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"And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past,
I travelled fifteen hundred miles to see you,
Begged you to want me, but you didn't want to."
John left us when I was just six years old, neither him nor Mom would tell us why. Just that he was leaving us. A couple of months later, after I saved all my pocket money, I bought myself a Greyhound ticket over the internet and snuck onto one of the buses. I made it the fifteen hundred miles to the town where I knew he lived now, I had to ask a someone where his house was and tell them that my Mom was in the bathroom. I walked the ten minutes to John's new house and when I got there, I saw him in the front garden just staring out at the houses, but he couldn't see me. I was about to run to him, to tell him I missed him, when a girl run out screaming, "Daddy!" I froze and watched as he turned and scooped her up, twirling around with her. He never did that with Sammy or me. The girl must have been about two or three years old, I start to walk backwards away from this house, wishing I never came.
Then a woman walks out, holding a glass of lemonade, "Here you go, honey."
John gives her a big smile before lowering the girl to the ground and accepting the glass from the woman, he leaned towards her and kissed her lips before wrapping an arm around her waist, "And how's our little bump?"
She laughed, "Not little anymore." She rubbed her belly, and that's when I finally looked down and saw she was pregnant.
John had left us for his other family.
Five years later, Mary is killed by a vampire and we are alone.
"But piece by piece, he collected me,
Up off the ground, where you abandoned things, yeah,
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me,
At six years old and you know, he never walks away,
He never asks for money, he takes care of me,
He loves me,
Piece by piece, he restored my faith,
That a man can be kind and a father could... stay."
Luckily, Mom knew loads of people and we are taken in by Bobby, who used to come around our house loads and play ball with Sammy and me after John left. But even with Bobby being our surrogate father, he couldn't fill the holes that John burned into me.
That came when I was 27 and I had spent practically my entire life feeling the holes John caused. But then I met Castiel - an Angel of the Lord - and yeah, in the beginning we didn't really get along. But this man saved me from Hell or as he put it "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition." And yeah, I didn't believe him when he told me he was an Angel of the Lord, I told him there was no such thing. I still remember what he said in response to that, "This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith."
I wanted to shout out, how am I supposed to have faith when I was abandoned and not good enough for my father, I couldn't protect my mother, I couldn't protect Sam. Hell, we are in this position because I made stupid decisions, how am I supposed to have faith when nothing good ever happens to our family.
I remember one Halloween when we were saying at the Moonlight Motel and some witches were trying to raise Samhain. After we managed to kill him, I told Sam that I needed some air and I went to the park. I sat watching the children that Sam and I saved because we didn't give up and we didn't take the easy way out. Castiel appeared beside me and I was so shocked that I didn't even jump, Castiel tells me that the Angels' true orders are to follow me, to do as I tell them. I thought I failed, but I told him I would do it all over again if it meant I could save the town.
Castiel confides in me that he was praying I would choose as I did, and that he has questions and doubts about the plan from Heaven. It's not till Castiel leaves that I realise that means he has faith in me, and without him meaning to he starts to restore my faith, piece by piece.
It's not till Cas is controlled by Naomi that I fully realise just how much I love him. When Cas starts attacking me, at first I couldn't believe it, and then I looked into his eyes and what looked back at me wasn't Cas. Not the Cas who pulled me out of Hell, who healed me over and over, the Cas who has faith in me despite the crappy decisions I mad. No, this wasn't my Cas. I tried to grab onto his arms, looking at him as I pleaded with him to stop, at first I didn't think he was going to but I felt the hesitation, so I pushed on and said the words that both of us needed to hear, "We're family, Cas. And... I love you." It was only then that I realised that Cas had his Angel Blade in his hand, but upon hearing what I said, he dropped it to the floor and stumbled backwards.
"Dean, I'm so sorry."
After Cas healed me and we got back to the bunker, he continued apologising. We didn't talk about how I said I loved him because Cas needed time to work through feelings after being mind controlled by Naomi. But Cas not leaving, him staying, him not abandoning me, helped to restore another piece in my faith.
"And all of your words fall flat,
I made something of myself and now you want to come back,
But your love, it isn't free, it has to be earned,
Back then I didn't have anything you needed so I was worthless."
Less than a week after Cas' mind control, he came up to me and asked me if I meant what I said, I almost wanted to tell him no because I didn't want him to abandon me. But I looked into his eyes and just told him the truth, "Yes." Cas pushed himself forward and kissed me, I hesitated for a moment before pushing myself into him and kissing him back.
A month after Cas and I kissed, Sam was still collecting bet money, and Cas was coming on more cases with us which meant that we had to get him his own selection of fake IDs which was fun to show him and see him use, particularly the first time when he held his FBI ID upside down, which I took great delight in teasing him afterwards.
We were on a hunt for a ghost who was killing men who were cheating on their partners. We had stopped at the police station to get the information on the victims, Cas and I were just walking out, joking around about how he held his ID the right way this time, when I nearly walked into someone. I twisted around, "Oh sorry, man." I then froze and just stared at the man in front of me.
The man stared back at me, "That's alright." But as I continued to stare at him, he said, "Do I know you?"
Cas touched my arm and I see the man look down at it before looking away, "Dean, are you alright?"
I looked at Cas and gather some strength before looking back at the man, "Hey, Dad."
John looked at me in shock, "Dean?"
I laughed darkly, "Yeah, Dad. It's me, one of the people you abandoned. I would like to think you remembered my name and all that, but considering that you didn't even recognise me and you wouldn't have remembered my name until Cas said it. I won't hold my breath."
John looked taken back, that I'm not the kid that he remembers . Back then, I would do anything to make him happy, but it never worked.
"Dean, don't talk to me like that, I'm still your father. You don't understand what happened all those years ago, and I bet your mother didn't tell you anything about it."
I curled my hand up and pointed a finger at him, "Don't you dare talk about her like that. You left us! Not her, you left."
"I had to go, there were problems. Your mom made me leave."
I rolled my eyes at him, "Stop lying! I know you have another family, you left because you were sick of us or mom found out, I don't know which one. But I saw your family, that girl was two or three when you left, that means you were sleeping with that woman when you were still with mom. Not only that but that woman was pregnant as well, so you were sleeping with her when you were supposed to be with us. And then you left us!"
"Is this what your mother has been telling you all these years? I didn't want to leave you, you know I loved you."
I almost staggered back into Cas at those words. "She's dead. She was murdered five years after you left us. You never phoned in those five years or the years since, so you can't blame her. You are to blame, you didn't want us and you never loved me. I didn't have anything you needed so I was worthless to you."
"Of course I did, Dean. And I'm father so you ought to respect me."
I barked out a laugh, "Respect you? Respect has to be earned and you didn't stick around long enough to earn my respect."
"Dean-"
"No, John. I'm done. I don't need you, I don't need your approval anymore." I turned around and take Cas' hand, to lead him away from the pain in my life.
"But piece by piece, he collected me,
Up off the ground, where you abandoned things, yeah,
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me, at six years old,
and you know, he never walks away,
He never asks for money, he takes care of me,
He loves me.
Piece by piece, he restored my faith,
that a man can be kind and a father could... stay."
I'm sitting down in at the table in the bunker, flicking through some old Men of Letters books. I yawn loudly and my jaw clicks, I reach for my glass of whiskey and take a couple of sips before putting it back down. I try to focus on the book but my eyes are starting to close, I close the book and stand up from the table, I pick up the glass and start walking towards the bedroom that Cas and I share, yawning the entire way there.
As I get further along the corridor I notice that there is a flickering light coming through the slightly open door, I tilt my head as I get closer. As I push the door open, I call out Cas' name, I walk into the room and see Cas looking at me with a caught out look on his face. The room is covered in lit candles and I can hear ACDC playing quietly from the iPod dock that Sam bought me.
I look around the room in shock before looking back at Cas, "What's going on?"
Cas squints at me and tucks something further behind his back, "Why are you in here? Normally you don't come to bed until gone midnight."
I narrow my eyes back at him, "Well I'm tired, you woke me up several times in the night and tired me out each time. Plus with Sam waking us up early for research, I didn't exactly have time to nap. So yeah, I'm tired. Plus I missed you, you've been hiding out in here for three hours, I wanted to check on you. Now, your turn, what's going on, Cas?"
Cas reaches behind himself again for something and pulls out a small box. "I was hoping to have it ready for when you came in. But, this will have to do. Dean, you... You've stuck by me, even when I betrayed you, even when I didn't come when you prayed for me. I worked with people, I shouldn't have, when I didn't listen to you. But I've loved you for a long time and you restored my faith in humanity. We were told such terrible things and when Uriel and I told you about that town, I was worried you would choose to save yourselves, but you proved me wrong again and again. I just... Dean, will you marry me?"
I'm in shock even as I look at the ring that Cas is showing me, which is a simple platinum band and is something I would have picked out. I look at Cas' face and I see the worry starting to set it so I nod, "Yes, you assbutt!"
Cas laughs, "You're never going to let that go, are you?"
I grin back at him, "Never, my dear fiancé."
Cas pulls the ring out of the box and shows me the inside, "It has a small emerald and a sapphire on the inside to represent us. I didn't think it would suit you to put it on the outside, but I wanted you to know for sure, that I'm with you till the end of the line. I love you, Dean."
I don't realise that I'm welling up until one tear hits my cheek, I brush it away, "Give me that ring." I grin at Cas as he slides it onto my finger. I lean forward and kiss him hard, taking both our breaths away, "I love you two, Cas."
My faith almost made completely whole by this one amazing man.
"Piece by piece I feel far from the tree,
I will never leave her like you left me,
And she will never have to wonder her worth,
because unlike you I'm going to put her first,
and you know, he'll never walk away,
He'll never break her heart,
He'll take care of things, he'll love her,
and piece by piece, he'll restore my faith,
that a man can be kind and a father should be great."
Three Years Later
"You don't get it! My parents were murdered! A vampire killed them!" The girl was screaming at the police officer in front of her.
"Miss, you need to calm down. We are doing everything we can, but making up lies isn't helping us figure out who killed your parents." The officer walks away and leaves her sitting on the steps of the ambulance.
Cas looks over at me, "No one's going to believe her.
I shake my head, "Nope. I remember when my Mom died, I only said it once and they looked at me like I was crazy, luckily for me, I had Bobby and he explained everything to me." I look at Cas and see he has his thinking face on, "What you thinking, Cas?"
Cas focuses on me, "She's only eight and she's an orphan, no one will believe her. What if... What if we tell her we believe her."
I shake my head again, "It will only make it worse when someone tells her that we were just humouring her or some crap like that." I pause, "But..." I look over at Cas who has become an expert at reading my face.
"Are you sure we're ready, Dean?"
I suck in a breath, "Well, I'm told I'm a natural with children, you are pretty good yourself. I love you, and... I think you'll be an amazing father."
"But how will we do this, Dean? What if she has family? How are we supposed to adopt her?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But, it would have been easier if you were still an Angel."
Cas rolls his eyes at me, apparently his poker face was one of his Angel powers, "You know I gave them up for us. I don't want to stay the same age, whilst you grow older and die. I wouldn't be able to survive that."
I grin and give him a quick kiss on the cheek, "I know, I feel the same. Now let's speak to her."
One Year and Five Months Later
"Happy Birthday, Izzy!" I bend down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Thanks, Dad." She takes the plate with a slice of cake on. She bounds over to Gabriel and sits down next to him.
I lean against the wall behind me and look around the Bunker, it used to be just Sam, Cas and me. It used to be so quiet, but the place is full now. What with Charlie, Gabriel, Balthazar, Kevin, Jo, Ellen, Bobby. Hell, even Rufus came today. It's the perfect environment for Izzy, she knows a little of what we all do. But she is surrounded by people who not only love her, but believe her.
I feel Cas walk over and stand next to me before he speaks, "I'm still surprised they let us adopt her."
I turn and smile at him, "They couldn't resist our charms. Plus the fake papers. Oh and a good review from Izzy certainly helped.
Cas turns back to look at Izzy, "It certainly did." We both watch Izzy try and protect her slice of cake from Gabe. He looks back at me "I better go save her," but as he walks towards her, she manages to manoeuvre herself so that she has pinned his arms down and is sitting down on him, eating her cake quite happily.
I call out to Cas, "Or save him."
Cas turns and grins at me before picking up Izzy and twirling her around. "Who wants to open presents?"
"Me! Me!" Izzy finishes her last square of cake and gives the plate to me as she and Cas go past. I put it in the sink and watch as Cas passes her various presents.
Cas 'ohs' and 'ahs' at each present and Izzy runs over to each person and hugs them tightly, thanking them. The last presents are from both Cas and I, she hugs Cas first and I hear him whisper, "I love you, Izzy," before kissing her forehead and letting her run over to me. I pick her up and spin her around, "You like you're party so far then, baby?"
She nods fast, "Yeah, Dad. I just..."
I wait for her to continue which she does and when she looks at me, I see tears falling down her cheeks. I carry her from the room before wiping the tears away.
"I miss them, Dad."
Her parents. "I know, baby. I still miss my Mom, letting yourself be happy doesn't mean forgetting. They always wanted you to be happy, this is honouring them. You know that, don't you?"
Izzy nods, "I know."
I see Cas walk into the room, "What's wrong?"
I look up at him, "She misses her parents."
A sad looks comes over his face, "Oh I'm sorry, Izzy."
She shakes her head, and I'm reminded that she had to grow up too fast, she is already wise beyond her years. "You're a great father, Daddy." She looks over at me, "And you of course, Dad."
I chuckle, "Thanks, baby."
Cas cups her face, "We love you, and we just want you to be happy."
Before any of us can respond, Charlie pokes her head around the corner, "Hey guys, you might wanna get in here and stop Gabe from eating all the candy."
Cas rolls his eyes, "Him and his sweet tooth," he mutters before holding his hands out to Izzy and scooping her up.
I stay behind and watch my husband and daughter walk back into the room containing all our friends and family.
Piece by piece, Cas restored my faith that a man can be kind and a father can be great.