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Obito sounds like he is thirty seconds away from falling over and simply dying on the spot. His breathing is loud and labored, heavy huffs shaking his entire wide frame, chest rapidly moving as he is using the last shreds of his strength to move his legs forward, frequently shaking left and right, almost like he's drunk. Deidara feels his heart loudly thrumming as she presses her cheek into his chest, the frequent beating somehow both managing to put her at ease from his closeness and make worry for his, as she assumes, rapidly declining health. Her fiance was by no means someone who preferred to skip workout at the gym for a hearty meal with his coworkers, but even then she didn't think he should have walked up five whole floors with her in his arms. Under any other circumstances, she would have never burdened him with something like that - she did love him, for god’s sake! She doesn't like watching him suffer like that, with numerous trails of sweat drops running across his exhausted face, his reddened cheeks wobbling as he is whispering something under his nose, either psyching himself up to take another step or outright praying to some higher deities. She doesn't like that at all, but...

Those fucking heels! Those stupid fucking heels! Earlier, she's walked another five floors in those stupid fucking heels before solemnly declaring that her feet have reached their breaking point and she'll just lie down and rot away on this very staircase. Obito, already a bit out of breath, turned towards her with a soft grin which, as always, made his scars look twenty times less severe, and gently nudged her with his shoulder as she was pressing her back against the nearest handrail, ready to start swearing like a sailor from the horrible excruciating pain from, admittedly, very pretty small dark ankle boots that, unfortunately, were not made for such exercises. He told her to dress up to the nines for this meeting, but why the hell did he not say that the elevator only works in the lower half of the building?! 

Deidara opened her eyes and gave Obito the most offended look she could muster without making herself look like she was pouting. He never took her seriously when she pouted at his antics, in fact, he said that always makes him want to grab her into a hug and snuggle with her under a giant blanket with a big mug of hot chocolate. That's why she never really bothered listening to whatever bullshit her family tried to spout about her fiance who was an entire decade older than her - she was marrying a teddy bear. A teddy bear with a deep web of scars across his right half of the face which made him look twice as intimidating than he really was, but a teddy bear nonetheless.

Said teddy bear's smile faltered as he looked into Deidara's eyes as they burned with righteous annoyance. Lowering his head to her level and giving her a whiff of his perfume, the smell of something warm and woody so familiar and comforting to her, Obito whispered to her if her legs were really hurting that bad. She quietly grunted in response, trying not to show how much she likes him standing here, a breath away from her, with a gentle hand at the low of her back. Their proximity was almost enough to make her forget her toes wailing at her in agony. Key word - almost.

"We can't really stop now that we're almost at the penthouse..." Obito left a quick peck at her temple, her bangs pleasantly brushing against his lips. "Besides, he must be waiting for us already. We just need to make one last final pus... Oh!" his face suddenly split into a wide smile. "I've got an idea: how about I carry you the rest of the way?"

Giving him the most "are you serious?" look, Deidara crossed her arms and, after sending a pointed glare at more stairs leading upwards, grumbled, "There's like, what, five more floors to go? You're not making it, Obito, hm."

"Well, now that you've said it, I absolutely will make it to the top," overdramatically puffing up his chest, Obito pushed his hands at his hips. "Besides, it's going to be a good training for the wedding. If I can carry you today, it's gonna be a piece of cake on our actual special day!"

Giving the stairs another hateful look, Deidara chose to give up for now, slightly wincing as she put the pressure on the other foot, trying to relieve some of the pain. If Obito's offering it - fine. Not like they ran into anyone on the way here - the top floors of the building seemed strangely devoid of tenants, so nobody will be there to see her acting like a damsel in distress in her prince charming's strong and muscular arms. Besides, she strongly suspected that she needs to save up her energy for arguments for later. Having had the misfortune to meet most of her fiance's family already, she knew that anyone with "Uchiha" in their name not being followed by "Obito" had almost a magical ability to get on her nerves by doing everything in the most annoying way imaginable.

Judging from what Onoki, who generally refrained to swear in front of his granddaughters, had to say about one certain Uchiha Madara, Deidara is about to meet someone who can easily take the prize "the single most bitchy piece of shit of her life" away from Onoki and a much more recent runner up in Uchiha Sasuke. 

Fucking hell, it's going to be a long day, isn't it? But looking at the man besides her - tall, strong, wide, thick lines of scars and barely tamed head of dark short hair, his deep dark eyes constantly filled with mirth as he simply gazes at her - and Deidara understands that she would bear spending time with all of his abhorrent relatives all at once if that means they will be together, if she will get the chance to wake up every morning within his warm embrace, her face lying on his chest, if she will be able to tell him all of her ideas on new art projects and listen to his stupid puns and raspy voice telling her... really, anything. God, she's turned so sappy. Hiding her blush behind her bangs, Deidara simply intertwined her hands behind his neck and took a comfortable position against his chest.

"Here... hff... we... hff.. are... agh..." Obito declares in a faux happy tone right now, putting her feet down and falling against the nearby wall, pressing his left cheek into it as his shoulders shook from the deep gulps of air he was taking. 

Deidara has to take a second or two to make sure she is standing properly on the heels and isn't gonna fall over the moment she tries to take another step, her hands get busy with straightening the creases on her dress - a very simple black one which pleasantly brushed against her knees with its cotton hem, not too revealing from the front (for the sake of the old prude they were visiting), but with open back, because Deidara could simply not hold back her rebellious nature and because of the way Obito's eyes didn't move as he peeked at her naked back whenever their gazes would meet in the mirror as she dressed up. She did put on a black leather jacket on top to not kill the old fart the moment she crossed his place's threshold, but now it felt suffocating, even after not having to climb five floors worth of stairs.

"You alive there?" shaking her jacket's side flaps to cool herself off somehow, Deidara turns to look at her fiance who was still pressed against the wall, trying to catch his breath. He really didn't look good, red face into the wall and messed-up hair glistening from sweat.

"Yeah... yeah... absolutely... I'm great, love... just... just give me a minute here, okay?.." Obito mumbles in a quiet tone, showing her thumbs up to try to make her believe that he is fine. Deidara, of course, didn't fall for it even for a second.

Great, just fantastic. They haven't even got past the door yet, and both of them look like they've been carrying heavy cargo on their backs for weeks and now just want to cuddle up under their large warm blanket on a lazy Sunday morning. Deidara is already beginning to regret agreeing to meet this "most important" member of Obito's family.

Finally, a while later he manages to straighten up and, after wiping his face and unsuccessfully attempting to tame his wild hair, Obito spins towards her with an awkward smile, his hand remaining at the back of his head, absentmindedly scratching there. He went to pick her up from their apartment straight after finishing up with the work at the ministry, so, unfortunately for Deidara, her fiance was currently looking way too uptight and boring in his dark suit and deep red necktie that's gotten messed up some time at work. Suits, for the lack of better word, never suited Obito, somehow making him look both too sullen and too ridiculous - a sentiment that Deidara expressed on their pretty much first meeting. Thank god he's agreed to let her design and make their wedding kimonos. As a seamstress, Deidara would make sure that all of Obito's... features would look absolutely dashing and irresistable on their day. His body - wide shoulders, heavy arms, strong chest - deserved to be put on pedestal and admired by all, no matter how many people in his life seemed to have repeatedly informed him how hideous his facial scars made him. Blind idiots, the lot of them, always huffed Deidara whenever Obito, especially before they got engaged, would try to put some distance between them because "he was too ugly for her". Thankfully, she'll have the rest of her life to rip this idea out of his mind with her own two hands. The only major thing standing between them and their wedding now was just some old asshole living on the twentieth floor with an elevator that works only up to floor ten, like he is some sort of long haired princess jailed at the top of a tower. Hopefully, the worst of it is already behind her. Not that Deidara believes that her hopes will ever be answered whenever it comes to people from the Uchiha family who are not Obito.

"Well... here we are," a short cough later the object of her (frequent) daydreaming continues. "I did call granddad yesterday and told him that I'll be coming by with someone really special..." Obito sends a quick warm glance her way and the ends of her lips unconsciously spread in a small smile. "He usually opens the door beforehand, but I think we should still press the bell... just, you know, to be safe," he makes a carefree giggle that all of the sudden seems very forced to Deidara.

What the hell "just to be safe" was supposed to mean? Deidara stared at Obito with a mix of confusion and caution in her eyes the entire time it took him to lead her towards the lone black door with a weird fan-like symbol on it, his hand warm and its weight familiar against her waist. Who the fuck is Uchiha Madara supposed to be? She's already figured that he must be an S-rank asshole, judging from what Onoki had to say about him and whatever off-hand comments during the meeting with Obito's family she managed to catch coming from his uncle and younger cousin, Fugaku and Sasuke. But what the fuck can an old fart do to warrant such worry from her fiance who was pretty much always the tallest guy in the room? Who carried her all the way here? Not easily, sure, but he did it! A shadow of foreboding settles inside of Deidara's chest. The last few steps that they make before they come face to face with the door and Obito's index finger is pressed into the small button next to it Deidara spends desperately trying to remember all those moves that she was taught at the martial arts classes that she and her sister used to take back in middle school.

Beeeeep

The annoying high-pitched trill of the bell seems to echo inside the space behind the door. Deidara started to kind of hope that the old asshole they were supposed to be visiting decided to go for a walk instead of waiting for them to arrive. The details on how the fuck Obito's grandfather was supposed to go down ten floors all on his own didn't really bother her at the moment, he could have climbed down the side of the building for all she cared. Understanding that the feeling tightening in her chest was something too close to fear for her comfort, Deidara clenched her fists in irritation. What the hell has gotten into her? Is she really afraid of some old geezer? Seriously? And an Uchiha at that? Has she lost her damn mind from the stress of planning all the minor details of the wedding? What a load of bullshit, no Uchiha will ever be able to intimidate her in any capacity. Deidara had no doubts about "grandad Madara" being as full of himself as all of Obito's relatives. Imagining Itachi's and Sasuke's insufferable faces, she felt the inner fighting instinct flare up on the inside. It's been five solid seconds since Obito pressed the damned button and nothing's happened yet - hell like she's just gonna stand there and wait for some miracle to happen. With an annoyed huff, Deidara reaches her carefully manicured hand towards the door handle, hearing it click as it opens, ready to swing it ope–

"Wait-wait-wait-wait, love!" Obito's warm hand is suddenly on top of hers, trying to gently pull it away from the silver surface. "You can't just barge in like that, it's way too fast, let's just give it a few more seconds, okay?"

"You said that it's open, Obito," Deidara points out, turning towards him with a quick turn that causes her long curled bangs to shake around her face, getting in the way of the view on her fiance. "What are we waiting for? You already warned him about us visiting, he knows who is coming, what's the hold-up?" rising an eyebrow, she adds in a lower voice. "Is he feral or something? Are you keeping him here to not allow him to attack the guests?"

"Love!" Obito's tone is as quiet as hers, but filled with indignation. "Don't talk about grandpa like he's some sort of naughty pet! Yeah, he's gotten a bit more... quirky..." he can't keep up the offended look for long as he is faced with her grumpy face, his dark eyes choose to focus on some very fascinating spot above them while his voice trails off, "with age... But I promise, he is completely cordial! Most of the time, anyway... Ahem, this is just something that happens as people get older! I'm sure even we'll start acting weirder when we get to that age, hehe!"

"You know perfectly well that if there is the slightest chance that I'll end up like Onoki, I'd prefer not to live up to that age," mutters Deidara back in the most dead tone imaginable.

"Don't say such things, love..." Obito's eyes became darker with sadness and Deidara immediately wanted to kick herself for this. Likely noticing her sullen look, Obito began grinning as hard as he could with his usual wide smile, slightly crooked because of his scars. He confessed to her that he always tried to smile less after getting them, believing that it makes him look creepy and ugly, and Deidara's since then made a point to grin back at him to make sure that Obito always knew how much she loves his smile. In the end, she thinks she's made great progress, judging from how sadness vanishes from his gaze. "Anyway, let's just wait a little bit, okay? I'm sure grandpa'll be getting tired of waiting around now, so he's gonna do something in, like, five, four, three, two–"

Obito was off by only about a second. There is a short grinding sound coming from the inside of the apartment, Deidara thinks that it must be wood grinding against another wooden surface, short followed by a noise of air cutting as something is flying and then–

BAM

The door audibly shakes when something heavy collides with it from within. Deidara doesn't manage to stop herself from jumping up and trying to hide behind Obito's wide body. Peeking out from behind his shoulder, she stares at the weird symbol as if it was going to jump at her too. What the fuck was that? Did the old man throw something at the door? Is this supposed to be "completely cordial" in Obito's book? Yeeting something big whenever guests came by? What in the actual fuck was that old asshole was about?

"Ah, there it is!" not batting an eye, Obito begins reaching for the door handle, as if things like that were supposed to happen whenever he went to visit someone. "The coast should be clear now. Let's go, love, grandpa is waiting!" Deidara suddenly has a feeling that Obito is trying as hard as possible to make it seem like he doesn't notice her questioning eyes.

With a slight creak, the door easily opens, but she can not make out anything beyond the threshold, the area in front of them is submerged in complete darkness, making Deidara wish she could grab at Obito without later dying of embarrassment. God dammit, why is she being such a little pathetic bitch today? Her angry thoughts aren't enough to dispel the apprehension rising inside of her from the weirdness of the situation. Stupid old man, stupid tradition, stupid everything. Deidara's eyes get a little bit used to the difference in lighting between the corridor outside and the interior, so she finally manages to make out the thing that's been sent flying into their direction - a large rectangular pillow, about her size. What the?..

"Grandpa! It's me, Obito! I called yesterday that I would come by with someone really special, remember?" not batting an eye, Obito pushes the door wide open and easily steps over the pillow, tugging Deidara behind him, who continues to stare at the soft thing in confusion. Now that the corridor has become a bit more well-lit, she can make out a lot more things in the apartment - a tall dark mahogany wardrobe on the left, a small shoe cupboard on the right, fluffy carpets with the same weird fan-like patterns spread over every inch of the floor. But what causes Deidara to stop ogling the gaudy choice of obviously very expensive furnishing stands at the very end of the corridor.

Is that a goddamn catapult?

Well, that certainly explained how the old asshole managed to send a pillow this size soaring through the air straight into his (presumably unsuspecting) guests' faces. Now the reason as to why the fuck Obito's grandfather would have a mini-catapult in his rich old man's home was yet to be found. Deidara, utterly stumped, turns her face towards Obito who was still cheerfully grinning at someone who didn't even seem to be in the same room as them. Wait, where is that Madara? No way the catapult activated on its own?

"Do not shout, Obito, I am not yet deaf," a grouchy hoarse voice grumbles from the darkness. It takes just this one phrase to set off all alarms on Deidara's old-bitch-meter she's developed throughout the fifteen years she's had to share a roof with Onoki. "But if you do wish to ensure that your poor grandfather becomes unable to hear anything, feel free to continue screaming your head off."

A door slides open to the left of the catapult and Deidara now is finally faced with the legendary (according to Onoki's and Obito's uncle's family's complaining) Uchiha Madara. Her first impression of him wasn't exactly... something extraordinary. Just some old man, about her height, though probably taller as he is hunched over from the age, clothed in a long black dressing gown, his gray hair hanging around his thin saggy face long and untamed. At least Deidara can see the resemblance in this, sending a quick look towards Obito's short unruly mess of hair, the sight of his grandfather reminding her of the photos that Obito showed her where he was like fifteen at best and was trying to (unsuccessfully) rock a long-haired look. But the devil, of course, was in details. First it was the old asshole's walking cane - purposefully decorated in such a way to resemble an actual scythe. Who the hell does he think he is, a shinigami? Well, Deidara guessed he looked like one at the end of the barely lit corridor, half hidden behind the wall. But then she saw it. The old man's eyes.

Madara watched her with such raw pure loathing that Deidara involuntarily jerked the moment their eyes met. There was no doubt in her mind that he was staring right at her and only her - the man's bloodshot red eyes do not move a millimeter away from her face even when Obito starts to make some excuses that he wasn't even that loud and grandpa is overreacting. She can almost sense the daggers that the ancient asshole would have likely tried to send her way if he could, such was the intensity of Madara's hatred towards her. The old man may look feeble, but Deidara immediately knows that this guy is evil enough to live on a secluded bog like some sort of bitchy hag that steals young naive girls and offers to resurrect their dead husbands as zombies in exchange for their yet to be born babies.

Despite having seen Madara for barely ten seconds, Deidara already understands that she is going to hate him as much as other Uchiha family members, if not more.

"...anyway, grandpa, this is the special someone I've mentioned before!" Obito, acting like a dumbass who suddenly forgot how to read the room, steps away, pointing with his arm at her, and mildly startled Deidara loses the only physical barrier separating her and Madara. Of course, she wasn't raised a coward, so instead she chooses to stand her ground and send a burning glare of her own, her eyes faltering for a moment as the corridor suddenly lights up fully when Obito finds the switch on the side. "This is Deidara, but you might have heard about her fro–"

"I do not care for who this wench is," resolutely interrupts Madara, thin bony fingers tightening on the knob of the walking cane. Deidara doesn't know if she should laugh at his poor excuse of an insult or fire back with one of her own. Probably shouldn't, judging by the deeply offended gasp that Obito makes.

"Grandpa! Do not ever use such language when talking about Deidara!" Obito seems to be genuinely railed up on her behalf, even after trying to make Deidara believe that his grandfather isn't as much of a cunt as she suspected him to be. It was kind of cute. "And what did I say about that thing?" pointing his index finger at the catapult's direction, Obito continued. "How many times have I asked you to put it back into the closet? You can't just point it at the door whenever someone comes by!"

"Watch your tone, Obito," grumbles Madara back, demonstratively turning around and clacking with his cane as he walks back to whatever room he was hiding in before. "Being chastised by my own grandson, in my own home where I am not allowed to feel safe anymore, what is the world turning to be..."

Ah, guilt-tripping. How lovely. Now Deidara really gives no shit about this guy's blessing. No, she'd rather grab Obito right now and drag him to the first wedding hall they come across. The more it pisses the old bastard off, the better.

"Grandpa, nobody is trying to attack you here," Obito drawls out in a louder tone as he is shrugging off his suit’s jacket and reaching out his free hand, offering to take Deidara's own. "You can't just throw things at people coming to visit, it's really rude. And I certainly remember you promising me that you wouldn't use it this way if I ordered it for you from Kakuzon!"

Stopping for a second, Deidara raises her eyebrow while watching Obito put away their outdoor clothes in the wardrobe, "Wait, it was you who ordered the catapult?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, grandpa was thrilled when he saw it on an ad on his Leafone one day, I couldn't just say no to him," he turns to her with a sheepish grin. Proceeding to raise his index finger, he adds, "And it's not a catapult, it's a trebuchet."

"Does it really make that much of a difference if it is used by some old asshole to throw giant pillows at strangers?"

"Love..." Obito makes a deep sigh, his shoulders falling in defeat. "I know grandpa can be a bit... difficult at times, but it does not change the fact he's someone very important to me. We'll just chat with him for a bit, he must be so cranky because he's bored, no one must have visited him in months... I knew uncle Fugaku certainly wouldn't do that..." he adds in a smaller voice, scratching at his nape, his eyes running around the walls of the corridor, decorated with many framed photos of some fancily dressed people. Something tells Deidara these aren't from the family photo album. Looking more determined, Obito turns towards her and grabs at her right hand, his warm fingers brushing against the silver band there, "But anyway, we'll tell him about our engagement, ask him for his blessings, laugh over some stories with a cup of tea and then we'll be off! I promise, it's not gonna be as bad as you think it is."

"I didn't say a single thing about what I think, hm."

"You know I can read everything on your mind simply from the way you twist your lips, love," Obito uses this as a chance to leave a quick kiss on the object of their discussion. She doesn't mind it one bit. Watching her posture grow relaxed, he whispers in an excited tone, "Come on, we can do this! Grandpa is the final boss on our main quest "Get through all of our relatives before the wedding"! I doubt he'll be acting worse than your granddad did when I came to properly introduce myself as your fiance!"

"First of all, Onoki is not my grandfather," grumbled Deidara, shrugging off her shoes and waiting for Obito to do the same. "Second of all, your old man would have to pull something bigger than "I will personally revoke your diplomatic visa and get Interpol on your ass" and I don't think anyone is beating that in the next decade, hm," she can't hold back a laugh as she says it. They really did go through a lot. But at least it's going to be finally over today. Come evening and they'll be sitting on the couch, sharing a glass of champagne and bickering about the colors of their wedding kimono.

Now she just has to get through some old bitter weirdo. All in all, it could have been worse.

"Come on, let's go beat the final boss together," Deidara adds sarcastically, taking the opportunity to mess through Obito's hair as he is bent down, untying the laces on his shoes. Really soft. Like a large silly dog. "Someone has to be buffing you from the sides, after all."

He catches her arm on top of his head and, rising, grins back at Deidara, "Oh, my senpai is so talented. All-knowing on the Land of Earth's customs, charitable enough to share her insights on Iwagakure culture, and now assisting me with a big badass boss called grandpa. Just how did I manage to get so lucky..."

"Oh, shut it already..." Deidara rolls her eyes and they set off into the depths of Madara's lair, as she already started to call the place in her mind. Obito does turn around and takes a moment to pick up the pillow still sadly lying near the door, shaking off any dust that it might have caught, before putting it against the wardrobe's side.

Wait, is that?..

No, no way. This must be her imagination, some weird thing Madara probably asked Obito to buy. She never understood old men and didn't plan on starting now.

They pass through the lair's seemingly endless walls (Deidara did live with her family in a large penthouse herself before running off towards university's dormitories as soon as she could, but that home was for two children, two parents and an old Iwa bitch, why would an old Konoha bitch need all of this space for himself?) and more and more pictures come into view. Gray, colored, some even hand drawn - from every single frame young Madara's face was watching her with his nose upturned. She figures that it must be him - he's got the same resting bitch face his son and two other grandsons got. The only other consistent part about the photos was some guy with long brown hair and a sincere, puppy-like look. Judging by the uneven edges and the cheap look of the paper in the frames, a lot of them were newspaper cutouts. Now that she thinks about it, Obito's uncle did become the head of some Land of Fire party somewhat recently, didn't he? So that's who the previous chairman must have been, huh.

Deidara stops staring at the pictures after a while, her face turning into an expression of complete lack of amusement. What a self-centered cunt. He's retired and covers every single centimeter of his home with the photos of himself, young and successful. Onoki might be getting a proper competition in Deidara's personal ranking of "the worst person to walk earth in the seventy plus category".

Obito slides open the door for her and Deidara gets her first good look at what must be Madara's guestroom. It's nothing she doesn't expect - tall ceiling-high windows instead of the walls on the opposite side, revealing a very pretty view on Konoha's eastern areas, daylight streaming into the room and blinding her after going through the corridor before; a long black couch turned out to stand right by one of the windows, for the moment resembling a dark hole for her unadjusted eyes; instead of framed photos, here all the walls are lined with heavy dark bookshelves, all filled to the brim with what, she presumes, to be different journals, ancient tomes and magazines with flashy covers. Her eyes are starting to hurt just from trying to read a few of the titles - that strangely seem familiar to her, but she isn’t sure why - on the spines, so Deidara chooses to focus on something else in the room, which, if you were to disregard the library-esque details, was otherwise pretty barren. A large TV was hanging to their left, surrounded by even more shelves which seemed to be specifically made in such shapes to accommodate the ridiculously gigantic TV ( rich old men a grumbly voice whispers in Deidara's mind), something like a... CD player?.. attached to it from beneath, but she has some doubts that someone like Madara would actually know how to use technical appliances if it required pressing more than two buttons in a row to work. At least that was the case with Onoki. Right across the TV was standing the sole black armchair where Madara was currently residing, with an expression as dark as the leather of the armchair he was sitting on that seemed to swallow his thin figure. A tiny glass table next to his right arm with the TV remote control on top of it and a small stool in front of him which, in theory, should be pretty comfortable to put your legs on, gave Deidara a general idea that this must be the place where Uchiha's oldest pain in the ass preferred to spend his hopefully very limited time on this plane.

"What are you staring at?" her musings were interrupted by the sounds of Madara hissing with barely controlled vitriol. "Did he find you in the slums? Never had to see something more expensive than the rags you are wearing?"

Rags?! This is my favourite dress, you fucking piece of shit! "Oh, that's rich, coming from someone dressed in their ugliest bathroom robe, hm. Or did you take the curtains off the windows before greeting us, huh, old man?"

"Bah!" Madara looks like he is about to spit in her direction. Deidara kind of wishes he would do this, at least she'll be justified in Obito's eyes when she kicks the armchair from beneath that asshole. "And this is who you are bringing to my house, Obito? Have you lost all of your shame during your stay in Iwagakure? Do you think I did not have enough embarrassment in my life from my son and other grandchildren, so you have chosen to make my suffering all the worse? Is that it, Obito?"

"No, grandpa, I've already told you many times that I'm not on whatever nefarious plot you imagine me to be," Deidara can almost feel Obito strain from how much he was refraining from rolling his eyes. He continued to speak in that annoyingly placid tone, almost like trying to make a bratty kid eat their porridge, "Besides, you are the one that started things off by insulting her, so I don't understand why are you acting surprised that–"

"Enough. I'm not interested in your excuses, Obito," Madara cuts him off, his bushy eyebrows furrowed, making his face even more unpleasant to look at. "You wished to talk? Fine, take a seat. The girl can find a spot for herself, I suppose. If she is capable of doing that ," the old man sarcastically hisses while pointing at the stool in front of him.

A stool that would probably creak and cry if Obito as much as looks at it. Is that old man seriously expecting his 36 year old grandson to fit on that thing? Okay, fine, theoretically that would be possible (not that Deidara believes in something like that, having had to bear the burden of Obito's weight whenever they sleep together on one tight bed), but where the hell is he expecting her to sit? On the other side of the goddamn room? Or is he seriously expecting her to sit on the floor? Like a fucking dog?

"You're starting to get on my nerves, gramps," Deidara declares in the coldest voice imaginable, her face smoothing into a perfect mask of sweetness. At least those etiquette lessons that she and Kurotsuchi were forced to go to paid off sometimes.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Obito's scars paling, his face twisting like he was having a bad stomach ache. Yeah, sorry, but she is not about to take shit from some old asshole. Growing up, she's had to clash with Onoki way too many times to stop acting upon this habit. Besides, Madara is just giving her bad vibes with his evil glares and snake-like hissing. On one hand, if this bitch tries to get in the way of their wedding, he isn't going to be able to stop them in the same sense that Onoki could (things came to point where Deidara had to threaten him with hijacking a biplane and leaving the country once and for all, she did get her piloting license a few years back), but she knows Obito'll be pretty upset if his grandfather doesn't give his blessings to them, and the manipulative sack of shit will probably try to exploit this as much as he can. Judging from what she's heard during their dinner with the rest of Uchiha family, the two of them were pretty close before Obito had to leave for his work in Iwa, at least no one from that side of the family was as welcome to visit the hag's lair at the top of the tower of evil as Obito was. Thinking about how his tough and stern persona crumbled whenever it was just the two of them, Deidara has a pretty good guess on why Madara preferred her fiance to be his errand boy.

The old man stares at her with similarly cold eyes, the flabby skin on his cheeks quaking as he grimaces, "And this is who you are bringing this time? You must have lost your mind in that blasted Iwagakure, Obito. At least the last ones were better than talking back to me five minutes after crossing the threshold."

Wait, what? The last ones ? What the hell did the old man mean? Deidara is pretty sure that Obito never tried to marry before that, hell, he even admitted to her that he hadn't properly dated anyone in years when they first took it off, always asking her for ideas whenever they would go out, because his expertise was extremely lacking in the area. She doesn't believe for a second that Obito would lie to her like that, and her raised eyebrow with a questioning gaze is met with dark eyes of her fiance, similarly filled with confusion.

"Sorry, grandpa, I don't think I followed just now," Obito still stands beside her, ignoring Madara's earlier order to sit in front of him like a damn kid. "What do you mean by "the last ones"? I've never brought anyone like that before, and–"

"You little lying brat!" suddenly, Madara slams his bony fist against the armrest, his hair flying around him almost like the wings of an old vulture. "Do you think I do not see through you?! That I have no idea about what you are planning?! Maybe your mind is muddy as the water in Iwagakure, but I can clearly understand what you are trying to do here by bringing this wench along!"

"Wha– grandad, calm down!" Obito steps in front of Deidara, covering her from the old man's sudden outburst. Not that she's particularly afraid of him now, peeking out from behind his shoulder to get a better view at Madara's reddish eye whites. Is it some weird family feature - to get all red-eyed whenever they get pissed? "Whoever you think she is, she isn't! She is my–"

"That damned Land of Earth has made you lose all respect for your only grandfather!" continued to bellow Madara in a deep voice that now frequently cracked from his fury. "Bringing a... a woman like that, in my own home, without my permission! Attempting to hide it from me, lying straight into my face! How dare you, Obito?!"

"Grandad, what are you talking about?! Who do you think she is?!"

"Don't try to act like an idiot, Obito, you’ve never been a smart one even on a good day!" Madara tries to stand up, but his knees weaken for a moment, so he opts for simply pointing at Obito with his walking stick, making his grandson jump to the side to avoid being hit. Now that looked like muscle memory, mused Deidara. "I have told you many times - I am absolutely fine! I do not need yours, or Mikoto's, or anyone's help, including that..." Madara's lips twist in disgust, almost like he is seconds away from barfing after looking at Deidara. "that caretaker’s!"

"A caretaker?.." Deidara whispers with as much, if not more, disgust as Madara did, turning her neck at an awkward angle to stare at Obito with a raised eyebrow.

Obito, after making an expression of some very intensive thinking process ongoing in his mind, cheers up instantly, his smile growing wide even under very intense glares coming from the furious old man and the annoyed young woman.

"Hahaha! Grandad, no, you misunderstand!" hitting his palm against his thigh, Obito perks up, pushing his left arm against his side, while his other one quickly wraps itself around Deidara's waist, pushing her forward, closer to him. "I haven't told you everything because I wanted it to be a surprise! Grandpa, this is Deidara, she's my fiance!"

bonk

The end of the walking stick plops against the floor with a dull noise. Madara gets an expression of a very intense thinking process ongoing in his mind, the family resemblance becoming uncanny. If both of them manage to make it to this age, Deidara'll personally be cutting Obito's hair. She won't be a wife of mister hag 2.0.

"A fiance?.." Madara blurts out, now frequently blinking, his eyes switching from his grandson to the woman besides him. After a few seconds of simply gaping at the two of them, while Obito's smile began to look strained and Deidara raised her chin in a challenge, he added in a stronger, but still incredulous voice, "A fiance?"

Obito seems to be beaming like a ray of sunshine when he turns towards Deidara, face clear and full of hope, "Yes, Deidara is my fiance and, very soon, I hope to call her..." voice hitching, he finishes the phrase in a quieter tone filled with adoration, "my wife."

Deidara feels blush incoming on her cheeks. How does this man manage to make everything sound so adorably... sensual? Intertwining her fingers stronger with his, she smirks at him too, thinking of how she can't wait to be able to call him her husband. Growing up, she's never imagined herself caring that much for her wedding or even if she is gonna have one. But Obito's sweet and sappy dreams became her own too, and now she can't imagine being indifferent to all of those adorable little things during their ceremony.

"A fiance?!" the wonderful spell under which both of them seemed to have fallen for a moment was broken by the old man in the leather armchair, now lying back in it, perplexed. "You're getting married, Obito?"

"Yes, grandpa, that's what "having a fiance" generally means," replies Obito with just a barely noticeable roll of his eyes. Good, so she's rubbing off on him too. Deidara has to hold herself from making a mean giggle.

Madara stares at them for a while, completely silent. His eyes slowly move from Obito to Deidara and back. When his eyebrows look like a one bushy caterpillar on his forehead, the man finally opens his mouth to announce his words of wisdom.

"No."

Obito chokes on air, his face palling, "Wha– what do you mean "no"?"

"No, you are not marrying," Madara replies in that same incredulous tone, his statement somewhere in between an order and a shocked denial of reality.

Well, shit. Now things are getting complicated. Both Uchihas remain unmoving, simply gawking at each other, so Deidara decides that it's a good time to intervene. Madara will not get into her and Obito's way.

"That's not for you to decide, old man," her voice seems to have awoken the other two from their trance, both heads turn to her, one with contempt clearly written all over his face and another one with a mix of shock and trepidation.

"Love, don't–" tries to whisper to her Obito, but it's too late, Madara has already gotten fired up, his nostrils flaring and eyes turning into evil slits.

"Remain silent until addressed, girl," the old man practically spits in her direction and Deidara makes a decisive step forward, only stopping because of the way Obito's arm tightens over her waist, she feels her teeth baring from the way anger burns up in her chest. "Obito, be serious now. Who in the hells is this girl?"

Obito splutters in indignation, still holding onto Deidara's waist, "I just told you - she is my fiance! F-I-A-N-C-E! Look!" he shoves his left hand forward, showing off the silver band on his ring finger, the metal shining prettily in the afternoon light.

"I care nothing for the trinkets you've put all over yourself," Madara rolls his eyes, sitting up straight in the armchair. "Obito, this girl is younger than Sasuke. Who do you take me for?"

"No, she is not! I mean... er... um..." Obito always would get flustered whenever the topic of her age would be brought up. Even from the corner of her eye, Deidara can make out how the tips of Obito's ears start to turn scarlet, brightly contrasting against his pale face.

"Don't. Ever. Compare me. To that little shit," mutters Deidara through tightly clenched teeth, overtaking the conversation from Obito who seems to lose any and all of his negotiating skills whenever he is faced with his grandfather. "I will be 26 next May. Enlighten me, does that make me eligible for a senior citizen discount already, or here in Konoha you're supposed to wait a bit longer?"

"Acts like a child and speaks like one," Madara points out with a touch of disgust. "I never realized that this is where your interests lay, Obito. And what of her clothes? Is this the latest fad in the red lights districts in Iwagakure? This might explain her garbled speech, I can barely understand the noises she is making."

"You–" Deidara is about to drown the old bitch in all possible variations of insults from Iwa, Konoha and probably Suna too, but her breath catches in her throat when Obito, twisting, grabs at her waist with his left hand, his sudden closeness shuts off some of the fight in her, and she is gently guided behind his back. Deidara raises her eyes to meet his and is surprised to see that steely darkness appear in his gaze, the one usually reserved for some really disagreeable politicians and other individuals Obito really detested.

"Grandfather," Obito turns away from her, back straight and shoulders wide, and starts to speak in a deep silky tone, sharp razor notes barely hidden beneath the surface. "I do not appreciate the things that you, as a family member, are trying to insinuate about me, but what I can not forgive you is the way you treat everything Deidara, whom I deeply love, does. She is not some idiot woozy picked off the street, she is incredible and talented at so many things. Every single moment she enjoys life to the fullest, and I strive to be like her in that regard, she's so much I dreamed of and more. I wished to get your blessings for our wedding - and I wish to spend the rest of my days with her, this decision is absolutely final - but if this is how you will act, then I will leave here and now. Maybe it will be disappointing for me to not have your support, but Deidara doesn't deserve to hear these vile things you insist on saying."

Deidara stands behind him, gazing at the back of his head with bated breath. A small part of her is pissed at him for whiteknighting her when she never asked for it, she can certainly put some old asshole in his place, but most of her feels all melty from how much love she experiences for Obito right now. She knows he means this, every single word, and it makes flames dance on her skin. He really is hers. Deidara can't see Madara from this angle, but she really hopes his face looks as sour as a lemon right now.

"So that's what is..." Madara's old grumbling now sounds a bit frailer than before. Is he trying to make Obito feel bad for him? "You abandon me, you run off into another country, you are gone for several years, and now you return with a little witch in tow... A witch that has completely turned you away from me... I see what's going on here," all of the sudden, Deidara hears the noise of the end of the walking stick hitting the carpet, along with the creaking of the armchair as if someone is rising from it. "It was a wonderful day to learn that I have lost my last grandson. Have a good day, Obito."

Mildly surprised, Deidara watches as the old man scurries away towards the other door in the room, the flaps of his black robe dramatically flying behind him as he slides it open with surprising swiftness for his age, before vanishing in that room with a resonating bang as the door slides back into its original position. Obito watches it all silently, his back perfectly straight the entire time until Madara goes out of their sight, then proceeds to double over, his palms loudly clasping as they hit his head, her fiance makes a noise similar to a deflating balloon.

"This is the worst..." he quietly murmurs under his breath, dark eyes trained on the now closed door. Deidara takes a step forward, standing in front of Obito, noticing how tired and miserable he suddenly looks. If at first she felt like bursting into laughter from the old man's unexpected temper tantrum and loud door shutting, now she just feels irritation returning to her. She hates seeing Obito down. Most of the time he was either in his "professional" mode, calculating and slightly sarcastic when facing his opponents, a sharp quip always at the tip of his tongue, or "domestic" which he rarely showed in front of his family, but pretty much constantly before her, especially if it was just the two of them, whispering to each other their dreams and jokes in between deep long kisses. He doesn't deserve to have to lose his crooked smirk, ever.

"Is he always like that?" left hand gently rubbing his shoulder, while the fingers on her right began to angrily twist at her dress's fabric, Deidara asks in what she hopes is a neutral tone, making Obito break eye contact with the closed door behind which she could certainly make out some clincking noises. Something like dishes? Is that supposed to be the kitchen?

"Not really, no... Well, he didn't use to be like that... when it came to me, at least..." Obito sighs, fingers massaging against the bridge of his nose. "Generally, it would be uncle's family whom he would treat like that, so whenever we'd need to make a decision as a family or just visit him for holidays, they'd send me in," oh, how lovely. So Obito is Uchiha's local sacrificial lamb. Good to know she has one more reason to hate them. Obito continues, his hand rising to his shoulder, gently grasping at her fingers and intertwining them, while his eyes drift back towards the door, "Uncle did mention that he's been getting "more unbearable" in the last few years, and I think I am starting to see what he meant..." sadness floods Obito's eyes, making them seem darker. "Grandpa at least tried to keep his temper in check with the visitors back then, I was honestly slightly shocked that he would..." Obito pauses, his face twists in a weird mix of pain and disgust, "say those horrible things to you right away," turning his face towards Deidara, he gives her a deeply apologetic look that probably would have made him fit with the sinners on the deepest levels of hell. Gaze falling down, somewhere to his feet, Obito adds in a quiet voice, "Then again, I never spoke so rudely to him before..."

"Obito, don't," Deidara resolutely cuts him off, crossing her arms on her chest with a frown. "This is exactly what he wants. You think I haven't seen such theatrics from Onoki? He knows that he's an old loser who is not getting his way, so he's going to act like you're personally drilling nails into his coffin, hm. Don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong."

"Love, please..." unfortunately, her words seem to take the opposite effect and make Obito look even more tired, he rubs at the skin below his eye bags. Deidara bites at her lip, trying not to pout. She's told the truth! Only the truth! Stupid meddling old man, and an Uchiha at that, already ruining her day... 

Desperately thinking of something else to say, just to distract Obito and make him stop looking so uncomfortable and miserable, Deidara raises her eyebrow, remembering the earlier exchange, "Did he seriously mistake me for a potential caretaker?.."

At least this does distract Obito somewhat, his face taking a slightly more serious expression. She'll take that at this point, "Ah, that. Yes, I think so."

"Ew. Gross."

"Being mean to elderly is really not nice," Deidara feels some relief when Obito's edge of the lips perk up for a moment. "I actually kind of forgot about this before we came here, but yeah, I did bring a few girls here when it was first announced that I would need to move to Iwagakure for work. To help with cleaning and cooking, I mean," Obito hastily adds, red setting at the tips of his ears. 

Deidara only rolls her eyes, "Yeah, Obito, I figured. Your first date ideas were pretty wild, but I'm pretty sure even you wouldn't drag someone to your old man's place for a terribly romantic dinner for three."

"Hey, they weren't that bad!" puffing up his cheeks, Obito crosses his arms too, mimicking her pose. A moment later he realizes what he is doing and snorts, "God, what am I even talking about?"

"The poor women whom you've dragged to their doom?"

"Oh please, love, now you're just being dramatic. I am yet to drag you to your doom, am I?" leaving a quick flick against her nose, Obito continues, "but yeah, when it became apparent that I would need to leave the country for at least a few years, I tried asking uncle and aunt to visit him from time to time, check on how he's doing... and they pretty quickly reminded me that I'm the first person in his will, while he's written them in and out quite a few times already, so I realized that it really wasn't the best idea for keeping Uchiha family together... thus I got the idea to hire someone to help grandpa with the house..." Obito unconsciously started scratching at his nape. "a-a-a-and he really disliked it. All the caretakers that I have found in particular and the entire idea in general. So in the end I just had to leave without solving anything, only calling on the holidays to remind uncle Fugaku to visit grandpa. Well, at least the caretakers ended up in a better place..."

"Wait, what?" Deidara raises her eyebrows so hard they vanish in her hair. "What the hell did that old man do to them?"

"Huh? Nothing," confused, replies Obito. "I managed to help them find places to work before I had to leave, that's all."

"Ahhh..." good thing to know that the old guy wasn't connected to yakuza or something like that. After having to grow up in Onoki's vicinity, she wouldn't disregard such a possibility easily.

"Now that we've talked about this, I think I can see the real issue..." Obito begins to absent-mindedly trace the lines of his three lowest scars, something like a habit that he did whenever he was deeply thinking about something and that Deidara's discovered pretty soon in their relationship. For quite some time he used to hide how attracted he felt to her, ashamed and afraid to openly show more... romantic side of his interest in Tsuchikage's adoptive granddaughter whom he's managed to offend by his lack of knowledge in Iwagakure's high arts during their first meeting, sometimes spending minutes in silence, carefully choosing his next words as he subconsciously scratched at his face.

It was precisely during one of those moments when Deidara, sick of waiting and beating around the bush, grabbed at the sides of his face and pushed her own towards his shocked expression, the fingers of his right hand strong and warm beneath her own. Chocolate. Whenever she thinks about their first kiss, a bit awkward, but nonetheless desirable enough for both of them to melt into it, she remembers chocolate. Obito's eyes and hair had such a wonderful glow to them at the time, while his moist lips still tasted like the velvety chocolate cake he was eating in the buffet of Iwagakure's Central Museum after she dragged him over the sculptures exhibits for the third time since they met (as both of them later admitted to each other, Deidara always picked this because it was by far the biggest exhibit in the Museum, meaning the two of them would be chatting and strolling for a very long time, while Obito couldn't care less about the avant garde movements in Iwagakure's art circles, yet the sight of Deidara animatedly explaining him the difference between mass art and flat art always made something in his heart to pleasantly tug).

"...grandpa must have been really lonely these years..." wait, why is Obito sighing with such heavy resolution in his hoarse voice? What were they talking about? Deidara tries to force a thoughtful expression on her face and hide the fact that the only thing on her mind for a few seconds happened to be the shape of Obito's lips as he continued to murmur something under his nose.

bam!

Something loudly smashes into pieces in the other room. It's followed by a round of very intricate and old-fashioned swearing. Right, Obito's grandfather. Has he started throwing pots and cups around in his temper tantrum? Probably not, judging from how nauseatingly clean the rest of the place was, Madara didn't seem like the type to make a mess while trying to force someone to follow his whims.

Both of them fully turn towards the door, they send each other a quick look. Obito releases another heavy sigh, rubbing for a few seconds at his face, before putting his arm against her shoulders, pushing her into a soft hug against which Deidara didn't protest, happy to be able to feel his lips against her forehead.

"I think I should stay here for a while," Obito whispers to her, making goosebumps run across Deidara's skin from the deeper notes in his quiet voice. "Until like the end of the day, maybe. Help him around, chat for a bit, explain to him properly that we're getting married," seeing her raised eyebrows, Obito hastily adds. "I promise, it won't take long. Grandpa must be starved for attention right now, so he's gonna be much less cranky come evening, and he'll be a lot supportive of, well, us. Uncle did mention that he's gotten a lot worse in the last few years… I'll sort it all out, you don't need to worry about anything. In fact, how about this..." he pulls out his phone from the back pocket of his pants, "I'll call a taxi for you right now, while I'll stay here and return home by the evening. Sounds good?"

"That doesn't really seem like "two lovebirds get the blessings for their upcoming wedding from an old and supposedly wise man" thing that you wanted, hm," Deidara points out in a similarly low voice, licking at her lips as she stares at her fiance's dark beautiful eyes.

Obito sniggers at that, twinkles in his eyes dancing as his shoulders shake, "Well, I can't be getting everything that I dream of," his fingers lovingly brush against Deidara's cheekbone. "Besides, I meant every single word that I said to him just now. I don't particularly care if he is being nasty to me, in fact, it probably means he is absolutely well and sound of mind, but I don't want to force you to stand here and take his insults. You deserve much better than that."

"You'll have the rest of our lives to tell me all the things that you think I deserve to hear," Deidara rolls her eyes, feeling a sense of satisfaction expanding in her chest, making her feel all bubbly. He thinks that I deserve much better than that. He believes that I am so much more than that. "And please, don't try to treat me like a poor little damsel who hasn't had an argument with anyone in her entire life. I can put up my own against your grandfather."

"Oh, trust me, I know that... It's just that I'd rather prefer for the evening to end peacefully," scowling, she hits Obito in the shoulder. "Ouch!.. Love, it's not about you, I just know how grandpa is, he's built an entire career off of arguing with the same people over and over. No one is going to have a good time if it comes to that."

"So what? I'm here to show everyone, including the old man, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't care if it gets on my nerves, I'll fight for us until everyone accepts that you're mine and I'm yours, hm!" Deidara heatedly replies, her fingers digging into the fabric of Obito's suit.

"Love..." good, now he's actually blushing, smirks Deidara as she gazes at her mildly flustered Obito. She knew how much he loved when the two of them... staked their claim on each other. She fucking loved it too, of course. Everything, from simple quiet declarations like this all the way to dark hickeys left in some very private parts of their bodies.

"Your grandfather may talk shit as much as he wants, it won't change anything about how much I love you ," pushing her finger against his chest, Deidara continued passionately. "I don't want to leave right now, in the middle of the way, it's either both of us leaving or none of us, hm. So let's go piss off the pillowthrower some more," Deidara gives Obito a wide shit-eating grin. "Besides, I saw the way you get all soft around him, hm. Don't you know better than to let someone like him to step over you? Who'll be there for you when the evil senior citizen will inevitably try to persuade you that living alone as a bachelor for all eternity is, in fact, your dream come true, hm?"

"Ah, please, love, I would never fall for something like that!.. probably..." Obito starts to giggle like someone way younger than he was, but even if he is putting up relaxed and happy upfront, Deidara can see how less tense his shoulders seem right now. He is really glad that she wants to stay with him now. Bending a little bit, Obito leaves a very quick kiss against her lips, immediately making her wish that it lasted a few seconds more. "Okay, so, first attempt rushing the final boss - fail. Onto attempt number two!"

Deidara grabs him by his waist and pushes him forward, both of their strides certain and strong as they come closer and closer to the kitchen where some brushing noises and (very ominous, in Deidara's opinion) mumbling was coming from. Thinking of Madara's hateful glares directed at her when he still believed her to be someone who would be spoon feeding him something that wouldn't hurt his old gums, she realized something.

"Hey, Obito?"

"Yeah, is something wrong?" they slow down a bit, now barely two meters away from the door.

Deidara quietly asks, rising to her tiptoes while Obito bends to let her whisper straight into his ear, "You've said that your uncle's family wasn't on good terms with the old man, and when you had to leave you've decided to hire someone, hm. But why didn't you ask some of the neighbors to come around?"

"Ah, that..." Obito's voice trails off as he scratches at his neck. "Yeah, that was actually my idea before I started looking for a caretaker. Unfortunately, there were no neighbors to ask to help him."

"What do you mean? Like, nobody wanted to spend time in his vicinity? He sucks that much in an average Konoha's citizen's mind, hm?"

"No-no, that wasn't about the impression that his career left on the general population," turning head left and right, Obito quietly answers. "There were literally no neighbors. He's decided that the elevator made his apartment too accessible to his enemies ," Obito raises his eyebrows while making quotation marks with his fingers, "so he's somehow pulled the strings and the elevator stopped rising past the tenth floor of the building. People started moving pretty soon, because, as you can imagine, nobody likes having to climb a dozen stairs every time you want to buy cigarettes. My uncle and I tried fixing it, but even the city council couldn't figure out how he did it," sighing, eyes filled with something like a mix of nostalgia and mild irritation, Obito finishes the story.

"Wow. Can't believe I'm saying this, but Sasuke was right: old Madara is the biggest prick in this country," Deidara turns towards the unassuming door, crossing her arms over her chest, unamused. Well, at least that explains that sudden hike they had to take on their way up the tower of evil. It does leave the question as to why Obito didn't warn her against picking the high heels for the meeting, but knowing her softie of a fiance, he probably hoped that the issue resolved itself while he was away. Probably like a lot of the issues concerning his grandfather.

"He has his bad days, he has his good days..." making another deep sigh, Obito forces a cheerful expression on his face and slides the door open. It still sometimes surprised Deidara how he could quickly change into the role that the situation required of him to be in. Surprised in a good way - she could never hope not to glare at someone who she was busy swearing at in her mind.

The moment the room is revealed before them, Deidara instantly sees the culprit behind the loud crashing noise from earlier. On the otherwise clean dark wooden floor a broken clay pot was lying, obviously tragically slain by a certain someone's carelessness. That terribly cruel individual was currently trying to simultaneously balance his walking cane slash scythe in one hand, a bright red sweep broom in another and ensure that a similarly red dust pan doesn't get pushed away whenever he tried to push the mess of broken brown clay chunks and dark earth into it. But then Deidara takes in the rest of the decor, and her jaw kind of drops.

Cacti. There were cacti everywhere.

On all horizontal surfaces imaginable. A few of them were even hanging in some chained smaller pots from the ceiling and on the highest shelves. If Deidara strained her neck at just the right angle, she could make out a few of them on the floor, right behind the table and the kitchen island. The view of the setting sun out of the large window was barely visible behind a straight row of cacti sitting menacingly on the windowsill. At least a few pots sneaked their way onto the dark chairs around the table. Judging from the greenish shade that she could make out from behind the colored glass of the cupboards, cacti have infiltrated them too.

What the actual fuck...

If at first she thought that Madara might have been the same as everyone in the Uchiha family who did not happen to be Obito - arrogant, self-centered and generally an asshole - now she's changed her mind. That guy is straight up insane. What is this asylum level bullshit? Deidara remembers her family trip to Sunagakure a few years ago, before she and Kurotsuchi had to go uni, and a visit to the Land of Wind's main botanical garden - even that place didn't have as much cacti as this godforsaken room did! And it was in the middle of a fucking desert!

"Come on, grandpa, I'll give you a hand," while she continued to stand, unmoving, at the doorstep, Obito proceeded onwards, completely unperturbed by the view in front of them. Seems like Madara started hoarding countless pots with cacti way before Obito had to leave for Land of Earth.

"Do your ears fail you, boy?" hissing, Madara clutches at both the cane and the broom, almost making himself fall over as he hastily shoves it behind his back, away from Obito's reaching hands. "I believe that I have made myself clear: you are no grandson of mine. Get out. And take..." he sends a dark glare at Deidara, but she's too stunned by the sight a black-pitch cactus sitting on the windowsill, seemingly dead. "your girl with you."

"Grandpa," Obito's tone was heavy and pretty much indicated that he was not going to accept any objections. The two of them glare at each other for a few seconds, completely silent, before the old man's eyes twitched, turning away from Obito, he huffs in indignation, mumbles something closer to "thankless brat" and throws the broom into Obito's direction, who easily catches it, before scurrying away towards one of the few free chairs in the kitchen. Deidara takes it as her que to reach for the nearest low stool and take a seat, while waiting for the situation to play out some more. Her desire to throw metaphorical hands with Madara has dimmed down significantly after entering this... place of worship dedicated to the desert flora. Maybe she was too hard on the old man before that - whatever the hell this is, it clearly means that he's got some serious issues.

So here they are: she, sitting almost by the door, legs crossed, fingers playing with the hem of her dress, unable to put her hands on the table as she usually would due to the presence of Madara's numerous prickly "pets", kind of afraid to try and move anything lest she disturbs the frail balance of the table ecosystem; Madara, dark as the night, on a chair near the kitchen island, overseeing Obito cleaning up the mess he's made; and finally, her fiance, looking quite strange in his full official suit with a bright red broom in tow, seemingly seconds away from starting to hum those pop songs he liked to turn on on the radio whenever they would be cooking breakfast at their place. Deidara can admit that... Obito does look pretty homely in here, taking care of the weird old man continuing to glare at him for helping him out. This does paint a clearer picture of their relationship before Obito's move.

"I can see the army is still thriving," with a short laugh, Obito breaks the tense silence that's settled in the room, picking up the shards and dropping off the mess into the trash can in one of the lower cabinets.

The army? Deidara quickly looks over the entire space, facing the cacti infestation which, as she guessed, was supposed to be that army. Now that she thinks of that, all of the pots do have stickers with what she thinks were supposed to be the names of the plants. Unfortunately, all of the stickers had "Zetsu" scribbled over it.

Madara bristles and replies in a low scratchy voice, "Are you trying to inform me that you've still got two eyes after you stunt in Iwagakure? Color me surprised."

"There's no need to be rude, grandpa."

"..." Madara silently fumes for several seconds, seemingly trying to make Obito burst into black flames of evil with his reddish eyes. Unfortunately, it looked like Obito couldn't be affected by something like that. Finally, Madara relents, "Yes, yes, they are. I have even got a few more off that -zon thing you have shown me."

"That's great! I told you it's pretty easy to figure out," Obito pulls up his sleeves and turns on the facet, washing off any traces of earth. "Guruguru isn't being mean to any of the others?"

"No, I cut your gift's leaves every now and then, just so it doesn't try to get into the others' pots. Still does attempt it sometimes, but I shall not lose to it" looking significantly less evil, Madara answers with more enthusiasm.

Leaves? Cacti have leaves? Deidara turns her head around before finally realizing that the two men were probably talking about the only not spiky floral element in the room - a pretty big corkscrew plant, hiding its elongated lines of "arms" behind its less water-needy siblings, hugging the black dead one. 

"Still don't want to throw out Black?" Obito nods at the dead thing at the same time as Deidara stares at it, stoically suffering through the... what did they call it?.. Guruguru's?.. attention.

"I will throw you out if you dare to lay your hands on Black again," grumbles Madara, hands crossed on his chest. "How many times do I have to repeat it to you, boy, do not even think about harming the progenitor of my army."

"Just saying, it doesn't look any better than the last time I saw it," shrugging his shoulders, Obito fills up the kettle with water and turns it on with a small beep. "By the way, what's with all of these portraits of Senju-san? You didn't have them the last time I was here."

It's in this moment when Deidara realizes that Obito is right, and, in fact, the walls of the kitchen were decorated with the portraits of that same guy she noticed on the photos in the corridor before. Frankly, her mind didn't even pick up on this thing, she was way too preoccupied with trying to fit the fact that so many cacti can be in such little space into her worldview. But it was pretty surprising. No photos of his family, yet so much for this one guy? Deidara's pretty sure that it must be someone Madara's age, judging by the fact that the man looked a lot older on certain photos than the others, so there must be quite the story between these two. Especially if Obito seems to know about him. Come to think of it, didn't that pillow have?..

"None of your business," Madara's temper flares up again, he is furiously looking at his grandson, tightly shut lips shaking. "And why do you care all of the sudden? Moreover, I do not remember allowing you to touch my things without permission. Begone, boy."

"I'm just preparing the tea for us, grandpa," clacking with the mugs in the cupboard, Obito sighs. "And I was just asking, why are you getting so riled up over it?" Obito turns in her direction. "Love, do you want anything in your tea? Grandpa only drinks green, I know you don't really like the taste of it, maybe some milk?"

"Nah, I'll drink as it is, hm" Deidara answers in a calm tone, making sure that on the outside she looks composed and fully in her element. Madara still sends an angry glare at her.

"Oh, so you ask the little witch about what she wants, but your only grandfather does not matter, I see, I see..." Madara pushes himself higher into the chair, his wild mane of hair falling over his thin face, creating dark shadows.

"Three quarters of the cup tea, one quarter of the cup milk, half a teaspoon of sugar," without missing a beat, pipes up Obito. "Did I get it right?"

"...you did," unable to make up a retort, Madara concedes.

"See, I still remember it! I remember where you like to put stuff, what tea you prefer to drink, and so much more. Grandpa, now how about we talk things through again, but more serious this time? I can see that something's on your mind," Obito, finished up with preparing the cups, turns around and looks over at the old man with his serious dark eyes.

"Bah, do not act like you care, boy," giving Obito a very similar dissatisfied look, Madara grumbles. "Take the girl wherever you want and be on your way, wasting your life away as you wish."

"First of all, I do care. Second of all..." sensing that Obito has found a good moment, Deidara looks up at him. "Love, can you help me clear away the table? Then we can sit all together and chat."

"Yeah, sure," rising off her pretty uncomfortable stool, Deidara straightens out her dress and gracefully makes her way over to the kitchen island, rearranging the pots in such a way that there is at least enough space for three people to sit. She'd really hoped that her "cool" act would piss off Madara, but she's pretty satisfied with him furiously sputtering at her and Obito's impunity, trying to hide her small smile behind her hair.

"What in the hells do you think you are doing?!"

Obito makes his best puppy eyes, "You told me to take my fiance wherever I want, so I did. Right now I want the two of us to sit here and enjoy a cup of tea."

"You know that's not what I– and you, you keep your hands off them!" Deidara has to quickly move away her fingers to avoid getting hit with the edge of the cane. "My army is worth more than your entire miserable existence. You have no idea of its value! They are the key to the true world of meaning and happiness, they are!.."

"Try hitting me with that again, old man, and I'll hit you with it," grinning as a psychopath, Deidara cheerfully informs the old bitch.

"Have you been watching too much of those shinobi shows again, grandpa?" tiredly sighs Obito, without turning his face away from the beeping kettle. "I told you, they aren't good for you."

"My life is being sapped away in my own home!" dramatically exclaims Madara, yet still less aggressive than before. Judging by how pale the old man's face went after Obito's phrase, his grandson was right.

The following few minutes are spent in complete silence that is sometimes interrupted by Obito pouring hot water into the cups or Deidara carrying and putting the heavy pots away from the kitchen island, huffing as she wordlessly thanks every deity in the world for choosing to not stop working out after moving to Konoha with Obito. Madara is still silently fuming even when the mugs land on the counter with a soft clinking noise, Deidara takes a seat next to Obito who chooses a chair closest to the corner of the table across which Madara was already awaiting them. If it wasn't for the old man in front of them or the "Zetsu army" surrounding them, Deidara would have thought this to be pretty nice, sitting by Obito's side, feeling his warmth as her hands are warmed by the tea in the cup. Maybe they should get some for their place when they return, do a movie night on the weekend or something.

Oblivious to Deidara's ideas about the two of them cuddling under a blanket on the couch in nothing but a weird mix of pajamas and underwear, Obito properly starts the second phase of their boss battle, "So, how does it taste, grandpa?"

"Acceptable," after a long pause, announces Madara. Judging from his scrunched up expression, he actually liked the tea, but that would mean a small win for his grandson and his fiance, which he could never admit under the current circumstances.

"That's wonderful to hear. Now, do you wish to speak about what is on your mind and why are you so against me marrying someone?"

Madara bristles, gulping the tea with a soft hiss, "This is still none of your business, boy. Why are you acting as if you care for my opinion? You certainly did not when you decided to run away to Iwagakure years ago. What, was the place that was unbearable that you chose to run away back to family's comfort? Was bringing a..." Deidara already wants to poke her tongue out at him for every new glare he gives her, "souvenir necessary?"

"Is being rude necessary?" retorts in a similar manner Obito, imitating Madara's deep croaky tone surprisingly well. "And you speak like I have been gone for several decades, not four years. Should I repeat my explanation that I gave to you before? Serving as Konoha's high commissioner opened up a lot of prospects for my career, and I have once again learned that I am doing something right in my life, I help both people of Land of Fire and I ensure that the relationship between Konoha and Iwa remains stable and positive. I work my dream job and I have enough money to afford anything I wish. Finding my love was just... an unexpected twist during my time there. But a very pleasant one nonetheless," Obito, barely able to hold himself back from smiling as wide as he can, intervenes his fingers with hers beneath the table. Turning her eyes and coming across his, dark and warm, full of gravity which made her practically dream of falling into him and never finding a way out, Deidara gives him a grin of her own, desperate to have a chance to grab him by his cheeks and just smother him with kisses until he is gasping for air. Unfortunately, luck was not on her side, as the old man across the table was still giving them a look of utter disappointment mixed with disgust.

"Amazing. You even sound exactly like him," the old man rolls his eyes, scrunching nose as if something vile was sitting right beneath it. Deidara forces on the memories of how she used to break the annoying boys' noses back in middle school and simply grips the cup tighter. Breathe in, breathe out. 

Come to think of it, who is supposed to be that him ? Was he talking about his eldest son? But she doesn't remember hearing any stories of Madara protesting against his marriage, in fact, he could probably bond very well with Mikoto over how disgustingly nosy the two of them were (Deidara is still ready to growl any time she remembers the pitiful look she got from the woman when asked what wedding dress she is thinking of getting and replying that she was going to sew two kimonos for herself and Obito, as if that bitch thought her fiance was too cheap to get her a gaudy dress). Maybe Madara's youngest, Obito's father? She doesn't know, neither Obito nor his relatives discuss his father, or his mother for that matter, too often, probably not to stir up memories of their passing. Though some part of her suspects that Obito doesn't think about them most of the time, just like she doesn't about her biological parents. In any case, Obito doesn't seem too upset about that, in fact... are his ears red? Is he getting embarrassed?

"Grandpa, please..." before Deidara's surprised eyes, Obito, discomforted, begins fidgeting on the chair. "We've talked about this... Don't just bring up your... love life in a conversation."

Love life?! What the fuck? Is she missing some vital family lore? Why the fuck did nobody bring it up during the earlier family meeting? Who the hell is that he ?!

"Ha!" a bony finger is thrust right into Obito's face, Deidara almost jumps to try and protect him from losing his left eye, but Obito seems to be used to that and falls back a second earlier. "I knew it! You care nothing for me! You are just like those parasites that mistakenly call themselves my eldest son and his grandchildren! The only thing on your mind is my damn money and driving me into an early grave, right?!"

It's too late for an early grave, old psycho.

"Grandpa, what money? What early grave? I've just explained to you, my job is enough to cover any expenses that I have!" losing his cool, Obito also joins "Uchiha's extremely distressed argument", quickly gesturing with his hands thrown into the air, so much so Deidara has to duck one time, her disgruntled glare met with Obito's quick apologetic. "And if I didn't care for your opinion, why would I ever come here with my fiance in the first place? I want you to know her, I want her to know you, because both of you are really important to me!"

Something gurgles in the old man's throat and Deidara isn't sure if it sounds angry or distraught. Judging by his reddish eyes and thin pale lips, probably former. Still, his hand's movements grow more chaotic, he jerks at Obito, sucking air through his flaring nostrils, probably trying to start a shouting match with him, but unable to find a weak spot in his argument.

"How dare you claim that I am important to you when you abandoned me when I was at my lowest..." now Madara sounded actually hurt, with his voice growing quieter and hair falling over his eyes. In Deidara's opinion, the man still reeked of emotional manipulation. Feeling irritation grow inside, clawing at her chest like a beast, and growing tired from playing the nice girl act, Deidara starts speaking at the same time as Obito.

"Listen here, if it’s again about the time when he was in Iwa, he's already told you two times that he had wor–"

"What do you mea–"

"Silence!" Madara instantly loses any shadow of weakness from before, looking over the two of them in irritation. Eyebrows drawn close, he continues, "Your cacophony will make poor Zetsus wilt, not to mention my ears."

A beat of silence settles over the two cacti-killers-to-be and the cacti grower. It seemed like even the cacti themselves started to listen in more intensely as it looked like some revelation was about to occur. And Obito did not make anyone wait much longer.

"Wait, are you still sad over Senju-san passing away?" Obito asks in the most incredulous tone, gaping at his grandfather.

Madara's sudden full-body jerk was enough of a confirmation that Obito hit a bullseye. Senju-san... Isn't that the guy in the pictures and the portraits? Deidara, not bothering to be sneaky, starts twisting on her chair, looking over the kitchen. So that's the mysterious him that was involved in Madara's... eugh... love life?

"Well, it looks like that accident did leave some brains for you, Obito," Madara hisses, raising from his chair while reaching for the cup. "I shall enjoy my tea alone, just as I prefer it. Do not bother yourself with my issues, I am sure they are quite minor compared to yours. Enjoy whispering behind my back like a pair of snakes that you are."

With that, the old man dramatically throws his gray mane back and strides off behind the poor door that gets banged against its hinges. For the second time that day. Honestly, Deidara usually would have had the urge to scream some insult at Madara's back at this point, but the bubbling curiosity about Obito's grandfather's secret dead gay lover to whom the old man shamelessly dedicated all available wall space and Obito being apparently familiar with the guy in some capacity makes her feel like she is about to burst.

Proving Madara's name calling right for once, Deidara turned to face Obito, whose expression was somewhere in between worry and confusion, fully and started whispering, "Okay, what the hell was that, hm? Why didn't you tell me about this beforehand? Your old man had a goddamn lover ? And a guy at that?" honestly, she doesn't even feel any worry anymore. The entire situation is so bizarre and out of this world for her that she's barely restraining herself from giggling and grinning like crazy (granted she does it for Obito's sake, because he clearly is not happy with this particular topic being brought up). This feels like those ridiculous M rated comics Kurotsuchi loved to buy, something with the name "A Ninja Warlord Dies And Reincarnates In Our World Before Falling In Love With Another Average Guy" or something.

"Not a lover," cringing, replies Obito. He makes eye contact with one of the portraits on the wall and immediately turns away. "It's... kind of hard to explain, if I'm honest. And I don't even want to open this can of worms, frankly, for both yours and mine sake."

"Well, now you have to talk about this," Deidara continued to press on. "Clearly he's got some other issues going on, hm. Maybe if we do something about this, we can make him give his blessings to us. Come on, spill the beans, hm," she tries to make herself not to look too overeager, but probably fails.

"Manipulating grandpa into doing something he doesn't want? People more stubborn than us tried doing that, without much success," making a deep sigh, Obito begins his explanation as he rubs against the ridge of his nose. "Ah, right, you don't know much about Konoha's politics, do you, love?"

"Nope. You know Onoki single-handedly destroyed any interest I might have had in this stuff, hm."

"Yeah, right..." dropping his hand onto the table, Obito continues in a monotonous tone. "Well, grandpa used to be pretty high up back in the day. At one point he almost became Hokage..." Obito gives her a small grin when Deidara whistles. "It never happened, obviously, because his main political rival won that particular election. That rival was Senju Hashirama-san," they both look at one of the portraits after he gives a quick nod at it. "I've met him a few times back when I was in university and doing an internship at the ministry of foreign affairs, great man, absolutely, but even after both him and grandpa retired, the two of them had a very... strange relationship. Like, grandpa would spend all the time just complaining about how everything Senju-san ever did was wrong, go to a lot of his lectures, even crash Senju-san's granddaughter's wedding. Honestly, the family, including me, was kind of getting afraid that Senjus would file a restraining order on him..." Obito's voice turns duller and duller as he goes on. "You could trust him to remember the dates of all his debates with Senju-san, but his children's and grandchildren's birthdays? The day of grandma's passing? He'd scoff at you and say that he has assistants for these sorts of things."

"Ew..." okay, now she really has to apologize to Onoki, at least he wasn't this outright  gross to his family. Even as an adopted kid she never had to experience something like that .

"You can see why I don't really like bringing up this topic..." drumming his fingers against the counter, Obito continues. "Anyway, about a year before I left for Iwa Senju-san passed away. Nothing violent, just an old illness he was battling for a long time, his family was with him during his last moments. My uncle and I thought that grandpa would finally calm down somewhat with his whole... Senju thing... but it wasn't the case. In fact, things got even weirder from that point onwards. Grandpa started hoarding things associated with Senju-san: books, recordings of his speeches, even some old suits. It got to the point he ended up in a pretty big scandal when it was discovered that he paid for a smear piece against Senju-san's wife, blaming her for his death, lying about her cheating on him, and some even more really gross things," as Deidara's mouth fall lower and lower, Obito's eyes only fill up with more embarrassment. "Yeah, I think that was pretty much the breaking point for my uncle and his family. We had an absolutely catastrophic argument about this and pretty much imposed a restraining order of our own on him, forbidding him from trying to actively get anything related to Senju-san or his family, much less disturb them in any capacity. No one wanted to have a scandal like that painted next to our family name, I mean, I wasn't too worried about my job, everyone in the ministry already knew that I am nothing like my grandpa and would never support such a harassment campaign..." meaning that they knew that your old man is batshit insane and you are a big softie. "but I can understand how my uncle and aunt were worried about Sasuke and Itachi being bullied in school and university. Not that I approve of the way they treat grandpa, he isn't some beacon of darkness and evil."

Deidara just gives him a very flat look.

Clearing his throat, Obito finishes, "Well, grandpa pretty much ended up holing himself up in here, accusing all of us of being against him. Only I would be allowed to visit him for extended periods of time. And as for his... er... fascination with Senju-san, he still collected stuff about him, but, you know, in a more sensible manner, something that was officially published and sold, not borderline stolen. To be honest I... kind of forgot about this whole thing while I was away. At least I have a good excuse as to why..." he reached for Deidara's right hand with his left, grinning like an idiot as he looked at the two bands shining close to each other. Not just an idiot, but her idiot. The one with whom she immediately intertwines her fingers. "I probably hoped that grandpa would kind of get over this on his own, but clearly, I was wrong. And now I don't even know what to do..."

"So what about the body pillow, hm?"

"Body... what?" confused black eyes meet blue.

"Body pillow. You know, the one that he yeeted at us?" Deidara nods in the general direction of the corridor. "Or you have no idea what it is?"

"I'm afraid that I'm too old for that," Obito makes an awkward laugh. "Is it something that's gotten popular recently?"

"Not exactly..." Deidara's voice trails off. Should she go with a gentler explanation? Ah, fuck it, Obito already knows about his old man's weird preferences. "It's like an adult-sized plush toy, only it's a pillow and it's got an image of your favorite character on it."

"Oh..."

"In your gramp's case, that's a full-sized photo of that Senju guy, hm," innocently adds Deidara.

"Oh no..."

"Nobody outside of really hardcore fans usually buys this stuff," if Deidara was much more open with her protests against the "normality" imposed on her by the family, then her much more "mellow" sister compensated for that with her extensive collection of such stuff. Oh, Kurotsuchi will go insane when she tells her what had happened. "So when I realized that the catapult..."

"It's a trebuchet."

"...shell looked a lot like a body pillow, I simply decided that it must have been my imagination, hm. Who would have thought that your old man is single-handedly keeping Senju Hashirama stan fandom alive," she can't hold back a giggle.

"Oh no, no, no, no..."

"Hey, don't get so upset," Deidara rubs his shoulder with a smile when Obito's face turns paler. "His is pretty tame by most standards, hm. Usually people love to have a sexy character with their tits or dick out by their side."

"No, no, it's not that..." Obito's skin takes a turn for ashen. "Love, can I ask you... is there something like... god, I can't even phrase this... is there, like, a fandom for... er... men explicitly loving each other?"

Sensing that she is about to unearth something even more insane, Deidara smiles, barely restrained herself from vibrating from how absolutely hilarious everything seemed, "Yeah and no. It's actually a genre, hm. Yaoi. Pretty popular."

Obito looks like he has just witnessed his crush getting murdered by his best friend.

"Nooooooo..." he quietly wails, falling onto the table and almost knocking over the mugs and cacti still there. Cacti certainly don't appreciate their master's grandson's dramatic outburst.

"So, am I correct thinking that dear grandpa Madara doesn't simply dabble in just official photos of his old crush, hm?" Deidara snickers, covering her mouth with one hand while supportively rubbing across Obito's wide shaky shoulders with another.

Obito grabs at his hair, fingers clutching the dark strands while the palms are being pressed into his eyes, "He started buying books... a lot of books... they always arrived packaged in twenty layers of paper, so I never bothered to check... then one day... one day I... I decided to open one of them, just to check, check out what grandpa is reading, maybe we could do a book club or something after I left for Iwa... and I... I witnessed something... something out of this world..." he suddenly turns to her, eyes wide and empty, like two black holes. His voice falls even lower than a whisper, "I wished to forget something like that immediately, but... but... but how could I forget so many dicks on a single page?! I used to play baseball back in university, and even in the changing rooms I never had to witness that many!" with a loud slapping noise his palms meet his face and Obito is back to making muffled screams into his hands.

Deidara shoves her face into his shoulder, hugging him and giggling non-stop, trying to support him in these trying times, but probably making him feel even worse. Uncaring if her makeup is getting ruined, she wipes her tears away as she rubs against his shoulder. They stay like this for a while, one in anguish and another having the time of her life, pressed into each other and just living in their shared moment, with just the cacti army and numerous portraits of Senju guy as their witnesses.

All the while she is trying to think of some solution to their old and stubborn issue. Yes, the old man all of the sudden turned out to be a yaoi connoisseur, yes, the single most important person in his pathetic life turned out to be his old rival, yes, he has a collection of books about both, judging by the names on the covers that Deidara knew from her sister’s collection. This isn't something she would have ever guessed would happen, but it does open up a certain... tactic that could be utilized to butter Madara up to the idea of their marriage. Something that only she can do. 

She's already figured out that her family and Uchiha weren't that different. In order to survive both, you have to play dirty. And now she's got one very devious idea. An offer that Madara would probably never refuse.

"Obito," after taking a deep breath and wiping away her mascara with a napkin nearby, Deidara quietly pushes her distraught fiance's shoulder. "Obito, hey, listen to me."

"Huh?.." looking like he had gone through at least seventeen years of absolute misery, Obito raises his eyes to meet hers.

"I think I might have an idea on how to get your grandfather's approval for our wedding, hm."

"What?.. What are you talking about?.." frankly, at the moment Obito looks like he wouldn't be able to tell her what year or month it was right now. Poor him. Knowing his old man's tastes in... literature seems to have made him lose at least a decade of his life.

"Sorry, but it's a bit of a secret, hm," putting her index finger against her lips, Deidara later brings it to Obito's, making some color return to his face while sensing her warmth. "I'll need your help with it, though. You'll have to put him in a good mood. Can you do that, hm?"

"Er... I guess?.." Deidara's smile grows wider when Obito replies with her finger still in the way. So silly. "Grandpa certainly thinks that I've abandoned him and don't care about him at all, so I think I can reassure him that it's not the case. But everything about his interests..." after a loud swallowing noise, he continues, "I'd rather never have to talk about this again."

"Don't worry, you won't need to, hm," fixing her dress and hair, Deidara rises from the chair. Leaving a quick peck against Obito's lips, she proudly declares, "Third time's the charm. Let's finish up this boss battle, kohai."

"...so you are not going to be leaving Konoha anytime soon?" Madara asks again, voice still filled with suspicion. The three of them are seated on the couch: Madara with his long cold tea in one hand and a book on his lap; Obito, some distance away from his grandfather, back straight and shoulders wide, more reminiscent of his work persona, and Deidara, sitting by his side, quiet and waiting for the moment to strike.

"No, no, of course not, grandpa," Obito repeats for what feels like the third or fourth time. "I need to get over some details of my promotion, this is Deidara's first time in the Land of Fire, so she needs time to get used to things here, figuring out stuff at home... there's so much for us to do, it all sometimes makes my head go round."

"So your only grandfather will still be the last thing on your mind, is that correct?"

"Of course not! If you want to, we can decide on what days and time I'll come by! Do weekdays work for you? I come to the office really early and leave pretty late, so I don't think I can–"

"Enough of your chattering, boy, I've heard enough," even if Madara's words suggested irritation, the old man couldn't hide the satisfaction in his eyes. "We'll talk about this later. Now what do you want?" any traces of happiness disappear when his gaze turns towards Deidara.

She only gives him a smirk in response. If her assumptions are correct, he's being so bitchy towards her because he sees that Senju guy's wife in her. A nuisance that gets in the way. Something to get rid of. Something that takes away the attention of his grandson. Well, she'll never let anyone push her around because they think they can. Usually, people quickly come to regret messing with her. But she's going for a more subtle approach this time. Offering peace, not waging war.

"Oh, I was just looking at the book you have here," pressing the tips of her fingers against each other, Deidara pushes her chin on top of them, upping her politeness to one hundred. "Just remembered that I actually read it a while ago. "Fox and Wolf", volume four, limited edition, am I correct?"

The only thing betraying Obito's confusion are his subtly knit eyebrows, while Madara's entire body tenses like a string ready to snap.

"Obito, just what does your girl think she is reading?" Deidara can practically see an old threatened panther in front of her, ears flat against its head and fangs bared.

"Don't get Obito involved into this, he doesn't know anything about this stuff, hm," effortlessly shrugging off Madara's attempt to drag her fiance into this, Deidara continues with the same air of politeness. "I just realized something curious about this book, actually."

"And what is it?" Madara mutters with an air of caution.

"One of the main characters actually looks a lot like you," announcing like it was some sort of dramatic revelation, Deidara points her finger in Madara's direction. "Minus thirty or fourty years, sure, but the resemblance is uncanny, hm."

"Get to your point already," briskly orders the old man. She would have really loved to reply to him in a similar manner, but now is the time to play nice.

"Well, I'm not sure about the way it's done here, in Konoha, but back in the Land of Earth you're supposed to bring a gift whenever you meet someone really important," she makes a point to raise her finger and close her eyes. "And since your foolish grandson didn't even bother properly informing you of who I am before our arrival, I believe that I should do something to change your first impression of me. With something, like, for example, a gift."

Eugh, if Onoki ever gets the wind of this, I'm never living it down .

"A gift?" Madara raises an eyebrow, fingers clutching tighter against the handle of the mug. Okay, so he has bit into the bait, now to pull.

"Yes, a gift. For example..." Deidara makes a dramatic pause. Nodding at the book, she continues, "I remember there was a wonderful two-page spread of the main characters in chapter four?.. Or was it five?.."

"It was four," immediately interrupts Madara, surprising both Obito and Deidara.

"Yes, thank you, four," Deidara eagerly nods along. "So I was actually thinking, maybe I could redraw it with you instead of that character. Of course, if you would be interested in something like that," Deidara shrugs her shoulders, as if her insides weren't seizing up as she waited for Madara to reply.

"You can draw?" after a beat of silence, Madara inquires in a quiet tone.

Bingo.

"Of course I can, I'm an artist, after all!" Deidara subtly pushes Obito with her shoulder for him to confirm, because goddamn it the old man wouldn't simply believe her words.

"Ah, yes, she is," surprised from having to join the conversation after Deidara overtook it from him, Obito eagerly nods. "She's an art major, so she knows a lot of things about styles and techniques and all of that. Even after being together for quite a few years, I can't wrap my head around how she manages to keep it all in her memory, hehe," he scratches at the back of his head. "Oh, she's also an absolutely amazing sculptor. And even her artworks are absolutely amazing. Just this year she gifted me an album with all of my different expressions, and somehow on every single one of them she's made me look five times as handsome as I am in real life!"

Good going, Obito.

There are still some traces of doubt in Madara's sharp wrinkles, but now he is clearly interested. After another beat of silence, interrupted only by the soft clinking of his long nails against the rim of the mug, he finally asks, "The spread in chapter five has two characters, not one. Has it escaped you, girl? Your rendition of it would look idiotic if it's just my image."

Deidara holds herself back from grinning as wide as she can. Now she's got him.

"Oh, that won't be a problem!" sweetly answers Deidara. "You see, I was actually hoping that you would help me with describing someone who should be there along with your image. It would be disgraceful of me as an artist and guest to not discuss something like that with you, after all."

Madara's eyes are trained on her like hawk's, "Can it be anyone?"

"Yes, whoever you wish to," Deidara nods enthusiastically, her fingers beginning to nervously twist in her dress.

Come on. Come on. Why are you sitting all quiet. Just agree already. What's taking you so long. I swear to god if you refuse right now, I'll straight u–

"Chapter eight," Madara suddenly announces. Upon meeting her surprised eyes, Madara irritatedly adds, "chapter eight also has a spread. Can you do that as well?"

Oh. Oh, what a nasty freak. Holy shit. Her plan worked even better than she could have imagined. Bless Obito for having no idea what they are talking about, or he would have had an even bigger breakdown than in the kitchen. Probably would do the smart thing that his uncle did and minimize his interactions with the old pervert. In any case, Obito just sits there, looking really handsome, cute and confused by everything going on around him. Good for him for not trying to understand the situation.

Right, what should she reply with? She didn't expect to get hit with an offer to draw glorified porn today, but if she manages to... "Hmm... In theory, yes, but it would take a lot of time, I'm not sure that I can afford to do something with anatomy as complicated as there, with wedding planning and all..."

"I will pay for your wedding," immediately declares Madara, eyes hard with resolution.

Wait, what?

Now Obito can't hold back his shock, starting to splutter, "G-g-grandpa?! What do you mean "pay"?! How– why– what are you two–"

"Silence, boy, can't you see I am talking business with your fiance?" Madara instantly shuts Obito up with a single cold glare. Turning away from his flabbergasted grandson, Madara proceeds as if nothing had happened, "Now, Deidara, are these terms agreeable to you?"

Deidara can not contain her grin anymore. Oh, this went even better than she could have imagined. When they get home, she's getting her favorite takeout and the best bottle of wine. She deserves this. Honestly, Onoki during negotiations probably dreams of getting a deal as good as she did just now.

Raising from her spot by Obito's side and partially bending over him, Deidara raises her hand and offers it to Madara, "Yes, they are. Here's to our good and long friendship, hm."

As Madara's thin bony fingers dig into her own small manicured, Deidara feels Obito's shocked eyes following her figure while she shakes the old man's hand. She sends him a quick satisfied look, her grin grows wider on the side that faces her beloved fiance who should know by now to never underestimate her. After all, he isn't the only one who mastered utilizing his skills to gain advantage over his opponents.

Surprisingly, a deal with the devil can have no drawbacks. Well, except for her hands hurting from drawing for hours, Kurotsuchi dying of laughter and Obito dying of embarrassment.