Chapter Text
Part One
By: Stupij
Pizzapants rang the doorbell and stood there begrudgingly as a bunch of disguise-draped delinquents accumulated around him in an attempt to piggyback on his presence after having already initiated the ritual to summon forth the house's occupants. No doubt, these vultures must have been dawdling in the area, debating who should dare go up and knock on the dreaded Dreemurr door before this oblivious imbecile had somehow stumbled into sorting out the situation for them. Problem was, these half-assed hyenas in hiding were here with the sole intention to storm the territory and fight to the death for their fair share of treats, and him being on the front lines made him enemy number one for having the gall to stand in their way -despite coming here first. A bunch of frenzied piranhas, the whole lot! And with Hometown being such a small town, Pizzapants recognized most of them through their costumes. That one was the neighbor kid who lived a couple doors down, and a few of them were easily recognizable as the little siblings of classmates.
So there he was, being ganged up on by a bunch of annoying scamps he knew the names and addresses of, and yet, there was nothing he could do about it. He was going to be thrown into the fray with a ton of the little troublemakers running around tonight because it was Halloween. The one night where adults were mandated front row seats to observe all the machinations those miscreants' mischievous minds could muster, yet were encouraged to discount said diabolical deviousness in the name of tradition. It wasn't that long ago that Pizzapants was one of those wicked whippersnappers, casually capering in the chilly evening air without a care in his head except the high hopes for houses which left out unwatched pails of fun-sized goodies guarded only by their hastily tacked on 'take one' notes. He was more than happy to obey the sign multiple times, 'taking one' with each hand. Those laissez-faire bucket spots were often his saving grace, the motherload that usually scored him the most loot as he got older -since the nosy neighbor ladies would often scold him for brazenly begging for scraps at sixteen. Pint-sized psychos stealing stuff and scaring the shit out of toddlers was tolerable, but a timid teen taking treats was going too far! Well, what could he do? He was broke and wanted sweets regardless of age. Heck, he'd still go around pleading for leftover low-tier candies if he thought he could get away with it. Alas, these days he had a job to occupy his time. Thus began his transition into adulthood. It sucked.
Come to think of it, he'd currently be up to his elbows in pizza grease and cardboard boxes if Asriel hadn't called him up for once wanting to hang out. On a school night, too! Opportunities like these only came up once in a blue moon, and he’d be a lunatic to let it pass him by. The caveat was, Azzy had to bring their sneaky sibling trick or treating. Instead of the pair shooting the shit and enjoying the evening on their own, it was more of an invite for Pizzapants to entertain Azzy while that guy kept an eye on Kris- the biggest troublemaker of them all. So while it might be considered getting the short end of the stick, it beat the hell out of staying at work! And even though tonight was supposedly the 'biz-E-est' night of the year with all the Halloweenies in town throwing pizza parties, if the amount of customers who called in crossed over into double digits, he’d be impressed at how low the public’s standards had gotten. 'Busy' for ICE-E's Pizza was any other food chain's typical dead shift. Lucky thing too, since Pizzapants was able to talk his way out of being pushed around by the boss tonight -which was what led him to being here instead, shoved around by a bunch of superheroes and fairy princesses half his size. Whatever, he was mature now. He shouldn't let it bother him. If anything, he too could learn to grow callous from this experience. Being squashed in a sea of loudmouths was just warm up before the real Halloween heists began. At least there was still some light outside so he could plainly peer into the perpetrator's face as they invaded his personal space, which might convince one or two of them to back off a bit. Once the veil of darkness fell, that's when the real carnage began.
“Just a moment” a gentle call resounded from inside, signifying that indeed Toriel had been reporting to door duty for the night. Usually, it was Asgore who took on this task. That man was unnaturally good with children and had a knack for taming these wild beasts into halfway presentable little angels. It was just a shame that Toriel was the one who had gotten into teaching, leaving Asgore with the unfitting title of Chief of Police. Imagine: Mrs. Dreemurr, the lady who ran her classroom as tightly as a prison and Mr. Dreemurr, a man who ran a jail cell like it was a nursery- what a funny pair they made! Honestly, if the mister and missus decided to swap jobs for a day, it would be all too fitting. Perhaps that's why things had to be this way. Society wouldn't know how to run itself if monsters were actually capable at their jobs.
“Trick-r-treat!” the pack enthusiastically yelled out in near unison, hoping to expedite the process. They were so impatient that upon the door cracking open a mere inch, the crowd around him thrashed like a flock of frantic fangirls stampeding towards the stage at a rock concert. And when given an inch, those pint-sized punks crammed into a huddled mass, desperate to be the first to partake in one of countless handfuls of sugary treats they would no doubt obtain tonight. Not only had Pizzapants' foot been trampled on, some knucklehead actually decided to kick him aside, causing him to lose all footing. The nerve of the younger generation! Didn't they know to treat their elders with care? If he wound up breaking a leg over the incident, he'd be forced to come up with a much cooler story about how it happened when going into work tomorrow. Unceremoniously, Pizzapants face-planted into the flowerbed off to the side, getting a nice big welcoming kiss from the dirt below him. Sure enough, his plight went completely unnoticed. He internally cursed at the soothing praises spewing from Mrs. Dreemurr's lying lips, commenting on the roughhousing ruffians' costumes as she was doling out the goods, completely undermining the misfortune that had happened to him.
“Pants... What are you doing down there, trying to give us a scare?”
Pizzapants immediately scrambled to his feet realizing that Azzy had been here too. He didn't mind looking a bit pitiful in front of a lady, as that could net him some sweet sympathy points. But in the presence of his crème de la crème best friend, he had an already rickety reputation to uphold! Scaring him off is exactly what he feared happening.
“Dang it, ya caught me. I was about to pop up and plaster my paws against the window, give Little Buddy a real shock.”
Pizzapants pantomimed creature claws, his fingers flexing frivolously to emphasize his point. The look on Azzy's face though told him that he didn't buy into his bluff. That guy was completely unconvinced.
“I'm afraid we've been staring out the window since I called, waiting for you to arrive.”
Asriel immediately gave him a hand dusting off the debris and flower petals with a sheepish, pained smile. He'd probably seen the pathetic scene from earlier and avoided teasing him about it to save him some face. And even helped him clean off his face at that! What a good friend. Pizzapants coughed to clear the air and looked off to the side where Kris had appeared. Completely the same as normal except with a red-horned headband and a plastic pumpkin-shaped trick or treat bucket. Nice, all three of them had the 'no costume' costume thing going on this year. And since they were all low-efforting it in a group, it would seem like they were intentionally making a statement about the consumerist nature of Halloween. Yeah, he could totally make this work. At least he wouldn't be the odd man out this time. This time, he was the odd man in.
“So, Azzy. Uh. Trick or treat?”
“Hmm... I suppose I'll be the trick this year, and you get to be the treat.”
Unable to wrap his hazy head around this seemingly nonsensical statement, Pizzapants thrust out a greedy hand.
“Ha ha. No, brain-for-brains, I mean gimme some freakin’ candy! It's my payment for chaperoning you guys tonight.”
Asriel let out an amused snort and went back inside to retrieve a couple pieces of festively wrapped confections from the designated bowl his mother had just put away. Of course, the Dreemurr family knew better than to stock up on chocolate with the unrestrained untamed human they let roam loose around the house, so the traditional time-hardened black and orange peanutbutter taffies his friend placed in his hand would have to suffice. He couldn't decide if this was better or worse than the apples and popcorn balls Toriel would sometimes add to the mix. But even if it was nearly inedible, sweets were sweet.
“Here's your candy, you big baby. What a cheap date.”
“The cheapest in Town, baby!”
Pizzapants practically reeled in embarrassment at his own words. He was trying to seem suave with a touch of lighthearted banter, but his wordplay game hadn't quite booted up yet. If he had instead been with a gaggle of giggling girls, it just might have worked out. However, it was extremely awkward with just him, his straight-laced golden boy friend, and that guy's disapproving sibling all just standing there as he casually called no one in particular ‘baby’ …while also managing to call himself cheap in the same breath. It was a dud any way you cut it- not unlike the pizzas he was supposed to be shilling to the masses. Maybe if he'd stayed the whole shift instead of coming out here, he wouldn't be nearly as humiliated. Maybe, but it wasn't necessarily a guarantee. It was always a toss up when working with pizza. He pocketed the loose-tooth-removal candies Azzy offered him and tried to salvage what little of his dignity he had left.
“Alright. So, you make sure Little Buddy doesn't try to pull off any 'pranks' and I'll keep a keen eye on you to make sure you don't try anything funny.”
“I thought you liked funny business, Mr. Comedian.”
“Nah, brah. Imma high class kindo guy. You gotta catch me with only the highest tier stuff. I ain't no clown!”
Upon hearing his real accent slipping through, Asriel let out a charmingly candid laugh. It was an open secret that the two of them shared, the one scrap of similarity in their lives that they had in common- talking like a moron. Azzy had somehow picked up a bit of a country twang despite being raised by the prim and proper Mrs. Dreemurr. From where, who could tell? The most likely culprit influencing him had to be his father since the sibling hardly talked at all, but the court was still out on that one. Perhaps Little Buddy did hide a strong accent under all those thick layers of monotone their voice usually hid itself under. As for Pizzapants, he had grown up in the city before he moved here and thus his accent was quite distinguishable from these backwater residents. In both cases, their natural manners of speaking were deemed undignified and 'made them appear uneducated'. So while these two loose-talking heathens learned to clean up their language and speak like young gentlemen in middle school, when they were alone, they devolved back into a couple of slurry-speeched idiots. It was a sign of respect, akin to saying 'I feel comfortable being my true self around you' without all the mushy words.
“Right. Why dont'cha hold onto this for me since I might have my hands full with Kris.”
Before he knew it, Asriel grabbed a whole ass slasher knife from out of the tiny human's hands and stuffed it into a white sack, promptly getting it out of their reach by handing it over to the bewildered Pizzapants. Kris glared daggers at the unfortunate party for having the audacity to get involved, but the situation was well out of his hands. He was left holding the bag whether he wanted to or not. Giving a weapon back to the moody kid who already looked like they wanted to beat him up wasn't such a good idea, and he'd have to cross Azzy to do so. It was best to leave things as they were.
“Ehh, sorry Little Buddy. Whadda ya say I just keep this on me until you need it?”
What need was there to bring a real knife trick or treating?! It couldn't be considered a part of their costume, since demons weren't well renowned for their skills chopping up some mean onions in the kitchen. And it's not like they'd brought such a menacingly sharp implement to show off to their friends. They didn't have any, and the ones they thought they did have were merely hand-picked victims to their pranks. So what, it was intended to be used to threaten the neighbors into giving them chocolates? They'd already get some from going door to door, no effort needed. Was it to threaten the other runts into giving them their candy too? Or perhaps... it was actually meant for himself. One small swipe and there was one less adult to get in their way. Pizzapants couldn’t help but break out into a cold-sweat. The group hadn't even stepped out of the driveway and already the night was starting off on the wrong foot.
“Nice costume, by the way,” Azzy hummed, leading the disgruntled Kris down the road. Pizzapants made sure to keep up pace.
“Oh, this ol' thing? I thought I'd be a hit with the ladies if I paraded around as the iconic Pizzaboy. It's a role I've been playin' for a while, on and off. You think I'd catch my big break any day now, but no dice. Only diced tomatoes and cigarette breaks.”
“Is that so? I thought you were going as an epiphany.”
Pizzapants nearly lost his footing. He'd heard that word somewhere, but he wasn't quite sure what it meant. It kinda sounded like a girl's name, but Azzy's tone didn't denote that he meant anything degrading by it. Before he could think to question it, the voice beside him that rarely ever spoke up decided to chime in.
“Because You-Reek-A!”
That puny devil let out an evil chuckle and a knowing smirk. Usually, Pizzapants would think that Asriel put them up to this to pull his leg a little. But the joy on that small but lethal horror's face said it all. Presumably, they talked Azzy into setting up the joke so they could swoop in and sucker punch him in the gut. Unfortunately, it was super effective. He really did stink with this uniform on. The rank odor of cheese permeated his clothes to the extent that he would purposely quarantine them from the rest of his pitiful wardrobe so that he'd at least have a couple outfits that didn't make him gag while wearing them. It's not like he didn't want to change before coming over, but his apartment was out of the way and he really didn't put much thought into it. Azzy told him he'd be waiting, so he blindly ran straight over.
Not wanting to let this squirt have the satisfaction of knowing it got to him, Pizzapants plastered on his one-of-a-kind customer service smile. The kind that would scare off every one of the difficult customers.
“Nah, see, potency's the one perk that comes with this job. Anyone who crosses me, I get to hit ‘em with a good whiff of The Stink, knock ‘em clean out. Care to test my patience, young master Dreemurr?”
“I've got to admit, it is pretty tempting to see if you're as much of a knock out as you claim to be.”
Pizzapants had been aiming his quip at the youngest master Dreemurr and was taken aback by Asriel somehow mistakenly thinking he was sassing back to him. Well, it's not like Kris would speak up in their own defense. They weren't the type to quickly banter back and forth like he and Azzy did, even though they were no doubt capable of doing so with their sharp wit. They were a sharp-tongued sniper; they could roll around in the thick of it until they decided they've had enough, then perfectly pull off a 360 noscope bullseye with a single shot. If this had been a real battle of the minds, Pizzapants knew he'd be dead on arrival. His aim was simply awful, if this instance of accidental friendly-firing proved anything. Regardless, it didn't matter. His teasing wasn't meant to carry any weight, he was just doing it to lighten the mood. And since his bullshit cleanly bounced off both their shoulders, things should be perfectly square now.
“Ok, Little Buddy. Tonight is your night. Where do you want to go first?”
The most obvious choice was the Holiday residence as it was the very first stop right as they got down to the road. The Holiday family had a grand estate that usually housed a sizable station of snacks and drinks right inside the gates of their massive, elaborately decorated front yard. A bunch of the neighboring parents would go over to chitchat for most of the night, leaving their kids to wander the streets with reckless abandon. However, the telltale sign of loud spooky music wasn't quite audible yet, meaning it was probably too early for them to have set up. Not that any of the Holiday's pageantry mattered to Kris, mind you. Their main form of entertainment was upsetting the cute girls that lived there. Whatever kind of game Little Buddy thought they were playing, they were obviously losing out. They'd traumatized the younger one so much that she shrieked and ran whenever she saw them coming, hiding behind her sister for protection. And the older one... man, what a firecracker! That dame didn't take any crap, often threatening Kris' terror and violence with her own brand of terror and violence, causing poor peacemaker Azzy to step in and struggle to convince them both to back down. Perhaps Little Buddy only acted out like that because it garnered such a dramatic response. They really did like to watch as other people scrambled around them. Which is why Pizzapants knew to just grin and bear any harassment thrown his way and it would subside quickly. Maybe one day, Azzy would learn this trick too. The more intense of a reaction he gave them, the more likely they were to egg him on.
“Graveyard.”
The graveyard, of course! Any pubescent prankster would want to go see the cemetery on All Hallows' Eve. No doubt, they'd attempt to disrupt those trying to rest in peace. If anyone could disturb the dead, it had to be the doing of one Kris Dreemurr. Disturbing the living was already child's play to them.
So a grave stroll through the braveyard and the connected creepy woods seemed to be on the main itinerary for tonight. An eventful evening filled with instances such as: Pizzapants looking away for just one second to be surprised by a human hand jutting up from beneath the dirt and grabbing onto him like a zombie, scaring his soul halfway out his body. Or him suddenly being ambushed by that little butthead jumping down from the trees and forcing him to land flat on his ass while the foliage below lodged its way into his spine. Hopefully, the woods part would be short lived- or else Pizzapants feared he would be short lived! Thankfully, the nearby church was often open with a couple non-threatening children's activities and thoroughly mediocre refreshments. That might serve as a distraction for a few minutes of respite. Perhaps he and Azzy could even have a chance to chat and catch up, spend a second or two in this hectic evening not having to clean up after the chaos.
“That sounds good. We can visit the houses along the way and end our night with a cozy bonfire in the woods. How about it, Pants? Did you bring your lighter?”
Pizzapants' hand darted to pat his pocket, and feeling the familiar shape, he sighed in relief. He'd actually been cigarette-free for a month now after he'd been caught and chastised by his mother. It's not like he really enjoyed it much when he was doing it anyway, it was just another thing to fill up the emptiness in his unremarkable life. Smoking had given him something to buy, something to do, something to look forward to. Of course, Pizzapants still carried a stale pack of cigarettes and his lighter on him at all times. This had been the one cool 'grown up' thing that everyone knew he did, his one way of rebelling against the system. If the others found out he was a quitter, he wouldn't have anything left to his identity other than that one time he failed to warm up a slice of pizza by stupidly stuffing it down his pants. And he had to admit, being called “Smokey” instead would be one hell of a sick nickname. Better than the one he currently had, anyway.
He whipped out his classic Zippo and flicked it open, the flame within bowing to greet the nighttime air.
“Heheh, you know it. Just don't tattle on me to your mom, ok, Little Buddy? She already thinks I'm a bad influence, and I wouldn’t want to give her worrywart heart any more concerns.”
The deadpan voice gave out an ominous chuckle.
“Az smokes.”
“Kris!”
Asriel, flustered by being outed so casually, looked away and did not dare meet Pizzapant's eyes darting towards him. He wouldn't have believed it if Azzy had just kept a straight face, but that reaction spoke volumes.
“No shit, they weren't bluffing! Azzy, since when?”
“Well, I saw you doing it and thought it looked... I don't know, sensual? I got curious is all.”
Pizzapants felt his stomach drop. He really was a bad influence after all. The princely Dreemurr heir had picked up a nasty habit because he'd witnessed a nasty friend doing it. How could Azzy be this weak to peer pressure? The idea sparked in Pizzapant's brain that he should pretend like he wanted to quit and convince Asriel to kick the habit with him before Toriel found out. She really would overreact something fierce if she caught him smoking. Her punishments always outweighed the alleged misbehavior seven-fold, at least when it came to Asriel. As for Kris, she was rather--
“Closed.”
Kris immediately brought the two out of their own worlds by this simple declaration. Afterall, if Little Buddy spoke up about it, it had to be something meaningful. And sure enough, the Holiday Estate that was usually buzzing with activity was locked up tight, the festive decorations barred behind the cold unwelcoming wrought iron gates. How strange. Did they decide to celebrate Halloween somewhere different this year?
While Pizzapants and Asriel were busy dumbly staring at the sealed entryway as if it was a sign of the impending apocalypse, their brains had failed to remind them of the most pressing matter of the night- Kris was always two steps ahead. They quickly took the opportunity to press down on the handle of their knife through the plain white pillowcase it had been hiding in and easily coaxed it out, slicing a hole through the fabric so that it poked out just enough for Kris to grab it by the blade. Without even having to disturb Pizzapants' tight grip on the bag, they stole the sharp implement back right under his nose. This kid had absolutely no fear whatsoever, it was actually quite chilling. And right as Azzy's reaction speed was catching up with the unfolding events, that crafty child slipped away, taking off down the street.
“Goodness, they're getting away...” Asriel sighed to his friend, urging Pizzapants to tag along after them.
“Kris, don't run with the point facing upward! At least carry it safely in your bucket, won't you?!”
Even though Asriel's scolding was loud enough to rattle the glass on nearby houses, that kid didn't flinch one bit. In fact, they probably delighted in this game of cat and mouse, having their big brother worry about their safety and chase after them all night. It probably made them feel loved in a way that was more physical, more tangible than mere words. Proof, not just promises. So even stone-faced gremlins like Little Buddy needed to be reminded every once in a while, huh? No wonder they liked Halloween so much. Pizzapants could finally understand the ways of the adults, the same 'turning a blind eye' that he criticized earlier. Holidays were special occasions where kids got to live out their childhoods to the fullest, expressing themselves in ways they'd never be allowed to once they grew up. So at least for now, it was best not to spoil their fun.