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໒✧১໒✧১
Jimin looks at the banners lining up the streets as his car passes by. His eyes skim over the familiar faces. One after another. They pause on one for a little too long until they start to burn and Jimin has to look away.
He leans back on his seat and looks at the messages on his phone. The others are planning to go for dinner as soon as their live is over. Jin offered to host it at his apartment. Jimin scrolls to see if the others agreed.
He did, too.
Jimin doesn’t reply. He will decide after meeting him. Him. Min Yoongi. The name itself makes something unfurl in Jimin’s chest. Something like a familiar ache, coming from a wound he never healed from.
The car stops in front of the company and Jimin sees the crowd waiting outside. They cheer as his bodyguards open the door for him. He waves at the gathered fans and briskly walks inside.
His heartbeat goes up along with the numbers of the floors on the elevator’s display and by the time it’s the 15th floor, Jimin is physically shaking himself out of his stupor to walk outside.
He finds the room where the live will take place as his manager told him about it. He stops in front of the closed door and hears the loud voices inside. They are already here. All of them. They are talking heartily as per usual. Jimin takes a deep breath when he hears Taehyung calling Yoongi’s name to ask him something. With trembling fingers, Jimin clutches onto the doorknob and twists it to reveal the other six for his eyes.
Everyone turns towards the door with an expectant smile.
“Jimin ssi is here!” Jungkook grins from where he has his arm wrapped around Taehyung, “you’re, as usual, late.”
Jimin knows where Yoongi is sitting. It’s like a seventh sense now. He always knows where Yoongi is as soon as he is close enough to the other. As if his heart turns towards the man like the red arrow on a compass turns towards the north.
He knows Yoongi is sitting in the middle. Hoseok on his one side. Jin on his other. Namjoon standing beside Taehyung with a dimpled smile.
Jimin focuses his eyes on Jungkook and goes to take the empty space beside Jin, “shut up, brat. There was traffic.”
“Yeah, as if we teleported here,” Hoseok rolls his eyes with a mirthful smile, “Namjoon, start the live.”
Namjoon gives a nod, “as you all know, we aren’t allowed to talk about the military. We will not talk about the future projects that we will be working on, either. We’re just going to talk about everything else. Yeah?”
“You try to remember the rules, please,” Taehyung sips his tea with a smirk, “we all know.”
Namjoon opens his mouth to protest as the others laugh.
“Let’s start,” Yoongi’s voice rings in Jimin’s ears, even when he spoke in his normal tone, “they must be waiting.”
With a grumble, Namjoon starts the live and everyone takes their position to act like the live froze. Jimin takes that moment to risk a glance at Yoongi.
Yoongi has short hair now. Shorter than Jimin remembers. He is wearing his round glasses on his bare face. Those lips are quirked with a tiny but pleased smile as the live starts. Jimin can’t really hear who breaks the silence because he is too busy taking Yoongi in.
How long has it been since he last talked to Yoongi?
Almost two years.
He remembers their last fight. Back in Yoongi’s apartment. How Yoongi begged him to think about everything for once while Jimin was freaking out. There was so much on his mind that he cracked.
He didn’t think this semi-long-distance thing could work for them. He didn’t think he wanted to call it a ‘thing,’ either. It was just sex, he kept telling himself. He was ‘exploring’ his sexuality and nothing else. It wasn’t his fault that Yoongi thought it was something more.
Jimin couldn’t possibly want something ‘more’ like that. Not when he knew the backlash it would bring. Not when he knew it was going to be a career suicide. Also, what was he going to tell his family? There was no way he could seriously think about dating a guy. Why was Yoongi insisting anyway? It was just convenient for them to hook up. That’s all. It was supposed to be a series of flings and nothing else. They both belonged to the biggest group in the world and he could not risk exposing himself and his personal choices to anyone else. So, Yoongi and him… it made sense.
He didn’t stop to ask himself how it ‘made sense’ to be with only Yoongi for a year like that. He didn’t stop to ask himself why he never looked at anyone else again. He could have. He could have stopped seeing Yoongi and found a girl for himself. He was interested in girls, too. He was experimenting with this ‘gay thing’ anyway. He could have.
Yet, he didn’t.
So, when Yoongi told him, they would be fine and he wanted to tell the boys about them, Jimin flipped. It all came crashing to him that he couldn’t. He can’t tell anyone that he is into men. He can’t tell his family that he is into men. It will always have to stay a secret because he can’t lose everything he built up from scratch just like that.
So, that fight. The fight that broke them apart. Jimin told Yoongi that they were nothing serious in his mind. That, he considered Yoongi as nothing but a hookup and his hyung who he really respected and adored. As a friend. Nothing more.
Jimin still remembers the tears in Yoongi’s eyes. The disbelief on his face. Yoongi had scoffed, waving him off. He had not fought. Instead, he accepted and they parted ways.
Jimin left for his service the very next day.
It has been two years since then. They didn’t talk for once. They met here and there because the boys met up. Yet, they chose to keep their distance from each other. Just greeting each other and nothing more than that.
Even if Jimin tried, Yoongi never reciprocated.
Jimin stood and watched Yoongi move on from him. Slowly but surely, he watched the man heal while his own wound stayed as it was. Bleeding and aching just the same. Even after two damn years.
.
.
“Jimin?”
Jimin blinks back to the present to see Jin looking at him with a curious tilt of his head.
“Huh?” he steadies himself with a cough.
“Tae was asking if you missed him,” Jin smiles in confusion, “where did you get lost?”
Jimin looks at Taehyung with an apologetic smile, “sorry,” he looks at the camera and back at Taehyung, “well, judging by you were always on my phone, chatting away, no, I didn’t miss you.”
The others laugh and the live continues. Jimin picks up his glass of champagne and takes a sip. He risks another glance at Yoongi to see the man peel an orange minutely. Yoongi gently keeps the torn skin on the tray and puts half of it in his mouth.
Jimin’s heart twists in his chest because he knows Yoongi would bob his head if the orange is sweet or if it’s sour, the corners of his lips will twist just a little in a grimace before he swallows it. Yoongi bobs his head and Jimin’s eyes burn.
The ache intensifies. The longing so deeply rooted in his heart, Jimin feels breathless.
He had that man for himself for a year. He could have had that man for himself for three years by now and he lost that chance. Let it all go because he couldn’t face his own fears. His own demons.
Jimin looks down at his hands with a wavering sigh.
The moment the live ends, the boys relax on their position. As the staffs leave them to their devices, Jungkook leans his head on Taehyung’s shoulder. Tells him how exhausted he is. Taehyung wraps his arm around Jungkook’s waist with a pout of understanding. Telling him, they should go back to Taehyung’s place after dinner. As if they hadn’t spent the last ten days wrapped up in each other.
“We should go?” Hoseok gets up, “Jin hyung cooked so much for us. I think he will scream our heads off if we don’t hurry.”
“Right,” Yoongi gets up, too, “as if I didn’t work my ass off with him, too.”
“Hey, I am the main chef, so it’s all my credit!” Jin nudges Yoongi and they all turn to leave.
Jimin smiles when Taehyung wraps an arm around his waist to drag him along.
໒✧১
“I think you all should stay the night,” Jin says with an exasperated sigh, “you all are hammered.”
Yoongi shakes his head, “I need to go,” he holds up his hand when Jin goes to protest, “don’t worry. I called Yijeongie to pick me up.”
“God, please tell me you aren’t thinking about working the night away,” Namjoon groans, “you really need to learn to relax, hyung.”
“We will just hang out, jeez!” Yoongi sighs, “why do you all think I don’t have a life without music?”
“Because you don’t,” Taehyung deadpans, sloshed where he is leaning against Jungkook, “Yoongi pabo.”
Yoongi rolls his eyes fondly before holding up his hands, “we’ll just hang—”
“Don’t worry, Tae,” Hoseok quips, “they will just work on something other than music.”
Something ugly twists in Jimin’s stomach because of the way Hoseok says it. It leaves a sour taste in his mouth and leaves him immobile. He looks from Hoseok to Yoongi in absolute confusion until Yoongi looks back.
Those eyes shift from Hoseok to Jimin. Maybe because he felt Jimin’s eyes on him.
Jimin’s entire world stops as soon as their eyes meet. His breath catches in his throat under that heavy gaze. Yoongi still has traces of that fond smile around the corners of his lips. They are slightly twitched. His eyes are just as warm and fond.
It doesn’t change. Yoongi doesn’t seem to be as affected as Jimin is. He doesn’t look like his world has stopped rotating. The way those eyes found him, just that easily they move away from him.
“Hoba, get a life,” Yoongi passes a light-hearted jab before picking up his jacket, “seriously.”
“You can’t tell me you two aren’t fucking,” Hoseok gets up too, wrapping his arm around Yoongi’s shoulder with a grin as they all exit the room, “you are joined by the hips most of the time. His entire insta feed is about you. He talks about you most of the time on his lives. He is smitten. So, are you. It’s visible. Right, guys?”
Namjoon and Jin give firm nods with equally teasing grins. Taehyung and Jungkook ask when this happened and how come they don’t know about all this.
Jimin follows them in silence to the door. Yoongi gets in the elevator and flips them off while the doors close between them.
.
.
“He…” Jimin clears his rough voice, “he is seeing someone?”
No one knows about them. Whatever went down between them, Jimin never told anyone and neither did Yoongi.
Hoseok grins at him, “yes. I will fill you all in. Come on.”
Jimin lets Hoseok drag him back to the living room.
໒✧১
Jimin looks at the window. At the fading night sky he can see from where he is lying on the guestroom’s bed in Jin’s apartment. With his phone clutched in his hold. Yijeong’s insta feed is open from his private account. He has scrolled down to the last post by the man and spent quite a few hours staring at the ones where Yoongi is with him. He has searched Yoongi’s smiles and tried to compare them to the ones he remembers being on the receiving side of.
They look close. Really close. Jimin can’t deny that no matter how desperately he wants to. He goes to YouTube next. To open the episode where Yijeong is the guest on Yoongi’s talk show. He watches it for the second time. He pauses occasionally to take in Yoongi’s smiles. His soft voice. How he laughs and blushes. It all adds up to what Hoseok said and Jimin has never felt as miserable as he feels at that moment.
Tears blur his vision when his thumb traces over Yoongi’s smiles. Those mirthful, happy eyes. It all makes so much sense.
Yoongi moved on ages ago. Probably found someone who is not afraid of showing him off. Whose feed is full of praises for Yoongi. Whose voice is loud in Yoongi’s support. Who does not overthink his every move or word around Yoongi when they are out with their friends or in public.
Jimin sits up, beside him, Hoseok is fast asleep. Jungkook and Taehyung left last night, giving the excuse that they had work the next day. Only Hoseok, Namjoon and Jimin stayed. Namjoon disappeared in Jin’s bedroom and they found their way to the guestroom.
Jimin gets out of bed and then the room. With a message to Jin, he leaves the apartment and hails a cab home.
໒✧১
“What do you want me to do, hyung?” Jimin tugs at his hair, “tell my parents about us?! Do you really think they will understand?”
“I’m not telling you to tell your parents, Jimin,” Yoongi is frustrated, he still tries to calmly explain himself, “I’m just asking if you’ll go to this date your eomma wants you to.”
“I don’t know, okay?” Jimin turns away, “they want me to meet their friend’s daughter. I will just, maybe, go on one date. Then politely decline any more advances.”
Yoongi looks pained, “how long before you have to accept those advances, Jiminie? How long before you can’t decline them? Will you hide this side of you forever?”
“Yes, hyung!” Jimin grits his teeth, “you can’t expect me to come out to them, can you?” he scoffs in disbelief, “they love me to the core, hyung, but even then. I don’t think they will take this very well. I don’t know what you’re expecting from me. What’s next, you want to publicly announce we are something?”
Yoongi looks hurt when he turns away, combing his hair off of his face with both of his hands.
“So, I will always be your dirty secret,” Yoongi whispers, “someone you can’t ever accept, even to yourself?”
Jimin shakes his head, “hyung… I love you. You are not my dirty secret! We are friends—”
“I was balls deep in you a few minutes ago, Jimin!” Yoongi snaps as he faces Jimin in a blink, “don’t fucking call me your friend like we aren’t way past that for quite some months now!”
“That’s all we can be,” Jimin whispers, “that’s all I will allow us to be. Friends. I can’t be more to you, hyung. You can’t be more than that to me. I can’t risk everything for something so vague.”
Yoongi’s eyes glimmer as a smile twitches those lips. He looks broken when he nods in understanding.
“And, here I was,” his hands come up and flop down to hit his sides, “ready to risk it all for us,” he wipes at his eyes quickly, “I think you should leave. I want to be alone now.”
Jimin lets out a sigh and runs for the door. He wanted that escape so badly, so he took it without a question.
.
.
Jimin sits in his dark apartment with his phone clutched in both of his hands. His eyes are glued to the photos he is scrolling. A folder full of pictures he clicked of Yoongi. The man in various moments, only for his eyes. The more he sees, the more tears pool in his eyes.
The loss sits heavy on his shoulders. He lost this man. All these moments. He lost his first and only love. Because he was not strong enough to stand up for it. Not strong enough to acknowledge it for what it was. Love. He was not ready. Was not brave enough to hold Yoongi’s hands and assure him that they would find a way. Stupid enough to not realize what he felt for the elder until it was too late.
When he realized he was in love with Yoongi, it was too late. There were miles between them and galaxies between their hearts. Yoongi isn’t there anymore and all Jimin is left with is his phone full of Yoongi’s memories.
With a troubled exhale, Jimin dials Yoongi’s number. It’s still too early, he knows. Yoongi is probably fast asleep in his apartment. Alone or…
“Hello?”
Jimin clutches onto the cushion while tears roll down his cheeks in silence. He closes his eyes. Frozen on his spot, even when his mind screams for him to cut the call.
“Jiminie?” Yoongi sounds confused.
Jimin leans against the glass wall of his living room and bites down on his bottom lip. Unsure of what to say now that Yoongi is on the other side of his call.
Yoongi breaks the silence with a soft chuckle, “can’t believe you’re calling me after almost two years.”
Jimin curls in on himself. The regret and hurt are so sharp, that it tears through him like a blade. He shakes his head in pain while trying to force some words out of his mouth.
“I’m sorry.” Jimin chokes on them, “I am so fucking sorry.”
“For what, Jiminie?” Yoongi sighs.
Yoongi has to be cruel to ask that. He has to be ruthless to make Jimin count everything he is sorry for. Yet, Jimin knows Yoongi isn’t cruel. Not at all. He deserves to know. After all these months of silence, he owes that to Yoongi.
“For letting you go,” Jimin is selfish, he counts the part that hurts him the most and not the ones where he hurt Yoongi, “for being such a coward. For hurting you. I am so sorry, hyung,” Jimin wraps his arms around his knees, pulling them closer to his chest, “fuck, I am so sorry.”
There is silence and Jimin can’t bear it. He can’t bear the thought that Yoongi probably has nothing to say to him. He is probably eager to go back to his empty bed or… to the person he has on it.
Jimin hurries to cling onto Yoongi’s attention, as much as he can take, “I am sorry for not choosing you when you chose me over everything and everyone else. I’m sorry for not realizing what I felt for you. Sorry for letting you think you were there alone, feeling all those things alone. That you were wrong, you were not, hyung. You were not. I was. So fucking wrong. I’m so sorry—”
“Jiminie,” Yoongi is as quiet and patient as ever, “take a deep breath for me,” he sighs, “I won’t say it’s okay. Whatever you did, it hurt, yes, but I moved on. I hold no grudges against you now. Not anymore. I’ve forgiven you and maybe, you should, too. Forgive yourself and let go of the past. Yeah?”
“Is that all I am to you now? A past? Can’t we try again?”
Jimin wants to beg Yoongi to take him back. He wants to get down on his knees and ask for forgiveness if that’s what it takes for Yoongi to give him a chance but he can’t bring himself to say it. He can’t let himself be that selfish when he did nothing to deserve that kindness.
What is going to change? He didn’t tell his parents about himself. Even now. He is not strong enough to face the consequences of his acts, even now. He is still that coward he was two years ago.
And, yet…
“I miss you,” Jimin buries his face against his knees, tears soaking up his jeans that he didn’t change out of yet, “I am sorry.”
“I’m right here, Jiminie,” Yoongi murmurs with nothing but warmth, “hyung is right here. If you want, we can meet and talk.”
Jimin shakes his head. The hurt claws at his heart, tearing out chunks of it each time. Yoongi’s patience and kindness tell him how the man really moved on. He isn’t stuck where Jimin is. Otherwise, there will be hurt. So much hurt. He would be angry. He would lash out. But Yoongi doing is none of that. It shows the man really moved on and Jimin doesn’t want to face this version of Yoongi. The one who isn’t in love with him anymore. As selfish as that sounds, he doesn’t want to see someone else’s Yoongi. That will break him to his core and he can’t afford that.
“No, hyung, just,” he swallows the bile in his throat, “I just thought I’d apologize. We’ll meet in the company. Sorry,” Jimin wipes at his eyes, “for calling so early.”
“It’s okay,” Yoongi’s smile is carried through the line, “I understand. I…” he takes a pause before continuing, “hope you catch some sleep now. See you around, Jiminie.”
Jimin nods, “yeah, hyung. See you.”
He cuts the call and drops the phone beside him before lying down on the couch. His arms are still around his knees as he curls up in himself.
໒✧১
The next time they meet is for a welcome party in the company. The topmost floor is decorated for the seven of them. The other idols are invited along with their friends. The seven of them are allowed to bring whoever they want.
Jimin brings Taemin with him. Just to not go alone. Taehyung and Jungkook brought their friends. Quite a few. Jin also brought one or two of his. Hoseok invited almost everyone he knew. So did Namjoon. Jimin looks over at Yoongi when the elder comes to the party and freezes when he sees Yoongi brought Yijeong with him.
Yijeong bows to them as soon as Yoongi introduces them to each other. They all gather around the man to talk to him. Hoseok is too obvious with his teasing smirks and invasive questions. Yoongi gives an exasperated eye roll before waving them off. He places a hand on Yijeong’s back and guides him towards the drinks.
Jimin stays where he is but his eyes follow Yoongi.
“You want to try some starters?” Taemin wonders as he eyes the trays lining up on the stands.
“You go ahead,” Jimin sips his beer with a sigh, “I’ll go to the washroom.”
Jimin leaves the room to go to the washroom to freshen up. As he is splashing some water on his face, Jimin’s phone rings. He pulls it out to see it’s his father. With a frown, he picks it up and puts it on the counter.
“Yes, appa?”
His father sounds tired, “you didn’t reply to your mother, bub. She has been nagging me since the morning. What did you think about the girl she talked about?” he clears his throat, “also, if you’re already seeing someone, you can tell her. She said she’d be fine in that case. She trusts your choices.”
Jimin glares at himself in the mirror. His bloodshot eyes throw daggers at him as he hears his father talking. His head starts to feel heavy as he hears his mother’s voice next to his father. She is talking about how he just turned thirty. Maybe he should think about, at least, finding someone. She goes on and on about this girl she wants Jimin to meet and all Jimin can see is Yoongi’s arm wrapped around Yijeong’s waist.
Something in him snaps.
“I found someone,” Jimin whispers, tears spilling over the rim of his eyes, “I found someone for me.”
“You did?” his father sounds shocked, his voice suddenly alert.
“Oh, my god, you did?” his mother exclaims, “oh, baby. Why didn’t you tell us? That’s all we want, bub. Someone for you to settle down with. She—”
“He,” Jimin snaps, grips the edge of the counter as he blurts it out, and nods with a sardonic smile when there’s silence after that, “he. I found a man worth settling down with…”
“Jimin… what?” his father sounds even more confused now, “what are you talking about?”
“Baby, we don’t understand,” his mother sounds scared, hesitant, “we don’t… what did you say? We must have heard wrong—”
“I found a man for myself, eomma,” Jimin’s face crumbles, “your son found a man for himself. He is in love with a man. A man who was too good for him,” Jimin wipes at his eyes furiously before looking down at the phone on the counter, “I’ll not go on this date or whatever. Please stop setting me up like this. I am not interested.”
Before his parents can say anything more, Jimin cuts the call. With a deep breath, he leaves the washroom. As he is closing the door behind him, he slams against someone.
“Fuck, sorry!” he bows without looking, “I wasn’t looking…”
“Hey, it’s okay,” the guy waves him off, “don’t worry.”
Jimin goes taut and he looks up to see Yijeong looking back at him with a friendly tilt of his lips. Jimin recoils in himself. His hands ball up beside him in a one-sided tension that he knows only he is feeling.
“Sorry,” Jimin says again before briskly walking away from there.
As soon as he gets back to the party, Taehyung is dragging him to the dance floor with Jungkook. The two of them tipsy if their flushed cheeks are anything to go by. Jimin picks up a glass of whiskey from the wandering waiter and downs it fully. Then he grins at his friends and joins them in dancing his mind off of other things. His phone keeps buzzing in his pocket so Jimin pulls it out and switches it off.
Not tonight. He wants to let go tonight. Let go of everything. He will deal with his bad decisions tomorrow.
He is dancing mindlessly when he hears Yoongi’s name. Someone so casually calling him by his name and it’s dipped in adoration. There is something so different in that voice.
Jimin looks over to see it’s Yijeong who is dragging Yoongi to the dance floor. He starts to dance in front of a smiling Yoongi. He grabs Yoongi’s hands and starts to move them obnoxiously. Yoongi huffs out a laugh before shaking his head but his legs start to move along with the beats. An endeared smile is visible on his lips.
Jimin doesn’t realize that he stopped dancing. Not until Taehyung takes a hold of his hand and frowns at him in a silent question. Jimin lets out a smile. A smile that blurs his vision. He shakes his head as his eyes go back to Yoongi and Yijeong.
He could have had that. He could have stood there in front of Yoongi and made him smile so fondly at him. He could have had Yoongi for himself. Yoongi wanted to be his. All Jimin had to do was accept him. Have him.
He let go of Yoongi.
Now that he knows what he let go of, it gets unbearable with each passing second. As long as he hasn’t talked to Yoongi, Jimin lied to himself by saying Yoongi would wait for him. That, he will still take Jimin back without a question. Jimin never lets himself believe that Yoongi can entirely move on from him. He can find someone else. Now that he is seeing it happen, it gets too suffocating too soon.
Jimin takes a step back from Taehyung and Jungkook. With a deep, calming breath, he shakes his head at Taehyung before leaning in, “smoke break.”
Taehyung shows a thumbs up and Jimin is jogging away from the party. For the second time that night.
He finds himself on the fire escape with a lit cigarette between his fingers. He takes a long drag and sits on a step. As soon as he closes his eyes, he can see Yoongi and Yijeong. Their matching smiles. He holds the smoke in his mouth. Lets it burn in his chest.
The mind-numbing hurt just doesn’t leave him alone. He wonders what his past self was so worried about. His image? His family? His friends?
Well, those issues are still there. Then, why is the pain of losing Yoongi overrides all those worries?
Jimin snorts to himself. Maybe, because none of those worries have the effect losing Yoongi has on him. Why didn’t he think about it? Why didn’t his past self think about what he was losing? Who he was losing.
It was nothing casual. He was, Jimin buries his face between his knees, he was in love with Yoongi. He lost the only person he ever felt so much for. In his blind fear of society and judgements and stardom, he lost his home. His peace. His person.
None of those fears seems to be as crushing as this pain is now. None of those worries keep him up all night like Yoongi’s absence does now.
He wipes at his eyes as soon as he hears the door of the fire-escape open. He looks over his shoulder and stills.
Yoongi has a box of cigarettes in his hand. One stick in his mouth. He also freezes. Their eyes stuck on each other. The door closes behind Yoongi with a slam and they both flinch. Jimin springs to his feet, turning to face the elder with words clogging his throat.
Yoongi is the one who breaks the silence with a small smile, “the party is too loud.”
Jimin nods in silent agreement. Yoongi lights the cigarette and looks at him. Jimin wipes his hands down the back of his pants and shifts on his feet. Side by side.
“Exactly how long will you run from me?”
Jimin’s eyes dart to Yoongi’s face and Yoongi has that tender expression directed at him. Jimin glances away with a twist of his lips.
“Just tell me exactly how long it takes to move on from you and I’ll answer you,” Jimin doesn’t have it in him to lie or find an excuse, he is too tired to pretend, “turns out, two years weren’t enough.”
The tip of Yoongi’s cigarette burns brighter for a second before the smoke starts to come out from the corners of his mouth. His eyes stay focused on Jimin.
“It took me a year to come to terms with the fact that you didn’t feel what I felt for you,” Yoongi plucks the cigarette off of his lips, “and, almost a few more months after that to find my footing again. So, I don’t know what to tell you, Jiminie.”
“I’m sorry,” Jimin says again, “for hurting you like that. I am so sorry.”
Yoongi narrows his eyes as he looks down at the cigarette in his hold, “I told you,” he looks over at Jimin, “I won’t say it’s okay but I have moved on.”
“With someone?” Jimin can’t help himself but ask.
Yoongi takes a long look at him before he shakes his head, “alone.”
Jimin breathes out. Somehow it makes him feel good. It’s so utterly selfish that he doesn’t have another word to say. He stays quiet, and so does Yoongi.
The two of them smoke in silence after that. A comfortable sort of calm that they both are grateful for. It feels like a proper closure that they both needed. Being around each other in silence after so many months of overthinking about seeing each other again.
“Maybe we should go back inside,” Yoongi looks at the closed door, “they must be waiting.”
Jimin follows Yoongi without another word.
໒✧১
Jimin gets his parent’s message when he opens his phone the next day.
‘We’re sorry if we ever made you feel like you can’t tell us about yourself, baby. Just so you know, we love you nonetheless. Whoever you choose to be with, we just wish you to be happy.’
The more Jimin looks at the message, the more his eyes sting.
That’s all.
That’s all his parents had to say. Three lines. It took them three lines to tell him they love and respect him and his choices. And here Jimin is, wasted three years overthinking about their reaction. Three years of losing his sleep and two years of regretting letting go of that only person he ever felt anything for. Because he was terrified of his parents’ opinions of him.
Tears roll down his cheeks as he realizes just how minuscule his worries were. Just how less they mean in front of the mind-numbing loss he traded them with.
Regret sits heavy on his chest and Jimin is leaving the phone aside to bury his face into his hands. He hates his past self even more now. For not doing this sooner. For not standing up for himself and his feelings. For not realizing who he was so flippantly letting go of.
The pain is so unbearable, that Jimin lies down on his bed with empty eyes staring out of the window aimlessly. He closes his eyes when they start to burn.
Yoongi said he moved on alone but Jimin wonders if he is single now. If he found someone already. Maybe he did. A face flashes across Jimin’s mind. Jimin turns on his side with a shake of his head.
No. He won’t ruin this for Yoongi. He had his chance and he blew it. He won’t try to hold Yoongi back anymore. Instead, Jimin wipes his eyes, he will try to be happy for the man. Happy that Yoongi found someone or will find someone in the future who will keep him as a treasure and not a dirty secret.
With that thought circling in his mind, Jimin falls asleep.
໒✧১
Things start to go back to normal. As it used to be. Jimin forces himself to put aside his bleeding heart and focus on his work instead. He starts to talk to Yoongi, too, trying to melt the awkwardness between them. Yoongi is supportive of that, too. He tells Jimin he wants to be friends again, just as they were before all this started.
.
.
It’s all going well except… sometimes it all catches up with Jimin and suddenly he needs a break. Suddenly, he would look across the room at Yoongi and his heart would skip a very painful beat. Then he would have to pause and compose himself. Some days, Yoongi would come to work in clothes Jimin knows a little too intimately. Or, he would choose to sit beside Jimin and Jimin would get a whiff of his perfume. A scent Jimin associates with home. A safe place. A safe place he destroyed himself. Then, that day would go in mourning that loss all over again.
.
.
“We’re going to Alaska to celebrate Yoongi hyung’s birthday under the northern lights!” Taehyung cheers as soon as the managers leave after giving them the details of their vacation plans, “we’ll have a week for ourselves!”
“The way he’s so sure that we’ll be able to see the aurora,” Namjoon shakes his head fondly.
“Let’s be positive,” Hoseok grins at Taehyung, “maybe, we will see it on Yoongi hyung’s birthday.”
“Yeah, no one cares about my birthday but the damn lights,” Yoongi rolls his eyes exasperatedly but there is a smile quirking his lips, “no one even asked me if I have plans on my birthday or not.”
“Do you?” Jin narrows his eyes, “other than falling on the bed and sleeping it away?”
Yoongi pulls out his phone to dial someone, “no. I don’t have any plans. We can go.”
“It’s not like we would care even if you did have plans,” Jungkook smirks, “we’ll just kidnap you.”
Yoongi’s lips press on a thin line as he squints at Jungkook, “brat.”
They all laugh before scurrying out of the room. They are leaving in a few days, there are a lot of things to pack. Jimin follows Namjoon to their car.
“Are you okay?” Namjoon asks, strapping himself in.
Jimin starts the car and shrugs, “yeah. Why?”
“Just…” Namjoon’s eyes wander over the side of his face before he looks ahead, “you look drained nowadays.”
Jimin licks his lower lip and starts the car, “just exhaustion. Nothing to worry about, hyung.”
Namjoon doesn’t press about it and Jimin is thankful for that.
໒✧১
As fate would have it, the two of them end up in the same room. Jimin looks at the chit he pulled from the bowl and swallows the lump in his throat. He glances at the others and looks back at the chit in his hold.
“Yoongi hyung.”
Everyone grins and Jimin passes the bowl to Taehyung. He looks at Yoongi who is looking back at him. Yoongi arches a brow in question and Jimin forces himself to smile with a shake of his head.
.
.
Their room is cosy with the white walls matching the snow outside. Jimin looks at the fireplace as soon as he gets in the room. He keeps his luggage aside and sits in front of the fireplace.
Yoongi walks in and drops his luggage beside Jimin’s before slumping at the foot of the bed. Jimin hears the groan Yoongi lets out and speaks before thinking.
“Don’t,” Jimin squirms closer to the fireplace, “don’t even think about lying down on the bed. Go and change. You’re still in your dirty clothes, hyung.”
He freezes as soon as the words register with him. The familiarity, the memories and the dread come rushing in. The déjà vu makes his skin crawl. Jimin swallows thickly before clearing his throat. Not sure what to say, so he stays quiet, facing the fireplace.
“Yeah, going,” Yoongi murmurs before Jimin hears the man go to the washroom.
Jimin changes after Yoongi and finds himself on the bed with Yoongi. The man scrolling through his phone. Jimin looks at the sky outside.
“Do you think we’ll get to see the aurora?”
Yoongi risks a glance at him and back at the sky, “let’s hope so. Tae would be really upset, otherwise.”
Jimin closes his eyes, “you should stop scrolling your phone and rest, you know?”
“I know,” Yoongi sighs, putting away his phone before lying down, “thank God we had dinner before coming here. I’m beaten.”
Jimin’s lips twitch, “then sleep, grandpa.”
“What if we sleep and miss the aurora?” Yoongi looks at the glass-wall, “you think anyone will wake us up?”
Jimin looks at the glass-wall, too, “I hope they do. If not, I’ll just chalk it up as another thing that got away.”
He closes his eyes and lets sleep engulf him in peace.
໒✧১
“I hope they do. If not, I’ll just chalk it up as another thing that got away.”
Yoongi takes a look at Jimin who has his back to him. Now he can look at Jimin without feeling like someone is tearing his heart out with their merciless claws digging into it. He can talk to Jimin without feeling the maddening spurt of anger that came from the hurt he nursed in himself for so long. God, he was in love with Jimin. It took everything in him to move on to someone who he is today. A calmer version of himself.
The first time he realized he was moving on was when he saw their picture in the company’s email about something and he didn’t feel that mind-numbing pain. Instead, there was acceptance and a sense of ache. The ache lasted a few more weeks before slowly fading. Yoongi accepted what they were for its worth.
Just a crossroad they both bumped onto and then they went their merry ways. He could have held onto that hurt and ruined everything for himself in the group or he could have moved on. He chose to move on.
.
.
Yoongi looks at Jimin’s back. He notices the tattoos, almost visible under the thin material of the shirt Jimin is wearing to bed. Yoongi remembers mapping them out with his lips and tongue. He remembers how Jimin would moan every time. He remembers how the younger would look at him with needy eyes and so much trust.
Trust. Only trust. Yoongi misunderstood it for love.
Yet, as he looks at Jimin, that faded ache comes back. It squeezes at his heart ever so lightly and Yoongi is snapping his eyes away from Jimin.
Yoongi’s phone rings and Yoongi is relieved. He grabs it to have any distraction he can manage at that moment. It’s Yijeong. Yoongi picks it up while getting out of the bed.
“Yeah, Yijeongah?” he notices how Jimin squirms on his spot and Yoongi goes out of the room to go and sit in the living room to talk to Yijeong. Just to not disturb Jimin and his sleep.
໒✧১
Jimin spends the next day in his room. He refuses to go around because the cold is almost freezing his bones. Taehyung comes to their room to inform them that they are leaving for the private space they rented to watch Aurora. That is if they are lucky. They will leave the hotel around 8pm to go to the private Aurora viewing deck and return around 4am or so. Jimin and Yoongi nod in agreement before Taehyung leaves.
.
.
Jimin shudders in cold, squirming closer to Hoseok who is right beside him. Hoseok wraps him in his arms with an understanding smile.
“It’s so fucking cold,” Jungkook hisses, “my balls are starting to freeze at this point!”
“It was a terrible idea,” Jin whines, rubbing his hands together, “all because this fucking Tae wanted to see the aurora. Which, by the way, we aren’t even sure we will!”
“Way to be positive!” Taehyung rolls his eyes, “and, I can’t believe you hate cold. We are the winter princes of our group, hyung! What the fuck?”
“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Jin looks at Yoongi, “are you frozen, birthday boy? You haven’t spoken since we got in the car.”
Yoongi rubs his temple and looks over his shoulder at them from the passenger seat, “I’m trying to pretend that you guys don’t exist.”
Jimin’s lips twitch with a smile and Yoongi looks over at him. The two of them share that small smile before Yoongi turns away.
“Don’t support him all the time, will you?” Jin nudges Jimin, “you always support him in dragging us.”
“No, I don’t!” Jimin frowns on faux hurt, “I was laughing at him.”
“As if,” Taehyung snorts, “you’re always taking Yoongi hyung’s side. We know you are biased. Don’t lie!”
Jimin glances at the man. Yoongi has his eyes focused ahead. His lips still twitched upwards. Jimin’s lips twitch, too. He shrugs.
“Sorry,” he sighs to himself, “I think, I didn’t realize exactly how biased I am until it was too late.”
Yoongi’s eyes flicker up at the rearview mirror and their eyes meet. Jimin doesn’t shy away. Neither does Yoongi. They hold the eye-contact for a long moment before the driver announces that they reached their destination.
Jimin is out of the car first. He feels too suffocated all of a sudden. He blows out a breath and sees the smoke as he runs to the house, where the deck is on the first floor. They sit inside on the cosy couches while the waiters serve them drinks. Jimin takes the hot chocolate with a grateful nod and sips.
Taehyung is standing near the glass door and eyeing the deck outside with excitement. The deck is covered in snow. Jimin winces at the thought of leaving this cosy warmth to go outside if they really get to see the aurora.
“How long do we have to wait?” Jin asks their guide.
The man looks at him with an awkward smile, “it’s not in our hands, sir. Maybe a few minutes or the entire night. We can’t confirm.” he notices their disappointed face and hurries to explain, “but, there’s 90% chance of it happening tonight. So, let’s be positive.”
Namjoon looks outside at the dark sky and sighs, “yeah, that’s the only thing we can do at this point.”
Jimin curls up on himself with the glass of hot chocolate. He glances at Yoongi and Yoongi looks back. As if feeling eyes on him. Jimin holds the eye-contact as he takes a sip of his drink. Yoongi’s eyes follow his tongue as it licks over his bottom lip before those eyes flicker up to match his. Jimin arches a brow and Yoongi looks away with a shake of his head.
Jimin remembers these secret moments between them all too well. How they would rile each other up without the others noticing and then disappear together to blow off some steam. Jimin looks down at the mug in his hold and smiles to himself.
How did he ever think it was all just a series of flings? How did he lie to himself so well?
“Fuck!” Taehyung’s loud curse makes Jimin flinch, eyes snapping to him, “guys, look!”
Taehyung leaps out on the deck and the others follow. Jimin leaves his mug on the table and follows them too. He looks up at the sky to see the wavering glow of lights spreading across the horizon before the colours change into something light bluish. Jimin watches how the light moves across the sky like a gently passing wave in the dark sea.
Taehyung is saying something to Jin. Jungkook is busy taking pictures. Hoseok is making excited noises as he records the lights and them.
All Jimin can do is stare in utter mesmerisation. He tilts his head to see the light spread over their heads. How it's orange now, then shifting into a shade of pink.
Jimin hugs himself as tears pool in his eyes. It feels so surreal as he watches the most beautiful sight anyone has ever seen in their life. The feeling is so disarming, that Jimin can’t voice it. His eyes seek out the only person he wants to share these emotions with.
Yoongi is looking at the sky with his hands tucked in his pockets. A few feet away from Jimin. The two of them at some distance from the other five.
Jimin watches how Yoongi’s eyes reflect the aurora and his heart breaks all over again. Yoongi’s eyes hold the warmth they once held for him. Yoongi smiles to himself and Jimin realizes, this is exactly how Yoongi would look at him. Mesmerized and with so much love.
Jimin’s knees feel weak. He hears the others still talking. He knows the guide is taking all of their pictures. He knows the boys will see him if they turn around and yet, he can’t seem to care.
His tears roll down his cheeks and he keeps looking at Yoongi until Yoongi looks back. Those eyes are still so full of warmth. Yoongi’s smile stills when he sees Jimin and then the man sucks in a breath that comes out in a smoky exhale.
Jimin’s lips part, and quiver with silent words before he bites down on them. He looks back at the sky and hugs himself. The surge of emotions spills through the cracks of his heart like molten lava and Jimin is taking a step back, then another and then he is dashing inside. He wipes at his eyes furiously as he runs down the stairs. He is not even sure where he is going. He just wants to be away from Yoongi. As far away as he can. So that nothing spills out of his mouth to burden the elder. Nothing to hurt Yoongi more than he already did.
Jimin finds himself near their car that stands under the shade. The glass roof showcases the aurora just fine. He leans against it with his forehead pressed against the cool surface. He takes in a deep breath and snorts when he realizes the aurora is still visible. It’s still lighting up the clear sky while a storm brews inside Jimin.
Jimin sees Yoongi’s reflection on the car’s window and stills. He doesn’t turn around, even when Yoongi comes to stand right behind him.
“Jiminie—”
“Please, hyung,” Jimin pleads in a cracking voice, “please…” he screws his eyes shut as tears threaten to spill, “don’t say something. Please,” he wipes at his eyes furiously, “I know I’m being unfair to you. I know… okay?” he sniffles, “but, I’m selfish, hyung. I’m stupid, and I’m selfish, and I want to repent for my mistake and I want you back, and I know it’s not possible. So, please…” he inhales deeply, “let me be. I’ll be fine. I swear.”
Yoongi doesn’t leave and Jimin is on the verge of a breakdown. He turns around to look at Yoongi wistfully while his knees almost give in. He leans against the car with tears glimmering in his eyes as he looks at Yoongi.
Yoongi’s eyes wander over his face while he steps closer, “you’ll freeze to death here,” he takes a hold of Jimin’s wrist, “come inside.”
Jimin tilts his head back and looks at the sky, blinking back the tears that threaten to spill, “I can’t,” he swallows, “please. I can’t breathe in there.”
Yoongi’s thumb rubs over his wrist, his leather glove a rough touch to Jimin’s skin under the layers of clothes he is wearing. Yoongi starts to draw circles on his wrist and Jimin’s tears topple over the rim of his eyes.
This is how Yoongi would always calm him down when Jimin would get on the verge of a breakdown. He would linger beside him in silence and let Jimin succumb to him. He would do it without a word and maybe that’s why Jimin never stopped to take note of those moments. The moments where his heartbeat started to listen to Yoongi’s and woven a bond so strong, it hurts to tear them apart now.
Jimin looks at Yoongi with pleading eyes, “hyung,” his lips quiver, “just turn me down one last time.”
“I won’t ever ask for more,” Jimin’s hand reaches desperately to cling onto Yoongi, “I’m begging, hyung. Please, you…” he steps closer to the elder, “just say no.”
Jimin takes another step to stand right in front of Yoongi with their boots touching, “just…”
Yoongi’s hold on his wrist tightens, “nothing changed, Jiminie,” his voice is nothing but a thin whisper, “your fears, your insecurities, your worries, all those are still here. Very much present. I don’t think I am ready for that heartbreak again. I don’t think I ever will—”
“I told my parents about me,” Jimin nods when Yoongi’s eyes widen, “they are fine with that. What else,” he clings to Yoongi, “you want me to tell the world? I will. If that’s what it takes to have you, I will.”
“I’d never want that, Jiminie,” Yoongi’s thumb swipes under Jimin’s eyes to wipe away those teardrops, “I will never want you to come out to the world until you’re ready yourself. I don’t think we owe that to anyone anyway. Surely not to the faceless gossipmongers. I just wish we could be ourselves without any fear. I don’t,” his face contorts, “I don’t want to be your dirty secret.”
“You won’t!” Jimin shakes his head desperately, “hyung, you won’t. I swear, I was a prick for doing that to you. I won’t ever do that again. If you give me another chance, I will keep you as my priority. I swear, hyung. Please.”
Jimin buries his face against Yoongi’s chest, “please. One last chance.”
Yoongi gently pulls back to look him in the eyes. Jimin shudders when the elder cups his face with his gloved palm, caressing his cheekbone with his thumb.
He looks at Yoongi’s face under the soft rays of the northern lights. The gentle pink and bluish hue reflect on those irises.
With those eyes shifting from Jimin’s to his lips, Yoongi leans in. Jimin’s eyes fluttered close when those lips touch his forehead. It breaks something in Jimin when he recalls all the nights he spent sleepless because he kept thinking about Yoongi’s kisses. How he cried himself to sleep so many nights because he believed he would never have these back.
Yoongi kisses his two eyelids next and Jimin’s tears smear across his lips. Jimin flutters his eyes open to look at the man in front of him. Yoongi returns that gaze. Those eyes searching something in Jimin’s quite hesitantly.
“Last chance,” Yoongi murmurs, “don’t break me like you did last time, Jiminie,” his voice wavers, “I don’t think I’ll be able to recover this time.”
Jimin nods all too desperate, “never again, hyung,” he grasps onto Yoongi’s coat, “never again.”
Yoongi captures his lips for a kiss and Jimin notices before his eyes close into the kiss that the aurora has turned bright red.
໒✧১
The two of them decide to tell the other five first. They sit them down and with a look at each other, tell them.
The silence feels tense as those five pairs of eyes stare at them. Yoongi feels Jimin’s grip on his hand tightens between them while his eyes move from one face to another.
“We knew,” Jin breaks the silence with a small nod, “whatever was going on between you two, we had a hunch.”
“You did?” Jimin gapes in shock, Yoongi is no better himself.
“It was pretty obvious,” Hoseok chews on his lower lip with a small smile, “why do you think I was edging you about Yijeongie even when I knew nothing was going on between him and hyung?”
“You fucking—” Jimin grits his teeth, “that was so wrong, what the fuck, hyung!”
“How did you all know?” Yoongi blinks, “we… never said anything.”
“The way you two acted around each other?” Namjoon waves his hand, “we have eyes, you know?”
“Also, the way you two look at each other,” Taehyung smirks playfully while Jungkook grins, “yeah, pretty obvious.”
Jungkook takes a confused look at the two of their shocked faces and leans forward, “I hope you two know,” he gestures at themselves, “we love you and we support you. We don’t…”
“We don’t think you’re doing anything wrong or whatever,” Namjoon finishes for Jungkook, “and, you can trust us with your secret.”
“Thank you,” Jimin swallows with something warm unfurling in his chest, “thank you so much, guys. I…” he risks a glance at Yoongi and then directs a teary smile at the others, “it means a lot to us. Thank you.”
“Oh, look at you,” Jin stands up with a soft laugh, “come here.”
They all huddle around Jimin and Yoongi with tears glimmering in their eyes. Jimin buries himself as close to Yoongi as he can, face hidden against that chest as tears of relief soak up the material of Yoongi’s shirt.
Yoongi wraps his arm around Jimin to pull him closer. His face buries into Jimin’s hair with his own eyes burning.
There is still that fear of the unknown. Something going wrong. But Yoongi can’t deny him this anymore. He can’t lie to himself that he doesn’t want Jimin at all. There is still that weak voice in his mind that reminds him how much he loves this man in his arms.
Jimin’s hold on him tightens, and Yoongi smiles to himself, pulling Jimin closer.
He will take this chance and see where it leads them. One last chance.
໒✧১
It takes them both some time to adjust to each other’s routine all over again. To catch up with each other’s lost two years. To talk about what they both were feeling and how they led their lives so far.
It takes time to settle into a routine of seeing each other after their work for some private time. Jimin starts to work on himself as he tries to navigate through everything. The two of them sign up for couples therapy at Yoongi’s insistence. Things start to look up as days go by.
.
.
“What?” Yoongi tilts his head to look at Jimin, “you’re giving me that look again.”
Jimin arches a brow, “what look?”
Yoongi shrugs, “the look where you have this half-smile and that faraway look in your eyes. What is it?”
Jimin looks down at Yoongi’s face. The elder is lying on the bed with his head resting on Jimin’s lap. Jimin just finished their skincare, put away the box full of products, and they are about to go to sleep. Yoongi’s eyes twinkle with the glow of the night-lamp. Jimin’s eyes trace over Yoongi’s face and he leans to peck Yoongi’s lips in that awkward angle before pulling away.
“I just…” Jimin scrapes his nails through Yoongi’s hair, “I can’t stop thinking that I lost this once. I can’t believe,” his throat bobs painfully, “I was stupid enough to let you go once.”
Yoongi’s confusion melts away to leave warmth on his cheeks. He looks away with that small smile. He sits up, cross-legged, face to face with Jimin. Their hands joined between them. Yoongi kisses Jimin’s knuckles.
“But now you are here,” he kisses Jimin’s knuckles, “mending the heart you broke. That’s all that matters. Remember that, Jiminie, you owned up to it. That counts.”
Jimin hesitates before asking, “you… are happy, right?” he looks down at their joined hands, “you don’t regret us. Do you? You don’t miss being with…” he can’t finish it.
“Jiminie,” Yoongi rubs his nose against Jimin’s cheek, “I was never with anyone else after you,” he fixes Jimin with a pointed but mirthful glare, “no. Not even with Yijeongie. I told you, we are just friends,” he cups Jimin’s face with a smile, “I may have moved on from you, Park Jimin, but I never found someone good enough to take your place in my heart. No one else,” he kisses Jimin gently, “just you.”
Jimin deepens the kiss, wrapping his arms around Yoongi’s neck and crawling up on Yoongi’s lap, “me too,” he licks into Yoongi’s mouth, “just you, hyung. I only want you. No one else. Ever. You…” he pulls back, glossy eyes wandering over Yoongi’s face restlessly, “you’re my home. I’m sorry for not realizing it sooner. I am so sorry.”
Yoongi chuckles, and shrugs, “as long as you return home, Jiminie, you are fine. Don’t worry. This home,” his eyes moisten, too, “will always belong to you.”
Jimin tightens his grasp on Yoongi, “and, I am not leaving this time. I hope you know.”
Yoongi nods with a reassuring smile, “I know.”
໒✧১໒✧১