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This night didn’t start very well, if Lenore was completely honest with herself.
She rarely allowed herself to dwell on the sadder parts of days, but here, with only the smoke of her cigarette and a shadow of the streetlight betraying her desperate solitude and hunched silhouette, she figured she could spare herself some grace.
The wooden windowsill wasn’t exactly the most comfortable lying spot for her leg, which was now slowly starting to get stiff with numbness, but the cold always helped her with the pain.
Her other leg was dangling above the surface of the white bathroom floor of Ada’s family house. Everything in this suburbian building was of a slightly different shade of that depressing color, actually. Her parents were really into that clean, minimalistic psychiatric hospital vibe, Lenore figured. Well, she was hardly a person that could describe her own estate as “cozy” so maybe she didn’t have any right to be judgmental here.
Even then, she couldn’t shake the feeling that it all made her a bit too visible, in her dark jacket, dark shirt, dark trousers and dark combat boots. Like the contrast was almost too much, like the walls of the rooms actively resented her. Like they wanted everyone to know that she did not belong here.
In some way, she was sure she didn’t.
The droplets of rain spluttered on the asphalt down below and Lenore imagined what it would feel like to sit there for absolute eternity. With no responsibilities, no people counting on her to do the “right thing”, no chance of disappointing anyone ever.
The fresh chatter and bright laughs muffled by the distance reached her finally, as if all of her friends had just appeared downstairs to make a point of showing how irrational she was in her worries.
She let out a slow lungful of fog darker and more bitter than the one surrounding all rooftops and trees outside the window.
Lenore was being unfair, of course she was.
Even when the world was ending, there were good friends. There were always good friends.
She wanted to be truly lionhearted, but it didn’t matter how desperately she was wishing for it. She could pretend all right, though. She became dangerously good at it after a while. So good that sometimes the lines blurred just a tad, just here and there and for a second, she was even fooling herself. But her hands still shook and her voice still wasn’t quite loud enough.
Five more minutes. She gave herself five more minutes. Time would catch up with her, it always did, no matter what she did to run ahead of it, but for now she felt spent and would rather explain her absence later than give up that moment of nothingness.
She was on her third cigarette, when the door gently opened.
“Lenore?”
The gentlest of sounds filled the autumn air and Lenore couldn't help but feel butterflies in her stomach.
“I’m here, I’m here.”
She smelled Annabel Lee’s perfume before she saw her. It was floral and spicy and made Lenore’s head spin in a second.
“How long have you been hiding in here? It’s freezing.” Annabel Lee said cautiously while looking around.
“Not long. I’m just-” Lenore didn’t really know how to finish that sentence without making the other girl worry.
“Smoking.” Annabel Lee continued blasely. Her arms were crossed now and she gave Lenore an unimpressed look with a raised eyebrow. One that maybe would look sincere and would have a quite bushful effect on Lenore, if it wasn’t in the company of the softest smile in the world.
“You don’t look that mad about it.” Lenore couldn’t help but smirk, yet she obediently extinguished the leftover cigarette. Annabel Lee blushed at that and made no effort to hide it from the other girl.
Lenore stared at the disarming glow of her.
Left absolutely speechless.
“I missed you.”
It was such a simple sentiment but in the same second it filled Lenore with overwhelming burning warmth. It signaled that Annabel Lee was thinking of her. Was remembering, considering, lacking and waiting for her. Was missing her.
Lenore felt the air near her rise in temperature in no time. She wanted to close the distance between them and already tugged at her leg to gently let it down from the windowsill.
“That’s not necessary, dear, I’ll just-”
She rushed to Lenore’s side and took her hands into her own, gently, as if not to scare her.
Lenore nearly laughed at that. As if Annabel Lee could ever be scary.
Intimidating, though. When she wanted to be. When she wanted to leave Lenore a flustered nonsense, uncontrollably splattering any old thought that came to her good-for-nothing mind.
But she could also be so divinely delicate.
Annabel Lee played with both of their promise rings anxiously as if trying to extract some answers from them. Apparently it proved to be futile, judging by the way her gaze landed absentmindedly on something in the corner of the room and the way her eyebrows furrowed.
“I know we’ve only… um… We’ve only started dating last week and so I’m not quite positive you-”
One of Lenore’s hands untangled and found its way to Annabel’s jawline. Steadily and with only the pressure of the fingertips, she turned the girl’s face towards her own, a bit to the left and a bit downwards.
Some of her blond curls escaped from the headband and sat at the temples reflecting the light from outside, her cheekbones and the bridge of her nose were celebrated with a tad of blush that subtly crept down to Annabel’s neck as well, and her honey eyes flickered with both surprise and anticipation.
“If you’re not sure about something, you should certainly ask first.” Lenore whispered almost mockingly but still presenting herself as the most innocent creature on earth with her awaiting doe eyes and open expression.
Annabel pursed her lips, the undying habit that showed itself whenever something didn’t go her way. And there were very few things that didn’t go her way, so Lenore couldn’t help but stare and stare and finally smile apologetically. She pulled the girl closer and said without faltering:
“Of course you can kiss me, Annabel Lee. Anytime, anywhere, anyhow.”
“Can I really?”
Lenore sent her a warm look.
“Of course.”
Annabel Lee didn’t waste a second. It turned out she could be quite decisive, actually. To Lenore’s definite and utter demise, of course.
Annabel Lee was an explosion of experiences: the immediate press of her body to Lenore’s, the softness of her glossed lips and powdered nose, the smell of her shampoo and laundry detergent, the subtle taste of freshness and something sweet, the aftertaste of her favorite brand of strawberry gum that she always chewed when she was nervous or going to a party, or both, the fabric of her well-fitting dress wrinkling in Lenore’s unsteady hands and the pure intention of her kiss, full of passion, attention and indulgence.
Lenore hummed mindlessly into the kiss and tangled her hands behind Annabel’s waist. As an answer Annabel pulled away slightly. Before Lenore could protest, she opened her eyes, still in some sort of trance and was met with the widest and purest grin shining from her girlfriend’s face.
“You got some of my lipgloss on you.”
Annabel Lee looked absolutely thrilled, as if leaving some sort of evidence of that kiss on Lenore was her plan all along and somehow there was a big chance she would not succeed. But she did, she did, she did. And god, she looked so happy.
“Does it look good?” Lenore raised her head so Annabel could get a better view. As an answer, the girl kissed her again, slow and savoring. Then, she cupped Lenore’s face gently in her hands, skin barely even touching. She landed one kiss on Lenore’s tip of a nose, then a few on both of her cheeks, traveling from the highest point to the jawline and once again resurfacing, it was as if she was decorating her forehead, the top of her hair and both temples, with little touches of soft lips. Here, and some there for good balance. Oh, and this spot was left unkissed.
It was like a ritual, one that Lenore didn’t want to break if her life depended on it.
“If they could cover any view of this world with your beautiful face, I would live and die a happy woman.”
Lenore was certain she was embarrassingly red. No one has ever handled her with so much devotion and well, love. She had no idea what to say, what to do, what to think. She just felt. Everything wonderful, all at once.
“Did that cheer you up a bit, darling?” Annabel Lee cooed and Lenore was yet again astonished by the limitless ways in which this girl kept leaving her more and more undone. And flustered. And utterly helpless.
“What-” Lenore said breathlessly, as if all the air between them ceased to exist.
“I notice everything, sweetheart. Absolutely every little thing.” Somehow it wasn’t hard to believe her and that made it all more terrifying. Lenore swallowed, trying and failing to seem like that information didn’t momentarily liquify her brain. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Annabel Lee was a girl who didn’t wait for any invitations, that’s for certain. But Lenore couldn’t help feeling a bit relieved by the alternative of not having to actually start that conversation. Because she didn’t want to. She didn’t feel ready. She didn’t know what would leave her mouth. She only had to say no.
“I don’t know.”
Well, that definitely wasn’t an answer she had in mind. To be fair, she still felt a bit fuzzy and hot all around and she supposed her instincts spoke for her.
Because there really wasn’t any reason to prevent Annabel Lee from knowing. I mean, she should know what is going on in her life. Even if it meant having to talk about it and sitting with a bit of vulnerability, after all, she could trust Annabel Lee. She was her girlfriend, for christ’s sake.
“It’s not-” Lenore winced, not being able to find the right word. Let’s just not overcomplicate things. She breathed in and allowed herself to reset her mind. Finally, she muttered. “Easy.”
Annabel Lee nodded, her eyes filled with fiery attention, as if Lenore was the only thing on earth, as if this conversation was the most important in her life and she couldn’t miss any of the details. God, Lenore absolutely loved this girl.
“I’m afraid you’re making me forget my sentences.” Annabel flustered abruptly and hid her face in her hands.
“Oh! I’m terribly sorry. What should I- Where should I look?” Every now and again Lenore got reminded that Annabel Lee was a queen of turning from the biggest persona at the place to a neurotic little puddle of anxiety. It was endlessly endearing.
“It’s alright.” Lenore chuckled and rested her head on a wall. “It’s just- family things. And well, health things as well.” She noticed a patch of cracks in the paint while scanning through the ceiling, trying to take it slow, to just give herself some patience but she couldn’t really, she just wanted it to be over, she just wanted Annabel to know and to do anything she wanted with that information. „Basically, my parents don’t think that my therapy works, because it doesn’t work like they want it to work. They won’t get their lovely, charismatic and happy daughter back in a sec, or ever, so what’s the point? I mean, if they can’t showcase me at one of their charity balls then what exactly is my purpose in all of this?” Lenore realized her breathing picked up so she drew in some air and counted to five. Annabel Lee, the saint of a girl she was, embraced their hands in a tight squeeze. “It’s just so fucking hard to believe that I’m not broken, when- when I’m compared to everything that was- you know, before. I- I can’t say it. Am I making any sense at all?”
“Lenore, my love, I’m so sorry.” Annabel Lee’s expression showed so much care mixed with anger, mixed with confusion, mixed with sadness and so much desperation to find the right words.
“Sometimes it just hits me. That this is my life. There’s just no escaping it. Not even when we’re here.”
“What if here is your life? What if that is who you are, and not even your parents can take that away from you? Because I see that you are whole and strong and so full of love, Lenore. ”Annabel embraced her and it was the sweetest thing. Lenore always caught herself relaxing in her arms, as if all her settings where turned off and she could just exist, next to Annabel’s heartbeat. ”I remember when I first saw you, you know. I was just so curious. I wanted to know more and learn everything. I was unable to look away from you. I am still, very much, unable to look away from you. They say attention is the beginning of devotion.” Annabel Lee brought Lenore’s chin up, examining every single centimeter of her face and very likely everything that it hid under, all the secrets and imperfections, all her fear and all her desires. She then kissed her, slowly, purposefully, saving the times their lips met and executing the pauses. When she decided to pull away, she only did that to whisper: “You’ve always had all of mine, Lenore”.
Lenore squeezed their intertwined hands once and raised them to her lips. She kissed Annabel’s knuckles, one by one in silent gratitude.
“I sometimes think that you could talk me into literally anything, Annabel Lee.” The girl sent her a charming flutter of eyelashes as an answer before wrapping Lenore in a tight, assuring embrace. Somehow, just the feeling of Annabel’s arms around her waist was enough to make Lenore forget about literally anything else.
“Promise?”
Jesus, just what did Lenore get herself into?
“You know, there’s this party that we’re actively ignoring and so maybe we should just-“
“One last kiss then.”