josh’s scent. He missed him so much. It’s okay. He’s here. Another time.
Chris doesn’t know how much Josh has begged the universe to see him again, too.