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There was a part of Lance that wished he’d told Keith how he felt before he left with the Blade. The ache in his chest and sag of his shoulders felt heavy with worry- with the weight of emotions he almost had no words for. If he had the chance, though, he was sure he could find them. Maybe not in English, maybe not entirely in Spanish, either. Maybe in a mess of an amalgamation of the two. Maybe pieced together from lyrics of songs that were more than decades old. Maybe stolen from whispered winds on foreign planets and loose star dust kicked from their boots.
An eternity in space, or what felt like one anyway, afforded nothing but time whenever an immediate danger wasn’t threatening their lives so Lance entertained himself by dragging his feet around the castle and staring longingly out into the vast expanse of nothingness.
Between lingering thoughts of his home and family and painful ‘what ifs’ regarding Keith, he was a breath away from being useless when he wasn’t trying to save the world with his team. He struggled to force a smile and his jokes were lackluster, the spark in his eye long gone. He knew they all noticed and it hadn’t been just one of them to ask, but all of them.
It was Allura who stuck her hand in, wrapped her fingers taught around everything he wasn’t saying, and pulled forcibly until he spilled.
“I’m in love with him.” Lance admitted for the first time out loud. He took a shaky breath and avoided the Princess’s eyes as he went on. “I’m in love with him and he's gone.”
Allura was quiet for a long moment and Lance couldn’t tell if she was surprised or not. “He’s coming back, Lance.” She said softly.
“And if he doesn’t?” Lance wrapped his arms around himself, a weak attempt to shove everything back into place inside.
“He will.”
Lance didn’t know how she was so sure. “It’s selfish. I know he has his own mission. I know he’s doing something great, but not knowing if he’s safe, or if he’s eating, or sleeping…” He shook his head as he trailed off. He knew Keith had always had trouble sleeping and he was sure it was no different now. He’d stared at his ceiling well into the night wondering if Keith was doing the exact same right then one too many times to count. “I just miss him. I’m afraid I’ll never get to tell him how important he is to me.”
Allura settled a warm hand on Lance’s shoulder and smiled, an attempt at reassurance, he was sure. “Lance, there will be opportunities to fight alongside the Blade. Keith has made his choice. It’s not one we all agree with, sure, but I trust him to take care of himself. I know you do, too.”
Lance nodded. Of course he did. It wasn’t like he thought Keith was incapable, far from it. He was just afraid of what might happen. Those constant ‘what ifs’ plagued him even in his dreams and he wanted nothing more than to be by his side. “You’re right.”
“I know that doesn’t make any of this easier. I’m sorry I forced you into admitting to something so personal. I’ve just been worried about you. We all have been.” Allura smiled apologetically and Lance returned it weakly.
“It’s alright, it was bound to come out sooner or later.”
“You will have your opportunity, Lance. He will come back to us when he’s ready.”
Lance only nodded, unwilling to argue, unwilling to ask ‘what if he was never ready?’
The time came unexpectedly. It’d been… months? Lance had lost count of the days, the weeks. They became a blur as the team made their way from planet to planet, liberating populations and facilitating alliances for their future. Their work was important. And it was a good distraction. It was something Lance could throw himself into, just like training.
The bot he had within his sights suddenly stopped and he heard the sound of a throat clearing. He dropped his rifle from his shoulder and turned, meeting Allura’s eye.
“Lance,” she said by way of greeting, “the Blade will be joining us in approximately two quintants. Keith will be among them.”
Lance felt his heart jump up into his throat.
Keith.
Keith was coming home.
Allura smiled knowingly, almost an ‘I told you so’, before she ducked back out of the training deck.
Lance felt breathless and not from his recent physical exertion.
Keith was coming home.
Lance was practically vibrating in his own skin, excitement and nervousness too much to tamp down. He drummed his fingers against his thighs, needing some sort of outlet for his jitters. He was waiting with the others as the two ships were maneuvered close enough together to allow the Blades aboard the castle.
There was too much going through his head for him to pay much attention to the conversations going on around him. He was beginning to feel a tinge of regret. Not that he didn’t want to see Keith! But now that he was going to, he realized he had no idea how he was going to admit to all the complicated feelings churning in his gut. He was torn between wanting Keith to know and his fear of rejection. How could they come back from an admission like that, after all? They’d only recently, well before Keith ditched them anyway, started really getting along. Now Lance was going to throw that away because of a crush?
Even as he thought the word, he knew it was more than that. He mentally chided himself for trying to downplay his affections. They were a suffocating thing, so much more than some school-girl crush. This was love, this was all-consuming. This kept him up at nights and invaded his dreams. This made him mentally wax poetically about bad haircuts and a scowling brow. This had his stomach in knots and his palms sweating. This had his feet moving before his brain even had time to process what he was doing.
Lance heard the rush of breath leave Keith’s lungs the moment they collided, the surprise evident on his face. If one was looking at it, anyway. Lance buried his face in the other’s neck as he squeezed him, trying his very best not to cry. He felt Keith’s arms eventually wind around his middle and he let out a shuddering breath. “I missed you.” He said softly, his voice laced with an unusual amount of affection.
Keith’s hands felt large splayed along his back where they comfortingly stroked up and down. Lance expected teasing, a snort of disbelief, to be shoved off of him even. What he didn’t expect was for Keith to lean just as heavily into him, the subtle turn of his head as he pressed his face into Lance’s hair, or his heart-breakingly sweet voice when he said, “I missed you too, Lance.”
Lance didn’t have time to pull away before the both of them were crushed into a group hug consisting of the rest of their team. He wasn’t complaining, it gave him more time to memorize Keith’s scent and the way he felt in his arms.
Eventually, though, everyone did break apart, meaning Lance also loosened his hold on Keith and stepped back, cheeks flushed. They had time. They would have plenty of time to talk after everyone got situated and discussed plans over dinner.
Despite the commotion of the new arrivals, Lance still managed to keep an eye on Keith as they all made their way further into the depths of the castle. He couldn’t tell if it was just wishful thinking or not, but Keith’s eyes found his own nearly as often as Lance’s were searching for him amongst his members. Every time their gazes locked, he felt his heart seize. Keith looked good. Somehow even better than he remembered. That damn Blade suit really did something for him. And his hair looked longer.
It felt like hours before Lance was finally freed from their meeting, having hardly paid attention to the discussion about their next plan of attack. He’d get the info some other time when it was more of a pressing matter. Right now, he had other things on his mind.
Keith seemed to be waiting for him in the hall. Lance froze when he stepped out of the meeting room and locked eyes with him. Keith’s expression was soft, curious. His usually scowl was absent and he cocked his head to the side as he asked, “Want to talk?”
Lance nodded dumbly, “Yeah.” He said, voice breathless. He cleared his throat, warmth flooding his face. “Yes.”
Keith inclined his head and Lance fell into step beside them as they walked. If they had a destination, Lance didn’t know it, but that didn’t matter. “How…” He hated how nervous he sounded, even to his own ears. This was just Keith! “How have you been?”
Keith seemed to hesitate, mulling over his answer. “Things have been… busy. We don’t have a lot of down time.”
“That makes sense.” Lance could imagine between the missions and training sessions with the other Blade members that Keith had little time for anything else. Which would explain why they hadn’t seen or heard from him since he’d been gone.
“What about you?” Keith asked, slowing his step as they approached the observation deck, “How have things been with the team?”
Lance paused and chewed on his bottom lip as he turned away. The floor to ceiling windows gave a perfect view of the vastness surrounding them. They floated within a sea of stars, foreign constellations making his heart ache. “Things have been alright.” He found himself saying. It wasn’t a lie, but it was just that. Alright. “We’ve been managing.” He couldn’t find the right words to explain to Keith that nothing had been the same without him. That while they were still a team, the gaping hole he had left stung every time he sat in Red’s pilot seat.
He knew now was the time, that he needed to get this off his chest, but he was so afraid of messing everything up. It would kill him to hold onto for much longer, though, and if he had to make their tentative friendship awkward, so be it. At least then Keith would know what he meant to him. He wouldn’t have any regrets if something happened.
“Lance-“
“There’s something-“
They both spoke at the same time and Lance snapped his mouth shut as Keith pressed his lips together, hiding a smile. “Go ahead.” Keith said, gesturing for Lance to continue.
Lance swallowed and attempted to ignore the frantic pounding of his heart. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. That I should have told you before you left.”
He couldn’t quite meet Keith’s eye as he spoke, instead choosing to fidget with the hem of his shirt, worrying it between his fingers as his gaze flickered between Keith’s hair and the way it framed his face and the inky blue-black of space just beyond the layers of glass behind him.
“Sounds ominous.” Keith said with a smirk, obviously teasing.
Lance huffed, his cheeks puffing out in annoyance. “I’m trying to be serious here.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Keith apologized, expression softening. “You just seem tense. It’s freaking me out a little.”
“Yeah, well, I’m the one freaking out here.” Lance argued. He found himself tugging on his hair, nervousness eating away at him. He couldn’t do this after all. Keith would hate him. He’d ruin everything.
Keith’s eyebrows knit together in confusion as he watched Lance’s internal meltdown. “Lance, hey, you don’t have to be so… like this about whatever you’ve got to tell me. I’m listening, okay? No more messing around.” He assured.
That wasn’t much better. Having Keith’s full attention on him just made Lance begin to sweat. There was so much he wanted to say, so many times he’d gone over it in his head when he imagined how this would go. It was so different being in the moment. His mouth felt dry and his hands were trembling.
True to his word, Keith was waiting, patiently at that. He simply watched Lance war with himself.
Lance exhaled noisily and finally told himself it was now or never. If for some reason he never got this chance again, he’d never forgive himself. Keith deserved to know what kind of impact he’d had on the lives of those around him. He deserved to know how important he was to Lance, how much he cared about him. Even if those feelings were never returned. He could live with it.
“Just…” Lance met Keith’s eye, a new flush coloring his cheeks as he did so, “don’t laugh at me, okay?”
Keith looked confused, but he nodded.
“I think I should probably start at the beginning, which is the Garrison.” Lance started, eyes darting across Keith’s face as the memory played in his mind’s eye. Seeing Keith for the first time. “I don’t think I recognized it for what it was back then, but once it all caught up with me it made more sense. I think my one-sided rivalry with you was a piss-poor attempt at deflecting my feelings, especially the ones I didn’t understand. I thought I hated how much better you were than me at everything, but it wasn’t that at all.” He smiled fondly, remembering the moment he’d realized he was attracted to Keith.
“I really admired you. Still do, of course. But when I realized how much deeper my feelings went, I sort of panicked. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know how to hide it from you or the rest of the team. I tried, though, and I was doing a pretty good job of it until you left.” Lance hesitated, licked his lips nervously as he tried to read Keith’s schooled expression. He couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“It didn’t take long of you being gone for me to realize how wrong I was. I couldn’t just will these feelings away and there was no way I was going to be able to bury them. Every day all I could think about was whether you were safe or not. At night when I couldn’t sleep, I wondered if you were awake too. I would daydream about the different ways I was going to tell you this, they were usually way more eloquent and honestly, way more romantic.” He laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I knew that I would regret not telling you more than I would ever regret telling you.”
“What are you saying, exactly, Lance?” Keith asked.
Lance felt a spark of hope as he realized Keith was blushing. “Yeah, I should get on with it huh?” He forced himself to hold Keith’s gaze as he said,
“I’m a little bit in love with you. I think I have been for a long time.”
The following silence felt deafening. Lance could hear his own heartbeat in his ears as he waited on bated breath. ‘Please say something, anything.’
Keith blinked, “You’re in love with me?”
“Please don’t make me repeat myself, Keith.” Lance groaned, hands slapping over his face to hide his burning embarrassment. He startled when he felt Keith tugging at his wrists, pulling his hands away from his face.
“You’re in love with me?” Keith repeated his question, apparently incredulous.
Lance grimaced, “Yeah. Very much so.”
“I’m not teasing you, I swear Lance, but please say it again.” Keith’s eyes were wide, his cheeks pink as he pleaded with Lance.
“I-I…” Lance swallowed. “I love you, Keith.” He felt Keith’s fingers tighten around his wrists and then he stumbled back when Keith surged forward, their mouths colliding harder than Lance would have really liked. It took him an embarrassingly long moment to realize Keith was kissing him and he was just… standing there! When his mind finally caught up, he wrapped his arms around Keith’s waist and pulled him close, returning the kiss and easing the aggression Keith was pouring into it. Or maybe it was desperation. It was hard to tell. His mind was reeling as he relished the weight of his body pressed so tightly against his own, reminiscent of their hug this morning, but so much more. The kiss itself was intense. He could feel Keith’s desire that matched his own. Somehow. He pulled the air straight from his lungs and left his head dizzy when they finally parted. He unconsciously licked his lips and took a shaky breath.
“I’m going to just assume this is a good reaction.”
“You idiot.” Keith huffed, words lacking bite and expression softer than any Lance had ever seen on his face. Keith didn’t give him time to retort before he was kissing him again, hand fisting in the front of his shirt as he yanked Lance closer.
Lance smiled into the kiss, his soft laughter rumbling in his chest and the back of his throat. This one was better, smoother, wetter. He tangled a hand in the hair at Keith’s nape as their lips moved together, tongues tentatively exploring each other’s mouths. Lance took what he could get and committed it all to memory.
When they separated again, Lance rested his forehead against Keith’s while they both caught their breath.
“I love you too.” Keith breathed, his voice low and his expression shy. “I never…” His eyes darted away, “I never thought you’d feel the same. I just couldn’t believe what I heard you say.”
“Here I thought you were about to punch me.” Lance teased, unable to wipe the stupid, giddy smile off his face.
Keith rolled his eyes. “No. Of course not.”
Lance hummed, the sound content as he pulled Keith into another crushing hug and buried his face in the crook of his neck. “Come back to the team, Keith. We need you. I need you. I can’t watch you leave again now.” He murmured.
He heard Keith’s breath hitch and felt his arms tighten around his middle. “Lance…” He sighed, “There are things I need to do.” He said softly. Lance felt his heart break. He pulled back to look at Keith, who was wearing an equally dismayed expression.
It was selfish of Lance to beg him to stay, especially when he knew where Keith’s mind was with it all. Still, he ached. “Then can you promise me you’ll stay in touch…?” He asked, knowing full well that he couldn’t live with the lack of communication. Not after this.
Keith nodded, “I can’t promise it’ll be every day. But I’ll do better about getting ahold of you. And Lance,” Keith carded a hand through Lance’s hair, the gesture sweet and intimate, “I’ll come back.” Lance’s eyes widened in surprise. “Just not yet. Just… wait for me, okay? Can you do that?”
As if he could do anything else. As if he wouldn’t wait forever to have Keith by his side.
“That’s all I’ve been doing.” Lance told him with a smile. “I think I’d wait forever if it meant I got to be with you.”
Keith flushed and shook his head fondly, “You’re a sap.”
“And now, I’m your sap.” Lance leaned in and nuzzled his nose against Keith’s, smiling widely when Keith wrinkled his nose.
“Lucky me.”